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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I keep having violent dreams that wake me up in the middle of the night. What’s going on? The answer: We don’t understand very well why we dream, whether dreams have meaning, and why some people have vivid dreams, while others rarely can remember having a dream at all. We do know from studies that look at dream content that we tend to consistently have and remember more negative dreams than positive ones. Some theories suggest that there is an adaptive function to having threatening dreams – it helps us simulate threatening events and situations (in a safe environment) with the result of helping us be more cognitively prepared for threats when they come up in real life. There are a few reasons you may be having violent dreams. It may be that you are currently under a high level stress or that you are (or feel you may be) in a threatening situation that you need to get out of. Consider the current stressors in your life and think about ways you can get help with these difficulties. Individuals who have experienced traumatic events (abuse, assault, life-threatening situations including accidents or illnesses) are at higher risk for having nightmares. A mental health professional can help you work past traumas. Violent dreams can also be the result of a sleep disorder, known as parasomnia. Speak to your family physician if you are having recurrent violent dreams as an overnight sleep study, called a polysomnography, may be helpful to determine the cause. Finally, side effects of a number of medications can include violent dreams and nightmares (as many medications affect the stage of sleep in which we dream – the REM, or rapid eye movement, stage). Changing medications or dosages may help to solve the problem. Independent of the specific cause, there are a number of pre-sleep rituals that may help minimize the intensity or frequency of your violent dreams. Try to minimize talking or thinking about stressful situations before bed. Relaxation or meditation strategies can help to slow your mind and body down. Have a warm bath, or listen to soothing music to distract your mind. Avoid reading books or watching TV or movies with upsetting content. If you are woken by a violent dream, get out of bed and practice some deep breathing and do something relaxing, such as listening to soothing music or having a warm glass of milk, before you get back into bed. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I am a 30-year-old successful female, dating a guy who doesn’t seem to be too serious about us. I don’t want to waste more time on casual relationships, but I don’t want to come off sounding like I am desperate or crazy. My question is how do you assess whether a guy is interested in the traditional marriage, kids, moving in together routine without scaring the heck out of him and send him running for the hills? The answer: Asking him directly is much better than trying to somehow assess what he is thinking! The very simple answer to your question is to talk to him: ask, matter-of-factly what he pictures in terms of a relationship right now. If he is at a place in his life where he knows what he wants, he will directly answer questions about marriage and kids without getting scared away in the least. Now, there are a few more elements to your question that make the “simple answer” one that you should pause on for a minute before asking. You say you don’t want to “waste” more time on casual relationships, which suggests that you have a sense of urgency to change your situation. I would ask yourself sincerely whether you feel that you are in fact at a stage in your life where you actually want to have a more significant relationship, or if you are being driven by wanting something (anything) that is the opposite of the life you have been living. It may sound like semantics, but it is an important question to clarify in your mind. Secondly, you seem to already have some valuable insight that is helping you to answer your question: you say that the relationship doesn’t seem to be too serious, and that it also doesn’t seem that it will become that way. I would pay attention to the pieces of information that are leading you to feel this way. I would trust the feelings that you are having, as they are likely coming from a range of sources (both what he is or has conveyed verbally, and his actions). It is human nature to want to try to impose an ideal picture of what you would like to see in a relationship (while ignoring some other clear signs that give you the opposite message). Although things could certainly change, the feelings that you are having right now are probably an important sign of something important you are picking up on, so don’t ignore these. You sound like a driven individual and I wonder if you view your personal life similar to the way you have viewed your work life (i.e., set a goal and then tick off achieving it). It may be that you need to consider the way you are approaching your relationship goals and perhaps take a slightly different strategy, as there is a strong return on investment for you to be devote time into finding the right partner for you (this is not, contrary to your current feeling, a “waste” of time in the least). And, it may sound cliché, but the right partner for you will not be scared off by candid questions about their picture for a long-term relationship. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  The Effects of Chronic Sleep Deprivation: Why We Shouldn’t Run a Sleep Debt
