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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Valentine’s Day isn’t Designed for Queer Couples
Valentine’s Day is a consumer ‘holiday’ that we’re bombarded with starting in the middle of January – whether you like it or not. Not only are red, white and pink treats and branded presents at almost every store, but we are shown images of happy couples in advertisements everywhere. Not only is this challenging for those who are single around Valentines Day, but it can also be challenging for those who identify somewhere on the LGBTQ+ spectrum. Valentine’s Day isn’t designed for queer couples. Why isn’t Valentine’s Day Queer? For many folks who identify as queer, Valentine’s Day is a reminder that their identity isn’t represented which can make them feel invisible or unimportant. It does this by reinforcing the idea that ‘ideal’ and happy relationships are heterosexual, monogamous, sexual and romantic. And really anyone who doesn’t fit into that ideal feels as though they’re failing somehow. Think about the things we are surrounded by this time of year. Jewelry commercials are almost always depicting cisgender heterosexual couples and upholding the traditional gender norm of ‘the man’ giving a beautiful and expensive gift to his female partner. We see the same ideas reflected in the products; such as “His & Hers” monogrammed items and cards specifically address to husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend. And if/when we attempt to participate in Valentine’s Day we are likely to be met by heternormative assumptions. For example, “oh your boyfriend will love this” when purchasing a gift. Or having a server at a restaurant assuming your gender or relationship status. Yes, queer representation and queer-focused products do exist, and this continues to improve – but the ones that are available are not easily accessible. And the images we are bombarded with are of straightness. Though being queer does not mean we have to reject Valentine’s Day as a whole. We all deserve to be able to celebrate our love no matter what it looks like. Many in the queer community are already good at subverting the norms, reclaiming and celebrating all types of love. So, how can you celebrate Valentine’s Day as a queer person? 1. Have a movie night in with your loved one(s) or your close friends. Valentine’s Day does not have to be about romantic love, so spend the day with people that you care about and find some great queer-focused films to watch together. Consider this list as a great starting point. 2. Buy (or make) a queer-friendly Valentine’s Day card. It’s less likely that you’re going to walk into a Hallmark store and find a card that represents your identity so start thinking about it early. Give yourself to find some cool cards online (Etsy is a great place to start) or consider making your own. 3. Support queer businesses. 4. Go out with a group of queer couples (or as singles) to increase your visibility. 5. Consider making a Valentine’s donation to an LGBTQ+ organization rather than buying presents. If you’re in Vancouver consider one of the following options:
Remember that Valentine’s Day is just another day and regardless of how you feel about it, your relationship status, or your sexual orientation or gender identity you are valid and you will get through the day. Try to surround yourself with positive representations of queerness and queer love and remind yourself that love doesn’t have to look the way it’s advertised to you. Keep doing you! For those who don’t identify as LGBTQ+ but also don’t love the way relationships are represented during Valentine’s Day or simply want to support your queer friends during this time of year what can you do? How to be a queer ally during Valentine's Day 1. Don’t assume someone has plans for Valentine’s Day. Meaning, don’t ask what their plans are unless you explicitly know they plan to celebrate it. This not only helps to support queer folks who don’t want to celebrate Valentine’s Day but also those who are single and don’t want to be reminded they don’t have plans (or at least not traditional plans). 2. Don’t assume the gender of someone’s partner. (Really you should never assume someone’s gender.) 3. Don’t make assumptions about or judge how someone chooses to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Remember – Valentine’s Day is ultimately about celebrating love – which at its heart involves connection and unconditional acceptance. Consider ways you can connect and unconditionally accept yourself and others around you this Valentine’s Day. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  How to survive Valentine’s Day being single
