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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I only want to take medication during more difficult or stressful moments in my life. Is it harmful to go on and off medication for my mood depending on how I’m feeling? The answer: It really depends. It depends on what medications you are taking; on their intended usage; on how you do when you are off the medications; and on your long-term personal and health goals. Your medication usage should always be discussed with an appropriate professional (family physician, pharmacist, or psychiatrist). The first consideration is the class of medications. Certain medications (anxiolytics, sleeping medications) are intended for short-term, as-needed usage (listed as “prn” on the prescription). They are often medications that lead to increased tolerance over time and as such it is generally recommended that you only take them when needed. Other medications (antidepressants, mood stabilizers, antipsychotics) are intended for longer-term (at minimum several months usage). Going on and off these medications impacts their effectiveness, as it often takes weeks for the medication to build up in the body to what is called a therapeutic or effective level. The intended or prescribed usage of a medication is also important – for example, an antipsychotic when used to target psychotic symptoms needs to be taken daily to be effective. An antipsychotic medication in low dosages may also be prescribed for sleep, and as such daily usage may not be necessary. It is vital that you speak to your doctor or pharmacist about the usage. Pay attention to how you do when you are on versus off medications. When you have gone off medication in the past, do you feel better and are side effects lessened? Does your mood remain stable? Or does mood become worse, is quality of life lessened, and is there an impact on your ability to carry out other day-to-day functions and obligations? Consider your longer-term personal and health goals. Is your ultimate goal to try to remain off medications? Are you trying to get pregnant? Do you have other health considerations that may be negatively impacted by the medications you are taking? All of these are important factors in your bigger-picture decision-making . Be mindful that no medication is benign. All prescription medications have an impact on important organ systems, with heart, kidney and liver being the main body systems affected. Side effects are significant for many medications. And, most medications result in increased tolerance over time and associated withdrawal symptoms when one attempts to reduce or stop usage. Many people are also able to effectively manage mood in the long-term without medications – through diet, exercise, sleep hygiene, and use of other evidence-based, non-pharmacological interventions (e.g., cognitive behavioural therapy). Ultimately, most of us continue to engage in a behaviour if the overall benefits outweigh the cons, and as such your medication usage needs to be a decision that is informed by multiple factors, including candid and informed communication with your treatment providers. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Emory Oakley. Emory is a writer and LGBTQ+ educator who regularly discusses the intersections of queer identities and mental health. Originally published on his personal blog.  September Sadness: 7 Tips on Managing Seasonal Affective Disorder
My mental health always seems to shift in September. It’s currently only the first week of Septemeber and even though the weather is still relatively good in Vancouver I have experienced a sudden and somewhat drastic drop in my mood. The problem with this is it always takes me a while to figure out its depression, or more specifically a result of seasonal affective disorder. Managing the impacts of seasonal affective disorder can be challenging but know you are not alone. The Diagnosis The challenging thing is that depression does not manifest as sadness for me most of the time. The most prominent symptoms I experience are feeling lethargic, fatigued or just generally slowed down, unmotivated and unable to concentrate, and feelings of being unworthy or worthless (often as a direct result of my productivity). As a result, I don’t initially recognize these symptoms as related to my depression. I simply feel negative about myself and my ability to perform at the level I’m used to. I also often feel guilty for what I consider being an extra burden to those around me because I perceive myself as being extra needy (hint: it’s okay to have needs and sometimes need extra support around our mental health). After I’ve experienced these symptoms for a while and spend more time attending to the feelings I am having it finally seems to click – like ‘oh yeah this is my depression settling back in’. The fun doesn’t stop there. When I do finally realize this is related to my depression, not as a result of my personal failing, I have a hard time giving myself the space I need. What I mean is rather than being gentle with myself I get annoyed that ‘I didn’t see this coming sooner’. Because if I had I could ‘prepare’ (yes this happens every year around this time). But, that is why I am writing this article. To give myself, and others who may experience similar things, some perspective on the experience. What would it look like if I did prepare? Of course, I don’t actually know how preparing for this would be for me because I’ve never attempted to do it. It does always somehow catch me by surprise. But I imagine if I did attempt to prepare it would impact my summer negatively. I would be dreading the coming of September more and worry about the