By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question: Why do people like Valentine’s Day? I hate it. Not because I’m single, I’ve actually been happily married to my wife for six years. But she always gets upset when I don’t go all out or seem sincere enough on this one annual occasion. I’m a good husband, I think, and she tells me that I do loving things for her all the time during the other 364 days. So what gives? Why do people get so caught up in a single day that (I think) isn’t all that special? The answer: There’s no special occasion that men and women disagree about more than Valentine’s Day! You are like many men that I hear from: frustrated and confused about the (seemingly) disproportionate emphasis that their female partners place on this day relative to other days of the year. So, here’s the answer to your question in a nutshell: Women like Valentine’s Day for reasons that are, in spirit, not dissimilar to the reasons they like other special occasions. The day is a celebration of something very special in their lives – love. An informal poll of my female friends was unanimous: This is a day that women want to feel extra loved, appreciated and special to their partners. Chalk it up to the childhood dreams many of us women have about fairy-tale happy endings and knights in shining armour. It’s perhaps a little silly, and usually far from the reality of life, but certainly something that makes us feel warm and fuzzy inside. Here’s what I suggest: Rather than getting caught up worrying about why so many other people like this day, why don’t you ask your wife what it is that she values about the day? After all, it’s her opinion that matters the most. Ask her how she would like to celebrate. Then communicate – non-defensively – how you feel about the occasion. It may be that you are putting undue pressure on yourself and thinking she expects something much grander than what is actually the case. In his fantastic book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, Dr. Gary Chapman writes about the differences couples encounter when they are speaking different “love languages.” He articulates the importance of understanding your partner’s primary love language (i.e. quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service or physical touch) as a way to improve and strengthen your relationship. Special occasions – and the associated celebration of them – often speak to the different love languages couples have, and the differences partners have about how the other communicates their love. So, smile. Enjoy the day. Go the extra mile for your wife on this day, then ask yourself: Something that makes her feel extra happy and special can’t be all bad, can it? Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Every couple is faced to some degree with fundamental differences in terms of beliefs and values. Successful couples are able to respectfully negotiate, comprise on or resolve difficult issues. Many couples, however, are unable to work past major differences despite their best efforts. Others attend to differences in a very mindful way, yet for a range of reasons may decide that they are too great to overcome.
Solvable issues or perpetual issues? Dr. John Gottman, an internationally renowned marital researcher, has written an excellent book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (which I often recommended even to couples who aren’t married or cohabitating). In this book, he defines issues that lead to relationship conflict as falling into one of two categories: solvable issues or perpetual issues. When we are faced with challenges or differences in a relationship, the first task is to identify whether or not the differences comprise perpetual or solvable issues. Perpetual issues relate to conflicts that will never disappear from the relationship. They stem from fundamental differences in personality and beliefs. Beliefs regarding the value of all life forms, including animals, for example, may be a perpetual issue that leads to different dietary choices. If one is a vegetarian because of their beliefs about animal rights, this is likely a perpetual issue. Solvable issues, on the other hand, are logistical or practical concerns that have workable solutions. The manner in which a couple handles grocery shopping and meal preparation, for example, would be a solvable issue. If one person is a vegetarian because they think it’s healthier, and there is no other underlying values driver, this is likely a solvable issue. Every relationship has perpetual issues. So the make-or-break factor is not whether an issue is perpetual or solvable, but rather how the solvable ones are worked out and how the perpetual ones are managed and ultimately accepted by each partner. How to work through all types of issues So, how do we maintain relationships when there are core differences?
