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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My boss is incredibly skinny – I think she has an eating disorder (she only has one or two bites at any lunch that I’ve seen). Is it wildly inappropriate for me to ask her about that? I’m worried about her. The answer: Lower than average body weight (less than 85 per cent of one’s expected body weight based on their sex and height) and significant restriction of food intake are two hallmarks of anorexia nervosa, a rare but serious eating disorder. In addition, individuals have an intense fear of weight gain. They may excessively exercise and may misuse laxatives, diuretics or enemas. There may occasionally be elements of binge-eating or purging. Food restriction can also be associated with bulimia nervosa, which has the hallmark features of recurrent binge-eating behaviours (i.e., eating a markedly high quantity of food during discrete periods of time, with an associated lack of control during the binge) as well as purging behaviours to prevent weight gain (self-induced vomiting, excessive exercise or use of diuretics, laxatives or enemas may occur). Keep in mind that being skinny and eating small quantities of food for lunch may or may not indicate that your boss has an eating disorder. She may have a small build, have health issues that explain her low weight or be eating larger quantities of food at other times. That being said, you may still feel concerned. Your question then of how – if at all – to approach this with your boss is a difficult one. The fact that she is your boss makes this much more complicated than if she were a friend or a family member. You need to remain mindful of a number of issues. What type of relationship do the two of you have? Your concern makes me think that you may have some level of friendship or closeness with her that is beyond a formal employer/employee relationship. What is your guess about how she might react to you bringing this up? Would you be placing your position in jeopardy if you were to overstep what in some situations may be very clear workplace boundaries? Given your worries, you may want to consider very gently and respectfully expressing them to her. Keep in mind that she may feel not at all comfortable having this discussion with you because you are her employee, which is perfectly understandable and acceptable. If you do decide to approach her, make sure that you have some dedicated time to speak, that you are in a private location away from other employees and that it is not at the beginning or in the middle of a busy work day. Be very honest. State that you have felt nervous or unsure about how to approach this conversation and that you respect her privacy, but that you care about her and are concerned. Be specific, but qualify this by acknowledging that you may be way off base. Indicate that you notice she has lost weight (if this is accurate) and that she eats very small quantities of food. Ask her if there is anything you can do that could be of assistance, and if so what would be helpful. If she does not want to have this conversation, respect her wish and apologize for overstepping any boundaries. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I feel like I’m self-sabotaging my weight loss. I know what it takes to lose the weight. At 34, I’m not obese – but I’m chunky, and I’ve been skinny a number of times – but always put it back on. I can tell myself I’ll only have salad before I go out for dinner with friends, but inevitably end up eating junk and drinking beer. Why do I do this? Can you recommend mental strategies so I can get skinny and stay that way? The answer: An immediate observation: you say you are “chunky” and that you have been “skinny” on a number of occasions in the past, but have unable to maintain that weight. Rather than thinking in terms of any extremes, the first mental shift you need to make is to establish a realistic and healthy weight goal – both for the short-term and long-term. If you are aiming for a goal that is unhealthy or unrealistic, you are setting yourself up for failure. And unfortunately, this can contribute to a yo-yo effect in terms of both dieting behaviours and weight fluctuations, as you have described. You can easily find body mass index (BMI) calculators online which can provide you a reasonable approximation of what a healthy weight range should be for your height and sex. Speaking to a physician, dietitian or nutritionist can also help provide you with some guidance. Once you have revised your target goal, remind yourself that slow and steady definitely wins the race. Guidelines suggest that it is unhealthy to lose any more than 1 to 2 pounds per week – so keep this and your current weight in mind when establishing a weight loss goal. The principles of weight loss are not complicated, and as you have said you know what it takes to lose weight. Weight loss requires increasing activity, and decreasing caloric intake (through a combination of reducing the amount of food eaten and making healthier food choices). Be mindful of the types of limits and expectations you put on yourself – often, these are the biggest psychological barriers to not being able to stick to weight loss strategies: Black or white thinking when it comes to weight or diet changes is never effective – which is part of the reason diets fail more often than not. Try to not make “all-or-nothing” statements such as “I will only eat a salad when I go out for dinner” or “I will never eat junk food”. Instead, make realistic goals you can stick to, such as “I won’t eat junk food after such-and-such a time at night” or “I will limit alcohol intake when out with friends to a maximum of two drinks”. These goals are much more realistic, and you are more likely to be successful in sticking to them as you are not depriving yourself. Remember, you can always revise and refine your goals if you aren’t reaching your target weight loss. Finally remind yourself that weight changes take time. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dominic Brennan, RCC  My Anger and My Frustrations:
