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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
Almost three years ago my partner committed suicide. He suffered from depression. We were only dating for a year, but I find his death still gets to me. It’s especially difficult now for me to date people. I used to be a very patient, happy, joking person. Since it happened, I feel as though it’s a charade I’m putting on so my friends and family don’t notice the change. How can I move on? The answer: The death of someone we love is one of the most difficult life experiences we will ever face . As a society, we are terrible at dealing with and talking about death. We are never taught in schools what to say to someone who loses a loved one, despite the fact that all of us will, at some point in our lives, have to deal with the inevitable losses of those we care about. Dealing with a death that occurs from suicide only adds more layers of complexity, confusion and, in some cases, self-blame that further amplifies what is often a difficult recovery to begin with. Those that are closest to someone who dies by suicide (partners, parents, children) are left with the biggest burden to carry. They are often left with myriad emotions: sadness, guilt, anger. Recreating past conversations, thinking you could have done or said something differently, questioning why you weren’t ‘enough’ for the person to not take their life – all are common thoughts for survivors. Unfortunately so much misinformation, stigma and shame continues to be associated with suicide, making it even more difficult for your support system to know what to do or say, which then further prolongs the grieving process for survivors who are struggling to make sense of the nonsensical. I’ve lost both an aunt and a cousin to suicide – and one of the things that stood out to me so strongly was how uncomfortable so many people were about their deaths. Friends and family that I knew to be caring and otherwise articulate stumbled through awkward conversations. Some avoided the topic altogether, others became visibly distressed, and others made well-meaning comments that were ultimately unhelpful. These are common themes I have heard again and again from patients and friends who have been affected by suicide. When we talk about “moving on” or “getting over” a loss, what we really mean to do is find effective ways to cope. This includes maintaining positive memories and thoughts of your partner, while still getting back to all of the elements that make life worth living – which, in your case, includes dating. It makes absolute sense that it’s difficult for you to date – you are in a self-protective mode, not wanting to make yourself vulnerable to another potential loss. There is no magic formula for how long or what the grief and recovery process looks like, as it is so individual. There is one thing I can say with certainty, however: Not processing your loss – having to present a facade to those that are close to you – will only prolong the ordeal. I would start by opening yourself up to the idea of speaking about your loss, as there is so much therapeutic value in simply talking through the thoughts and emotions you’ll have inevitably bottled up. Consider approaching those closest you: Tell them you don’t need them to say anything, that you just want to talk through what’s in your head. If you feel reticent to approach those you know, I would strongly suggest seeking the support of a psychologist or other registered mental health/grief professional that has expertise in suicide to help you move on. I would also seek support online. Some recommended websites are www.suicide.org, www.survivorsofsuicide.com and www.allianceofhope.org. Have faith that with time and with the support of someone you trust, you will be able to move forward in your life. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Coping with Suicidal Thoughts
If you’re thinking about suicide, you’re not alone. Many people have thoughts of suicide, for a number of reasons. Thoughts of suicide can be very scary and coping with suicidal thoughts may seem impossible. You probably feel hurt, confused, overwhelmed and hopeless about your future. You may feel sadness, grief, anger, guilt, shame, or emptiness. It’s easy to think that nothing can be done to change your situation. Your feelings may seem like they are just too much to handle right now. It’s important to know that thinking about suicide does not mean that you will lose control or act on these thoughts. Having thoughts of suicide does not mean you are weak, or ‘crazy’. Many people think about suicide because they are looking for a way to escape the pain they’re feeling. Even though your situation seems hopeless and you wonder if you can stand another minute of feeling this bad, there are ways to get through this and feel better. You don’t have to face this situation alone. Help is available. Coping with Suicidal Thoughts Right Now If you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts now and are possibly feeling unsafe, here are some things you can do right now.
Once you feel like you are out of immediate danger of harming yourself you can take the time to consider long term solutions to coping with suicidal thoughts. Make A Safety Plan Making a safety plan can be very helpful in getting you through those distressing times where you feel unsafe. Having a plan ahead of time ensures you know who you can call and have those people prepared to support you, as well as what activities and places can help you to get through the worst moments. One of the best people to make a safety plan with is a professional, as they are familiar with the process and can help you to brainstorm ideas for the plan when you’re feeling hopeless. If you’re not already connected with a registered psychologist or counsellor we suggest you do so. With the help of professionals and the support of family and friends, you can learn about what is causing your suffering and how you can change or manage it. If you or someone you love is at immediate risk of injury or death, call 911. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Keeping track of our current mental health condition can be difficult. We may be experiencing issues with our mental health but not realize it for several reasons. Such as; living with it our entire life and not knowing the difference, having these problems come on so gradually that we do not notice them, having others telling us that we “are fine”, attributing the issue to something else, or just not thinking that the issue is concerning. This is where self-screening measures can come in handy.
What are “Self-Screening Measures”? These different self-screening measures work by asking you a range of questions (normally multiple choice). Your answers to these questions will help the test asses your current mental condition. Important: While these different measures may be good at giving an assessment of your mental health, they should not be taken as fact. In other words, if you believe you are having mental health problems, it’s best to see a professional for an assessment. What’s Your Stress Index? CMHA.ca/Whats-Your-Stress-Index A quiz that is based entirely on stress. Stress is one of those areas of mental health that can go unnoticed sometimes, but it is also one of the biggest factors for developing a more severe mental health problem. Just like the other quizzes, this one should only be used as a starting point for assessing your stress level. Work-Life Balance Quiz CMHA.ca/Work-Life-Balance-Quiz In society today it is becoming more and more common for individuals to have multiple responsibilities/jobs in their daily life. Someone may have to deal with their work responsibilities, while also being a parent, supporting their partner and possibly their friends. This can make it hard for someone to find time to focus on themselves. This quiz is designed to help you figure out how well you are balancing the many different aspects of your life. Here to Help HeretoHelp.bc.ca A comprehensive website that includes a range of screening self-tests, fact sheets, and interactive toolkits for individuals with mental health issues and their families. Resources exist on a range of areas, including: Abuse; Alcohol & Substance Use; Anxiety Disorders; Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder; Bipolar Disorder; Depression; and Eating Disorders. Foundry FoundryBC.ca An organization designed to help youth and young adults in British Columbia check out how they’re feeling and quickly connect to mental health resources and support. Support includes education, self-care tools, website links, and assistance in connecting to local professional resources. A range of self-check quizzes, as well as self-care and family/friend resources are provided. Mental Health Meter CMHA.ca/Mental-Health-Meter This quiz accesses your score based on areas that have been shown to be involved with good mental health. These are areas like Ability to Enjoy Life, Resilience, Balance, Self-actualization and Flexibility. This quiz gives a more clear overview of your current mental health incase you are feeling like you do not know where to start (i.e. anxiety, depression). |
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