Valentine’s Day is challenging for many people, but it can feel particularly difficult when we’re single. This, of course, is not surprising given it’s the day of the year that has an explicit focus on couples, relationships and ideas of never-ending romantic love. Many single people will describe just wishing those days would hurry up and be over. As they feel particularly lonely, much more than they may at any other time of the year. So, let’s talk about how to survive Valentine’s Day being single. Making ourselves do something to rebel against the idea of Valentine’s Day often doesn’t work. A ‘single’s party’ for example can ironically have the opposite effect and further amplify your single status; and, having a first date just for the sake of a date certainly can feel fake and forced. How to Survive Valentine’s Day So, what can we do to get through the day on Valentine’s Day when we may feel particularly lonely? Think about just doing something for yourself that’s a treat or makes you feel special – such as draw yourself a bubble bath or make yourself a nice dinner. (Though consider avoiding restaurants as you’re likely to be surrounded by couples). This can be extended from just treating yourself to taking time to think about what makes you special. When we’re feeling lonely it can be easy for us to fall into a negative thinking pattern about ourselves that may lead to feeling unloved or unloveable. Take the time to boost your self-esteem by writing these things down. Consider writing about what you love most about yourself; what others appreciate about you; and, the special skills or talents you have that you are proud of or that others admire. Or spend time with someone you love. Valentine’s Day doesn’t only have to be about romantic love. As humans, we’re social creatures and are dependent on the social bonds we develop. The romantic bonds are not inherently better or more valuable than other relationships. Spend the evening with someone you care about in your family, or a close friend. Remember Valentine’s Day is a day just like any other (also true for the other holidays!) This can be hard to do when we are bombarded by images of flowers, balloons, chocolates and other testimonials attesting to one’s love for another person every which way we look – TV, stores, and even in our office. But it is just one day and there are 364 others that are not surrounded by multiple images of coupledom. Changing Our feelings about Valentines Day But maybe just getting through the day isn’t enough. This time of year many people find themselves saying “I love being single every day except Valentine’s Day”. If this is true it might be time to re-think your feelings about Valentine’s Day and why you may be feeling this way. How to re-think Valentine's Day 1. List the feelings and thoughts Valentine’s Day evokes for you, and try to specifically articulate what it is that feels emotionally upsetting or uncomfortable. Are you feeling lonely? Hopeless? Are feelings of being unlovable being triggered? Then, challenge whether these are accurate. (It being Valentine’s Day doesn’t make the thoughts true!) 2. Often there may be a tendency to fully reject the notion of wanting to have a partner in our life – we may even convince ourselves this is a sign of weakness. But consider asking this: why does feeling that we need another person seem awful?
3. Try to understand what it is you’re reacting to – if you are saying you “love” being single every other day but are feeling “awful” on Valentine’s Day, there’s a disconnect in the intensity of the feelings. Perhaps you aren’t loving being single as much as you feel at times. This may be hard to admit or acknowledge, but it may be important information in that it may motivate us to make some active changes in our life that can help us to work on changing our relationship status. 4. In the interim, it is okay to do the best you can to get through the day on Valentine’s Day – it’s a struggle for many people, not just those who are single. Regardless of how we approach Valentine’s Day it is important to remind ourselves that the negative feelings will abate (as they always do) and that the 24 hours will be over before we know it. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Suicidal Thoughts: Making a Safety Plan
When someone is experiencing significant or persistent distress, or negative feelings, in their life, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed or hopeless about the future. Many people think about suicide because they’re looking for a way to escape the pain. If you’re thinking about suicide, know that you’re not alone and your feelings are valid. The best things you can do when you’re feeling suicidal are; make sure you are not alone, be in a safe place including making your home safe by getting rid of things you could use to kill yourself, and make a safety plan. What is a safety plan? A safety plan is a written set of instructions that you’re able to use when you’re feeling suicidal and may be at risk of hurting yourself. When using the safety plan, you start with the first item and work your way through escalating steps until you feel safe. It is helpful to make the safety plan with someone you trust. A therapist may be the best option, but a close friend or family member can also be helpful. It’s particularly important to get these people in your life involved because they’re the ones you’re likely to call for support when you need to execute the safety plan. It’s also helpful to create the safety plan when you’re not actively suicidal, and keep it in a place where it is easy to access when suicidal thoughts arise. How to create a safety plan Before starting to write down items on your safety plan, it can be helpful to determine the situations where using the safety plan is necessary. Consider the situations, thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that precede or accompany suicidal thoughts for you and when a safety plan would be most helpful. Next, see our free digital download Coping with Suicidal Thoughts where you can print and fill out a safety plan. The information below can help with filling out the safety plan. When making a safety plan, the following are the key elements you want to consider and have a ‘plan’ to do: 1 - What can I do to calm or comfort myself?