incoming feelings (yes I also have anxiety). Why September?This year I was thinking, why September? particularly since the weather has been pretty good here. It doesn’t make sense that my depression would be starting to settle in yet. Seasonal affective disorder specifically may be more a result of the days getting shorter than the overall amount of sunshine. In the Northern Hemisphere, the days begin to get shorter at the end of June – summer solstice; the longest day of the year. This year on June 21st in Vancouver we had 16.15 hours of daylight (5:06 am – 9:21 pm) while on September 1st we had 13.24 hours of daylight (6:29 am – 7:53 pm). This is nearly a 3-hour difference. By the end of September, we are already down to 11.4 hours of daylight (a 4.75-hour difference from June) and the shortest day being approximately 8 hours of daylight (December 21st). Yes, it is technically a bigger leap from now to December in terms of total hours of daylight but that does not take the sunrise time into effect. In the summer sunrise is before or around 6 am, in September sunrise is between 6:30 and 7:00 am, while in December sunrise isn’t until closer to 8 am. This greatly impacts how much of that sunlight you are actually experiencing. And in September a sunset between the hours 7:00 and 8:00 pm absolutely begins to impact the number of hours you’re able to enjoy after work. But there may be more to it than simply daylight. Although this in itself is evidence enough for me to feel better about my experience. Back to school is a factor, potentially even if you’re not still in school. If you are in school the added workload and stress and simply the change can make this time of year more challenging. But for those of us who aren’t in school September still symbolizes a time of change and many of us feel a sudden and profound shift as we enter this new month. We see and hear all the back to school ads, people start to talk about fall, and it already feels like the end of summer even though it doesn’t technically end until the end of September. What Can We Do About it?If you’re September or fall blues are a result of seasonal affective disorder (SAD) here are some tips. But know that it’s okay if your productivity drops as a result of these symptoms. It’s okay if all you managed to do today was get out of bed and feed yourself. Life is hard, especially this year, and you deserve to give yourself gentleness. Also, remember that you are valuable and worthy of love regardless of how productive you are. 7 Tips for Managing Seasonal Affective Disorder:
Also, remember that if your symptoms are severe enough that they are preventing you from being able to get out of bed or impacting your ability to perform every day activities for a long period of time you may want to speak to your doctor or a mental health professional. Managing Seasonal Affective Disorder - What Works For Me I do try to do all of the things listed above but it isn’t always easy. Lately, my morning routine has consisted of what I call coffee walks. I literally take my coffee and walk around my neighbourhood for a few minutes. When I return home I try to eat (food in the morning is my biggest struggle) then since I work from home I try to do one activity that is good for my body (read exercise) often it is simply a set of push-ups or pull-ups but lately, it has been yoga. The next thing is to get into work mode (I work from home as a freelance content creator). Since my work is contract work there is no set structure to my day and I often have many projects on the go it’s easy to find my list of tasks overwhelming and not know where to start. So, I find that breaking my tasks down into days can help. On particularly bad days I break my days down even further. During my workdays, I also try to take regular breaks that are healthy for me. It’s super tempting to spend my breaks on social media (which I am absolutely guilty of doing some days) but the better thing to do is have a healthy meal, go for a short walk, stretch, or do something else for my body (I like push-ups). It’s also important to remember to be gentle with yourself. If you’re having a particularly challenging day it’s okay to give up on the task you’re trying to complete and try again tomorrow. It’s okay if all you did today was survive. Final thoughts Managing seasonal affective disorder can be challenging, particularly when it feels like it hits you all of a sudden and somewhat out of the blue (before the weather really starts to change). But you don’t have to tackle it alone. Even those who aren’t diagnosed with depression or seasonal affective disorder are also going through a shift during this time of year for a number of reasons. Having someone to talk to and strategize with can make all the difference (therapy changed my life). Contact us at the Psychological Health & Safety Clinic to book an appointment. By Dominic Brennan, RCC  My Anger and My Frustrations:
When we are frustrated at something or someone, we may get angry if we don’t know how to deal with it. But also, when we are angry at something or someone, the after-feeling can often be frustrating, particularly that we’ve let anger take over and it’s happened again. So frustrating! Then, we may get angry at ourselves again for letting that happen. So, we get angry when we’re frustrated, and get frustrated when we get angry. Confusing isn’t it? It’s definitely a loop. If we don’t deal with one issue, anger or frustration, then it’s highly unlikely we can deal with the other. And if we don’t deal with either, it can lead to depression; which can present as anger turned inwards at ourselves. If we don’t deal with anger and frustration it can lead to; depression, broken relationships, getting fired, regretting, resentment, getting into trouble, upsetting those close to us, damaging those who look at us as role models, and so the list goes… Anger and Masculinity There are numerous ups and downs in our life that may frustrate us and make us angry. Generally, if a man wants to appear powerful and masculine we may feel we want to show anger, as we don’t want to appear weak. That’s frustrating right?! On the other hand, frustration is often coming from a place of uncertainty, insecurity and when we sense our (or someone else’s) inability to fulfil our needs, which can be very frustrating. That’s a reason to be angry right?! There is a lot of talk surrounding the fact that anger and frustration are normal emotions, which in principle I have to agree with. However, when we really talk of anger and frustration it’s important to talk about the impact it has on ourselves and those around us. What we should do is normalize it to a point that it does not hurt us or those around us but instead, opens doors for a new way of communicating and being assertive. It’s also worth pointing out that anger and frustration do have a negative effect on our body. A raised heart rate and then negative energy can all lead to physiological issues with our health. Is it worth it? No, it’s not – believe me! Managing Anger and Frustration So, we can start by reminding ourselves there is nothing wrong with anger and frustration, as it’s a normal part of our emotional experience. However, there is a healthy way and an unhealthy way to deal with these emotions. A good place to start is understanding where our frustrations and anger typically arise. Uncovering your reasons for AngerAs we unpack our emotions, let’s look at what would be some general issues and examples of things that may make us angry or frustrated. I need to perform a certain way. Why can’t they do it this way? They have no idea what I am talking about? I’m being threatened! Look at the way they work? I’m not heard and my point of view is never taken seriously or listened to! I told them before! There’s no intimacy between us! Those demands are unrealistic! I’m never allowed time for myself! That’s not fair! I didn’t deserve that! I’m being targeted! Can’t they see what I’m contributing! I never get recognized for what I do! I need to stand up for myself and show them I’m a man and who is the boss! I’m doing more than others! They have no right! I’m stressed! There are plenty more examples that can be added here for sure and it is a good exercise for you to do so. What’s on your list? One way to start the process of uncovering your reasons for anger and frustration is by identifying what you feel is wrong. The list is the beginning of understanding the triggers for your anger and frustration. Managing Triggers Knowing the things that typically trigger your anger response can help you to identify them early and prevent the development of anger as a result of the trigger. So, once you know your triggers it’s important to learn to recognize these early on so you can take action and engage your coping skills. There are many different coping skills that can help to manage your triggers and a therapist can be helpful in helping you to identify the tools that are most effective for you. I love to think about it in terms of do I react or do I respond. A reaction is something that is almost immediate and without thought. Reacting can often get us in trouble. Responding on the other hand takes a little more time, and unless we find ourselves in a dangerous situation where reacting will save our life (fight or flight response), responding is the more appropriate technique to engage. How to respond effectively In order to respond effectively, we may need to take a step back in order to approach the situation more calmly and rationally. This could involve taking a moment to practice mindfulness and do some deep breathing. Or it could involve having a diversion or distraction to buy ourselves time to come back to the situation in a calmer state. For me, every time I get angry with my partner, or situation at home, I take my dog for a walk and practice deep breathing along the journey as I capture my thoughts and plan my response. It’s good to plan timeouts and diversions in advance with those at home so they know we are safe and just taking time away to cool off. After we have engaged in one of these practices and are feeling calmer, we can return to the issue that was causing us anger or frustration. Plan to return to the issue in 30 minutes to an hour, as important issues must never be ignored. When returning to the issue it is time to be rational, respect everyone’s boundaries, and be assertive in our communication – these are also skills we can practice with a counsellor. Final Thoughts Dealing with triggers is just one of the coping skills you can learn. Learning about dealing with emotions, developing a set of anger management skills, practicing assertive communication, stress exploration, and challenging our thoughts along the way can all be helpful to manage our anger and help us to become more effective communicators. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I can’t control my tongue with my spouse. I’ve got a quick temper, and sometimes I’ll just snap and say hurtful things I don’t really mean. How can I get this under control? The answer: Start by memorizing this: Can’t lives on won’t street. The word “can’t” must be reserved for the impossible. Learning to control one’s temper and change behaviour may be challenging at times, but it is not impossible. Often our behaviour doesn’t change because we make ourselves believe it can’t. So you need to first believe that you are able to change. All of us think about changing our behaviour when, for some reason, the cons of that behaviour outweigh the pros. Articulate why you now feel motivated to change. What is the negative impact on your spouse (hurt feelings), yourself (guilt) and the long-term health of your relationship? Think about why you respond to your spouse this way. Behaviours frequently are maintained because there is some short-term gain. How does your spouse react when you get upset? Does he or she give in to your demands, get quiet or leave you alone? Are there other, more respectful, ways you can communicate to achieve the desired end? Be honest with yourself about why you react the way you do. You say you’ve got “a quick temper.” Where does this come from? Often the way that we respond to others (especially those close to us) is rooted in our family of origin – i.e. the ways in which others treated us or the ways we saw our parents treat each other. Has this been a long-term way that you react to many different people in your life? What specifically do you feel you are reacting to? Remember that there is nothing wrong with feeling upset or angry. Anger is a normal, healthy part of the human experience and can serve a function in some situations. It provides us with useful information about our environment and is experienced when we feel disrespected, attacked or threatened, or when our boundaries are being crossed. Sometimes anger can be a “secondary emotion,” and is the manifestation of an underlying primary emotion that is more difficult to acknowledge or express (such as fear, hurt or insecurity). As you recognize, it is important to distinguish the emotional experience of anger (which may be appropriate) from the behavioural manifestation. Anger and its manifestations can become problematic when there is a mismatch between the trigger situation and the response, or when it is inappropriately expressed or done in a way that is hurtful to others. Whatever the contributors and reasons, it seems that you acknowledge that your response to your spouse is unfair and that you need to change your communication style. So make the commitment. Ask yourself what you will do differently. Be clear, specific and precise. Make yourself accountable by explicitly telling your spouse what you will be doing differently and ask your spouse to call you out when you don’t adhere to those goals. To work further on your anger issues, here are a few books you may find useful: The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner is a classic book on anger written for women. Beyond Anger: A Guide for Men by Thomas Harbin takes a no-nonsense approach to anger in men. Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames by Thich Nhat Hanh takes a mindfulness/Buddhist approach to managing anger. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question: Everything makes me cry: corny movies, sad books, even greeting cards. Am I weird?
The answer: Last time I checked, “weird” was not a category in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders … so being overly emotional is likely not a symptom of that. But in all seriousness, being easily brought to tears can be reflective of a number of things. First, it is important to appreciate that there are tremendous individual differences in our baseline levels of sensitivity, in the types of triggers that lead us to have emotional responses and in how those responses manifest outwardly (tears, anger, avoidance and so on). Is your tearfulness a transient state that’s tied to a situational event or a more long-standing trait? Are you someone who has always been sensitive, even as a young child? I’m not suggesting that you should dismiss your responses if you have always been this way, but it can at least help provide some understanding. What is the intensity with which are you are reacting? Are you starting to uncontrollably cry your eyes out at every long-distance phone plan commercial? Or are you simply finding emotions swell up easily for you (e.g., you get a tear in your eye but are able to maintain composure and easily refocus)? The former would be disruptive to your life; the latter, likely not so much. If the intensity is significant, pay attention to whether your tearfulness has been tied to any recent situational factors, such as changes in medications or health status, chronic sleep difficulties or, if you’re a woman, pregnancy or your menstrual cycle. If so, you may want to speak to your family physician to see if there is a medical or physiological contribution. Are there some significant changes in your life, such as death or illness of a loved one, dissolution of a major relationship, a coming wedding or an impending move? Often big life changes and stressors (even those that are positive) can affect our emotional threshold and make us more sensitive than usual. Ask yourself: Is your crying associated with significant mood changes, such as persistent sadness, loss of interest in activities that usually make you happy or overwhelming fear or anxiety? Are you isolating yourself, feeling less energetic than usual, experiencing sleep disruptions (sleeping more than usual or being unable to sleep) or noticing major changes in appetite or body weight? If so, your tearfulness may be reflective of an underlying mood disorder such as a depression or anxiety, and speaking to a mental health professional such as a psychologist can help guide you toward taking steps to improve your state of mind. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  How to survive Valentine’s Day being single
