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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  How to survive Valentine’s Day being single
Valentine’s Day is challenging for many people, but it can feel particularly difficult when we’re single. This, of course, is not surprising given it’s the day of the year that has an explicit focus on couples, relationships and ideas of never-ending romantic love. Many single people will describe just wishing those days would hurry up and be over. As they feel particularly lonely, much more than they may at any other time of the year. So, let’s talk about how to survive Valentine’s Day being single. Making ourselves do something to rebel against the idea of Valentine’s Day often doesn’t work. A ‘single’s party’ for example can ironically have the opposite effect and further amplify your single status; and, having a first date just for the sake of a date certainly can feel fake and forced. How to Survive Valentine’s Day So, what can we do to get through the day on Valentine’s Day when we may feel particularly lonely? Think about just doing something for yourself that’s a treat or makes you feel special – such as draw yourself a bubble bath or make yourself a nice dinner. (Though consider avoiding restaurants as you’re likely to be surrounded by couples). This can be extended from just treating yourself to taking time to think about what makes you special. When we’re feeling lonely it can be easy for us to fall into a negative thinking pattern about ourselves that may lead to feeling unloved or unloveable. Take the time to boost your self-esteem by writing these things down. Consider writing about what you love most about yourself; what others appreciate about you; and, the special skills or talents you have that you are proud of or that others admire. Or spend time with someone you love. Valentine’s Day doesn’t only have to be about romantic love. As humans, we’re social creatures and are dependent on the social bonds we develop. The romantic bonds are not inherently better or more valuable than other relationships. Spend the evening with someone you care about in your family, or a close friend. Remember Valentine’s Day is a day just like any other (also true for the other holidays!) This can be hard to do when we are bombarded by images of flowers, balloons, chocolates and other testimonials attesting to one’s love for another person every which way we look – TV, stores, and even in our office. But it is just one day and there are 364 others that are not surrounded by multiple images of coupledom. Changing Our feelings about Valentines Day But maybe just getting through the day isn’t enough. This time of year many people find themselves saying “I love being single every day except Valentine’s Day”. If this is true it might be time to re-think your feelings about Valentine’s Day and why you may be feeling this way. How to re-think Valentine's Day 1. List the feelings and thoughts Valentine’s Day evokes for you, and try to specifically articulate what it is that feels emotionally upsetting or uncomfortable. Are you feeling lonely? Hopeless? Are feelings of being unlovable being triggered? Then, challenge whether these are accurate. (It being Valentine’s Day doesn’t make the thoughts true!) 2. Often there may be a tendency to fully reject the notion of wanting to have a partner in our life – we may even convince ourselves this is a sign of weakness. But consider asking this: why does feeling that we need another person seem awful?
3. Try to understand what it is you’re reacting to – if you are saying you “love” being single every other day but are feeling “awful” on Valentine’s Day, there’s a disconnect in the intensity of the feelings. Perhaps you aren’t loving being single as much as you feel at times. This may be hard to admit or acknowledge, but it may be important information in that it may motivate us to make some active changes in our life that can help us to work on changing our relationship status. 4. In the interim, it is okay to do the best you can to get through the day on Valentine’s Day – it’s a struggle for many people, not just those who are single. Regardless of how we approach Valentine’s Day it is important to remind ourselves that the negative feelings will abate (as they always do) and that the 24 hours will be over before we know it. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Self-Compassion Journaling – Journaling Prompts
Journaling can be a great way to set aside a specific time to engage in self-reflection. It gives you the opportunity to explore your emotions while also identifying patterns. When it comes to self-compassion, it gives you the opportunity to identify areas for growth and self-acceptance in our lives in an intentional way. It can also be a healthy and therapeutic way of expressing yourself, which can improve mood and help to de-stress. So, here we are going to talk about self-compassionate journaling and how to incorporate it into your life including journaling prompts How to Start Journaling Beginning any routine can be challenging, so it’s best to start with tangible ways of incorporating it into your daily routine. This can include picking a time to engage in a journaling practice, set a notification in your phone to remind you, and have a list of prompts prepared so if you don’t naturally have anything to write about, you have an alternative writing topic. Journaling Prompts that Focus on Self-Love Here is a list of prompts that can help you start thinking about self-compassion and the ways you can re-engage with self-love.
Final Thoughts Journaling is just one way to practice self-compassion, so if journaling isn’t for you, or you struggle to keep it as part of your routine, that’s okay. In most cases these things take practice, so it can be easy to get discouraged. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Managing Self-Critical Voices
We all have that little voice in our heads. Sometimes it can be really helpful and motivate us to accomplish our goals, but other times it can be overly critical. When our self-talk becomes overly critical, it not only has a negative impact on our minds but also on our bodies as well as the people around us. So, it’s important to learn to manage our self-critical voices and practice being more self-compassionate Negative self-talk increases a person’s risk of experiencing mental health challenges. It increases people’s stress levels, makes them feel hopeless, and increases feelings of depression. It also leads to limited thinking, lowered abilities to see and in turn capitalize on opportunities as well as increased perfectionism. When these self-critical voices are expressed outwardly, they can also damage relationships. How to Manage Self-Critical Voices and Negative Self-Talk There are numerous ways to manage and change our self-critical voices and not all of them will work for everyone. We have provided some starting points for changing the sound of the inner critic. 1 Point out your critic.
