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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m gay, and no one in my life knows. Not my family, not my best friend – no one. I’m okay with who I am, but I am terrified to talk about it. I’d like to start with my mom – she’s going to be the most difficult, I think – very conservative values (but never outwardly homophobic). Do you have suggestions on how to have this conversation? The answer: Coming out can be hugely stressful, scary and challenging. Ironically, this process may feel most difficult when it comes to speaking to the people who are closest to you. I am happy to hear that you feel confident in your sexuality: Self-acceptance is a huge first step. The next steps toward coming out are also key; we are by nature social beings, and both need and thrive off social connections. Having the support and acceptance of those that mean the most to you is integral. You say that your mom will likely be the most difficult to talk to. My gentle suggestion would be to first come out to other family members or friends who you anticipate may be more approachable. This can help prepare you for how conversations may go, and more importantly put in place a support system for when you do talk to your mom. When you do speak with her, understand that she may express a range of reactions. In the best-case scenario, she may surprise you, and the conversation may go much easier than you anticipate. However, many parents – despite their best intentions and love for their children – may express sadness, frustration, confusion or anger when their child comes out. Keep in mind that the intensity of any negative emotions she expresses will likely dissipate over time, and may in large part be a knee-jerk reaction to hearing something unexpected. When you do decide to speak to her, have the conversation when you are both free of distractions and can have dedicated, uninterrupted time. Pick a day in which you are feeling reasonably rested and well from a physical and emotional standpoint. Start by telling her that you need to speak to her about something important and personal, and that you would like her to first listen and try not to interrupt or react. Let her know that you love her and that you realize what you are telling her may be hard for her to hear or accept. And then speak openly and honestly from your heart. Try to describe to her what the journey has been like for you and also express how important her support is to you. Coming out may be a difficult journey, so do take care of yourself emotionally and physically throughout this time. Engage in good self-care when it comes to sleep and diet. Exercise and minimize use of alcohol. Build a network of support that can be there for you as you start having these conversations. There are a range of community agencies and professionals that can help support you through this process. PFLAG Canada (pflagcanada.ca) is a national organization that offers support and referrals, and is available 24/7. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  As our world has become busier and more technologically connected, our lives have increasingly become more virtual and remote. We are now able to access a breadth of services – including health services – from the comforts of home. In the last number of years, there has been an explosion of online (virtual) health services – including online counselling services through video. This enhances our ability to prioritize taking care of our psychological health in spite of the myriad demands of modern-day life.
So, what is online video counselling? Online counselling involves providing mental health services over the internet (i.e online counselling). This allows people to connect with qualified mental health professionals from the comfort of their own home and without the hassle of commuting to an office. Dr. Joti Samra, R.Psych. & Associates is pleased to offer video counselling treatment services to individuals, couples and families for a range of life difficulties, including but not limited to:
Treatment approaches & modalities The way our stress reveals itself depends on myriad factors, including our childhood history; personality and genetic predispositions; how we observed our parents dealing with stress; and whether or not overt emotional displays were viewed as ‘acceptable’ ways to communicate stress in our family. Individual differences exist in the degree and intensity to which emotional issues manifest physically, but the most common physical symptoms are stomach/gastrointestinal problems (tension, nausea, constipation, diarrhea), pain (headaches, back pain, chest tightness), appetite changes and sleep problems. What can we do about it? Our team uses the following evidence-based approaches in both in-office and online counselling sessions:
With the Psychological Health & Safety Clinic, online counselling works (almost!) the same as it would for in-office sessions. To get started you would submit a referral request and rather than clicking on a preferred location, indicate your preference for online counselling (Check virtual health). Once the referral is received you will be matched with the most appropriate clinician for your psychological health needs. Our clinicians are masters-level counsellors who work under the treatment plan oversight of Dr. Samra. Once booked, you will be provided with instructions and support on setting up your virtual health software platform – all you need is a laptop or desktop computer, a private space to hold your session and a stable and secure WIFI connection! All online counselling services use a secure, encrypted videoconferencing platform. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My husband’s family keeps psychological illness in the closet. How do I discuss openly with my children their cousin’s illness without antagonizing my in-laws? The answer: Unfortunately, there continues to be a significant degree of stigma around psychological health issues. Statistics indicate that 1 out of 4 Canadian adults will struggle with one of the more common psychological health conditions (depression or anxiety) at some point in their life. There are two distinct issues you are raising: how to discuss the illness of a family member with your children, and how to not antagonize your in-laws. Separate these issues out and deal with them independently: First, I would suggest that you and your husband have an open and candid discussion about where you stand as individuals and as parents with respect to this issue. What are your respective beliefs about psychological illnesses? What are your values about what and how you speak to your children about this and other sensitive topics? What discussions are each of you comfortable in having with your children? If your husband holds some of the beliefs that his family does, this may be a challenging conversation. The goal is to agree on how to approach discussions with your children. There are a few things to keep in mind. First, my strong belief is that speaking openly with children about even difficult or sensitive topics is almost always the best approach to take. Conversations should always be age appropriate in terms of both the amount of information given and the language used to describe what someone is experiencing. Having open conversations about difficult topics with kids can open the door for them to communicate with their parents about difficult topics when need be. Discussing psychological health issues openly and respectfully with your kids also gives them a very powerful message: that you would accept them if they ever struggled. This keeps the door open for them to speak to you if they were to ever struggle at some point in their life. The second issue you raise relates to you not antagonizing your in-laws. In-law relationships can be tricky to navigate around in the best of times. Although being sensitive to this is important, to both maintain peace in the family and out of respect for your husband, ultimately you need to decide what values and behaviours you will model in your family and you need to stand behind this as a couple. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My friend’s boyfriend came on to me. She has no idea. I shut him down, but I think I’m hot for him too. What should I do? The answer: Stop and ask yourself one question: If the roles were reversed and you were in your friend’s shoes, what you would want her to do? Think long and hard about the answer to this question. Romantic relationships will come and go, but true friendships can be lifelong, so I would not even consider temptation. That being said, you have a few options: do nothing (always an option); pursue the relationship with your friend’s boyfriend (bad idea); or set some boundaries and ensure you do not betray your friend in any way (best plan). Think about how would you friend react if she knew that not only had her boyfriend disrespected her by coming on to someone else, but that her friend also entertained thoughts of getting involved with him. Being “hot” for someone can be the result of a number of factors. It can be pure physical attraction, which is totally normal. It can be the secrecy of the attraction and the fact that it would be taboo. It can also be alcohol induced. See the attraction for what it most likely is: nothing more than a fleeting sensation. If you find yourself fantasizing about a possible relationship you could have with this guy, ask yourself whether you would want to be in a relationship with someone who hits on his girlfriend’s friends? The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, and likely his pattern would continue. In terms of how to approach this, I would suggest one of two things. Since you already shut him down, you could ignore the boyfriend’s behaviour altogether and just ensure that you establish very direct boundaries moving forward. Do not give him any direct or inadvertent verbal or non-verbal clues that you are interested in him – and then wait and see. Perhaps it was an isolated event or other factors such as alcohol contributed to his behaviour, and he realized what a mistake he made. If, however, he continues to hit on you, I would speak to him assertively. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you are not interested, that you do not appreciate him disrespecting your friend and that if his behaviour continues, you will tell her. The issue of speaking to your friend about the situation is a more complicated one, and you really need to navigate this matter carefully. Whether you speak to her is going depend upon a number of factors: your relationship with her, the amount of trust you have in each other, how long she has been with this guy and whether she has any sense of his behaviour or doubts about his trustworthiness. It is also going to depend on what he did. Was he simply being friendlier than normal without crossing any real line? Was he flirtatious, but not overtly inappropriate? Did he directly proposition you? If it was a one-time situation, if he his behaviour fell in a grey zone and if he has regret and changes his behaviour, it may be best to not hurt her feelings by bringing this up. On the other hand, if his behaviour continues or if it clearly was in a category that surpassed certain boundaries, you may need to speak to her directly. Ultimately, you need to act in a way that is consistent with your values and make decisions you will not regret. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Xavier Mercader Psychological Impacts of Taking Care of a Child with a Heart Condition
