By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My daughter gets excellent grades and wants to be a doctor. She’s been accepted for pre-med at several schools with full scholarship. But now she’s talking about taking a year off before university. I think she’s scared that things won’t be as easy for her as in high school, but I’m worried that a year off will only deepen her anxiety and knock her careers plans off course. What should I do? The answer: As a parent, one of the most important things you want is to see your children be happy, healthy and thrive in their lives. The desire to protect your children and navigate them toward the best decisions is deeply ingrained. So it’s natural that this situation is creating some distress for you. First, congratulations on raising not only an intelligent, but what sounds to be an insightful daughter. The reality is that university is a very different playing field than high school, and her worry is not unwarranted. Worry or anxiety is not a bad thing; we have it for a reason. It mobilizes an action or a response to deal with a stressful (or perceived stressful) situation; it indicates to us that we value the thing we are feeling worried about; and it communicates to those around us that we may need some support. Your daughter’s response is a normal reaction to a coming and significant transition in her life. There are a few things I would suggest you do: Try to understand the depth of your daughter’s anxiety. Find out whether her desire to take a year off is fully precipitated by anxiety or if other considerations are playing a role. Give her reassurance about her ability to successfully cope with the transition. And openly communicate your concerns to her. Start by saying how proud you are of her and that your desire as a parent is to see her succeed and excel in life. Convey that you understand she is worried about things being harder at university and that she is right that things may be challenging. Let her know that you have confidence in her skills to adjust. Ask her what is motivating her to take a year off and what she wants to do in that time. Then listen. You indicate that you think her decision is motivated by fear, but this may be a very small part of it. She may be thinking that if she is going to take a break from school, now is the time before she starts to undertake a decade-plus of additional schooling. The reality is that it will be much more difficult to consider a year off once she begins her studies. Perhaps she is thinking of travelling, or working and making money. If she continues to live at home, establish some motivating parameters. For example, let her know that if she is not attending school she is expected to work and pay rent, and that she needs to increase her contribution to the household (through cleaning, cooking and so on). To calm your worry, remind yourself that for most young adults, a year of working in the real world at what will likely be a low paying, less than ideal job actually has the opposite effect of motivating them to go back to school sooner. Ultimately, you need to trust your daughter’s decision as she is an adult, and also have confidence that you have raised a young woman who will make the right decision. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I don’t want children, but this upsets my family and in particular my parents who are looking forward to having grandchildren. How do I get them to understand once and for all that my husband and I are content in our lives and don’t want kids? The answer: Statistics from Canada, the United States and Britain all demonstrate converging trends: that conservatively, at least 20 per cent of women (and by extension couples) are no longer having children. By choice. The Gen Xers started the trend, and the Gen Yers are continuing it. Only time will tell what the next generation will do, but if the trends are any indication, they will probably follow in the footsteps of their prior generations. “That’s so selfish!” “But why not?!” “Who’s going to take care of you when you are old?!” scream the worried-and-equally confused friends and relatives of such couples. You and your husband are like many modern-day couples – choosing not to have children, and being comfortable with your decision. Likely, your decision was made as a result of a combination of factors: You may want to focus on your respective careers; you may want to have time and money to engage in other activities that may not be impossible, but certainly can be more difficult with children (e.g., extensive travel, living in an urban setting); and being content in your relationship of two, without feeling the need to expand. Or you may be concerned about your ecological footprint, about the world children are being brought into (environmentally, and otherwise) as well. Despite your decision being one that many couples are increasingly choosing, relatives (usually those from older generations) and friends or family who have kids – and could not imagine there life without them – may be utterly and genuinely confused by your decision. First of all, give up the hope that your family will truly understand your decision, as they may never. You can, however, try to convey your reasoning. The approach you take needs to be a delicate balance between honesty and none-of-your-business. What you share is going to depend on who you are speaking to. For example, your parents may warrant a more detailed explanation than acquaintances you see a couple of times a year. Validate the concerns your parents have voiced: “I understand that you are really worried about us regretting this decision when we are older.” Then reassure them via a united front, “but we have both been very thoughtful about our decision, which was not made overnight, and we are confident we are doing the best thing for ourselves, our relationship, and our future.” And, if appropriate, explain why “both of us love the idea of having freedom and money to travel the world.” Once you have stated your case, wrap up the conversation and gently yet assertively curb repeat attempts others may make to probe more, while understanding that they are probably coming from a place of genuine care and concern. As a woman who has no children by choice (at least at this point in my life), my favourite retort to the “but that’s so selfish” comment is usually a genuinely perplexed expression inviting the person to please describe who I am being selfish toward, and how. Usually that stops the conversation quickly. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