Valentine’s Day is challenging for many people, but it can feel particularly difficult when we’re single. This, of course, is not surprising given it’s the day of the year that has an explicit focus on couples, relationships and ideas of never-ending romantic love. Many single people will describe just wishing those days would hurry up and be over. As they feel particularly lonely, much more than they may at any other time of the year. So, let’s talk about how to survive Valentine’s Day being single. Making ourselves do something to rebel against the idea of Valentine’s Day often doesn’t work. A ‘single’s party’ for example can ironically have the opposite effect and further amplify your single status; and, having a first date just for the sake of a date certainly can feel fake and forced. How to Survive Valentine’s Day So, what can we do to get through the day on Valentine’s Day when we may feel particularly lonely? Think about just doing something for yourself that’s a treat or makes you feel special – such as draw yourself a bubble bath or make yourself a nice dinner. (Though consider avoiding restaurants as you’re likely to be surrounded by couples). This can be extended from just treating yourself to taking time to think about what makes you special. When we’re feeling lonely it can be easy for us to fall into a negative thinking pattern about ourselves that may lead to feeling unloved or unloveable. Take the time to boost your self-esteem by writing these things down. Consider writing about what you love most about yourself; what others appreciate about you; and, the special skills or talents you have that you are proud of or that others admire. Or spend time with someone you love. Valentine’s Day doesn’t only have to be about romantic love. As humans, we’re social creatures and are dependent on the social bonds we develop. The romantic bonds are not inherently better or more valuable than other relationships. Spend the evening with someone you care about in your family, or a close friend. Remember Valentine’s Day is a day just like any other (also true for the other holidays!) This can be hard to do when we are bombarded by images of flowers, balloons, chocolates and other testimonials attesting to one’s love for another person every which way we look – TV, stores, and even in our office. But it is just one day and there are 364 others that are not surrounded by multiple images of coupledom. Changing Our feelings about Valentines Day But maybe just getting through the day isn’t enough. This time of year many people find themselves saying “I love being single every day except Valentine’s Day”. If this is true it might be time to re-think your feelings about Valentine’s Day and why you may be feeling this way. How to re-think Valentine's Day 1. List the feelings and thoughts Valentine’s Day evokes for you, and try to specifically articulate what it is that feels emotionally upsetting or uncomfortable. Are you feeling lonely? Hopeless? Are feelings of being unlovable being triggered? Then, challenge whether these are accurate. (It being Valentine’s Day doesn’t make the thoughts true!) 2. Often there may be a tendency to fully reject the notion of wanting to have a partner in our life – we may even convince ourselves this is a sign of weakness. But consider asking this: why does feeling that we need another person seem awful?
3. Try to understand what it is you’re reacting to – if you are saying you “love” being single every other day but are feeling “awful” on Valentine’s Day, there’s a disconnect in the intensity of the feelings. Perhaps you aren’t loving being single as much as you feel at times. This may be hard to admit or acknowledge, but it may be important information in that it may motivate us to make some active changes in our life that can help us to work on changing our relationship status. 4. In the interim, it is okay to do the best you can to get through the day on Valentine’s Day – it’s a struggle for many people, not just those who are single. Regardless of how we approach Valentine’s Day it is important to remind ourselves that the negative feelings will abate (as they always do) and that the 24 hours will be over before we know it. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
Lately I’ve been feeling uninterested in socializing. All I want to do is stay home and have netflix marathons. I’ve been feeling like this for about two months. Should I be worried I’m no longer wanting to spend time with friends and family – which I used to enjoy? The answer: All of us can benefit from the occasional TV binge. It can give us time to unwind from the day-to-day grind of our lives and give us an opportunity to recharge. However, if your tendency to avoid people has been going on for weeks or months on end, there may be cause for concern. Periods of feeling down or sad are common for all of us; most of the time when we feel this way, we aren’t depressed. Usually, mood changes will go away on their own within a few days or weeks, especially as stressors that commonly cause these mood changes start to resolve. For some people, mood issues may continue for weeks or longer. If you find that you have been feeling sad or down and have had little interest in things you normally enjoy, like spending time with friends, for an extended period, it’s possible you are struggling with an emotional problem like depression. Depression is one of the most common psychological health conditions and affects one out of four people over the course of their lifetime. Contrary to popular belief, depression doesn’t always mean feeling sad or tearful – for some people, a “depressed” mood may feel like irritability or frustration, and for others it may be associated with feeling “flat” or feeling “nothing.” Depression comes along with other problems that may include:
If you are feeling any of the above – particularly if you are having dark thoughts – you should speak to your family doctor or a psychologist or psychiatrist. There are very effective treatments for depression, including cognitive-behavioural therapy, interpersonal therapy and, for some people, medication therapy. With time and the right treatment, you can get better. You may be able to access free services through your local mental health agency (see www.cmha.ca for a Canadian Mental Health Association office near you). By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I am admittedly a moody person – I can go from joyous to grumpy in a matter of hours without any real reasons. My wife recently sat me down and addressed this: she thinks it’s a sign of a mental disorder. Can’t someone just ‘be moody’? Do I really need to see a shrink? The answer: Great question. Changes in mood or emotional states are a normal part of the human experience for all of us. There are very adaptive reasons we experience a range of mood states – both those that feel positive, as well as those that may feel negative. Our emotions serve a motivating function, and they can communicate important things to both ourselves and to others around us about experiences we are dealing with. A number of factors can impact our mood: overall life situations, current stressors, or the amount of sleep we have had, to just name a few. Certainly there are also individual differences in personalities – where some of us tend to be happier or more even-keeled regardless of what is going on around us, others are more susceptible to more frequent shifts in their mood. So, the simple answer is that yes – sometimes people can just “be moody”. That said, frequent changes in mood can sometimes be a sign of a more serious psychological health condition that needs attention (such as a depression, an anxiety disorder, or a personality disorder). Other times, moodiness may warrant attention even if there is no underlying clinical condition. There are a few situations in which seeking some additional assistance may be warranted: 1) If the mood issues are creating some distress or negative impact in terms of your happiness, enjoyment, or overall quality of life; 2) If the mood issues are significant impacting other relationships in your life (e.g., with friends, your partner, or other family); or 3) If the mood issues are impacting your ability to effectively carry out other important responsibilities in your life, such as your ability to do your job or your ability to parent. You describe the changes in terms of extremes – “joyous” to “grumpy” with no reason can be completely normal for most of us on occasion. Now, if these changes are occurring on a regular basis and are consistently unpredictable it may be helpful to understand why. Certainly moods can sometimes change without any real reason, but often there are contributors (such as our stress levels, behaviours, or ways we are thinking) that can be the culprit. I would also pay attention to the fact that your wife is raising this as an issue – irrespective of whether there is or is not any underlying psychological condition, your mood changes seem to be having an impact on the quality of your marital relationship, and it would be helpful to understand why or how this is happening. This doesn’t mean that you are fully to blame, but any time any of our behaviours are impacting our partner it is important to try to work to collectively solve issues in a way that the overall quality of the relationship may be enhanced. Ask your wife how she is impacted by your admitted moodiness, and what you (and she) can both do that may work to improve things for both of you. You may find an initial consultation session with a professional who has expertise in couples/relationship issues may be helpful for both of you. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Emory Oakley. Emory is a writer and LGBTQ+ educator who regularly discusses the intersections of queer identities and mental health.  The Power of Emotional Vulnerability in Building Relationships
He looks at me and his expression is unclear, not angry but not easily pinned down. In the back of my head, I can’t help but think he’s mad at me. I have no reason to believe he’s upset but my insecurity tells me that eventually, everyone is going to leave. I easily believe they’re going to see the worst side of me and no longer want to be a part of my life. This time, instead of allowing these harmful thoughts to circle through my brain and ruin the evening with my partner, I smile. I ask him for a kiss and to remind me that he loves me. For many people, it’s automatic to attempt to avoid negative or painful emotions. This type of reaction is human nature, we want to avoid things that hurt and that includes our feelings. Although this can be helpful, at times, often it’s important for us to acknowledge and express our feelings. As well as be emotionally vulnerable with ourselves and the people in our lives. In past relationships, I’ve allowed my insecurity to take hold in a way that resulted in pushing them away. My fear of them leaving became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Though over time, and with years of therapy, I was able to acknowledge my feelings and vulnerabilities to myself. Which eventually allowed me to express them to my partner. Now, even though it’s still hard to admit, I can tell my partner when I am hurt, or sad, or feeling insecure and express how together we can manage those feelings to preserve our relationship. Emotional Vulnerability When some people think about emotional vulnerability, they automatically see it as a bad or scary thing but it doesn’t have to