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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My teen daughter is fat. She’s way over her normal BMI, and I’ve tried talking to her – politely – and asking if she wants to go to the gym together, or work out a healthy meal plan. It just seems to make it worse – she eats way more after our talks. What can I do? The answer: There are two main things you need to consider: the factors that contribute to your daughter’s current weight and the manner in which your concerns have been communicated to her. You say that your daughter is “way over” her normal Body Mass Index (BMI). I will assume that she falls close to or within the “obese” range. By definition, obesity is a medical condition where amount of body fat may adversely and significantly impact health, including increasing the likelihood that one will develop a range of serious health conditions and contributing to shortened life expectancy. For these reasons, expressing your concern and trying to improve your daughter’s health is important. Try to support her to make some changes. For all of us, our weight is the result of many factors – including those that are out of our control (e.g., genetic predisposition) as well as factors that are controllable (e.g., eating habits, exercise/activity levels). Unidentified or untreated health conditions (e.g., thyroid dysfunction) may also play a role. For this latter reason, ensure your daughter has had a recent medical examination. Unfortunately there is considerable stigma in our society regarding weight issues. I wonder to what extent your daughter has dealt with teasing or negative attitudes from family, friends, and kids at school. This could likely be contributing significantly to her feelings of low confidence and self-esteem, including feelings of shame and even low mood or depression. Your daughter may feel hopeless – particularly when kids deal with obesity from a young age, they may develop strongly ingrained beliefs that nothing they do will be effective in terms of changing their situation. You indicate that your daughter eats “way more” after your talks. Many individuals (even those that do not struggle with obesity) engage in emotionally-driven eating and this leads me to think she is likely becoming highly stressed after your conversations. Think about how you are approaching these conversations: it is important to remain non-judgmental, non-accusatory and supportive in your verbal and non-verbal communication. Express to her genuinely why you are concerned about her weight rather than telling her what to do (as this may come across as lecturing and critical). Ask her what her goals for weight/food/exercise are, and if there are ways that you can support her goals. The reality is she may find it too difficult to speak openly to you given history. Offer to help her find a professional (family doctor, dietitian, nutritionist, psychologist) with whom she could speak to openly and confidentially. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m in my early 30s and I do want kids – eventually, just not now. I just don’t feel ready, yet as a woman I know the clock’s ticking. How do I prepare myself for what I imagine will be a sea of change in my life? The answer: The short answer? There is no way to fully prepare (ever) for the changes children bring! Now, for the longer answer … Our societal demographics are changing substantively, particularly for women. More women are pursuing higher levels of education. They are putting off co-habitating with partners or getting married (or remaining single by choice). An increasing number are becoming the primary household breadwinners. They are waiting longer to have children, and many are choosing to not have kids at all. As a woman in your early 30s, it is good to hear you recognize that on one hand you realize you aren’t quite ready for kids, yet on the other hand understand that there are some biological considerations you need to be mindful of. Unfortunately, the plethora of images we see in the media, particularly of celebrities who are having children well into their 40s, leads many to have a false perception of the ease with which a woman can get pregnant as she ages. The reality is that fertility starts to decrease as a woman moves into her mid to late 30s. The risk of pregnancy complications and health issues (both for mom and baby) also rise. While it’s true that many women can easily get pregnant and carry the baby healthy to term even well into their 40s, a significant number do struggle and encounter fertility or pregnancy-related difficulties as they age. The question of how to prepare oneself for the significant life changes that come along with having a child (or children) is one I am often asked. The reality is this is almost impossible to do. If you were to ask any parent this question, he or she would tell you the same thing. However, there are a number of life situations you can think about in order to prepare. Are you in a stable, respectful, loving relationship? Having a child to either “save” a failing relationship or in spite of significant relationship issues because of the perceived pressures of the proverbial clock ticking is almost always a bad idea. Are you in a secure position financially? Can you manage the increasing financial demands a child or children will place on you? Designing a baby budget is a great idea to gauge your position in this regard. Do you feel like there are dreams you have that are immensely important to you that you want to