|
By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m finally back at work after taking most of the summer off – I took relaxing very literally. But now reality is setting in at the office and I’m completely unmotivated to do real work. How can I get myself back on track after such a long break? The answer: Ahh the joys of summer – sun, relaxation and reduced workload. My first reaction is envy. I want to know what you do for a living as I want that job that gives me the summer off! For all of us, getting back into the flow of regular life and work responsibilities after any extended break can be tough. As humans we are innately hedonistic and naturally gravitate toward things that feel pleasurable, enjoyable, and evoke a positive emotional state. We are also master acclimatizers. We physiologically and behaviourally adjust to whatever environment we are placed in. This is true for both relaxing situations or intense work situations. The changes can be subtle and happen without any conscious awareness. They are multi-factorial, impacting our general mood state and our levels of energy, attention and focus. And they often occur gradually. I find it can take me a few days into a vacation (or longer if I’ve been in a very intense work situation) to subjectively start to feel “zenned out”. I end up sleeping way more than is usual (or needed), maybe even napping. I definitely don’t feel as sharp mentally as I do when I’m in work mode. Depending on the length of your holiday, it may take from a few days to a few weeks to make the full transition out of vacation mode. Your lack of motivation is likely much more attributable to the lower energy level and reduced focus you had during your vacation than it is to anything else. I’m going to make the assumption that you are not independently wealthy and work out of necessity, choice, or both. It can be easy (especially on the heels of an extended vacation) to get stuck in the trap of ruminating on the reasons you have to work. Not only does this type of thinking do nothing to change the situation, but it breeds negative emotions. Shifting your focus to the choice elements can help you feel more engaged, more quickly. Remind yourself why you are doing the work that you do. Putting pen to paper can be useful. Ask yourself, why did you choose the job you are in? What do you love most about it? How does it contribute to your sense of meaning and purpose? How does your job allow you to achieve your personal and financial goals? And, perhaps most importantly, where and when is the next vacation your job is going to allow you to take? If you find the feeling of low motivation persists, it may be a sign that you need to think seriously about whether the job or career you are in is a good fit for you and is truly making you happy. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My father overworks himself because he was laid off a number of years ago and he hasn’t made as much money, or pension, since then. He feels like he needs to work six days a week, and take any overtime offered by his current job, to make as much money as he can before retiring in a few years. But I see how tired and quiet the long days are making him, and he is becoming a wreck behind the wheel, driving too slowly and missing familiar turns in traffic. How can I get him to recognize that his health is more important than work? The answer: It can be upsetting to watch your father overwork himself at an age when you would hope he has the luxury to slow down and relax in anticipation of enjoying his upcoming retirement years. It’s interesting how difficult it can be to cope with a transition in roles: as our parents get older, as children we end up inevitably being placed into the caretaking/protective roles our parents once served for us. There are two distinct issues – your father’s decision (albeit not necessarily by voluntary choice) to work an inordinate number of hours to plan for his future, and the possible safety risks posed to both himself and others on the road. It can be helpful to parcel these two issues out and address them separately. Confounding them will probably lead to frustration for both of you, and may place your father in a defensive position. Try to understand where your dad is coming from. It can feel awful to be in a position where you are uncertain about your future, particularly as we age. Your father is probably worried and anxious about the future, as well as frustrated or even anger at himself or his past circumstances. The reality is he may well need to be working the level he is to have a future that he once imagined. During a time when you are both feeling relaxed, start a conversation with your dad about his future. Talk generally about what his hopes and dreams are for retirement. This may help you get a picture of what he is working toward. Then gently inquire about whether the means he is currently adopting (i.e., hours worked) are necessary to achieve those goals. Offer to help him with his planning – you may suggest that he may find it helpful to sit down with a financial advisor who can help him map out his plans in more detail. Keep the conversation light and supportive, and be mindful that he probably will have a lot of pride around these issues. In a separate conversation, express your concerns about his health. Describe what you are seeing – be specific and objective (for example, have you directly observed his driving difficulties?). Tell him directly how you feel – that you are worried and want to see him as healthy as possible. Ask if there are things that you can do that may help. Offer to go to his family physician with him to talk about possible causes and contributions. It’s amazing how often parents – or any family member for that matter – will be more willing to heed the advice from a professional. If he is resistant, and you have concerns about his driving, you have an obligation to inform his family doctor. Consent issues do you not apply here – meaning that if you have some concern of risk, it is in your right to call his physician (the doctor cannot release any information back to you without your father’s consent). You can’t magically get your father to value his health more than work, but you can guide him toward possible solutions that improve his situation, and most importantly make it safe for him and others around him. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I just had a baby and despite support from my husband and family, I feel completely overwhelmed. My doctor says these “baby blues” are normal. Are they? The answer: Having a baby falls at the top of the list when it comes to major life stressors, and feeling completely overwhelmed after the birth of a baby is so very common. So rest assured that you are not alone in how you are feeling. Many women will feel low, down, sad or tearful after the birth of a baby. Up to three quarters of women will experience these “baby blues” that typically last a few days to a few weeks. This is a very normal response to a significant life change which does resolve over time. This can feel highly confusing and upsetting to moms, though, as feeling low seems to be so at odds with the joy and happiness that one expects should be associated with having a baby. The baby blues are attributable to a number of factors. First, there are significant hormonal changes that occur in the days following delivery (progesterone levels decrease significantly to allow milk production to begin). There is an adrenaline crash following birth. This, combined with sleep deprivation very understandably leads to changes in mood. In addition, the reality of having a baby and having full responsibility for another life can feel overwhelming and anxiety provoking. But these are very normal feelings and they will resolve. Speak to your nurse, midwife or family doctor. Attend a parenting group where you can get the support of other new moms, or speak to a trusted friend or family member that already has had a child. The majority of women will start to find their mood improves within a few days or weeks, as they start to get more sleep and as hormonal changes start to regulate. About 10 per cent of women, however, will go on to develop post-partum depression, which refers to clinical levels of depression following the birth of a baby. If you are experiencing pervasive sadness or loss of interest in your usual activities for more than a month after your baby’s birth, more often than not, and this is also associated with changes in your appetite, recurrent crying episodes, and anxiety or irritability, seek help. Speak to a health professional such as your nurse, midwife, or family doctor. A referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist may help. There are a number of risk factors that can increase the likelihood of post-partum depression: a family history of depression; your own previous history of depression; and lack of social supports. If at any point you consider harming yourself or your baby, seek immediate help by calling 911. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. The question:
Lately my sleep has been terrible. Sometimes I have trouble falling asleep, and other times I wake up around 4 AM and can’t get back to sleep. What’s going on? The answer: First of all, you’re not the only one struggling with this. Up to one-third of the population has chronic sleep problems, which can include trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, and waking up too early. Here are some tips to help you get a better night’s rest: Schedule “worry time” Worries – about work, relationships, finances – can contribute to difficulty falling asleep, or can wake you up in the middle night. Unfortunately, just trying to force yourself to “stop thinking” does not work very well. It can be helpful to schedule a dedicated time to worry, 15 to 20 minutes, one to two hours before getting into bed. Find a quiet space, out of your bedroom. During your “worry time,” write down all the worries you have that day. Ask yourself “What can I do about this now?” Take a solution-focused approach. If there is something to be done immediately, do it. If not, schedule a time for the next day or later in the week. Set a regular schedule It’s more important to establish a fixed wake-up time than a regular bedtime. We can control what time we wake up, but we can’t make ourselves fall asleep. If you are having sleep problems, eliminate daytime naps as these decrease the restorative value – or quality – of your sleep at night. Reduce sleep-interfering activities In the several hours before bedtime, you should reduce (and ideally eliminate) caffeine, alcohol and tobacco use, and avoid strenuous exercise. Use your bed for two activities only – sleep and sex (no watching TV or working on your laptop in bed!). Make your bedroom sleep-inducing Create a pleasant environment for sleep. Get a comfortable pillow. Use blinds or heavy curtains to create a dark room. Turn off phone ringers. Make “going to bed” a soothing experience Set a pre-sleep routine that you follow each night, as this signals to your brain and body that it’s time to quiet down. This may include some form of meditation or relaxation, a warm bath or herbal tea. Get yourself ready for the next day, dim the lights and then mentally “put away” any ongoing problems or upcoming tasks. Get out of bed if you can’t sleep. Don’t get into bed unless you are sleepy. If you have trouble falling asleep within about 20 minutes (or wake and can not go back to sleep) stay out of bed until you feel sleepy. Remember, don’t do anything stimulating when you get out of bed. Challenge worries about sleep You may be kept awake by worries about not being able to sleep, or about the effect of a poor night’s sleep. Move your clock out of sight so that you are not “clock-watching.” Remind yourself that you can make it through a day even if you have had little sleep. It can be tempting to rely on medications (prescription or over-the-counter) for sleep but these are a short-term solution only and guidelines do not recommend their use for longer than one to two weeks at most. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My friend just had her first baby. I told her to call if she needs anything, but we haven’t been in touch much lately. Should I keep approaching her in case she really does need help, or give her some space and trust she’ll contact me when the time is right? I don’t have children, so I’m not really sure what to do. The answer: As the only childless friend among a group of women who have all had their first rugrats pop out over the last year, I get the feeling of helplessness that comes along with not knowing quite what to do. My simple answer: Ask her what she needs from you. Having a baby – particularly the first one – is a huge life transition. It can feel overwhelming, and it often takes months for first-time moms to adjust to their new life and schedule. Adjusting to her newfound role of being completely responsible for another person’s life is a huge transition. Learning all the intricacies associated with parenthood, not to mention the inevitable challenges of feedings and multiple diaper and outfit changes, can fill the days in a way that most moms never expect or predict. All of this is compounded by a level of sleep deprivation that most women haven’t before experienced. If your friend is like most moms, a combination of all of the above is likely responsible for the reduced contact you have had from her. I confess, I never fully appreciated the demands until I saw some of my own (highly competent, high-functioning, multitasking) friends repeatedly describe how they have no idea where the days go the first few months after giving birth. I had to tell myself the reduced contact was not at all personal, and instead a side effect of them being thrown into a 24/7 job that comes with no orientation manual! The first month post-birth is particularly challenging. Most moms will experience the “baby blues” which, in addition to low mood, can include a feeling of emptiness or flatness. Withdrawal from others is a natural response within these early days and weeks. On a positive note, the overwhelming majority of mothers will find their mood improves within the first month, once the myriad hormonal changes that occur postpartum stabilize. If she’s like many new moms, she may not even have a sense of the infrequency of your contact. (Think of times when you have been extremely busy or preoccupied with something that takes most of your attention, and how you lose sense of how fast time has gone). Strike a balance between maintaining regular contact with her (so that she knows you are there for her) with letting her have space to adjust and grow. In our current day and age, e-mailing and texting is a great way to stay in regular contact. In your communication with her, try to not add to her present burden. Instead, validate how challenging things may be feeling (“Thinking of you, let me know if there’s anything I can do”). If you have any reason to suspect that she is significantly struggling with persistently low or depressed mood, reach out to her more strongly than you may otherwise (about 1 in 10 women will develop clinically significant levels of depression). Social support is tremendously important and serves as one of the best buffers against chronic mood issues. Let her know you are concerned about her and want to help. If you have significant concern, speak to her partner or a family member that can help. If there is ever any concern about her risk to herself or to her baby, immediately call 911. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I think I’m honestly addicted to my Smartphone. Why do I check my work email all the time – even when I’m out with friends? How can I stop? The answer: What a great question! I’m happy to give you some tips. Just give me a minute – a few urgent texts just popped up. Sorry, where were we?! Being continuously distracted by emails, text messages and calls seems to be an unfortunate reality for many of us. There is no question that the changing nature of work – and advances in technology – have had a tremendous impact on our personal lives. The first step is becoming aware of the problem, which you are. Unless we have some recognition of a problem even existing, we can’t change. Before you start to make any dramatic changes, think about why this is bothering you. Articulate your personal reasons for wanting to change, and the consequences of not changing. Write down a list of pros and cons of constantly checking your work emails. How is this affecting your relationships and stress levels? Articulating the negative impacts on your life can help make you feel more committed to changing and can provide you with clear reasons that may serve an important motivating role for you Think about the positives that come along with checking work emails, as you say, “all the time”. Do you find you are actually saving time? Are you receiving positive reinforcement from those you work with and for? The reality is that at some level, off-hours