When we are frustrated at something or someone, we may get angry if we don’t know how to deal with it. But also, when we are angry at something or someone, the after-feeling can often be frustrating, particularly that we’ve let anger take over and it’s happened again. So frustrating! Then, we may get angry at ourselves again for letting that happen. So, we get angry when we’re frustrated, and get frustrated when we get angry. Confusing isn’t it? It’s definitely a loop. If we don’t deal with one issue, anger or frustration, then it’s highly unlikely we can deal with the other. And if we don’t deal with either, it can lead to depression; which can present as anger turned inwards at ourselves. If we don’t deal with anger and frustration it can lead to; depression, broken relationships, getting fired, regretting, resentment, getting into trouble, upsetting those close to us, damaging those who look at us as role models, and so the list goes… Anger and Masculinity There are numerous ups and downs in our life that may frustrate us and make us angry. Generally, if a man wants to appear powerful and masculine we may feel we want to show anger, as we don’t want to appear weak. That’s frustrating right?! On the other hand, frustration is often coming from a place of uncertainty, insecurity and when we sense our (or someone else’s) inability to fulfil our needs, which can be very frustrating. That’s a reason to be angry right?! There is a lot of talk surrounding the fact that anger and frustration are normal emotions, which in principle I have to agree with. However, when we really talk of anger and frustration it’s important to talk about the impact it has on ourselves and those around us. What we should do is normalize it to a point that it does not hurt us or those around us but instead, opens doors for a new way of communicating and being assertive. It’s also worth pointing out that anger and frustration do have a negative effect on our body. A raised heart rate and then negative energy can all lead to physiological issues with our health. Is it worth it? No, it’s not – believe me! Managing Anger and Frustration So, we can start by reminding ourselves there is nothing wrong with anger and frustration, as it’s a normal part of our emotional experience. However, there is a healthy way and an unhealthy way to deal with these emotions. A good place to start is understanding where our frustrations and anger typically arise. Uncovering your reasons for AngerAs we unpack our emotions, let’s look at what would be some general issues and examples of things that may make us angry or frustrated. I need to perform a certain way. Why can’t they do it this way? They have no idea what I am talking about? I’m being threatened! Look at the way they work? I’m not heard and my point of view is never taken seriously or listened to! I told them before! There’s no intimacy between us! Those demands are unrealistic! I’m never allowed time for myself! That’s not fair! I didn’t deserve that! I’m being targeted! Can’t they see what I’m contributing! I never get recognized for what I do! I need to stand up for myself and show them I’m a man and who is the boss! I’m doing more than others! They have no right! I’m stressed! There are plenty more examples that can be added here for sure and it is a good exercise for you to do so. What’s on your list? One way to start the process of uncovering your reasons for anger and frustration is by identifying what you feel is wrong. The list is the beginning of understanding the triggers for your anger and frustration. Managing Triggers Knowing the things that typically trigger your anger response can help you to identify them early and prevent the development of anger as a result of the trigger. So, once you know your triggers it’s important to learn to recognize these early on so you can take action and engage your coping skills. There are many different coping skills that can help to manage your triggers and a therapist can be helpful in helping you to identify the tools that are most effective for you. I love to think about it in terms of do I react or do I respond. A reaction is something that is almost immediate and without thought. Reacting can often get us in trouble. Responding on the other hand takes a little more time, and unless we find ourselves in a dangerous situation where reacting will save our life (fight or flight response), responding is the more appropriate technique to engage. How to respond effectively In order to respond effectively, we may need to take a step back in order to approach the situation more calmly and rationally. This could involve taking a moment to practice mindfulness and do some deep breathing. Or it could involve having a diversion or distraction to buy ourselves time to come back to the situation in a calmer state. For me, every time I get angry with my partner, or situation at home, I take my dog for a walk and practice deep breathing along the journey as I capture my thoughts and plan my response. It’s good to plan timeouts and diversions in advance with those at home so they know we are safe and just taking time away to cool off. After we have engaged in one of these practices and are feeling calmer, we can return to the issue that was causing us anger or frustration. Plan to return to the issue in 30 minutes to an hour, as important issues must never be ignored. When returning to the issue it is time to be rational, respect everyone’s boundaries, and be assertive in our communication – these are also skills we can practice with a counsellor. Final Thoughts Dealing with triggers is just one of the coping skills you can learn. Learning about dealing with emotions, developing a set of anger management skills, practicing assertive communication, stress exploration, and challenging our thoughts along the way can all be helpful to manage our anger and help us to become more effective communicators. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  As it becomes more common and easier to talk about mental health-related issues, more and more people are seeking support from mental health professionals. However, many people are still uncertain or wary of the process and are unsure about whether or not therapy will work for them.
