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The question:
I’m a 33-year–old woman, and I am smitten with a man. The problem is, he told mutual friends a month ago that he wasn’t interested in a relationship – but we email, text and flirt almost daily. We have so much in common and I feel challenged. Am I an idiot to let this go on – or will he come around? The answer: Being smitten with a man and engaging in flirtation with him in no way makes you an idiot! It is all part of being human and being attracted to someone. I think the subtext of your question however is more along the lines of “am I thinking our flirtation means more than he thinks it does”. This of course is a valid (and protective) question to ask yourself as it can potentially save you from feeling disappointed or hurt down the road. I have one question for you – and be brutally honest when you answer it: what do you really expect from him and the relationship? You say you have much in common and you feel challenged. I’m certainly not disputing that you may have things in common; clearly there is some level of friendship and attraction that is leading to almost daily contact. But I wonder about your perception of feeling challenged by him. Ask yourself if you feeling challenged by him is simply an artifact of him being unavailable for a relationship. You indicate that he has made it clear that he is not interested in a relationship. His behaviour seems to be inconsistent with what he has said, so I can appreciate this may be confusing. Did he indicate to mutual friends he doesn’t want to be in a relationship at all? That he doesn’t want a relationship with you specifically? Rather than trying to play a guessing game about where he is currently at based on hearsay from others, you may want to simply ask him directly. You have frequent enough contact that you probably can safely interject this question at some point in your communications. Then, take what he says at face value. All too often women tend to hold onto beliefs or hopes that they can somehow change a man and make him want to settle down, even when the complete opposite has been verbalized. (Men do this as well – but in my experience women do this more frequently.) Feeling “smitten” with him and hoping he will “come around” makes me think that you are already starting to feel invested emotionally in the hope that things will develop into something more than they have. It’s okay to continue to email, text and flirt daily if you are able to do so while keeping yourself emotionally distant, and if you are okay with the relationship never developing into anything more than it currently is. But, if you are secretly hoping that somehow he will change, I would suggest you curb the amount of contact and invest energy into someone who is wanting to pursue an actual relationship. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. They have been married for six years and have a child. From what she’s told me about their relationship, it seems like all the signs are pointing to infidelity: things have gone downhill fast and there is no intimacy. She’s asked me what my thoughts are. I think she would be better off without him, but how can I tell her the truth about my feelings? I don’t want to lie. The answer: Keep your opinions to yourself. And if you feel tempted to do otherwise, rewind and repeat that mantra to yourself. Rarely, if ever, does any good come from providing candid opinions about others’ relationships – particularly when the stakes are high given that there is a marriage and a child involved. I understand that your opinion is being sought and that, as a friend, you want to be truthful. However, brutal honesty is not always the best policy. You can still be forthright without necessarily revealing the entirety of your thoughts – this is not being dishonest. You’re simply being a helpful friend by respecting both the relationship and acknowledging that ultimately your girlfriend has to arrive at a decision about what to do next. If any of us went through life fully verbalizing the “bubble above our head,” it’s likely most of our relationships would end. The main consideration here is that you both have a suspicion, but no hard facts about whether or not he is cheating. They are ultimately the only people who can come to a resolution about how their relationship should unfold. As a result, there is little to no value in sharing your opinions. Your role therefore is twofold: to provide her support and help guide her toward making the best decision for herself and their child. Listen to your friend’s concerns and ask her what is making her feel suspicious. Discuss with her the options she thinks she has – waiting and seeing how things transpire, starting a conversation with him, getting more information on her suspicions, etc. Let her know that you will support her however you can, but that you are not in her shoes and that it’s not your place to tell her what to do. There are only two circumstances in which providing your candid thoughts would make sense: if you had objective, first-hand evidence that he was cheating, or if it was the early stages of a new relationship where the potential risks of providing your blunt opinion were low. Meddling in a marriage on limited information does not fit within either one of those situations. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Create Gratitude Practice with Intention