I’m sure anyone who’s had a child, will agree that the birth of your first, is one of the most blissful moments in life. As new parents, you spent time reading about how to take care of a child (as if there was an actual manual for it). You prepare your future child’s bedroom, make lists of what they’ll need, buy clothes and attend prenatal classes. All in preparation for the day that will change your life. But no matter how well you think you’re prepared, whether or not you’re a first-time parent or if it’s your fourth child, I don’t believe anyone is ever fully ready for it. In my case, my wife and I were lucky – she had a really easy pregnancy. She felt great the entire time and was even going to the gym three days before her due date. Even the delivery felt easier than I thought it would – not that I was going to do the hard part – but men are usually more afraid than their pregnant counterparts; even if they won’t admit it. Our daughter was taking her time, so my wife was induced. The epidural shot worked great, and my wife was even able to take a nap before showtime. After forty-five minutes of active labour, we met our daughter and I even cut the cord without fainting! The first month felt like it went by in the wink of an eye. We were tired and obviously sleep-deprived, but we couldn’t be happier to have welcomed our daughter into our lives. The News During one of our regular check-ups, the doctor told us she noticed our little one had an odd way of breathing. So, we were referred to a pediatrician. The pediatrician didn’t see anything odd with her breathing but told us he could hear a murmur. He said it was probably just a murmur, but suggested it might be good to go to the ER to get it checked out. I don’t remember how many hours we spent at the ER or how many tests they ran. All I remember is hearing a doctor, at 2 AM, telling us “we are going to admit you” to the hospital. Our one-month-old daughter had a heart condition called Ventricular Septal Defect (VSD), that was causing her ventricular hypertrophy and as a result, was filling up her lungs with fluid. In one day, all that happiness and bliss turned into fear, uncertainty and doubt. We felt powerless, unable to do anything but sit and wait for the doctors to tell us the plan. How everything changedAfter a week, we were cleared from the hospital and given prescriptions to give to our daughter. Captopril to help her heart work better, and two diuretics – one to get rid of captopril once it had its effect as it has a certain level of toxicity, and the other one to reduce the fluid in her lungs. So as new parents, that a month before didn’t even know how to change a diaper, now had to cope with administering three different medications. Giving a child that young medication is extremely challenging; we had to ensure she swallowed them, without spitting them out or choking. Most times, we were lucky if she swallowed half. We were unprepared for this. One morning when giving her her medication, before leaving for work, I thought she was swallowing them just fine. Until she started to turn red. She was unable to breathe for a few seconds. I turned her over and patted her back till she finally spat it all out. I’ve never been more scared in my life. The thought that I could’ve lost her, had me shaking and as a result, I was unable to go to work. The days I did go to work were weird. Some days, it felt like everything was ok and other days, I could barely hold back tears. But most days when I came home I would find my wife crying. Typically I’m good at cheering her up, but this was different, there was nothing I could say or do to help. I worried about that a lot. I felt useless, unable to ease my wife’s pain. At times, being able to leave my place for a few hours, felt like a mental break from everything. But at the same time, I couldn’t stop worrying about my wife and daughter at home. It was tense 24/7. We would put our baby to bed, try to relax, watch some tv, but we couldn’t. Our Next Steps In another check-up, the cardiologist told us our daughter would likely need open-heart surgery. But all we could do is wait and see how everything goes. It would all depend on how well she was gaining weight. If she started to gain weight normally, it was possible she wouldn’t need the surgery. But if she continued below the growth charts, it would mean her heart condition was keeping her from growing normally (this is what they call failure to thrive). So, we tried our best to get her to eat better. But how would she gain any weight if she was taking two diuretics three times a day and she wasn’t finishing her bottles? Every time we went to her check-ups, she was below the growth charts. And every time we were told the same thing. “It’s too early to decide, let’s see how everything goes”. This made every feeding time tense. All we could think was “I hope she eats a bit more now”. After a few months of stress, we went from not wanting our baby to have surgery, to wanting her to have it. We didn’t actually want our baby to have to go through surgery, but we did want her heart fixed and to be able to leave the stress behind us. With time, our little one started to gain weight. We were told she was doing well but still needed to wait to decide about the surgery. Our, now toddler, was able to play and do all the things other children do, so we started to relax slightly. We couldn’t stop worrying completely, but at last, we received some good news. At her last check-up, we were told she won’t need surgery after all. She will be able to live a normal life. The Connection with Mental HealthTaking care of a child with any health condition is sure to take a toll on the mental health of their parents. In my experience, parents feel stressed, depressed, helpless and a sense of unfairness asking themselves “why does this have to happen to OUR baby?” This feeling of unfairness, also makes us feel alone and isolated. I remember going to one last prenatal class to meet with the group of parents after all our babies were born, to share our experiences about giving birth. There were approximately 13 couples and most of them shared bad experiences: they had either during the final stages of pregnancy or during labour, but all of their babies were healthy. They had the ability to look back to those difficult experiences with a smile. When it was finally our turn, we didn’t have a bad labour experience to share, only our baby’s heart problem. And that made us feel very alone. What I Learned About Managing Mental Wellness Although everyone’s experience is different, the following are my personal tips for a parent dealing with a similar issue.
