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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question: Everything makes me cry: corny movies, sad books, even greeting cards. Am I weird?
The answer: Last time I checked, “weird” was not a category in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders … so being overly emotional is likely not a symptom of that. But in all seriousness, being easily brought to tears can be reflective of a number of things. First, it is important to appreciate that there are tremendous individual differences in our baseline levels of sensitivity, in the types of triggers that lead us to have emotional responses and in how those responses manifest outwardly (tears, anger, avoidance and so on). Is your tearfulness a transient state that’s tied to a situational event or a more long-standing trait? Are you someone who has always been sensitive, even as a young child? I’m not suggesting that you should dismiss your responses if you have always been this way, but it can at least help provide some understanding. What is the intensity with which are you are reacting? Are you starting to uncontrollably cry your eyes out at every long-distance phone plan commercial? Or are you simply finding emotions swell up easily for you (e.g., you get a tear in your eye but are able to maintain composure and easily refocus)? The former would be disruptive to your life; the latter, likely not so much. If the intensity is significant, pay attention to whether your tearfulness has been tied to any recent situational factors, such as changes in medications or health status, chronic sleep difficulties or, if you’re a woman, pregnancy or your menstrual cycle. If so, you may want to speak to your family physician to see if there is a medical or physiological contribution. Are there some significant changes in your life, such as death or illness of a loved one, dissolution of a major relationship, a coming wedding or an impending move? Often big life changes and stressors (even those that are positive) can affect our emotional threshold and make us more sensitive than usual. Ask yourself: Is your crying associated with significant mood changes, such as persistent sadness, loss of interest in activities that usually make you happy or overwhelming fear or anxiety? Are you isolating yourself, feeling less energetic than usual, experiencing sleep disruptions (sleeping more than usual or being unable to sleep) or noticing major changes in appetite or body weight? If so, your tearfulness may be reflective of an underlying mood disorder such as a depression or anxiety, and speaking to a mental health professional such as a psychologist can help guide you toward taking steps to improve your state of mind. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  How to survive Valentine’s Day being single
Valentine’s Day is challenging for many people, but it can feel particularly difficult when we’re single. This, of course, is not surprising given it’s the day of the year that has an explicit focus on couples, relationships and ideas of never-ending romantic love. Many single people will describe just wishing those days would hurry up and be over. As they feel particularly lonely, much more than they may at any other time of the year. So, let’s talk about how to survive Valentine’s Day being single. Making ourselves do something to rebel against the idea of Valentine’s Day often doesn’t work. A ‘single’s party’ for example can ironically have the opposite effect and further amplify your single status; and, having a first date just for the sake of a date certainly can feel fake and forced. How to Survive Valentine’s Day So, what can we do to get through the day on Valentine’s Day when we may feel particularly lonely? Think about just doing something for yourself that’s a treat or makes you feel special – such as draw yourself a bubble bath or make yourself a nice dinner. (Though consider avoiding restaurants as you’re likely to be surrounded by couples). This can be extended from just treating yourself to taking time to think about what makes you special. When we’re feeling lonely it can be easy for us to fall into a negative thinking pattern about ourselves that may lead to feeling unloved or unloveable. Take the time to boost your self-esteem by writing these things down. Consider writing about what you love most about yourself; what others appreciate about you; and, the special skills or talents you have that you are proud of or that others admire. Or spend time with someone you love. Valentine’s Day doesn’t only have to be about romantic love. As humans, we’re social creatures and are dependent on the social bonds we develop. The romantic bonds are not inherently better or more valuable than other relationships. Spend the evening with someone you care about in your family, or a close friend. Remember Valentine’s Day is a day just like any other (also true for the other holidays!) This can be hard to do when we are bombarded by images of flowers, balloons, chocolates and other testimonials attesting to one’s love for another person every which way we look – TV, stores, and even in our office. But it is just one day and there are 364 others that are not surrounded by multiple images of coupledom. Changing Our feelings about Valentines Day But maybe just getting through the day isn’t enough. This time of year many people find themselves saying “I love being single every day except Valentine’s Day”. If this is true it might be time to re-think your feelings about Valentine’s Day and why you may be feeling this way. How to re-think Valentine's Day 1. List the feelings and thoughts Valentine’s Day evokes for you, and try to specifically articulate what it is that feels emotionally upsetting or uncomfortable. Are you feeling lonely? Hopeless? Are feelings of being unlovable being triggered? Then, challenge whether these are accurate. (It being Valentine’s Day doesn’t make the thoughts true!) 2. Often there may be a tendency to fully reject the notion of wanting to have a partner in our life – we may even convince ourselves this is a sign of weakness. But consider asking this: why does feeling that we need another person seem awful?
