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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
The woman I love is a hoarder. She refuses to even talk about it – we always spend time together at my house and go out, but just bringing up the subject is too much for her. Do I have to leave this relationship? The answer: First, understand what hoarding means, as many people use this term loosely. Someone who is a true hoarder engages in pathological or compulsive behaviours where they acquire or collect a large number of items that seem to have little or no value to others (e.g., clothes, newspapers, flyers), and have significant difficulty discarding these items. They will often continue to acquire items despite having significant clutter in their living space, which may be both unsanitary and pose safety risks. They also experience ongoing impairment with respect to their social and/or occupational function. Most hoarders are what are called “object” hoarders (collecting inanimate objects), and a smaller portion are animal hoarders (collecting a range of animals, most commonly cats). Individuals who engage in hoarding often meet criteria for one or more psychological/psychiatric diagnoses. The most common conditions are obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression. Hoarders are also more likely than the general population to have experienced abuse or neglect in childhood. Individuals who hoard can be extremely resistant to acknowledging their difficulties and seeking help – due to a combination of factors, including significant anxiety when thinking of letting go of or discarding the objects of their hoarding, as well as associated shame and guilt. Although there are effective treatments, these are often very intensive and are multimodal, requiring a combination of psychological therapy, medication therapy, and community supports/assistance. Hoarders often need the unconditional support of their family or close friends as well to be able to make and sustain changes. To an outsider, hoarding behaviour can be highly puzzling and complex to understand. Loved ones often struggle with how to approach this. Giving an ultimatum or telling the hoarder to simply discard the objects is not effective, nor is trying to convince them about the problems the hoarding is causing. Start by telling your girlfriend how much you care about her. Indicate that you are concerned about her and that you appreciate how difficult it may be for her to even talk about her difficulties with hoarding. Ask her what you could do that could help facilitate the process. Indicate that her difficulties are impacting you and your relationship and that you jointly need to find an effective way to communicate about this as a starting point. Assure her that you are not going to ask her or force her to do anything that she is not comfortable with, as ultimately that is her decision. The question about whether you stay or leave is one that you ultimately have to decide over time based on how your discussions with her go. Loving someone involves unconditionally accepting their strengths and their weaknesses, but you need to know the elements of your relationship you can accept and live with for the long term. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I have an unexplained fear of flying. I’ve never been on a plane – never want to – but now my daughter moved to the States, and I would love to go visit without driving for 10 hours. How can I get over it – or can I? The answer: A fear of flying is one of the most common phobias. By definition, a phobia is an irrational fear of a thing, place or situation that is out of proportion to the actual danger posed. Although phobias sometimes begin following a fear-inducing situation (such as experiencing a very turbulent flight, for example), often people have no recollection of why or how their fear was created. And, not uncommonly, phobias can develop even when a person has never had an experience related to that which they are fearing, such as in your situation. Anxiety disorders – and phobias in particular – are highly treatable. The most effective treatment for phobias is cognitive behavioural therapy, which involves two key elements: 1) challenging the irrational, fear-inducing thoughts associated with the feared stimulus and 2) behavioural strategies involving an approach called “systematic desensitization”. Very simply, phobias persist if we continue to (without any persuasive evidence) think that a particular stimulus is fear-inducing. There are two common faulty patterns of thinking that individuals engage in that feed a phobia: probability overestimation and catastrophic thinking. Individuals consistently overestimate the probability of the worst negative outcome occurring. For example, you likely (without knowing it) are overestimating the likelihood that, for example, the worst imagined outcome of a plane crashing would occur. Obtain accurate statistics on imagined worst case outcomes. Then, be aware of the automatic phobic thoughts you are having, and replace them with more accurate thoughts. So, if you have the thought “So many things could go wrong; the plane might crash and I could die”, replace it with the more