PH&S Clinic

  • Home
  • Counselling
  • Coaching
  • About
  • Contact
  • Resources
    • Podcast
    • Articles
  • Home
  • Counselling
  • Coaching
  • About
  • Contact
  • Resources
    • Podcast
    • Articles

My mother died last Christmas. How do I even celebrate this year?

22/12/2022

 
By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth 
The question:
 
My family loves the holidays. But last year, my mother passed away around this time, which was an incredibly sad time for everyone. I took it especially hard. Now that it’s a year later, there’s a weird feeling in the air, for me at least, that the holidays won’t be the same ever again. My husband and two daughters are usually a very festive family, but I’m worried I’ll forever associate her death with the holidays. I don’t want to be a drag. How can I grieve for and remember my mother, without depressing the spirit of the season?
 
The answer:
 
My sincere condolences on the loss of your mother. Nine years ago my father died – unexpectedly and at a very young age – around this time of the year, so I can understand how difficult this is not only from a professional perspective, but also from a personal one.
 
The death of someone dear to us takes a huge toll on the happiness and joy we may usually experience around the holidays. I can promise you it won’t always feel as hard as it does this year. You will always think of and remember your mom, and miss her presence, but you won’t always feel the depth of sadness that you are right now.
 
The year of “firsts” is always the most difficult: the first birthdays, the first Mother’s Day – and the first holiday season. Give yourself permission to be easy on yourself this year.
 
Two things I would suggest: First, have an open and candid discussion with your husband and your daughters. This conversation should be age-appropriate, given the developmental stage your girls are at. Be honest. Let them know that you know how much your family loves the holidays, but this year you are feeling sad and not in a very celebratory mood.
 
Be candid in conveying that you want them to have fun, but you want things to be a little lower key than usual. You may be surprised to learn that they also feel awkward about how to approach the season and may welcome you speaking openly about this, particularly if they have observed the impact your mother’s death has had on you over the past year.
 
Second: Find a way to honour and incorporate the memory of your mother in the season’s celebrations. Involve your girls in this discussion. Ask them how they think Grandma would like to be remembered, and what things you could do as a family to remember her. You could light a candle; pull out some of her favourite Christmas decorations; go to a place or engage in an activity she loved; or visit her grave or a place where you have shared positive memories with her.
 
Often a big factor that holds us back from wanting to celebrate after a loved one passes relates to guilt – guilt at being happy when our loved one is no longer here. We may feel like we don’t have the right to celebrate when their life has ended, or somehow feel that we are betraying their memory if we are having fun. Know that none of these things are true.
 
Enjoying and celebrating the present, with your family who is with you, in no way negates the love you’ve had for your mother. The best way to honour the memories of those we have lost is to maximize our enjoyment of our loved ones while they are alive.

​Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail.

Comments are closed.

    PH&S Clinic

    Enhancing psychological health, wellness and resilience

    Archives

    July 2025
    June 2025
    May 2025
    April 2025
    March 2025
    February 2025
    January 2025
    December 2024
    November 2024
    October 2024
    September 2024
    August 2024
    July 2024
    June 2024
    May 2024
    April 2024
    March 2024
    February 2024
    January 2024
    December 2023
    November 2023
    October 2023
    September 2023
    August 2023
    July 2023
    June 2023
    May 2023
    April 2023
    March 2023
    February 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    August 2022

    Mental Health

    All
    Anxiety
    Ask The Psychologist
    Burnout
    Career
    CBT
    Communication
    Coping
    Counselling
    Emotions
    Exercises
    Family & Relationships
    Financial Literacy
    Holidays
    LGBTQ+
    Lifestyle
    Men's Issues
    Mindfulness
    OCD
    Resources
    Sleep
    Suicide
    Supporting Others
    Women's Issues
    Workplace

    RSS Feed

Picture
HOME  |  COUNSELLING  |  COACHING  |  ABOUT  |  CONTACT  | RESOURCES
​© 2025 PH&S CLINIC, VANCOUVER, BC, CANADA
Dr. Joti Samra is a Founding Member of the CSA Technical Committee that developed the CSA National Standard for Psychological Health & Safety in the Workplace and informed the ISO standard
Please note our administrative office hours are Tuesdays & Wednesdays.