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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth
The question: There’s a group of us who hang out, and we are pretty sure that one of our friends is gay. We don’t care, we just wish he wouldn’t hide it if that’s the case. Should we ask him outright? The answer: Coming out is a deeply personal process that can be immensely difficult and challenging. I’m happy to hear that among your group, your friend’s sexuality is irrelevant (in a good way) and a non-issue when it comes to how you view him. It sounds like you will accept and support him when he does choose to come out. Whether you should ask him outright is a tricky issue. On one hand, there’s something to be said for communicating to him that you accept him regardless of his sexuality. However, you need to balance that openness with the need to not put him in a position where he’s forced to come out when he’s not ready. Asking him outright may put him in awkward position, and you need to respect that he will come out when he feels he is personally ready to do so. He may also feel that it’s important that he first comes out to certain people in his life – like his family – before anyone else, even your group of friends. Consider the myriad challenges your friend may be facing. He may be going through the personal challenge of accepting his own sexuality before he comes out to others. He may be unsure how to tell those close to him. He may not be sure what reaction he will get from family and friends – those that he cares about and whose opinions matter to him. The best thing you and your friends can do is ensure that you are mindful of actions that may inadvertently create an unsupportive environment. Pay attention to the language you use and the jokes you make. It often stuns me how frequently people, just in day-to-day conversation, with no malicious intent, use words that can alienate someone who is gay. Also, take some time to learn more about the experiences people have when they first come out, so you can better understand what your friend may be going through. PFLAG Canada has links to a range of resources and support agencies that you may find helpful. Pay attention to your friend’s behaviour: It may be indirect communication he is giving about his sexuality. Think about your responses to him. Not uncommonly, people “test the waters” with those close to them before they come out, by observing how people react to seemingly neutral situations or stories. Whenever the opportunity arises, let your friend know what he means to you and what qualities you value in him. If it is appropriate and not awkward, try to convey that you would accept him no matter what. When he does come out, offer to support him however you best can in coming out to other friends, family or coworkers. And, most importantly, let him know how you feel – which is that his sexuality makes no difference to how you view him and your friendship. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My best friend is getting a divorce – and I’m ecstatic. His husband never treated him properly, and I think it’s long overdue. Do I have to act sad because my friend is? I’m trying to enforce the silver lining, but maybe I should just pretend to be devastated? The answer: The strongest friendships are based on a number of core elements: love, respect, trust, unconditional support and acceptance, and honesty. It sounds like you are struggling with knowing how to achieve a good balance between these different components of your friendship, all of which you value. On one hand, you are happy (and I suspect relieved) that your best friend is ending his relationship due to genuine concerns that you have had about him not being treated well. Your heart is in the right place here. You are making efforts to have him see the positive in the situation, which can help him to remain optimistic and hopeful despite his difficult current situation. On the other hand, you’re likely worried that your real feelings may not be perceived by your friend as supportive. Acting disingenuous never works out well in our close relationships. Inevitably our true feelings will come out, and there can be a negative impact on a relationship that can be difficult to repair. That said, you have to be sensitive and empathic to what your friend is going through. The most important thing right now is that you are the most supportive friend that you can be. Bite your tongue slightly on your true feelings (e.g., saying you feel “ecstatic” likely will not serve any useful supportive function, may come across as hurtful, and may be interpreted by your friend as a “I told you so” type of response). But you do not need to completely “act” in a way that is at odds with how you truly do feel (e.g., convey that you felt his husband did not treat him well). Your friend will likely read through any efforts you make to pretend that you feel otherwise and, as you are best friends, I would guess your friend already has a sense of how you feel about his situation. Ask your friend what he needs from you: tell him you love him, that you want to be supportive, and that you want to know what you can do that best help him. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I have a friend who I’ve known almost my whole life. A while ago, he asked me to wire him money because he “lost his wallet” – and not a small amount. Then he dropped out of sight. It turns out his life was nosediving because of alcohol and he wound up homeless. Now he’s getting back on his feet again. I’m happy for him, but now I’m unemployed and want my money back. How do I approach him? The answer: There is some wisdom in the old adage that money and friends don’t mix. More often than not, mixing the two can create rifts in a friendship and add an awkwardness that wasn’t there before. Now, in your situation, you did what a good friend does – in fact what a great friend does: You supported your friend when he needed it. Although you later realized that he was struggling with substance use and likely myriad other difficulties, you put your trust in him and gave when you thought he needed it. It is your friend’s turn to now support you. The best way to approach him is clearly and directly. Here are some tips you can follow when making your request: Describe the past situation: “You may remember that in [month/year] I lent you [x dollars] when you had called and let me know that you lost your wallet. I really wanted to help you out, so was happy to do so. I know you’ve gone through a lot since that time, and I am really happy that you are getting back on your feet again.” Describe your current situation (not necessary but it may help to give context): “Unfortunately, I recently lost my job and am struggling financially.” Make your request (be specific, and provide timelines): “So, I need the full amount of what I lent you back, ideally by the end of the month.” Be reasonably flexible and allow your friend to respond: “I realize that this is likely not something you were planning for. What are your thoughts on being able to get the full amount back to me within that time period?” Then negotiate a reasonable resolution that is acceptable to both of you. Be specific. Ask yourself what you are willing to accept and convey that clearly to your friend. For example, if you need the money within the month and he proposes to pay you six months down the road, let him know that won’t work for you and why. Tell him that you do not want money to get in the way of your friendship and that you are hopeful you can arrive at a resolution that works for both of you. Do not apologize (as that dilutes the request) and do not be overly wordy. If your friend is not willing to give your money back or work to get it to you within the limits he has, unfortunately, it may be that you just have to learn a very valuable lesson from this and decide how, or in what capacity, you want to keep this friend in your life moving forward. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Managing Suicidal Thoughts: How to prevent them in the future
Suicidal ideation, plans and attempts are common: conservatively, 1 out of 10 adults will consider suicide as an option at some point in their life. Despite how common suicide thoughts are, there are effective, evidence-based approaches to managing suicidal thoughts and reducing their frequency in the future. Managing Suicidal Thoughts
Preventing Suicidal Thoughts But, what can we do to decrease the chances of feeling suicidal in the future? 1 - Get treatment for mental health problems: It is important to get treatment for depression, anxiety, and alcohol and drug problems. Just seeing your family doctor may not be enough. It can help to see a mental health specialist, such as a psychologist or a psychiatrist. You can get referrals from your doctor or learn how to find a specialist from one of the referral lines listed on the last page. If you are already receiving treatment, speak up if your treatment plan is not working. 2 - Identify high-risk triggers or situations: Think about the situations or factors that increase your feelings of despair and thoughts of suicide. Work to avoid those situations. For example, going to a bar and drinking with friends may increase feelings of depression. If this is a trigger for you, avoid going to a bar or seeing friends who drink. 3 - Self-care: Taking good care of yourself is important to feel better. It is important to do the following:
4 - Follow through with prescribed medications: If you take prescription medications, it is important to make sure you take them as your doctor directed. Speak to your doctor if medications aren’t working or if side effects are causing you problems. If you have just begun taking antidepressants, it is important to know that the symptoms of depression resolve at different rates. Physical symptoms such as energy or sleep may improve first. Improvement in mood may be delayed. Speak to your doctor if you are feeling worse. 5 - Structure and routine: Keep a regular routine as much as possible, even when your feelings seem out of control. Here are some tips for creating structure in your life:
6 - Do things you enjoy: When you are feeling very low, do an activity you enjoy. You may find that very few things bring you pleasure. Think of things you used to enjoy doing at times you didn’t feel so depressed or suicidal. Do these things, even if they don’t bring you enjoyment right now. Giving yourself a break from suicidal thoughts can help, even if it’s for a short time. 7 - Think of personal goals: Think of personal goals you have for yourself, or that you’ve had in the past. Some examples are: to read a particular book; travel; get a pet; move to another place; learn a new hobby; volunteer; go back to school; or start a family. Final Thoughts If you’ve been feeling suicidal know that you’re not alone. And just because you’ve felt suicidal doesn’t mean those thoughts will last forever. Taking small steps toward improving your mental wellness can help to prevent suicidal thoughts from returning. And remember there is help if you need it. If you or someone you love is at immediate risk of suicide, call 9-1-1. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I love being single, every day of the year except Valentine’s Day. For 24 hours I feel like I need another person in my life. It’s an awful feeling. What do you recommend I do to avoid this? I can’t do another ‘single’s party’ or first date. It all seems so fake. The answer: Ask yourself this: why does feeling that you need another person seem awful? Think about why you are rejecting any notion of being in a couple. As humans we are social creatures, who both need other people in our life, and need to be needed by others. Think about what this is about for you – do you feel it is a sign of weakness to need another? Is this a barrier for you in terms of actively pursuing or acting on a connection with someone? That said, certain days of the year can feel particularly difficult if you are single – and Valentine’s Day falls at the top of that list. This of course is not surprising given that it is the day of the year that has an explicit focus on couples, relationships and ideas of never-ending romantic love. Other special days such as Christmas, New Year’s and birthdays are also ones that can be hard hitters. Many single people will describe just wishing that those days would hurry up and be over, as they feel particularly lonely on those days, much more than they may at any other time of the year. Making yourself do something to rebel against the idea of Valentine’s Day often doesn’t work. A ‘single’s party’ for example can ironically have the opposite effect and further amplify your single status; and, having a first date just for the sake of a date certainly can feel fake and forced. Instead, think about just doing something for yourself that is a treat or makes you feel special – a massage, an indulgent gift, or a short trip away. Try to understand what it is that you are reacting you – you say that you “love” being single every other day but feeling “awful” on Valentine’s Day. There appears to be a disconnect for me in the intensity of the feelings you are having. You are wishing that your relationship status was different, and perhaps you aren’t loving being single as much as you feel at times. This may be hard to admit or acknowledge to yourself, but may be important information in that it may motivate you to make some active changes in your life that can help you to work on changing your relationship status. For the interim, to get through the day, remember that Valentine’s Day is a day just like any other (also true for the other holidays!). This can be hard to do when we are bombarded by images of flowers, balloons, chocolates and other testimonials attesting to one’s love for another person every which way we look – TV, stores, and even in your office. But it is just one day and there are 364 others that are not surrounded with multiple images of coupledom. Remind yourself that your negative feelings will abate (as they always do) and that the 24 hours will be over before you know it. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Navigating Valentine’s Day when partners don’t agree about its significance
For heterosexual couples, there’s no special occasion that men and women disagree about more than Valentine’s Day! Many men that I hear from are frustrated and confused about the (seemingly) disproportionate emphasis that their female partners place on this day relative to other days of the year. Why do women like Valentine’s Day and place more importance on it? Let’s talk about it! Note this article is not intended to exclude same-sex couples, but rather to address some of the significant sex differences that do exist between men and women when it comes to Valentine’s Day. Why do women like Valentine’s Day? So, let me explain why I think women like Valentine’s Day. They like Valentine’s Day for reasons that are, in spirit, not dissimilar to the reasons they like other special occasions. The day is a celebration of something very special in their lives – love. An informal poll of my female friends was unanimous. This is a day that women want to feel extra loved, appreciated and special to their partners. Chalk it up to the childhood dreams many of us women have about fairy-tale happy endings and knights in shining armour. It’s perhaps a little silly, and usually far from the reality of life, but certainly, something that makes many feel warm and fuzzy inside. How to navigate Valentine’s Day without feeling like you’re letting your partner down Here’s what I suggest:
Love Languages In his fantastic book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, Dr. Gary Chapman writes about the differences couples encounter when they are speaking different “love languages.” He articulates the importance of understanding your partner’s primary love language (i.e. quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service or physical touch) as a way to improve and strengthen your relationship. Special occasions – and the associated celebration of them – often speak to the different love languages couples have, and the differences partners have about how the other communicates their love. So, smile. Enjoy the day. Go the extra mile for your partner on this day, then ask yourself: Something that makes her feel extra happy and special can’t be all bad, can it? By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My friends are getting a divorce and I’m afraid I’ll be caught in the middle. Even though I didn’t initially know my girlfriend’s soon-to-be ex-husband, I have formed a close relationship with him during their relationship. Now, I’m