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The question:
I’m a 33-year–old woman, and I am smitten with a man. The problem is, he told mutual friends a month ago that he wasn’t interested in a relationship – but we email, text and flirt almost daily. We have so much in common and I feel challenged. Am I an idiot to let this go on – or will he come around? The answer: Being smitten with a man and engaging in flirtation with him in no way makes you an idiot! It is all part of being human and being attracted to someone. I think the subtext of your question however is more along the lines of “am I thinking our flirtation means more than he thinks it does”. This of course is a valid (and protective) question to ask yourself as it can potentially save you from feeling disappointed or hurt down the road. I have one question for you – and be brutally honest when you answer it: what do you really expect from him and the relationship? You say you have much in common and you feel challenged. I’m certainly not disputing that you may have things in common; clearly there is some level of friendship and attraction that is leading to almost daily contact. But I wonder about your perception of feeling challenged by him. Ask yourself if you feeling challenged by him is simply an artifact of him being unavailable for a relationship. You indicate that he has made it clear that he is not interested in a relationship. His behaviour seems to be inconsistent with what he has said, so I can appreciate this may be confusing. Did he indicate to mutual friends he doesn’t want to be in a relationship at all? That he doesn’t want a relationship with you specifically? Rather than trying to play a guessing game about where he is currently at based on hearsay from others, you may want to simply ask him directly. You have frequent enough contact that you probably can safely interject this question at some point in your communications. Then, take what he says at face value. All too often women tend to hold onto beliefs or hopes that they can somehow change a man and make him want to settle down, even when the complete opposite has been verbalized. (Men do this as well – but in my experience women do this more frequently.) Feeling “smitten” with him and hoping he will “come around” makes me think that you are already starting to feel invested emotionally in the hope that things will develop into something more than they have. It’s okay to continue to email, text and flirt daily if you are able to do so while keeping yourself emotionally distant, and if you are okay with the relationship never developing into anything more than it currently is. But, if you are secretly hoping that somehow he will change, I would suggest you curb the amount of contact and invest energy into someone who is wanting to pursue an actual relationship. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. They have been married for six years and have a child. From what she’s told me about their relationship, it seems like all the signs are pointing to infidelity: things have gone downhill fast and there is no intimacy. She’s asked me what my thoughts are. I think she would be better off without him, but how can I tell her the truth about my feelings? I don’t want to lie. The answer: Keep your opinions to yourself. And if you feel tempted to do otherwise, rewind and repeat that mantra to yourself. Rarely, if ever, does any good come from providing candid opinions about others’ relationships – particularly when the stakes are high given that there is a marriage and a child involved. I understand that your opinion is being sought and that, as a friend, you want to be truthful. However, brutal honesty is not always the best policy. You can still be forthright without necessarily revealing the entirety of your thoughts – this is not being dishonest. You’re simply being a helpful friend by respecting both the relationship and acknowledging that ultimately your girlfriend has to arrive at a decision about what to do next. If any of us went through life fully verbalizing the “bubble above our head,” it’s likely most of our relationships would end. The main consideration here is that you both have a suspicion, but no hard facts about whether or not he is cheating. They are ultimately the only people who can come to a resolution about how their relationship should unfold. As a result, there is little to no value in sharing your opinions. Your role therefore is twofold: to provide her support and help guide her toward making the best decision for herself and their child. Listen to your friend’s concerns and ask her what is making her feel suspicious. Discuss with her the options she thinks she has – waiting and seeing how things transpire, starting a conversation with him, getting more information on her suspicions, etc. Let her know that you will support her however you can, but that you are not in her shoes and that it’s not your place to tell her what to do. There are only two circumstances in which providing your candid thoughts would make sense: if you had objective, first-hand evidence that he was cheating, or if it was the early stages of a new relationship where the potential risks of providing your blunt opinion were low. Meddling in a marriage on limited information does not fit within either one of those situations. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