2 - What are my reasons for living
3 - Who can I talk to?
4 - Where can I go to be safe / how can I make my current environment safe?
5 - What can I do if I still don’t feel safe?
Final Thoughts Many people experience suicidal thoughts and it’s not something to be ashamed of. Having a safety plan helps you and your loved ones be prepared to keep you safe when you are feeling distressed. If you or somebody else is at immediate risk of suicide, call 9-1-1. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m curious about therapy, but not ready to commit to seeing someone on a regular basis. My aunt keeps encouraging me to read different self-help books. I assume it will be very difficult to follow through on all the advice in these books. Are they useful or a waste of my time? The answer: Fantastic question. You, like many people who have not tried therapy before, have some hesitations and apprehensions about making a regular commitment to undergoing treatment. This can be understandable if you have no reference point for what therapy may look like, if you have limited funds or coverage for treatment (this is unfortunately the biggest barrier for most people), or if you are not yet emotionally prepared to start to peel away the layers on some significant issue(s) in your life. Undertaking some self-directed work, with the aid of self-help books, can certainly be a great place to start. A plethora of self-help books exist on every topic under the sun. It can be overwhelming to know what to get given the range of books that are available. Start by doing your research. Look for recommendations from friends, read online reviews of books, and also look to reputable psychological/mental health websites that offer suggestions. If you visit my website and go to Individual/Employee Resources, you will see that I have listed a range of freely available and downloadable treatment materials that I have co-authored (on depression, coping with chronic health conditions, dealing with suicidality). I have also listed useful websites that offer other recommendations, as well as a list – by topic – of books and treatment manuals that I recommend. There are a few guidelines to follow as you are undertaking your search: find books that have been around for some time and that have solid reviews behind them; look for books authored by licensed professionals (where the author is described as being “registered” or “licensed” in their jurisdiction of practice) and look for words such as “evidence” or “research-based.” This will help ensure you are accessing high-quality resources. Certainly the level of benefit you obtain from self-help materials depends on a combination of the nature of your presenting issues, and the severity of those issues. Research supports the benefit of self-guided work (through self-help or self-management) of the common mental health conditions (depression and anxiety) when those issues are in the mild to moderate range of severity. As presenting issues move into more serious levels – for example, if you are experiencing a significant impact on your ability to fulfill your day-to-day obligations and tasks – then self-help materials are most helpful when they are augmented by the assistance of a health professional who helps you work through your difficulties. Also remember that you can meet a therapist once or twice to get further information without necessarily having to undertake an intensive course of treatment. In my practice, I see many high-functioning individuals who find a session every four to six weeks is enough to help keep them on track with other work they are doing independently in between our sessions. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Goals…we all set them – lose that last five pounds, eat better, quit smoking – but only a few of us actually find it easy to make those changes in our lives, particularly if we are changing long-standing patterns. One of the reasons that goals, like New Years Resolutions, often fail is that we aren’t setting effective and achievable goals. There is a major difference between wishing something would change and setting a goal to make that change and following through.
