By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth How to be a good LGBTQ+ Ally
LGBTQ+ individuals experience discrimination and harassment; this directly and negatively impacts their mental health, and LGBTQ+ adults are more than twice as likely to experience mental health conditions and are at higher risk for suicidal thoughts and behaviour. Homophobic/queerphobic slurs are the biggest contributor to the harassment of LGBTQ+ people at work, and in general. Most of the time these slurs are used unconsciously and are not intended to be harmful. Though regardless of the intent these words do cause harm. So here are some tips on how to be a good LGBTQ+ ally: 1) Educate yourself on the LGBTQ+ community.Knowledge is power, this not only helps you to have the information you need to approach LGBTQ+ people with respect, but it gives you the opportunity to support them through starting to educate others as with some of the examples below.
2) Don’t make assumptions. Assumptions are typically based on stereotypes as well as conflate heterosexuality as the ‘norm’. A simple change we can make to be more inclusive of LGBTQ+ people is to not make assumptions about gender identity based on the way someone looks as well as not assuming the gender of someone’s partner. 3) Don’t ever out someone. If someone comes out to you that means they trust you, so don’t break that trust by outing them to others. 4) Be conscious of your language. We form habits around the use of some words or phrases and sometimes forget the intent behind those words. For example; ‘that’s so gay’. Although this phrase is becoming less common it used to be used to describe something that was seen as negative. Take a moment to think about how using phrases such as this could have a negative impact on people in the LGBTQ+ community. 5) Don’t let slurs slide. Addressing others’ use of slurs can be a bit more challenging. When addressing problematic language consider the context of the situation, it may make more sense to bring it up with the person later rather than confronting them in public or in front of friends or colleagues for example. Consider whether or not they’re using the slur intentionally. If you are unsure assume they’re not, approach the situation calmly and explain that their use of language is offensive. Consider asking them questions regarding the reasoning behind the use of this language. 6) Don’t allow others to make queerphobic jokes. Simply asking someone to explain the punchline of a problematic joke can help them to understand why it is problematic. 7) Stand up for others. This may look like standing up against harassment or bullying, this is particularly important in the workplace. But it can also mean ensuring that everyone is treated equally, for example; making sure that people are using the correct name and pronouns for someone. 8) Make space for LGBTQ+ voices. Final Thoughts When you first start to learn about the LGBTQ+ community and how to be an advocate for your friends and co-workers it can feel a bit daunting. Don’t worry, that’s normal. There is a lot of diversity in the LGBTQ+ community and you are not going to gain a comprehensive understanding of the community overnight. But we all have to start somewhere, educating ourselves on the basics and being able to recognize problematic language and behaviour is a great place to start. Know that you don’t have to be an expert to stand up and let someone know that their words or behaviours are problematic. The first step in being a good LGBTQ+ ally is your intention to do so. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My parents are aging and showing signs of slowing down mentally. I’m concerned about Alzheimer’s some time down the road, but they don’t even notice it. They say I’m overreacting. How can I get them to acknowledge that they may need help sooner rather than later? The answer: Having a discussion with a parent about age-related changes can be one of the most difficult conversations you may have. A myriad of factors are probably converging to make this hard: your desire to be respectful and kind toward your parents; the challenge in having them recognize and accept changes that may truly be subtle and unbeknownst to them; pride on your parents’ part; and, possibly some sadness and worry about the changes you are witnessing. Your attempts to have a conversation about the changes with your parents have been met with some resistance, which is not an unexpected parental response. There are reasons for this: there may be changes that you are noticing that your parents are either (a) unwilling to see or (b) truly don’t recognize; or, you are in fact overreacting. The best first step is to get a professional opinion on whether the concerns you have are warranted. I suggest making a detailed list of the changes you are observing. Be as specific and comprehensive as possible, and articulate it in writing. Be objective in your descriptions: (“last week, mom asked me five times when I am next coming over, even though virtually every week I go over on Sundays”) – rather than making judgments or assumptions (“mom is losing her memory”). Then, make an appointment with your family doctor to obtain an opinion on whether there is cause for concern. Assuming