The question:
My son recently moved back home into the basement – with his girlfriend. I want him to be on his own two feet, but my spouse won’t take a stand. What should I do? The answer: You were a walking zombie during the sleepless, colicky nights. With some creative disaster-proofing, you made it through the terrible twos. And you are still stunned that you survived the hormonal teen years without committing a felony offense. So, haven’t you paid your dues now that you have an adult child? If you are like most parents of a 20-something, the answer should be yes, but unfortunately these days, it may also be no. The 2021 Canadian census tell us that the percentage of young adults (ages 20 to 34) who continue to reside with their parents is significantly higher than 25 years ago and sits at around 35 per cent. This is no surprise when we think of the range of societal changes and financial pressures that we’ve become familiar with over the last few decades. There is nothing unequivocally wrong with your son residing with you, and it can be a helpful interim situation that actually helps your son, so long as the boundaries and parameters are clearly outlined. But, I’m assuming from your question that the issues are not as clear-cut and that there are compelling reasons you feel this is not a helpful arrangement. Bigger than even the issue of where and how long your son and his girlfriend reside with you is the difference of opinions between you and your spouse. This is the most important issue that you need to address. The two of you must take a united parental stand. Children, regardless of age, are extremely adept at identifying differences in opinions between parents, and they either intentionally or inadvertently exploit those differences in their favour. You need to start by having a candid discussion with your husband. Pick a time when the two of you are not stressed, are getting along well, have dedicated time to talk and are free of other distractions. Tell him there is something important you want to speak about. Acknowledge you have different opinions, but want to arrive at an outcome that satisfies both of you. Ask him to hear you out fully without commenting, and let him know you will offer him the same courtesy. Then present your position. Give specific reasons why you feel your son moving back home is not a good idea, and why you feel it doesn’t help him in the long-term. Whenever possible, use words and language that convey to him that you ultimately have the same goals in mind. (“I know we both want him to be independent and to be able to succeed on his own.”) Chances are, from a fundamental values perspective, you and your spouse are more likely to be on the same page than not. Then ask your husband for his perspective and thoughts. Listen to him, without interrupting. Try to arrive at a compromise that both of you are comfortable with. Perhaps you each give a little; for example, you could work toward a time-limited situation where your son stays with you, but stipulate there be a six- to 12-month plan where he works toward being on his own. Regardless of how long your son stays, it is integral to the plan that you set parameters that create a motivation for him to move out. It is reasonable and fair for you to expect him and his girlfriend to pay rent (perhaps it is a reduced rent, but ensure you are asking him to contribute in some way); contribute to household bills; be responsible for household chores; and respect certain household rules that you may have (no smoking and no loud parties, for example). Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I think it’s time for my 80-year-old mother to go into a nursing home in the next year or two. She is still healthy but not as strong as she once was. How can I broach this subject with her and prepare her? The answer: Speaking to a parent about transitioning to a nursing home can be one of the most difficult conversations you may have. It may be emotional on a number of levels for both you and your mother. But having conversations about this well in advance is one of the best things you can do, to give everyone time to mentally prepare for the upcoming changes. Before broaching this subject with your mother, you may want to spend some time thinking about what you want to say, what options there are, what timelines might make sense, and who else that is close to you and your mother could possibly get involved in the discussion (e.g., your father if he is in the picture, siblings, an aunt or an uncle). Use your judgment on who best to involve. You want to remain sensitive to not having your mother feel she is being “ganged-up” on by having too many people present, but there can be value in considering having someone else present that is close to her, and who she feels also has her best interests at heart. Let your mother know in advance you’d like to set some uninterrupted time to speak with her about some concerns you have about her health and/or living situation. This can help to make her feel like she is not being taken off guard. Try to identify an optimal time (e.g., when she is feeling relatively well physically, in a comfortable environment such as her own home, during a time of day when her energy level is reasonably high). Keep in mind that you may need a number of repeat conversations over time to get to a workable solution. Start the first conversation by genuinely letting her know how you feel. Express that you love her, that this is a hard conversation for you to have, and that you are only speaking to her out of concern for her for health and well-being. Describe the concerns you have about her health. Try to be as specific and objective as possible. Let her know you can imagine how difficult it may be for her to start to think about moving to a supported living environment. Take the time to ask her how she feels and what is important to her. Appreciate that she may get upset, defensive or sad – this is all part of the process of making such a significant change in living status. Listen to her concerns. Remain gentle and empathetic in your tone. Try to understand her concerns and perspective, and to the extent possible and reasonable involve her in all important decisions. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My daughter hates that I’m dating. She’s 32; I’m 65. Her dad has never been in the picture, but now that I’ve found a serious relationship, she’s having real trouble accepting another person having my attention. What can I do? The answer: Kids – even when they’re adults – can have trouble accepting a new partner in a parent’s life. When a parent has gone through a divorce or been widowed, a child may have difficulty accepting a new relationship. A range of emotions can surface for a child even when the new relationship is not replacing the role of another parent, like in your situation. I’m assuming that this is one of the first significant relationships. Your daughter has gotten used to your undivided attention (and more importantly your undivided affection), and that she is struggling with accepting an actual (or perceived) shift in the relationship she has with you. This may feel difficult and hurtful to you, as it may come across as though she is unhappy to see you happy. I suspect this may be bringing up some mixed feelings for you. You likely feel guilty – which is normal. Have an open discussion with her: Let her know what you have observed and your feelings about the situation. Don’t assume that her feelings relate to her difficulty accepting that another person has your attention – she may be feeling confused, sad, or fear that the relationship between you and her will change. She may be feeling protective toward you and wanting to ensure you don’t get hurt. Check-in with her on her feelings and thoughts about the situation, as they may surprise you. Speak to her about how you feel about your partner, and the positives added to your life by being in this relationship so that she better understands your perspective. Reassure your daughter that your partner will not in any way take the place of your relationship with her. You may need to identify ways that you and she can continue to spend individual time together nurturing your relationship. Ask her for ideas on what she would like to see. I suspect that your daughter is simply going to need some time to adjust to a “new normal.” Maintain open lines of communication with her, but at the same time stay firm and do not allow her feelings to dissuade you or contribute to you feeling guilty about fulfilling an important part of your life. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
The woman I love is a hoarder. She refuses to even talk about it – we always spend time together at my house and go out, but just bringing up the subject is too much for her. Do I have to leave this relationship? The answer: First, understand what hoarding means, as many people use this term loosely. Someone who is a true hoarder engages in pathological or compulsive behaviours where they acquire or collect a large number of items that seem to have little or no value to others (e.g., clothes, newspapers, flyers), and have significant difficulty discarding these items. They will often continue to acquire items despite having significant clutter in their living space, which may be both unsanitary and pose safety risks. They also experience ongoing impairment with respect to their social and/or occupational function. Most hoarders are what are called “object” hoarders (collecting inanimate objects), and a smaller portion are animal hoarders (collecting a range of animals, most commonly cats). Individuals who engage in hoarding often meet criteria for one or more psychological/psychiatric diagnoses. The most common conditions are obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression. Hoarders are also more likely than the general population to have experienced abuse or neglect in childhood. Individuals who hoard can be extremely resistant to acknowledging their difficulties and seeking help – due to a combination of factors, including significant anxiety when thinking of letting go of or discarding the objects of their hoarding, as well as associated shame and guilt. Although there are effective treatments, these are often very intensive and are multimodal, requiring a combination of psychological therapy, medication therapy, and community supports/assistance. Hoarders often need the unconditional support of their family or close friends as well to be able to make and sustain changes. To an outsider, hoarding behaviour can be highly puzzling and complex to understand. Loved ones often struggle with how to approach this. Giving an ultimatum or telling the hoarder to simply discard the objects is not effective, nor is trying to convince them about the problems the hoarding is causing. Start by telling your girlfriend how much you care about her. Indicate that you are concerned about her and that you appreciate how difficult it may be for her to even talk about her difficulties with hoarding. Ask her what you could do that could help facilitate the process. Indicate that her difficulties are impacting you and your relationship and that you jointly need to find an effective way to communicate about this as a starting point. Assure her that you are not going to ask her or force her to do anything that she is not comfortable with, as ultimately that is her decision. The question about whether you stay or leave is one that you ultimately have to decide over time based on how your discussions with her go. Loving someone involves unconditionally accepting their strengths and their weaknesses, but you need to know the elements of your relationship you can accept and live with for the long term. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I have an unexplained fear of flying. I’ve never been on a plane – never want to – but now my daughter moved to the States, and I would love to go visit without driving for 10 hours. How can I get over it – or can I? The answer: A fear of flying is one of the most common phobias. By definition, a phobia is an irrational fear of a thing, place or situation that is out of proportion to the actual danger posed. Although phobias sometimes begin following a fear-inducing situation (such as experiencing a very turbulent flight, for example), often people have no recollection of why or how their fear was created. And, not uncommonly, phobias can develop even when a person has never had an experience related to that which they are fearing, such as in your situation. Anxiety disorders – and phobias in particular – are highly treatable. The most effective treatment for phobias is cognitive behavioural therapy, which involves two key elements: 1) challenging the irrational, fear-inducing thoughts associated with the feared stimulus and 2) behavioural strategies involving an approach called “systematic desensitization”. Very simply, phobias persist if we continue to (without any persuasive evidence) think that a particular stimulus is fear-inducing. There are two common faulty patterns of thinking that individuals engage in that feed a phobia: probability overestimation and catastrophic thinking. Individuals consistently overestimate the probability of the worst negative outcome occurring. For example, you likely (without knowing it) are overestimating the likelihood that, for example, the worst imagined outcome of a plane crashing would occur. Obtain accurate statistics on imagined worst case outcomes. Then, be aware of the automatic phobic thoughts you are having, and replace them with more accurate thoughts. So, if you have the thought “So many things could go wrong; the plane might crash and I could die”, replace it with the more accurate and valid thought “Although plane crashes can occur, they are very rare. The likelihood of a plane crashing is extremely low, much lower than me dying driving my car, and I don’t avoid that”. Individuals also tend to engage in catastrophic, exaggerated thoughts about outcomes. Instead of thinking things like “I could never, ever get on a plane – it would absolutely terrify me and I would lose it”, trying replacing the thought with something more accurate like “Although it may feel extremely difficult I – like tens of thousands of people a day – could get on a plane. I may feel extremely anxious but I would be able to eventually get through it. With practice and time it will get easier”. There is an important behavioural component to overcoming phobias. Systematic desensitization involves two components: learning relaxation strategies and implementing them as one gradually exposes themselves to the source of their phobia. So in your case: thinking about flying, then watching a plane on TV, talking about you on a plane, going to an airport, etc. You systematically expose yourself to situations that elicit more and more fear while using relaxation strategies throughout. Working with a psychologist who specializes in cognitive-behavioural therapy for anxiety disorders/phobias can be tremendously helpful, and there is good evidence that significant benefit will be obtained following 8-16 sessions of treatment. So – yes, with some dedicated effort you will be able to get over your fear. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I have a hard time meeting new people. Everyone else seems so outgoing, posting personal items on Facebook and chatting up strangers in bars. How do get myself out there and noticed? The answer: Meeting new people can be a challenge at the best of times, and it just gets harder with age. Be mindful, however, that your perceptions of the ease with which other people meet is likely a bit skewed. It’s a hard thing for many people. Consider your reference points, as what we find difficult can feel even more challenging if we (mis)perceive them to be easy for others. Facebook and other social media sites are, in many respects, an artificial form of communication. There are certainly many positives that come with these sites, such as staying in touch with friends and sharing photos. Unfortunately, new technologies are leading to societal shifts in which people tend to engage in less direct communication (face-to-face or phone) and more indirect, ostensibly distant communication (online messaging, texting). This can lead to a false sense of connection with others. Interestingly, recent research has found an inverse correlation between the number of Facebook “friends” adolescents had and the number of actual close relationships they reported having. So what you see on Facebook is not necessarily an accurate reflection of how social or