Fitness and diet goals are among the most commonly set goals (as well as the ones that so regularly fail). Many of us start the week strong, but by mid-week, we have lost sight of eating healthy or exercising and fall back into old habits. You don’t need a Ph.D. in health sciences to know that diet, exercise, and sleep are three of the most crucial things that can dramatically impact and – when properly addressed – improve both physical and psychological health. But the diet, fitness, and pharmaceutical industries are lucrative, multibillion-dollar industries for a reason: Most people struggle with sustaining long-term change in these areas. So, welcome to the club! What can you do to enhance the likelihood of sustainable change? Here are six steps to planning and executing your goal to increase the likelihood of success. 1. Pick a specific behaviour to change.Start with no more than one to two behaviours to change at a time.
2. Identify readiness to change. Before beginning, ask questions such as: “How ready am I?” “Is this the right time for me to make a change?” “What are the pros and cons of changing?”
3. Identify barriers. Anticipate setbacks. If we tried to make a change in the past, what got in the way of success?
4. Implement change. Approach behavioural change gradually. Make small, specific changes.
5. Revisit and revise. Do not get discouraged by setbacks. If we are not on track with the changes identified, work to identify the barriers again. Were our expectations too high? Was the specific goal we set too ambitious?
6. Remember Rewards. Set milestones that help track progress and ensure to schedule in regular rewards for each achievement. Behaviour change can be challenging – especially if we have been developing the habit over a number of years. Remember these six steps and know you that success doesn’t happen overnight. Be consistent and know that we all face setbacks, it’s how we keep getting back on track that will eventually lead to permanent change. Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
Lately I’ve been feeling uninterested in socializing. All I want to do is stay home and have netflix marathons. I’ve been feeling like this for about two months. Should I be worried I’m no longer wanting to spend time with friends and family – which I used to enjoy? The answer: All of us can benefit from the occasional TV binge. It can give us time to unwind from the day-to-day grind of our lives and give us an opportunity to recharge. However, if your tendency to avoid people has been going on for weeks or months on end, there may be cause for concern. Periods of feeling down or sad are common for all of us; most of the time when we feel this way, we aren’t depressed. Usually, mood changes will go away on their own within a few days or weeks, especially as stressors that commonly cause these mood changes start to resolve. For some people, mood issues may continue for weeks or longer. If you find that you have been feeling sad or down and have had little interest in things you normally enjoy, like spending time with friends, for an extended period, it’s possible you are struggling with an emotional problem like depression. Depression is one of the most common psychological health conditions and affects one out of four people over the course of their lifetime. Contrary to popular belief, depression doesn’t always mean feeling sad or tearful – for some people, a “depressed” mood may feel like irritability or frustration, and for others it may be associated with feeling “flat” or feeling “nothing.” Depression comes along with other problems that may include:
If you are feeling any of the above – particularly if you are having dark thoughts – you should speak to your family doctor or a psychologist or psychiatrist. There are very effective treatments for depression, including cognitive-behavioural therapy, interpersonal therapy and, for some people, medication therapy. With time and the right treatment, you can get better. You may be able to access free services through your local mental health agency (see www.cmha.ca for a Canadian Mental Health Association office near you). By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Ahh, the joys of vacation! For many of us, vacations represent no alarm clocks and schedules, limited to no work, and minimized chores and responsibilities. For all of us, getting back into the flow of regular life and work responsibilities after an extended break can be tough. As humans, we are innately hedonistic and naturally gravitate toward things that feel pleasurable, enjoyable, and evoke a positive emotional state. We are also master acclimatizers. We physiologically and behaviourally adjust to whatever environment we are placed in. This is true for both relaxing situations or intense work situations.