worried my girlfriend will expect me to support her fully through this. How do I avoid taking sides, will I still be alienating both of them? The answer: Having a strong bond with two friends who are in the process of divorcing is a very tricky situation to be in, and it’s wise that you are considering how to thoughtfully navigate these waters. This is a very emotionally tumultuous time for both of your friends, and a period during which they will be leaning on those close to them for support and friendship. One or both of them may have expectations of which mutual friends will side with whom, and it would be not at all unusual if they have a hypersensitivity to any signs of actual or perceived betrayal from their friends. The best way to approach this, given you have a feeling of loyalty to both, is to put the issues on the table and have a candid conversation with each of your friends (individually) about the position you feel you are in, and how to move forward in a way that is respectful and helpful to each of them. As your initial friendship was with your girlfriend, I would start by speaking to her. Think about how you would feel if you were in her situation; I certainly know if I were her, I would appreciate and feel respected to have you approach me first. Put out there the truth of how you feel – that you value your friendship, that (as she is aware) you have also over the years formed a friendship with her husband, and that you feel stuck in the middle. Let her know you want to support her but aren’t sure how to best do this in a way that no one gets hurt. Ask her what her expectations are. The best-case situation is that she understands the position that you are in, and doesn’t hold it against you that you also have a friendship with her husband. The two of you can then come to some agreements about how you can offer her support, while still maintaining your friendship with her ex. I’ve been in this situation myself, and I found the best thing I could do was let each friend know that I was there to listen to them if they needed support, that I would maintain the confidentiality of what each of them told me, and that I would not engage in conversation where one partner wanted to extract information from me about the other (e.g., who they are dating, what they are saying about the other, etc.). If both parties are mature and empathetic to your position, this can work well. Your primary challenge will be to ensure that you stick to the boundaries you have established, and be mindful and attentive if either friend strays from the agreed-upon parameters. It would be natural if you found yourself siding a bit more with one friend over the other, but you will have to rigidly adhere to not verbalizing this if you hope to maintain both friendships in the long term. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Online Counselling Services: Understanding Your Options
Online counselling services are becoming more and more popular as our lives get busier and we become more technologically connected. Online counselling provides a unique opportunity to people with busy schedules or other concerns that prevent them from being able to access in-office treatment. If you’re interested in online counselling it may be difficult to know where to start as there are already many different services available, often at vastly different price points. Types of Online Counselling Services So, what types of online counselling services exist? And how do you know which services are best for you? Here we will talk about the different types of online counselling services and their pros and cons. 1. Apps (standalone use)
2. Apps (community-based support/chat rooms – for example: Healthful Chat)
3. Apps with coaching supports (example: Better help)
4. Online counselling Service
What is continuity of care? Continuity of care is the consistency and effectiveness of treatment over time. With mental health services, this includes the work a person does with their individual practitioner over time, as well as the focus on working with other members of the individuals’ health care team (if/as needed). When services don’t have this continuity, there’s something that’s lost in the therapeutic experience. That’s not to say these types of services don’t have a place. They’re effective in providing crisis management, for example supporting a person through the process of panic attacks. It’s important to understand the differences between these services to determine which is most appropriate based on your goals and financial needs. Are you ready to book your online counselling session? If so, get it touch! We’re also happy to provide more information if you have any questions. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I find that when something’s bothering me (such as something my brother-in-law says or slacker behaviour by a co-worker) I get really fixated on it and keep turning it over and over in my head. How do I move my mind off it and stop obsessing? The answer: Spending more time than usual thinking about situations that are upsetting or annoying is a very natural human reaction. Rumination (repetitive, obsessive thoughts) and the associated emotional responses (worry, anxiety, anger) serve a useful function. The function of virtually every emotional state is threefold: (1) to validate to ourselves that something is happening that affects something important to us; (2) to communicate to others that we need support or that their behaviour has been inappropriate; (3) and to motivate action. So let’s take a look at the situation relating to your “slacker” co-worker. Your obsessive thoughts (and the associated emotions) may be functioning in the following way: (1) to validate to yourself that you value a strong work ethic and take pride in your work, and you do not respect people who do not hold this same view; (2) your behaviour at work (intentionally or not) may be communicating to your boss that you need him or her to intervene, or you may be communicating to your co-worker that his or her behaviour is unacceptable because it affects your ability to do your job well; (3) it may motivate you toward the action of approaching your boss or another co-worker to seek advice, or to talk directly to the co-worker in question about his or her behaviour and how it is affecting you. An important question to ask yourself is this: Is your rumination serving any of the above useful functions. If so, your job is to understand the function it is serving, and then ask yourself if there anything you can do about it. If yes, take the appropriate action. If no, then your job is to find a way to move on. There are a few strategies that can help. First, increase your awareness to the thoughts you are having (we can’t change thoughts unless we are aware that we are having them in the first place). Then write down your thoughts. It is amazing how powerful thoughts can become when we are caught in the trap of silent rumination. Putting those thoughts on paper is a technique that can help take their power away. Once you have written your thoughts down, ask yourself if the thoughts are realistic and accurate. For example, if you have the thought “my co-worker is a total good-for-nothing and can never do anything right” this is likely not fully realistic nor accurate. For any unrealistic or inaccurate thoughts, come up with more realistic ones (e.g., “my co-worker has not pulled his or her weight on this big project, but generally does a decent job when assigned tasks”). Then actively remind yourself to challenge and replace your negative, extreme thoughts. This takes practice, but over time your mood will improve and the ruminative thoughts will decrease. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’ve always been a sensitive and emotional person. While I don’t think it’s a negative thing, I do find that I take a lot of comments seriously and personally. Often people may be joking, but somehow I interpret their statements negatively. How can I embrace my sensitivity without going overboard? The answer: I like that you have established a useful and realistic goal for yourself – to embrace a trait you have that, while not all negative, has some downsides for you in certain situations. Any personality trait or attribute exists along a continuum, and we all tend to have a set-point range where we fall along that continuum. The contributing factors are multiple, and ultimately a combination of nature and nurture: the personality and genetics we came into this world with; our early childhood environment; and important life events and circumstances (both positive and negative). Like you, I am high on the sensitivity scale. There are a great things that come along with this – sensitive people are more likely to experience intense positive emotions, tend to connect with others’ emotional experiences on a deeper level, are more attune to changes in others’ moods and, and have a strong ability to empathize with others. However, as you have recognized there are also downsides to being highly sensitive and emotional. You are more likely to personalize things, interpret things with negative intent when it may not exist, and overreact negatively to what may be a perceived insult. I suspect you are also likely to ruminate over things that have been said or done by others, have a hard time letting go of the past, and experience deeper hurt when it comes to conflict in interpersonal relationships. When it comes to our emotional reactions, the single most important factor that shapes how we react is our thoughts. If you are walking down the street, wave to an acquaintance you recently met at a party who ignores you, and think “I must have said something she didn’t like when we met” you are likely going to react negatively. If instead you think (as people who are high in emotional resiliency would) “she didn’t recognize me, seeing me here is out of context” or “she looked preoccupied with a phone call she was on” you will probably have little to no emotional reaction. Identify the automatic thoughts and interpretations that come up for you in situations where you react to others’ comments. Then ask yourself a few key questions: Is the thought/interpretation you are having realistic and accurate? What is the evidence that what you are thinking is not true? What alternative explanations could there be for the comment that was made? Then actively work on replacing the automatic negative/personalized thoughts with thoughts that are more accurate to the situation, based on a review of all of the evidence. I believe a core part of our life’s work is to continue to build awareness of who we are, recognize the patterns and behaviours we engage in that may be negatively impacting us or those around us, and work to continually improve areas of weakness. And you are right – the goal is to not do away with fundamental elements that make you who you are, but rather to embrace those attributes in a way that the positives are maximized and the negatives are minimized so that you are living an overall happier life. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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