Gratitude is one of my favourite topics. Gratitude is a practice that can have a significant impact on our overall psychological mental health or wellness, and it is one of the simplest practices to adopt. Most of us know what gratitude is, but here I am going to discuss why gratitude is so important and how to practice gratitude with intention as a way of increasing our resilience. “When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” – Lao Tzu What is gratitude? Very simply – it’s having, feeling and expressing appreciation for what one has, or for what others do for you. But gratitude is more than just etiquette – it’s about a state of mind. Studies have shown that people who frequently articulate and express gratitude experience positive benefits across a range of areas:
Why is an intentional gratitude practice so important? Life gets busy – and life is stressful. And when we are busy and stressed, we all have a natural tendency to focus on responding to things in our environment – trudging through our day’s To Do’s and tasks, without really stopping to smell the roses, so to speak. An intentional gratitude practice can help us make sure that we take mini pauses throughout the day where we are Appreciating and Feeling – rather than just Doing. How to Practice Gratitude
How I Practice Gratitude Personally, I identify things I have gratitude for first thing in the morning (I’m a snoozer ~ so I have a few minutes in those early morning hours where I can think uninterrupted!). I pick 3 things – big or small – that I have gratitude for. These don’t have to be new and unique every day – you can certainly put things on repeat! Then, through the day, I bring my mind back to those 3 things. Some of the things I find I routinely have gratitude for are having a safe and secure home, living in Canada, and having running water. I encourage you to try out an intentional gratitude practice for just one week. Remember to identify at least 3 things – big or small – that you have gratitude for, and try to bring your mind back to these things through the day. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
Our son, who was an excellent student and athlete, suddenly dropped out of university and left his summer job in order to pursue a relationship with a woman. He says he is not interested in various possibilities, and that he needs to figure out what to do in life. What should we do? The answer: Watching a child of any age make decisions that you feel aren’t in their best interest is always difficult for a parent. It sounds as though you have understandable concerns that your son is giving up positive opportunities (education, athletics) that would help him build a stable future, in exchange for a relationship that may be temporary. As your son is in university I will assume that he is a young adult – this is important because your influence on your child’s life is dependent upon a number of factors, one of which is age. If he were underage, certainly your role and responsibility would be greater and a more assertive approach may be needed; conversely, if he were in his 30s or 40s, your role would (despite your best intentions or wishes) be quite different, and he likely would be less open to your opinion or advice. I would suggest having a heart-to-heart conversation with your son. Let him know that you want to speak with him about some things that he may not necessarily agree with, but that feel very important to you to bring up. Emphasize that you care for him, and that your only wish is that he have a stable and successful future. Tell him that first and foremost, it is important to you that your discussions do not create any conflict/divide in you and your wife’s relationship with him. Convey your concern and worry that he may be making decisions that, at least from your perspective, would ensure a good future. Let him know that you appreciate that he is trying to figure out what he wants to do in life. Also let him know that you understand that he cares for the woman he is with – this is very important as blaming or bad-mouthing her will only serve to further alienate him. Ask about, and genuinely try to understand his perspective and what has led to his decisions. (It may be that he has thought through his decisions well, even though you may have a hard time understanding or agreeing with them.) It sounds as though you feel his decision to abandon other pursuits is fully attributable to the woman he is with, but it may be that he was already considering making some changes, and that the relationship simply became a trigger. Remain supportive, and stay focused on keeping an open and respectful relationship with your son. At the end of the day, you need to trust his decision as he is an adult. Try to keep the channels of communication open, and let him know that you are always there to provide parental advice when or if he needs it. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I suppose this is a problem of old age, but I think constantly about my ex-husband, who has been dead for almost 40 years. Could this be from unresolved trauma? It was not a happy marriage. The answer: Regularly thinking about someone who was an important part of your life – good or bad – even years or decades after they have died is not unusual. Grief is a mysterious creature and the process can be so unpredictable, and so very individual. Thoughts of someone who has died tend to be more frequent and intense when the death was of someone particularly close (a partner, a child). The grieving process is protracted when the death is untimely, unexpected or particularly traumatic or tragic. Having unresolved or complicated emotions from the relationship while the person was alive can also play a role, as you have alluded. As a society, we are strangely ill-equipped to deal with death. I am often asked questions about how long it will take to “get over” a loss, or how one can deal with “unresolved issues” when it comes to their grieving. My experience – both personally in dealing with the death of my father, as well as professionally – is that we never really get over the death of someone that was an important part of our life. We simply learn to cope better over time. Whether your thoughts are a problem depends on a few factors. First, when you say “constantly,” what do you mean? I have many patients who will describe thinking on a daily basis about their deceased loved one. A fleeting thought on most days, even decades later, is not necessarily unusual. Consider the intensity of the emotions associated with thoughts of your ex-husband. Are they neutral thoughts that pop in and out of your head, and don’t interfere with your day-to-day activities? Or, do you find you get stuck in a ruminative state that causes a high degree of emotional stress? There is no magic formula for how long it takes to cope well after a death. But most people will find that it can take from a few months to a few years to get back to their usual mood and activities, and have thoughts of their loved one without breaking down or becoming overly emotional. Four decades later, you still sound disturbed by the quality or quantity of thoughts you are having about your ex-husband – so clearly something needs to change. Spend some time reflecting on what impact his death had. Do you feel that there were unsaid things that you want to communicate to him that you never did? Do you have anger or regret at yourself for not doing things differently, such as leaving the marriage earlier? Are there elements of self-blame or shame for decisions you did or didn’t make? Have you made efforts to move on in your life, or is your past relationship still affecting current-day decisions? Doing some soul-searching on the above can help you move forward. Start by writing down your thoughts in a journal; every time you get stuck on a thought, note what it is specifically that’s in your head, and what it means about your life now. This can be a very powerful exercise. If you find this doesn’t make things better, joining a grief support group or seeking the help of a therapist may be of benefit. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  How to Declutter to Reduce Anxiety: Tips for a minimalist lifestyle
There is so much talk when it comes to “minimalism” and decluttering our “stuff”. Often, people are stuck in terms of where to start, or don’t even quite understand what minimalism means to them: it is different for everybody. Here I’ll discuss how to declutter to reduce anxiety in order to create a balance between what you love to have in your life, while also maintaining a clutter-free environment with fewer things you don’t need. Why should we be concerned with minimalism and having a clutter-free environment? For starters, there’s a lot of wisdom in the old adage about a cluttered environment leading to a cluttered mind. Too much (of anything) around us leads to reduced focus, efficiency, and a general state of emotional or even physical ‘chaos’. Why does clutter lead to anxiety and stress?