outgoing someone is. Similarly, bars are not the best place to judge how confident others seem to be, as interactions there are often enhanced by the presence of alcohol. I’m not sure what wanting to get “out there and noticed” means. Do you want to meet more acquaintances or friends? Do you want to meet people you can go to social events and activities with? Do you want to meet potential dating partners? Articulate and write down specifically what you want. Then determine ways to achieve your end goal. For example, if your goal is “having a running partner”, your list of actions may include “join a running club” or “strike up a conversation with runners I see frequently at the local track”. Identify the barriers that you have in talking to others. Do you feel insecure? Do you get shy and clam up? Do you have difficulty knowing how and when to start a conversation? If shyness or anxiety plays a role, I would suggest getting The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook: Proven, Step-by-Step Techniques for Overcoming Your Fears by Martin Antony and Richard Swinson, which is an excellent, evidence-based workbook with strategies to manage social anxiety. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I love my boyfriend very much, he is warm, loving and giving. However, when I imagine my life five years from now I have a hard time seeing him in it. We come from different academic backgrounds – I have a B.A. and a college certificate, he never finished college. I want to get married and have kids, and while he says he wants to, he only very recently starting saving. Sometimes I feel I’m being snobbish or not giving him enough time to change. After a three-year relationship, I don’t know whether to wait this out or to leave. This has consumed my thoughts for four months and is making me so anxious I almost have panic attacks. What should I do? The answer: The amount of distress you are feeling about whether or not to continue your relationship – and the fact that you are even questioning whether you see him in your future – is the biggest sign you have about what to do next. Fleeting doubts and questions about long-term compatibility are very normal and come and go even in long-term, solid relationships. Pervasive and significant doubts that last months or longer are not. Often, our emotional reactions provide us with useful information about our circumstances, even before we can verbally articulate what those reasons are. You are likely reacting to a number of factors, and you know at a gut level that the relationship, for a range of reasons, is not the best fit for you. You need to trust this reaction. All too often we go through life ignoring our intuition – despite the fact that it often tells us what we need to know. Think about the significant decisions in your life so far, with a particular focus on regrets you have or mistakes you made. Likely, your intuition almost always gave you a sign as to what to do, but you ignored it. There are clearly a number of very positive attributes about your boyfriend that you admire. However, the reality of long-term relationship success is that there often needs to be compatibility at a number of levels such as personality, interests, and finances. Are these differences that the two of you could potentially work through? Yes, of course. However, forcing the issue and trying to work hard at accepting fundamental differences between the two of you isn’t necessarily the best way to move forward given the extent of doubts you already have. You are clearly torn about what to do, and not yet ready to let go. Given this, the next step for you – both for peace of mind, and to do justice to the three years you have spent together – is to have some candid conversations. You will need to balance being respectful with being straightforward – for example, rather than specifically outlining the differences in education (which may feel very hurtful to him) you may say that you worry your personalities and career interests are very different. These conversations will likely be heart-wrenching, but it is what you need to do. Keep in mind that it is possible to have love for another person without being in love with them and spending your life together. And, it will be much less painful to end the relationship now, rather than down the road if you were married and/or had children. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
New Year’s always makes me anxious. All this talk of resolutions, starting fresh and getting everything done – why? Between problems with my marriage, children and work, I know I have a lot to figure out – but New Year’s just gives everyone I know a chance to ask insensitive questions about how am I going to change things in the next 365 days. How do I make it stop? The answer: Any time we have a strong emotional reaction to a situation, we should ask ourselves two key questions: Is my reaction accurate, realistic or appropriate given the situation? And if the intensity of the reaction seems mismatched to the situation, what is it that I am truly reacting to? The tradition of making New Year’s resolutions is a common one across the world. The new year, for many people across cultures and societies, represents a new start and new beginning. Virtually all people have rituals and traditions to celebrate the onset of a new year. So why has the tradition of resolutions been adopted and why has it stuck in so many parts of the world? What resolutions provide are an opportunity to reflect on the past and think about improvements