It can take a few days to get into vacation mode (or longer if you’ve been in a very intense work situation). You might be sleeping way more than is usual (or needed), maybe even napping. You likely don’t feel as sharp mentally as you do when in work mode. The changes can be subtle, gradual, and happen without any conscious awareness – and they can have an impact on our general mood state and our levels of energy, attention, and focus. Because of this, it may take a few days to a few weeks to make the full transition out of vacation mode. Generally, the lack of motivation we may feel when getting back to work is much more attributable to the lower energy level and reduced focus that the body adjusted to than it is to anything else. Refocusing our energy and motivation It can be easy (especially on the heels of an extended vacation) to get stuck in the trap of ruminating on the reasons we are required to work. Not only does this type of thinking do nothing to change the situation, but it breeds negative emotions. Shifting the focus to the choice elements can help us feel more engaged, more quickly. So, we need to remind ourselves why we are doing the work that we do. Put pen to paper and consider asking these questions:
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
It’s clear to our entire family that my adult sister has big emotional issues, but she won’t recognize this fact. How do I deal with her mood swings in a loving way, but also not promote further outbursts that seem to only be brought on for attention? The answer: Speaking to anyone who is in denial about their personal issues is difficult in the best of times. But the challenges become particularly amplified when a relationship with an immediate family member is potentially at stake. A sibling bond is unique and special in so many ways, given the shared experiences – after all, no one better understands parents and family issues better than someone who was raised in the same environment. Yet our sibling relationships are often the most complex as well, particularly when elements such as competition, jealousy or insecurity play a role. You care about your sister and want to be supportive, yet seem to be struggling with being available as a support for her, but also establishing boundaries for what behaviours of hers you will tolerate. The first thing you want to do is offer to provide support to your sister, if you haven’t already done this. (“I’m concerned about you, and want to help however I can.”) When communicating with her, ensure that she doesn’t feel ganged-up on by the family. Speaking to her one-on-one, without others there, is the most respectful way to approach this. Don’t be blaming or accusatory, and stick to the facts of what you observe, as well as the impact on you. (“I felt extremely hurt when you yelled at me last week for disagreeing with your opinion on what we should do for dinner.”) Ask her what you can do differently to help improve the relationship. Ask yourself what your contribution to her outbursts may be. When there is a long history of problematic behaviour in a relationship, friends and family members often, without even realizing it, react in sarcastic or passive-aggressive ways, given their understandably pent-up frustration. Be mindful of patterns that trigger her. Are there certain topics that push her buttons which you can simply avoid (say, talking about careers or relationships)? Identify your hard and fast boundaries in the relationship. For example, you may decide that you will no longer tolerate her yelling or using profanity in disagreements. Figure out what your response will be (for example, ending the visit). Verbalize what you are doing and why. (“I find myself getting very upset when you swear at me, and I’m choosing not to be around you if that’s how the conversation is going to go, so I am leaving.”) Then, consistently stick to this. Often, emotional outbursts get reinforced because the family doesn’t implement consequences to the behaviour. Your establishment of clear and consistent boundaries may serve as a catalyst for her to change. Finally, realize that the only actions you can control are those of your own. We are stuck with the family we have for the long haul, but remember that we can maintain love for them – without always having to like them. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  We know sleep is a critical contributor to our overall state of physical and psychological health. One of the most important functions of sleep involves allowing our bodies and our brains to recover and recharge. Sleep is even more important for children, as it directly impacts mental and physical development The topic of children and sleep can be a challenging one though. Children don’t typically understand the importance of sleep and aren’t intrinsically wired to maintain a sleep schedule and structure without external guidance. So, as a child develops, it’s up to their caregivers to manage their sleep schedule and ensure they’re getting enough sleep. Managing children’s sleep problems can be hard enough but teenagers may be even more challenging. We will also address teenagers’ sleep challenges here.
