By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Living at home, as an adult, can be challenging – particularly when it’s due to familial or cultural expectations, responsibilities, or need. Many people experience difficulties with juggling the devotion and feelings of responsibility they have to their family’s expectations with trying to maintain some semblance of an independent life.
It is reasonable to feel conflicted or burdened by the responsibility while others are focusing their energy on building their careers, having fun, fostering intimate partnerships, and possibly thinking about starting their own families. Living at home – particularly when it’s expected or required, rather than wanted – can thwart these efforts. So, what can you do? When it comes to your needs, honesty is the best policy Your guiding motto needs to be the age-old adage of honesty being the best policy. If you’re not upfront about your needs, frustration and resentment may build up. Before you have a conversation with your family about your frustration and independence it’s important that you first determine what your needs are.
The heart to heart Once you have come up with some solutions that work for you, have a heart to heart with your family. Here are some ways to do this:
Remember that ultimately you have a choice in what you choose to do – supporting your family and having some independence do not have to be mutually exclusive options. Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
How do I get the nay-saying voice in my head to quiet down? It’s with me all the time, telling me I’m not good enough and I’m going to fail. What are some specific strategies to think more positively? The answer: The power of our thoughts is stunning: thoughts can be both our strongest asset, as well as our worst liability. The way we think about ourselves and the future is integral to our overall sense of happiness and well-being. When we think hopeful, optimistic thoughts we tend to feel more confident, more secure, and generally more at peace. Conversely, when we think pessimistically we can find ourselves getting into a downward spiral of negativity, anxiety/worry, and low, discouraged mood. If you go to any local bookstore, you will see a burgeoning number of self-help books that focus on the “power of positive thinking”. When we are already feeling happy and enthusiastic, positive thoughts are easy, even if they may be slightly overinflated or grandiose. Unfortunately, if you are already feeling down on yourself, simply thinking positive thoughts alone is not helpful (and ironically can make you feel more frustrated with yourself). Although it may sound like semantics, a subtle (but very important) shift in your language can make a huge difference: try to make your thoughts fair and accurate. Interestingly, though shifting negative thoughts to become more realistic has the effect of making thoughts overall more positive. For example, the statement “I’m going to fail” is one that is negative and assumes the worst case situation. Unless you have a crystal ball that can foreshadow future events, this is not necessarily accurate and has the negative impact of lowering your confidence. It also can contribute to what’s called a self-fulfilling prophecy: basically increasing the likelihood that what you expect will occur because you end up inadvertently acting in a way that is consistent with your thought. A more accurate and realistic thought would be “I could fail, but I won’t know until I try and there is a chance I could succeed”. Most of our thoughts are unconscious (i.e., below our level of awareness). However, with practice and time, you can train yourself to become more aware of your thoughts. Try the following steps: 1. Start to become aware of your negative/self-defeating thoughts. It’s impossible to change your thoughts unless you are fully paying attention and catching your negative thoughts every time they come up. 2. When you have a negative thought, ask yourself a few questions:
Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m a successful woman in my early 30s, with a great career, close family and friends. After two very serious long-term relationships, I’ve been single for the last 2 years. After a few dates with any new prospect, I inevitably find flaws and call it quits. Is it okay to be picky? How can I accept being single? Do you have tips for embracing singledom? The answer: Successful, single, in your 30s and female: you are part of an ever-growing demographic of society! First and foremost: being selective about the people you choose to spend your time with is never a bad thing. But it sounds like there is some reason you are perhaps overly focused on flaws – and that this is not helping you meet your relationship needs. It can be helpful to spend some time articulating what type of relationship you want, as this may help you determine how “picky” you may or may not want to be. Ask yourself “what is it that I want from a relationship, right now?”