By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I love my boyfriend very much, he is warm, loving and giving. However, when I imagine my life five years from now I have a hard time seeing him in it. We come from different academic backgrounds – I have a B.A. and a college certificate, he never finished college. I want to get married and have kids, and while he says he wants to, he only very recently starting saving. Sometimes I feel I’m being snobbish or not giving him enough time to change. After a three-year relationship, I don’t know whether to wait this out or to leave. This has consumed my thoughts for four months and is making me so anxious I almost have panic attacks. What should I do? The answer: The amount of distress you are feeling about whether or not to continue your relationship – and the fact that you are even questioning whether you see him in your future – is the biggest sign you have about what to do next. Fleeting doubts and questions about long-term compatibility are very normal and come and go even in long-term, solid relationships. Pervasive and significant doubts that last months or longer are not. Often, our emotional reactions provide us with useful information about our circumstances, even before we can verbally articulate what those reasons are. You are likely reacting to a number of factors, and you know at a gut level that the relationship, for a range of reasons, is not the best fit for you. You need to trust this reaction. All too often we go through life ignoring our intuition – despite the fact that it often tells us what we need to know. Think about the significant decisions in your life so far, with a particular focus on regrets you have or mistakes you made. Likely, your intuition almost always gave you a sign as to what to do, but you ignored it. There are clearly a number of very positive attributes about your boyfriend that you admire. However, the reality of long-term relationship success is that there often needs to be compatibility at a number of levels such as personality, interests, and finances. Are these differences that the two of you could potentially work through? Yes, of course. However, forcing the issue and trying to work hard at accepting fundamental differences between the two of you isn’t necessarily the best way to move forward given the extent of doubts you already have. You are clearly torn about what to do, and not yet ready to let go. Given this, the next step for you – both for peace of mind, and to do justice to the three years you have spent together – is to have some candid conversations. You will need to balance being respectful with being straightforward – for example, rather than specifically outlining the differences in education (which may feel very hurtful to him) you may say that you worry your personalities and career interests are very different. These conversations will likely be heart-wrenching, but it is what you need to do. Keep in mind that it is possible to have love for another person without being in love with them and spending your life together. And, it will be much less painful to end the relationship now, rather than down the road if you were married and/or had children. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m dreading seeing certain members of my family over the holidays. I wish I enjoyed spending time with them more but I end up feeling tense and uncomfortable. How can I make the best of it? The answer: You are not alone: The holidays are one of the most stressful times of the year for many people. Most of us are trying to do too much in too little time at this time of year. December and January are months where we incur the highest amounts of debt. The dark and dreary days negatively impact mood for many people and can compound existing stressors. Add to the mix the fact this is one of the only times of year that we are thrown together with our relatives – whether we like them are not – and you have a perfect recipe for stress! There are a number of things you can do to make the holidays go more smoothly:
Finally, try to find what humour you can in your family situation. Remind yourself that the season will soon be over, and you will get through it like you do every year. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My 12-year-old still believes in Santa. It’s embarrassing, but he’s still so hopeful and it’s endearing. I feel responsible. How do I tell him without crushing his spirit? The answer: The short answer? Tell him the truth. The longer answer is that, for me, one of the most amazing things about children is the innocence and enthusiasm of their beliefs. Parents can feel heartbroken, shattering these beliefs with the reality of life – particularly when they have such awe about the wonders of the world. However, this is a part of raising a child and preparing them for the real world. Remember that children can be cruel, and given that he is of an age where the majority of kids know and accept that Santa does not exist – let him know sooner rather than later so that he is not unnecessarily teased. Keep in mind that our modern day Santa has several core roots, including Saint Nicholas who was a historical saint and bishop from the 4th Century. So, there is in fact a historic Santa that does exist – just not the way your son (and most other children) believe. This is important to communicate to him when you break the news – so that he does not feel that he has been told a completely fabricated piece of information. See this as a teaching opportunity. You can introduce the topic by telling your child of Saint Nicholas and how he was recognized and admired for his secret gift-giving. You can talk about the value behind unconditional giving to those that are less fortunate and in need. And then you can gently let your son know that there are actually many “Santa-type” people in the world – that care for and give to others, such as parents, grandparents and other loved ones. Depending on his intellectual maturity, you can describe to him that the Santa portrayed in the media and in the public is a metaphor for or a symbol of those that give. And ultimately you can let him know that it is you, not the big man in red, who provides him with gifts. He may get upset or tearful. He may ask you why you have lied – and you should be honest. State that this is part of the tradition of Christmas, it is part of what makes Christmas fun, and that virtually all other kids (and likely you, at one point) believe in Santa. Remember – parents have been breaking the news that Santa really doesn’t exist for decades, and will continue to do so with no evidence of any long term damage to kids. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My teen daughter is fat. She’s way over her normal BMI, and I’ve tried talking to her – politely – and asking if she wants to go to the gym together, or work out a healthy meal plan. It just seems to make it worse – she eats way more after our talks. What can I do? The answer: There are two main things you need to consider: the factors that contribute to your daughter’s current weight and the manner in which your concerns have been communicated to her. You say that your daughter is “way over” her normal Body Mass Index (BMI). I will assume that she falls close to or within the “obese” range. By definition, obesity is a medical condition where amount of body fat may adversely and significantly impact health, including increasing the likelihood that one will develop a range of serious health conditions and contributing to shortened life expectancy. For these reasons, expressing your concern and trying to improve your daughter’s health is important. Try to support her to make some changes. For all of us, our weight is the result of many factors – including those that are out of our control (e.g., genetic predisposition) as well as factors that are controllable (e.g., eating habits, exercise/activity levels). Unidentified or untreated health conditions (e.g., thyroid dysfunction) may also play a role. For this latter reason, ensure your daughter has had a recent medical examination. Unfortunately there is considerable stigma in our society regarding weight issues. I wonder to what extent your daughter has dealt with teasing or negative attitudes from family, friends, and kids at school. This could likely be contributing significantly to her feelings of low confidence and self-esteem, including feelings of shame and even low mood or depression. Your daughter may feel hopeless – particularly when kids deal with obesity from a young age, they may develop strongly ingrained beliefs that nothing they do will be effective in terms of changing their situation. You indicate that your daughter eats “way more” after your talks. Many individuals (even those that do not struggle with obesity) engage in emotionally-driven eating and this leads me to think she is likely becoming highly stressed after your conversations. Think about how you are approaching these conversations: it is important to remain non-judgmental, non-accusatory and supportive in your verbal and non-verbal communication. Express to her genuinely why you are concerned about her weight rather than telling her what to do (as this may come across as lecturing and critical). Ask her what her goals for weight/food/exercise are, and if there are ways that you can support her goals. The reality is she may find it too difficult to speak openly to you given history. Offer to help her find a professional (family doctor, dietitian, nutritionist, psychologist) with whom she could speak to openly and confidentially. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m in my early 30s and I do want kids – eventually, just not now. I just don’t feel ready, yet as a woman I know the clock’s ticking. How do I prepare myself for what I imagine will be a sea of change in my life? The answer: The short answer? There is no way to fully prepare (ever) for the changes children bring! Now, for the longer answer … Our societal demographics are changing substantively, particularly for women. More women are pursuing higher levels of education. They are putting off co-habitating with partners or getting married (or remaining single by choice). An increasing number are becoming the primary household breadwinners. They are waiting longer to have children, and many are choosing to not have kids at all. As a woman in your early 30s, it is good to hear you recognize that on one hand you realize you aren’t quite ready for kids, yet on the other hand understand that there are some biological considerations you need to be mindful of. Unfortunately, the plethora of images we see in the media, particularly of celebrities who are having children well into their 40s, leads many to have a false perception of the ease with which a woman can get pregnant as she ages. The reality is that fertility starts to decrease as a woman moves into her mid to late 30s. The risk of pregnancy complications and health issues (both for mom and baby) also rise. While it’s true that many women can easily get pregnant and carry the baby healthy to term even well into their 40s, a significant number do struggle and encounter fertility or pregnancy-related difficulties as they age. The question of how to prepare oneself for the significant life changes that come along with having a child (or children) is one I am often asked. The reality is this is almost impossible to do. If you were to ask any parent this question, he or she would tell you the same thing. However, there are a number of life situations you can think about in order to prepare. Are you in a stable, respectful, loving relationship? Having a child to either “save” a failing relationship or in spite of significant relationship issues because of the perceived pressures of the proverbial clock ticking is almost always a bad idea. Are you in a secure position financially? Can you manage the increasing financial demands a child or children will place on you? Designing a baby budget is a great idea to gauge your position in this regard. Do you feel like there are dreams you have that are immensely important to you that you want to achieve before having a child (e.g., backpacking across Europe for a few months)? If so, plan this into your life. Are you willing to accept that for a fair number of years your primary focus in life will shift significantly and you will have no choice but to sacrifice most things in your life for children? When you think about not being ready, what does that mean to you? Put pen to paper and try to articulate in clear, specific words what your fears are. This may help identify how to best move forward. There is no rule book that can help you prepare for the myriad changes children bring to your lifestyle, and at some point you need to weigh the pros and cons and take a leap of faith. Working toward creating a stable life circumstance with respect to relationship, finances and emotional health is the best thing you can do to prepare. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My daughter and I are close, but we can’t seem to communicate well. She’s in her 30s, but as long as I can remember we lose our temper or snap at each other over the smallest or biggest things. This starts to get embarrassing when we’re among family or friends and can’t seem to talk politely. I’ve tried to talk to her about it but usually the changes are short-lived. Is it just too late and are we too set in our ways to change the behaviour? The answer: None of us are ever too set in our ways to change our behaviour – we have free will over our actions and full control over the way that we choose to conduct ourselves with others. Now, does this mean that changing the patterns of communication you and your daughter have will be easy or happen overnight? Of course not. Family interactions are often the toughest to change. The dynamics that exist in families are long-standing, and the communication that we adopt is often established at a very young age. The more time that passes, the more resistant to change these patterns become. Interestingly enough, we also tend to feel most helpless or give up the easiest when it comes to changing our family relationships. Strange, isn’t it, when most of us consider these to be among the most important and defining relationships in our life? Start by stepping back and get a big-picture perspective on the reasons your communication is so poor. Is the way you communicate with each other similar to how you interact with others in your life? Does your communication represent a more pervasive style each of you has with others or is it limited to your relationship only? What types of issues trigger conflict? Do you each react to in-the-moment situations, or are there bigger underlying issues that have remained unsaid or unaddressed between the two of you? Keep in mind that there is only one person’s behaviour you have control over – yours. You cannot, no matter how much you wish, force your daughter to act or react in a different manner. Be brutally honest with yourself about the elements you are contributing the situation. Ask a family member or friend whom you trust to weigh in objectively. What nonverbal behaviours (tone, posture, facial expressions) change for you when you are around your daughter? Are there hot-topic buttons that you purposely or inadvertently push? How do you respond when she gets snappy? Once you have identified the verbal and nonverbal behaviours you bring to the mix, have a discussion with your daughter. Express to her that you want your style of communication to change. Let her know what you will work on adjusting (be specific and detailed). Ask her what else you can do that would make things better for her (there are likely things you do or say that trigger her that you may be unaware of). Be mindful of not reinforcing her behaviour. For example, if she gets short with you, do not engage or escalate your response – simply stay silent or walk away (assuming the behaviour does not violate a personal boundary or become abusive – in which case you would need to establish parameters). Even if your daughter is unwilling to take a look at her contribution, it is almost impossible for her behaviour to not naturally start to change once you truly commit to changing yours. After all, communication is inherently bidirectional, and our responses are shaped significantly by the responses of those we are interacting with. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Ahhh, relationships…
No matter what gets people through the therapy door, relationship-related challenges are often what keep people in the room – whether it’s our family relationships, social or work relationships, or our intimate relationships. Our intimate relationships, in particular, can be so beautiful, and also a source of such angst – particularly when we are with someone who we may know is not the right fit for us, or who isn’t as invested in us as we are in them. When they just aren’t that into you We often intuitively know if someone is as “into us” as we are into them – but often we ignore these feelings. We may hold out hope that the person’s feelings will change or grow, we may try to convince ourselves that we don’t care as much as we do and can keep it casual, we may blame ourselves for not being ‘good enough,’ or we may excuse their behaviour by becoming overly empathetic to their plight to ‘figure things out’ at the expense of putting our own needs far below theirs. Moving forward from unrequited love When relationships are not mutually beneficial, it’s important to understand the reasons why and take steps to move forward emotionally. So, what can you do to move forward?
Good luck with moving on and finding the love you deserve! Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth People often turn to their friends for support with difficulties in their romantic relationship and bluntly ask for their opinion. Rarely, if ever, does any good come from providing candid opinions about others’ relationships – particularly when the stakes are high (if they’ve been together for a long time or have children, for example). Some of the difficult-category questions we receive may range from ‘do you like my partner’ to ‘should I stay with them’ or ‘do you think they are cheating?’.
The best general advice? Keep your unfiltered and unedited opinions to yourself. And if you feel tempted to do otherwise, rewind and repeat that mantra. Brutal honesty is not always the best policy When asked for a candid opinion from someone you care about, you want to be truthful. However, brutal honesty is not always the best policy, especially when there’s the potential to provide advice or input a friend may not be willing or open to receive. Sometimes not providing our honest opinions can feel misleading or untruthful; however, if any of us went through life fully verbalizing the “bubble above our head,” it’s likely most of our relationships would end. We make the best decisions for ourselves Ultimately the people in a relationship are the ones that have to decide what to do next, and they are ultimately the only people who can come to a resolution about how their relationship should unfold. So, when asked for advice in these types of situations your role is twofold: to provide friends support when they ask for it and help guide them toward making the best decision for themselves. What are some ways we can approach situations where we are asked for our candid, unfiltered advice – and we know that advice is probably not what our friend wants to hear?