there are red flags, the next step would be to gently start more dialogue with your parents while keeping in mind you may need to have multiple conversations. Approach your discussions from a position of care and concern, don’t blame or point the finger, and be mindful of not conveying any frustration you may be experiencing. Be specific in expressing the concerns you have, staying away from judgmental or labelling language. It is important to let your parents know that although these are difficult conversations to have, you are motivated by love and concern for them. Be sure you take the time to allow them to express their feelings and perspective as well. Let your parents have control in the conversation by asking them what they think would be good next steps (“what can I do to help?”; “what are you most comfortable with doing?”). Recognize that they may be frustrated, sad, or angry about changes that they are noticing but finding hard to accept as they transition to another stage in their life – from that of caretaker to possible dependent. You may also find it helpful to enlist the support of another relative or family friend whom they trust. If you continue to be met with resistance, I would suggest making an appointment with your parents’ family doctor to communicate your concerns. The doctor cannot, without your parents’ permission, release any information to you, but you are able to share information with the doctor that may be helpful for planning purposes. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My husband is overprotective of our teen daughter. I worry about her as well but he is downright irrational. How can I get him to relax and give her independence? The answer: The reality is that there are some worries about a teenage daughter that are different than the concerns that come along with parenting a teenage boy – concerns about safety and risk. Fathers often tend to be more protective of girls, and will often cite “knowing what teen boys are like” as an explanation. First, ask yourself whether the issues you are having with your husband truly have to do with his overprotective stance toward your daughter, or whether other difficulties the two of you are having are influencing your feelings. I mention this as it is not uncommon for couples to have other underlying marital issues that manifest as parenting-related differences. If there are other relationship issues, you may want to focus on what those are and try to identify ways to talk about and address the non-parenting related challenges. If the issues are primarily stemming from differences in parenting approach, address this issue directly. Start by having a calm conversation with your husband. Time the conversation for when you are getting along with each other, and not in the midst of a disagreement. Have the conversation privately, without your daughter present. Parents should always present a united front when speaking to their children about rules, responsibilities and expectations. Ask your husband what his concerns are. Be open to at least understanding (not necessarily agreeing with) where he is coming from. When parents are being overly strict or setting rigid rules, this is often coming from a place of fear and concern about their child’s well-being and welfare. Try to take a problem-solving approach. Understand what steps can be taken to alleviate the concerns he has. For example, his concerns about her safety when out at night may translate into a black and white approach where he says she simply can’t go out at night. Instead, you may try to come up with some less rigid options that satisfy both of you. Gradually provide your daughter more and more responsibility in a way that your husband’s concerns about her are put at ease. You may decide to establish a curfew that is much earlier than what you think is reasonable or age-appropriate, but then discuss how to gradually modify this over time as your daughter builds up her trust and your husband builds up his comfort. You may ask her to provide a text update every hour on the hour when she is out, and then gradually reduce the frequency or expectation of contact over time. Decisions about what age-appropriate activities are for your daughter (e.g., when dating is appropriate, what curfew is appropriate) are very personal and family-specific decisions and there are no easy answers to these issues. You will both need to compromise and may need to agree to disagree on some points about what rules are appropriate for your daughter. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I think it’s time for my 80-year-old mother to go into a nursing home in the next year or two. She is still healthy but not as strong as she once was. How can I broach this subject with her and prepare her? The answer: Speaking to a parent about transitioning to a nursing home can be one of the most difficult conversations you may have. It may be emotional on a number of levels for both you and your mother. But having conversations about this well in advance is one of the best things you can do, to give everyone time to mentally prepare for the upcoming changes. Before broaching this subject with your mother, you may want to spend some time thinking about what you want to say, what options there are, what timelines might make sense, and who else that is close to you and your mother could possibly get involved in the discussion (e.g., your father if he is in the picture, siblings, an aunt or an uncle). Use your judgment on who best to involve. You want to remain sensitive to not having your mother feel she is being “ganged-up” on by having too many people present, but there can be value in considering having someone else present that is close to her, and who she feels also has her best interests at heart. Let your mother know in advance you’d like to set some uninterrupted time to speak with her about some concerns you have about her health and/or living situation. This can help to make her feel like she is not being taken off guard. Try to identify an optimal time (e.g., when she is feeling relatively well physically, in a comfortable environment such as her own home, during a time of day when her energy level is reasonably high). Keep in mind that you may need a number of repeat conversations over time to get to a workable solution. Start the first conversation by genuinely letting her know how you feel. Express that you love her, that this is a hard conversation for you to have, and that you are only speaking to her out of concern for her for health and well-being. Describe the concerns you have about her health. Try to be as specific and objective as possible. Let her know you can imagine how difficult it may be for her to start to think about moving to a supported living environment. Take the time to ask her how she feels and what is important to her. Appreciate that she may get upset, defensive or sad – this is all part of the process of making such a significant change in living status. Listen to her concerns. Remain gentle and empathetic in your tone. Try to understand her concerns and perspective, and to the extent possible and reasonable involve her in all important decisions. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
The woman I love is a hoarder. She refuses to even talk about it – we always spend time together at my house and go out, but just bringing up the subject is too much for her. Do I have to leave this relationship? The answer: First, understand what hoarding means, as many people use this term loosely. Someone who is a true hoarder engages in pathological or compulsive behaviours where they acquire or collect a large number of items that seem to have little or no value to others (e.g., clothes, newspapers, flyers), and have significant difficulty discarding these items. They will often continue to acquire items despite having significant clutter in their living space, which may be both unsanitary and pose safety risks. They also experience ongoing impairment with respect to their social and/or occupational function. Most hoarders are what are called “object” hoarders (collecting inanimate objects), and a smaller portion are animal hoarders (collecting a range of animals, most commonly cats). Individuals who engage in hoarding often meet criteria for one or more psychological/psychiatric diagnoses. The most common conditions are obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression. Hoarders are also more likely than the general population to have experienced abuse or neglect in childhood. Individuals who hoard can be extremely resistant to acknowledging their difficulties and seeking help – due to a combination of factors, including significant anxiety when thinking of letting go of or discarding the objects of their hoarding, as well as associated shame and guilt. Although there are effective treatments, these are often very intensive and are multimodal, requiring a combination of psychological therapy, medication therapy, and community supports/assistance. Hoarders often need the unconditional support of their family or close friends as well to be able to make and sustain changes. To an outsider, hoarding behaviour can be highly puzzling and complex to understand. Loved ones often struggle with how to approach this. Giving an ultimatum or telling the hoarder to simply discard the objects is not effective, nor is trying to convince them about the problems the hoarding is causing. Start by telling your girlfriend how much you care about her. Indicate that you are concerned about her and that you appreciate how difficult it may be for her to even talk about her difficulties with hoarding. Ask her what you could do that could help facilitate the process. Indicate that her difficulties are impacting you and your relationship and that you jointly need to find an effective way to communicate about this as a starting point. Assure her that you are not going to ask her or force her to do anything that she is not comfortable with, as ultimately that is her decision. The question about whether you stay or leave is one that you ultimately have to decide over time based on how your discussions with her go. Loving someone involves unconditionally accepting their strengths and their weaknesses, but you need to know the elements of your relationship you can accept and live with for the long term. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My 12-year-old still believes in Santa. It’s embarrassing, but he’s still so hopeful and it’s endearing. I feel responsible. How do I tell him without crushing his spirit? The answer: The short answer? Tell him the truth. The longer answer is that, for me, one of the most amazing things about children is the innocence and enthusiasm of their beliefs. Parents can feel heartbroken, shattering these beliefs with the reality of life – particularly when they have such awe about the wonders of the world. However, this is a part of raising a child and preparing them for the real world. Remember that children can be cruel, and given that he is of an age where the majority of kids know and accept that Santa does not exist – let him know sooner rather than later so that he is not unnecessarily teased. Keep in mind that our modern day Santa has several core roots, including Saint Nicholas who was a historical saint and bishop from the 4th Century. So, there is in fact a historic Santa that does exist – just not the way your son (and most other children) believe. This is important to communicate to him when you break the news – so that he does not feel that he has been told a completely fabricated piece of information. See this as a teaching opportunity. You can introduce the topic by telling your child of Saint Nicholas and how he was recognized and admired for his secret gift-giving. You can talk about the value behind unconditional giving to those that are less fortunate and in need. And then you can gently let your son know that there are actually many “Santa-type” people in the world – that care for and give to others, such as parents, grandparents and other loved ones. Depending on his intellectual maturity, you can describe to him that the Santa portrayed in the media and in the public is a metaphor for or a symbol of those that give. And ultimately you can let him know that it is you, not the big man in red, who provides him with gifts. He may get upset or tearful. He may ask you why you have lied – and you should be honest. State that this is part of the tradition of Christmas, it is part of what makes Christmas fun, and that virtually all other kids (and likely you, at one point) believe in Santa. Remember – parents have been breaking the news that Santa really doesn’t exist for decades, and will continue to do so with no evidence of any long term damage to kids. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My mom is a terrified driver. She’ll stop in the middle of an intersection, paralyzed by fear. She’s recently been involved in a few traffic accidents, although none of these were her fault. She recently ended a 30-year marriage. Are these incidents related? I’m afraid to criticize but I’m concerned for her safety. The answer: Driving-related fears and phobias can be attributed to a number of causes. Some people are just naturally more nervous drivers – individuals who don’t drive often, older adults, and those who have moved from smaller communities to higher traffic-populated areas tend to be less comfortable behind the wheel. It sounds as though you have noticed some recent changes in your mother’s driving behaviour, both in terms of her fear (which I’m imagining she has told you about or you have witnessed directly) and also a higher than average number of accidents over the last short while. Even though the accidents were not her fault, there could be the possibility that she is engaging in less defensive driving behaviours which may indirectly have increased the likelihood of her being in several accidents in a short period of time. If she has recently ended a 30-year marriage she is likely under a higher than average level of stress (even if she chose to end the marriage) and it may be that her elevated stress is manifesting in her driving behaviour. When there is an increase in our baseline level of stress, we tend to have amplification of already existing fears or anxieties. For example, it could be that she was always a slightly nervous driver but the increased stress has now contributed to tipping that nervousness into more concerning fears. Being in a number of accidents over a short while can in and of itself lead to an increased fear of driving, which may from the outside look out of proportion to the severity of accidents that occurred. A number of factors can contribute to quite significant driving-related phobias developing from even minor accidents. Some of the factors include previous number of accidents, physical/emotional health history, other existing stressors, and the nature and circumstances of the accident. Finally, it is important to keep in mind that other changes in her physical or cognitive health status may be influencing her driving-related fears and behaviours. Health conditions that in particular impact one’s cognitive processes or eyesight (e.g., cataracts, stroke, early onset dementia) can also play a role. I can appreciate the concern about not wanting to criticize, but given the safety risks (both to your mother and to other drivers) this is something you need to bring up with her. Take a non-accusatory approach with her. Explicitly state that you don’t want to come across at all critical, but that you have concerns about her safety and have been worried about her recent accidents. Make sure you emphasize that you know they were not her fault, but that you are concerned nonetheless. Be specific and objective about the concerns you have (i.e. give specific examples that lead you to say she is “terrified” or “paralyzed by fear”). Offer to go to her family physician with her. This can be helpful to ensure she has had an examination of her physical function, including eyesight. If it seems that stress-related causes are the sole cause of her fear, the most effective treatment is cognitive-behavioural treatment (which focuses on addressing anxiety-related thoughts and behavioural responses to these thoughts). Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My teen daughter is fat. She’s way over her normal BMI, and I’ve tried talking to her – politely – and asking if she wants to go to the gym together, or work out a healthy meal plan. It just seems to make it worse – she eats way more after our talks. What can I do? The answer: There are two main things you need to consider: the factors that contribute to your daughter’s current weight and the manner in which your concerns have been communicated to her. You say that your daughter is “way over” her normal Body Mass Index (BMI). I will assume that she falls close to or within the “obese” range. By definition, obesity is a medical condition where amount of body fat may adversely and significantly impact health, including increasing the likelihood that one will develop a range of serious health conditions and contributing to shortened life expectancy. For these reasons, expressing your concern and trying to improve your daughter’s health is important. Try to support her to make some changes. For all of us, our weight is the result of many factors – including those that are out of our control (e.g., genetic predisposition) as well as factors that are controllable (e.g., eating habits, exercise/activity levels). Unidentified or untreated health conditions (e.g., thyroid dysfunction) may also play a role. For this latter reason, ensure your daughter has had a recent medical examination. Unfortunately there is considerable stigma in our society regarding weight issues. I wonder to what extent your daughter has dealt with teasing or negative attitudes from family, friends, and kids at school. This could likely be contributing significantly to her feelings of low confidence and self-esteem, including feelings of shame and even low mood or depression. Your daughter may feel hopeless – particularly when kids deal with obesity from a young age, they may develop strongly ingrained beliefs that nothing they do will be effective in terms of changing their situation. You indicate that your daughter eats “way more” after your talks. Many individuals (even those that do not struggle with obesity) engage in emotionally-driven eating and this leads me to think she is likely becoming highly stressed after your conversations. Think about how you are approaching these conversations: it is important to remain non-judgmental, non-accusatory and supportive in your verbal and non-verbal communication. Express to her genuinely why you are concerned about her weight rather than telling her what to do (as this may come across as lecturing and critical). Ask her what her goals for weight/food/exercise are, and if there are ways that you can support her goals. The reality is she may find it too difficult to speak openly to you given history. Offer to help her find a professional (family doctor, dietitian, nutritionist, psychologist) with whom she could speak to openly and confidentially. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My wife is fundamentally against the idea of counseling – she’s depressed, unsatisfied with life and has serious body image issues. But I think she needs to see an expert. How can I convince her it’s a good idea? The answer: It can frustrating and saddening for any of us to see someone we love being unhappy and struggling with life. We can often feel helpless in not being able to improve our loved one’s emotional state, particularly if we feel we have exhausted the avenues we have available to us. Certainly there can be a number of positive benefits that many people can experience from seeing and receiving treatment from an objective, neutral and trained mental health professional. That being said, the first point I would like to underscore is that it is not your role to “convince” your wife to seek out counseling. Your role as a partner is, first and foremost, to serve as a source of unconditional support. I do not mean at all to convey that she does not need or would not benefit from counseling, but the way that you approach this discussion is key. All too often I see well-meaning partners who will “tell” or “try to convince” their partner to seek out counselling, but this message can be interpreted as critical (rather than supportive). I would suggest that you start by have a genuine, heart-to-heart conversation with her. If possible, be mindful of timing this conversation on a day and time when both of you have dedicated and uninterrupted time to speak, free of other distractions. Convey your love and concern for her. Focus on communicating how you feel, and be specific about what you have noticed (e.g., “I feel saddened when I see you looking upset and tearful…”). Avoid making assumptions about