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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I only want to take medication during more difficult or stressful moments in my life. Is it harmful to go on and off medication for my mood depending on how I’m feeling? The answer: It really depends. It depends on what medications you are taking; on their intended usage; on how you do when you are off the medications; and on your long-term personal and health goals. Your medication usage should always be discussed with an appropriate professional (family physician, pharmacist, or psychiatrist). The first consideration is the class of medications. Certain medications (anxiolytics, sleeping medications) are intended for short-term, as-needed usage (listed as “prn” on the prescription). They are often medications that lead to increased tolerance over time and as such it is generally recommended that you only take them when needed. Other medications (antidepressants, mood stabilizers, antipsychotics) are intended for longer-term (at minimum several months usage). Going on and off these medications impacts their effectiveness, as it often takes weeks for the medication to build up in the body to what is called a therapeutic or effective level. The intended or prescribed usage of a medication is also important – for example, an antipsychotic when used to target psychotic symptoms needs to be taken daily to be effective. An antipsychotic medication in low dosages may also be prescribed for sleep, and as such daily usage may not be necessary. It is vital that you speak to your doctor or pharmacist about the usage. Pay attention to how you do when you are on versus off medications. When you have gone off medication in the past, do you feel better and are side effects lessened? Does your mood remain stable? Or does mood become worse, is quality of life lessened, and is there an impact on your ability to carry out other day-to-day functions and obligations? Consider your longer-term personal and health goals. Is your ultimate goal to try to remain off medications? Are you trying to get pregnant? Do you have other health considerations that may be negatively impacted by the medications you are taking? All of these are important factors in your bigger-picture decision-making . Be mindful that no medication is benign. All prescription medications have an impact on important organ systems, with heart, kidney and liver being the main body systems affected. Side effects are significant for many medications. And, most medications result in increased tolerance over time and associated withdrawal symptoms when one attempts to reduce or stop usage. Many people are also able to effectively manage mood in the long-term without medications – through diet, exercise, sleep hygiene, and use of other evidence-based, non-pharmacological interventions (e.g., cognitive behavioural therapy). Ultimately, most of us continue to engage in a behaviour if the overall benefits outweigh the cons, and as such your medication usage needs to be a decision that is informed by multiple factors, including candid and informed communication with your treatment providers. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Emory Oakley. Emory is a writer and LGBTQ+ educator who regularly discusses the intersections of queer identities and mental health. Originally published on his personal blog.  September Sadness: 7 Tips on Managing Seasonal Affective Disorder
My mental health always seems to shift in September. It’s currently only the first week of Septemeber and even though the weather is still relatively good in Vancouver I have experienced a sudden and somewhat drastic drop in my mood. The problem with this is it always takes me a while to figure out its depression, or more specifically a result of seasonal affective disorder. Managing the impacts of seasonal affective disorder can be challenging but know you are not alone. The Diagnosis The challenging thing is that depression does not manifest as sadness for me most of the time. The most prominent symptoms I experience are feeling lethargic, fatigued or just generally slowed down, unmotivated and unable to concentrate, and feelings of being unworthy or worthless (often as a direct result of my productivity). As a result, I don’t initially recognize these symptoms as related to my depression. I simply feel negative about myself and my ability to perform at the level I’m used to. I also often feel guilty for what I consider being an extra burden to those around me because I perceive myself as being extra needy (hint: it’s okay to have needs and sometimes need extra support around our mental health). After I’ve experienced these symptoms for a while and spend more time attending to the feelings I am having it finally seems to click – like ‘oh yeah this is my depression settling back in’. The fun doesn’t stop there. When I do finally realize this is related to my depression, not as a result of my personal failing, I have a hard time giving myself the space I need. What I mean is rather than being gentle with myself I get annoyed that ‘I didn’t see this coming sooner’. Because if I had I could ‘prepare’ (yes this happens every year around this time). But, that is why I am writing this article. To give myself, and others who may experience similar things, some perspective on the experience. What would it look like if I did prepare? Of course, I don’t actually know how preparing for this would be for me because I’ve never attempted to do it. It does always somehow