At the risk of sounding biased, I firmly believe we can all benefit from the support, perspective, and guidance of an objective, competent, and specialized professional for various issues at different points in our lives. This is true for any area of life with which we are struggling – physical health (physician), our taxes (accountant), selling a home (realtor), or our emotional health (psychologist/clinical counsellor). Research indicates that individuals with the most common types of psychological concerns (i.e., uncomplicated depression, anxiety, and relationship difficulties) experience significant benefit after an average of 12 to 16 treatment sessions. Individuals with more complicated histories or concerns (such as childhood history of trauma or chronic suicidality) experience benefit with about 24 sessions. But, what if you’ve already started therapy and are feeling like it isn’t working for you? It is wise to pay attention to the feeling you have that your current therapy is not helping, as that is giving you an important message that you need to do something different. The beneficial impact of therapy is dependent on a number of important factors. Here are a few things to consider: 1. The professional relationship As with any other relationship with a professional, a good fit between you and the service provider is important. Even more so with a therapist/client relationship, given that people are exposing themselves emotionally and are addressing issues such as fears, insecurities, and other core vulnerabilities. Things to keep in mind when assessing fit with a psychologist or other mental health professional are their approach, style, and personality. 2. Consider the issues you came to therapy to address Some practitioners have specialized areas of focus in terms of the types of clients and treatment modalities they use, whereas others are more general. Consider why you came to therapy and find out if the therapist you are seeing has expertise in dealing with your specific issues. 3. Competence levels In every single profession, individuals range in terms of their competence levels. Ensure the psychologist is up to date on advances in treatment approaches and takes an evidence-based treatment approach (which means providing treatment techniques that research has shown are effective). Ask the psychologist directly about the types of treatment approaches they use and the rationale for them. 4. Communicate your feelings about treatment to the psychologist A good psychologist will not get defensive, and will openly address your frustration with the lack of progress. They should suggest a different treatment approach, or suggest an alternate type of treatment and/or alternate professional. If, after considering the above, you feel that there are still no shifts or improvements, I would suggest seeking out a different provider, rather than giving up on therapy – as the research is very clear: therapy works! Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’ve been divorced for a few years and have two children, 10 and 8. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about a year and half. I want to introduce my children to her, but I’m unsure if it’s too soon. My girlfriend wants to meet them as well and is very supportive. But I fear putting them in an uncomfortable emotional state, if perhaps something doesn’t work out or they struggle with the new person in my life. What should I do? The answer: It is extremely difficult for many people to gauge just what the right timing is for introducing a new partner into the lives of their children. Concern about distressing your kids, worry about their reaction and acceptance, and the uncertainty of your future with your partner are all very common, natural and valid concerns. But, here’s the bottom line: there is never going to be the perfect time to take this pivotal step. There are, however, multiple considerations for you to be mindful of before you proceed: how serious your relationship with your girlfriend is and whether you picture her in your future; the willingness, interest and expectations she has about being a part of your children’s lives; and the developmental and emotional state of your children. A year and a half is a pretty substantial period of time to be together. Ask yourself candidly where you see the relationship going – are you in love with her? Do you