achieve before having a child (e.g., backpacking across Europe for a few months)? If so, plan this into your life. Are you willing to accept that for a fair number of years your primary focus in life will shift significantly and you will have no choice but to sacrifice most things in your life for children? When you think about not being ready, what does that mean to you? Put pen to paper and try to articulate in clear, specific words what your fears are. This may help identify how to best move forward. There is no rule book that can help you prepare for the myriad changes children bring to your lifestyle, and at some point you need to weigh the pros and cons and take a leap of faith. Working toward creating a stable life circumstance with respect to relationship, finances and emotional health is the best thing you can do to prepare. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My daughter and I are close, but we can’t seem to communicate well. She’s in her 30s, but as long as I can remember we lose our temper or snap at each other over the smallest or biggest things. This starts to get embarrassing when we’re among family or friends and can’t seem to talk politely. I’ve tried to talk to her about it but usually the changes are short-lived. Is it just too late and are we too set in our ways to change the behaviour? The answer: None of us are ever too set in our ways to change our behaviour – we have free will over our actions and full control over the way that we choose to conduct ourselves with others. Now, does this mean that changing the patterns of communication you and your daughter have will be easy or happen overnight? Of course not. Family interactions are often the toughest to change. The dynamics that exist in families are long-standing, and the communication that we adopt is often established at a very young age. The more time that passes, the more resistant to change these patterns become. Interestingly enough, we also tend to feel most helpless or give up the easiest when it comes to changing our family relationships. Strange, isn’t it, when most of us consider these to be among the most important and defining relationships in our life? Start by stepping back and get a big-picture perspective on the reasons your communication is so poor. Is the way you communicate with each other similar to how you interact with others in your life? Does your communication represent a more pervasive style each of you has with others or is it limited to your relationship only? What types of issues trigger conflict? Do you each react to in-the-moment situations, or are there bigger underlying issues that have remained unsaid or unaddressed between the two of you? Keep in mind that there is only one person’s behaviour you have control over – yours. You cannot, no matter how much you wish, force your daughter to act or react in a different manner. Be brutally honest with yourself about the elements you are contributing the situation. Ask a family member or friend whom you trust to weigh in objectively. What nonverbal behaviours (tone, posture, facial expressions) change for you when you are around your daughter? Are there hot-topic buttons that you purposely or inadvertently push? How do you respond when she gets snappy? Once you have identified the verbal and nonverbal behaviours you bring to the mix, have a discussion with your daughter. Express to her that you want your style of communication to change. Let her know what you will work on adjusting (be specific and detailed). Ask her what else you can do that would make things better for her (there are likely things you do or say that trigger her that you may be unaware of). Be mindful of not reinforcing her behaviour. For example, if she gets short with you, do not engage or escalate your response – simply stay silent or walk away (assuming the behaviour does not violate a personal boundary or become abusive – in which case you would need to establish parameters). Even if your daughter is unwilling to take a look at her contribution, it is almost impossible for her behaviour to not naturally start to change once you truly commit to changing yours. After all, communication is inherently bidirectional, and our responses are shaped significantly by the responses of those we are interacting with. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Ahhh, relationships…
No matter what gets people through the therapy door, relationship-related challenges are often what keep people in the room – whether it’s our family relationships, social or work relationships, or our intimate relationships. Our intimate relationships, in particular, can be so beautiful, and also a source of such angst – particularly when we are with someone who we may know is not the right fit for us, or who isn’t as invested in us as we are in them. When they just aren’t that into you We often intuitively know if someone is as “into us” as we are into them – but often we ignore these feelings. We may hold out hope that the person’s feelings will change or grow, we may try to convince ourselves that we don’t care as much as we do and can keep it casual, we may blame ourselves for not being ‘good enough,’ or we may excuse their behaviour by becoming overly empathetic to their plight to ‘figure things out’ at the expense of putting our own needs far below theirs. Moving forward from unrequited love When relationships are not mutually beneficial, it’s important to understand the reasons why and take steps to move forward emotionally. So, what can you do to move forward?