catch me by surprise. But I imagine if I did attempt to prepare it would impact my summer negatively. I would be dreading the coming of September more and worry about the incoming feelings (yes I also have anxiety). Why September?This year I was thinking, why September? particularly since the weather has been pretty good here. It doesn’t make sense that my depression would be starting to settle in yet. Seasonal affective disorder specifically may be more a result of the days getting shorter than the overall amount of sunshine. In the Northern Hemisphere, the days begin to get shorter at the end of June – summer solstice; the longest day of the year. This year on June 21st in Vancouver we had 16.15 hours of daylight (5:06 am – 9:21 pm) while on September 1st we had 13.24 hours of daylight (6:29 am – 7:53 pm). This is nearly a 3-hour difference. By the end of September, we are already down to 11.4 hours of daylight (a 4.75-hour difference from June) and the shortest day being approximately 8 hours of daylight (December 21st). Yes, it is technically a bigger leap from now to December in terms of total hours of daylight but that does not take the sunrise time into effect. In the summer sunrise is before or around 6 am, in September sunrise is between 6:30 and 7:00 am, while in December sunrise isn’t until closer to 8 am. This greatly impacts how much of that sunlight you are actually experiencing. And in September a sunset between the hours 7:00 and 8:00 pm absolutely begins to impact the number of hours you’re able to enjoy after work. But there may be more to it than simply daylight. Although this in itself is evidence enough for me to feel better about my experience. Back to school is a factor, potentially even if you’re not still in school. If you are in school the added workload and stress and simply the change can make this time of year more challenging. But for those of us who aren’t in school September still symbolizes a time of change and many of us feel a sudden and profound shift as we enter this new month. We see and hear all the back to school ads, people start to talk about fall, and it already feels like the end of summer even though it doesn’t technically end until the end of September. What Can We Do About it?If you’re September or fall blues are a result of seasonal affective disorder (SAD) here are some tips. But know that it’s okay if your productivity drops as a result of these symptoms. It’s okay if all you managed to do today was get out of bed and feed yourself. Life is hard, especially this year, and you deserve to give yourself gentleness. Also, remember that you are valuable and worthy of love regardless of how productive you are. 7 Tips for Managing Seasonal Affective Disorder:
Also, remember that if your symptoms are severe enough that they are preventing you from being able to get out of bed or impacting your ability to perform every day activities for a long period of time you may want to speak to your doctor or a mental health professional. Managing Seasonal Affective Disorder - What Works For Me I do try to do all of the things listed above but it isn’t always easy. Lately, my morning routine has consisted of what I call coffee walks. I literally take my coffee and walk around my neighbourhood for a few minutes. When I return home I try to eat (food in the morning is my biggest struggle) then since I work from home I try to do one activity that is good for my body (read exercise) often it is simply a set of push-ups or pull-ups but lately, it has been yoga. The next thing is to get into work mode (I work from home as a freelance content creator). Since my work is contract work there is no set structure to my day and I often have many projects on the go it’s easy to find my list of tasks overwhelming and not know where to start. So, I find that breaking my tasks down into days can help. On particularly bad days I break my days down even further. During my workdays, I also try to take regular breaks that are healthy for me. It’s super tempting to spend my breaks on social media (which I am absolutely guilty of doing some days) but the better thing to do is have a healthy meal, go for a short walk, stretch, or do something else for my body (I like push-ups). It’s also important to remember to be gentle with yourself. If you’re having a particularly challenging day it’s okay to give up on the task you’re trying to complete and try again tomorrow. It’s okay if all you did today was survive. Final thoughts Managing seasonal affective disorder can be challenging, particularly when it feels like it hits you all of a sudden and somewhat out of the blue (before the weather really starts to change). But you don’t have to tackle it alone. Even those who aren’t diagnosed with depression or seasonal affective disorder are also going through a shift during this time of year for a number of reasons. Having someone to talk to and strategize with can make all the difference (therapy changed my life). Contact us at the Psychological Health & Safety Clinic to book an appointment. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’ve known a woman for seven years now. For the first three years we were romantically involved in an on-again/off-again relationship. She was the one who determined the on/off. I was deeply in love with her, but she was not with me. She married another man, but after six months contacted me, said he was abusive and that she should have given us a chance. She filed for divorce, asked me if I would have a family and a home with her. I immediately accepted, but shortly after she dumped me again. Months later she announced she’d met her life partner and hoped I’d be happy for her. It was devastating to me. She has contacted me again after four years, telling me exactly the same thing as before. I’m her true love, she made a mistake, she had a child with the wrong man, etc. I still have feelings for her, but how do I deal with this? What is making her tick? The answer: Well, I think we should start by talking about what isn’t making her tick – love, respect or empathy for you and your feelings. This woman seems to be completely oblivious to the depth of feelings that you have proclaimed for her. A fundamental aspect of true love for another person is wanting the best for them, and putting their needs ahead of or, at minimum, equal to those of your own. Her declarations of love to you seem to be guided solely by the fact that she is now single and desperately wanting a relationship. This woman has a sweetheart deal when it comes to you: she establishes the parameters for the relationship; she calls you when it’s on her terms; she decides when you will be in a romantic relationship versus simply friends; and, for all intents and purposes, she has effectively contributed to you being in a place where you haven’t been able to move on with someone else. Any time any of us are in a situation of unrequited love, or when we have been hurt by another, we tend to do one of a few things: blame the other person and project our anger toward them; blame ourselves for not being “good enough”; or excuse their behaviour by becoming overly empathetic to their plight at the expense of putting our own needs far below theirs. But relationships are bidirectional, and the blame rarely lies exclusively with another person. To effectively move forward emotionally, you need to look at the reasons you have allowed yourself to remain so engaged in this hurtful dynamic. Why did you allow her to establish the on/off nature of the relationship when clearly this wasn’t what you wanted? Why did you remain with her – and in fact go back to her – even though you knew she wasn’t in love with you the way that you were with her? And why are you even allowing her to engage with you now, despite the years of hurt you have endured? To move forward, you need to assert your position and gain control back. Likely, this is going to mean ending all communication with this woman. Given the depth of your feelings, maintaining a friendship most likely won’t work. Express why you are ending communication with her– writing a letter or an e-mail may allow you to explain the impact her flightiness has had on you. Then, stick to moving on and allowing yourself to be open to meeting someone who can provide you the kind of love you deserve. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My sister is a successful 26-year-old grad student. Lately she’s become more introverted, started sleeping more and become melancholy. Is this clinical depression? She’s started taking antidepressants but I’m worried that it requires more than a prescription. What do you recommend? The answer: You’re smart to be concerned about your sister (as unfortunately, many well-meaning friends and family will avoid addressing a loved one’s mood issues, even when they see that person possibly struggling). Certainly withdrawal/avoidance behaviours, increased sleep and low, melancholy mood can be signs of possible clinical depression (although an accurate diagnosis always requires proper assessment by a physician or psychologist). Since she’s started taking antidepressants, I am assuming that she has seen either a family physician or a psychiatrist who evaluated her and made a determination that medication would be helpful. Your thought that she needs more than antidepressants is intuitive – and accurate. The majority of individuals with depression require more than just medications. The research indicates that for mild levels of depression, the most effective treatment is self-directed “self-management” approaches (where an individual reads about effective mood management strategies and implements them on their own, or with the support of a loved one); for moderate levels of depression, self-management approaches combined with treatment by a qualified mental health professional who provides an evidence-based psychological treatment is recommended. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and interpersonal therapy (IPT) are the two types of “talk therapy”, typically delivered by a registered psychologist, which have strong empirical support for being effective for depression. As individuals develop more severe levels of depression, the evidence suggests that the most effective treatment often requires a combination of time-limited pharmaceutical intervention as well as psychological treatment. We know that the “depressed state” is a result of five main things: – Life situations or stressors (certainly being in graduate school is a significant stressor) – Thinking patterns (people tend to think more negatively about themselves, others, and feel hopeless about the future; thinking patterns are more self-critical and unfair/unrealistic) – Behavioural patterns (people tend to withdraw, isolate, and when feeling low or depressed do less of the things they do when they are feeling well, which makes mood issues even worse) – Physiology (changes in neurochemistry, as well as altered sleep, energy and appetite patterns) – Emotions (which may be much broader than just depressed or low mood, and often includes significant anxiety, worry, discouragement or irritability/anger) Medications help primarily with the physiological symptoms, whereas psychological treatments can help with the other areas. I would encourage you to speak openly with your sister. Take a gentle and supportive approach and let her know that you just want to be there to support her in whatever way you can, given that you have noticed she is just not her usual self. You may encourage her to see someone at the health or counseling services department at her university, as students can often receive free or low-cost services through their university. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My boss is incredibly skinny – I think she has an eating disorder (she only has one or two bites at any lunch that I’ve seen). Is it wildly inappropriate for me to ask her about that? I’m worried about her. The answer: Lower than average body weight (less than 85 per cent of one’s expected body weight based on their sex and height) and significant restriction of food intake are two hallmarks of anorexia nervosa, a rare but serious eating disorder. In addition, individuals have an intense fear of weight gain. They may excessively exercise and may misuse laxatives, diuretics or enemas. There may occasionally be elements of binge-eating or purging. Food restriction can also be associated with bulimia nervosa, which has the hallmark features of recurrent binge-eating behaviours (i.e., eating a markedly high quantity of food during discrete periods of time, with an associated lack of control during the binge) as well as purging behaviours to prevent weight gain (self-induced vomiting, excessive exercise or use of diuretics, laxatives or enemas may occur). Keep in mind that being skinny and eating small quantities of food for lunch may or may not indicate that your boss has an eating disorder. She may have a small build, have health issues that explain her low weight or be eating larger quantities of food at other times. That being said, you may still feel concerned. Your question then of how – if at all – to approach this with your boss is a difficult one. The fact that she is your boss makes this much more complicated than if she were a friend or a family member. You need to remain mindful of a number of issues. What type of relationship do the two of you have? Your concern makes me think that you may have some level of friendship or closeness with her that is beyond a formal employer/employee relationship. What is your guess about how she might react to you bringing this up? Would you be placing your position in jeopardy if you were to overstep what in some situations may be very clear workplace boundaries? Given your worries, you may want to consider very gently and respectfully expressing them to her. Keep in mind that she may feel not at all comfortable having this discussion with you because you are her employee, which is perfectly understandable and acceptable. If you do decide to approach her, make sure that you have some dedicated time to speak, that you are in a private location away from other employees and that it is not at the beginning or in the middle of a busy work day. Be very honest. State that you have felt nervous or unsure about how to approach this conversation and that you respect her privacy, but that you care about her and are concerned. Be specific, but qualify this by acknowledging that you may be way off base. Indicate that you notice she has lost weight (if this is accurate) and that she eats very small quantities of food. Ask her if there is anything you can do that could be of assistance, and if so what would be helpful. If she does not want to have this conversation, respect her wish and apologize for overstepping any boundaries. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I feel like I’m self-sabotaging my weight loss. I know what it takes to lose the weight. At 34, I’m not obese – but I’m chunky, and I’ve been skinny a number of times – but always put it back on. I can tell myself I’ll only have salad before I go out for dinner with friends, but inevitably end up eating junk and drinking beer. Why do I do this? Can you recommend mental strategies so I can get skinny and stay that way? The answer: An immediate observation: you say you are “chunky” and that you have been “skinny” on a number of occasions in the past, but have unable to maintain that weight. Rather than thinking in terms of any extremes, the first mental shift you need to make is to establish a realistic and healthy weight goal – both for the short-term and long-term. If you are aiming for a goal that is unhealthy or unrealistic, you are setting yourself up for failure. And unfortunately, this can contribute to a yo-yo effect in terms of both dieting behaviours and weight fluctuations, as you have described. You can easily find body mass index (BMI) calculators online which can provide you a reasonable approximation of what a healthy weight range should be for your height and sex. Speaking to a physician, dietitian or nutritionist can also help provide you with some guidance. Once you have revised your target goal, remind yourself that slow and steady definitely wins the race. Guidelines suggest that it is unhealthy to lose any more than 1 to 2 pounds per week – so keep this and your current weight in mind when establishing a weight loss goal. The principles of weight loss are not complicated, and as you have said you know what it takes to lose weight. Weight loss requires increasing activity, and