Our son, who was an excellent student and athlete, suddenly dropped out of university and left his summer job in order to pursue a relationship with a woman. He says he is not interested in various possibilities, and that he needs to figure out what to do in life. What should we do? The answer: Watching a child of any age make decisions that you feel aren’t in their best interest is always difficult for a parent. It sounds as though you have understandable concerns that your son is giving up positive opportunities (education, athletics) that would help him build a stable future, in exchange for a relationship that may be temporary. As your son is in university I will assume that he is a young adult – this is important because your influence on your child’s life is dependent upon a number of factors, one of which is age. If he were underage, certainly your role and responsibility would be greater and a more assertive approach may be needed; conversely, if he were in his 30s or 40s, your role would (despite your best intentions or wishes) be quite different, and he likely would be less open to your opinion or advice. I would suggest having a heart-to-heart conversation with your son. Let him know that you want to speak with him about some things that he may not necessarily agree with, but that feel very important to you to bring up. Emphasize that you care for him, and that your only wish is that he have a stable and successful future. Tell him that first and foremost, it is important to you that your discussions do not create any conflict/divide in you and your wife’s relationship with him. Convey your concern and worry that he may be making decisions that, at least from your perspective, would ensure a good future. Let him know that you appreciate that he is trying to figure out what he wants to do in life. Also let him know that you understand that he cares for the woman he is with – this is very important as blaming or bad-mouthing her will only serve to further alienate him. Ask about, and genuinely try to understand his perspective and what has led to his decisions. (It may be that he has thought through his decisions well, even though you may have a hard time understanding or agreeing with them.) It sounds as though you feel his decision to abandon other pursuits is fully attributable to the woman he is with, but it may be that he was already considering making some changes, and that the relationship simply became a trigger. Remain supportive, and stay focused on keeping an open and respectful relationship with your son. At the end of the day, you need to trust his decision as he is an adult. Try to keep the channels of communication open, and let him know that you are always there to provide parental advice when or if he needs it. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I suppose this is a problem of old age, but I think constantly about my ex-husband, who has been dead for almost 40 years. Could this be from unresolved trauma? It was not a happy marriage. The answer: Regularly thinking about someone who was an important part of your life – good or bad – even years or decades after they have died is not unusual. Grief is a mysterious creature and the process can be so unpredictable, and so very individual. Thoughts of someone who has died tend to be more frequent and intense when the death was of someone particularly close (a partner, a child). The grieving process is protracted when the death is untimely, unexpected or particularly traumatic or tragic. Having unresolved or complicated emotions from the relationship while the person was alive can also play a role, as you have alluded. As a society, we are strangely ill-equipped to deal with death. I am often asked questions about how long it will take to “get over” a loss, or how one can deal with “unresolved issues” when it comes to their grieving. My experience – both personally in dealing with the death of my father, as well as professionally – is that we never really get over the death of someone that was an important part of our life. We simply learn to cope better over time. Whether your thoughts are a problem depends on a few factors. First, when you say “constantly,” what do you mean? I have many patients who will describe thinking on a daily basis about their deceased loved one. A fleeting thought on most days, even decades later, is not necessarily unusual. Consider the intensity of the emotions associated with thoughts of your ex-husband. Are they neutral thoughts that pop in and out of your head, and don’t interfere with your day-to-day activities? Or, do you find you get stuck in a ruminative state that causes a high degree of emotional stress? There is no magic formula for how long it takes to cope well after a death. But most people will find that it can take from a few months to a few years to get back to their usual mood and activities, and have thoughts of their loved one without breaking down or becoming overly emotional. Four decades later, you still sound disturbed by the quality or quantity of thoughts you are having about your ex-husband – so clearly something needs to change. Spend some time reflecting on what impact his death had. Do you feel that there were unsaid things that you want to communicate to him that you never did? Do you have anger or regret at yourself for not doing things differently, such as leaving the marriage earlier? Are there elements of self-blame or shame for decisions you did or didn’t make? Have you made efforts to move on in your life, or is your past relationship still affecting current-day decisions? Doing some soul-searching on the above can help you move forward. Start by writing down your thoughts in a journal; every time you get stuck on a thought, note what it is specifically that’s in your head, and what it means about your life now. This can be a very powerful exercise. If you find this doesn’t make things better, joining a grief support group or seeking the help of a therapist may be of benefit. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m curious about therapy, but not ready to commit to seeing someone on a regular basis. My aunt keeps encouraging me to read different self-help books. I assume it will be very difficult to follow through on all the advice in these books. Are they useful or a waste of my time? The answer: Fantastic question. You, like many people who have not tried therapy before, have some hesitations and apprehensions about making a regular commitment to undergoing treatment. This can be understandable if you have no reference point for what therapy may look like, if you have limited funds or coverage for treatment (this is unfortunately the biggest barrier for most people), or if you are not yet emotionally prepared to start to peel away the layers on some significant issue(s) in your life. Undertaking some self-directed work, with the aid of self-help books, can certainly be a great place to start. A plethora of self-help books exist on every topic under the sun. It can be overwhelming to know what to get given the range of books that are available. Start by doing your research. Look for recommendations from friends, read online reviews of books, and also look to reputable psychological/mental health websites that offer suggestions. If you visit my website and go to Individual/Employee Resources, you will see that I have listed a range of freely available and downloadable treatment materials that I have co-authored (on depression, coping with chronic health conditions, dealing with suicidality). I have also listed useful websites that offer other recommendations, as well as a list – by topic – of books and treatment manuals that I recommend. There are a few guidelines to follow as you are undertaking your search: find books that have been around for some time and that have solid reviews behind them; look for books authored by licensed professionals (where the author is described as being “registered” or “licensed” in their jurisdiction of practice) and look for words such as “evidence” or “research-based.” This will help ensure you are accessing high-quality resources. Certainly the level of benefit you obtain from self-help materials depends on a combination of the nature of your presenting issues, and the severity of those issues. Research supports the benefit of self-guided work (through self-help or self-management) of the common mental health conditions (depression and anxiety) when those issues are in the mild to moderate range of severity. As presenting issues move into more serious levels – for example, if you are experiencing a significant impact on your ability to fulfill your day-to-day obligations and tasks – then self-help materials are most helpful when they are augmented by the assistance of a health professional who helps you work through your difficulties. Also remember that you can meet a therapist once or twice to get further information without necessarily having to undertake an intensive course of treatment. In my practice, I see many high-functioning individuals who find a session every four to six weeks is enough to help keep them on track with other work they are doing independently in between our sessions. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
Lately I’ve been feeling uninterested in socializing. All I want to do is stay home and have netflix marathons. I’ve been feeling like this for about two months. Should I be worried I’m no longer wanting to spend time with friends and family – which I used to enjoy? The answer: All of us can benefit from the occasional TV binge. It can give us time to unwind from the day-to-day grind of our lives and give us an opportunity to recharge. However, if your tendency to avoid people has been going on for weeks or months on end, there may be cause for concern. Periods of feeling down or sad are common for all of us; most of the time when we feel this way, we aren’t depressed. Usually, mood changes will go away on their own within a few days or weeks, especially as stressors that commonly cause these mood changes start to resolve. For some people, mood issues may continue for weeks or longer. If you find that you have been feeling sad or down and have had little interest in things you normally enjoy, like spending time with friends, for an extended period, it’s possible you are struggling with an emotional problem like depression. Depression is one of the most common psychological health conditions and affects one out of four people over the course of their lifetime. Contrary to popular belief, depression doesn’t always mean feeling sad or tearful – for some people, a “depressed” mood may feel like irritability or frustration, and for others it may be associated with feeling “flat” or feeling “nothing.” Depression comes along with other problems that may include:
If you are feeling any of the above – particularly if you are having dark thoughts – you should speak to your family doctor or a psychologist or psychiatrist. There are very effective treatments for depression, including cognitive-behavioural therapy, interpersonal therapy and, for some people, medication therapy. With time and the right treatment, you can get better. You may be able to access free services through your local mental health agency (see www.cmha.ca for a Canadian Mental Health Association office near you). By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