Good luck with moving on and finding the love you deserve! Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  People often turn to their friends for support with difficulties in their romantic relationship and bluntly ask for their opinion. Rarely, if ever, does any good come from providing candid opinions about others’ relationships – particularly when the stakes are high (if they’ve been together for a long time or have children, for example). Some of the difficult-category questions we receive may range from ‘do you like my partner’ to ‘should I stay with them’ or ‘do you think they are cheating?’.
The best general advice? Keep your unfiltered and unedited opinions to yourself. And if you feel tempted to do otherwise, rewind and repeat that mantra. Brutal honesty is not always the best policy When asked for a candid opinion from someone you care about, you want to be truthful. However, brutal honesty is not always the best policy, especially when there’s the potential to provide advice or input a friend may not be willing or open to receive. Sometimes not providing our honest opinions can feel misleading or untruthful; however, if any of us went through life fully verbalizing the “bubble above our head,” it’s likely most of our relationships would end. We make the best decisions for ourselves Ultimately the people in a relationship are the ones that have to decide what to do next, and they are ultimately the only people who can come to a resolution about how their relationship should unfold. So, when asked for advice in these types of situations your role is twofold: to provide friends support when they ask for it and help guide them toward making the best decision for themselves. What are some ways we can approach situations where we are asked for our candid, unfiltered advice – and we know that advice is probably not what our friend wants to hear?
Remember, when it comes to other people’s relationships, good questions asked are better than candid opinions given! Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My wife is inconsolable after three miscarriages. What can I do? The answer: There are a number of things that may be help your wife through this difficult and understandably emotional time. First, resist the tendency to problem-solve. Let her know that you love and care about her, and that you want to support her as best as you can. Acknowledge that you don’t fully understand or appreciate what she is experiencing, but communicate that you want to understand. Then listen to her. Many men have a tendency to want to try to problem-solve or find a solution, but many women feel that they just need the opportunity to express what they are feeling. Being overly positive (e.g., “don’t worry, next time I know things will work out”) may feel invalidating to her. Ask her what you can do that would be helpful. We all cope in different ways and need different types of support from our loved ones. Ask her what you may be inadvertently doing or saying that is unhelpful. Ensure that you are present for any appointments that she is attending with respect to managing her health post-miscarriage, and also in terms of appointments moving forward to investigate causes of the miscarriages. Although the rates of having one miscarriage are quite high (15-20 per cent, with the bulk of these miscarriages occurring within the first seven weeks of pregnancy), the rates do increase with previous number of miscarriages and concerns your wife may be having about the viability of future pregnancies may be a realistic yet also saddening or frightening thought. Many women may experience a grief reaction, where they go through a number of emotional stages before they get to a stage of acceptance. These stages may include: denial that the loss has occurred; anger at having to deal with multiple losses; bargaining for the situation to be different; and sadness or depression. Keep in mind that you may be also experiencing your own emotional reactions to this, and ensure that you are getting the support you need as well. A number of factors impact the manner in which a woman copes with pregnancy loss: how early in the pregnancy the miscarriage occurs; the woman’s age; whether there are previous children; and the number of previous losses. These factors impact the bond a woman starts to make with her child (which is qualitatively different and often much stronger than the bond a father makes in early stages of pregnancy) and may amplify other worries, concerns or anxieties the woman has both about her fertility and the viability of having another child. At some point you both may benefit from speaking to a mental health professional, who can address if she is experiencing any clinical levels of depression or anxiety. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My daughter gets excellent grades and wants to be a doctor. She’s been accepted for pre-med at several schools with full scholarship. But now she’s talking about taking a year off before university. I think she’s scared that things won’t be as easy for her as in high school, but I’m worried that a year off will only deepen her anxiety and knock her careers plans off course. What should I do? The answer: As a parent, one of the most important things you want is to see your children be happy, healthy and thrive in their lives. The desire to protect your children and navigate them toward the best decisions is deeply ingrained. So it’s natural that this situation is creating some distress for you. First, congratulations on raising not only an intelligent, but what sounds to be an insightful daughter. The reality is that university is a very different playing field than high school, and her