accurate and valid thought “Although plane crashes can occur, they are very rare. The likelihood of a plane crashing is extremely low, much lower than me dying driving my car, and I don’t avoid that”. Individuals also tend to engage in catastrophic, exaggerated thoughts about outcomes. Instead of thinking things like “I could never, ever get on a plane – it would absolutely terrify me and I would lose it”, trying replacing the thought with something more accurate like “Although it may feel extremely difficult I – like tens of thousands of people a day – could get on a plane. I may feel extremely anxious but I would be able to eventually get through it. With practice and time it will get easier”. There is an important behavioural component to overcoming phobias. Systematic desensitization involves two components: learning relaxation strategies and implementing them as one gradually exposes themselves to the source of their phobia. So in your case: thinking about flying, then watching a plane on TV, talking about you on a plane, going to an airport, etc. You systematically expose yourself to situations that elicit more and more fear while using relaxation strategies throughout. Working with a psychologist who specializes in cognitive-behavioural therapy for anxiety disorders/phobias can be tremendously helpful, and there is good evidence that significant benefit will be obtained following 8-16 sessions of treatment. So – yes, with some dedicated effort you will be able to get over your fear. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Valentine’s Day 2021 – Celebrate Alone or With a Partner
The last twelve months have been incredibly challenging and for some of us, that has meant spending a lot more time alone or possibly some extra strain between you and your partner. Maybe you’ve been separated for extended periods of time due to quarantine and lockdown restrictions or maybe you’ve been stepping on each other’s toes both working from home. This may make Valentine’s Day 2021 a little bit more challenging. Valentine’s Day is approaching quickly and there may be some mixed feelings about it this year. For some, it might feel extra hard for those who are single. Couples may feel like they need the excuse to celebrate their love but are burdened by restrictions. So, why don’t we reimagine Valentine’s Day this year and get creative with how we spend it, regardless of whether or not we are in a relationship! Single on Valentine’s Day 2021 If you’re feeling bad about being single this Valentine’s Day, take a step back and remind yourself how challenging it has been to meet people this year. Be gentle with yourself. It might feel extra hard to be alone this Valentine’s Day particularly if you live alone and have been spending lots of time alone already in the past 12 months. But know that you’re not alone in this feeling. So, what can one do instead of dwelling on the feelings of loneliness? No matter how cliche it may sound, do something nice for yourself. Treat yourself or do something that makes you feel special. It really does work. (And this year, Valentine’s Day is on #SelfCareSunday). Have an at-home spa day, take a nice bubble bath with your favourite drink, take the time to do your 12 step skincare routine, light some scented candles and read a good book. Whatever it is, take the day to do something just for you. Also, consider taking a minute to boost your self-esteem. That not only means to remind yourself that you’re not alone in your feelings but also actively remind yourself of the reasons you are loveable. Consider writing down a few things you love about yourself so you can return to them throughout the day when you’re feeling down. If you’re feeling stuck, ask a few of your close friends what they appreciate about you (but do make sure to come up with a few of your own ideas). If you’re feeling like being alone all day is going to be too challenging, spend time with someone you love (virtually or in another safe manner). Remember there are so many different types of love and romantic love is not inherently more valuable. Creative Date Ideas for Valentine’s Day 2021 Get creative this year with the way you spend Valentine’s Day and do something special with your loved ones. It doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive, just meaningful. You might be stuck at home but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun and spend some quality time together. Consider doing something you haven’t been doing together all quarantine to make the day special. Here are some ideas; 1 - Get out of the city and experience nature
2 - Make your favorite meal together. Or order in from your favourite restaurant or from that fancy place you never order from.
3 - Crack open your favorite drink, make some fancy cocktails, or dig out that fancy drink you've been cellaring.
4 - Have a self-care day together
5 - Do something creative together Final Thoughts Remember that Valentine’s Day is just another day. Be gentle with yourself and let yourself feel your feelings if you need to. Instead, get creative and find a nice way to spend the day regardless of whether or not you’re in a partnership or single. |
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