Most of us have probably heard the saying, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” This phrase is typically used by those who are living busy lives and are proud of themselves for continuing to hustle. They often prioritize getting ahead in life over the detrimental effects of lack of sleep. Sometimes this phrase is turned into a word of advice, “You can sleep when you’re dead” – but this type of advice could actually be deadly. Here we are going to discuss the effects of chronic sleep deprivation. Many of us think we can get away with less and less sleep – and we certainly can, for a few days or even a few weeks. However, when we go extended periods without catching up on our sleep, there’s a detrimental impact on our physical and emotional health. Sleep is an essential part of our ability to function. During sleep, our body physiologically heals itself and restores its chemical and hormonal balance. Our brain forges new connections and this helps with memory retention. Sleep isn’t a luxury and each time we don’t get enough sleep we are racking up our sleep debt. What is sleep debt? Sleep debt, or chronically running a sleep deficit, is the cumulative effect of not getting enough sleep. People often use the phrase sleep debt to make a comparison to banking. When we don’t get enough sleep, our sleep account becomes overdrawn and we’re required to attempt to make it up. The more sleep debt we accumulate, the more challenging it becomes to repay. According to one study, it can take four days to fully recover from one hour of lost sleep. Making up sleep debt Unfortunately, even though we often refer to it as sleep debt, sleep doesn’t actually work as a bank does. We aren’t able to store up sleep surplus in anticipation of getting less sleep, and we are unable to make up sleep debt indefinitely. https://youtu.be/a-h9Vv5kD0s How to Manage Sleep Debt So, what’s the best way of managing sleep debt? When it comes to our health, prevention is always the best method. So, we should all be aiming for 6 to 9 hours of sleep a night – most nights. We can achieve this by engaging in good sleep hygiene and having a consistent sleep routine. If we’re getting a less-than-ideal number of hours of sleep, we generally shouldn’t go more than a few days without allowing ourselves to ‘catch-up’. What does catching up look like? We allow ourselves a night or two to sleep as much as we need – which should be achieved by getting into bed earlier than usual (rather than excessively sleeping in). One of the important aspects of sleep hygiene is having a consistent sleep schedule in terms of wake and bedtime – and yes, even on the weekends. If we consistently wrack up a small sleep debt over the week and attempt to repay it over the weekend it affects our sleep rhythm. For example, if we work M-F, and sleep in on Saturday and Sunday – this makes it more challenging to go to bed at the appropriate time Sunday. It will also likely affect how we feel when we wake up Monday – and this can lead to a snowball effect in terms of negatively impacting our sleep cycle. The variability in sleep and wake times is less concerning if you aren’t encountering any sleep problems. But, if insomnia or other sleep conditions are at play – being super rigid with sleep schedule is critical as sleep cycle changes can worsen issues. Final Thoughts If you follow the sleep hygiene principles and sleep problems continue, it may be helpful to talk to your doctor. If sleep problems persist, there may be something contributing to your inability to get enough sleep. Cognitive-behavioural treatment (CBT) is one of the most effective treatments for sleep problems. Consider seeing a registered mental health provider to help manage sleep difficulties and support implementing good sleep hygiene principles. Book a consultation with the Psychological Health and Safety Clinic today if you'd like to explore this option. By Dr. Melanie Badali, R. Psych.  A new year is upon us once again and people are talking about New Year’s resolutions. Some people get excited about the beauty of a new beginning, while others can’t be bothered because they’ve been burned in the past. Either way, a new year is a good time for a fresh perspective. Here, Dr. Melanie Badali will discuss gaining a new perspective on anxiety this year.
