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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Box Breathing for Stress
Stress is something we all experience to varying degrees, at various points in our day-to-day lives. When stress becomes unmanageable or our ‘fight or flight’ stress response is triggered, breathing techniques can help calm us, and help us make more rational and conscious decisions. Box breathing can work in high-stress situations by returning breathing to its normal rhythm. So, let’s learn how to use Box breathing for stress. Why practice breathing exercises? Practicing simple breathing exercises daily can help to not only manage your overall mood, stress levels and improve your focus – but this practice can help to prepare your body for higher stress situations so that you can preventatively cope in a more effective way. An added bonus is that breathing exercises are easy, can be done almost anywhere and don’t have to take more than five minutes. What is box breathing? Box breathing gets its name because there are four parts – like the 4 sides of a box. One full cycle through the 4 parts takes less than thirty seconds, but it’s recommended to practice for a minimum of three to five minutes. Why does box breathing work? And why is it important? Stress triggers our fight-or-flight response, and when this response is triggered, we tend to shallow breathe. But why is shallow breathing a problem? Shallow breathing can lead to a whole host of physiological symptoms – including, for example, changes in body temperature; lightheadedness or dizziness; or, feelings of derealization or depersonalization (where distance/perception can be altered). These symptoms can mimic anxiety – and so shallow breathing can inadvertently make subjective feelings of anxiety or stress worse. Box Breathing Technique – Here are the steps:
Then, repeat! You may at first find the practice challenging: don’t give up! Instead, reduce the count to three seconds and continue to practice. Once you’ve become more experienced with this practice you may be able to increase the count to six seconds or more, but start small. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My friend treats her dog more like a child than a pet. When I invite her over, she’s always angling to bring the dog along. I don’t always want it around, and she doesn’t stay behind to clean up the dog hair – how do I say no? The answer: There are three distinct issues that you are raising: your friend’s attachment to her dog, the nature and quality of the time the two of you spend together, and the respect she demonstrates to your home when she does bring her dog. These issues need to be separated and addressed individually. It may be that your frustration is compounded because you are considering all of these issues as one. The first relates to your friend’s relationship with her pet. You say that she treats the dog more like a child than a pet. Many pet owners feel extremely strong bonds with their pets, and people who don’t have pets, or those with less intense bonds, often have a hard time understanding this. Your friend may feel that her dog has been unconditionally there for her during difficult times, and provides her with unwavering affection and support. You may not agree or understand where your friend is coming from, but, frankly, the depth of her relationship with her pet is not your concern. Second, you raise the issue of your friend always wanting to bring her dog when she visits. This is not dissimilar to a situation in which a friend is always wanting visits to include her partner or child. I would guess that your concern here relates much more to your desire to have one-to-one quality time with your friend, uninterrupted by attention that likely becomes somewhat divided when her dog is there. A general rule when wanting something to be different in a relationship is to express to others what you do want, rather than what you don’t want. So, rather than letting saying you don’t always want her dog around, let her know what you are missing. Be specific in your request. You could say to her something like: “I really miss our one-to-one time together … I know you love [dog’s name], but I sometimes feel like we can’t hang out the way we used to when [he/she] is around because, understandably, [he/she] needs your attention too. Would it be okay if we sometimes hung out without [him/her]?” The final issue you raise relates to the respect that is demonstrated in your home when she does bring her dog. First, you must decide if you don’t ever want her dog in your home. If so, suggest meeting at her place or at an outside, neutral location when visits include her dog. If you are okay with her bringing her dog some of the time, then you need to directly yet respectfully address this issue as soon as possible. The next time you plan a visit with your friend and she is coming over with her dog, say something like: “I’m really looking forward to seeing you on Saturday. I was just meaning to mention that the last time you were here I noticed that there was a bunch of dog hair everywhere after you left. I’m happy to have you both over but would love if you could just stay to clean up the hair after.” There is no need to apologize. You will probably feel better after you directly address these issues with your friend. Be friendly and respectful in your language and tone, and remain open to the fact that she may not be aware of the impact that her behaviour has had. Then give her a chance to change her behaviour. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The answer:
May-December relationships can certainly work, but they are not without their challenges. Relationships, even in the best of circumstances, are difficult. And a significant age discrepancy amplifies a number of issues. Some of the more common difficulties that arise with large age gaps include: differences in hobbies, interests and social activities; a lack of things in common with a partner’s friends; having vastly different financial or career position, focus and drive; discrepancies in energy, including sex drive; health issues; and generational differences in life view and direction. One of the biggest potential areas of discord in couples that are decades apart in age is how they see their future, including having kids. The only thing you can do is have a very open and honest conversation with the woman you are dating. It sounds like she is viewing your relationship as committed, or at least hoping it goes a direction that is even more committed than it may be now. It is unfair for you to mislead her. If you are very clear that you do not want or foresee wanting children, you need to let her know in no uncertain terms. This may not be an easy conversation, and the reality is that it may be a deal breaker in terms of things moving forward for the two of you. You need to honestly ask yourself whether having children is something that you might change your mind about if you were with someone you loved who envisions having kids. But remember that rarely are we able to be happy in the long term if we compromise on something that is a substantive issue, such as expanding our family to include children. The best you can do is talk to your girlfriend about how you really feel. Let her know that you are into her, that you know she wants children but be candid about the fact that you do not want them and it is not something you will change your mind about (if that is in fact the case). She needs to go into the relationship with eyes wide open and make a decision whether continuing to invest her time and energy is worth it. Similarly, you need to decide whether being with someone who wants dramatically different things in life than you do will work for you. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I manage a team of about 10. One member of the team likes to dominate the conversation during meetings to the point that I can’t hear what others have to say. I suspect this person is insecure in some way. Do you have any tips on how I can get them to quiet down but not discourage them in the process? The answer: Being a manager or a leader can be a challenging role in the best of times. Concurrently managing team/group dynamics can be even more difficult, particularly when there is an individual who demonstrates behaviour that is disruptive to the rest of the team. It is important to identify and curb this behaviour early on, to avoid having other members of the team get frustrated, discouraged or disengaged. Although it may be tempting to wait to see if this person’s behaviour naturally changes over time, chances are it won’t – and it is important for you to have the conversation sooner rather than later. Here are some tips on how to approach the conversation with this team member:
Also, it is important to always keep some notes documenting any performance meeting. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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