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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My husband takes vacations on his own. He does also go on holidays with my daughter and me, but I’m feeling a little resentful of his solo time off. Am I wrong to feel that way? The answer: There is a lot to be said for the value and importance of couples – particularly those with kids – having time away from each other. Time apart can give people a chance to recharge, to devote time and attention to one’s own needs separate from the demands of others, and to appreciate their spouse. Whenever I see couples in my patient practice, I explain to them that there are four separate units they need to pay attention to and nurture: the couple unit, the family unit (including kids and other extended family members), and each partner as an individual unit. When any of these areas are not given adequate time, attention or nurturance, the other units suffer. Now, how much energy and attention is given (or needs to be given) to each of these is based on a number of factors, not least of which is what each couple or family’s needs are as well as what logistically and pragmatically works for them. You ask if you are wrong to feel resentful of your husband’s solo time off. I feel very strongly that we are never wrong to feel what we feel. A better question to ask is why are you feeling the way that you do, and what can you do that can improve the situation. Resentment at its heart has an element of actual or perceived unfairness. So it seems that you feel the fact that he gets solo vacations is unfair, and I’m making the assumption that you are not getting similar time off yourself. Assuming there are no other concerns that you have about his vacations away (such as potential infidelity), there is one of two things that can be done to level the playing field: He can stop taking his time away or you can find ways to get your own solo time. I would lean toward the latter as being the best solution. I would speak openly with your husband about this. But before you have the conversation, ask yourself what it is specifically that you want. Do you want time away by yourself? With girlfriends or family? Do you wish you had vacations with him only, without your daughter? What is it about the time away that you value most? Is it time away from regular routine and responsibilities? Perhaps an opportunity for you to recharge? Bonding time with friends or your husband? Articulate what you feel resentful about missing. Then speak to your husband about how the two of you can work as a family to ensure you also create this time for yourself. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My husband has always been short-tempered, but he has become increasingly angry over the past few months. He takes it out on our pre-teen children – he has never gotten physical and does not swear or get otherwise verbally abusive. But he gets easily annoyed and frustrated, and will raise his voice and get upset with them to the point that they don’t want to be around him. His responses are out of proportion to the situations. How can I help him see the damage he is causing? The answer: Anger is a normal, healthy emotion that we all experience at times. Like any other emotion, anger exists on a continuum with varying degrees of severity. The range of emotions may include minor annoyance, irritation or frustration, all the way up to fury or rage. It is important to distinguish the emotional experience of anger (which can be appropriate in some circumstances) from the outward expression of anger (which is often inappropriate, and can lead to damaging, destructive or abusive situations). Anger can serve a useful function in some situations: namely when we are in situations where we are being disrespected, threatened/attacked, or when our boundaries are being crossed. Anger can become unhealthy and problematic when it is mismatched to the severity of a situation, or when it is inappropriately expressed or negatively impacting others – like the situation you seem to be describing with your husband. In these latter types of situations, anger often is a “secondary emotion” – meaning that it may be a sign of another underlying “primary emotion”. Insecurity, fear/anxiety, and depression can often manifest as anger, particularly for men. Given that you have described a recent change in your husband’s behaviour, it may be likely that his anger is reflective of some other emotional experience or stressor. Given that your husband’s behaviour is having a negative impact on your young children, you need to address this with him immediately. You may want to start by having a general discussion about changes you’ve observed over recent months. Be specific and objective in describing the behaviour you have seen, and avoid making assumptions or laying blame (as this will likely just lead to him feeling defensive). Let him know that you want to work with him as a family to create a more supportive and caring environment for your children. Describe the impact it’s having on your children. Ask if he’s noticed that things have felt different or ‘off’ recently, and if there are things that have been bothering him over recent months that you may be unaware of. Take a problem-solving approach where you work with your husband to identify factors that may be contributing to his anger (and work on solving those). Also, try to agree upon some immediate strategies to minimize the impact of his mood on your children (e.g., ask him to go for a short walk to relax before he comes home from work and sees the family). You should remain unapologetic in your expression of behaviours that need to change. Know that there are a range of effective strategies for managing anger, including: identifying trigger factors/situations (and working to reduce those); working to solve underlying issues (e.g., untreated depression or anxiety); learning and implementing relaxation strategies; reducing alcohol or other non-prescription substance use; changing thoughts/interpretations that lead to angry thoughts; and learning more effective/healthy communication styles (e.g., assertive, rather than aggressive communication styles). Note: If there is ever any indication of emotional, verbal or physical abuse – toward you or children – it is important first and foremost to ensure safety of everyone involved. Remove yourself and your children from any potentially dangerous or threatening situation and call The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) for resources in your area. There are a number of useful books on anger management that may be helpful for individuals that are dealing with anger problems, as well as for their loved ones to better understand anger patterns and triggers. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My mother criticizes my weight every time I see her. I am overweight, but am well aware. Her comments do not help! How can I deal with her? The answer: Our relationship with our mother can be one of the most complex bonds we have. When the relationship is strong, positive and loving it can be a source of tremendous happiness and validation. When the relationship (or elements of the relationship) are less than ideal it can be a source of sadness, anxiety or even anger. As children, we are of course reliant on our parental figures for food, caretaking, safety and security. As we become older and independent, we no longer rely on our parents for these basic needs. Despite this, our need for acceptance and validation often remains strong, even as adult children. As such it can often be difficult to speak directly or assertively to our mothers about difficult topics. A certain amount of “motherly critique” is a normal part of the mother/child relationship. However, repeat criticisms about weight are both unhelpful and disrespectful, and can be damaging to your self-esteem and confidence. The best advice is to address your mother’s criticisms directly and assertively. Let your mother know that her comments are unhelpful, unnecessary and hurtful. Clearly let her know that you would like her to stop making these comments. Respectfully state the consequences if her statements don’t stop. For example, you could let her know that you need to end your visit with her if she begins to criticize you unfairly. The difficult (but important) part will be for you to follow through with the consequences if her behaviour does not change. Here are some tips for speaking with your mother in an assertive way: – Clearly describe the statements she makes that you find hurtful. Be objective, specific, and avoid being judgmental or criticizing her back. – Express how her statements impact you. Don’t assume that she will necessarily understand what the effect has been on you until you tell her. – Directly state what you need to see in terms of her behaviour change. Tell her clearly that you would like her to stop making comments about your weight. – Assert the consequences if her behaviour does not stop. – Express how much you value your relationship with her, and let her know that you are hopeful that things can continue to improve between the two of you. Remember to be clear, direct and do not make any apologies for establishing boundaries in your relationship with her. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I have a 17-year-old son who suffers from autism. It can be difficult at times. When he eats, he can unexpectedly start acting up and make awful sounds. He will randomly pick up and turn things over. You can give him instructions as a parent and he decides not to move an inch. I love him, but I find myself struggling not to be angry at him for his worst actions. How can I find ways to cope with behaviour that I understand he may not be able to control? The answer: Raising a child with a pervasive developmental disorder can be one of the most personally taxing and challenging life situations a parent can find themselves in. First and foremost, you need to be gentle with yourself – you are only human, and feeling upset or even angry toward your son is a natural reaction that most parents with a special-needs child will experience. Most parents, however, feel reluctant to verbalize their negative feelings due to fear that they will be reprimanded or judged by others; suppressing these feelings will do nothing but amplify them over time. What’s important is that you get the support you need as you deal with the daily challenges of parenting your son, while of course remaining mindful of not inappropriately displaying your frustration to your son. Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) has the hallmark feature of impaired social interaction and is characterized by impairments in communication and repetitive, stereotyped behavioural patterns. Although there is no “cure” in the traditional sense for autism, symptoms often improve with age and treatment, with Applied Behavioural Analysis (ABA, a skill-oriented behavioural intervention that is highly structured and intensive) being the most strongly supported by research. This would be an avenue I would suggest exploring if you have not already. It’s important to keep in mind that repetitive or perseverative behaviours are not unique to individuals with autism; particularly when under stressors, many people will engage in some element of repetitive behaviours (e.g., nail biting, pacing, obsessive cleaning). Given your son’s age, I would guess you have spent countless hours over the years trying to understand and manage as best as