Most people have too much stuff, more than they want or need. For about 6% of the population, this tendency to over-collect and under-purge turns into a clinical compulsive hoarding condition. Hoarding: How is it different from having excessive stuff? This article isn’t about hoarding in particular but let’s define it so we know what the difference is between hoarding and simply having an excess of ‘stuff’. For those who are compulsively hoarding, a few criteria need to be met. A person collects and keeps a lot of items, even things that appear useless or of little value to most people; these items clutter the living spaces and keep the person from using their rooms as they were intended; and, these items cause distress or problems in day-to-day activities. How to Declutter to Maintain Balance Personally, I have found the rule of “if you haven’t worn or used something for a year, purge” not that helpful or practical. There are many items I have and will, or do, use that don’t necessarily meet those criteria. Several years ago, I watched and was significantly impacted, by Minimalism: A Documentary About the Important Things. Now don’t get me wrong – I’m by no means close to being a minimalist. I have a long, long, long way to go. However, after watching this documentary I have found myself to be substantially more aware and intentional about the items I purchase. As well as which items come into our home (getting better at purging is the area I’m still continuing to see as a work in progress!). One of the things that stood out to me from the documentary was to ask yourself one simple question when bringing something in or out of your home: does it have beauty or function? If neither – then out it goes. This is a question I find I repeatedly ask myself when considering a purchase that I may not need. It’s also a question I ask myself when I find I’m resisting letting go of something. How to Declutter Pick only one room in your home you want to declutter. Then break it into sections: for example, in your bathroom, you could have “sink counter”, “medicine cabinet” and “under sink cupboard” as 3 different areas. Make a commitment to purge one area a week. As you review each item within that area, ask yourself: is it either functional or beautiful? Then, move onto another room. I find I can get overwhelmed if I try to do larger purges, and so starting with a drawer or cupboard at a time can be a great way to start! If you’re still having trouble, try making it fun. Put on your favourite upbeat music as you’re organizing it will likely make time feel as though it’s going by quicker. Once you start to see the positive impact of decluttering and living a more minimalist lifestyle, it will get easier and you will find yourself being more intentional about the things you bring into your home. Now that you have some tips on how to declutter I challenge you to start on your next free day! Start small but it will make a difference. By Dr. Melanie Badali, R.Psych.  5 Keys to Successful Goal Setting
There’s something about the start of a new year that motivates us to change. A fresh start to the year makes it the perfect time to clarify our values or vision and set strategic goals. But we all know it’s easier to set goals than it is to actually accomplish them. So, let’s talk about the keys to successful goal setting by expanding our SMART goals and learn to CRAFT our goals. These tips will increase our chances of success. We talk about resolutions at this time of year. Why? Because we need resolve – we need to be committed if our dreams are to become reality. But even resolutions, which start out as firm decisions to do something (or not do something), start to fade and can end up dying out before we succeed. So how can we set ourselves up to achieve our goals? What’s the secret to success? It turns out we don’t need to uncover a secret – we can just dive into the more than 1,000 research studies done on goal setting to find some effective strategies and troubleshoot where we may be getting tripped up. Smart Goal Setting When most people think about tips for successful goal setting, the acronym and mnemonic device “SMART” comes to mind. While there are different interpretations of SMART goals – the most popular appear to be Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Time-bound/Timely. Research shows that goals with these qualities, among others, can increase motivation and improve the chances of success. If SMART goals as you know them are working well for you – that’s great. If you want to crank things up a notch by incorporating SMART goal setting into a broader framework informed by Goal-Setting Theory – keep reading to learn how to CRAFT your goals better. The industrial/organizational (I/O) psychologists Dr. Edwin Locke and Dr. Gary Latham, developed Goal-setting Theory based on more than 400 research studies. Put simply, they theorize that specific, hard goals lead to a higher level of task performance than easy goals or vague, abstract goals when the person is committed to the goal, has the ability to attain it, and is not constrained by the situation or conflicting goals. They identified the following five goal-setting principles that can help improve your chances of success: Clarity, Challenge, Commitment, Feedback and Task Complexity. I love a good mnemonic device so I decided to tweak the wording of this classic research slightly so these key ingredients can be easily remembered with the acronym CRAFT. Successful Goal Setting: CRAFT Your Goals