Conclusion Caring for a child with a heart condition or other illness is a situation that no parent is prepared for. It can be physically and emotionally taxing to not only manage the realities of a child’s illness, like giving my young daughter medication, but also the fears associated with the illness and the unknowns that can come with that. Even though during this time you likely want to spend all of your energy taking care of your child, it’s also important to take time for your own mental health. Overall, you will be better able to take care of your child and manage the illness if you’re also taken care of. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My boyfriend wants to take erectile dysfunction medication to enhance his performance. Why would he want to do that? I think our sex life is great, and I don’t want medication to make it unnatural and weird. The answer: There may be a number of reasons as to why your boyfriend feels the need to take erectile dysfunction medication – getting to the root is key. Relationships thrive on communication and that includes speaking to our partners openly about our sex lives. Erectile dysfunction is the inability to develop and/or maintain penile erection during sexual performance. It certainly affects a percentage of the male population. Psychological impotence (complication with erection due to stress or performance anxiety, rather than physical impossibility) is the most common contributor to erectile difficulties. The issue often gets resolved when a man’s anxiety dissipates. Most men will experience this at some point in their life, especially when they are highly stressed or are in the early stages of a relationship. But the difficulties are often short-lived and do not create continuing problems in a relationship. In these circumstances, pharmaceutical intervention is not necessarily successful and I would not recommend it. Erectile dysfunction caused by physiological or medical reasons – such as a health condition or side effect from other medications – is less common. In this scenario, age is a primary contributor. The National Institutes of Health estimate that about 5 per cent of 40-year-old men will experience erectile dysfunction on an ongoing basis, whereas the number rises to 15 to 25 per cent among 65-year-olds. Your partner does not have a medical reason for taking this medication as you have alluded, which means he’s part of a growing number of men who use erectile dysfunction medication in a recreational manner. There could be a number of contributing factors for this. Your partner may be curious about the extent to which his performance will be enhanced; he may be experiencing peer pressure; or if he has had too much to drink, he may take the medication to combat the negative impacts of alcohol on performance. I have two main concerns with recreational usage. For one, erectile medications have side effects. They place stress on the major organs – in particular the heart, liver and kidneys – and the long-term effects are unknown. Second, there is some emerging evidence that men may experience adverse impacts on their sexual function and become psychologically reliant on the medications. Start by explaining these concerns to your boyfriend – especially the latter as it may serve to be the strongest deterrent. Then try and understand where your boyfriend is coming from. Perhaps he has some insecurities about his performance that he’s been reticent to share. Having an open conversation about your perceptions and feelings surrounding your sex life may serve to ease his mind. Tell him how great you feel about your sex life and suggest ways to add spontaneity and excitement to your intimate relationship without the use of medications. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
We recently moved to a new neighbourhood, which means my daughter will be starting Grade 9 without the comfort of having her friends there too. She’s terrified of starting high school without familiar faces and as much as I try to reassure her that she will make new friends she is still extremely unhappy. What do I do? The answer: The transition to high school can be a difficult one for many teens – the shift from being a big fish in a little pond to a little fish in a big pond can feel intimidating and overwhelming. Add on to that the differing demands of high school, teenage hormones, and the absence of other stabilizing factors (friends) and a potential recipe for unhappiness can be brewing. For all of us, situations feel particularly stressful when they are (1) unpredictable and (2) out of our control. Try to be mindful of ways you can foster a sense of predictability and control for your daughter. As a parent your urge is to want to protect your child from any hurtful situation, and often the approach parents take is to try to reassure through telling (e.g., “you will make new friends;” “you’ll be fine;” “it’s not as scary as you think”). Unfortunately, this is not the most effective strategy. Think about times you were in a stressful or upsetting situation – likely, someone telling you it would be better didn’t work. Not only can this approach feel like it is minimizing the concerns we have, but it can feel invalidating of the feelings we are having. (Most people take this approach by the way – not out of ill will, but from a lack of awareness of knowing what to do or say.) All of us have a core fundamental need to feel understood and validated, particularly when feeling stressed. So start by focusing on simply listening to your daughter. Do not interrupt and do not problem-solve – just ask open-ended questions to understand what she is most scared about (“help me understand what you are most scared about and what you think it will be like”). Try to get her to be as specific as possible and to go through all the worst-case scenarios she is imagining (e.g., “I won’t have anyone to