checking of your smart phone probably has some positive benefits. Thinking about the pros can help guide you toward creative solutions. For example, if your daytime workload is lessened by responding to emails during off-hours times, you may find that waking up an hour early to spend dedicated time dealing with emails before the workday begins is much more preferable than having several hours of personal time being intermittently disrupted by work. Here are some additional tips that can help: 1. Speak to your manager or supervisor and negotiate appropriate guidelines for email checking and response times. Remember – very few of us are in professions where immediate responses to emails are required, and often our usage of work emails is driven more by our own expectations and habits than it is by extrinsic expectations put on us. 2. Establish very clear parameters for acceptable email usage – and leverage the support of family and friends to call you on times you are becoming unduly preoccupied with work emails during personal time. 3. Set your smart phone so that email alerts are on silent during off-work hours. Or, better yet, leave your smart phone at home or out of sight when it is personal/social time! Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My friend treats her dog more like a child than a pet. When I invite her over, she’s always angling to bring the dog along. I don’t always want it around, and she doesn’t stay behind to clean up the dog hair – how do I say no? The answer: There are three distinct issues that you are raising: your friend’s attachment to her dog, the nature and quality of the time the two of you spend together, and the respect she demonstrates to your home when she does bring her dog. These issues need to be separated and addressed individually. It may be that your frustration is compounded because you are considering all of these issues as one. The first relates to your friend’s relationship with her pet. You say that she treats the dog more like a child than a pet. Many pet owners feel extremely strong bonds with their pets, and people who don’t have pets, or those with less intense bonds, often have a hard time understanding this. Your friend may feel that her dog has been unconditionally there for her during difficult times, and provides her with unwavering affection and support. You may not agree or understand where your friend is coming from, but, frankly, the depth of her relationship with her pet is not your concern. Second, you raise the issue of your friend always wanting to bring her dog when she visits. This is not dissimilar to a situation in which a friend is always wanting visits to include her partner or child. I would guess that your concern here relates much more to your desire to have one-to-one quality time with your friend, uninterrupted by attention that likely becomes somewhat divided when her dog is there. A general rule when wanting something to be different in a relationship is to express to others what you do want, rather than what you don’t want. So, rather than letting saying you don’t always want her dog around, let her know what you are missing. Be specific in your request. You could say to her something like: “I really miss our one-to-one time together … I know you love [dog’s name], but I sometimes feel like we can’t hang out the way we used to when [he/she] is around because, understandably, [he/she] needs your attention too. Would it be okay if we sometimes hung out without [him/her]?” The final issue you raise relates to the respect that is demonstrated in your home when she does bring her dog. First, you must decide if you don’t ever want her dog in your home. If so, suggest meeting at her place or at an outside, neutral location when visits include her dog. If you are okay with her bringing her dog some of the time, then you need to directly yet respectfully address this issue as soon as possible. The next time you plan a visit with your friend and she is coming over with her dog, say something like: “I’m really looking forward to seeing you on Saturday. I was just meaning to mention that the last time you were here I noticed that there was a bunch of dog hair everywhere after you left. I’m happy to have you both over but would love if you could just stay to clean up the hair after.” There is no need to apologize. You will probably feel better after you directly address these issues with your friend. Be friendly and respectful in your language and tone, and remain open to the fact that she may not be aware of the impact that her behaviour has had. Then give her a chance to change her behaviour. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The answer:
May-December relationships can certainly work, but they are not without their challenges. Relationships, even in the best of circumstances, are difficult. And a significant age discrepancy amplifies a number of issues. Some of the more common difficulties that arise with large age gaps include: differences in hobbies, interests and social activities; a lack of things in common with a partner’s friends; having vastly different financial or career position, focus and drive; discrepancies in energy, including sex drive; health issues; and generational differences in life view and direction. One of the biggest potential areas of discord in couples that are decades apart in age is how they see their future, including having kids. The only thing you can do is have a very open and honest conversation with the woman you are dating. It sounds like she is viewing your relationship as committed, or at least hoping it goes a direction that is even more committed than it may be now. It is unfair for you to mislead