1 - Clarity A clear, specific, measurable goal with a concrete timeline for completion is more achievable than a vague or abstract goal. For example, a goal such as “deposit $100 in savings account every Friday” is clearer than “save money”. The S (specific), M (measurable), and T (time-bound) qualities of SMART goals fit here. 2 - Reach (Challenge) Choose a level of difficulty in order to motivate you to strive toward the goal. Too easy? You get bored. Too hard? You get frustrated. Set yourself up for success here. Reach enough past your comfort zone that you can feel good about what you have done. Think about the A (attainable) of SMART goals here. Aim for a hard goal within your ability. Something you can reach but have to stretch for is your target. Choosing an R (relevant) goal will also be helpful here – challenging yourself can be uncomfortable so you want it to be worth it! 3 - Adherence (Commitment) Research shows that commitment to the goal is enhanced by self-efficacy (task-specific confidence) and viewing the goal as important and meaningful. The R (relevant) of SMART goals comes in here. If the goal is not relevant – it will be harder to commit to and stick with when the going gets tough (why bother?). Put your values into action and commit to your goal – be willing to adhere or stick to it even when things get tough. 4 - Feedback People need feedback in order to track their progress and course-correct, if necessary. Set up a method to receive information on your progress toward a goal. If the goal turns out to be too hard, you have time to adjust your goal or plan of action midway through the timeline rather than give up entirely. The M (measurable) and T (time-bound) from SMART goals come in here as well. Choose something that can be measured over time helps you get feedback and stay on track. Feedback can also be rewarding and motivating. 5 - Task Complexity Task knowledge is harder to acquire on complex or complicated tasks so set goals in line with the task’s complexity. Give yourself enough time to account for the learning curve and/or consider chunking tasks into smaller steps. The A (attainable) of SMART goals is relevant here. Consider whether you have the requisite ability to achieve the goal. If you do not, you may need to either adjust your goal, come up with a plan to develop your skills, or delegate parts of the task. Situational Constraints: Trouble Shooting Tip CRAFT+S Goal setting and achievement do not occur in a vacuum. Situational factors are relevant. It’s not just about you. You need to ask yourself whether you have the necessary resources to accomplish the task. Researchers Brown, Jones, and Leigh (2005) found that goals affected performance only when role overload (excess work without the necessary resources to accomplish a task) was low. You can be a superstar with self-efficacy and ability but if there are situational constraints (e.g., insufficient resources) – you may find yourself coming up short on your goals. Consider whether there are ways to overcome situational barriers to your success and incorporate them into your plan. Feeling motivated to change? You can do it! Set yourself up for success – start goal setting using CRAFT goals. Need More Support? Successful goal setting can be challenging, particularly on the heels of an extremely challenging year. If you’re having trouble getting started, or want extra support with goal setting this year, reach out to the Psychological Health & Safety Clinic to get up a consultation with a counsellor. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Why go to Therapy?
Many people consider going to therapy for a significant amount of time before they make the commitment. With the stigma that is still attached to therapy, many people ask themselves ‘why go to therapy?’ or ‘do I really need to go therapy?’ or ‘is it really bad enough to go to therapy?’. These questions make a lot of sense, but therapy isn’t just for those suffering from diagnosable mental illnesses – therapy is for everyone. What is a psychologist? As a registered psychologist, this is a question I get all the time. We are specialists in human behaviour. Psychologists have a doctorate in psychology, and there are two main different types of psychologists:
Psychologists are different from psychiatrists in that we have our Ph.D. and we do not prescribe medication. Where psychiatrists have an MD and specialize in psychiatry. Psychiatrists typically work with more serious mental illnesses and place a strong emphasis on treatment by medication. Whereas psychologists deliver therapy through evidence-based talk therapies. I’m a clinical psychologist, and there are a few unique skills that clinical psychologists have. We have a broad based understanding of human behaviour; we have expertise in assessment, not only of mental health conditions but of personality, cognitive status, and learning styles; and, finally, our training has a heavy emphasis on research. So we are well positioned to review the evidence base of treatments and interventions that exist for mood-related conditions. Should you go to therapy? At the risk of sounding biased, I firmly believe we can all benefit from the support, perspective, and guidance of an objective, competent, and specialized professional for various issues at different points in our lives. This is true for any area of life with which we are struggling – physical health (physician), our taxes (accountant), selling a home (realtor), or our emotional health (psychologist/clinical counsellor). Often, the problem isn’t whether or not we ‘should’ go to therapy because most, if not all, of us could benefit from therapy. The problem lies in the stigma attached to going to therapy so instead many people are asking whether or not they ‘need’ to go to therapy. 3 Reasons you should consider therapy