So, do we have a future? Every relationship is faced with challenges. It’s how the people involved are able to respectfully negotiate, comprise on or resolve difficult issues that determine the longevity and health of that relationship. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I am a 30-year-old successful female, dating a guy who doesn’t seem to be too serious about us. I don’t want to waste more time on casual relationships, but I don’t want to come off sounding like I am desperate or crazy. My question is how do you assess whether a guy is interested in the traditional marriage, kids, moving in together routine without scaring the heck out of him and send him running for the hills? The answer: Asking him directly is much better than trying to somehow assess what he is thinking! The very simple answer to your question is to talk to him: ask, matter-of-factly what he pictures in terms of a relationship right now. If he is at a place in his life where he knows what he wants, he will directly answer questions about marriage and kids without getting scared away in the least. Now, there are a few more elements to your question that make the “simple answer” one that you should pause on for a minute before asking. You say you don’t want to “waste” more time on casual relationships, which suggests that you have a sense of urgency to change your situation. I would ask yourself sincerely whether you feel that you are in fact at a stage in your life where you actually want to have a more significant relationship, or if you are being driven by wanting something (anything) that is the opposite of the life you have been living. It may sound like semantics, but it is an important question to clarify in your mind. Secondly, you seem to already have some valuable insight that is helping you to answer your question: you say that the relationship doesn’t seem to be too serious, and that it also doesn’t seem that it will become that way. I would pay attention to the pieces of information that are leading you to feel this way. I would trust the feelings that you are having, as they are likely coming from a range of sources (both what he is or has conveyed verbally, and his actions). It is human nature to want to try to impose an ideal picture of what you would like to see in a relationship (while ignoring some other clear signs that give you the opposite message). Although things could certainly change, the feelings that you are having right now are probably an important sign of something important you are picking up on, so don’t ignore these. You sound like a driven individual and I wonder if you view your personal life similar to the way you have viewed your work life (i.e., set a goal and then tick off achieving it). It may be that you need to consider the way you are approaching your relationship goals and perhaps take a slightly different strategy, as there is a strong return on investment for you to be devote time into finding the right partner for you (this is not, contrary to your current feeling, a “waste” of time in the least). And, it may sound cliché, but the right partner for you will not be scared off by candid questions about their picture for a long-term relationship. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My family loves the holidays. But last year, my mother passed away around this time, which was an incredibly sad time for everyone. I took it especially hard. Now that it’s a year later, there’s a weird feeling in the air, for me at least, that the holidays won’t be the same ever again. My husband and two daughters are usually a very festive family, but I’m worried I’ll forever associate her death with the holidays. I don’t want to be a drag. How can I grieve for and remember my mother, without depressing the spirit of the season? The answer: My sincere condolences on the loss of your mother. Nine years ago my father died – unexpectedly and at a very young age – around this time of the year, so I can understand how difficult this is not only from a professional perspective, but also from a personal one. The death of someone dear to us takes a huge toll on the happiness and joy we may usually experience around the holidays. I can promise you it won’t always feel as hard as it does this year. You will always think of and remember your mom, and miss her presence, but you won’t always feel the depth of sadness that you are right now. The year of “firsts” is always the most difficult: the first birthdays, the first Mother’s Day – and the first holiday season. Give yourself permission to be easy on yourself this year. Two things I would suggest: First, have an open and candid discussion with your husband and your daughters. This conversation should be age-appropriate, given the developmental stage your girls are at. Be honest. Let them know that you know how much your family loves the holidays, but this year you are feeling sad and not in a very celebratory mood. Be candid in conveying that you want them to have fun, but you want things to be a little lower key than usual. You may be surprised to learn that they also feel awkward about how to approach the season and may welcome you speaking openly about this, particularly if they have observed the impact your mother’s death has had on you over the past year. Second: Find a way to honour and incorporate the memory of your mother in the season’s celebrations. Involve your girls in this discussion. Ask them how they think Grandma would like to be remembered, and what things you could do as a family to remember her. You could light a candle; pull out some of her favourite Christmas decorations; go to a place or engage in an activity she loved; or visit her grave or a place where you have shared positive memories with her. Often a big factor that holds us back from wanting to celebrate after a loved one passes relates to guilt – guilt at being happy when our loved one is no longer here. We may feel like we don’t have the right to celebrate when their life has ended, or somehow feel that we are betraying their memory if we are having fun. Know that none of these things are true. Enjoying and celebrating the present, with your family who is with you, in no way negates the love you’ve had for your mother. The best way to honour the memories of those we have lost is to maximize our enjoyment of our loved ones while they are alive. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I divorced my wife earlier this year. We had been married nine years and have two young children, but it just wasn’t working out. We agreed she gets to have the children this Christmas. But there’s honestly nothing I loved more than Christmas morning with my children. I’m not looking forward to Dec. 25 any more. I don’t know how to get over missing them – and how can I even start a new tradition if I’m alone? The answer: A divorce, particularly when children are involved, can be one of the hardest life experiences to deal with. Certain times of the years (holidays, birthdays) amplify the pain that comes along with not having your once-intact family configuration. Your goal should not be to get over missing them (as that is a normal reaction from a loving parent) but rather to find a “new normal.” This won’t happen immediately, and having that expectation will only make the situation harder. So first: Accept that this will be a difficult year, and you will likely feel sad and miss your kids – but it will get better with time (it may sound clichéd, but time does always heal). Missing your kids – and the sadness and loneliness that comes along with that – is not an emotion to shove away. Our emotions are a signal to our brain and body that we are experiencing something that impacts an important part of our life and what we value. Those emotions validate that how much your kids mean to you, how much family means to you, and that you wish the situation to be different. All too often we want to shove away our negative emotional states. But that rarely turns out well, as emotions often rear their heads later on. So allow yourself – give yourself permission – to experience the sadness this year. Our emotions also provide us with the motivation to take some kind of action, to do something differently. You said that you and your wife agreed that she gets to have the children this Christmas. Could you have an honest conversation with her about how you are feeling? Let her know that your intent is not to renege on your agreement, but you didn’t realize how sad you’d feel about not seeing the kids this year. Ask her if there is some compromise the two of you could come to: Maybe you could have some time with them in the afternoon or evening? Let her know that you will be flexible with her time with them when it comes to next Christmas. If this is unacceptable to her for whatever reason, perhaps you could find a way to speak to them by phone or Skype during the day? Or, choose another day to be your family Christmas day – Dec. 25 is just an arbitrary day, after all. For example, if the kids are with you on Boxing Day, you could celebrate Christmas that date instead. I would encourage you to be proactive in planning how you will spend your time on Christmas. You may have a natural urge to withdraw and isolate yourself, but that will just amplify your low mood. Even though you may not feel like it at all, there is tremendous value in being around people you love and care about to help you through this first Christmas. At the very least, make plans with other family and friends. You’ll feel much better for it. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m extremely shy and worried about the upcoming holiday season and all the socializing that comes with it. Usually I skip most events but this year I can’t get out of the work holiday party. How do I cope? The answer: Such social events can be a tremendous source of stress if you tend to be shy or introverted. So know that you are not alone in feeling this way. Although the natural urge is to skip events that create anxiety, avoidance of these situations counter-intuitively makes anxiety worse in the long-term (even though it can work to reduce the anxiety in the short-term). Avoiding things that feel uncomfortable tricks our mind into thinking that there is something harmful or dangerous about the situation, which is usually not the case. Rest assured that there are a number of things you can do to help make the evening go more smoothly. First, ask yourself what specifically are you nervous about? For most people a significant source of stress relates to making “small talk” with people, particularly those they don’t know well. People like to talk about themselves, so a good strategy is to go to the party prepared with questions you can ask others (this can help take the spotlight off of you). You could have questions prepared such as “I don’t know much about what you do in the company; tell me a bit about your position.” Ask what others have planned for the holidays. If they have kids, ask about their children. Worrying about “looking” anxious can be another source of anxiety. It can feel difficult to look calm when you are at an event you wish you could leave. Be mindful of making eye contact with others. Smile. Ensure good posture with your shoulders back and head up. Positioning your body and doing things that make you look more confident can help you feel more confident. Hold a glass in your hand (with water or a non-alcoholic beverage) and take a sip if there is a break in the conversation. This can help a pause feel more natural, and can also give your hands something to do. Although it can be tempting to rely on alcohol as it seems to help with tension and anxiety, ensure your alcohol intake is moderate. If guests are allowed, take a partner or close friend with you, or, if you can, make plans to attend with a colleague that you know well. A person you are comfortable with can help serve as a buffer and lessen your anxiety. For more tips, consider The Shyness & Social Anxiety Workbook, by Martin M. Anthony and Richard P. Swinson. It provides step-by-step techniques to manage anxiety in social situations using proven cognitive-behavioural principles. Finally, feel free to arrive late and leave the party early – there’s no rule that says you have to stay the entire time. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’ve been in a relationship for many years with the same guy. I love him, but I’ve recently discovered I might be more attracted to members of the same sex. Should I tell him? Should I end it? Is there something psychologically wrong with me? The answer: First and foremost, there is absolutely nothing that is psychologically wrong with you for having questions about your sexual orientation. Sexual orientation refers to one’s sense of personal and social identity based on emotional, romantic or sexual attraction (to one or both sexes), the behaviours that are expressed as a result, and membership in a community of those who share that orientation (according to the American Psychological Association, 2008). One’s true sense of sexual orientation is not a choice – and can occur on a range, falling in one of three main categorizations: heterosexual (attracted to members of the opposite sex), homosexual (attracted to members of the same sex), and bisexual (attracted to members of the both sexes). Population survey data suggest that approximately 1 per cent of Canadians identify themselves as homosexual, and approximately 1 per cent identify themselves as bisexual. It certainly is not uncommon to love someone in a heterosexual relationship, yet find yourself attracted to members of the same sex. Questions about your orientation do not negate your love for your partner – but may impact the direction of your current and future relationships take. It would be important for you to explore issues around your sexual orientation