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The question:
My son recently moved back home into the basement – with his girlfriend. I want him to be on his own two feet, but my spouse won’t take a stand. What should I do? The answer: You were a walking zombie during the sleepless, colicky nights. With some creative disaster-proofing, you made it through the terrible twos. And you are still stunned that you survived the hormonal teen years without committing a felony offense. So, haven’t you paid your dues now that you have an adult child? If you are like most parents of a 20-something, the answer should be yes, but unfortunately these days, it may also be no. The 2021 Canadian census tell us that the percentage of young adults (ages 20 to 34) who continue to reside with their parents is significantly higher than 25 years ago and sits at around 35 per cent. This is no surprise when we think of the range of societal changes and financial pressures that we’ve become familiar with over the last few decades. There is nothing unequivocally wrong with your son residing with you, and it can be a helpful interim situation that actually helps your son, so long as the boundaries and parameters are clearly outlined. But, I’m assuming from your question that the issues are not as clear-cut and that there are compelling reasons you feel this is not a helpful arrangement. Bigger than even the issue of where and how long your son and his girlfriend reside with you is the difference of opinions between you and your spouse. This is the most important issue that you need to address. The two of you must take a united parental stand. Children, regardless of age, are extremely adept at identifying differences in opinions between parents, and they either intentionally or inadvertently exploit those differences in their favour. You need to start by having a candid discussion with your husband. Pick a time when the two of you are not stressed, are getting along well, have dedicated time to talk and are free of other distractions. Tell him there is something important you want to speak about. Acknowledge you have different opinions, but want to arrive at an outcome that satisfies both of you. Ask him to hear you out fully without commenting, and let him know you will offer him the same courtesy. Then present your position. Give specific reasons why you feel your son moving back home is not a good idea, and why you feel it doesn’t help him in the long-term. Whenever possible, use words and language that convey to him that you ultimately have the same goals in mind. (“I know we both want him to be independent and to be able to succeed on his own.”) Chances are, from a fundamental values perspective, you and your spouse are more likely to be on the same page than not. Then ask your husband for his perspective and thoughts. Listen to him, without interrupting. Try to arrive at a compromise that both of you are comfortable with. Perhaps you each give a little; for example, you could work toward a time-limited situation where your son stays with you, but stipulate there be a six- to 12-month plan where he works toward being on his own. Regardless of how long your son stays, it is integral to the plan that you set parameters that create a motivation for him to move out. It is reasonable and fair for you to expect him and his girlfriend to pay rent (perhaps it is a reduced rent, but ensure you are asking him to contribute in some way); contribute to household bills; be responsible for household chores; and respect certain household rules that you may have (no smoking and no loud parties, for example). Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I think it’s time for my 80-year-old mother to go into a nursing home in the next year or two. She is still healthy but not as strong as she once was. How can I broach this subject with her and prepare her? The answer: Speaking to a parent about transitioning to a nursing home can be one of the most difficult conversations you may have. It may be emotional on a number of levels for both you and your mother. But having conversations about this well in advance is one of the best things you can do, to give everyone time to mentally prepare for the upcoming changes. Before broaching this subject with your mother, you may want to spend some time thinking about what you want to say, what options there are, what timelines might make sense, and who else that is close to you and your mother could possibly get involved in the discussion (e.g., your father if he is in the picture, siblings, an aunt or an uncle). Use your judgment on who best to involve. You want to remain sensitive to not having your mother feel she is being “ganged-up” on by having too many people present, but there can be value in considering having someone else present that is close to her, and who she feels also has her best interests at heart. Let your mother know in advance you’d like to set some uninterrupted time to speak with her about some concerns you have about her health and/or living situation. This can help to make her feel like she is not being taken off guard. Try to identify an optimal time (e.g., when she is feeling relatively well physically, in a comfortable environment such as her own home, during a time of day when her energy level is reasonably high). Keep in mind that you may need a number of repeat conversations over time to get to a workable solution. Start the first conversation by genuinely letting her know how you feel. Express that you love her, that this is a hard conversation for you to have, and that you are only speaking to her out of concern for her for health and well-being. Describe the concerns you have about her health. Try to be as specific and objective as possible. Let her know you can imagine how difficult it may be for her to start to think about moving to a supported living environment. Take the time to ask her how she feels and what is important to her. Appreciate that she may get upset, defensive or sad – this is all part of the process of making such a significant change in living status. Listen to her concerns. Remain gentle and empathetic in your tone. Try to understand her concerns and perspective, and to the extent possible and reasonable involve her in all important decisions. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Helping You Better Understand Your Suicidal Thoughts
