By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I love being single, every day of the year except Valentine’s Day. For 24 hours I feel like I need another person in my life. It’s an awful feeling. What do you recommend I do to avoid this? I can’t do another ‘single’s party’ or first date. It all seems so fake. The answer: Ask yourself this: why does feeling that you need another person seem awful? Think about why you are rejecting any notion of being in a couple. As humans we are social creatures, who both need other people in our life, and need to be needed by others. Think about what this is about for you – do you feel it is a sign of weakness to need another? Is this a barrier for you in terms of actively pursuing or acting on a connection with someone? That said, certain days of the year can feel particularly difficult if you are single – and Valentine’s Day falls at the top of that list. This of course is not surprising given that it is the day of the year that has an explicit focus on couples, relationships and ideas of never-ending romantic love. Other special days such as Christmas, New Year’s and birthdays are also ones that can be hard hitters. Many single people will describe just wishing that those days would hurry up and be over, as they feel particularly lonely on those days, much more than they may at any other time of the year. Making yourself do something to rebel against the idea of Valentine’s Day often doesn’t work. A ‘single’s party’ for example can ironically have the opposite effect and further amplify your single status; and, having a first date just for the sake of a date certainly can feel fake and forced. Instead, think about just doing something for yourself that is a treat or makes you feel special – a massage, an indulgent gift, or a short trip away. Try to understand what it is that you are reacting you – you say that you “love” being single every other day but feeling “awful” on Valentine’s Day. There appears to be a disconnect for me in the intensity of the feelings you are having. You are wishing that your relationship status was different, and perhaps you aren’t loving being single as much as you feel at times. This may be hard to admit or acknowledge to yourself, but may be important information in that it may motivate you to make some active changes in your life that can help you to work on changing your relationship status. For the interim, to get through the day, remember that Valentine’s Day is a day just like any other (also true for the other holidays!). This can be hard to do when we are bombarded by images of flowers, balloons, chocolates and other testimonials attesting to one’s love for another person every which way we look – TV, stores, and even in your office. But it is just one day and there are 364 others that are not surrounded with multiple images of coupledom. Remind yourself that your negative feelings will abate (as they always do) and that the 24 hours will be over before you know it. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Navigating Valentine’s Day when partners don’t agree about its significance
For heterosexual couples, there’s no special occasion that men and women disagree about more than Valentine’s Day! Many men that I hear from are frustrated and confused about the (seemingly) disproportionate emphasis that their female partners place on this day relative to other days of the year. Why do women like Valentine’s Day and place more importance on it? Let’s talk about it! Note this article is not intended to exclude same-sex couples, but rather to address some of the significant sex differences that do exist between men and women when it comes to Valentine’s Day. Why do women like Valentine’s Day? So, let me explain why I think women like Valentine’s Day. They like Valentine’s Day for reasons that are, in spirit, not dissimilar to the reasons they like other special occasions. The day is a celebration of something very special in their lives – love. An informal poll of my female friends was unanimous. This is a day that women want to feel extra loved, appreciated and special to their partners. Chalk it up to the childhood dreams many of us women have about fairy-tale happy endings and knights in shining armour. It’s perhaps a little silly, and usually far from the reality of life, but certainly, something that makes many feel warm and fuzzy inside. How to navigate Valentine’s Day without feeling like you’re letting your partner down Here’s what I suggest:
Love Languages In his fantastic book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, Dr. Gary Chapman writes about the differences couples encounter when they are speaking different “love languages.” He articulates the importance of understanding your partner’s primary love language (i.e. quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service or physical touch) as a way to improve and strengthen your relationship. Special occasions – and the associated celebration of them – often speak to the different love languages couples have, and the differences partners have about how the other communicates their love. So, smile. Enjoy the day. Go the extra mile for your partner on this day, then ask yourself: Something that makes her feel extra happy and special can’t be all bad, can it? By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My friends are getting a divorce and I’m afraid I’ll be caught in the middle. Even though I didn’t initially know my girlfriend’s soon-to-be ex-husband, I have formed a close relationship with him during their relationship. Now, I’m worried my girlfriend will expect me to support her fully through this. How do I avoid taking sides, will I still be alienating both of them? The answer: Having a strong bond with two friends who are in the process of divorcing is a very tricky situation to be in, and it’s wise that you are considering how to thoughtfully navigate these waters. This is a very emotionally tumultuous time for both of your friends, and a period during which they will be leaning on those close to