worry is not unwarranted. Worry or anxiety is not a bad thing; we have it for a reason. It mobilizes an action or a response to deal with a stressful (or perceived stressful) situation; it indicates to us that we value the thing we are feeling worried about; and it communicates to those around us that we may need some support. Your daughter’s response is a normal reaction to a coming and significant transition in her life. There are a few things I would suggest you do: Try to understand the depth of your daughter’s anxiety. Find out whether her desire to take a year off is fully precipitated by anxiety or if other considerations are playing a role. Give her reassurance about her ability to successfully cope with the transition. And openly communicate your concerns to her. Start by saying how proud you are of her and that your desire as a parent is to see her succeed and excel in life. Convey that you understand she is worried about things being harder at university and that she is right that things may be challenging. Let her know that you have confidence in her skills to adjust. Ask her what is motivating her to take a year off and what she wants to do in that time. Then listen. You indicate that you think her decision is motivated by fear, but this may be a very small part of it. She may be thinking that if she is going to take a break from school, now is the time before she starts to undertake a decade-plus of additional schooling. The reality is that it will be much more difficult to consider a year off once she begins her studies. Perhaps she is thinking of travelling, or working and making money. If she continues to live at home, establish some motivating parameters. For example, let her know that if she is not attending school she is expected to work and pay rent, and that she needs to increase her contribution to the household (through cleaning, cooking and so on). To calm your worry, remind yourself that for most young adults, a year of working in the real world at what will likely be a low paying, less than ideal job actually has the opposite effect of motivating them to go back to school sooner. Ultimately, you need to trust your daughter’s decision as she is an adult, and also have confidence that you have raised a young woman who will make the right decision. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I don’t want children, but this upsets my family and in particular my parents who are looking forward to having grandchildren. How do I get them to understand once and for all that my husband and I are content in our lives and don’t want kids? The answer: Statistics from Canada, the United States and Britain all demonstrate converging trends: that conservatively, at least 20 per cent of women (and by extension couples) are no longer having children. By choice. The Gen Xers started the trend, and the Gen Yers are continuing it. Only time will tell what the next generation will do, but if the trends are any indication, they will probably follow in the footsteps of their prior generations. “That’s so selfish!” “But why not?!” “Who’s going to take care of you when you are old?!” scream the worried-and-equally confused friends and relatives of such couples. You and your husband are like many modern-day couples – choosing not to have children, and being comfortable with your decision. Likely, your decision was made as a result of a combination of factors: You may want to focus on your respective careers; you may want to have time and money to engage in other activities that may not be impossible, but certainly can be more difficult with children (e.g., extensive travel, living in an urban setting); and being content in your relationship of two, without feeling the need to expand. Or you may be concerned about your ecological footprint, about the world children are being brought into (environmentally, and otherwise) as well. Despite your decision being one that many couples are increasingly choosing, relatives (usually those from older generations) and friends or family who have kids – and could not imagine there life without them – may be utterly and genuinely confused by your decision. First of all, give up the hope that your family will truly understand your decision, as they may never. You can, however, try to convey your reasoning. The approach you take needs to be a delicate balance between honesty and none-of-your-business. What you share is going to depend on who you are speaking to. For example, your parents may warrant a more detailed explanation than acquaintances you see a couple of times a year. Validate the concerns your parents have voiced: “I understand that you are really worried about us regretting this decision when we are older.” Then reassure them via a united front, “but we have both been very thoughtful about our decision, which was not made overnight, and we are confident we are doing the best thing for ourselves, our relationship, and our future.” And, if appropriate, explain why “both of us love the idea of having freedom and money to travel the world.” Once you have stated your case, wrap up the conversation and gently yet assertively curb repeat attempts others may make to probe more, while understanding that they are probably coming from a place of genuine care and concern. As a woman who has no children by choice (at least at this point in my life), my favourite retort to the “but that’s so selfish” comment is usually a genuinely perplexed expression inviting the person to please describe who I am being selfish toward, and how. Usually that stops the conversation quickly. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