There’s a couple who are both friends of mine, but they want very different things. As a woman, I understand my female friend’s desire for marriage, kids and the house in the suburbs. He’s not that into it, but follows along. I’m concerned he’ll end up miserable in a life he didn’t really want. Should I talk to him about my concerns, or just let it go? The answer: I have some questions that you need to be honest about answering: First, why do you think your friends have not considered these differences in their decision to stay together? Second, why is there a stronger loyalty you seem to feel toward your male friend? (Perhaps that is the friend you have the closer bond or longer history with?) Third, what you are trying to achieve by potentially raising these concerns with your friend? It is important for you to, very candidly, consider what your motive and intent is in having a conversation with your friend. Can you truthfully say that you have no hidden agenda or malintent in having this conversation? If yes, then keep reading. The issues that you may potentially raise (and I emphasize with, potentially), and the manner in which you raise them, are going to be dependent on a number of factors, not least of which relates to the history and nature of your relationship with each partner. You want to be mindful of not being disrespectful to either friend, and also not judge a situation without all the information. Have you considered possible explanations for why your friend is ostensibly just “going along” with things he may not want? Perhaps he’s shifted his perspective about what he wants in his life and what is important to him. Maybe the pros of being with a partner he loves and cares for – and compromising by living in the suburbs – outweigh the previous cons he felt about moving out of the city. Remain open to the possibility that there may be considerations both have had which you are not aware or privy to. Keep in mind that any time two individuals join lives in a partnership, there are inevitable personality and life-goal differences that must be dealt with, reconciled or overcome. This can include things such as the manner in which the relationship is formalized. It is not uncommon for people to feel that they, for example, never before considered kids or marriage, but then changed their mind when they met the right person. It sounds like you are concerned about your friend and simply want him to make life decisions that are the right decisions for him. As a friend, your role is to unconditionally and non-judgmentally support him. You may want to check in on how things are going and how he’s feeling. You could, for example, ask him how things are going between the two of them, or how he’s feeling about the direction their relationship is going. (“Wow, lots of changes you are making; how are you feeling about the big move to the suburbs?) Ask open-ended questions where you aren’t making any assumptions or judgments. That way, you open the channels of communication and allow him to talk to you if there really are things he’s concerned about. My experience is that when friends, even very close friends, get in the middle of relationships, it rarely ever turns out well. Be respectful of his partner (remember, she is also your friend!) and their relationship by not making any assumptions. Just make yourself available to be a listening ear if needed. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My family is dealing with very difficult neighbours. It’s causing us so much stress that we are considering moving from our great neighbourhood to a nearby community. At the same time, my wife and I have anxiety over uprooting our young children. I’m tormented over what will be best for our family in the long run. Should we stay or move? The answer: There are two distinct, yet overlapping issues you are faced with: One, the immediate concern of how to effectively approach and personally cope with the situation regarding your neighbours; and two, whether moving your family is the right long-term solution to a possible perpetual problem. It’s going to be difficult to come to a balanced decision about the second issue until you sort out the first. All too often, we tend to adopt knee-jerk reactions when we are put in high-stress situations. In-the-moment-solutions that we come up with seem to be the only viable options we have. Unfortunately, however, our decision-making when under high emotional distress is often skewed, and we don’t consider all of the pertinent factors that would help make a more rational decision. This happens as stressful situations elicit a fight-or-flight response in us, which is a very strongly engrained, adaptive response that ensures survival. However, unless you and your family are in acute danger or threatening situation from your neighbours (which doesn’t sound to be the case), the response may be mismatched to the situation. Start by thinking rationally about your situation. Writing down the issues can often help provide some perspective. Be specific and detailed in outlining the issues you have with your neighbours. Sit down with your wife and do the following:
Currently you are only weighing the pros and cons of a move as being the only solution, but there may be other less intrusive options. Ultimately, if you have exhausted all other realistic possibilities, and if the issues with your neighbours are significant in severity and impact, a move may be the decision you and your wife arrive at for the long-term. Keep in mind that you may encounter a similar problem in a new neighbourhood and that a moving each time is not an effective long-term coping strategy. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I have a friend who is a bit of a control freak. Whenever we’re making plans, she needs to organize. How do I get her to loosen her grip and allow other people to have input and make decisions? The answer: None of us have the power to make anyone else do something or become someone they’re not. So the goal of having her “loosen her grip” is likely going to fail if you target that directly. What we all can do is be mindful of our own limits and boundaries and behave in a way that demonstrates behaviours consistent with how we want to live, and do not inadvertently (or directly) reinforce behaviours in others that we do not want to see. Start by reflecting on what it is that you mean when you say she’s a “control freak.” Global and judgmental phrases (even if they are limited to what you are saying in your own head) are often unhelpful and rarely lead to productive solutions to interpersonal behaviours. Shifting the language we use when we speak to ourselves is much more than just semantics – it has a strong impact on how we view others and, more importantly, shapes our behaviour. What is your friend doing that makes you view her as a control freak? Be specific. Does she want to take the lead in planning where you go? Do things have to be on her schedule? Is she unwilling to entertain others’ suggestions? Imagine that you videotaped your friend’s interactions and were describing only what you could see her doing or saying that makes you think she has a high need for control. This is key: You want to describe her behaviour without being clouded by your assumptions (which may be inaccurate) of what you think her motives are. Also pay attention to what you may be doing to reinforce her behaviour. Do you tend to acquiesce to her suggestions? Do you defer taking the lead in suggesting things to do? Does she take the lead in planning because you are leaving plans until the last minute? Once you’ve examined what she is doing that bothers you and what your contribution may be, articulate for yourself what it is that you would like to see done differently. Write these things down. We get an objectivity when we write things that is different than just letting thoughts swim in our head. Use statements that are focused on things within your control (“I would like to meet for dinner at restaurants that I choose at least half of the time we get together.”). When you have articulated what changes you would like to see, start to shift your behaviour to facilitate this happening. For example, the next time you make plans to get together, suggest where you would like to go and what you would like to do. If she pushes back or tries to convince you otherwise, give her gentle yet respectful feedback (“The last number of times we got together I went to the places you chose, and I’d really love it for us to go to a place I choose this time.”). If she continues to push back, you may need to provide stronger feedback (“I feel frustrated that our plans are almost always what you want to do. It’s really important to me to make sure we both have a say in what we do when we get together. Would it be okay if I made our plans this time?”). Let her know your friendship is important to you and you want the two of you to find a balance that works for both. Ask her for her input as to how she thinks both of you could have your needs met. And involve her in the problem-solving process (“How do you think we can arrive at something that works for both of us?”) as this is more likely to contribute to her level of engagement. Remain respectful yet assertive. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Healthy solitude is beneficial for our well-being. But it can be challenging to set aside time to be alone when we’re in a relationship—especially one with kids.
Time apart can give couples a chance to recharge, to devote time and attention to their own needs separate from the demands of others, and to appreciate their partner. However, if we’re on the receiving end and our partner is getting more time alone than we like or need ourselves, this can lead to resentment. Relationship units In every relationship, there are four separate units we need to identify and nurture: the couple unit, the family unit (including kids and other extended family members), and each partner as an individual unit. When any of these areas are not given adequate time, attention or nurturance, the other units suffer. Relationships, where both couples are aligned with their respective ‘alone time’ needs, are easy to manage. However, if there’s some element of actual or perceived unfairness in the amount or quality of alone time one partner needs or takes, this can lead to resentment. If this occurs, there are a couple of options to reinstate equality: the person taking more time away can be requested to stop, or the person taking less time away can find ways to understand their partner’s reasons and needs, while exploring why this bothers them and working to fill up their own solo time. Generally – and assuming there aren’t trust or other significant issues at play – the latter is a more solution-focused approach. But, this doesn’t mean it will be easy – so, what can we do to manage associated negative emotions? Managing negative emotions First, it is never wrong to feel what we feel. Rather than just expressing those negative emotions (or stewing about them), it’s important to invite those emotions in as a way to enhance our self-reflection about our own relationship needs. Once we do that, we can mobilize those emotions and use them to arrive at a solution-focused outcome. Second, keep in mind that communication is always key. Before you initiate a conversation with your partner about your thoughts and feelings, consider where the resentment is coming from. Is the resentment stemming from jealousy because you want more alone time? Or, is it about wanting to spend more of that alone time with your partner? Consider asking these questions:
Once you have clarified what you feel resentful about missing, set aside uninterrupted time to have an open, authentic conversation with your partner about how you are feeling. Approach the conversation from a place of curious inquiry – try to (neutrally and non-judgmentally) understand what your partners needs are and why the value their alone time so much. Then, brainstorm solutions together that can help both of you have your respective needs met, while minimizing either of you feeling resentful about the others’ needs. Distance makes the heart grow fonder Taking time for ourselves is good self-care. But how much time we need is an individual preference. Have an honest conversation with yourself and your partner about alone time. After all, when our needs are being met, our relationships are happier, healthier, and last longer. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m hearing more and more about relationship agreements – like the one between Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg and his wife – in which partners commit to certain behaviours in a formal document. Do you think this is healthy for a relationship or is it just weird? The answer: Virtually every type of relationship – whether it’s romantic, a friendship or one between a parent and child – has a set of norms. These are implicit or explicit “agreements” that usually develop naturally over time. For couples, these agreements may include such things as who is responsible for which chores, how much alone time/couple time they spend, who handles the finances and so on. These agreements are usually implicit; they tend to be more explicitly articulated when things aren’t working well in some areas. This often manifests in the form of conflict, disagreements or arguments. Healthy couples will, throughout the course of their relationship, negotiate and renegotiate their terms depending on what is happening in their individual and collective lives. For example, when a couple has a baby, often there is a dramatic shift in roles and responsibilities, and a natural and organic shift in relationship “agreements.” These norms or agreements are a healthy part of a relationship. All of us value some element of predictability and control in our lives, and there is something to be said for having relationship expectations articulated, assuming that they are fair, acceptable and demonstrate respect for each partner. The notion of a formal relationship document – a written contract that sets out these details – takes the notion of informal agreements to a whole other level. Certainly the increased complexity of relationships and their configurations necessitates the growing use of written, legally binding documents (i.e., cohabitation and prenuptial agreements) to protect respective partners’ interests in situations of a dissolution, divorce or death. With the divorce rate being as high as it is, couples meeting and and living together or getting married in older age, and the increasing prevalence of blended families, having these types of agreements is prudent – not doing so can have a significant impact on the financial situation of one or both parties. But formalizing in writing the very natural parts of a relationship adds a clinical, cold level to the natural fluidity that can make relationships so wonderful. Drawing up formal relationship agreements is really a statement that speaks to the importance a couple put on one another. But how is this executed in real life? Consider the much-publicized requirement that Priscilla Chan put on Mark Zuckerberg to commit in writing to one date night and 100 quality minutes together a week out of his apartment or Facebook office. What happens if one person is in the hospital for pneumonia for a week? What if a family member dies? What if there is an urgent, non-negotiable work or personal commitment one week? Does 400 minutes one week cancel out what is required for the remaining month? Can you “bank” relationship commitments? Although relationship agreements may work for some couples, articulating roles, responsibilities and each others’ expectations is likely much more effectively done the good old fashioned way – over time and through discussion. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
