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Written by Xavier Mercader  Men and Mental Health: The Burden of Toxic Masculinity
Studies suggest men are less likely to seek support when it comes to mental health related issues. But, do we not suffer from stress or anxiety (among others), just as much as our female counterparts? Of course we do. So why is it that some men are still reluctant to seek help? Toxic Masculinity The main reason is societal stereotypes of what’s supposed to be “manly”. As men, some of us still feel some sort of social pressure in the idea that men are supposed to be “strong”, both physically and mentally. Therefore, showing signs of mental distress may be considered a weakness in the eyes of some people. There’s an old song I like that says, “in the days of my youth, I was told what it is to be a man. Now I’ve reached the age, I’ve tried to do all those things the best I can.” Ironically enough, the man singing this song was Robert Plant, from Led Zeppelin, who has always been playful and open about his sexuality. Fortunately, that “toxic masculinity” image has been changing and evolving over the years. Now, in 2023 we are starting to be able to see masculinity differently as well as have a different relationship with masculinity. We know we don’t need to watch sports and drink beer. We don’t need to make more money than our partner or be the sole economic provider in our household. And, we don’t need to suppress our feelings. Yet, we still have a ways to go when it comes to wholeheartedly accepting these ideals. These types of archaic stereotypes can play a role in our everyday life. They can impact what we do and stop doing, in fear of what’s (supposedly) expected of us as men. This is often because we feel our masculinity is challenged by what society dictates is “normal”. My Relationship with Masculinity One way I experienced it was while taking care of my toddler. After 8 months of maternity leave, my wife started work again. So, I cut my hours and changed my shift, to take care of our daughter. My wife’s scientific career is important to her and I supported her decision to go back to work early. While still on maternity leave, my wife and I would take our little one to the playground on the weekend. But the first time I took my daughter to the playground by myself I felt out of place. (That going alone, as a man wasn’t the norm.) Picture a guy with long hair and earring, wearing a biker jacket, a Motorhead t-shirt and leather boots, taking his 8-month-old daughter (dressed as cute as a baby can be), to the swings. Not only that, but I was also the only father on the playground. And, as silly as it may sound, I felt insecure. Of course, nobody was paying attention to me, but I felt uncomfortable because I fell outside the stereotype of a father. Traditionally, these roles are reversed in most families. I’m sure if we ask, most men will agree that a father taking his child to the playground should be normal. But (sadly) numbers never lie, and they were telling me I was down 5 to 1, not just that day, but for months. Should I have stopped taking my daughter to the playground because of my insecurity? Of course not! She loves the swings, so I took her anyway. Sure I felt out of place the first few times, but I realized I should stop seeing moms or dads (or the lack of them), and see parents. Though it’s impossible not to wonder where the other fathers are. Men and Mental Health So, how does toxic masculinity relate to mental health and what can we do about it? A culture of toxic masculinity results in men trying to hide and bury our mental struggles. Though this will only create unsolved issues; producing a snowball effect. And like a snowball rolling downhill, that small problem we didn’t want to talk about, will keep growing until it explodes. I’m sure many, if not all, of us, have seen this type of explosion happen before. It’s understandable that taking the step to seek the help of a professional may seem like a lot if you’re not used to asking for help. But there are smaller steps we can take to work towards seeking the help we need:
Final Thoughts As the father of a young daughter, I want to see more men breaking down the ideas of toxic masculinity. I want to see more fathers spending one on one time with their children and opening up about their feelings, without feeling judged. When we are able to express our feelings and deal with our mental health we become better fathers, better partners, better family members and better men. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My wife is fundamentally against the idea of counseling – she’s depressed, unsatisfied with life and has serious body image issues. But I think she needs to see an expert. How can I convince her it’s a good idea? The answer: It can frustrating and saddening for any of us to see someone we love being unhappy and struggling with life. We can often feel helpless in not being able to improve our loved one’s emotional state, particularly if we feel we have exhausted the avenues we have available to us. Certainly there can be a number of positive benefits that many people can experience from seeing and receiving treatment from an objective, neutral and trained mental health professional. That being said, the first point I would like to underscore is that it is not your role to “convince” your wife to seek out counseling. Your role as a partner is, first and foremost, to serve as a source of unconditional support. I do not mean at all to convey that she does not need or would not benefit from counseling, but the way that you approach this discussion is key. All too often I see well-meaning partners who will “tell” or “try to convince” their partner to seek out counselling, but this message can be interpreted as critical (rather than supportive). I would suggest that you start by have a genuine, heart-to-heart conversation with her. If possible, be mindful of timing this conversation on a day and time when both of you have dedicated and uninterrupted time to speak, free of other distractions. Convey your love and concern for her. Focus on communicating how you feel, and be specific about what you have noticed (e.g., “I feel saddened when I see you looking upset and tearful…”). Avoid making assumptions about how she is feeling (e.g., “I think you are depressed and need help”) as this may come across as accusatory or judgmental. Ask what you can do to help and support her. Focus on directing the conversation toward what she feels she needs, and what she thinks would be helpful. You say she is “fundamentally against” the idea of counseling, and I would try to understand where this comes from. Has she had negative or unhelpful experiences with mental health professionals in the past? Does she feel shame or stigma about having to seek out help? Is she unclear about what role a professional would play? Does she feel hopeless that treatment would not help? This may provide a better understanding of where she is coming from, and may help guide you towards ways that you can more effectively support her. Finally, offer to go with her to an initial appointment, no-strings attached. Maybe she’s afraid and unsure about the process. Let her know that you see this as a family issue, and that if she is feeling unwell emotionally that impacts you. Emphasize that your goal is to help and support her, in whatever way possible. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  As humans, virtually all of our traits – even the ones we value – can cause difficulties in particular situations. For example, being sensitive and having strong emotional reactions is not in and of itself problematic – these traits also lead us to be high empathy and experience joyfulness and happiness.