Some problems and experiences, especially those that have been around for a long time, can leave you feeling hopeless and overwhelmed. At these times, you may think that you have no options left. You may think about suicide as a way to escape intense emotional pain. There are many potential causes of suicidal thoughts and it can be helpful to better understand your suicidal thoughts in order to work toward managing and preventing them. People who consider suicide as an option often think that their problems are unbearable and can’t be fixed. They feel like nothing they have tried has or will change their situation. Their emotional pain can distort thinking so it becomes harder to trust, or to see possible solutions to problems, or to connect with available love and support. Even if it seems that you can’t stand another minute, it is important to remember that feelings (e.g., grief, anger, sadness, loneliness, shame), especially at this intense level, don’t last forever. Sometimes thoughts of suicide can become very strong, especially if you have taken drugs or alcohol. It is important to not use nonprescription drugs or alcohol, particularly when you feel hopeless or are thinking about suicide. Some of the thoughts you may be having are:
Your feelings of pain are very real. However, it is important to know that there is hope. With the help of professionals and the support of family and friends, you can learn about what is causing your suffering and how you can change or manage it. Hurting or killing yourself are not your only options. Professionals can help you learn new skills for dealing with your pain. These might include: developing new skills to cope; seeing your problems in a new light; improving your ability to handle intense and painful emotions; improving your relationships; increasing your social supports; or medications. Causes of Suicidal Thoughts There are a number of potential causes of suicidal thoughts and you are not wrong or weak for feeling them. But the better you understand where your suicidal thoughts are coming from the better you are able to manage those feelings, Some of the potential causes of suicidal thoughts are:
Final Thoughts As you can see, there are many potential causes of suicidal thoughts. These thoughts are normal and even though they seem unbearable at the moment they aren’t going to last forever and there is support available. Understanding your suicidal thoughts not only makes it easier to manage these feelings but also makes it easier to ask for help. If you or someone you love is at immediate risk, call 9-1-1. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My daughter hates that I’m dating. She’s 32; I’m 65. Her dad has never been in the picture, but now that I’ve found a serious relationship, she’s having real trouble accepting another person having my attention. What can I do? The answer: Kids – even when they’re adults – can have trouble accepting a new partner in a parent’s life. When a parent has gone through a divorce or been widowed, a child may have difficulty accepting a new relationship. A range of emotions can surface for a child even when the new relationship is not replacing the role of another parent, like in your situation. I’m assuming that this is one of the first significant relationships. Your daughter has gotten used to your undivided attention (and more importantly your undivided affection), and that she is struggling with accepting an actual (or perceived) shift in the relationship she has with you. This may feel difficult and hurtful to you, as it may come across as though she is unhappy to see you happy. I suspect this may be bringing up some mixed feelings for you. You likely feel guilty – which is normal. Have an open discussion with her: Let her know what you have observed and your feelings about the situation. Don’t assume that her feelings relate to her difficulty accepting that another person has your attention – she may be feeling confused, sad, or fear that the relationship between you and her will change. She may be feeling protective toward you and wanting to ensure you don’t get hurt. Check-in with her on her feelings and thoughts about the situation, as they may surprise you. Speak to her about how you feel about your partner, and the positives added to your life by being in this relationship so that she better understands your perspective. Reassure your daughter that your partner will not in any way take the place of your relationship with her. You may need to identify ways that you and she can continue to spend individual time together nurturing your relationship. Ask her for ideas on what she would like to see. I suspect that your daughter is simply going to need some time to adjust to a “new normal.” Maintain open lines of communication with her, but at the same time stay firm and do not allow her feelings to dissuade you or contribute to you feeling guilty about fulfilling an important part of your life. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Darby Eakins, CBT Therapist and certified Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Advisor  What is burnout?
While burnout is not officially recognized as a diagnosable mental illness, recent research (Koutsimani, 2019) suggests that even though it’s often associated with anxiety and depression, it appears to be a robust and stand-alone construct. The World Health Organization defines burnout as “a feeling of intense fatigue, loss of control, and an inability to produce concrete results at work.” Another definition indicates burnout is “a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress.” It’s always associated with work, and while it was initially reserved for those in caring roles (nurses, doctors, social workers and teachers), we now know that all workers can be exposed to burnout. Folks with burnout will often meet the criteria for depression and/or anxiety, and some will even meet the criteria for PTSD. In my case, I met the criteria for all three. But with the context of work removed or the organizational issues remedied, most folks will recover. Burnout Risk Factors & Facts
Burnout and the National Psychological Safety Standard The National Psychological Safety Standard (The Standard) defines a psychologically healthy and safe workplace as “a workplace that promotes workers’ psychological well-being and actively works to prevent harm to worker psychological health, including in negligent, reckless or intentional ways.” (National Standard of Canada for Psychological Health and Safety in the Workplace (CAN/CSA-Z1003-13/BNQ9700- 803/2013) The Standard outlines 13 risk factors for psychological safety at work:
Preventing and Recovering from Burnout Burnout does not happen overnight. It is insidious and creeps in over time. Symptoms that may arise include: fatigue, pain, digestive problems, stomach ulcers, skin problems, disrupted sleep, weight loss or gain, frequent illnesses, constant loss of motivation with regard to work, detachment from work, pronounced irritability, spontaneous anger, feelings of incompetence, inefficiency and exhaustion, a desire to isolate oneself, a feeling of failure, a drop in self-confidence, anxiety, worry, insecurity, difficulty concentrating, loss of memory, difficulty in using good judgement, indecision, confusion, and in the most serious cases, suicidal thoughts. Preventing Burnout From a prevention perspective, it’s important to notice the flags and risks of burnout to mitigate them in yourself:
Recovering from Burnout From a recovery perspective, it’s important to navigate to resources for support:
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