decreasing caloric intake (through a combination of reducing the amount of food eaten and making healthier food choices). Be mindful of the types of limits and expectations you put on yourself – often, these are the biggest psychological barriers to not being able to stick to weight loss strategies: Black or white thinking when it comes to weight or diet changes is never effective – which is part of the reason diets fail more often than not. Try to not make “all-or-nothing” statements such as “I will only eat a salad when I go out for dinner” or “I will never eat junk food”. Instead, make realistic goals you can stick to, such as “I won’t eat junk food after such-and-such a time at night” or “I will limit alcohol intake when out with friends to a maximum of two drinks”. These goals are much more realistic, and you are more likely to be successful in sticking to them as you are not depriving yourself. Remember, you can always revise and refine your goals if you aren’t reaching your target weight loss. Finally remind yourself that weight changes take time. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dominic Brennan, RCC  My Anger and My Frustrations:
When we are frustrated at something or someone, we may get angry if we don’t know how to deal with it. But also, when we are angry at something or someone, the after-feeling can often be frustrating, particularly that we’ve let anger take over and it’s happened again. So frustrating! Then, we may get angry at ourselves again for letting that happen. So, we get angry when we’re frustrated, and get frustrated when we get angry. Confusing isn’t it? It’s definitely a loop. If we don’t deal with one issue, anger or frustration, then it’s highly unlikely we can deal with the other. And if we don’t deal with either, it can lead to depression; which can present as anger turned inwards at ourselves. If we don’t deal with anger and frustration it can lead to; depression, broken relationships, getting fired, regretting, resentment, getting into trouble, upsetting those close to us, damaging those who look at us as role models, and so the list goes… Anger and Masculinity There are numerous ups and downs in our life that may frustrate us and make us angry. Generally, if a man wants to appear powerful and masculine we may feel we want to show anger, as we don’t want to appear weak. That’s frustrating right?! On the other hand, frustration is often coming from a place of uncertainty, insecurity and when we sense our (or someone else’s) inability to fulfil our needs, which can be very frustrating. That’s a reason to be angry right?! There is a lot of talk surrounding the fact that anger and frustration are normal emotions, which in principle I have to agree with. However, when we really talk of anger and frustration it’s important to talk about the impact it has on ourselves and those around us. What we should do is normalize it to a point that it does not hurt us or those around us but instead, opens doors for a new way of communicating and being assertive. It’s also worth pointing out that anger and frustration do have a negative effect on our body. A raised heart rate and then negative energy can all lead to physiological issues with our health. Is it worth it? No, it’s not – believe me! Managing Anger and Frustration So, we can start by reminding ourselves there is nothing wrong with anger and frustration, as it’s a normal part of our emotional experience. However, there is a healthy way and an unhealthy way to deal with these emotions. A good place to start is understanding where our frustrations and anger typically arise. Uncovering your reasons for AngerAs we unpack our emotions, let’s look at what would be some general issues and examples of things that may make us angry or frustrated. I need to perform a certain way. Why can’t they do it this way? They have no idea what I am talking about? I’m being threatened! Look at the way they work? I’m not heard and my point of view is never taken seriously or listened to! I told them before! There’s no intimacy between us! Those demands are unrealistic! I’m never allowed time for myself! That’s not fair! I didn’t deserve that! I’m being targeted! Can’t they see what I’m contributing! I never get recognized for what I do! I need to stand up for myself and show them I’m a man and who is the boss! I’m doing more than others! They have no right! I’m stressed! There are plenty more examples that can be added here for sure and it is a good exercise for you to do so. What’s on your list? One way to start the process of uncovering your reasons for anger and frustration is by identifying what you feel is wrong. The list is the beginning of understanding the triggers for your anger and frustration. Managing Triggers Knowing the things that typically trigger your anger response can help you to identify them early and prevent the development of anger as a result of the trigger. So, once you know your triggers it’s important to learn to recognize these early on so you can take action and engage your coping skills. There are many different coping skills that can help to manage your triggers and a therapist can be helpful in helping you to identify the tools that are most effective for you. I love to think about it in terms of do I react or do I respond. A reaction is something that is almost immediate and without thought. Reacting can often get us in trouble. Responding on the other hand takes a little more time, and unless we find ourselves in a dangerous situation where reacting will save our life (fight