Children and sleep Sleep patterns and needs change drastically across age ranges. For instance, those who have experienced a newborn know that sleep happens whenever the child feels like it, making the parents’ sleep schedule highly irregular. Fortunately, between the age of 6 months to 2 years, children typically begin to develop more of a regular sleep pattern. Once this happens, it’s possible to start implementing proper sleep hygiene principles. Sleep Hygiene for Children Here are 5 effective sleep tips for children aged 2-13 years that can help children with sleep problems:
Sleep hygiene is always the best place to start when it comes to managing sleep challenges but what if it isn’t enough? What if sleep hygiene doesn't work? Sleep hygiene should always be tried first when it comes to sleep challenges. For children and adults alike, maintaining consistently good sleep hygiene is typically enough to help with sleep problems. It’s important to note that sleep hygiene will likely take a few weeks, or longer, to have a noticeable impact on your child’s sleep. So be patient and consistent with their bedtime routine. If your child still has sleep problems (such as not being able to fall asleep, or waking up in the night) some other home treatment options have been found to be effective. For example, research has found white noise played over the course of the night was able to help children with ADHD get to sleep faster and stay asleep longer. Weighted blankets are also demonstrating some preliminary and promising effects on sleep for children with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Teenagers and Sleep Another age category that tends to have significant sleep challenges is teenagers. Despite the traditional angsty know-it-all attitude and resistance some teens may have to regular sleep, their brains are still developing as well as their bodies changing, so sleep is just as important during these years as it was when they were younger. What impacts teenagers’ sleep? Many of us can remember being a teenager and wanting to stay up excessively late, resisting structure and schedule in terms of sleep. And, as a result, feeling constantly sleep-deprived or irritated and grumpy as a result. This is not just rebellious teenager behaviour. Research has shown in the teen years circadian rhythms change drastically, as do hormones. Teenagers don’t just want to stay up longer, their body is telling them to. All the while their schooling starts just as early, if not earlier than it did when they were younger. The net result is sleep-deprivation, as environmental expectations make getting the required amount of sleep more difficult. So, how can we support our teenagers in getting better sleep?We may think that allowing them to sleep in on the weekends to catch up on sleep is the best thing we can do. It isn’t. Letting them sleep in actually makes things worse, as this disrupts the body’s internal clock even more. Remember – a consistent bedtime and wake up time is an important aspect of sleep hygiene – and as such, keeping a consistent schedule is still the best thing for teenagers. Since their circadian rhythms are changing and impacting the time they want to sleep, it can be helpful to adjust this sleep rhythm. This can be done by adjusting their light exposure, such that light is increased in the mornings and decreased at nighttime. Effectively adjusting light exposure involves (1) exposing oneself to natural light (even it it’s cloudy) shortly upon waking up in the morning, and (2) removing light in the evenings by ensuring lights are dimmed. There are blackout blinds/curtains, and discouraging use of screens like smartphones, TV’s and computers before bed. Final Thoughts If your child or teenager still has significant sleep problems or other contributing health issues (physically or emotionally), it’s recommended you speak to a medical professional. Sleep is a very important and incredibly complex process, so when presented with recurrent issues it should be addressed by a qualified healthcare professional and not self-diagnosed or self-medicated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  A divorce, particularly when children are involved, can be one of the hardest life experiences to deal with. Certain times of the year – holidays, birthdays, etc. – amplify the pain that comes along with not having the same once-intact family configuration. Parents typically make arrangements that determine which holidays or portions of holidays they will be able to spend with their children. This often leaves one parent alone and it can be challenging for that parent to not focus on the sadness and loneliness. The first few holidays following a divorce will be the most challenging as the family establishes a new normal around the occasion. So, let’s talk about how to manage family holidays following a divorce.
Missing the kids – and the sadness and loneliness that comes along with that – is not an emotion to shove away. Our emotions are a signal to our brain and body that we are experiencing something that impacts an important part of our life, and what we value. Those emotions validate how important the kids are, how important family is, and that we wish the situation were different. All too often we want to shove away our negative emotional states. But that rarely turns out well, as emotions often rear their heads later on. Our emotions also provide us with the motivation to take some kind of action, to do something differently. So, how do parents manage holidays, especially when a divorce may mean spending them alone? How to Manage Family Holidays Following a Divorce
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. |
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