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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I love being single, every day of the year except Valentine’s Day. For 24 hours I feel like I need another person in my life. It’s an awful feeling. What do you recommend I do to avoid this? I can’t do another ‘single’s party’ or first date. It all seems so fake. The answer: Ask yourself this: why does feeling that you need another person seem awful? Think about why you are rejecting any notion of being in a couple. As humans we are social creatures, who both need other people in our life, and need to be needed by others. Think about what this is about for you – do you feel it is a sign of weakness to need another? Is this a barrier for you in terms of actively pursuing or acting on a connection with someone? That said, certain days of the year can feel particularly difficult if you are single – and Valentine’s Day falls at the top of that list. This of course is not surprising given that it is the day of the year that has an explicit focus on couples, relationships and ideas of never-ending romantic love. Other special days such as Christmas, New Year’s and birthdays are also ones that can be hard hitters. Many single people will describe just wishing that those days would hurry up and be over, as they feel particularly lonely on those days, much more than they may at any other time of the year. Making yourself do something to rebel against the idea of Valentine’s Day often doesn’t work. A ‘single’s party’ for example can ironically have the opposite effect and further amplify your single status; and, having a first date just for the sake of a date certainly can feel fake and forced. Instead, think about just doing something for yourself that is a treat or makes you feel special – a massage, an indulgent gift, or a short trip away. Try to understand what it is that you are reacting you – you say that you “love” being single every other day but feeling “awful” on Valentine’s Day. There appears to be a disconnect for me in the intensity of the feelings you are having. You are wishing that your relationship status was different, and perhaps you aren’t loving being single as much as you feel at times. This may be hard to admit or acknowledge to yourself, but may be important information in that it may motivate you to make some active changes in your life that can help you to work on changing your relationship status. For the interim, to get through the day, remember that Valentine’s Day is a day just like any other (also true for the other holidays!). This can be hard to do when we are bombarded by images of flowers, balloons, chocolates and other testimonials attesting to one’s love for another person every which way we look – TV, stores, and even in your office. But it is just one day and there are 364 others that are not surrounded with multiple images of coupledom. Remind yourself that your negative feelings will abate (as they always do) and that the 24 hours will be over before you know it. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Navigating Valentine’s Day when partners don’t agree about its significance
For heterosexual couples, there’s no special occasion that men and women disagree about more than Valentine’s Day! Many men that I hear from are frustrated and confused about the (seemingly) disproportionate emphasis that their female partners place on this day relative to other days of the year. Why do women like Valentine’s Day and place more importance on it? Let’s talk about it! Note this article is not intended to exclude same-sex couples, but rather to address some of the significant sex differences that do exist between men and women when it comes to Valentine’s Day. Why do women like Valentine’s Day? So, let me explain why I think women like Valentine’s Day. They like Valentine’s Day for reasons that are, in spirit, not dissimilar to the reasons they like other special occasions. The day is a celebration of something very special in their lives – love. An informal poll of my female friends was unanimous. This is a day that women want to feel extra loved, appreciated and special to their partners. Chalk it up to the childhood dreams many of us women have about fairy-tale happy endings and knights in shining armour. It’s perhaps a little silly, and usually far from the reality of life, but certainly, something that makes many feel warm and fuzzy inside. How to navigate Valentine’s Day without feeling like you’re letting your partner down Here’s what I suggest:
Love Languages In his fantastic book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, Dr. Gary Chapman writes about the differences couples encounter when they are speaking different “love languages.” He articulates the importance of understanding your partner’s primary love language (i.e. quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service or physical touch) as a way to improve and strengthen your relationship. Special occasions – and the associated celebration of them – often speak to the different love languages couples have, and the differences partners have about how the other communicates their love. So, smile. Enjoy the day. Go the extra mile for your partner on this day, then ask yourself: Something that makes her feel extra happy and special can’t be all bad, can it? By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My friends are getting a divorce and I’m afraid I’ll be caught in the middle. Even though I didn’t initially know my girlfriend’s soon-to-be ex-husband, I have formed a close relationship with him during their relationship. Now, I’m worried my girlfriend will expect me to support her fully through this. How do I avoid taking sides, will I still be alienating both of them? The answer: Having a strong bond with two friends who are in the process of divorcing is a very tricky situation to be in, and it’s wise that you are considering how to thoughtfully navigate these waters. This is a very emotionally tumultuous time for both of your friends, and a period during which they will be leaning on those close to them for support and friendship. One or both of them may have expectations of which mutual friends will side with whom, and it would be not at all unusual if they have a hypersensitivity to any signs of actual or perceived betrayal from their friends. The best way to approach this, given you have a feeling of loyalty to both, is to put the issues on the table and have a candid conversation with each of your friends (individually) about the position you feel you are in, and how to move forward in a way that is respectful and