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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The Question:
My friend is convinced she has wrinkles and needs to get botox. She has absolutely no wrinkles that I can see (in fact, her skin is wonderful). I am concerned about her warped perception of her appearance. Why can’t she be happy with how she naturally looks? The Answer: A woman's relationship with her appearance is one of the most complicated relationships she will encounter in her lifetime. The relationship is mitigated by a number of factors, that includes a strong sense of self, confidence in other traits and attributes she possesses, and her overall sense of happiness. Our modern day society, however, is wreaking havoc on the self-image of even the most secure women, and I am seeing in increasing number of particularly younger, objectively attractive women in my practice who are consumed with undergoing procedures to further enhance how they look. I think this is an artifact of a number of factors. We live in the age of a technological revolution where we are literally bombarded with myriad images, on every medium and form, that set expectations for what society’s ostensible “standards” are for beauty. One would be hard pressed to find a television show or film without a star that has either privately or – as is the current trend – publicly pronounced the cosmetic surgeries she has had. Gone is the shame and stigma with undergoing enhancement procedures. And, gone are the days where cosmetic surgeries were only for the very rich and famous. The last decade has witnessed an explosion of the range of available cosmetic procedures and clinics, and the drastic drop in costs has made many of these services accessible to the every-woman. Virtually all of us engage in some element of appearance enhancement – ranging from the clothes we wear, the grooming practices we engage in, and the makeup we put on. A decision to engage in something more significant (and arguably not benign in terms of long term health impacts) is a very personal decision. As a friend, your job is to support and not judge your friend for the very personal decision she is making; however, as a friend, it is also your job to (respectfully and kindly) express the concern you have to her. Start a dialogue with her about her reasoning for wanting to get botox. Most importantly, listen to her reasons, as that may give you an indication whether her decision is a temporary knee-jerk reaction to fleeting insecurity or unhappiness, or if it is a well-thought out, considered decision to engage in a procedure, fully understanding the potential risks. If the former, try to listen to support your friend as best as you can and ask her what you can do to help. Encourage her to defer the decision until she is in a better place emotionally. If the latter, focus on keeping your opinions to yourself, and maintaining the friendship. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question: Why do people like Valentine’s Day? I hate it. Not because I’m single, I’ve actually been happily married to my wife for six years. But she always gets upset when I don’t go all out or seem sincere enough on this one annual occasion. I’m a good husband, I think, and she tells me that I do loving things for her all the time during the other 364 days. So what gives? Why do people get so caught up in a single day that (I think) isn’t all that special? The answer: There’s no special occasion that men and women disagree about more than Valentine’s Day! You are like many men that I hear from: frustrated and confused about the (seemingly) disproportionate emphasis that their female partners place on this day relative to other days of the year. So, here’s the answer to your question in a nutshell: Women like Valentine’s Day for reasons that are, in spirit, not dissimilar to the reasons they like other special occasions. The day is a celebration of something very special in their lives – love. An informal poll of my female friends was unanimous: This is a day that women want to feel extra loved, appreciated and special to their partners. Chalk it up to the childhood dreams many of us women have about fairy-tale happy endings and knights in shining armour. It’s perhaps a little silly, and usually far from the reality of life, but certainly something that makes us feel warm and fuzzy inside. Here’s what I suggest: Rather than getting caught up worrying about why so many other people like this day, why don’t you ask your wife what it is that she values about the day? After all, it’s her opinion that matters the most. Ask her how she would like to celebrate. Then communicate – non-defensively – how you feel about the occasion. It may be that you are putting undue pressure on yourself and thinking she expects something much grander than what is actually the case. In his fantastic book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, Dr. Gary Chapman writes about the differences couples encounter when they are speaking different “love languages.” He articulates the importance of understanding your partner’s primary love language (i.e. quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service or physical touch) as a way to improve and strengthen your relationship. Special occasions – and the associated celebration of them – often speak to the different love languages couples have, and the differences partners have about how the other communicates their love. So, smile. Enjoy the day. Go the extra mile for your wife on this day, then ask yourself: Something that makes her feel extra happy and special can’t be all bad, can it? Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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