further before you make any impulsive decisions about your relationship. If you feel that your partner is someone you could talk to openly, and without judgment, you could certainly gently raise the issue with him. You could assure him that you love him, and that you want to be completely open and honest with him so want to let him know that you have started to question whether you are more attracted to females. It is also perfectly appropriate for you to start to get some clarity on your own before you decide how to approach speaking with him, as this may be a difficult and emotional conversation to have. Confiding in a close friend may be a way to start talking about it and navigate your feelings. There are also a range of community agencies and professionals that specialize in issues around sexual orientation. You may want to explore some of these resources. Questioning your sexual orientation and making changes in your life (and communicating to loved ones about this) may be a difficult journey, and so I would encourage you to try to take care of yourself emotionally, and ensure that you have a strong community and support network to help you navigate through the coming weeks, months, and years. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My boyfriend is in therapy, which I encouraged him to do. But sometimes I worry about the psychologist saying disparaging things about our relationship. Would a professional do this or am I being paranoid? The answer: One of the most important roles for a competent psychologist is to be objective, neutral, and balanced in terms of their perspectives on their patient’s life situations. That said, psychologists – like any other individual in any profession – range in terms of their skills, efficacy and approach. So the answer is that a competent and ethical psychologist should not be making inappropriate judgmental comments to your boyfriend. But, like any other profession, there is always the small chance that a professional may be acting in a non-professional manner. One’s relationship is often a very appropriate area for discussion in a therapeutic relationship, so chances are good that your relationship has been discussed in some capacity. The more important question is what other worries you may be having about your relationship. To me, it sounds like you are concerned that your boyfriend may be bringing up these issues in therapy and that the psychologist may be commenting on them. My best advice would be to have a straightforward and open conversation with your boyfriend. Remain respectful of the fact that your boyfriend may – very appropriately and understandably – not want to talk about any details of his therapy with you. Instead, the goal of putting your concern on the table is to initiate a discussion about any areas of your relationship that you or your boyfriend think could be improved upon. Ask him openly how he thinks things are going in your relationship, and if there are areas that he thinks need to be improved upon. Share your perspective and identify what you see as strengths and weaknesses. Take a positive, problem-solving approach where you work toward thinking about ways that you could both improve any areas that are less than ideal from one or both of your perspectives. Try to not get defensive when you have this conversation. Remember that all relationships have challenges, and that the stronger couples speak openly about areas of weakness and proactively work on them. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. Mindfulness for ChildrenThe practice of mindfulness offers a plethora of benefits to a child’s growing mind and body. Mindful practices allow them to unplug and check-in with themselves. Through this process of checking in, children begin to have a better understanding and ability to cope with their emotions and feelings. It also helps them with noticing the positives, developing a sense of appreciation, and feelings of gratitude. So, let’s talk about mindfulness for children and how parents can help teach their children to practice mindfulness (as well as improve their own mindfulness skills). Mindfulness Techniques: For When You are Short on TimeAs a busy parent, you’re likely often short on time but that doesn’t mean you have to skip the mindfulness practice. Try one of these right before bed or take a moment to pause while you’re out and about. Belly Breathing
Finger Counting Breaths
Be Aware of Your Surroundings
Mindfulness Techniques: For When You Have a Bit More TimeWhen you have a bit more time you can try one of these longer mindfulness practices for children. Draw Your Emotions
Silence Game
Tense and Release Muscle Activity
Five Senses
Mindfulness for Children and Parents: Techniques to Do TogetherOf course, mindfulness is just as important for parents as it is for children. So, while learning about mindfulness for children it’s also important to keep in mind that we should all be practicing our mindfulness techniques. Here are some practices you can do together with your children, or as a whole family. Share a three breath hug
Establish a Gratitude Practice
Yoga
Check Your ‘Personal Weather’ Report
Final ThoughtsWe talk a lot about mindfulness practices, but we rarely address specific mindfulness practices for children. Not only is mindfulness helpful for children to practice to better understand and cope with their emotions but beginning the practice at a young age helps to set them up for success as adults. Do keep in mind that not all of the practices are going to work with every child, and different practices may work depending on your child’s age and stage of development. So, give a number of these practices a try and find out which ones work best. And remember that all of these require practice.
Tips for Positive Discipline - A Guide for ParentsPositive discipline has a plethora of benefits for children, in comparison to negative discipline (e.g., spanking, hitting, reprimanding). Instead of shaming the child or making them feel bad, positive discipline focuses on misbehavior as an opportunity for learning. It’s important that parents practice positive discipline techniques so that as tensions rise, situations are still handled properly. The Core of Positive Discipline: There are no Bad Kids, just Bad Behaviour
Be Kind, but Firm
When Possible, Offer Choices
Treat Mistakes as Opportunities to Learn
Set Clear Expectations and Boundaries (and be consistent!)
Use Single Word Reminders
Let the Child Face Natural Consequences
Final Thoughts on Positive DisciplinePositive discipline helps parents to handle challenging situations with children by educating them on what to do right rather than focusing on what they’ve done wrong. Making the switch to positive discipline but with practice parents will start to see a change in their children’s behavior.
Inspired by afineparent.com/be-positive/positive-discipline.html |
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