or flight response), responding is the more appropriate technique to engage. How to respond effectively In order to respond effectively, we may need to take a step back in order to approach the situation more calmly and rationally. This could involve taking a moment to practice mindfulness and do some deep breathing. Or it could involve having a diversion or distraction to buy ourselves time to come back to the situation in a calmer state. For me, every time I get angry with my partner, or situation at home, I take my dog for a walk and practice deep breathing along the journey as I capture my thoughts and plan my response. It’s good to plan timeouts and diversions in advance with those at home so they know we are safe and just taking time away to cool off. After we have engaged in one of these practices and are feeling calmer, we can return to the issue that was causing us anger or frustration. Plan to return to the issue in 30 minutes to an hour, as important issues must never be ignored. When returning to the issue it is time to be rational, respect everyone’s boundaries, and be assertive in our communication – these are also skills we can practice with a counsellor. Final Thoughts Dealing with triggers is just one of the coping skills you can learn. Learning about dealing with emotions, developing a set of anger management skills, practicing assertive communication, stress exploration, and challenging our thoughts along the way can all be helpful to manage our anger and help us to become more effective communicators. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  As it becomes more common and easier to talk about mental health-related issues, more and more people are seeking support from mental health professionals. However, many people are still uncertain or wary of the process and are unsure about whether or not therapy will work for them.
At the risk of sounding biased, I firmly believe we can all benefit from the support, perspective, and guidance of an objective, competent, and specialized professional for various issues at different points in our lives. This is true for any area of life with which we are struggling – physical health (physician), our taxes (accountant), selling a home (realtor), or our emotional health (psychologist/clinical counsellor). Research indicates that individuals with the most common types of psychological concerns (i.e., uncomplicated depression, anxiety, and relationship difficulties) experience significant benefit after an average of 12 to 16 treatment sessions. Individuals with more complicated histories or concerns (such as childhood history of trauma or chronic suicidality) experience benefit with about 24 sessions. But, what if you’ve already started therapy and are feeling like it isn’t working for you? It is wise to pay attention to the feeling you have that your current therapy is not helping, as that is giving you an important message that you need to do something different. The beneficial impact of therapy is dependent on a number of important factors. Here are a few things to consider: 1. The professional relationship As with any other relationship with a professional, a good fit between you and the service provider is important. Even more so with a therapist/client relationship, given that people are exposing themselves emotionally and are addressing issues such as fears, insecurities, and other core vulnerabilities. Things to keep in mind when assessing fit with a psychologist or other mental health professional are their approach, style, and personality. 2. Consider the issues you came to therapy to address Some practitioners have specialized areas of focus in terms of the types of clients and treatment modalities they use, whereas others are more general. Consider why you came to therapy and find out if the therapist you are seeing has expertise in dealing with your specific issues. 3. Competence levels In every single profession, individuals range in terms of their competence levels. Ensure the psychologist is up to date on advances in treatment approaches and takes an evidence-based treatment approach (which means providing treatment techniques that research has shown are effective). Ask the psychologist directly about the types of treatment approaches they use and the rationale for them. 4. Communicate your feelings about treatment to the psychologist A good psychologist will not get defensive, and will openly address your frustration with the lack of progress. They should suggest a different treatment approach, or suggest an alternate type of treatment and/or alternate professional. If, after considering the above, you feel that there are still no shifts or improvements, I would suggest seeking out a different provider, rather than giving up on therapy – as the research is very clear: therapy works! Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’ve been divorced for a few years and have two children, 10 and 8. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about a year and half. I want to introduce my children to her, but I’m unsure if it’s too soon. My girlfriend wants to meet them as well and is very supportive. But I fear putting them in an uncomfortable emotional state, if perhaps something doesn’t work out or they struggle with the new person in my life. What should I do? The answer: It is extremely difficult for many people to gauge just what the right timing is for introducing a new partner into the lives of their children. Concern about distressing your kids, worry about their reaction and acceptance, and the uncertainty of your future with your partner are all very common, natural and valid concerns. But, here’s the bottom line: there is never going to be the perfect time to take this pivotal step. There are, however, multiple considerations for you to be mindful of before you proceed: how serious your relationship with your girlfriend is and whether you picture her in your future; the willingness, interest and expectations she has about being a part of your children’s lives; and the developmental and emotional state of your children. A year and a half is a pretty substantial period of time to be together. Ask yourself candidly where you see the relationship going – are you in love with her? Do you picture her in your foreseeable future? And most importantly do the two of you have shared values when it comes to the big ticket items – love, respect, kindness, fidelity? Her willingness and support when it comes to meeting your children is a positive sign. If you haven’t already, be sure that you have a discussion with her about your worries. Ask her what her expectations are for the role she wants in their lives. Does this match up with what you desire? Are there any hurdles you anticipate when it comes to your children’s biological mother’s acceptance of your girlfriend, and if so are you in a position to have a respectful, helpful conversation with your ex about how she feels about this next step? Are you able to enlist her support in speaking to your kids (if this is at all possible, it can be extremely helpful). There’s no perfect age for kids to be introduced to a new partner. Most children – kids, teens, and adults alike – are likely to have some mixed and negative feelings about the introduction of a new partner. The best thing you can do is prepare your children and given them some amount of control over the process. For all of us, having some element of control (even just perceived control) and predictability over potentially upsetting events helps us cope better. Let them know you have someone important in your life that you would like them to meet. Follow their lead with questions – and answer as honestly as you can (Is she your girlfriend? How long have you known her? Is she going to live with us?). Then let your children know you would like them to meet her. Be careful to not place them in the position of making a decision about whether or not they want to meet her (as that would place an undue burden on them) but where and when would work (“would you like her to come to our house for dinner one day, or would you like to meet her at the park?”). Reassure them that it’s ok if they feel confused about her being in your life. Make sure that throughout the process, you communicate two key messages: that your love for them will not in any way be impacted, and that your girlfriend will not take the place of their mother. Keep in mind that there is never any certainty about the future of any relationship, that your children will probably be upset for some period of time but they will adjust, and that you have a right to move forward in your personal life as well. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Vanessa Rouzier, RCC  Mindfulness can be defined as the action to observe what is happening while it is happening, in a non-judgmental and non-reactive way. While practicing mindfulness, you learn to pay attention to external stimuli (what you see, hear, touch, smell or taste) as well as internal stimuli (your body sensations, emotions and thoughts). One way to practice mindfulness is through mindful eating.
Science tells us being intentionally and actively mindful has so many positive benefits on our psychological health. These include, but are not limited to; reduction of stress, reduced rumination, decreased symptoms of depression & anxiety, less emotional reactivity & more effective emotion regulation, increased focus, enhanced cognitive flexibility, and improved working memory. Mindfulness is a skill we can learn to foster, enhance and implement across all areas of our life. Why apply mindfulness to eating? In a society of performance, where we always feel the need to do and have more, it’s easy to become disconnected from our experience of eating. This can lead to poor eating habits. We are eating mindlessly when we finish a bag of chips or cookies without realizing it, when we don’t really taste our food, or when we grab something to eat by habit without considering whether or not we are hungry. Mindfulness eating can help you slow down, fully engage with the experience of eating, and become more aware of the biological signals of hunger and satiety. It can take a couple of minutes for your brain to receive the signal from the digestive system that you’re full. As a result, when you the time to eat and be fully present during a meal you will notice when you’re full which helps you avoid eating more than what your body needs. The general idea is to learn to trust your body as a guide for when, why, what and how to eat. Strategies to be a Mindful Eater 1) Truly engage in the experience of eating
2) Slow down!
3) Notice how you feel
Final thoughts If you made an eating choice that triggered physical or emotional discomfort, don’t be hard on yourself. Try to see this experience as an opportunity to learn about yourself and what your body needs. Change can take time and practice. Have some self-compassion as you learn to engage with mindful eating habits and become a more mindful eater. |
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