helpful to each of them. As your initial friendship was with your girlfriend, I would start by speaking to her. Think about how you would feel if you were in her situation; I certainly know if I were her, I would appreciate and feel respected to have you approach me first. Put out there the truth of how you feel – that you value your friendship, that (as she is aware) you have also over the years formed a friendship with her husband, and that you feel stuck in the middle. Let her know you want to support her but aren’t sure how to best do this in a way that no one gets hurt. Ask her what her expectations are. The best-case situation is that she understands the position that you are in, and doesn’t hold it against you that you also have a friendship with her husband. The two of you can then come to some agreements about how you can offer her support, while still maintaining your friendship with her ex. I’ve been in this situation myself, and I found the best thing I could do was let each friend know that I was there to listen to them if they needed support, that I would maintain the confidentiality of what each of them told me, and that I would not engage in conversation where one partner wanted to extract information from me about the other (e.g., who they are dating, what they are saying about the other, etc.). If both parties are mature and empathetic to your position, this can work well. Your primary challenge will be to ensure that you stick to the boundaries you have established, and be mindful and attentive if either friend strays from the agreed-upon parameters. It would be natural if you found yourself siding a bit more with one friend over the other, but you will have to rigidly adhere to not verbalizing this if you hope to maintain both friendships in the long term. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Online Counselling Services: Understanding Your Options
Online counselling services are becoming more and more popular as our lives get busier and we become more technologically connected. Online counselling provides a unique opportunity to people with busy schedules or other concerns that prevent them from being able to access in-office treatment. If you’re interested in online counselling it may be difficult to know where to start as there are already many different services available, often at vastly different price points. Types of Online Counselling Services So, what types of online counselling services exist? And how do you know which services are best for you? Here we will talk about the different types of online counselling services and their pros and cons. 1. Apps (standalone use)
2. Apps (community-based support/chat rooms – for example: Healthful Chat)
3. Apps with coaching supports (example: Better help)
4. Online counselling Service
What is continuity of care? Continuity of care is the consistency and effectiveness of treatment over time. With mental health services, this includes the work a person does with their individual practitioner over time, as well as the focus on working with other members of the individuals’ health care team (if/as needed). When services don’t have this continuity, there’s something that’s lost in the therapeutic experience. That’s not to say these types of services don’t have a place. They’re effective in providing crisis management, for example supporting a person through the process of panic attacks. It’s important to understand the differences between these services to determine which is most appropriate based on your goals and financial needs. Are you ready to book your online counselling session? If so, get it touch! We’re also happy to provide more information if you have any questions. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I find that when something’s bothering me (such as something my brother-in-law says or slacker behaviour by a co-worker) I get really fixated on it and keep turning it over and over in my head. How do I move my mind off it and stop obsessing? The answer: Spending more time than usual thinking about situations that are upsetting or annoying is a very natural human reaction. Rumination (repetitive, obsessive thoughts) and the associated emotional responses (worry, anxiety, anger) serve a useful function. The function of virtually every emotional state is threefold: (1) to validate to ourselves that something is happening that affects something important to us; (2) to communicate to others that we need support or that their behaviour has been inappropriate; (3) and to motivate action. So let’s take a look at the situation relating to your “slacker” co-worker. Your obsessive thoughts (and the associated emotions) may be functioning in the following way: (1) to validate to yourself that you value a strong work ethic and take pride in your work, and you do not respect people who do not hold this same view; (2) your behaviour at work (intentionally or not) may be communicating to your boss that you need him or her to intervene, or you may be communicating to your co-worker that his or her behaviour is unacceptable because it affects your ability to do your job well; (3) it may motivate you toward the action of approaching your boss or another co-worker to seek advice, or to talk directly to the co-worker in question about his or her behaviour and how it is affecting you. An important question to ask yourself is this: Is your rumination serving any of the above useful functions. If so, your job is to understand the function it is serving, and then ask yourself if there anything you can do about it. If yes, take the appropriate action. If no, then your job is to find a way to move on. There are a few strategies that can help. First, increase your awareness to the thoughts you are having (we can’t change thoughts unless we are aware that we are having them in the first place). Then write down your thoughts. It is amazing how powerful thoughts can become when we are caught in the trap of silent rumination. Putting those thoughts on paper is a technique that can help take their power away. Once you have written your thoughts down, ask yourself if the thoughts are realistic and accurate. For example, if you have the thought “my co-worker is a total good-for-nothing and can never do anything right” this is likely not fully realistic nor accurate. For any unrealistic or inaccurate thoughts, come up with more realistic ones (e.g., “my co-worker has not pulled his or her weight on this big project, but generally does a decent job when assigned tasks”). Then actively remind yourself to challenge and replace your negative, extreme thoughts. This takes practice, but over time your mood will improve and the ruminative thoughts will decrease. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’ve always been a sensitive and emotional person. While I don’t think it’s a negative thing, I do find that I take a lot of comments seriously and personally. Often people may be joking, but somehow I interpret their statements negatively. How can I embrace my sensitivity without going overboard? The answer: I like that you have established a useful and realistic goal for yourself – to embrace a trait you have that, while not all negative, has some downsides for you in certain situations. Any personality trait or attribute exists along a continuum, and we all tend to have a set-point range where we fall along that continuum. The contributing factors are multiple, and ultimately a combination of nature and nurture: the personality and genetics we came into this world with; our early childhood environment; and important life events and circumstances (both positive and negative). Like you, I am high on the sensitivity scale. There are a great things that come along with this – sensitive people are more likely to experience intense positive emotions, tend to connect with others’ emotional experiences on a deeper level, are more attune to changes in others’ moods and, and have a strong ability to empathize with others. However, as you have recognized there are also downsides to being highly sensitive and emotional. You are more likely to personalize things, interpret things with negative intent when it may not exist, and overreact negatively to what may be a perceived insult. I suspect you are also likely to ruminate over things that have been said or done by others, have a hard time letting go of the past, and experience deeper hurt when it comes to conflict in interpersonal relationships. When it comes to our emotional reactions, the single most important factor that shapes how we react is our thoughts. If you are walking down the street, wave to an acquaintance you recently met at a party who ignores you, and think “I must have said something she didn’t like when we met” you are likely going to react negatively. If instead you think (as people who are high in emotional resiliency would) “she didn’t recognize me, seeing me here is out of context” or “she looked preoccupied with a phone call she was on” you will probably have little to no emotional reaction. Identify the automatic thoughts and interpretations that come up for you in situations where you react to others’ comments. Then ask yourself a few key questions: Is the thought/interpretation you are having realistic and accurate? What is the evidence that what you are thinking is not true? What alternative explanations could there be for the comment that was made? Then actively work on replacing the automatic negative/personalized thoughts with thoughts that are more accurate to the situation, based on a review of all of the evidence. I believe a core part of our life’s work is to continue to build awareness of who we are, recognize the patterns and behaviours we engage in that may be negatively impacting us or those around us, and work to continually improve areas of weakness. And you are right – the goal is to not do away with fundamental elements that make you who you are, but rather to embrace those attributes in a way that the positives are maximized and the negatives are minimized so that you are living an overall happier life. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I think I have seasonal affective disorder. How do I know for sure? The answer: Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), more commonly known as “the winter blues,” is a type of depression that impacts about two to three per cent of the general population. Many of us find that our mood and energy levels are affected by the weather: Warmer, sunnier days tend to lift our moods, while cold, rainy, dark days can make us feel gloomier. For a certain percentage of people, the weather (and in particular seasonal variations in light that come along with shorter days) has a more significant impact and can lead to the development of a particular subtype of clinical depression. You may have SAD if you notice the following: – A distinct seasonal pattern to your mood (i.e., very little or no depression symptoms during spring or summer months, when the days are longer) – Persistently low, depressed mood that lasts for usually two to three months during winter months. November to February are the peak months. – Depression symptoms (such as low mood, changes in appetite or weight, decreased energy or fatigue, sleep changes, avoidance of social situations) in the absence of other identifiable triggers or causes – Improved mood if you are in a sunnier climate during the usual “high risk” winter months We don’t understand very well why some people are so much more affected than others by weather and sunlight, but there seems to be a stronger biological/genetic component than with other types of depression. There are a number of very effective strategies that can help lessen the impact of SAD: – Make a point to spend more time outdoors during peak light hours (10am to 2pm), even if it’s only for 10 to 15 minutes during a coffee or lunch break. – Arrange your home and work environments (if possible) to maximize your exposure to direct sunlight: Leave blinds and curtains open and try to be around windows that allow in natural light. – By hypervigilant about taking care of yourself in the fall months, before the usual season dips in mood occur (i.e., exercise, eat a healthy diet, drink alcohol in moderation). – Talk to a physician about the use of a light box; many people find that 10 to 20 minutes of artificial “light therapy,” usually prescribed to be taken first thing in the morning, has significant benefit. In addition to the above, approaches that are effective for general depression, such as cognitive-behavioural therapy from a psychologist or psychiatric medication treatment, are also of significant value. Useful information on Seasonal Affective Disorder and light therapy can be found at the Mayo Clinic site. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  We spend a significant portion of our days working, so relationships with our colleagues can be important to maintain for our overall mental health. Conflict with colleagues, as well as actual or perceived unfairness in the workplace, particularly when it pertains to important outcomes such as a promotion, can have a tremendous impact on job satisfaction. It is normal to feel disappointed, frustrated, and perhaps even angry.