However, being high in interpersonal sensitivity can make us more sensitive in our reactions to benign joking or teasing. This can directly impact our self-esteem and our relationships with others (like those doing the joking, for example). While we may not be able – or even want – to completely change these traits, we are often able to make conscious decisions that help us deal with these situations better. Where does sensitivity come from? Any personality trait or attribute exists along a continuum, and we all tend to have a set-point range where we fall along that continuum. The contributing factors are multiple, and ultimately a combination of nature and nurture:
Being sensitive is neither bad nor good, it just is There are great things that come along with being sensitive – sensitive people are more likely to experience intense positive emotions, tend to connect with others’ emotional experiences on a deeper level, are more attuned to changes in others’ moods, and have a strong ability to empathize with others. However, there are also downsides to being highly sensitive and emotional. Sensitive people are more likely to personalize things, interpret things with negative intent when it may not exist, and overreact negatively to what may be a perceived insult. They are also likely to ruminate over things that have been said or done by others, have a hard time letting go of the past, and experience deeper hurt when it comes to conflict in interpersonal relationships. Our thoughts shape our reactions When it comes to our emotional reactions, the single most important factor that shapes how we react is our thoughts and interpretations about the situation. If you are walking down the street, wave to an acquaintance you recently met at a party who ignores you, and think “I must have said something she didn’t like when we met” you are likely going to react negatively. If instead, you think (as people who are high in emotional resilience would) “she didn’t recognize me, seeing me here is out of context” or “she looked preoccupied with a phone call she was on” you will probably have little to no emotional reaction. So, how can we have better control over our emotional reactions, particularly as they relate to emotional sensitivity? 1. Identify the automatic thoughts and interpretations that come up for you in a particular trigger situation. What are you thinking, perceiving and believing? Be as specific as possible. 2. Ask yourself a few key questions:
3. Actively work on replacing the automatic negative/personalized thoughts with thoughts that are more accurate to the situation, based on a review of all of the evidence. A core part of our life’s work is to continue to build awareness of who we are, recognize the patterns and behaviours we engage in that may be negatively impacting us or those around us, and work to continually improve areas of weakness. The goal is not to do away with fundamental elements that make you who you are, but rather to embrace those attributes in a way that the positives are maximized and the negatives are minimized so that you are living an overall happier life. Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Supporting LGBTQ+ People in the Workplace
LGBTQ+ individuals experience discrimination and harassment in the workplace. This directly and negatively impacts LGBTQ+ individuals’ mental health. So, when talking about workplace mental health, we need to pay special attention to groups, like the LGBTQ+ community, to actively work against this treatment to create psychologically safe spaces for all individuals. Facts About LGBTQ+ Workers The LGBTQ+ community has higher rates of unemployment, with rates spiking even higher for trans and nonbinary people. But unemployment is not the only issue. A U.K. report, one of the first of its kind, found that 7 in 10 LGBTQ+ people have been sexually harassed at work and two-thirds did not report it to their employer. The Williams Institute on Sexual Orientation Law and Public Policy found 15% to 43% of gay and transgender workers faced some sort of workplace discrimination in the U.S.. Though it is important to note that the experience of discrimination and harassment is not consistent across the queer community:
Many organizations have come to understand the experiences that LGBTQ+ individuals face in the workplace and have created specific policies to be more inclusive. Some of these include; healthcare coverage for same-sex spouses, protocols for gender transition, and paid parental leave for same-sex couples and adoptive parents. Inclusive Workspaces – Supporting LGBTQ+ People in the WorkplaceThough creating inclusive workplace policies is a great first step, it’s just that – a first step. Workplace policies are not enough on their own to create safe and inclusive workplace environments and culture. So, what can companies and colleagues do to create a safe and inviting workplace for members of the LGBTQ+ community?
Supporting LGBTQ+ Co-workers Oftentimes when we find out a co-worker is part of the LGBTQ+ community, we want to show our support but don’t know the best way to do so. What are some (potentially well-meaning) things that shouldn’t be done in the workplace when it comes to LGBTQ+ co-workers?
As we learn about the queer community and the diversity of people within the community, it’s natural to want to know more. The number of recognized identities is growing and it can seem intimidating and complicated to those who are not part of the LGBTQ+ community. It’s a great thing to be eager and willing to learn, and education is an important part of creating a more safe and inclusive environment for everyone. You might know someone who identifies within the LGBTQ+ community and figure they’re the best person to ask those burning questions. They might be, but they also may not. So, let’s talk about asking questions as this in an important part of supporting LGBTQ+ people in the workplace. What To Consider Before Asking Questions Before asking questions consider a few things:
Get Consent First It’s important to not only be cautious of who you’re asking, but also the questions you ask. It’s equally as important to ask for consent before asking a question. Asking for consent can be as simple as “can I ask you a question about X?” and waiting for an answer. It’s also important to be prepared to hear and respect the answer ‘no’. Questions Not to ask your LGBTQ+ Co-workers Here is a list of things to consider, as well as explanations as to why questions can be challenging to receive for those in the LGBTQ+ community.
Final Thoughts Supporting LGBTQ+ people in the workplace doesn’t have to be challenging. Start with good intentions on fostering an inclusive space, educate yourself on the LGBTQ+ community and the issues they face in the workplace, and do want you can to create that safe space. Ensure policies are updated and followed, lead by example and train and workers within your organization. If you’re motivated to learn more about the LGBTQ+ community consider checking out sites like TheSafeZoneProject for terminology, PFLAG a website for families and friends of LGBTQ+ people, or GLAAD, an organization devoted to shaping conversations about LGBTQ+ folks. |
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