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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My mom is a terrified driver. She’ll stop in the middle of an intersection, paralyzed by fear. She’s recently been involved in a few traffic accidents, although none of these were her fault. She recently ended a 30-year marriage. Are these incidents related? I’m afraid to criticize but I’m concerned for her safety. The answer: Driving-related fears and phobias can be attributed to a number of causes. Some people are just naturally more nervous drivers – individuals who don’t drive often, older adults, and those who have moved from smaller communities to higher traffic-populated areas tend to be less comfortable behind the wheel. It sounds as though you have noticed some recent changes in your mother’s driving behaviour, both in terms of her fear (which I’m imagining she has told you about or you have witnessed directly) and also a higher than average number of accidents over the last short while. Even though the accidents were not her fault, there could be the possibility that she is engaging in less defensive driving behaviours which may indirectly have increased the likelihood of her being in several accidents in a short period of time. If she has recently ended a 30-year marriage she is likely under a higher than average level of stress (even if she chose to end the marriage) and it may be that her elevated stress is manifesting in her driving behaviour. When there is an increase in our baseline level of stress, we tend to have amplification of already existing fears or anxieties. For example, it could be that she was always a slightly nervous driver but the increased stress has now contributed to tipping that nervousness into more concerning fears. Being in a number of accidents over a short while can in and of itself lead to an increased fear of driving, which may from the outside look out of proportion to the severity of accidents that occurred. A number of factors can contribute to quite significant driving-related phobias developing from even minor accidents. Some of the factors include previous number of accidents, physical/emotional health history, other existing stressors, and the nature and circumstances of the accident. Finally, it is important to keep in mind that other changes in her physical or cognitive health status may be influencing her driving-related fears and behaviours. Health conditions that in particular impact one’s cognitive processes or eyesight (e.g., cataracts, stroke, early onset dementia) can also play a role. I can appreciate the concern about not wanting to criticize, but given the safety risks (both to your mother and to other drivers) this is something you need to bring up with her. Take a non-accusatory approach with her. Explicitly state that you don’t want to come across at all critical, but that you have concerns about her safety and have been worried about her recent accidents. Make sure you emphasize that you know they were not her fault, but that you are concerned nonetheless. Be specific and objective about the concerns you have (i.e. give specific examples that lead you to say she is “terrified” or “paralyzed by fear”). Offer to go to her family physician with her. This can be helpful to ensure she has had an examination of her physical function, including eyesight. If it seems that stress-related causes are the sole cause of her fear, the most effective treatment is cognitive-behavioural treatment (which focuses on addressing anxiety-related thoughts and behavioural responses to these thoughts). Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My teen daughter is fat. She’s way over her normal BMI, and I’ve tried talking to her – politely – and asking if she wants to go to the gym together, or work out a healthy meal plan. It just seems to make it worse – she eats way more after our talks. What can I do? The answer: There are two main things you need to consider: the factors that contribute to your daughter’s current weight and the manner in which your concerns have been communicated to her. You say that your daughter is “way over” her normal Body Mass Index (BMI). I will assume that she falls close to or within the “obese” range. By definition, obesity is a medical condition where amount of body fat may adversely and significantly impact health, including increasing the likelihood that one will develop a range of serious health conditions and contributing to shortened life expectancy. For these reasons, expressing your concern and trying to improve your daughter’s health is important. Try to support her to make some changes. For all of us, our weight is the result of many factors – including those that are out of our control (e.g., genetic predisposition) as well as factors that are controllable (e.g., eating habits, exercise/activity levels). Unidentified or untreated health conditions (e.g., thyroid dysfunction) may also play a role. For this latter reason, ensure your daughter has had a recent medical examination. Unfortunately there is considerable stigma in our society regarding weight issues. I wonder to what extent your daughter has dealt with teasing or negative attitudes from family, friends, and kids at school. This could likely be contributing significantly to her feelings of low confidence and self-esteem, including feelings of shame and even low mood or depression. Your daughter may feel hopeless – particularly when kids deal with obesity from a young age, they may develop strongly ingrained beliefs that nothing they do will be effective in terms of changing their situation. You indicate that your daughter eats “way more” after your talks. Many individuals (even those that do not struggle with obesity) engage in emotionally-driven eating and this leads me to think she is likely becoming highly stressed after your conversations. Think about how you are approaching these conversations: it is important to remain non-judgmental, non-accusatory and supportive in your verbal and non-verbal communication. Express to her genuinely why you are concerned about her weight rather than telling her what to do (as this may come across as lecturing and critical). Ask her what her goals for weight/food/exercise are, and if there are ways that you can support her goals. The reality is she may find it too difficult to speak openly to you given history. Offer to help her find a professional (family doctor, dietitian, nutritionist, psychologist) with whom she could speak to openly and confidentially. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My wife is fundamentally against the idea of counseling – she’s depressed, unsatisfied with life and has serious body image issues. But I think she needs to see an expert. How can I convince her it’s a good idea? The answer: It can frustrating and saddening for any of us to see someone we love being unhappy and struggling with life. We can often feel helpless in not being able to improve our loved one’s emotional state, particularly if we feel we have exhausted the avenues we have available to us. Certainly there can be a number of positive benefits that many people can experience from seeing and receiving treatment from an objective, neutral and trained mental health professional. That being said, the first point I would like to underscore is that it is not your role to “convince” your wife to seek out counseling. Your role as a partner is, first and foremost, to serve as a source of unconditional support. I do not mean at all to convey that she does not need or would not benefit from counseling, but the way that you approach this discussion is key. All too often I see well-meaning partners who will “tell” or “try to convince” their partner to seek out counselling, but this message can be interpreted as critical (rather than supportive). I would suggest that you start by have a genuine, heart-to-heart conversation with her. If possible, be mindful of timing this conversation on a day and time when both of you have dedicated and uninterrupted time to speak, free of other distractions. Convey your love and concern for her. Focus on communicating how you feel, and be specific about what you have noticed (e.g., “I feel saddened when I see you looking upset and tearful…”). Avoid making assumptions about how she is feeling (e.g., “I think you are depressed and need help”) as this may come across as accusatory or judgmental. Ask what you can do to help and support her. Focus on directing the conversation toward what she feels she needs, and what she thinks would be helpful. You say she is “fundamentally against” the idea of counseling, and I would try to understand where this comes from. Has she had negative or unhelpful experiences with mental health professionals in the past? Does she feel shame or stigma about having to seek out help? Is she unclear about what role a professional would play? Does she feel hopeless that treatment would not help? This may provide a better understanding of where she is coming from, and may help guide you towards ways that you can more effectively support her. Finally, offer to go with her to an initial appointment, no-strings attached. Maybe she’s afraid and unsure about the process. Let her know that you see this as a family issue, and that if she is feeling unwell emotionally that impacts you. Emphasize that your goal is to help and support her, in whatever way possible. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Supporting LGBTQ+ People in the Workplace
LGBTQ+ individuals experience discrimination and harassment in the workplace. This directly and negatively impacts LGBTQ+ individuals’ mental health. So, when talking about workplace mental health, we need to pay special attention to groups, like the LGBTQ+ community, to actively work against this treatment to create psychologically safe spaces for all individuals. Facts About LGBTQ+ Workers The LGBTQ+ community has higher rates of unemployment, with rates spiking even higher for trans and nonbinary people. But unemployment is not the only issue. A U.K. report, one of the first of its kind, found that 7 in 10 LGBTQ+ people have been sexually harassed at work and two-thirds did not report it to their employer. The Williams Institute on Sexual Orientation Law and Public Policy found 15% to 43% of gay and transgender workers faced some sort of workplace discrimination in the U.S.. Though it is important to note that the experience of discrimination and harassment is not consistent across the queer community:
Many organizations have come to understand the experiences that LGBTQ+ individuals face in the workplace and have created specific policies to be more inclusive. Some of these include; healthcare coverage for same-sex spouses, protocols for gender transition, and paid parental leave for same-sex couples and adoptive parents. Inclusive Workspaces – Supporting LGBTQ+ People in the WorkplaceThough creating inclusive workplace policies is a great first step, it’s just that – a first step. Workplace policies are not enough on their own to create safe and inclusive workplace environments and culture. So, what can companies and colleagues do to create a safe and inviting workplace for members of the LGBTQ+ community?
Supporting LGBTQ+ Co-workers Oftentimes when we find out a co-worker is part of the LGBTQ+ community, we want to show our support but don’t know the best way to do so. What are some (potentially well-meaning) things that shouldn’t be done in the workplace when it comes to LGBTQ+ co-workers?