be. What is emotional vulnerability? It’s the ability or willingness to acknowledge (and potentially express) one’s emotions. Particularly those emotions that are difficult or painful. Emotions such as shame, sadness, anxiety, insecurity, etc. Though it’s important to note that acknowledging does not mean wallowing or becoming fixated. It has been defined by Brene Brown as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” The Benefits of Emotional Vulnerability One way to convince ourselves to make small changes in our behaviour when it comes to emotional vulnerability is to outline and understand the benefits of doing so. 1 - It strengthens Relationships Vulnerability helps to build trust and intimacy in relationships. Relationships, whether romantic, platonic, or intimate, are built on trust. Being emotionally vulnerable helps a person to build relationships more quickly. 2 - It improves Self-Awareness When you acknowledge your own emotions and are vulnerable with yourself, you learn things about your own behaviours and defence mechanisms. Acknowledgement and understanding is the first step in making change. How to Be More Emotionally Vulnerable Even if you’re convinced that being more emotionally vulnerable is valuable, you may not know where to start or what you can do to become more emotionally vulnerable. And it may feel scary at first. How do we acknowledge our emotions? First, we must observe and label our emotions. Observing our emotions is simply labelling the emotion without thinking about how we act, behave or react to our emotions, or how we think about our emotions. This means simply stating I feel sad right now or I feel angry right now – full stop. Next, we have to validate our emotions. This means reminding ourselves that it’s okay to feel whatever emotion we are feeling even if we don’t want to feel it. Then we practice. Once we are more comfortable with being more emotionally vulnerable with ourselves, we can be more emotionally vulnerable with others. What can we do to practice being emotionally vulnerable? One way to practice being emotionally vulnerable is to write down your feelings (or say them out loud). Writing down your feelings, like in a journalling practice, can help to create a habit of thinking about and articulating your emotions. Another way to practice emotional vulnerability is going to therapy. For many of us, our habits and defence mechanisms, like emotional avoidance, have become so ingrained that it’s easy to completely miss them. A therapist or counsellor is an objective third party who is able to point out these habits and help you to recognize and make changes in these behaviours. How I Learned to Be More Emotionally Vulnerable When I first started seeing a therapist I was even harder on myself than I am now. But I struggled to make any changes in my thinking or behaviour because I failed to notice the bad habits. One of the habits I used to have was continually saying I feel weird. Weird does not mean anything concrete and does not help me to deal with how I am feeling. My therapist continually pointed out when I did this and forced me to accurately articulate my feelings no matter how uncomfortable it made me. This helped me to not only realize how often I was resorting to this bad habit but encouraged me to more accurately describe my feelings. Eventually, I was able to make significant changes in my thinking and gained the tools I needed to better manage my feelings. One of those important tools was to be more emotionally vulnerable with myself and with others. Therapy changed my life. Are you looking to get more support? Check out the counselling services with the Psychological Health & Safety Clinic and sign up for a free consult today. Talking to a professional really can change your life (and it doesn’t have to be scary). By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Having a baby can be one of the happiest moments in a person’s life … yet it’s also high on the list of most stressful life events.
Most women experience myriad emotions after giving birth – excitement, happiness, elation and joy. In addition to the usual (expected) positive emotions, many women also experience low or sad mood, tearfulness, frustration or a sense of emptiness. These negative emotions are often a surprising reaction to what most feel should be a unilaterally happy event. This experience, however, is extremely common. As many as 75% of moms will experience the “baby blues,” which in addition to low mood can also include a general feeling of flatness or emptiness. Unfortunately, however, many feel a sense of shame in terms of talking about these negative emotions. What causes the baby blues? There are a number of factors that contribute to the baby blues:
But, what are some things new mothers can do to help lift their mood following childbirth? Managing Negative Emotions Following Childbirth Here are five tips for managing negative emotions following childbirth:
When should mothers get further support? If a new mother is persistently feeling low, flat or empty for more than a month, they may benefit from seeking professional assistance. About one in 10 women will develop clinical levels of depression that are important to treat early on. Here are some questions a new mother can ask herself to determine whether or not she needs the extra support:
If at any point you feel you are at risk to harm yourself or your baby, immediately seek help and call 911. Remember it is normal to feel low or have negative emotions after child birth, and it’s good to talk about it. It always helps to get support early. Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. |
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