3. Try to understand what it is you’re reacting to – if you are saying you “love” being single every other day but are feeling “awful” on Valentine’s Day, there’s a disconnect in the intensity of the feelings. Perhaps you aren’t loving being single as much as you feel at times. This may be hard to admit or acknowledge, but it may be important information in that it may motivate us to make some active changes in our life that can help us to work on changing our relationship status. 4. In the interim, it is okay to do the best you can to get through the day on Valentine’s Day – it’s a struggle for many people, not just those who are single. Regardless of how we approach Valentine’s Day it is important to remind ourselves that the negative feelings will abate (as they always do) and that the 24 hours will be over before we know it. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
Lately I’ve been feeling uninterested in socializing. All I want to do is stay home and have netflix marathons. I’ve been feeling like this for about two months. Should I be worried I’m no longer wanting to spend time with friends and family – which I used to enjoy? The answer: All of us can benefit from the occasional TV binge. It can give us time to unwind from the day-to-day grind of our lives and give us an opportunity to recharge. However, if your tendency to avoid people has been going on for weeks or months on end, there may be cause for concern. Periods of feeling down or sad are common for all of us; most of the time when we feel this way, we aren’t depressed. Usually, mood changes will go away on their own within a few days or weeks, especially as stressors that commonly cause these mood changes start to resolve. For some people, mood issues may continue for weeks or longer. If you find that you have been feeling sad or down and have had little interest in things you normally enjoy, like spending time with friends, for an extended period, it’s possible you are struggling with an emotional problem like depression. Depression is one of the most common psychological health conditions and affects one out of four people over the course of their lifetime. Contrary to popular belief, depression doesn’t always mean feeling sad or tearful – for some people, a “depressed” mood may feel like irritability or frustration, and for others it may be associated with feeling “flat” or feeling “nothing.” Depression comes along with other problems that may include:
If you are feeling any of the above – particularly if you are having dark thoughts – you should speak to your family doctor or a psychologist or psychiatrist. There are very effective treatments for depression, including cognitive-behavioural therapy, interpersonal therapy and, for some people, medication therapy. With time and the right treatment, you can get better. You may be able to access free services through your local mental health agency (see www.cmha.ca for a Canadian Mental Health Association office near you). By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I am admittedly a moody person – I can go from joyous to grumpy in a matter of hours without any real reasons. My wife recently sat me down and addressed this: she thinks it’s a sign of a mental disorder. Can’t someone just ‘be moody’? Do I really need to see a shrink? The answer: Great question. Changes in mood or emotional states are a normal part of the human experience for all of us. There are very adaptive reasons we experience a range of mood states – both those that feel positive, as well as those that may feel negative. Our emotions serve a motivating function, and they can communicate important things to both ourselves and to others around us about experiences we are dealing with. A number of factors can impact our mood: overall life situations, current stressors, or the amount of sleep we have had, to just name a few. Certainly there are also individual differences in personalities – where some of us tend to be happier or more even-keeled regardless of what is going on around us, others are more susceptible to more frequent shifts in their mood. So, the simple answer is that yes – sometimes people can just “be moody”. That said, frequent changes in mood can sometimes be a sign of a more serious psychological health condition that needs attention (such as a depression, an anxiety disorder, or a personality disorder). Other times, moodiness may warrant attention even if there is no underlying clinical condition. There are a few situations in which seeking some additional assistance may be warranted: 1) If the mood issues are creating some distress or negative impact in terms of your happiness, enjoyment, or overall quality of life; 2) If the