The definition of a resolution is, “A firm decision to do or not to do something.” This year, I’ve decided to focus on opportunities and face my fears. It seems obvious that given the choice between focusing on the opportunities versus focusing on the threats in life, most people will choose to focus on the opportunities. Unfortunately, it’s harder to do than it may sound. When we feel anxious, our thoughts may automatically shift to focus on potential threats. When we pay attention to potential threats, we may feel more anxious. Do you see how we can get stuck in a spiral of anxiety? New Perspective on Anxiety: How Do We Manage the Spiral of Anxiety? The trick is in the do. When our anxious thoughts and emotions dictate our actions, managing our anxiety can become harder. As uncomfortable as it may seem, sometimes we have to act the opposite of how we feel. Paradoxically, the things we may do to decrease our anxiety in the short term can fuel our anxiety, making it worse for us in the long run (for example, avoiding a difficult conversation in the short-term will likely only increase anxiety in the long-term). By facing our fears and doing what scares us, we can learn that the fear is unfounded or that we are able to cope with the feared outcome. How do we gain this new perspective on anxiety and make a change in our lives? The key is to figure out if we’re doing or avoiding something out of preference (we don’t actually like it), or if we’re avoiding it because we feel anxious. Ask yourself the following question: If I knew for sure (insert fear here) _________________________, was not going to happen, what would I do? For example:
Are you missing out on opportunities? To help you identify the situations that you typically avoid, here’s an exercise from the Anxiety Canada website. Try to come up with as many answers as possible to the following questions: If you woke up tomorrow morning and all your anxiety had magically disappeared;
Finish the following sentences:
Anxiety can feel very uncomfortable, so it’s not unusual to want that feeling to stop. Remember anxiety is normal, it isn’t dangerous, it can actually be helpful, and it won’t last forever. Knowing this can help you act bravely. Brave is a new perspective on anxiety. Dr. Melanie has given some extra tips on how to enter the new year bravely, read that blog post here. PERSPECTIVE ON ANXIETY: 5 FACTS
“Anxiety is a problem when your body reacts as if there is danger when there is no real danger. It’s like having an overly sensitive smoke alarm system in your body!” By Kristin Bower, leadership and workplace consultant with MyWorkplaceHealth  Some of us love everything about the holiday season – cookies, music, gifts! And some of us have a harder time with it all, even at the best of times. Perhaps you are grieving the loss of a loved one or find yourself alone in a new city. Or maybe you just don’t like all the commercialism that can come with this time of year. Regardless of what is happening in each of our individual lives, the holiday season can often pose unique challenges for us. So, we put together some tips on how to manage your mental health during the holidays.
How to Manage Your Mental Health During the Holidays Here are six tips to help you enjoy the holiday season while minimizing the negative impact on your mental health:
Final Thoughts Try to find gratitude in the things we do have, find creative solutions to our traditions or make new ones, and stay in the moment. Adapted from Kristin Bower’s Original Article on MyWorkplaceHealth.com Kristin Bower is a Leadership and Workplace Consultant with MyWorkplaceHealth and an award-winning Diversity and Inclusion expert. With over 20-years of experience, she is an outspoken advocate for a deeper awareness of mental health issues and is committed to helping organizations foster psychologically safe and healthy workplaces. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My family loves the holidays. But last year, my mother passed away around this time, which was an incredibly sad time for everyone. I took it especially hard. Now that it’s a year later, there’s a weird feeling in the air, for me at least, that the holidays won’t be the same ever again. My husband and two daughters are usually a very festive family, but I’m worried I’ll forever associate her death with the holidays. I don’t want to be a drag. How can I grieve for and remember my mother, without depressing the spirit of the season? The answer: My sincere condolences on the loss of your mother. Nine years ago my father died – unexpectedly and at a very young age – around this time of the year, so I can understand how difficult this is not only from a professional perspective, but also from a personal one. The death of someone dear to us takes a huge toll on the happiness and joy we may usually experience around the holidays. I can promise you it won’t always feel as hard as it does this year. You will always think of and remember your mom, and miss her presence, but you won’t always feel the depth of sadness that you are right now. The year of “firsts” is always the most difficult: the first birthdays, the first Mother’s Day – and the first holiday season. Give yourself permission to be easy on yourself this year. Two things I would suggest: First, have an open and candid discussion with your husband and your daughters. This conversation should be age-appropriate, given the developmental stage your girls are at. Be honest. Let them know that you know how much your family loves the holidays, but this year you are feeling sad and not in a very celebratory mood. Be candid in conveying that you want them to have fun, but you want things to be a little lower key than usual. You may be surprised to learn that they also feel awkward about how to approach the season and may welcome you speaking openly about this, particularly if they have observed the impact your mother’s death has had on you over the past year. Second: Find a way to honour and incorporate the memory of your mother in the season’s