It’s clear to our entire family that my adult sister has big emotional issues, but she won’t recognize this fact. How do I deal with her mood swings in a loving way, but also not promote further outbursts that seem to only be brought on for attention? The answer: Speaking to anyone who is in denial about their personal issues is difficult in the best of times. But the challenges become particularly amplified when a relationship with an immediate family member is potentially at stake. A sibling bond is unique and special in so many ways, given the shared experiences – after all, no one better understands parents and family issues better than someone who was raised in the same environment. Yet our sibling relationships are often the most complex as well, particularly when elements such as competition, jealousy or insecurity play a role. You care about your sister and want to be supportive, yet seem to be struggling with being available as a support for her, but also establishing boundaries for what behaviours of hers you will tolerate. The first thing you want to do is offer to provide support to your sister, if you haven’t already done this. (“I’m concerned about you, and want to help however I can.”) When communicating with her, ensure that she doesn’t feel ganged-up on by the family. Speaking to her one-on-one, without others there, is the most respectful way to approach this. Don’t be blaming or accusatory, and stick to the facts of what you observe, as well as the impact on you. (“I felt extremely hurt when you yelled at me last week for disagreeing with your opinion on what we should do for dinner.”) Ask her what you can do differently to help improve the relationship. Ask yourself what your contribution to her outbursts may be. When there is a long history of problematic behaviour in a relationship, friends and family members often, without even realizing it, react in sarcastic or passive-aggressive ways, given their understandably pent-up frustration. Be mindful of patterns that trigger her. Are there certain topics that push her buttons which you can simply avoid (say, talking about careers or relationships)? Identify your hard and fast boundaries in the relationship. For example, you may decide that you will no longer tolerate her yelling or using profanity in disagreements. Figure out what your response will be (for example, ending the visit). Verbalize what you are doing and why. (“I find myself getting very upset when you swear at me, and I’m choosing not to be around you if that’s how the conversation is going to go, so I am leaving.”) Then, consistently stick to this. Often, emotional outbursts get reinforced because the family doesn’t implement consequences to the behaviour. Your establishment of clear and consistent boundaries may serve as a catalyst for her to change. Finally, realize that the only actions you can control are those of your own. We are stuck with the family we have for the long haul, but remember that we can maintain love for them – without always having to like them. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I hate giving and receiving gifts. It seems so materialistic to me – but everyone around me seems to just love it at this time of year. Is there something wrong with me? How can I mentally get behind the idea of gift giving? The answer: Christmas has become an increasingly commercialized holiday: you are not alone in your feelings about gifts. I would challenge your perception that everyone around you seems to love it at this time of year – although many people outwardly may seem to love the holiday season and all the associated traditions. I think if you were to ask people, you’d be surprised at how many share your sentiments. The Christmas holiday itself is religious – but more broadly is viewed by even those with non-religious views as being a time of celebration, love, and giving. The gift component can take away from the true spirit and intent of Christmas, particularly when an emphasis is placed on what one “wants” and is “getting”. The reality is that the holiday season can also become a hugely taxing time of year from a financial perspective. Unfortunately, the focus on gift giving adds to the social pressure that many feel to “keep up with the Joneses”. The net effect is that individuals often get in real financial debt, which is one of the biggest reasons why the Christmas holidays (and the January aftermath) become the most stressful time of year for many. Instead of trying to accept something that is inconsistent with your beliefs, speak openly with your loved ones and others that you exchange gifts with about how you feel. I think you may be surprised at the reaction that you get. Do not be shy about expressing your underlying reasons, which stem from the values you hold. Indicate that you feel that the holiday season and gift-giving is becoming overly materialistic, and that you would like to think of adding some new traditions this year. Propose setting a monetary limit or gifts, or only giving hand-made gifts. Suggest keeping the gift giving for children only. Think about having a Secret Santa gift exchange (where everyone brings one gift, and each person receives only one). Or, propose adopting a family in need and providing gifts to that family. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m a guy who loves his girlfriend, but that doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to other women. I’m in my 20s and making good money. Is it a bad idea to sow my wild oats now, before I’m fully committed? The answer: Umm … the fact that you are asking whether you should “sow your wild oats” – with your financial situation being one of the highlighted reasons why – tells me you need to do some serious thinking about what you want at this point in your life, and what you want to do about your relationship. Out of fairness to your girlfriend, this is something you should figure out sooner rather than later. There’s no judgment here: How you approach dating, and whether you have regrets about not dating more people before becoming more committed, is something only you can answer. Some people can be immensely happy, fulfilled and have no regrets despite having only one partner in their life; others feel that the best thing they could have done was to get dating “out of their system” before they got married or started a family. Don’t become overly distressed just at being attracted to someone. I see many people in my patient practice that are in loving, committed relationships, and who remain faithful to their partners, but find themselves attracted to others. These feelings are a natural part of being human; they often pass and usually mean nothing. It’s not whether you are attracted to other people that’s a problem – it’s what you do based on the attraction. Ask yourself: Do you find yourself getting too caught up in the attraction? Do you start to fantasize about being with someone else on a regular basis? Do you have thoughts of wanting to cheat on your girlfriend? If so, these are strong signs that you are not ready to be settling down at this stage in your life.You say you love your girlfriend. Do you picture being with her long-term? Could you imagine yourself married to her, or having children with her? Does the thought of her in your foreseeable future create positive feelings (comfort, peace, security, happiness, joy)? Or do you find yourself feeling anxious or stifled when you imagine this? And finally, how do you feel when you think about ending the relationship with your girlfriend? How do you feel when you envision her dating someone else? Keep in mind that dating life may not be what you imagined it to be, that you’d need to have a clear break in your relationship in fairness to your girlfriend. Realize that she will likely move on and may not be there if you were to decide to go back to her. Ultimately you need to trust your gut feeling and go with what seems to be the right thing for you. If it is dating other people, end things with your girlfriend in a respectful way and move on. You’re better ending things now when you are still young, and before things get more serious. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
After being happily divorced for 35 years, I met a man my age (I’m 65) who is also divorced. We’ve been dating for almost 2 years now and I think I’m in love. The problem? He has a very good female friend that he’s known for decades. She’s also divorced and they have never been anything more than friends. Strangely, she has made it clear to him and to me that she hates the idea of me being in his life. She is very dependent on him to help her at home, which I don’t object to. But he does spend far too much time with her when he’s not helping with the chores. While I don’t suspect him of infidelity, I’m beginning to think he has more complex feelings for her than he’s let on. At this age, am I just being petty and suspicious? The answer: Our emotional reactions serve as a temperature gauge of how we feel about circumstances in our lives. When they’re positive, our emotions help validate that things are as we wish them to be; when negative or distressing, they give us a sign that something important to us is being threatened in some capacity. It’s important to pay attention to what you perceive to be potentially threatened, then (importantly) ask yourself: Is your reaction accurate and valid given the situation? Jealousy is one of the most toxic emotions we can experience. It often has a very intense, almost obsessive flavour to it. Feelings of jealousy are most commonly triggered when we have the perception that we will lose someone or something that we are strongly attached to. Anxiety, fear and insecurity are often associated emotions. It can be hard to shake jealousy, and once we are sucked into its vacuum, we tend to – often disproportionately – view behaviours of others as being evidence that supports our belief. You certainly aren’t being petty: Your emotions relate to a relationship in your life that is clearly an important one. Whether or not you are being suspicious depends on whether your interpretations (“She hates the idea of me being in his life,” or, “He has more complex feelings for her than he’s let on”) are accurate, or whether they are misinterpretations of an otherwise benign relationship. You need to have an open and honest conversation with your partner. Approach the conversation in a non-accusatory manner. If you jump into it already thinking he is guilty of something inappropriate, you will shut down the lines of communication quickly. Let him know that you trust him and don’t suspect he has been unfaithful. Ask him to describe his feelings for his friend (without making assumptions). Convey how you feel about the situation and listen. It may be that he has very little sense of how his relationship with his long-time friend has been affecting you. Ultimately, the two of you need to come to some agreements. You need to have respect for a friendship that has been in his life for decades before you entered it, and he needs to set some parameters with his female friend that demonstrate respect for you. For example, he can tell her that he is unwilling to tolerate any negative or disparaging comments about your relationship. Don’t forget that she has been in his life for a very long time. If he wanted a relationship with her, he likely would have long before you came into his life. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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