mood issues are significant impacting other relationships in your life (e.g., with friends, your partner, or other family); or 3) If the mood issues are impacting your ability to effectively carry out other important responsibilities in your life, such as your ability to do your job or your ability to parent. You describe the changes in terms of extremes – “joyous” to “grumpy” with no reason can be completely normal for most of us on occasion. Now, if these changes are occurring on a regular basis and are consistently unpredictable it may be helpful to understand why. Certainly moods can sometimes change without any real reason, but often there are contributors (such as our stress levels, behaviours, or ways we are thinking) that can be the culprit. I would also pay attention to the fact that your wife is raising this as an issue – irrespective of whether there is or is not any underlying psychological condition, your mood changes seem to be having an impact on the quality of your marital relationship, and it would be helpful to understand why or how this is happening. This doesn’t mean that you are fully to blame, but any time any of our behaviours are impacting our partner it is important to try to work to collectively solve issues in a way that the overall quality of the relationship may be enhanced. Ask your wife how she is impacted by your admitted moodiness, and what you (and she) can both do that may work to improve things for both of you. You may find an initial consultation session with a professional who has expertise in couples/relationship issues may be helpful for both of you. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Emory Oakley. Emory is a writer and LGBTQ+ educator who regularly discusses the intersections of queer identities and mental health.  The Power of Emotional Vulnerability in Building Relationships
He looks at me and his expression is unclear, not angry but not easily pinned down. In the back of my head, I can’t help but think he’s mad at me. I have no reason to believe he’s upset but my insecurity tells me that eventually, everyone is going to leave. I easily believe they’re going to see the worst side of me and no longer want to be a part of my life. This time, instead of allowing these harmful thoughts to circle through my brain and ruin the evening with my partner, I smile. I ask him for a kiss and to remind me that he loves me. For many people, it’s automatic to attempt to avoid negative or painful emotions. This type of reaction is human nature, we want to avoid things that hurt and that includes our feelings. Although this can be helpful, at times, often it’s important for us to acknowledge and express our feelings. As well as be emotionally vulnerable with ourselves and the people in our lives. In past relationships, I’ve allowed my insecurity to take hold in a way that resulted in pushing them away. My fear of them leaving became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Though over time, and with years of therapy, I was able to acknowledge my feelings and vulnerabilities to myself. Which eventually allowed me to express them to my partner. Now, even though it’s still hard to admit, I can tell my partner when I am hurt, or sad, or feeling insecure and express how together we can manage those feelings to preserve our relationship. Emotional Vulnerability When some people think about emotional vulnerability, they automatically see it as a bad or scary thing but it doesn’t have to be. What is emotional vulnerability? It’s the ability or willingness to acknowledge (and potentially express) one’s emotions. Particularly those emotions that are difficult or painful. Emotions such as shame, sadness, anxiety, insecurity, etc. Though it’s important to note that acknowledging does not mean wallowing or becoming fixated. It has been defined by Brene Brown as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” The Benefits of Emotional Vulnerability One way to convince ourselves to make small changes in our behaviour when it comes to emotional vulnerability is to outline and understand the benefits of doing so. 1 - It strengthens Relationships Vulnerability helps to build trust and intimacy in relationships. Relationships, whether romantic, platonic, or intimate, are built on trust. Being emotionally vulnerable helps a person to build relationships more quickly. 