her. If you are very clear that you do not want or foresee wanting children, you need to let her know in no uncertain terms. This may not be an easy conversation, and the reality is that it may be a deal breaker in terms of things moving forward for the two of you. You need to honestly ask yourself whether having children is something that you might change your mind about if you were with someone you loved who envisions having kids. But remember that rarely are we able to be happy in the long term if we compromise on something that is a substantive issue, such as expanding our family to include children. The best you can do is talk to your girlfriend about how you really feel. Let her know that you are into her, that you know she wants children but be candid about the fact that you do not want them and it is not something you will change your mind about (if that is in fact the case). She needs to go into the relationship with eyes wide open and make a decision whether continuing to invest her time and energy is worth it. Similarly, you need to decide whether being with someone who wants dramatically different things in life than you do will work for you. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I manage a team of about 10. One member of the team likes to dominate the conversation during meetings to the point that I can’t hear what others have to say. I suspect this person is insecure in some way. Do you have any tips on how I can get them to quiet down but not discourage them in the process? The answer: Being a manager or a leader can be a challenging role in the best of times. Concurrently managing team/group dynamics can be even more difficult, particularly when there is an individual who demonstrates behaviour that is disruptive to the rest of the team. It is important to identify and curb this behaviour early on, to avoid having other members of the team get frustrated, discouraged or disengaged. Although it may be tempting to wait to see if this person’s behaviour naturally changes over time, chances are it won’t – and it is important for you to have the conversation sooner rather than later. Here are some tips on how to approach the conversation with this team member:
Also, it is important to always keep some notes documenting any performance meeting. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. The question:
I count every calorie that I consume. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that – I just don’t ever want to be overweight. My parents/friends think it’s unhealthy and could lead to an eating disorder. What’s your stance? The answer: Issues around shape, weight and eating behaviours exist on a continuum. On one end, people may be completely unconcerned about their shape or weight, and eat with little concern or worry for what they are eating or how many calories they are consuming. On the other extreme, individuals may meet criteria for a bona fide eating disorder. The two most common types of eating disorders are: – Anorexia nervosa, which has the hallmark features of lower than average body weight (lower than 85 per cent of expected body weight) and an intense fear of weight gain. There is often significant restriction of food intake and excessive exercise. Misuse of laxatives, diuretics or enemas may occur. There may occasionally be elements of binge-eating or purging. – Bulimia nervosa, which has the hallmark features of recurrent binge-eating behaviours (i.e., eating a markedly high quantity of food during discrete periods of time, with an associated lack of control during the binge) as well as purging behaviours to prevent weight gain (e.g., self-induced vomiting, fasting, excessive exercise, or use of diuretics, laxatives or enemas). Calorie counting can be a feature of both of these types of eating disorders, but is often more characteristic of anorexia. In my opinion, excessive focus on calorie counting could certainly be a possible (but not necessary) precursor to more significant problems. That being said, being mindful of what you are eating, staying within recommended health guidelines for caloric intake, and wanting to maintain a healthy body weight are all positive health behaviours. There are a few things that I would wonder about: first, you say that you count “every calorie” that you consume. This sounds a bit worrisome if only for the rigidity around it. If you were forced to not count every calorie (but rather just approximate intake) would this create distress? Could you, rather than focusing on calorie counting, simply focus on ensuring that you are eating in moderation and eating healthy foods? Perhaps allow a change in your weight (e.g., more than a 5 pound gain) to serve as an indicator that you may need to slightly modify your eating behaviours (rather than excessively focusing on every calorie)? If any of these things sound difficult to do, I would wonder if there is perhaps an over-focus on calories, and if shape/weight plays a more significant role for you beyond just a normal, healthy focus on weight. I also wonder what leads your friends and family to be concerned: are there indications of other behaviours (extreme fluctuations in weight, emotional distress, over focus on food, shape or weight, excessive exercise, etc.) that they are concerned about? If the answer is yes I would suggest you think about at least having an initial consultation with a trained mental health professional with expertise in eating disorders that could help you to identify whether there is anything to be concerned about. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
PH&S ClinicEnhancing psychological health, wellness and resilience Archives
August 2024
Mental Health
All
|
RSS Feed