What happens when we experience co-worker related stress? As human beings, we tend to enter a state of cognitive constriction (or tunnel vision) when faced with a stressful situation – particularly when it has to do with another person. We tend to paint the entire situation or object of our discontent with broad strokes. This manifests as us being much more likely to only focus on the negative attributes of situations – leading to a snowball-effect over time, where our emotions become more and more negative and difficult to manage over time. How to deal with unfair treatment What are some ways you can manage a situation where you feel you’ve been unfairly treated by another at work?
How do you approach this colleague if there are still negative feelings toward them?
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated.  Dealing with Grief During the Holidays
Grief, following the death of someone we care about, takes a huge emotional toll on us. Somewhat surprisingly, many of us believe it shouldn’t take that long to “get over” the grief we experience. This is due to, at least in part, the fact that we’re given a relatively short amount of time to grieve – for example, only a handful of days off work, and often very little reprieve from other day-to-day demands of life. But grief is much more complicated than that and dealing with grief during the holidays can be particularly challenging. How We Experience Grief Grief is an incredibly personal process, and although the length of time that grief affects each of us will vary the first year is typically the most difficult. It’s the year of “firsts” as we have to experience each occasion for the first time without that special person. The first birthdays, the first Mother’s/Father’s Day and the first holiday season. Know that it won’t always feel as hard as it does the first year. This person will continue to be someone you think of, they will have a presence in your memory, and they will be dearly missed, but it won’t always feel as challenging or deeply saddening as it does the first year. So how do you get through the holidays, particularly that first year, when you’re feeling sadness and loss while also feeling you should be happier or celebrating? How to Deal with Grief During the Holidays First, have an open and candid discussion with family (making sure the conversation is age-appropriate for children).
2. Second, find a way to honour and incorporate the memory of your loved one in the season’s celebrations.
Final Thoughts Often a big factor that holds us back from wanting to celebrate after a loved one passes relates to guilt – guilt at being happy when our loved one is no longer here. We may feel like we don’t have the right to celebrate when their life has ended, or somehow feel we are betraying their memory if we are having fun. Know that none of these things are true. Enjoying and celebrating the present, with the family who’s there, in no way negates the love for the loved one that has passed. The best way to honour the memories of those we have lost is to maximize our enjoyment of our loved ones while they are alive. Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Spending Less Time with Family Over the Holidays
When big changes happen in your life, like a new relationship, getting engaged, getting married, having children, other things in your life are also going to change – one of those things is holiday traditions. You will, over time, create new traditions with your family – that is, both your extended families and, down the road, your nuclear family if you choose to have kids. So, spending less time with your family over the holiday may make sense but talking about it isn’t necessarily easy. Family Relationships and Shame There’s no shame in wanting to change holiday traditions or wanting to spend more time with your partner’s family over your own. Though do note that shame is one of the most toxic and harmful emotions we can experience. It makes us feel inferior, worthless and wrong and is often associated with a critical voice that tells us we should feel or act in a way that’s different than how we actually have. How to Manage the Changing Traditions this Holiday Season So, the first step in managing new traditions is to work on rephrasing how you feel. If you still want to maintain a relationship with your own family it may feel challenging to tell them you’d like to spend less time with them during the holidays. So, the way you break the news to them can make all the difference. Ask yourself two questions:
You want them to first understand the decision isn’t an easy one for you and that you have mixed emotions about your decision (small white lies don’t hurt in these situations); and second, not begrudge you for your decision. When we struggle with how to approach a conversation, a number of factors get in the way. We don’t know what to say or how to say it; we get caught up in over-thinking the talk, worrying about all the possible – and often unlikely – outcomes; we let our own emotions, like anxiety or fear, get the way; we can’t decide what we really want; or we find that external factors, like how your family may react, are an impediment. We have an element of control over all but the last of these factors. Tips on how to have this conversation with your family:
Final Thoughts It’s also important to note that no one should feel obligated to spend time with family over the holidays. Just because we are related to someone does not mean that having a relationship with them is necessary or even healthy. So, if any members of your family are abusive, toxic or otherwise problematic you are not obligated to spend time with them – even during the holidays. Also, it’s always important to take care of ourselves, and this is particularly true during the holiday season, with the holidays being emotionally charged in a number of ways and the days being shorter which can have an impact on our psychological health and wellness. So, make sure to take care of yourself this Christmas and engage in parties and traditions that are going to be healthy for you. Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. |
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