2 - It improves Self-Awareness When you acknowledge your own emotions and are vulnerable with yourself, you learn things about your own behaviours and defence mechanisms. Acknowledgement and understanding is the first step in making change. How to Be More Emotionally Vulnerable Even if you’re convinced that being more emotionally vulnerable is valuable, you may not know where to start or what you can do to become more emotionally vulnerable. And it may feel scary at first. How do we acknowledge our emotions? First, we must observe and label our emotions. Observing our emotions is simply labelling the emotion without thinking about how we act, behave or react to our emotions, or how we think about our emotions. This means simply stating I feel sad right now or I feel angry right now – full stop. Next, we have to validate our emotions. This means reminding ourselves that it’s okay to feel whatever emotion we are feeling even if we don’t want to feel it. Then we practice. Once we are more comfortable with being more emotionally vulnerable with ourselves, we can be more emotionally vulnerable with others. What can we do to practice being emotionally vulnerable? One way to practice being emotionally vulnerable is to write down your feelings (or say them out loud). Writing down your feelings, like in a journalling practice, can help to create a habit of thinking about and articulating your emotions. Another way to practice emotional vulnerability is going to therapy. For many of us, our habits and defence mechanisms, like emotional avoidance, have become so ingrained that it’s easy to completely miss them. A therapist or counsellor is an objective third party who is able to point out these habits and help you to recognize and make changes in these behaviours. How I Learned to Be More Emotionally Vulnerable When I first started seeing a therapist I was even harder on myself than I am now. But I struggled to make any changes in my thinking or behaviour because I failed to notice the bad habits. One of the habits I used to have was continually saying I feel weird. Weird does not mean anything concrete and does not help me to deal with how I am feeling. My therapist continually pointed out when I did this and forced me to accurately articulate my feelings no matter how uncomfortable it made me. This helped me to not only realize how often I was resorting to this bad habit but encouraged me to more accurately describe my feelings. Eventually, I was able to make significant changes in my thinking and gained the tools I needed to better manage my feelings. One of those important tools was to be more emotionally vulnerable with myself and with others. Therapy changed my life. Are you looking to get more support? Check out the counselling services with the Psychological Health & Safety Clinic and sign up for a free consult today. Talking to a professional really can change your life (and it doesn’t have to be scary). By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Having a baby can be one of the happiest moments in a person’s life … yet it’s also high on the list of most stressful life events.
Most women experience myriad emotions after giving birth – excitement, happiness, elation and joy. In addition to the usual (expected) positive emotions, many women also experience low or sad mood, tearfulness, frustration or a sense of emptiness. These negative emotions are often a surprising reaction to what most feel should be a unilaterally happy event. This experience, however, is extremely common. As many as 75% of moms will experience the “baby blues,” which in addition to low mood can also include a general feeling of flatness or emptiness. Unfortunately, however, many feel a sense of shame in terms of talking about these negative emotions. What causes the baby blues? There are a number of factors that contribute to the baby blues:
But, what are some things new mothers can do to help lift their mood following childbirth? Managing Negative Emotions Following Childbirth Here are five tips for managing negative emotions following childbirth:
When should mothers get further support? If a new mother is persistently feeling low, flat or empty for more than a month, they may benefit from seeking professional assistance. About one in 10 women will develop clinical levels of depression that are important to treat early on. Here are some questions a new mother can ask herself to determine whether or not she needs the extra support:
If at any point you feel you are at risk to harm yourself or your baby, immediately seek help and call 911. Remember it is normal to feel low or have negative emotions after child birth, and it’s good to talk about it. It always helps to get support early. Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. The question:
I’ve been taking a low dose birth control pill for about a year now and I’m wondering how much of an effect the hormones can have on my mood. I’ve always suffered from mild anxiety, but lately I just don’t feel like myself. I could be fine one minute and the next I feel a rush of anxious energy, worry and sadness. Could it be the pills and should I stop taking them? The answer: Virtually any pharmaceutical – particularly one that is focused specifically on hormonal regulation – has the potential to impact mood. Sadness, anxiety, as well as irritability or sleeplessness are among the most common potential consequences. Speaking to your family doctor about the changes you have noticed is an important first step. There may be a pill that is a better fit for your body, or alternative forms of birth control may be options to consider. It is equally important for you to consider other situational or life events that may be impacting your anxiety. Interestingly, as humans we generally tend to be pretty poor and often inaccurate in our attributions of what factors affect our emotional and physical health. This can be chalked up to a case of being “too close to home” when it comes to factors that affect us. You say you’ve always suffered from mild anxiety – do you have a sense of what factors (situations, scenarios, concerns, people) contribute to the anxiety for you? Putting pen to paper and articulating in writing the personal contributors is a good way to gain some insight. What is going on in your life right now? Pay attention to changes that may be exacerbating your anxiety. Relationship conflict, work stress and financial concerns tend to be the most common culprits. Even positive life events – such as a having a baby, getting a promotion, or moving – tax our physical and emotional resources and can lead to our body feeling “stressed” (our body doesn’t discriminate between good stress and bad stress!). How is your health generally? Have you been exercising? Eating relatively balanced meals? Getting adequate amounts of sleep? Targeting these areas if they have fallen short, and also minimizing alcohol use, is important. The best way to make sense of triggers and contributing factors to your mood is to keep a daily diary for a week or two. Start from when you wake up, and make an hourly (or close to) entry of the following: your mood, what you are doing, and any particular thoughts you are aware you have been having. Review this with your family doctor, and ensure you have had an up to date physical examination as other health issues (e.g., anemia, thyroid dysregulation) could also be playing a role. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  How to Manage Feelings of Frustration
With all of the busyness of life, frustration can be a frequently occurring emotion, particularly when we are dealing with competing life and work demands. Here, we’ll address what causes us to feel frustration, how to manage feelings of frustration to decrease our frustration levels. What is frustration? Frustration is the feeling of being upset or annoyed, particularly because of our inability to change or achieve something. When we experience frustration, we often forget the cause of these feelings are often completely out of our control – and the ‘out of our control’ contributors to frustration often can even further amplify the feelings of frustration! (Isn’t that just frustrating?) How can we all better manage frustration?
Final Thoughts Personally, I find when my frustration levels increase, it’s usually because I’m feeling disorganized in life. So, what I do is intentionally reduce ‘extra’ demands in my life – which usually relates to non-essential or non-energizing social commitments – and use that time to catch up on housework, do laundry, get caught up and organized with paperwork that clutters my office, and do some meal planning so that I have one less To Do during the week. I also then commit no-alarms on Saturdays and Sundays so that I can catch up on much-needed sleep debt! We are only in charge of what we can control, so do what you can, and don’t sweat the small things! By Emory Oakley. Emory is a writer and LGBTQ+ educator who regularly discusses the intersections of queer identities and mental health. On the morning of February 1st, my mother would smile and like a giddy teenager as she lined up the cereal boxes and state: “it’s only twenty-seven days until my birthday.” As if we hadn’t performed this ritual for as long as we could remember. She was always enthusiastic to celebrate regardless of whether or not she had an actual birthday that year. In reality, the entire last week of the month was all about her. Of course, the leap years were the biggest, but every other year was almost the same. Since there was no actual day to celebrate, “why not celebrate on February 28th and March 1st?” You might think this would be incredibly annoying, and while it was to some extent, it was impossible to be annoyed for long.