There’s a couple who are both friends of mine, but they want very different things. As a woman, I understand my female friend’s desire for marriage, kids and the house in the suburbs. He’s not that into it, but follows along. I’m concerned he’ll end up miserable in a life he didn’t really want. Should I talk to him about my concerns, or just let it go? The answer: I have some questions that you need to be honest about answering: First, why do you think your friends have not considered these differences in their decision to stay together? Second, why is there a stronger loyalty you seem to feel toward your male friend? (Perhaps that is the friend you have the closer bond or longer history with?) Third, what you are trying to achieve by potentially raising these concerns with your friend? It is important for you to, very candidly, consider what your motive and intent is in having a conversation with your friend. Can you truthfully say that you have no hidden agenda or malintent in having this conversation? If yes, then keep reading. The issues that you may potentially raise (and I emphasize with, potentially), and the manner in which you raise them, are going to be dependent on a number of factors, not least of which relates to the history and nature of your relationship with each partner. You want to be mindful of not being disrespectful to either friend, and also not judge a situation without all the information. Have you considered possible explanations for why your friend is ostensibly just “going along” with things he may not want? Perhaps he’s shifted his perspective about what he wants in his life and what is important to him. Maybe the pros of being with a partner he loves and cares for – and compromising by living in the suburbs – outweigh the previous cons he felt about moving out of the city. Remain open to the possibility that there may be considerations both have had which you are not aware or privy to. Keep in mind that any time two individuals join lives in a partnership, there are inevitable personality and life-goal differences that must be dealt with, reconciled or overcome. This can include things such as the manner in which the relationship is formalized. It is not uncommon for people to feel that they, for example, never before considered kids or marriage, but then changed their mind when they met the right person. It sounds like you are concerned about your friend and simply want him to make life decisions that are the right decisions for him. As a friend, your role is to unconditionally and non-judgmentally support him. You may want to check in on how things are going and how he’s feeling. You could, for example, ask him how things are going between the two of them, or how he’s feeling about the direction their relationship is going. (“Wow, lots of changes you are making; how are you feeling about the big move to the suburbs?) Ask open-ended questions where you aren’t making any assumptions or judgments. That way, you open the channels of communication and allow him to talk to you if there really are things he’s concerned about. My experience is that when friends, even very close friends, get in the middle of relationships, it rarely ever turns out well. Be respectful of his partner (remember, she is also your friend!) and their relationship by not making any assumptions. Just make yourself available to be a listening ear if needed. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My family is dealing with very difficult neighbours. It’s causing us so much stress that we are considering moving from our great neighbourhood to a nearby community. At the same time, my wife and I have anxiety over uprooting our young children. I’m tormented over what will be best for our family in the long run. Should we stay or move? The answer: There are two distinct, yet overlapping issues you are faced with: One, the immediate concern of how to effectively approach and personally cope with the situation regarding your neighbours; and two, whether moving your family is the right long-term solution to a possible perpetual problem. It’s going to be difficult to come to a balanced decision about the second issue until you sort out the first. All too often, we tend to adopt knee-jerk reactions when we are put in high-stress situations. In-the-moment-solutions that we come up with seem to be the only viable options we have. Unfortunately, however, our decision-making when under high emotional distress is often skewed, and we don’t consider all of the pertinent factors that would help make a more rational decision. This happens as stressful situations elicit a fight-or-flight response in us, which is a very strongly engrained, adaptive response that ensures survival. However, unless you and your family are in acute danger or threatening situation from your neighbours (which doesn’t sound to be the case), the response may be mismatched to the situation. Start by thinking rationally about your situation. Writing down the issues can often help provide some perspective. Be specific and detailed in outlining the issues you have with your neighbours. Sit down with your wife and do the following:
Currently you are only weighing the pros and cons of a move as being the only solution, but there may be other less intrusive options. Ultimately, if you have exhausted all other realistic possibilities, and if the issues with your neighbours are significant in severity and impact, a move may be the decision you and your wife arrive at for the long-term. Keep in mind that you may encounter a similar problem in a new neighbourhood and that a moving each time is not an effective long-term coping strategy. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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