By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Healthy solitude is beneficial for our well-being. But it can be challenging to set aside time to be alone when we’re in a relationship—especially one with kids.
Time apart can give couples a chance to recharge, to devote time and attention to their own needs separate from the demands of others, and to appreciate their partner. However, if we’re on the receiving end and our partner is getting more time alone than we like or need ourselves, this can lead to resentment. Relationship units In every relationship, there are four separate units we need to identify and nurture: the couple unit, the family unit (including kids and other extended family members), and each partner as an individual unit. When any of these areas are not given adequate time, attention or nurturance, the other units suffer. Relationships, where both couples are aligned with their respective ‘alone time’ needs, are easy to manage. However, if there’s some element of actual or perceived unfairness in the amount or quality of alone time one partner needs or takes, this can lead to resentment. If this occurs, there are a couple of options to reinstate equality: the person taking more time away can be requested to stop, or the person taking less time away can find ways to understand their partner’s reasons and needs, while exploring why this bothers them and working to fill up their own solo time. Generally – and assuming there aren’t trust or other significant issues at play – the latter is a more solution-focused approach. But, this doesn’t mean it will be easy – so, what can we do to manage associated negative emotions? Managing negative emotions First, it is never wrong to feel what we feel. Rather than just expressing those negative emotions (or stewing about them), it’s important to invite those emotions in as a way to enhance our self-reflection about our own relationship needs. Once we do that, we can mobilize those emotions and use them to arrive at a solution-focused outcome. Second, keep in mind that communication is always key. Before you initiate a conversation with your partner about your thoughts and feelings, consider where the resentment is coming from. Is the resentment stemming from jealousy because you want more alone time? Or, is it about wanting to spend more of that alone time with your partner? Consider asking these questions:
Once you have clarified what you feel resentful about missing, set aside uninterrupted time to have an open, authentic conversation with your partner about how you are feeling. Approach the conversation from a place of curious inquiry – try to (neutrally and non-judgmentally) understand what your partners needs are and why the value their alone time so much. Then, brainstorm solutions together that can help both of you have your respective needs met, while minimizing either of you feeling resentful about the others’ needs. Distance makes the heart grow fonder Taking time for ourselves is good self-care. But how much time we need is an individual preference. Have an honest conversation with yourself and your partner about alone time. After all, when our needs are being met, our relationships are happier, healthier, and last longer. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m hearing more and more about relationship agreements – like the one between Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg and his wife – in which partners commit to certain behaviours in a formal document. Do you think this is healthy for a relationship or is it just weird? The answer: Virtually every type of relationship – whether it’s romantic, a friendship or one between a parent and child – has a set of norms. These are implicit or explicit “agreements” that usually develop naturally over time. For couples, these agreements may include such things as who is responsible for which chores, how much alone time/couple time they spend, who handles the finances and so on. These agreements are usually implicit; they tend to be more explicitly articulated when things aren’t working well in some areas. This often manifests in the form of conflict, disagreements or arguments. Healthy couples will, throughout the course of their relationship, negotiate and renegotiate their terms depending on what is happening in their individual and collective lives. For example, when a couple has a baby, often there is a dramatic shift in roles and responsibilities, and a natural and organic shift in relationship “agreements.” These norms or agreements are a healthy part of a relationship. All of us value some element of predictability and control in our lives, and there is something to be said for having relationship expectations articulated, assuming that they are fair, acceptable and demonstrate respect for each partner. The notion of a formal relationship document – a written contract that sets out these details – takes the notion of informal agreements to a whole other level. Certainly the increased complexity of relationships and their configurations necessitates the growing use of written, legally binding documents (i.e., cohabitation and prenuptial agreements) to protect respective partners’ interests in situations of a dissolution, divorce or death. With the divorce rate being as high as it is, couples meeting and and living together or getting married in older age, and the increasing prevalence of blended families, having these types of agreements is prudent – not doing so can have a significant impact on the financial situation of one or both parties. But formalizing in writing the very natural parts of a relationship adds a clinical, cold level to the natural fluidity that can make relationships so wonderful. Drawing up formal relationship agreements is really a statement that speaks to the importance a couple put on one another. But how is this executed in real life? Consider the much-publicized requirement that Priscilla Chan put on Mark Zuckerberg to commit in writing to one date night and 100 quality minutes together a week out of his apartment or Facebook office. What happens if one person is in the hospital for pneumonia for a week? What if a family member dies? What if there is an urgent, non-negotiable work or personal commitment one week? Does 400 minutes one week cancel out what is required for the remaining month? Can you “bank” relationship commitments? Although relationship agreements may work for some couples, articulating roles, responsibilities and each others’ expectations is likely much more effectively done the good old fashioned way – over time and through discussion. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Laura Booiman, CBT Therapist The Science of Self-Care
