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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Five Steps To Building Authentic Relationships All of my clients, and anyone who’s heard me speak, has heard me – often – talk about how we as humans are fundamentally social creatures. It’s our social relationships that help us not just survive but thrive in spite of the inevitable life challenges we will all be faced with. Data doesn’t lie – and research tells us that our social relationships are among the top factors that help us live a long, physically and emotionally healthy and satisfying life. Good relationships often serve as a buffer during hard times and can deepen the quality of good times. But building authentic relationships can seem daunting and it can take a lot of courage to be vulnerable with people. Building Authentic Relationships So, what can we do to help us build strong authentic relationships? 1. Assess who is currently in your life. Be mindful of who you let in and out of your life. Intuition is a great guide here! You want to make sure that you aren’t unnecessarily using energy on unhealthy or negative relationships. 2. Be intentional. Be intentional about making time for those people in your life around whom you feel most yourself. Don’t allow distance, time or life demands to get in the way – texts, emails, and photos are beautiful ways to stay connected in between in-person visits (this is where social media can serve some very useful functions!) 3. Reflect. Reflect on what parts of yourself you’re finding difficult to reveal or share with others. Ask yourself why? What would be the worst thing that would happen if others knew about your greatest fears/insecurities/worries/challenges/or weaknesses? 4. Be Vulnerable. Make a commitment to push yourself out of your comfort zone in terms of how and what you reveal to others. Challenge yourself by asking “what’s the worst thing that will happen?” Start with revealing small aspects of yourself – and see and observe what happens. I promise the sky won’t fall down! 5. Listen and Ask Questions. Ask questions with genuine curiosity and listen to the answer. Asking questions, particularly open-ended questions, is one of the best ways to get to know someone better. Remember to listen actively. Typically we listen with the intention to respond, so some of our attention is spent considering and preparing our response. Listen fully to what the other person is saying and allow yourself to be vulnerable in the fact that you won’t necessarily know how to respond right away. Try to be comfortable in silence as you allow yourself to formulate a response after they’ve finished. Remember: our relationships are everything. And it’s a beautiful feeling when we can truly be our authentic selves to those closest in our lives. So take the time to build authentic relationships in your life! By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I have a hard time meeting new people. Everyone else seems so outgoing, posting personal items on Facebook and chatting up strangers in bars. How do get myself out there and noticed? The answer: Meeting new people can be a challenge at the best of times, and it just gets harder with age. Be mindful, however, that your perceptions of the ease with which other people meet is likely a bit skewed. It’s a hard thing for many people. Consider your reference points, as what we find difficult can feel even more challenging if we (mis)perceive them to be easy for others. Facebook and other social media sites are, in many respects, an artificial form of communication. There are certainly many positives that come with these sites, such as staying in touch with friends and sharing photos. Unfortunately, new technologies are leading to societal shifts in which people tend to engage in less direct communication (face-to-face or phone) and more indirect, ostensibly distant communication (online messaging, texting). This can lead to a false sense of connection with others. Interestingly, recent research has found an inverse correlation between the number of Facebook “friends” adolescents had and the number of actual close relationships they reported having. So what you see on Facebook is not necessarily an accurate reflection of how social or outgoing someone is. Similarly, bars are not the best place to judge how confident others seem to be, as interactions there are often enhanced by the presence of alcohol. I’m not sure what wanting to get “out there and noticed” means. Do you want to meet more acquaintances or friends? Do you want to meet people you can go to social events and activities with? Do you want to meet potential dating partners? Articulate and write down specifically what you want. Then determine ways to achieve your end goal. For example, if your goal is “having a running partner”, your list of actions may include “join a running club” or “strike up a conversation with runners I see frequently at the local track”. Identify the barriers that you have in talking to others. Do you feel insecure? Do you get shy and clam up? Do you have difficulty knowing how and when to start a conversation? If shyness or anxiety plays a role, I would suggest getting The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook: Proven, Step-by-Step Techniques for Overcoming Your Fears by Martin Antony and Richard Swinson, which is an excellent, evidence-based workbook with strategies to manage social anxiety. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I love my boyfriend very much, he is warm, loving and giving. However, when I imagine my life five years from now I have a hard time seeing him in it. We come from different academic backgrounds – I have a B.A. and a college certificate, he never finished college. I want to get married and have kids, and while he says he wants to, he only very recently starting saving. Sometimes I feel I’m being snobbish or not giving him enough time to change. After a three-year relationship, I don’t know whether to wait this out or to leave. This has consumed my thoughts for four months and is making me so anxious I almost have panic attacks. What should I do? The answer: The amount of distress you are feeling about whether or not to continue your relationship – and the fact that you are even questioning whether you see him in your future – is the biggest sign you have about what to do next. Fleeting doubts and questions about long-term compatibility are very normal and come and go even in long-term, solid relationships. Pervasive and significant doubts that last months or longer are not. Often, our emotional reactions provide us with useful information about our circumstances, even before we can verbally articulate what those reasons are. You are likely reacting to a number of factors, and you know at a gut level that the relationship, for a range of reasons, is not the best fit for you. You need to trust this reaction. All too often we go through life ignoring our intuition – despite the fact that it often tells us what we need to know. Think about the significant decisions in your life so far, with a particular focus on regrets you have or mistakes you made. Likely, your intuition almost always gave you a sign as to what to do, but you ignored it. There are clearly a number of very positive attributes about your boyfriend that you admire. However, the reality of long-term relationship success is that there often needs to be compatibility at a number of levels such as personality, interests, and finances. Are these differences that the two of you could potentially work through? Yes, of course. However, forcing the issue and trying to work hard at accepting fundamental differences between the two of you isn’t necessarily the best way to move forward given the extent of doubts you already have. You are clearly torn about what to do, and not yet ready to let go. Given this, the next step for you – both for peace of mind, and to do justice to the three years you have spent together – is to have some candid conversations. You will need to balance being respectful with being straightforward – for example, rather than specifically outlining the differences in education (which may feel very hurtful to him) you may say that you worry your personalities and career interests are very different. These conversations will likely be heart-wrenching, but it is what you need to do. Keep in mind that it is possible to have love for another person without being in love with them and spending your life together. And, it will be much less painful to end the relationship now, rather than down the road if you were married and/or had children. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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