Remember, when it comes to other people’s relationships, good questions asked are better than candid opinions given! Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My wife is inconsolable after three miscarriages. What can I do? The answer: There are a number of things that may be help your wife through this difficult and understandably emotional time. First, resist the tendency to problem-solve. Let her know that you love and care about her, and that you want to support her as best as you can. Acknowledge that you don’t fully understand or appreciate what she is experiencing, but communicate that you want to understand. Then listen to her. Many men have a tendency to want to try to problem-solve or find a solution, but many women feel that they just need the opportunity to express what they are feeling. Being overly positive (e.g., “don’t worry, next time I know things will work out”) may feel invalidating to her. Ask her what you can do that would be helpful. We all cope in different ways and need different types of support from our loved ones. Ask her what you may be inadvertently doing or saying that is unhelpful. Ensure that you are present for any appointments that she is attending with respect to managing her health post-miscarriage, and also in terms of appointments moving forward to investigate causes of the miscarriages. Although the rates of having one miscarriage are quite high (15-20 per cent, with the bulk of these miscarriages occurring within the first seven weeks of pregnancy), the rates do increase with previous number of miscarriages and concerns your wife may be having about the viability of future pregnancies may be a realistic yet also saddening or frightening thought. Many women may experience a grief reaction, where they go through a number of emotional stages before they get to a stage of acceptance. These stages may include: denial that the loss has occurred; anger at having to deal with multiple losses; bargaining for the situation to be different; and sadness or depression. Keep in mind that you may be also experiencing your own emotional reactions to this, and ensure that you are getting the support you need as well. A number of factors impact the manner in which a woman copes with pregnancy loss: how early in the pregnancy the miscarriage occurs; the woman’s age; whether there are previous children; and the number of previous losses. These factors impact the bond a woman starts to make with her child (which is qualitatively different and often much stronger than the bond a father makes in early stages of pregnancy) and may amplify other worries, concerns or anxieties the woman has both about her fertility and the viability of having another child. At some point you both may benefit from speaking to a mental health professional, who can address if she is experiencing any clinical levels of depression or anxiety. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My daughter gets excellent grades and wants to be a doctor. She’s been accepted for pre-med at several schools with full scholarship. But now she’s talking about taking a year off before university. I think she’s scared that things won’t be as easy for her as in high school, but I’m worried that a year off will only deepen her anxiety and knock her careers plans off course. What should I do? The answer: As a parent, one of the most important things you want is to see your children be happy, healthy and thrive in their lives. The desire to protect your children and navigate them toward the best decisions is deeply ingrained. So it’s natural that this situation is creating some distress for you. First, congratulations on raising not only an intelligent, but what sounds to be an insightful daughter. The reality is that university is a very different playing field than high school, and her worry is not unwarranted. Worry or anxiety is not a bad thing; we have it for a reason. It mobilizes an action or a response to deal with a stressful (or perceived stressful) situation; it indicates to us that we value the thing we are feeling worried about; and it communicates to those around us that we may need some support. Your daughter’s response is a normal reaction to a coming and significant transition in her life. There are a few things I would suggest you do: Try to understand the depth of your daughter’s anxiety. Find out whether her desire to take a year off is fully precipitated by anxiety or if other considerations are playing a role. Give her reassurance about her ability to successfully cope with the transition. And openly communicate your concerns to her. Start by saying how proud you are of her and that your desire as a parent is to see her succeed and excel in life. Convey that you understand she is worried about things being harder at university and that she is right that things may be challenging. Let her know that you have confidence in her skills to adjust. Ask her what is motivating her to take a year off and what she wants to do in that time. Then listen. You indicate that you think her decision is motivated by fear, but this may be a very small part of it. She may be thinking that if she is going to take a break from school, now is the time before she starts to undertake a decade-plus of additional schooling. The reality is that it will be much more difficult to consider a year off once she begins her studies. Perhaps she is thinking of travelling, or working and making money. If she continues to live at home, establish some motivating parameters. For example, let her know that if she is not attending school she is expected to work and pay rent, and that she needs to increase her contribution to the household (through cleaning, cooking and so on). To calm your worry, remind yourself that for most young adults, a year of working in the real world at what will likely be a low paying, less than ideal job actually has the opposite effect of motivating them to go back to school sooner. Ultimately, you need to trust your daughter’s decision as she is an adult, and also have confidence that you have raised a young woman who will make the right decision. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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