A lot of things from my childhood have been forgotten but not those birthday celebrations. I couldn’t tell you which events happened which year or what years were the biggest parties, but I do remember my mother’s enthusiasm. And everyone would have said she was the life of the party. She would inevitably be found in the kitchen – wine glass in hand, small ice cubes clinking against the glass as she danced lazy circles around the furniture or other party-goers. If you could really call what she did dancing. When she really got into it she would do this thing that can only be described as a jump-shuffle-dance. With her feet together, knees bent and ass sticking out, she shuffled backwards, sort of like a reverse bunny hop or maybe a two-footed moonwalk. It was impossible not to watch her when she danced, not only because it was quite funny to watch, but the way her face shone with joy demanded attention. When Everything Changed My mother died just before I turned eighteen years old and three weeks after I graduated from high school. That was more than ten years ago now, but as February 29th approaches I feel heavy. It’s a heaviness that even now as I write this I am having a difficult time describing. It feels almost like something’s missing in my life but not in a way that feels tangible to me. This is because my mother has never been a part of my adult life. Since graduating from high school I’ve come out as queer and transgender. I’ve legally changed my name and have grown into an entirely different version of myself. One that my mother never got to meet. So, while she’s missing from my life now and that burdens my heart significantly, I also don’t know what her being in my life would look like anymore. This is a completely different type of sadness. Does grief last ten years or more?For the last handful of years, I had a hard time describing the feelings I’ve had about my mother as grief. The way I feel now feels nothing like the first few years did. My mother had been sick for a long time before she died and I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to say goodbye. Unfortunately, these things did little to actually prepare me for her absence. The last year, maybe more, was spent making trips back and forth from the hospital. Picking mom up and bringing her home for dinner, or for weekend visits, when she was healthy enough. Then suddenly everything changed. My family home turned into nothing more than a few two by fours and a roof- a place to sleep and eat but it no longer felt like a home. That first year, grief pooled under my tongue, it felt like I couldn’t speak or swallow. I became well acquainted with the feeling of tears welling in my cheekbones, learned to lock jaw keep them out when I could. I told myself to be strong. That my younger sibling needed me to be strong. But as I look back now I realize how much this prevented me from healing. I needed to feel my feelings in order to let them go. Everything was a challenge that year and it felt like I was doing everything alone. The first Christmas felt hollow, I didn’t want to celebrate as there was no reason to anymore, and when we got to the first February I was barely able to function. I somehow managed to maintain my grades in university and show up at work but I was just going through the motions. Doing just enough to exist but nothing more. The First Leap Year The first leap year was 2012, almost three years after my mother passed. I was twenty years old and by then I felt like things had changed, that I’d grown up enough. I was able to look back on the amazing things about my mother and smile rather than just seeing hospital beds and blue gowns. But something about that February broke me open. I felt the hole in my life again and I was completely unprepared to deal with it. The Second Leap Year The next leap year was 2016, and this time everything was different. I’d come out as queer, been through years of therapy and was coming to terms with my gender identity. This time I felt like a new person. It had been years since grief had taken hold of me and I finally felt like I was figuring out how to be an adult. But when February rolled around I felt guilty. It felt like I was forgetting and that made me feel nauseous. It took more effort than I would have liked to conjure the image of my mothers’ smile and I could barely remember the sound of her laughter. It felt like everything was fading and I spent weeks angry at myself for letting go. I didn’t want to forget but I also didn’t want to cling to the sadness that had burdened me so significantly years before. So, I made the decision to write. I’ve been a writer for as long as I can remember, and there is something cathartic about having a place to put your feelings outside of yourself. But this time instead of writing into the sadness – I chose another path. That month I created a chapbook of poems that I titled Unsent Letters. It contained eight poems written as if they were letters to my mother describing my life and how things had changed. In those poems, I was able to come out to her and tell her I wasn’t her little girl anymore. It provided me with healing I never could have anticipated. Of course, I wish I could have spoken those words to her and that she could have met this version of me, but it was the closest I was ever going to get. Grief After 10 Years Now, things continue to change when it comes to my grief. I have casual depression. I call it casual because it doesn’t have a significant impact on my day-to-day functions, but it does make me feel lethargic and heavy some days. And I often feel a weight of sadness that is not caused by anything I can put my finger on. My depression gets worse in the cold, grey winter months or maybe it’s just harder for me to manage in the darkness. But in February, even though the clouds are lifting in Vancouver and the sun is starting to shine, I feel heavy. Sort of like I imagine a knight would feel in plated armour, my motions are slower and where I place my energy has to be more calculated. I tire sooner and I feel like I am not able to do as much and I dislike feeling that way. But it doesn’t feel like sadness. So today I remind myself that sadness does not always show up as tears. That my sadness over losing my mother has changed from a deep sense of grief into a vague sense of emptiness and longing. Both of these feelings are valid and have been a significant part of my process. But dealing with grief is never easy, so let’s talk about grief in a more practical way – and what we can do to manage it best we can. What is grief? And how does it change over time?Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering a person feels when something or someone they love is taken away. It’s common to experience all kinds of difficult and unexpected emotions, from shock or anger to disbelief, guilt, and profound sadness. The pain of grief can also disrupt our physical health, making it difficult to sleep, eat, or even think straight. These are normal reactions to loss – and the more significant the loss, the more intense the grief will be. The most important thing to know about grief is that there is no one way to grieve. And there certainly isn’t a benchmark for what is normal when it comes to grieving. As time passes, the loss doesn’t disappear completely and it probably never will but it changes. How to manage grief Most of us have probably heard of the stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. While many people do experience these, calling them stages can be problematic for many. Grief is not something neat and tidy – and it is rare for anyone to experience these ‘stages’ in sequential order and in the way that they’re described to us. So, don’t worry so much about the stages or what you ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ be feeling when it comes to grief. My thoughts on dealing with grief I have learned a lot about the grieving process over the years and here is what I think about how to manage grief.