how she is feeling (e.g., “I think you are depressed and need help”) as this may come across as accusatory or judgmental. Ask what you can do to help and support her. Focus on directing the conversation toward what she feels she needs, and what she thinks would be helpful. You say she is “fundamentally against” the idea of counseling, and I would try to understand where this comes from. Has she had negative or unhelpful experiences with mental health professionals in the past? Does she feel shame or stigma about having to seek out help? Is she unclear about what role a professional would play? Does she feel hopeless that treatment would not help? This may provide a better understanding of where she is coming from, and may help guide you towards ways that you can more effectively support her. Finally, offer to go with her to an initial appointment, no-strings attached. Maybe she’s afraid and unsure about the process. Let her know that you see this as a family issue, and that if she is feeling unwell emotionally that impacts you. Emphasize that your goal is to help and support her, in whatever way possible. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Supporting LGBTQ+ People in the Workplace
LGBTQ+ individuals experience discrimination and harassment in the workplace. This directly and negatively impacts LGBTQ+ individuals’ mental health. So, when talking about workplace mental health, we need to pay special attention to groups, like the LGBTQ+ community, to actively work against this treatment to create psychologically safe spaces for all individuals. Facts About LGBTQ+ Workers The LGBTQ+ community has higher rates of unemployment, with rates spiking even higher for trans and nonbinary people. But unemployment is not the only issue. A U.K. report, one of the first of its kind, found that 7 in 10 LGBTQ+ people have been sexually harassed at work and two-thirds did not report it to their employer. The Williams Institute on Sexual Orientation Law and Public Policy found 15% to 43% of gay and transgender workers faced some sort of workplace discrimination in the U.S.. Though it is important to note that the experience of discrimination and harassment is not consistent across the queer community:
Many organizations have come to understand the experiences that LGBTQ+ individuals face in the workplace and have created specific policies to be more inclusive. Some of these include; healthcare coverage for same-sex spouses, protocols for gender transition, and paid parental leave for same-sex couples and adoptive parents. Inclusive Workspaces – Supporting LGBTQ+ People in the WorkplaceThough creating inclusive workplace policies is a great first step, it’s just that – a first step. Workplace policies are not enough on their own to create safe and inclusive workplace environments and culture. So, what can companies and colleagues do to create a safe and inviting workplace for members of the LGBTQ+ community?
Supporting LGBTQ+ Co-workers Oftentimes when we find out a co-worker is part of the LGBTQ+ community, we want to show our support but don’t know the best way to do so. What are some (potentially well-meaning) things that shouldn’t be done in the workplace when it comes to LGBTQ+ co-workers?
As we learn about the queer community and the diversity of people within the community, it’s natural to want to know more. The number of recognized identities is growing and it can seem intimidating and complicated to those who are not part of the LGBTQ+ community. It’s a great thing to be eager and willing to learn, and education is an important part of creating a more safe and inclusive environment for everyone. You might know someone who identifies within the LGBTQ+ community and figure they’re the best person to ask those burning questions. They might be, but they also may not. So, let’s talk about asking questions as this in an important part of supporting LGBTQ+ people in the workplace. What To Consider Before Asking Questions Before asking questions consider a few things:
Get Consent First It’s important to not only be cautious of who you’re asking, but also the questions you ask. It’s equally as important to ask for consent before asking a question. Asking for consent can be as simple as “can I ask you a question about X?” and waiting for an answer. It’s also important to be prepared to hear and respect the answer ‘no’. Questions Not to ask your LGBTQ+ Co-workers Here is a list of things to consider, as well as explanations as to why questions can be challenging to receive for those in the LGBTQ+ community.
Final Thoughts Supporting LGBTQ+ people in the workplace doesn’t have to be challenging. Start with good intentions on fostering an inclusive space, educate yourself on the LGBTQ+ community and the issues they face in the workplace, and do want you can to create that safe space. Ensure policies are updated and followed, lead by example and train and workers within your organization. If you’re motivated to learn more about the LGBTQ+ community consider checking out sites like TheSafeZoneProject for terminology, PFLAG a website for families and friends of LGBTQ+ people, or GLAAD, an organization devoted to shaping conversations about LGBTQ+ folks. |
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