them for support and friendship. One or both of them may have expectations of which mutual friends will side with whom, and it would be not at all unusual if they have a hypersensitivity to any signs of actual or perceived betrayal from their friends. The best way to approach this, given you have a feeling of loyalty to both, is to put the issues on the table and have a candid conversation with each of your friends (individually) about the position you feel you are in, and how to move forward in a way that is respectful and helpful to each of them. As your initial friendship was with your girlfriend, I would start by speaking to her. Think about how you would feel if you were in her situation; I certainly know if I were her, I would appreciate and feel respected to have you approach me first. Put out there the truth of how you feel – that you value your friendship, that (as she is aware) you have also over the years formed a friendship with her husband, and that you feel stuck in the middle. Let her know you want to support her but aren’t sure how to best do this in a way that no one gets hurt. Ask her what her expectations are. The best-case situation is that she understands the position that you are in, and doesn’t hold it against you that you also have a friendship with her husband. The two of you can then come to some agreements about how you can offer her support, while still maintaining your friendship with her ex. I’ve been in this situation myself, and I found the best thing I could do was let each friend know that I was there to listen to them if they needed support, that I would maintain the confidentiality of what each of them told me, and that I would not engage in conversation where one partner wanted to extract information from me about the other (e.g., who they are dating, what they are saying about the other, etc.). If both parties are mature and empathetic to your position, this can work well. Your primary challenge will be to ensure that you stick to the boundaries you have established, and be mindful and attentive if either friend strays from the agreed-upon parameters. It would be natural if you found yourself siding a bit more with one friend over the other, but you will have to rigidly adhere to not verbalizing this if you hope to maintain both friendships in the long term. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. Dealing with Grief During the Holidays
Grief, following the death of someone we care about, takes a huge emotional toll on us. Somewhat surprisingly, many of us believe it shouldn’t take that long to “get over” the grief we experience. This is due to, at least in part, the fact that we’re given a relatively short amount of time to grieve – for example, only a handful of days off work, and often very little reprieve from other day-to-day demands of life. But grief is much more complicated than that and dealing with grief during the holidays can be particularly challenging. How We Experience Grief Grief is an incredibly personal process, and although the length of time that grief affects each of us will vary the first year is typically the most difficult. It’s the year of “firsts” as we have to experience each occasion for the first time without that special person. The first birthdays, the first Mother’s/Father’s Day and the first holiday season. Know that it won’t always feel as hard as it does the first year. This person will continue to be someone you think of, they will have a presence in your memory, and they will be dearly missed, but it won’t always feel as challenging or deeply saddening as it does the first year. So how do you get through the holidays, particularly that first year, when you’re feeling sadness and loss while also feeling you should be happier or celebrating? How to Deal with Grief During the Holidays First, have an open and candid discussion with family (making sure the conversation is age-appropriate for children).
2. Second, find a way to honour and incorporate the memory of your loved one in the season’s celebrations.
Final Thoughts Often a big factor that holds us back from wanting to celebrate after a loved one passes relates to guilt – guilt at being happy when our loved one is no longer here. We may feel like we don’t have the right to celebrate when their life has ended, or somehow feel we are betraying their memory if we are having fun. Know that none of these things are true. Enjoying and celebrating the present, with the family who’s there, in no way negates the love for the loved one that has passed. The best way to honour the memories of those we have lost is to maximize our enjoyment of our loved ones while they are alive. Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Spending Less Time with Family Over the Holidays
When big changes happen in your life, like a new relationship, getting engaged, getting married, having children, other things in your life are also going to change – one of those things is holiday traditions. You will, over time, create new traditions with your family – that is, both your extended families and, down the road, your nuclear family if you choose to have kids. So, spending less time with your family over the holiday may make sense but talking about it isn’t necessarily easy. Family Relationships and Shame There’s no shame in wanting to change holiday traditions or wanting to spend more time with your partner’s family over your own. Though do note that shame is one of the most toxic and harmful emotions we can experience. It makes us feel inferior, worthless and wrong and is often associated with a critical voice that tells us we should feel or act in a way that’s different than how we actually have. How to Manage the Changing Traditions this Holiday Season So, the first step in managing new traditions is to work on rephrasing how you feel. If you still want to maintain a relationship with your own family it may feel challenging to tell them you’d like to spend less time with them during the holidays. So, the way you break the news to them can make all the difference. Ask yourself two questions:
You want them to first understand the decision isn’t an easy one for you and that you have mixed emotions about your decision (small white lies don’t hurt in these situations); and second, not begrudge you for your decision. When we struggle with how to approach a conversation, a number of factors get in the way. We don’t know what to say or how to say it; we get caught up in over-thinking the talk, worrying about all the possible – and often unlikely – outcomes; we let our own emotions, like anxiety or fear, get the way; we can’t decide what we really want; or we find that external factors, like how your family may react, are an impediment. We have an element of control over all but the last of these factors. Tips on how to have this conversation with your family:
Final Thoughts It’s also important to note that no one should feel obligated to spend time with family over the holidays. Just because we are related to someone does not mean that having a relationship with them is necessary or even healthy. So, if any members of your family are abusive, toxic or otherwise problematic you are not obligated to spend time with them – even during the holidays. Also, it’s always important to take care of ourselves, and this is particularly true during the holiday season, with the holidays being emotionally charged in a number of ways and the days being shorter which can have an impact on our psychological health and wellness. So, make sure to take care of yourself this Christmas and engage in parties and traditions that are going to be healthy for you. Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
For the last year my son has been living with me and my current wife. He was taken away from his biological mother’s home because of physical and emotional abuse. Now my son and my wife have power struggles. Anything is a fight, even simple things like doing his chores. And it just gets worse if I try to intervene. It is hard to choose sides: my wife who I love, or my son who is my life. I can’t choose, and it’s harder and harder to have a good home. What can I do to fix this? The answer: I spent a number of years working in child protection, both with parents who perpetrated abuse, as well as with child victims and their non-abusive families. The most important thing is for you to be patient and to be unconditionally there for your son. It will take him time to adjust to a new environment, but most children will test the waters for months or even years before they trust there is consistency and stability in their new environment. And remember that you also do not have to choose sides – your wife holds a certain role in your life, and your son holds another. As you’ve seen with him, the impact of any kind of abuse – physical, sexual, verbal or emotional – can be devastating, particularly when it’s directed toward a child during their formative years. Children manifest the impacts of abuse in myriad ways. Some tend to internalize the effects and withdraw (low mood, isolation, worry, anxiety). Physical symptoms (tummy aches, headaches, generally not “feeling well”) can be common manifestations. Others tend to externalize and demonstrate mood lability – that is, up-and-down mood swings, anger, verbal (and even physical) aggression. These behaviours, particularly aggressive behaviours, serve a self-protective goal: They protect children from being hurt again. All of these behaviours have an underlying thread of emotional pain and fear. As the abuse was perpetrated by his mother, it also is very likely that your son is experiencing difficulties in trusting female caregivers. Your son has had his worldview of them shaped by his previous experiences. He has associated a mother figure with someone who inflicts hurt and harm, and they cannot be trusted to be nurturing and protective. This is all translates into rebellion against your wife’s parenting attempts. Furthermore, he may be viewing your attempts to intervene as an implicit message that you do not understand or support him. The way that you should approach this depends on where your son is at developmentally. Ensure that you are spending one-on-one time with him, and try to understand how is doing emotionally. If he is capable of verbalizing his behaviours, find out what is motivating them. Are there certain triggers (the words your wife uses, or non-verbal behaviours such as her tone or stance) that he is reacting to? What changes would make the relationship more comfortable for him? Speak to your wife separately; I assume that she is not engaging in any inappropriate behaviour. Tell her that you love her and are motivated to do what you can to improve the situation between her and your son. Pay attention to whether there are behaviours she may inadvertently be engaging in that are triggering your son. She is likely – and understandably – frustrated with your son’s behaviours and may be implicitly communicating her frustration. Ensure that she knows you are there to support her, as she may be feeling isolated and helpless. Establish age-appropriate consequences for your son’s behaviours. It is very natural to want to overcompensate for his biological mother’s past abuse by being overly lax with consequences, but children need structure and natural outcomes to behaviours both good and bad. Contact the child protection agency that has been involved with your son to see if counselling supports are available for him – and also importantly, for your family. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I recently had my second child – shouldn’t this be a happy time for a mother? But I feel lost. It’s like I’m not living my own life any more. Is that normal? What should I do? The answer: Having a baby can be one of the happiest moments in life … yet it is also high on the list of stressful life events. Most women experience myriad emotions after giving birth – excitement, happiness, elation and joy. In addition to the usual (expected) positive emotions, many women also experience low or sad mood, tearfulness, frustration or a sense of emptiness. These negative emotions are often a surprising reaction to what most feel should be a unilaterally happy event. This experience, however, is extremely common. As many as 75 per cent of moms will experience the “baby blues,” which in addition to low mood can also include a general feeling of flatness or emptiness. Unfortunately, however, many feel a sense of shame in terms of talking about their negative emotions. There are a number of factors that contribute to the baby blues. The delivery and postpartum process leads to significant hormonal changes. Progesterone levels – which play a role in mood, energy and libido, among other things – decrease dramatically to allow milk production to begin. There is a significant increase in adrenalin during delivery, and then a crash afterward. This, combined with the physical demands of birth and the associated sleep deprivation, understandably leads to a major impact on mood. In addition, there are substantive life changes that come along with the responsibility of caring for another human life. This can be compounded by already having one baby and can, not uncommonly, lead moms to feel overwhelmed and lost. Most women find that their mood will lift within a few weeks as they get used to the baby and their new schedule, as hormone levels stabilize, and as mom and baby get into a routine. Talking about how you are feeling to those that are close to you can help. Joining a moms’ baby group in your community can provide you with additional support and may help you feel that what you are experiencing is normal. Ask those close to you for help in day-to-day things that feel overwhelming (housecleaning, grocery shopping, meal preparation). Build in short windows of time in which your partner or other trusted friend or family member can watch the baby while you get some time to yourself. Build in self-care activities, such as taking an uninterrupted bath, going for a walk or getting a massage. If you are persistently feeling low, flat or empty for more than a month, you may benefit from seeking professional assistance. About one of 10 women will develop clinical levels of depression that are important to treat early on. Ask yourself if you are feeling low or flat more often than not for weeks or longer. Do you have a loss of interest in usual activities and things that you would normally enjoy? Are you experiencing significant appetite changes, persistent anxiety or pervasive irritability? If so, speaking to your nurse, midwife, doula or family doctor is important. They may suggest a referral to a mental health professional, such as a psychologist or psychiatrist. If at any point you feel you are at risk to harm yourself or your baby, immediately seek help and call 911. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth
The question: I told a friend about a job I was applying for. The opportunity excited her, and she asked if she could apply too. I said okay, but I’m really ticked now and feel like I can’t trust her. Can our friendship be salvaged? The answer: Let me get this straight: You tell your friend about the job that you want; she directly approaches you and asks for your permission to apply; you say yes, but now you don’t trust her? I am confused! I’m unclear how or why this has created a trust issue – trust is broken when one deceives, misleads or betrays us. Unless I’m missing something, none of these instances apply to this situation. It sounds as though you are more upset with yourself than anything else, and that your frustration with the decisions you made (to tell your friend about the job, to say yes she could apply) is being projected on her. Ask yourself honestly whether the issue relates to anything your friend has done or said. I suspect the decision you are most upset about is, in the spur of the moment, replying “okay” when she asked about applying as well. Ask yourself why you said “okay” when you more likely meant to say “no,” so that you don’t do it again if you are ever in another similar situation. Are you a people-pleaser who easily succumbs to others’ requests? Do you hate disappointing your friends? Do you find it uncomfortable when someone is upset with you? Once you identify what the factors are, you will know how to move forward in an effective manner. Now, whether or not you can salvage your friendship – yes, of course you can. The best policy is honesty – you don’t want to move forward in your friendship with the elephant still in the room. Be proactive, short and to the point. Tell your friend there’s something that is bugging you, and take responsibility for your contribution. You could say something like: “I have to just put something out there about the job we both applied for. I know when you asked me about applying, I said ‘yes,’ but I realized after that I was actually super excited about the job and really wanted it. So I said ‘yes’ when I didn’t really mean it. That’s my fault, and I really respect that you asked if it was okay if you could apply. Anyway, I don’t want the job to get in the way of our friendship and I want to move on. I just wanted to let you know where I was at.” Then, do move on. For all of us, hindsight is always 20/20. Pay attention to the lessons you have learned about yourself. And above all, don’t let a job get in the way of a friendship that you value. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My common-law partner and I have both had previous marriages. I’ve always wanted to marry again, but he refuses to even speak about the possibility. He pulls away emotionally and physically each time I’ve asked. Why can’t he get over the past and start fresh with me? I’m ready to be a wife again. The answer: For all of us, what we value and want in life is shaped significantly by our past experiences. Our history makes us who we are and – right or wrong – has a bearing on the future decisions we make. There’s no area in which this applies more than in our relationships. Humans are, to the core, social beings. We want, need and thrive from our social connections. Family, friends and intimate relationships are all important, yet distinct elements in the social network that surrounds us. Of our varied connections, intimate relationships are perhaps the most complex, confusing and crazy-making. These are also the relationships that have the potential to bring us an immense happiness and joy. Unfortunately, today’s relationships are more complex (for a range of societal reasons) than the relationships of decades ago. People are much more likely to see divorce as an acceptable option to a failing relationship; both men and women are waiting longer to get married; women are willfully not having children; and many choose co-habitation in the absence of legally being married. I don’t see your biggest issue as being the difference in value you and your partner place on the legal institution of marriage. Many couples are able to come to a mutually acceptable decision to agree to disagree on important relationship points. The bigger issue is the manner in which the two of you are communicating – or not communicating – about these differences. You make the assumption that his disinterest with marriage is reflective of his inability to get over his past. There is a good chance that this is a faulty interpretation. Have you tried to ask him about his reasons for not wanting to get married? Perhaps his experience was that the legal entity of marriage offered no added value to his past relationship? Perhaps it added financial and logistical complexity that he does not want to deal with again in your current situation? Perhaps he perceived marriage as having a constraining, negative and destructive influence on his relationship? Conversely, does he understand (and have you been able to fully articulate) the reasons you want to get married again? Do you feel that marriage would offer you a commitment and stability that isn’t currently in your relationship? Ask yourself if there are things he can do or say that would provide you the key elements you think marriage would offer. It could be that the bigger issue is not the difference of opinions on marriage, but other fundamental difficulties in your relationship that need to be solved. I would encourage you to have an open conversation about your positions on marriage. You both need to truly understand each other’s perspectives and ensure you have the same long-term vision of your relationship for it to work. Remember that getting married is no guarantee that the relationship will be a fulfilling or lasting one – similarity and respect for your individual and joint values and goals are. Ultimately the issue of marriage may become a deal-breaker for one of you, but try to be open to the idea that you can both have what you want in a relationship in the absence of it. Who knows, open conversation may even result in one of you making a willful shift in your ideals. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My parents have never emotionally supported me and see me as a disappointment because I am divorced, yet I feel a responsibility to maintain regular contact and be there to help them with whatever they need (attending medical appointments, booking their travel). I’m 44 years old, live my life according to good values and am a mom myself, so why do I constantly take the role of unassertive doormat in my family? The answer: The interesting thing about families is that we might not always like them, but we often have a love for them that supersedes all else. Unfortunately, we don’t choose our family, yet are stuck with them for the long haul, warts and all. It still never ceases to amaze me how, despite being adults, virtually all of us (myself included) tend to play out the dynamics and roles in our families that we adopted when we were children. My role, for example – which continues through to this day – was to be “the mature, responsible one,” and behaviours that were tolerated among my younger siblings were (and are) completely unacceptable coming from me. As children, regardless of age, most of us have a strong need to be accepted by our parents. We want them to unconditionally love and accept us, and we want to make them proud. Unfortunately, we often have little control over how our parents, or any other person in our life for that matter, view us. We can, however, actively do things to buffer the impact that our parents’ potentially negative views have on us. There’s a quote from self-help author Dr. Wayne Dyer that I love: “What other people think of me is none of my business.” The only thing you can do is live your life in a way that stays consistent with your values, with no regrets. You sound like a values-driven person who places strong emphasis on taking responsibility for your parents. It sounds important to you to do things to help them, in spite of not receiving their recognition or appreciation. The reality is that your parents won’t always be here. Don’t compromise what you value – providing them with support when needed – out of anger or spite. Continue to be the bigger person. The best advice I have is to do what you do for them without expectation. Often we feel disappointed in others because we expect them to respond differently than how our past experience tell us they’ll react. Strike a balance between your needs and theirs. Be mindful of not bending over backward at the expense of other things you want to do in your life. It may be that you always have been at their beck and call, so therefore they expect you to always be so. Do not feel that you always have to immediately respond to their requests. Adding in a delay to requests may make them appreciate what you do for them more than they currently do. Finally, choose to have friends and others in your life that provide you with the emotional support that you need. The social supports that we have around us provide the best buffer against other less than ideal relationships in our life. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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