When we fight, I feel like my boyfriend’s goal is to “win” the argument. How can I help him realize this doesn’t help either of us? The answer: Disagreeing with loved ones (whether a partner, friend, or family member) is a normal part of every human relationship. In fact, we tend to argue more with those that are closer to us, often as they tend to see both the good and bad parts of us, they see us during times of stress, and often our defences are much lower with the people we love. Fighting with your partner can be really upsetting, and the frustration is further amplified when one or both partners feel the other is not “fighting fair.” Longterm success of your relationship really depends on how you fight – arguments are healthy when they are focused on coming to effective solutions (ideally) or agreeing to disagree. The reality is that often the way we fight is much more important to the quality of a relationship than what we fight about (many couples I see for couples treatment will recall precise details on the days, times and outcomes of arguments, but it is stunning how often they will forgot what started the fight or what they were fighting about!). I would first ask you to identify (for yourself) how your boyfriend’s style is unhelpful or ineffective. Try thinking of two or three recent arguments you had. Is he focusing on irrelevant issues/parts of the issue that created the disagreement? Is he inappropriately criticizing you? Is he bringing up issues from the past that are not tied to the issue at hand? Is he trying to intimidate you verbally or nonverbally (e.g., getting loud, inappropriate)? I would also ask you to identify what contribution you may be having to the argument that leads him to feel he needs to just focus on “winning”. For example, if he “loses” a fight is that brought up to him in the future? Is he reminded about it incessantly? Does he feel he needs to “win” to be heard? Then, have an open conversation with your boyfriend when you are getting along well, not in the middle of an argument. Start by letting him know that you feel your recent arguments have not ended up well, and that your hope is that the two of you either come to effective solutions or respectfully agree to disagree when you are fighting. Be specific about the things that you observe him to be doing that you think get in the way (don’t blame, just try to be very objective and specific, using examples). Let him know that you realize some of your behaviours may also be contributing (and again, be objective and specific about the things you do). Let him know that you care about him and you want both of you to come to more effective resolutions. Ask him if there are things he thinks you could do differently during arguments. Then make an action plan – where both of you agree to specifically change one or two things about how you approach your next argument. Remember: all communication is bidirectional, and both individuals in an argument play a part in the end result. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Marissa Bowsfield, M.A, CBT Therapist and member of the Canadian Sex Research Forum Negative Body Image is Common
With the summer months upon us and the warmer weather beckoning us outside, many of us may have anxious thoughts and worries about our bodies. Not about our body’s important functions – but rather how it looks. We may have thoughts like, “I’m not in good enough shape” or “I don’t want people to see my stomach at the beach” or even, “I’m disgusting”. Body image is a psychological characteristic that reflects an individual’s satisfaction with their body and the emotions that are experienced in relation to their body. We all have a sense of body image and it can range from very negative to very positive. Unfortunately, negative body image is widespread and does not discriminate. Although negative body image has historically been considered a “women’s” issue, research conducted in more recent years suggests that women, men, and non-binary or transgender individuals all experience negative body image. Furthermore, people of all different shapes, sizes, and body compositions can experience significant issues with body image. Generally, negative body image is theorized to arise from narrow, socially prescribed body ideals for women (e.g., historically this has been the “thin ideal” and more recently it is becoming more of a “fit ideal” or “toned ideal”, although thinness is still privileged) and men (e.g., muscular, lean). When people endorse these ideals and compare their own bodies against them, they are likely to experience a relatively negative body image. Negative Body Image Elicits Anxiety Anticipating summer and seeing all of those “Get Your Summer Body!” headlines popping up may increase our dissatisfaction and worry about our bodies. They cause us to focus on, and evaluate, our physical appearance against unrealistic body ideals. Indeed, people tend to be the most worried about their bodies, and experience associated negative emotions, like shame, in situations wherein the body is particularly salient or is “on display”. Given this reality, there are many situations that have absolutely nothing to do with summer or swimsuits that may cause people to experience anxious thoughts and negative emotions about their bodies. A prime example that likely comes to mind is partnered sexual activity, which is obviously not just a summer activity! Sexual activity is inherently focused on the body and requires a certain level of body exposure to another person or persons. Thus, it may trigger very high levels of anxiety, especially for people who experience negative body image. What might this mean for our sexual relationships? Body Image and Sexual Relationships Recent research suggests that people who have a negative body image may be especially anxious during sex and this anxiety may manifest in different ways to interfere with their sexual enjoyment. First, they may find that their mind is preoccupied with thoughts about their body and what their partner might think of it during sex – so much so, that it is difficult to enjoy the experience. Second, people who have a negative body image may want to keep certain pieces of clothing on during sex or only have sex with the lights off, they may not want their partner to touch them in specific places, or they may be inclined to avoid sex altogether. These strategies are designed to manage the anxiety, but instead, they serve to prevent people from fully enjoying sexual activity by interfering with sexual arousal, impeding orgasm, or simply taking focus away from the pleasurable sensations that occur during sex. Importantly, the anxiety that people experience during sex as a result of