celebrations. Involve your girls in this discussion. Ask them how they think Grandma would like to be remembered, and what things you could do as a family to remember her. You could light a candle; pull out some of her favourite Christmas decorations; go to a place or engage in an activity she loved; or visit her grave or a place where you have shared positive memories with her. Often a big factor that holds us back from wanting to celebrate after a loved one passes relates to guilt – guilt at being happy when our loved one is no longer here. We may feel like we don’t have the right to celebrate when their life has ended, or somehow feel that we are betraying their memory if we are having fun. Know that none of these things are true. Enjoying and celebrating the present, with your family who is with you, in no way negates the love you’ve had for your mother. The best way to honour the memories of those we have lost is to maximize our enjoyment of our loved ones while they are alive. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I divorced my wife earlier this year. We had been married nine years and have two young children, but it just wasn’t working out. We agreed she gets to have the children this Christmas. But there’s honestly nothing I loved more than Christmas morning with my children. I’m not looking forward to Dec. 25 any more. I don’t know how to get over missing them – and how can I even start a new tradition if I’m alone? The answer: A divorce, particularly when children are involved, can be one of the hardest life experiences to deal with. Certain times of the years (holidays, birthdays) amplify the pain that comes along with not having your once-intact family configuration. Your goal should not be to get over missing them (as that is a normal reaction from a loving parent) but rather to find a “new normal.” This won’t happen immediately, and having that expectation will only make the situation harder. So first: Accept that this will be a difficult year, and you will likely feel sad and miss your kids – but it will get better with time (it may sound clichéd, but time does always heal). Missing your kids – and the sadness and loneliness that comes along with that – is not an emotion to shove away. Our emotions are a signal to our brain and body that we are experiencing something that impacts an important part of our life and what we value. Those emotions validate that how much your kids mean to you, how much family means to you, and that you wish the situation to be different. All too often we want to shove away our negative emotional states. But that rarely turns out well, as emotions often rear their heads later on. So allow yourself – give yourself permission – to experience the sadness this year. Our emotions also provide us with the motivation to take some kind of action, to do something differently. You said that you and your wife agreed that she gets to have the children this Christmas. Could you have an honest conversation with her about how you are feeling? Let her know that your intent is not to renege on your agreement, but you didn’t realize how sad you’d feel about not seeing the kids this year. Ask her if there is some compromise the two of you could come to: Maybe you could have some time with them in the afternoon or evening? Let her know that you will be flexible with her time with them when it comes to next Christmas. If this is unacceptable to her for whatever reason, perhaps you could find a way to speak to them by phone or Skype during the day? Or, choose another day to be your family Christmas day – Dec. 25 is just an arbitrary day, after all. For example, if the kids are with you on Boxing Day, you could celebrate Christmas that date instead. I would encourage you to be proactive in planning how you will spend your time on Christmas. You may have a natural urge to withdraw and isolate yourself, but that will just amplify your low mood. Even though you may not feel like it at all, there is tremendous value in being around people you love and care about to help you through this first Christmas. At the very least, make plans with other family and friends. You’ll feel much better for it. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m extremely shy and worried about the upcoming holiday season and all the socializing that comes with it. Usually I skip most events but this year I can’t get out of the work holiday party. How do I cope? The answer: Such social events can be a tremendous source of stress if you tend to be shy or introverted. So know that you are not alone in feeling this way. Although the natural urge is to skip events that create anxiety, avoidance of these situations counter-intuitively makes anxiety worse in the long-term (even though it can work to reduce the anxiety in the short-term). Avoiding things that feel uncomfortable tricks our mind into thinking that there is something harmful or dangerous about the situation, which is usually not the case. Rest assured that there are a number of things you can do to help make the evening go more smoothly. First, ask yourself what specifically are you nervous about? For most people a significant source of stress relates to making “small talk” with people, particularly those they don’t know well. People like to talk about themselves, so a good strategy is to go to the party prepared with questions you can ask others (this can help take the spotlight off of you). You could have questions prepared such as “I don’t know much about what you do in the company; tell me a bit about your position.” Ask what others have planned for the holidays. If they have kids, ask about their children. Worrying about “looking” anxious can be another source of anxiety. It can feel difficult to look calm when you are at an event you wish you could leave. Be mindful of making eye contact with others. Smile. Ensure good posture with your shoulders back and head up. Positioning your body and doing things that make you look more confident can help you feel more confident. Hold a glass in your hand (with water or a non-alcoholic beverage) and take a sip if there is a break in the conversation. This can help a pause feel more natural, and can also give your hands something to do. Although it can be tempting to rely on alcohol as it seems to help with tension and anxiety, ensure your alcohol intake is moderate. If guests are allowed, take a partner or close friend with you, or, if you can, make plans to attend with a colleague that you know well. A person you are comfortable with can help serve as a buffer and lessen your anxiety. For more tips, consider The Shyness & Social Anxiety Workbook, by Martin M. Anthony and Richard P. Swinson. It provides step-by-step techniques to manage anxiety in social situations using proven cognitive-behavioural principles. Finally, feel free to arrive late and leave the party early – there’s no rule that says you have to stay the entire time. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’ve been in a relationship for many years with the same guy. I love him, but I’ve recently discovered I might be more attracted to members of the same sex. Should I tell him? Should I end it? Is there something psychologically wrong with me? The answer: First and foremost, there is absolutely nothing that is psychologically wrong with you for having questions about your sexual orientation. Sexual orientation refers to one’s sense of personal and social identity based on emotional, romantic or sexual attraction (to one or both sexes), the behaviours that are expressed as a result, and membership in a community of those who share that orientation (according to the American Psychological Association, 2008). One’s true sense of sexual orientation is not a choice – and can occur on a range, falling in one of three main categorizations: heterosexual (attracted to members of the opposite sex), homosexual (attracted to members of the same sex), and bisexual (attracted to members of the both sexes). Population survey data suggest that approximately 1 per cent of Canadians identify themselves as homosexual, and approximately 1 per cent identify themselves as bisexual. It certainly is not uncommon to love someone in a heterosexual relationship, yet find yourself attracted to members of the same sex. Questions about your orientation do not negate your love for your partner – but may impact the direction of your current and future relationships take. It would be important for you to explore issues around your sexual orientation further before you make any impulsive decisions about your relationship. If you feel that your partner is someone you could talk to openly, and without judgment, you could certainly gently raise the issue with him. You could assure him that you love him, and that you want to be completely open and honest with him so want to let him know that you have started to question whether you are more attracted to females. It is also perfectly appropriate for you to start to get some clarity on your own before you decide how to approach speaking with him, as this may be a difficult and emotional conversation to have. Confiding in a close friend may be a way to start talking about it and navigate your feelings. There are also a range of community agencies and professionals that specialize in issues around sexual orientation. You may want to explore some of these resources. Questioning your sexual orientation and making changes in your life (and communicating to loved ones about this) may be a difficult journey, and so I would encourage you to try to take care of yourself emotionally, and ensure that you have a strong community and support network to help you navigate through the coming weeks, months, and years. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My boyfriend is in therapy, which I encouraged him to do. But sometimes I worry about the psychologist saying disparaging things about our relationship. Would a professional do this or am I being paranoid? The answer: One of the most important roles for a competent psychologist is to be objective, neutral, and balanced in terms of their perspectives on their patient’s life situations. That said, psychologists – like any other individual in any profession – range in terms of their skills, efficacy and approach. So the answer is that a competent and ethical psychologist should not be making inappropriate judgmental comments to your boyfriend. But, like any other profession, there is always the small chance that a professional may be acting in a non-professional manner. One’s relationship is often a very appropriate area for discussion in a therapeutic relationship, so chances are good that your relationship has been discussed in some capacity. The more important question is what other worries you may be having about your relationship. To me, it sounds like you are concerned that your boyfriend may be bringing up these issues in therapy and that the psychologist may be commenting on them. My best advice would be to have a straightforward and open conversation with your boyfriend. Remain respectful of the fact that your boyfriend may – very appropriately and understandably – not want to talk about any details of his therapy with you. Instead, the goal of putting your concern on the table is to initiate a discussion about any areas of your relationship that you or your boyfriend think could be improved upon. Ask him openly how he thinks things are going in your relationship, and if there are areas that he thinks need to be improved upon. Share your perspective and identify what you see as strengths and weaknesses. Take a positive, problem-solving approach where you work toward thinking about ways that you could both improve any areas that are less than ideal from one or both of your perspectives. Try to not get defensive when you have this conversation. Remember that all relationships have challenges, and that the stronger couples speak openly about areas of weakness and proactively work on them. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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