you can your son’s behaviours. Over time, however, and given the number of years your family has been dealing with his autism, it’s natural to lose objectivity in understanding patterns that may exist, and there may be value in revisiting this. Specifically, pay attention to the days when the repetitive/perseverative behaviours are less frequent: What elements that occurred earlier in the day – and particularly in the hours leading up to mealtime – could account for this? Try to replicate the elements that seem to be associated with a reduction in his repetitive behaviours, and reduce or eliminate those that seem to play a role in exacerbating his symptoms. Most importantly, actively work to manage other stressors in your life that you do have control over. Pay attention to the usual factors that may reduce our threshold for stress; get adequate amounts of sleep, regularly exercise, eat healthy and minimize alcohol use. You can also join a support group in your community where you can get the emotional and logistical support that other parents with autistic children can offer. And make sure you schedule some “non-parenting time.” Don’t be shy to ask for help from your partner or family members, or you can implement external caretaking support if you are financially in a position to do so. Take the time away from parenting to do things that you enjoy: Meet a friend, go for a run, watch a movie – anything that provides you with much-needed relief from your responsibilities, for a little while. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My best friend is getting a divorce – and I’m ecstatic. His husband never treated him properly, and I think it’s long overdue. Do I have to act sad because my friend is? I’m trying to enforce the silver lining, but maybe I should just pretend to be devastated? The answer: The strongest friendships are based on a number of core elements: love, respect, trust, unconditional support and acceptance, and honesty. It sounds like you are struggling with knowing how to achieve a good balance between these different components of your friendship, all of which you value. On one hand, you are happy (and I suspect relieved) that your best friend is ending his relationship due to genuine concerns that you have had about him not being treated well. Your heart is in the right place here. You are making efforts to have him see the positive in the situation, which can help him to remain optimistic and hopeful despite his difficult current situation. On the other hand, you’re likely worried that your real feelings may not be perceived by your friend as supportive. Acting disingenuous never works out well in our close relationships. Inevitably our true feelings will come out, and there can be a negative impact on a relationship that can be difficult to repair. That said, you have to be sensitive and empathic to what your friend is going through. The most important thing right now is that you are the most supportive friend that you can be. Bite your tongue slightly on your true feelings (e.g., saying you feel “ecstatic” likely will not serve any useful supportive function, may come across as hurtful, and may be interpreted by your friend as a “I told you so” type of response). But you do not need to completely “act” in a way that is at odds with how you truly do feel (e.g., convey that you felt his husband did not treat him well). Your friend will likely read through any efforts you make to pretend that you feel otherwise and, as you are best friends, I would guess your friend already has a sense of how you feel about his situation. Ask your friend what he needs from you: tell him you love him, that you want to be supportive, and that you want to know what you can do that best help him. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I have a friend who I’ve known almost my whole life. A while ago, he asked me to wire him money because he “lost his wallet” – and not a small amount. Then he dropped out of sight. It turns out his life was nosediving because of alcohol and he wound up homeless. Now he’s getting back on his feet again. I’m happy for him, but now I’m unemployed and want my money back. How do I approach him? The answer: There is some wisdom in the old adage that money and friends don’t mix. More often than not, mixing the two can create rifts in a friendship and add an awkwardness that wasn’t there before. Now, in your situation, you did what a good friend does – in fact what a great friend does: You supported your friend when he needed it. Although you later realized that he was struggling with substance use and likely myriad other difficulties, you put your trust in him and gave when you thought he needed it. It is your friend’s turn to now support you. The best way to approach him is clearly and directly. Here are some tips you can follow when making your request: Describe the past situation: “You may remember that in [month/year] I lent you [x dollars] when you had called and let me know that you lost your wallet. I really wanted to help you out, so was happy to do so. I know you’ve gone through a lot since that time, and I am really happy that you are getting back on your feet again.” Describe your current situation (not necessary but it may help to give context): “Unfortunately, I recently lost my job and am struggling financially.” Make your request (be specific, and provide timelines): “So, I need the full amount of what I lent you back, ideally by the end of the month.” Be reasonably flexible and allow your friend to respond: “I realize that this is likely not something you were planning for. What are your thoughts on being able to get the full amount back to me within that time period?” Then negotiate a reasonable resolution that is acceptable to both of you. Be specific. Ask yourself what you are willing to accept and convey that clearly to your friend. For example, if you need the money within the month and he proposes to pay you six months down the road, let him know that won’t work for you and why. Tell him that you do not want money to get in the way of your friendship and that you are hopeful you can arrive at a resolution that works for both of you. Do not apologize (as that dilutes the request) and do not be overly wordy. If your friend is not willing to give your money back or work to get it to you within the limits he has, unfortunately, it may be that you just have to learn a very valuable lesson from this and decide how, or in what capacity, you want to keep this friend in your life moving forward. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I love being single, every day of the year except Valentine’s Day. For 24 hours I feel like I need another person in my life. It’s an awful feeling. What do you recommend I do to avoid this? I can’t do another ‘single’s party’ or first date. It all seems so fake. The answer: Ask yourself this: why does feeling that you need another person seem awful? Think about why you are rejecting any notion of being in a couple. As humans we are social creatures, who both need other people in our life, and need to be needed by others. Think about what this is about for you – do you feel it is a sign of weakness to need another? Is this a barrier for you in terms of actively pursuing or acting on a connection with someone? That said, certain days of the year can feel particularly difficult if you are single – and Valentine’s Day falls at the top of that list. This of course is not surprising given that it is the day of the year that has an explicit focus on couples, relationships and ideas of never-ending romantic love. Other special days such as Christmas, New Year’s and birthdays are also ones that can be hard hitters. Many single people will describe just wishing that those days would hurry up and be over, as they feel particularly lonely on those days, much more than they may at any other time of the year. Making yourself do something to rebel against the idea of Valentine’s Day often doesn’t work. A ‘single’s party’ for example can ironically have the opposite effect and further amplify your single status; and, having a first date just for the sake of a date certainly can feel fake and forced. Instead, think about just doing something for yourself that is a treat or makes you feel special – a massage, an indulgent gift, or a short trip away. Try to understand what it is that you are reacting you – you say that you “love” being single every other day but feeling “awful” on Valentine’s Day. There appears to be a disconnect for me in the intensity of the feelings you are having. You are wishing that your relationship status was different, and perhaps you aren’t loving being single as much as you feel at times. This may be hard to admit or acknowledge to yourself, but may be important information in that it may motivate you to make some active changes in your life that can help you to work on changing your relationship status. For the interim, to get through the day, remember that Valentine’s Day is a day just like any other (also true for the other holidays!). This can be hard to do when we are bombarded by images of flowers, balloons, chocolates and other testimonials attesting to one’s love for another person every which way we look – TV, stores, and even in your office. But it is just one day and there are 364 others that are not surrounded with multiple images of coupledom. Remind yourself that your negative feelings will abate (as they always do) and that the 24 hours will be over before you know it. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Navigating Valentine’s Day when partners don’t agree about its significance
For heterosexual couples, there’s no special occasion that men and women disagree about more than Valentine’s Day! Many men that I hear from are frustrated and confused about the (seemingly) disproportionate emphasis that their female partners place on this day relative to other days of the year. Why do women like Valentine’s Day and place more importance on it? Let’s talk about it! Note this article is not intended to exclude same-sex couples, but rather to address some of the significant sex differences that do exist between men and women when it comes to Valentine’s Day. Why do women like Valentine’s Day? So, let me explain why I think women like Valentine’s Day. They like Valentine’s Day for reasons that are, in spirit, not dissimilar to the reasons they like other special occasions. The day is a celebration of something very special in their lives – love. An informal poll of my female friends was unanimous. This is a day that women want to feel extra loved, appreciated and special to their partners. Chalk it up to the childhood dreams many of us women have about fairy-tale happy endings and knights in shining armour. It’s perhaps a little silly, and usually far from the reality of life, but certainly, something that makes many feel warm and fuzzy inside. How to navigate Valentine’s Day without feeling like you’re letting your partner down Here’s what I suggest:
Love Languages In his fantastic book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, Dr. Gary Chapman writes about the differences couples encounter when they are speaking different “love languages.” He articulates the importance of understanding your partner’s primary love language (i.e. quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service or physical touch) as a way to improve and strengthen your relationship. Special occasions – and the associated celebration of them – often speak to the different love languages couples have, and the differences partners have about how the other communicates their love. So, smile. Enjoy the day. Go the extra mile for your partner on this day, then ask yourself: Something that makes her feel extra happy and special can’t be all bad, can it? By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My friends are getting a divorce and I’m afraid I’ll be caught in the middle. Even though I didn’t initially know my girlfriend’s soon-to-be ex-husband, I have formed a close relationship with him during their relationship. Now, I’m worried my girlfriend will expect me to support her fully through this. How do I avoid taking sides, will I still be alienating both of them? The answer: Having a strong bond with two friends who are in the process of divorcing is a very tricky situation to be in, and it’s wise that you are considering how to thoughtfully navigate these waters. This is a very emotionally tumultuous time for both of your friends, and a period during which they will be leaning on those close to them for support and friendship. One or both of them may have expectations of which mutual friends will side with whom, and it would be not at all unusual if they have a hypersensitivity to any signs of actual or perceived betrayal from their friends. The best way to approach this, given you have a feeling of loyalty to both, is to put the issues on the table and have a candid conversation with each of your friends (individually) about the position you feel you are in, and how to move forward in a way that is respectful and helpful to each of them. As your initial friendship was with your girlfriend, I would start by speaking to her. Think about how you would feel if you were in her situation; I certainly know if I were her, I would appreciate and feel respected to have you approach me first. Put out there the truth of how you feel – that you value your friendship, that (as she is aware) you have also over the years formed a friendship with her husband, and that you feel stuck in the middle. Let her know you want to support her but aren’t sure how to best do this in a way that no one gets hurt. Ask her what her expectations are. The best-case situation is that she understands the position that you are in, and doesn’t hold it against you that you also have a friendship with her husband. The two of you can then come to some agreements about how you can offer her support, while still maintaining your friendship with her ex. I’ve been in this situation myself, and I found the best thing I could do was let each friend know that I was there to listen to them if they needed support, that I would maintain the confidentiality of what each of them told me, and that I would not engage in conversation where one partner wanted to extract information from me about the other (e.g., who they are dating, what they are saying about the other, etc.). If both parties are mature and empathetic to your position, this can work well. Your primary challenge will be to ensure that you stick to the boundaries you have established, and be mindful and attentive if either friend strays from the agreed-upon parameters. It would be natural if you found yourself siding a bit more with one friend over the other, but you will have to rigidly adhere to not verbalizing this if you hope to maintain both friendships in the long term. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail.  Dealing with Grief During the Holidays
Grief, following the death of someone we care about, takes a huge emotional toll on us. Somewhat surprisingly, many of us believe it shouldn’t take that long to “get over” the grief we experience. This is due to, at least in part, the fact that we’re given a relatively short amount of time to grieve – for example, only a handful of days off work, and often very little reprieve from other day-to-day demands of life. But grief is much more complicated than that and dealing with grief during the holidays can be particularly challenging. How We Experience Grief Grief is an incredibly personal process, and although the length of time that grief affects each of us will vary the first year is typically the most difficult. It’s the year of “firsts” as we have to experience each occasion for the first time without that special person. The first birthdays, the first Mother’s/Father’s Day and the first holiday season. Know that it won’t always feel as hard as it does the first year. This person will continue to be someone you think of, they will have a presence in your memory, and they will be dearly missed, but it won’t always feel as challenging or deeply saddening as it does the first year. So how do you get through the holidays, particularly that first year, when you’re feeling sadness and loss while also feeling you should be happier or celebrating? How to Deal with Grief During the Holidays First, have an open and candid discussion with family (making sure the conversation is age-appropriate for children).
2. Second, find a way to honour and incorporate the memory of your loved one in the season’s celebrations.
Final Thoughts Often a big factor that holds us back from wanting to celebrate after a loved one passes relates to guilt – guilt at being happy when our loved one is no longer here. We may feel like we don’t have the right to celebrate when their life has ended, or somehow feel we are betraying their memory if we are having fun. Know that none of these things are true. Enjoying and celebrating the present, with the family who’s there, in no way negates the love for the loved one that has passed. The best way to honour the memories of those we have lost is to maximize our enjoyment of our loved ones while they are alive. Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. |
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