. Are you looking for male companionship/friendship? A casual fling? A committed/monogamous yet casual relationship? Or a longer-term, life partnership that may include marriage or children down the road? The answer to this question can help you decide what qualities you currently need in a partner, as arguably the qualities you may look for in a potential lifetime mate (e.g., “great parenting potential”) may be irrelevant if right now you are just looking for a casual relationship. Make a list of the types of flaws you have found in your recent dates. Are your expectations unrealistic (e.g., “someone who is always happy”)? Are you unfairly ruling dates because of qualities that you accept in yourself or your close friends? You may want to run the “flaw list” by a close friend of family member who you trust to give you an honest answer as to whether you are being too critical or judgmental. The second part of your question – about accepting single life – is a bit more complex. Certainly being in your 30s and single can be challenging, particularly if your friends are settling down or starting families. Often this can trigger a range of emotions if marriage or children is something that you picture in your life, as the reality is age poses a bigger challenge for women than men. It can also feel difficult if your interests and activities differ from those that you are close to. Actively work on building a network of other single friends, as this is one of the best ways to not feel so alone in your single status. Many cities now have singles’ social groups/activities, where the focus is on meeting other successful, single professionals for friendship. If you really are wanting a relationship right now, make sure that you are putting yourself out there (this can involve taking some risks). Sitting at home on a Friday night or only socializing with coupled-up friends won’t necessarily expose you to optimal situations to meet other singles. Finally, put energy into learning new activities or building new experiences that bring you happiness and fulfillment (e.g., travel, sports, learning a new language) as this can contribute to having an overall balanced, fulfilling life until you meet that special someone. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. The question:
My son recently moved back home into the basement – with his girlfriend. I want him to be on his own two feet, but my spouse won’t take a stand. What should I do? The answer: You were a walking zombie during the sleepless, colicky nights. With some creative disaster-proofing, you made it through the terrible twos. And you are still stunned that you survived the hormonal teen years without committing a felony offense. So, haven’t you paid your dues now that you have an adult child? If you are like most parents of a 20-something, the answer should be yes, but unfortunately these days, it may also be no. The 2021 Canadian census tell us that the percentage of young adults (ages 20 to 34) who continue to reside with their parents is significantly higher than 25 years ago and sits at around 35 per cent. This is no surprise when we think of the range of societal changes and financial pressures that we’ve become familiar with over the last few decades. There is nothing unequivocally wrong with your son residing with you, and it can be a helpful interim situation that actually helps your son, so long as the boundaries and parameters are clearly outlined. But, I’m assuming from your question that the issues are not as clear-cut and that there are compelling reasons you feel this is not a helpful arrangement. Bigger than even the issue of where and how long your son and his girlfriend reside with you is the difference of opinions between you and your spouse. This is the most important issue that you need to address. The two of you must take a united parental stand. Children, regardless of age, are extremely adept at identifying differences in opinions between parents, and they either intentionally or inadvertently exploit those differences in their favour. You need to start by having a candid discussion with your husband. Pick a time when the two of you are not stressed, are getting along well, have dedicated time to talk and are free of other distractions. Tell him there is something important you want to speak about. Acknowledge you have different opinions, but want to arrive at an outcome that satisfies both of you. Ask him to hear you out fully without commenting, and let him know you will offer him the same courtesy. Then present your position. Give specific reasons why you feel your son moving back home is not a good idea, and why you feel it doesn’t help him in the long-term. Whenever possible, use words and language that convey to him that you ultimately have the same goals in mind. (“I know we both want him to be independent and to be able to succeed on his own.”) Chances are, from a fundamental values perspective, you and your spouse are more likely to be on the same page than not. Then ask your husband for his perspective and thoughts. Listen to him, without interrupting. Try to arrive at a compromise that both of you are comfortable with. Perhaps you each give a little; for example, you could work toward a time-limited situation where your son stays with you, but stipulate there be a six- to 12-month plan where he works toward being on his own. Regardless of how long your son stays, it is integral to the plan that you set parameters that create a motivation for him to move out. It is reasonable and fair for you to expect him and his girlfriend to pay rent (perhaps it is a reduced rent, but ensure you are asking him to contribute in some way); contribute to household bills; be responsible for household chores; and respect certain household rules that you may have (no smoking and no loud parties, for example). Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I think it’s time for my 80-year-old mother to go into a nursing home in the next year or two. She is still healthy but not as strong as she once was. How can I broach this subject with her and prepare her? The answer: Speaking to a parent about transitioning to a nursing home can be one of the most difficult conversations you may have. It may be emotional on a number of levels for both you and your mother. But having conversations about this well in advance is one of the best things you can do, to give everyone time to mentally prepare for the upcoming changes. Before broaching this subject with your mother, you may want to spend some time thinking about what you want to say, what options there are, what timelines might make sense, and who else that is close to you and your mother could possibly get involved in the discussion (e.g., your father if he is in the picture, siblings, an aunt or an uncle). Use your judgment on who best to involve. You want to remain sensitive to not having your mother feel she is being “ganged-up” on by having too many people present, but there can be value in considering having someone else present that is close to her, and who she feels also has her best interests at heart. Let your mother know in advance you’d like to set some uninterrupted time to speak with her about some concerns you have about her health and/or living situation. This can help to make her feel like she is not being taken off guard. Try to identify an optimal time (e.g., when she is feeling relatively well physically, in a comfortable environment such as her own home, during a time of day when her energy level is reasonably high). Keep in mind that you may need a number of repeat conversations over time to get to a workable solution. Start the first conversation by genuinely letting her know how you feel. Express that you love her, that this is a hard conversation for you to have, and that you are only speaking to her out of concern for her for health and well-being. Describe the concerns you have about her health. Try to be as specific and objective as possible. Let her know you can imagine how difficult it may be for her to start to think about moving to a supported living environment. Take the time to ask her how she feels and what is important to her. Appreciate that she may get upset, defensive or sad – this is all part of the process of making such a significant change in living status. Listen to her concerns. Remain gentle and empathetic in your tone. Try to understand her concerns and perspective, and to the extent possible and reasonable involve her in all important decisions. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Helping You Better Understand Your Suicidal Thoughts
Some problems and experiences, especially those that have been around for a long time, can leave you feeling hopeless and overwhelmed. At these times, you may think that you have no options left. You may think about suicide as a way to escape intense emotional pain. There are many potential causes of suicidal thoughts and it can be helpful to better understand your suicidal thoughts in order to work toward managing and preventing them. People who consider suicide as an option often think that their problems are unbearable and can’t be fixed. They feel like nothing they have tried has or will change their situation. Their emotional pain can distort thinking so it becomes harder to trust, or to see possible solutions to problems, or to connect with available love and support. Even if it seems that you can’t stand another minute, it is important to remember that feelings (e.g., grief, anger, sadness, loneliness, shame), especially at this intense level, don’t last forever. Sometimes thoughts of suicide can become very strong, especially if you have taken drugs or alcohol. It is important to not use nonprescription drugs or alcohol, particularly when you feel hopeless or are thinking about suicide. Some of the thoughts you may be having are:
Your feelings of pain are very real. However, it is important to know that there is hope. With the help of professionals and the support of family and friends, you can learn about what is causing your suffering and how you can change or manage it. Hurting or killing yourself are not your only options. Professionals can help you learn new skills for dealing with your pain. These might include: developing new skills to cope; seeing your problems in a new light; improving your ability to handle intense and painful emotions; improving your relationships; increasing your social supports; or medications. Causes of Suicidal Thoughts There are a number of potential causes of suicidal thoughts and you are not wrong or weak for feeling them. But the better you understand where your suicidal thoughts are coming from the better you are able to manage those feelings, Some of the potential causes of suicidal thoughts are:
Final Thoughts As you can see, there are many potential causes of suicidal thoughts. These thoughts are normal and even though they seem unbearable at the moment they aren’t going to last forever and there is support available. Understanding your suicidal thoughts not only makes it easier to manage these feelings but also makes it easier to ask for help. If you or someone you love is at immediate risk, call 9-1-1. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My daughter hates that I’m dating. She’s 32; I’m 65. Her dad has never been in the picture, but now that I’ve found a serious relationship, she’s having real trouble accepting another person having my attention. What can I do? The answer: Kids – even when they’re adults – can have trouble accepting a new partner in a parent’s life. When a parent has gone through a divorce or been widowed, a child may have difficulty accepting a new relationship. A range of emotions can surface for a child even when the new relationship is not replacing the role of another parent, like in your situation. I’m assuming that this is one of the first significant relationships. Your daughter has gotten used to your undivided attention (and more importantly your undivided affection), and that she is struggling with accepting an actual (or perceived) shift in the relationship she has with you. This may feel difficult and hurtful to you, as it may come across as though she is unhappy to see you happy. I suspect this may be bringing up some mixed feelings for you. You likely feel guilty – which is normal. Have an open discussion with her: Let her know what you have observed and your feelings about the situation. Don’t assume that her feelings relate to her difficulty accepting that another person has your attention – she may be feeling confused, sad, or fear that the relationship between you and her will change. She may be feeling protective toward you and wanting to ensure you don’t get hurt. Check-in with her on her feelings and thoughts about the situation, as they may surprise you. Speak to her about how you feel about your partner, and the positives added to your life by being in this relationship so that she better understands your perspective. Reassure your daughter that your partner will not in any way take the place of your relationship with her. You may need to identify ways that you and she can continue to spend individual time together nurturing your relationship. Ask her for ideas on what she would like to see. I suspect that your daughter is simply going to need some time to adjust to a “new normal.” Maintain open lines of communication with her, but at the same time stay firm and do not allow her feelings to dissuade you or contribute to you feeling guilty about fulfilling an important part of your life. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Darby Eakins, CBT Therapist and certified Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Advisor What is burnout?
While burnout is not officially recognized as a diagnosable mental illness, recent research (Koutsimani, 2019) suggests that even though it’s often associated with anxiety and depression, it appears to be a robust and stand-alone construct. The World Health Organization defines burnout as “a feeling of intense fatigue, loss of control, and an inability to produce concrete results at work.” Another definition indicates burnout is “a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress.” It’s always associated with work, and while it was initially reserved for those in caring roles (nurses, doctors, social workers and teachers), we now know that all workers can be exposed to burnout. Folks with burnout will often meet the criteria for depression and/or anxiety, and some will even meet the criteria for PTSD. In my case, I met the criteria for all three. But with the context of work removed or the organizational issues remedied, most folks will recover. Burnout Risk Factors & Facts
Burnout and the National Psychological Safety Standard The National Psychological Safety Standard (The Standard) defines a psychologically healthy and safe workplace as “a workplace that promotes workers’ psychological well-being and actively works to prevent harm to worker psychological health, including in negligent, reckless or intentional ways.” (National Standard of Canada for Psychological Health and Safety in the Workplace (CAN/CSA-Z1003-13/BNQ9700- 803/2013) The Standard outlines 13 risk factors for psychological safety at work:
Preventing and Recovering from Burnout Burnout does not happen overnight. It is insidious and creeps in over time. Symptoms that may arise include: fatigue, pain, digestive problems, stomach ulcers, skin problems, disrupted sleep, weight loss or gain, frequent illnesses, constant loss of motivation with regard to work, detachment from work, pronounced irritability, spontaneous anger, feelings of incompetence, inefficiency and exhaustion, a desire to isolate oneself, a feeling of failure, a drop in self-confidence, anxiety, worry, insecurity, difficulty concentrating, loss of memory, difficulty in using good judgement, indecision, confusion, and in the most serious cases, suicidal thoughts. Preventing Burnout From a prevention perspective, it’s important to notice the flags and risks of burnout to mitigate them in yourself:
Recovering from Burnout From a recovery perspective, it’s important to navigate to resources for support:
By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
The woman I love is a hoarder. She refuses to even talk about it – we always spend time together at my house and go out, but just bringing up the subject is too much for her. Do I have to leave this relationship? The answer: First, understand what hoarding means, as many people use this term loosely. Someone who is a true hoarder engages in pathological or compulsive behaviours where they acquire or collect a large number of items that seem to have little or no value to others (e.g., clothes, newspapers, flyers), and have significant difficulty discarding these items. They will often continue to acquire items despite having significant clutter in their living space, which may be both unsanitary and pose safety risks. They also experience ongoing impairment with respect to their social and/or occupational function. Most hoarders are what are called “object” hoarders (collecting inanimate objects), and a smaller portion are animal hoarders (collecting a range of animals, most commonly cats). Individuals who engage in hoarding often meet criteria for one or more psychological/psychiatric diagnoses. The most common conditions are obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression. Hoarders are also more likely than the general population to have experienced abuse or neglect in childhood. Individuals who hoard can be extremely resistant to acknowledging their difficulties and seeking help – due to a combination of factors, including significant anxiety when thinking of letting go of or discarding the objects of their hoarding, as well as associated shame and guilt. Although there are effective treatments, these are often very intensive and are multimodal, requiring a combination of psychological therapy, medication therapy, and community supports/assistance. Hoarders often need the unconditional support of their family or close friends as well to be able to make and sustain changes. To an outsider, hoarding behaviour can be highly puzzling and complex to understand. Loved ones often struggle with how to approach this. Giving an ultimatum or telling the hoarder to simply discard the objects is not effective, nor is trying to convince them about the problems the hoarding is causing. Start by telling your girlfriend how much you care about her. Indicate that you are concerned about her and that you appreciate how difficult it may be for her to even talk about her difficulties with hoarding. Ask her what you could do that could help facilitate the process. Indicate that her difficulties are impacting you and your relationship and that you jointly need to find an effective way to communicate about this as a starting point. Assure her that you are not going to ask her or force her to do anything that she is not comfortable with, as ultimately that is her decision. The question about whether you stay or leave is one that you ultimately have to decide over time based on how your discussions with her go. Loving someone involves unconditionally accepting their strengths and their weaknesses, but you need to know the elements of your relationship you can accept and live with for the long term. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I have an unexplained fear of flying. I’ve never been on a plane – never want to – but now my daughter moved to the States, and I would love to go visit without driving for 10 hours. How can I get over it – or can I? The answer: A fear of flying is one of the most common phobias. By definition, a phobia is an irrational fear of a thing, place or situation that is out of proportion to the actual danger posed. Although phobias sometimes begin following a fear-inducing situation (such as experiencing a very turbulent flight, for example), often people have no recollection of why or how their fear was created. And, not uncommonly, phobias can develop even when a person has never had an experience related to that which they are fearing, such as in your situation. Anxiety disorders – and phobias in particular – are highly treatable. The most effective treatment for phobias is cognitive behavioural therapy, which involves two key elements: 1) challenging the irrational, fear-inducing thoughts associated with the feared stimulus and 2) behavioural strategies involving an approach called “systematic desensitization”. Very simply, phobias persist if we continue to (without any persuasive evidence) think that a particular stimulus is fear-inducing. There are two common faulty patterns of thinking that individuals engage in that feed a phobia: probability overestimation and catastrophic thinking. Individuals consistently overestimate the probability of the worst negative outcome occurring. For example, you likely (without knowing it) are overestimating the likelihood that, for example, the worst imagined outcome of a plane crashing would occur. Obtain accurate statistics on imagined worst case outcomes. Then, be aware of the automatic phobic thoughts you are having, and replace them with more accurate thoughts. So, if you have the thought “So many things could go wrong; the plane might crash and I could die”, replace it with the more accurate and valid thought “Although plane crashes can occur, they are very rare. The likelihood of a plane crashing is extremely low, much lower than me dying driving my car, and I don’t avoid that”. Individuals also tend to engage in catastrophic, exaggerated thoughts about outcomes. Instead of thinking things like “I could never, ever get on a plane – it would absolutely terrify me and I would lose it”, trying replacing the thought with something more accurate like “Although it may feel extremely difficult I – like tens of thousands of people a day – could get on a plane. I may feel extremely anxious but I would be able to eventually get through it. With practice and time it will get easier”. There is an important behavioural component to overcoming phobias. Systematic desensitization involves two components: learning relaxation strategies and implementing them as one gradually exposes themselves to the source of their phobia. So in your case: thinking about flying, then watching a plane on TV, talking about you on a plane, going to an airport, etc. You systematically expose yourself to situations that elicit more and more fear while using relaxation strategies throughout. Working with a psychologist who specializes in cognitive-behavioural therapy for anxiety disorders/phobias can be tremendously helpful, and there is good evidence that significant benefit will be obtained following 8-16 sessions of treatment. So – yes, with some dedicated effort you will be able to get over your fear. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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