picture her in your foreseeable future? And most importantly do the two of you have shared values when it comes to the big ticket items – love, respect, kindness, fidelity? Her willingness and support when it comes to meeting your children is a positive sign. If you haven’t already, be sure that you have a discussion with her about your worries. Ask her what her expectations are for the role she wants in their lives. Does this match up with what you desire? Are there any hurdles you anticipate when it comes to your children’s biological mother’s acceptance of your girlfriend, and if so are you in a position to have a respectful, helpful conversation with your ex about how she feels about this next step? Are you able to enlist her support in speaking to your kids (if this is at all possible, it can be extremely helpful). There’s no perfect age for kids to be introduced to a new partner. Most children – kids, teens, and adults alike – are likely to have some mixed and negative feelings about the introduction of a new partner. The best thing you can do is prepare your children and given them some amount of control over the process. For all of us, having some element of control (even just perceived control) and predictability over potentially upsetting events helps us cope better. Let them know you have someone important in your life that you would like them to meet. Follow their lead with questions – and answer as honestly as you can (Is she your girlfriend? How long have you known her? Is she going to live with us?). Then let your children know you would like them to meet her. Be careful to not place them in the position of making a decision about whether or not they want to meet her (as that would place an undue burden on them) but where and when would work (“would you like her to come to our house for dinner one day, or would you like to meet her at the park?”). Reassure them that it’s ok if they feel confused about her being in your life. Make sure that throughout the process, you communicate two key messages: that your love for them will not in any way be impacted, and that your girlfriend will not take the place of their mother. Keep in mind that there is never any certainty about the future of any relationship, that your children will probably be upset for some period of time but they will adjust, and that you have a right to move forward in your personal life as well. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Vanessa Rouzier, RCC  Mindfulness can be defined as the action to observe what is happening while it is happening, in a non-judgmental and non-reactive way. While practicing mindfulness, you learn to pay attention to external stimuli (what you see, hear, touch, smell or taste) as well as internal stimuli (your body sensations, emotions and thoughts). One way to practice mindfulness is through mindful eating.
Science tells us being intentionally and actively mindful has so many positive benefits on our psychological health. These include, but are not limited to; reduction of stress, reduced rumination, decreased symptoms of depression & anxiety, less emotional reactivity & more effective emotion regulation, increased focus, enhanced cognitive flexibility, and improved working memory. Mindfulness is a skill we can learn to foster, enhance and implement across all areas of our life. Why apply mindfulness to eating? In a society of performance, where we always feel the need to do and have more, it’s easy to become disconnected from our experience of eating. This can lead to poor eating habits. We are eating mindlessly when we finish a bag of chips or cookies without realizing it, when we don’t really taste our food, or when we grab something to eat by habit without considering whether or not we are hungry. Mindfulness eating can help you slow down, fully engage with the experience of eating, and become more aware of the biological signals of hunger and satiety. It can take a couple of minutes for your brain to receive the signal from the digestive system that you’re full. As a result, when you the time to eat and be fully present during a meal you will notice when you’re full which helps you avoid eating more than what your body needs. The general idea is to learn to trust your body as a guide for when, why, what and how to eat. Strategies to be a Mindful Eater 1) Truly engage in the experience of eating
2) Slow down!