There is a lot of talk about self-care these days. When thinking of self-care, one might imagine bubble baths, facials and cozying up with your favourite book in front of a fire. However, the stereotypes that are often associated with self-care give this fundamentally important habit a bad rap. While self-care may sound like a luxury, recent scientific studies suggest that it is actually non-negotiable, if we are looking to live long and healthy lives. Below we are going to outline some common myths around the practice of self-care, discuss what the most recent research tells us, and give you some easy, take-home examples that you can incorporate into your daily life. Myths about Self-Care:
What the Research Tells Us:
Practical Ways you can Practice Self-Care:
Final Thoughts about The Science of Self-care Remember, self-care doesn’t have to be perfect. As a clinician, I often tell my clients that it is not about the act itself, but setting the intention. If you slip up, be kind to yourself, and set the intention for self-care at a certain time of day that feels more manageable to you. If this blog resonated with you and you would like to speak with Laura or one of our associates for further support, please Contact Us. Laura Booiman, MSc. (she/her/hers) is a CBT Therapist at Dr. Joti Samra, R.Psych. & Associates. Her clinical training focuses on providing evidence-based cognitive-behavioural treatments to a variety of client’s psychological health needs, including: generalized anxiety disorders; depression; navigating life transitions; and managing stress (generalized and school). Check out her full bio here. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’ve already failed at my New Year’s resolution (to lose weight – I’ve caved to my dessert addiction and gained a pound since January 1). I can’t stop kicking myself and feel like I will never be able to stop gaining. What can I do psychologically to help my willpower? The answer: The start of a new year seems to be a perfect time to make changes in one’s life. About half the population makes New Year’s resolutions, with the most common resolutions relate to weight loss, exercising more, quitting smoking, and improving one’s financial situation. However, research indicates that by July, the overwhelming majority of individuals fail in sticking to their resolution or even remember what they promised to resolve. First of all, keep in mind that you are not alone in both making a resolution and feeling you have failed. Second – and much more importantly – you are taking a very extreme view in your belief that gaining two pounds represents failure of your goal! You simply don’t yet have enough information to evaluate how you have done. So, you need to begin by putting the small amount of “weight gain” you have had in perspective, which likely amounts to nothing more than water retention. Then, take the following steps to increase the likelihood of sticking to this, or any other resolution: Pick an attainable goal The goal should be something that, based upon the life you are living, is something that you can achieve. Ensure that your goal is measureable. To change your goal, you will have to know where you are headed, and how to determine if you are getting/have gotten there. Ensure the goal is realistic and time-limited. You may want to lose 30 pounds, but a realistic goal may be to lose 15 pounds this year and 15 pounds the following year. Set a specific period of time in which you will accomplish your goal. As you accomplish your time-limited steps, you can reward yourself for successes. Remember that small change is better than no change. Get supports as you start to make the change. Identify Barriers Anticipate setbacks. If you have tried to make this change in the past, what got in the way of the change being successful before? Problem-solve the barriers that you have encountered in the past. Identify the pros of not changing the behaviour (this can often help you appreciate why the change has not yet happened). Identify the cons of changing (the reasons the change may be difficult to do). Establish a specific contingency plan for each of the barriers you identify. Implement Change Obtain a baseline of your behaviour. Track your usual activity for a week. This can often help you to identify patterns in your day and help identify times when it would be easier to implement the change. Be aware of the powerful impact that conditioning plays in activity and behaviour. Actively work to change habits that you may have gotten into that are not conducive to achieving your goal. Approach behavioural change gradually. Make small, specific changes. Make a schedule with yourself to build the activity into your day-to-day life. Revisit & Revise Do not get discouraged by setbacks. If you are not on track with the changes you identified, work to identify the barriers. Were your expectations too high? Was the specific goal you set too ambitious? Revise your goal as necessary. Expect & visualize success. Reward yourself Set milestones that can help you track your progress. Ensure that you schedule in regular rewards for each milestone that you achieve. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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