As we learn about the queer community and the diversity of people within the community, it’s natural to want to know more. The number of recognized identities is growing and it can seem intimidating and complicated to those who are not part of the LGBTQ+ community. It’s a great thing to be eager and willing to learn, and education is an important part of creating a more safe and inclusive environment for everyone. You might know someone who identifies within the LGBTQ+ community and figure they’re the best person to ask those burning questions. They might be, but they also may not. So, let’s talk about asking questions as this in an important part of supporting LGBTQ+ people in the workplace. What To Consider Before Asking Questions Before asking questions consider a few things:
Get Consent First It’s important to not only be cautious of who you’re asking, but also the questions you ask. It’s equally as important to ask for consent before asking a question. Asking for consent can be as simple as “can I ask you a question about X?” and waiting for an answer. It’s also important to be prepared to hear and respect the answer ‘no’. Questions Not to ask your LGBTQ+ Co-workers Here is a list of things to consider, as well as explanations as to why questions can be challenging to receive for those in the LGBTQ+ community.
Final Thoughts Supporting LGBTQ+ people in the workplace doesn’t have to be challenging. Start with good intentions on fostering an inclusive space, educate yourself on the LGBTQ+ community and the issues they face in the workplace, and do want you can to create that safe space. Ensure policies are updated and followed, lead by example and train and workers within your organization. If you’re motivated to learn more about the LGBTQ+ community consider checking out sites like TheSafeZoneProject for terminology, PFLAG a website for families and friends of LGBTQ+ people, or GLAAD, an organization devoted to shaping conversations about LGBTQ+ folks. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  People often turn to their friends for support with difficulties in their romantic relationship and bluntly ask for their opinion. Rarely, if ever, does any good come from providing candid opinions about others’ relationships – particularly when the stakes are high (if they’ve been together for a long time or have children, for example). Some of the difficult-category questions we receive may range from ‘do you like my partner’ to ‘should I stay with them’ or ‘do you think they are cheating?’.
The best general advice? Keep your unfiltered and unedited opinions to yourself. And if you feel tempted to do otherwise, rewind and repeat that mantra. Brutal honesty is not always the best policy When asked for a candid opinion from someone you care about, you want to be truthful. However, brutal honesty is not always the best policy, especially when there’s the potential to provide advice or input a friend may not be willing or open to receive. Sometimes not providing our honest opinions can feel misleading or untruthful; however, if any of us went through life fully verbalizing the “bubble above our head,” it’s likely most of our relationships would end. We make the best decisions for ourselves Ultimately the people in a relationship are the ones that have to decide what to do next, and they are ultimately the only people who can come to a resolution about how their relationship should unfold. So, when asked for advice in these types of situations your role is twofold: to provide friends support when they ask for it and help guide them toward making the best decision for themselves. What are some ways we can approach situations where we are asked for our candid, unfiltered advice – and we know that advice is probably not what our friend wants to hear?
Remember, when it comes to other people’s relationships, good questions asked are better than candid opinions given! Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Is someone you care about working themselves so hard it may be damaging to their health? Maybe they aren’t just exhausted, but are starting to isolate themselves? Or they’re tired enough that they’re putting themselves at risk every time they drive home – many people don’t consider the fact that tiredness at the point of exhaustion is the same as impaired driving. Or, they may be engaging in unhealthy behaviours such as excessive drinking or overeating as a way to self-soothe or self-medicate.
When putting in a few too many hours becomes a problem With overworking there are two major issues: The person’s decision to work an inordinate number of hours, and the resultant impacts on their health. Keep in mind that the person’s decision to work the number of hours they are working may not be completely voluntary. There are a number of reasons a person may need to – or feel they need to – work these hours, some of which may include: high living expenses or debts, significant changes to life circumstances, working following a period of unemployment or preparing for retirement. Have empathy & be kind Whatever their reason, try to understand where they are coming from. It can feel awful to be in a position where you are uncertain about your future, particularly as we age. They are probably worried about the future, as well as frustrated or even angry at themselves, or their past circumstances. The reality is that they may need to be working at the level they are to pay the bills or have the future they once imagined. Starting a conversation First, ensure the conversation takes place during a time when you are both feeling relaxed. Remember to keep the conversation light and supportive, and be mindful that they probably will have a lot of pride around these issues. Start with a conversation about their future and talk generally about what their hopes and dreams are. This may help you get a picture of what they’re working toward. Gently inquire about whether the means they are currently adopting (in other words, the hours worked) are necessary to achieve those goals. If appropriate, offer to help them with planning – you may suggest that they could find it helpful to sit down with a financial advisor who can map out plans in more detail. Key messages to communicate After you’ve had the opportunity to talk with your loved one about the future and gained some insight into their goals and underlying values associated with work, then, in a separate conversation, you can express your concerns about their health. Here are some suggestions about how to approach this topic:
Unfortunately, you can’t magically get your loved one to value their health more than work, but you can guide them toward possible solutions that improve the situation. Visit MyWorkplaceHealth.com for more workplace resources. Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. |
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