What if you already tried therapy and it didn’t work? There are numerous reasons why you may feel as though your current therapy, or previous attempts at therapy, may not have worked. That is very real and you should listen to that feeling, but that does not mean therapy will never work for you. Depending on what you have sought therapy for, it may take longer than you’d hoped to start seeing results. That can feel incredibly frustrating, particularly because therapy takes a significant amount of investment both in terms of time and money. It’s also important to note that an important part of being successful in therapy is the therapeutic relationship: specifically, the relationship between you and the clinical psychologist or other practitioners. So, it’s helpful to take the time to find the right fit. Ask others for advice or referrals, do your research online, and set up an initial consultation to see if there is a fit. Final Thoughts If you have been thinking about seeing a therapist, I really encourage you to take that first step starting today. Contact the Psychological Health & Safety Clinic today to start on the path to finding the right fit for you! All of our clinicians offer a complimentary brief phone consultation to see if there is a fit. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Valentine’s Day isn’t Designed for Queer Couples
Valentine’s Day is a consumer ‘holiday’ that we’re bombarded with starting in the middle of January – whether you like it or not. Not only are red, white and pink treats and branded presents at almost every store, but we are shown images of happy couples in advertisements everywhere. Not only is this challenging for those who are single around Valentines Day, but it can also be challenging for those who identify somewhere on the LGBTQ+ spectrum. Valentine’s Day isn’t designed for queer couples. Why isn’t Valentine’s Day Queer? For many folks who identify as queer, Valentine’s Day is a reminder that their identity isn’t represented which can make them feel invisible or unimportant. It does this by reinforcing the idea that ‘ideal’ and happy relationships are heterosexual, monogamous, sexual and romantic. And really anyone who doesn’t fit into that ideal feels as though they’re failing somehow. Think about the things we are surrounded by this time of year. Jewelry commercials are almost always depicting cisgender heterosexual couples and upholding the traditional gender norm of ‘the man’ giving a beautiful and expensive gift to his female partner. We see the same ideas reflected in the products; such as “His & Hers” monogrammed items and cards specifically address to husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend. And if/when we attempt to participate in Valentine’s Day we are likely to be met by heternormative assumptions. For example, “oh your boyfriend will love this” when purchasing a gift. Or having a server at a restaurant assuming your gender or relationship status. Yes, queer representation and queer-focused products do exist, and this continues to improve – but the ones that are available are not easily accessible. And the images we are bombarded with are of straightness. Though being queer does not mean we have to reject Valentine’s Day as a whole. We all deserve to be able to celebrate our love no matter what it looks like. Many in the queer community are already good at subverting the norms, reclaiming and celebrating all types of love. So, how can you celebrate Valentine’s Day as a queer person? 1. Have a movie night in with your loved one(s) or your close friends. Valentine’s Day does not have to be about romantic love, so spend the day with people that you care about and find some great queer-focused films to watch together. Consider this list as a great starting point. 2. Buy (or make) a queer-friendly Valentine’s Day card. It’s less likely that you’re going to walk into a Hallmark store and find a card that represents your identity so start thinking about it early. Give yourself to find some cool cards online (Etsy is a great place to start) or consider making your own. 3. Support queer businesses. 4. Go out with a group of queer couples (or as singles) to increase your visibility. 5. Consider making a Valentine’s donation to an LGBTQ+ organization rather than buying presents. If you’re in Vancouver consider one of the following options:
Remember that Valentine’s Day is just another day and regardless of how you feel about it, your relationship status, or your sexual orientation or gender identity you are valid and you will get through the day. Try to surround yourself with positive representations of queerness and queer love and remind yourself that love doesn’t have to look the way it’s advertised to you. Keep doing you! For those who don’t identify as LGBTQ+ but also don’t love the way relationships are represented during Valentine’s Day or simply want to support your queer friends during this time of year what can you do? How to be a queer ally during Valentine's Day 1. Don’t assume someone has plans for Valentine’s Day. Meaning, don’t ask what their plans are unless you explicitly know they plan to celebrate it. This not only helps to support queer folks who don’t want to celebrate Valentine’s Day but also those who are single and don’t want to be reminded they don’t have plans (or at least not traditional plans). 2. Don’t assume the gender of someone’s partner. (Really you should never assume someone’s gender.) 3. Don’t make assumptions about or judge how someone chooses to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Remember – Valentine’s Day is ultimately about celebrating love – which at its heart involves connection and unconditional acceptance. Consider ways you can connect and unconditionally accept yourself and others around you this Valentine’s Day. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  How to survive Valentine’s Day being single
Valentine’s Day is challenging for many people, but it can feel particularly difficult when we’re single. This, of course, is not surprising given it’s the day of the year that has an explicit focus on couples, relationships and ideas of never-ending romantic love. Many single people will describe just wishing those days would hurry up and be over. As they feel particularly lonely, much more than they may at any other time of the year. So, let’s talk about how to survive Valentine’s Day being single. Making ourselves do something to rebel against the idea of Valentine’s Day often doesn’t work. A ‘single’s party’ for example can ironically have the opposite effect and further amplify your single status; and, having a first date just for the sake of a date certainly can feel fake and forced. How to Survive Valentine’s Day So, what can we do to get through the day on Valentine’s Day when we may feel particularly lonely? Think about just doing something for yourself that’s a treat or makes you feel special – such as draw yourself a bubble bath or make yourself a nice dinner. (Though consider avoiding restaurants as you’re likely to be surrounded by couples). This can be extended from just treating yourself to taking time to think about what makes you special. When we’re feeling lonely it can be easy for us to fall into a negative thinking pattern about ourselves that may lead to feeling unloved or unloveable. Take the time to boost your self-esteem by writing these things down. Consider writing about what you love most about yourself; what others appreciate about you; and, the special skills or talents you have that you are proud of or that others admire. Or spend time with someone you love. Valentine’s Day doesn’t only have to be about romantic love. As humans, we’re social creatures and are dependent on the social bonds we develop. The romantic bonds are not inherently better or more valuable than other relationships. Spend the evening with someone you care about in your family, or a close friend. Remember Valentine’s Day is a day just like any other (also true for the other holidays!) This can be hard to do when we are bombarded by images of flowers, balloons, chocolates and other testimonials attesting to one’s love for another person every which way we look – TV, stores, and even in our office. But it is just one day and there are 364 others that are not surrounded by multiple images of coupledom. Changing Our feelings about Valentines Day But maybe just getting through the day isn’t enough. This time of year many people find themselves saying “I love being single every day except Valentine’s Day”. If this is true it might be time to re-think your feelings about Valentine’s Day and why you may be feeling this way. How to re-think Valentine's Day 1. List the feelings and thoughts Valentine’s Day evokes for you, and try to specifically articulate what it is that feels emotionally upsetting or uncomfortable. Are you feeling lonely? Hopeless? Are feelings of being unlovable being triggered? Then, challenge whether these are accurate. (It being Valentine’s Day doesn’t make the thoughts true!) 2. Often there may be a tendency to fully reject the notion of wanting to have a partner in our life – we may even convince ourselves this is a sign of weakness. But consider asking this: why does feeling that we need another person seem awful?
3. Try to understand what it is you’re reacting to – if you are saying you “love” being single every other day but are feeling “awful” on Valentine’s Day, there’s a disconnect in the intensity of the feelings. Perhaps you aren’t loving being single as much as you feel at times. This may be hard to admit or acknowledge, but it may be important information in that it may motivate us to make some active changes in our life that can help us to work on changing our relationship status. 4. In the interim, it is okay to do the best you can to get through the day on Valentine’s Day – it’s a struggle for many people, not just those who are single. Regardless of how we approach Valentine’s Day it is important to remind ourselves that the negative feelings will abate (as they always do) and that the 24 hours will be over before we know it. |
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