their negative body image also has negative consequences for partners. If we think about how anxiety can manifest during sex – either in preoccupied thoughts about the body, behaviours to limit body exposure, or both – we can imagine how partners may be affected. If an individual is unwilling to engage in certain behaviours or to allow a partner to see their body (with the lights on!) during sex, or they simply seem distracted, the partner may have a rather unfulfilling sexual experience. Final Thoughts and Tips for Improving Body Image This may seem like a discouraging situation. However, we can look at it another way: What might be relatively simple and effective ways for people to improve their own and their partner’s sex lives? Well, good first steps are to work to improve body image, to be less critical of ourselves and our partners, and to manage anxiety during sex (e.g., using mindfulness techniques). Improving these areas may lead to more pleasurable, fun, and satisfying sexual experiences where the focus is on sensation, intimacy, and mutual enjoyment, rather than on worry over physical imperfections. Some tips for improving body image include:
Marissa Bowsfield, M.A. is a senior Doctoral Student in the Clinical Psychology Program at Simon Fraser University (SFU) where she is training to become a Registered Psychologist. She completed her B.A. (Hons.) at SFU in 2014 and her M.A. (Clinical Psychology) in 2017, and received the Canadian Psychological Association's Award for Academic Excellence. She is also a recipient of the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council of Canada’s Graduate Scholarship and conducts research on intimate relationships and human sexuality, including issues around body image in sexual relationships. Reach out through our contact page for more information or to book an appointment. By Emory Oakley. Emory is a writer and LGBTQ+ educator who regularly discusses the intersections of queer identities and mental health. The Learning Process
“You aren’t supposed to do anything for Valentine’s Day, it’s your boyfriends’ job to buy you flowers and take you out for dinner!” This was the first piece of advice I was given about Valentine’s Day at fifteen years old. It was my first Valentine’s Day in a relationship. And as a bit of a late bloomer, I was nervous and excited in anticipation. But, of course, I was unsure and not confident. Even though this happened prior to coming out, being given that advice, I already knew Valentine’s Day was not designed for me. I was assigned female at birth but never fit into the traditional expectations of what a girl was ‘supposed’ to be. As a young child, it was acceptable to be a tomboy. So, I wasn’t directly confronted with my gender until I hit puberty and was at the age where people start dating. Even then, I didn’t know gender was the issue – I just knew I didn’t fit into people’s expectations. And that made me realize how uncomfortable I felt in my body. Not surprisingly, Valentine’s Day never got easier for me. I never understood why boys didn’t want me to buy them flowers and write them poetry. Coming Out I’ve always been a ‘love with my entire existence’ kind of boy. But when I was pretransition and in relationships with straight boys, this was entirely misunderstood. These boys almost always wanted to be the ones to ‘take care of me’ in the traditional heternormative sense. So, it was continually reinforced that Valentine’s Day was not made for me. As I embraced my queerness and started to engage in less traditional styles of relationships. It became glaringly obvious that the reason I never felt like Valentine’s Day was made for me was that my identity was never represented. The focus of Valentine’s Day is heterosexual, monogamous, sexual and traditional romantic relationships. But not only was my relationships and identity not represented, neither were so many others. So, coming out as queer gave me the context as to why I never like Valentine’s Day. And for me, clearly, it was never about being single. But my queer identity gave me permission to look at it differently. Valentine’s Day Today: Why I don’t celebrate it.Now, out as a queer trans man, I can happily say I choose not to celebrate Valentine’s Day. But I do love getting the cheap candy the following day. This doesn’t mean I don’t celebrate the multiple ways love comes into my life. Valentine’s Day reinforces heteronormativity. And it does this through consumerism rather than actually focusing on healthy and happy relationships. These are things I personally have no interest in supporting. To me, love is about so much more than romance and that’s a common experience among those in the queer community. Many of us are rejected by or estranged from our families so we create our own chosen families. These relationships are different from close friendships among heterosexual people. They have a different level of intimacy and love that cannot easily be defined. Even our romantic relationships don’t always fit into the traditional outline of what a relationship ‘should’ look like by heteronormative standards. I don’t really want to get too much into consumerism here, but the way Valentine’s Day has been structured around gift-giving and fancy date nights is problematic and classist. There are so many ways to show a person you love them – other than spending money or fancy dates. If you want to celebrate Valentine’s Day with your loved one(s) consider some other options. A hand made gift or card, write a poem or a song, make a homemade dinner, have a queer movie night or do something else creative to celebrate your love in a way that makes sense in the context of your relationship. So, rather than celebrating Valentine’s Day, I choose to celebrate my queer love every day of the year. |
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