eat lunch with”). You must resist the urge to tell her she is inaccurate or that what she is fearing won’t happen. Instead, ask her how likely she thinks it is that those situations will arise. And ask her what makes her think that is going to happen. Try to get her to verbalize the worst outcome and ask her to think about what the most likely situation may be. Ask her to be specific about what she is most worried about (“if you got to school, and you had no one to eat lunch with, what is most upsetting about that to you?”). Have her think about how she would deal with the worst imagined situation (“if you were all alone at lunch, what things do you think you could do to make the situation better?”). Encourage her to talk to family friends or cousins that are a bit older and can provide her some words of advice and comfort, as that may help. Then, just be there for her as a listening ear particularly during the first few days and weeks of high school. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Susi Bolender, RCC Vulnerability and Letting Go
In a time of uncertainty, our brains are hardwired for wanting to establish some control. Unfortunately, so much of life is beyond our control which leaves us feeling stressed out, anxious, and even depressed. For many of us, the idea of letting go is counterintuitive and opens us up to feeling vulnerable. But there’s nothing wrong with being vulnerable, in fact, being vulnerable is not only good for us but also helps us to form connections and improve our relationships. Brene Brown and Vulnerability At TEDxHouston in June 2010, Brené Brown did a groundbreaking talk on courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. This talk not only launched her work into the mainstream, but has spread the mission to own our stories and create meaning from experiences that are holding us back throughout the world. (You can watch the TEDx talk here). In 2018, I was fortunate enough to travel to Houston to train in two of her programs: The Daring Way and Rising Strong. The Daring Way focuses on courage-building, shame resilience, and uncovering the power of vulnerability. Rising Strong has the following objectives:
Through these programs, participants are encouraged to give themselves permission. Permission to be curious and open-minded, to take time to explore their feelings, to dig deep and not have all the answers, but instead find courage as they develop a way to own their stories and write endings in a way that feels best for them. During these programs, it’s also important to be mindful about being connected to how we’re feeling and intentional about breathing to develop stability as we work through the corners of our life experiences and relationships with others. We can think about vulnerability in terms of how we choose to understand and tell our story. What is Vulnerability We all have beliefs about what vulnerability means. It’s often connected to the idea of weakness – in other words, the belief that being emotional is a sign of weakness and that emotions shouldn’t be discussed openly. Most people don’t know how to talk about emotions. And, to be honest, we’re often too busy to even know how we feel. We may subconsciously think, ‘what we don’t know can’t hurt us’ – but just because we don’t acknowledge our emotions, doesn’t mean they aren’t impacting us. These ideas about vulnerability keep us cut off from developing meaningful bonds with people in our lives. They keep us separate, alone and fearful of connection. Vulnerability is defined by Brene Brown as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” The idea that vulnerability is weakness is the opposite of her message. Rather, viewing risking our vulnerability as being courageous is a way to build our confidence and deepen our relationships with ourselves and others. What prevents us from being vulnerable?As mentioned previously, when we are faced with uncertainty, it’s automatic for us to want to maintain control. This is the opposite of being vulnerable. Being vulnerable can be scary and it can open us up to the risk of getting hurt. As a result, many of us put up armour in order to avoid feeling vulnerable. Which, according to Brené, revolves around one of three methods:
In her work, Brené also talks about the idea of hustling for worthiness. In Gifts of Imperfection (a must-read, in my opinion!), Brené explains the idea of how we try to aim for perfection unnecessarily. Instead, we can start to get curious about why we behave the way we do and adjust our perspectives to open up to see that courage comes from the ability to practice being vulnerable. How to be more Vulnerable and Let Go
Participating in this program supports people to let go of perfectionism, fear, grief, sadness and self-judgement. We learn how to set boundaries with integrity and be generous with others to expect their best rather than fear their worst. There is also an opportunity to understand grief, loss, forgiveness, longing and feelings of being lost in your life. Some of these are very difficult and not often discussed, but vital in the process of letting go and developing vulnerability in owning our stories. Anxiety and criticism are other areas of focus and how we unhook from those powerful ways that we stay small. Result of the ProgramThe program is 16 lessons which can be done over 8 weeks. It culminates with a new, better-feeling story of our lives. A story that we created in a way that took ownership of our experiences, rather than let our experiences take over. The work helps us develop our vulnerability and see it as courage, to let go of old patterns and ways of thinking and live as the owner of our lives rather than a bystander. There are very few clinicians trained in the Daring Way and Rising Strong curriculum in Canada and fewer in British Columbia. I went to Houston, Texas in 2018 to have a fully immersive experience learning the material. I didn’t know what to expect, but participating in the training was life-changing. Working through these programs has helped me and so many of the people I am fortunate to support through their growth and change. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I had a huge fight with my daughter. She had only moved out last September to go to university in another province, and was home for the holidays. She hasn’t had a great first semester, and perhaps we were being a bit too critical of her while she was here. We ended up having a bit of a blowout on the way to the airport. She rushed to her flight and I feel we didn’t get a chance to properly make up. I communicate the best when the other person is in the same room as me – how do I best reconcile with my daughter if she’s miles away? The answer: Expressing how you feel to a loved one – particularly when hurt feelings or conflict has arisen – is so very important. Surprisingly, however, most of us struggle to effectively communicate with those closest to us. We tend to have the most apprehension and hesitation about talking – and making sure we say just the right words – to those that know us best. This is often because of the history (good and bad) we have with those we love; the vulnerability we feel around those whose love and acceptance we desire; and the consequences we fear of being rejected by those we care about. It’s important for you to communicate how you feel to your daughter as soon as possible. Time unnecessarily prolongs hurt feelings and may lead to needless animosity that grows. Avoiding the uncomfortable can also result in an easily solvable conflict becoming a larger-than-anticipated source of negative feelings in your relationship with your daughter. For many of us, communicating an apology in person often feels easier. Because non-verbal signals (gestures, body language, touch, voice tone) comprise a more important part of our communication than the actual words we say, in-person discussions about serious topics are almost always preferable. Sitting face to face with someone provides us with important feedback on how the person we are speaking to is receiving our apology. As this isn’t possible for you right now, you need to go with a less comfortable means of communicating with your daughter – via Skype or phone would be my first recommendation (to retain some element of non-verbal communication); by e-mail or by text would be my second. Open up the lines of communication with a very simple message: “I’m sorry about the blowout we had. I love you and wish I could apologize in person.” Provide a specific apology for the things you said or did that you regret. Then listen to your daughter’s perspective. Make a concerted effort to understand how she is feeling and the challenges she is facing. Find out how you can best support her. Ask her what you can do to repair things, and how the two of you can move forward in a way where both your needs are being met. Have trust that the foundation of your relationship is a strong one, and that you will be able to effectively move on from this fight. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question: Everything makes me cry: corny movies, sad books, even greeting cards. Am I weird?
The answer: Last time I checked, “weird” was not a category in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders … so being overly emotional is likely not a symptom of that. But in all seriousness, being easily brought to tears can be reflective of a number of things. First, it is important to appreciate that there are tremendous individual differences in our baseline levels of sensitivity, in the types of triggers that lead us to have emotional responses and in how those responses manifest outwardly (tears, anger, avoidance and so on). Is your tearfulness a transient state that’s tied to a situational event or a more long-standing trait? Are you someone who has always been sensitive, even as a young child? I’m not suggesting that you should dismiss your responses if you have always been this way, but it can at least help provide some understanding. What is the intensity with which are you are reacting? Are you starting to uncontrollably cry your eyes out at every long-distance phone plan commercial? Or are you simply finding emotions swell up easily for you (e.g., you get a tear in your eye but are able to maintain composure and easily refocus)? The former would be disruptive to your life; the latter, likely not so much. If the intensity is significant, pay attention to whether your tearfulness has been tied to any recent situational factors, such as changes in medications or health status, chronic sleep difficulties or, if you’re a woman, pregnancy or your menstrual cycle. If so, you may want to speak to your family physician to see if there is a medical or physiological contribution. Are there some significant changes in your life, such as death or illness of a loved one, dissolution of a major relationship, a coming wedding or an impending move? Often big life changes and stressors (even those that are positive) can affect our emotional threshold and make us more sensitive than usual. Ask yourself: Is your crying associated with significant mood changes, such as persistent sadness, loss of interest in activities that usually make you happy or overwhelming fear or anxiety? Are you isolating yourself, feeling less energetic than usual, experiencing sleep disruptions (sleeping more than usual or being unable to sleep) or noticing major changes in appetite or body weight? If so, your tearfulness may be reflective of an underlying mood disorder such as a depression or anxiety, and speaking to a mental health professional such as a psychologist can help guide you toward taking steps to improve your state of mind. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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