3) Notice how you feel
Final thoughts If you made an eating choice that triggered physical or emotional discomfort, don’t be hard on yourself. Try to see this experience as an opportunity to learn about yourself and what your body needs. Change can take time and practice. Have some self-compassion as you learn to engage with mindful eating habits and become a more mindful eater. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I can’t control my tongue with my spouse. I’ve got a quick temper, and sometimes I’ll just snap and say hurtful things I don’t really mean. How can I get this under control? The answer: Start by memorizing this: Can’t lives on won’t street. The word “can’t” must be reserved for the impossible. Learning to control one’s temper and change behaviour may be challenging at times, but it is not impossible. Often our behaviour doesn’t change because we make ourselves believe it can’t. So you need to first believe that you are able to change. All of us think about changing our behaviour when, for some reason, the cons of that behaviour outweigh the pros. Articulate why you now feel motivated to change. What is the negative impact on your spouse (hurt feelings), yourself (guilt) and the long-term health of your relationship? Think about why you respond to your spouse this way. Behaviours frequently are maintained because there is some short-term gain. How does your spouse react when you get upset? Does he or she give in to your demands, get quiet or leave you alone? Are there other, more respectful, ways you can communicate to achieve the desired end? Be honest with yourself about why you react the way you do. You say you’ve got “a quick temper.” Where does this come from? Often the way that we respond to others (especially those close to us) is rooted in our family of origin – i.e. the ways in which others treated us or the ways we saw our parents treat each other. Has this been a long-term way that you react to many different people in your life? What specifically do you feel you are reacting to? Remember that there is nothing wrong with feeling upset or angry. Anger is a normal, healthy part of the human experience and can serve a function in some situations. It provides us with useful information about our environment and is experienced when we feel disrespected, attacked or threatened, or when our boundaries are being crossed. Sometimes anger can be a “secondary emotion,” and is the manifestation of an underlying primary emotion that is more difficult to acknowledge or express (such as fear, hurt or insecurity). As you recognize, it is important to distinguish the emotional experience of anger (which may be appropriate) from the behavioural manifestation. Anger and its manifestations can become problematic when there is a mismatch between the trigger situation and the response, or when it is inappropriately expressed or done in a way that is hurtful to others. Whatever the contributors and reasons, it seems that you acknowledge that your response to your spouse is unfair and that you need to change your communication style. So make the commitment. Ask yourself what you will do differently. Be clear, specific and precise. Make yourself accountable by explicitly telling your spouse what you will be doing differently and ask your spouse to call you out when you don’t adhere to those goals. To work further on your anger issues, here are a few books you may find useful: The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner is a classic book on anger written for women. Beyond Anger: A Guide for Men by Thomas Harbin takes a no-nonsense approach to anger in men. Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames by Thich Nhat Hanh takes a mindfulness/Buddhist approach to managing anger. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My father-in-law suffers from depression. He admits this but he hates what he calls the “medical model”, including psychologists, and refuses to see a professional. Is there any way to help him with his depression? The answer: Although as a society we are gradually improving in our awareness and understanding of psychological health conditions, unfortunately a considerable amount of stigma continues. Stunning, given that the statistics indicate that one out of four Canadians (or more) will at some point in their lifetime struggle from a diagnosable depression or anxiety disorder. Individuals from certain demographic groups – including older adults, men, and those from certain cultural backgrounds – tend to have even more difficulty than the average person in both admitting to and seeking assistance for mental health issues. Often this comes from a combination of not fully understanding what psychological health difficulties mean or entail; feelings of shame or embarrassment; feeling that one is “weak” for having emotional difficulties; and hopelessness that their difficulties are not getting better. Your father-in-law admitting that he he has depression is a positive step. His statements of “hating” the “medical model” may be grounded in a lack of understanding of what treatments look like, and a lack of hope that treatment could be helpful. I wonder what he means by “the medical model”. Certainly the traditional medical model view of mental health issues (i.e., that a biochemical imbalance unilaterally leads to illness) is not supported by the research. The evidence is very clear: that, like most physical health conditions, psychological difficulties such as depression are the result of a complex interplay of a number of factors: Genetics/family history, early childhood experiences, stressful life events, personality factors, our ways of thinking, and the behaviours and actions we engage in all play an important role in whether or not any one of us develops depression. Start by speaking to your father-in-law and indicating you are worried about him. Acknowledge that you understand he has strong feelings about the medical model, but that you understand there may be other effective treatments out there that may help him that maybe he could think about exploring. Try to understand what exactly he is resistant to. Is he worried about taking medications and becoming “addicted” or having side effects? Has he tried treatments before that were ineffective? Is he nervous about sharing private issues with someone? If you can better understand his apprehension, you may get useful information that can help you know how to better support him. You may also find it helpful to read more about ways to support a family member with depression. You can find useful links to a number of free, evidence-based individual and family resources for depression on at the Psychological Health & Safety Clinic. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My friend was a few months along in her pregnancy when she recently had a miscarriage. How do I support her without being intrusive or overbearing? The answer: Miscarriages are, unfortunately, relatively common. Up to one out of five women will experience a miscarriage, with the large number occurring within the first seven weeks of gestation, not uncommonly before the woman even knows she is pregnant. In spite of the frequency, the loss of a pregnancy – particularly several months into the term – can be a huge emotional loss. A number of factors impact a woman’s reaction to a miscarriage: how far along she was in the pregnancy; her age; how long she had been trying to get pregnant; whether she has other children; and whether she has had difficulties with fertility. Current or pre-existing mood issues, such as depression or anxiety, may also be exacerbated or triggered post-miscarriage. All too often, people don’t know what to say to someone who has experienced a loss, and instead they stay silent. Or conversely, as you are worried, they may inadvertently amplify difficulties by becoming overly intrusive. The best thing for you to do is to gently speak to your friend and ask her what would be helpful. Let her know you love her, and want to support her the best you can. Explain your worry explicitly – tell your friend that you respect her need for privacy and personal grieving, and that you want to ensure you aren’t being intrusive or overbearing. Finally, let her know you are there to listen. And do just that: listen. Don’t try to tell her you understand what it feels like (as this can be perceived as invalidating, particularly if you haven’t experienced a miscarriage yourself). Resist the urge to problem-solve or to be Pollyannaish in your advice. For example, saying things such as “look on the bright side, you are so young and can try again!” will probably not be helpful and could make her feel even less understood. Ask her what you can do to help. She may very much welcome logistical or pragmatic assistance: You can prep meals for her, clean her home, offer to watch her other children if she has them. You can also suggest to attend a doctor or midwife’s appointment with her to get more information on next steps and options. Pay attention to what she says and try to honour it. Often, even when we mean well, we offer the kind of support to others that we ourselves would want, without being attune to the unique needs the other person has. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m gay, and no one in my life knows. Not my family, not my best friend – no one. I’m okay with who I am, but I am terrified to talk about it. I’d like to start with my mom – she’s going to be the most difficult, I think – very conservative values (but never outwardly homophobic). Do you have suggestions on how to have this conversation? The answer: Coming out can be hugely stressful, scary and challenging. Ironically, this process may feel most difficult when it comes to speaking to the people who are closest to you. I am happy to hear that you feel confident in your sexuality: Self-acceptance is a huge first step. The next steps toward coming out are also key; we are by nature social beings, and both need and thrive off social connections. Having the support and acceptance of those that mean the most to you is integral. You say that your mom will likely be the most difficult to talk to. My gentle suggestion would be to first come out to other family members or friends who you anticipate may be more approachable. This can help prepare you for how conversations may go, and more importantly put in place a support system for when you do talk to your mom. When you do speak with her, understand that she may express a range of reactions. In the best-case scenario, she may surprise you, and the conversation may go much easier than you anticipate. However, many parents – despite their best intentions and love for their children – may express sadness, frustration, confusion or anger when their child comes out. Keep in mind that the intensity of any negative emotions she expresses will likely dissipate over time, and may in large part be a knee-jerk reaction to hearing something unexpected. When you do decide to speak to her, have the conversation when you are both free of distractions and can have dedicated, uninterrupted time. Pick a day in which you are feeling reasonably rested and well from a physical and emotional standpoint. Start by telling her that you need to speak to her about something important and personal, and that you would like her to first listen and try not to interrupt or react. Let her know that you love her and that you realize what you are telling her may be hard for her to hear or accept. And then speak openly and honestly from your heart. Try to describe to her what the journey has been like for you and also express how important her support is to you. Coming out may be a difficult journey, so do take care of yourself emotionally and physically throughout this time. Engage in good self-care when it comes to sleep and diet. Exercise and minimize use of alcohol. Build a network of support that can be there for you as you start having these conversations. There are a range of community agencies and professionals that can help support you through this process. PFLAG Canada (pflagcanada.ca) is a national organization that offers support and referrals, and is available 24/7. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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