one wants to make to their life. They symbolize a commitment to achieve personal goals, complete projects or break bad habits. Time and time again, the most common resolutions relate to diet, weight, smoking or substance use. Are resolutions themselves indicative of anything? If you look at the statistics, the answer is no. I came across one study that indicated 94 per cent of people forget what their resolution is by July! So why do people continue to make them? I think it really comes down to a light and fun tradition that ultimately reflects our wishes and hopes for positive future changes. I believe that all of us are fundamentally works in progress, and an important part of our personal journey involves identifying – and makes changes to – areas of our lives we are less than satisfied with. Your reaction, however, seems to represent something starkly different from a light, fun way to reflect on change. You indicate you have problems in important parts of your life, that you have a lot to figure out. Your perception of insensitivity seems to be a projection of the dissatisfaction you have with your life more than anything else. I would encourage you to spend some time thinking about why you are having such an intense reaction. It sounds like you are frustrated with life situations you may feel you have little to no control over. Ask yourself what changes you may want to make in your life, and what your perceived barriers are to making those changes. Maybe you aren’t in a position where you are able or wanting to make the changes you need, which is a perfectly acceptable. However, your dissatisfaction has very little to do with the question-askers. The answer to your question of how to make it stop is a simple one: You can’t stop others’ questions. Period. You can, however, abort the conversation with a simple, lightly delivered line: “I don’t believe in making New Year’s resolutions. What are yours?” Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m dreading seeing certain members of my family over the holidays. I wish I enjoyed spending time with them more but I end up feeling tense and uncomfortable. How can I make the best of it? The answer: You are not alone: The holidays are one of the most stressful times of the year for many people. Most of us are trying to do too much in too little time at this time of year. December and January are months where we incur the highest amounts of debt. The dark and dreary days negatively impact mood for many people and can compound existing stressors. Add to the mix the fact this is one of the only times of year that we are thrown together with our relatives – whether we like them are not – and you have a perfect recipe for stress! There are a number of things you can do to make the holidays go more smoothly:
Finally, try to find what humour you can in your family situation. Remind yourself that the season will soon be over, and you will get through it like you do every year. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My 12-year-old still believes in Santa. It’s embarrassing, but he’s still so hopeful and it’s endearing. I feel responsible. How do I tell him without crushing his spirit? The answer: The short answer? Tell him the truth. The longer answer is that, for me, one of the most amazing things about children is the innocence and enthusiasm of their beliefs. Parents can feel heartbroken, shattering these beliefs with the reality of life – particularly when they have such awe about the wonders of the world. However, this is a part of raising a child and preparing them for the real world. Remember that children can be cruel, and given that he is of an age where the majority of kids know and accept that Santa does not exist – let him know sooner rather than later so that he is not unnecessarily teased. Keep in mind that our modern day Santa has several core roots, including Saint Nicholas who was a historical saint and bishop from the 4th Century. So, there is in fact a historic Santa that does exist – just not the way your son (and most other children) believe. This is important to communicate to him when you break the news – so that he does not feel that he has been told a completely fabricated piece of information. See this as a teaching opportunity. You can introduce the topic by telling your child of Saint Nicholas and how he was recognized and admired for his secret gift-giving. You can talk about the value behind unconditional giving to those that are less fortunate and in need. And then you can gently let your son know that there are actually many “Santa-type” people in the world – that care for and give to others, such as parents, grandparents and other loved ones. Depending on his intellectual maturity, you can describe to him that the Santa portrayed in the media and in the public is a metaphor for or a symbol of those that give. And ultimately you can let him know that it is you, not the big man in red, who provides him with gifts. He may get upset or tearful. He may ask you why you have lied – and you should be honest. State that this is part of the tradition of Christmas, it is part of what makes Christmas fun, and that virtually all other kids (and likely you, at one point) believe in Santa. Remember – parents have been breaking the news that Santa really doesn’t exist for decades, and will continue to do so with no evidence of any long term damage to kids. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
PH&S ClinicEnhancing psychological health, wellness and resilience Archives
October 2023
Mental Health
All
|