2 Be curious.
3 Give the critic a name.
4 Try to use more neutral language.
5 Say the thought out loud.
6 Challenge your inner critic.
Final Thoughts You deserve compassion and there is no reason why you cannot provide it to yourself. Also, remember these skills take practice. So, as you’re starting this process, don’t beat yourself up when you catch yourself being judgmental. Notice it, the same way you would notice your mind wandering in mindfulness practice, be compassionate and empathetic with yourself and take one small step toward self-compassion. We can all learn to manage our self-critical voices and practice being more compassionate. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
How do I get the nay-saying voice in my head to quiet down? It’s with me all the time, telling me I’m not good enough and I’m going to fail. What are some specific strategies to think more positively? The answer: The power of our thoughts is stunning: thoughts can be both our strongest asset, as well as our worst liability. The way we think about ourselves and the future is integral to our overall sense of happiness and well-being. When we think hopeful, optimistic thoughts we tend to feel more confident, more secure, and generally more at peace. Conversely, when we think pessimistically we can find ourselves getting into a downward spiral of negativity, anxiety/worry, and low, discouraged mood. If you go to any local bookstore, you will see a burgeoning number of self-help books that focus on the “power of positive thinking”. When we are already feeling happy and enthusiastic, positive thoughts are easy, even if they may be slightly overinflated or grandiose. Unfortunately, if you are already feeling down on yourself, simply thinking positive thoughts alone is not helpful (and ironically can make you feel more frustrated with yourself). Although it may sound like semantics, a subtle (but very important) shift in your language can make a huge difference: try to make your thoughts fair and accurate. Interestingly, though shifting negative thoughts to become more realistic has the effect of making thoughts overall more positive. For example, the statement “I’m going to fail” is one that is negative and assumes the worst case situation. Unless you have a crystal ball that can foreshadow future events, this is not necessarily accurate and has the negative impact of lowering your confidence. It also can contribute to what’s called a self-fulfilling prophecy: basically increasing the likelihood that what you expect will occur because you end up inadvertently acting in a way that is consistent with your thought. A more accurate and realistic thought would be “I could fail, but I won’t know until I try and there is a chance I could succeed”. Most of our thoughts are unconscious (i.e., below our level of awareness). However, with practice and time, you can train yourself to become more aware of your thoughts. Try the following steps: 1. Start to become aware of your negative/self-defeating thoughts. It’s impossible to change your thoughts unless you are fully paying attention and catching your negative thoughts every time they come up. 2. When you have a negative thought, ask yourself a few questions:
Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Most people have heard of CBT therapy, but how many really know what it is? Don’t worry if you don’t, it’s one of those things that’s fairly challenging to describe. So, here I am going to break it down for you. I will discuss cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT therapy), what it is and how it’s techniques can be used in our day to day lives.
So – WHAT IS CBT? CBT is a talk-therapy that works on changing or modifying our emotions – or things that create distress – by focusing on our cognitions or thoughts (C) and our behaviour (B). Emotions are often hard to change in the moment. However, with practice, we can get good at changing our behaviours and thoughts, even when emotions are strong. CBT is not about brainwashing or rewiring our thinking. It’s also not about positive or excessively optimistic thinking. It’s about realistic thinking. When we’re stressed, anxious or depressed we tend to do a number of predictable things in terms of the way we think. Some of these include:
CBT helps us revise and refine our thoughts so they’re more accurate, and helps us draw awareness toward our behaviour so that we aren’t inadvertently reinforcing those thoughts. 3 ways to incorporate CBT techniques into your daily life 1: Increase awareness of thoughts now. Research says we have tens of thousands of thoughts a day – and most are automatic. This works well otherwise we’d be in sensory overload – but not so well if we have unhealthy or unhelpful ways of thinking. If the unhealthy or unhelpful ways of thinking become ingrained, they can have a powerful and negative impact on us. Becoming more aware of the thoughts we are having is the first step in changing them, or at least changing how we feel about or react to them. 2: Engage in the opposite action of what your natural urge is when stressed. This is a behavioural technique that is really helpful for changing our mood states. This is the case because our natural urges point us in the direction of short term coping mechanisms that aren’t necessarily healthy in the long term. How does this work?
3: Focus on things you can control – behaviour and thoughts – and keep in mind emotional changes will lag behind. Final Thoughts There is a very strong evidence base on the benefits of CBT for dealing with a range of psychological health conditions – whether it’s general stress or a condition such as anxiety, depression, addiction, or disordered eating. If you think CBT may be helpful for you, I encourage you to read more about it – we have tons of free resources on our website. Remember: Our thoughts matter. Our perception is our reality. Changing and revising & refining those thoughts can strongly impact how we feel. Considering taking that first step today? Good for you, that’s a big step to take. You can easily start by contacting the Psychological Health & Safety Clinic today. A little more unsure? Or don’t feel like you have enough time? Consider virtual (online) counselling as an alternative to traditional online therapy. All of our associates are trained in cognitive behavioural therapy as well as other therapy methods. |
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