Final Thoughts Remember that grief looks different for everyone and despite the fact that we are only given a short amount of time off work for grieving, that does not mean the grieving process is or should be over at the end of that allotted time. The first year is going to be the hardest because you have an entire year of first experiences without that person. If you are dealing with grief, no matter what stage you’re at or how much time has passed, and you need support- reach out. Sign up today for a no-commitment referral with a therapist at Dr. Joti Samra & Associates. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’ve always been a sensitive and emotional person. While I don’t think it’s a negative thing, I do find that I take a lot of comments seriously and personally. Often people may be joking, but somehow I interpret their statements negatively. How can I embrace my sensitivity without going overboard? The answer: I like that you have established a useful and realistic goal for yourself – to embrace a trait you have that, while not all negative, has some downsides for you in certain situations. Any personality trait or attribute exists along a continuum, and we all tend to have a set-point range where we fall along that continuum. The contributing factors are multiple, and ultimately a combination of nature and nurture: the personality and genetics we came into this world with; our early childhood environment; and important life events and circumstances (both positive and negative). Like you, I am high on the sensitivity scale. There are a great things that come along with this – sensitive people are more likely to experience intense positive emotions, tend to connect with others’ emotional experiences on a deeper level, are more attune to changes in others’ moods and, and have a strong ability to empathize with others. However, as you have recognized there are also downsides to being highly sensitive and emotional. You are more likely to personalize things, interpret things with negative intent when it may not exist, and overreact negatively to what may be a perceived insult. I suspect you are also likely to ruminate over things that have been said or done by others, have a hard time letting go of the past, and experience deeper hurt when it comes to conflict in interpersonal relationships. When it comes to our emotional reactions, the single most important factor that shapes how we react is our thoughts. If you are walking down the street, wave to an acquaintance you recently met at a party who ignores you, and think “I must have said something she didn’t like when we met” you are likely going to react negatively. If instead you think (as people who are high in emotional resiliency would) “she didn’t recognize me, seeing me here is out of context” or “she looked preoccupied with a phone call she was on” you will probably have little to no emotional reaction. Identify the automatic thoughts and interpretations that come up for you in situations where you react to others’ comments. Then ask yourself a few key questions: Is the thought/interpretation you are having realistic and accurate? What is the evidence that what you are thinking is not true? What alternative explanations could there be for the comment that was made? Then actively work on replacing the automatic negative/personalized thoughts with thoughts that are more accurate to the situation, based on a review of all of the evidence. I believe a core part of our life’s work is to continue to build awareness of who we are, recognize the patterns and behaviours we engage in that may be negatively impacting us or those around us, and work to continually improve areas of weakness. And you are right – the goal is to not do away with fundamental elements that make you who you are, but rather to embrace those attributes in a way that the positives are maximized and the negatives are minimized so that you are living an overall happier life. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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