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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My common-law partner and I have both had previous marriages. I’ve always wanted to marry again, but he refuses to even speak about the possibility. He pulls away emotionally and physically each time I’ve asked. Why can’t he get over the past and start fresh with me? I’m ready to be a wife again. The answer: For all of us, what we value and want in life is shaped significantly by our past experiences. Our history makes us who we are and – right or wrong – has a bearing on the future decisions we make. There’s no area in which this applies more than in our relationships. Humans are, to the core, social beings. We want, need and thrive from our social connections. Family, friends and intimate relationships are all important, yet distinct elements in the social network that surrounds us. Of our varied connections, intimate relationships are perhaps the most complex, confusing and crazy-making. These are also the relationships that have the potential to bring us an immense happiness and joy. Unfortunately, today’s relationships are more complex (for a range of societal reasons) than the relationships of decades ago. People are much more likely to see divorce as an acceptable option to a failing relationship; both men and women are waiting longer to get married; women are willfully not having children; and many choose co-habitation in the absence of legally being married. I don’t see your biggest issue as being the difference in value you and your partner place on the legal institution of marriage. Many couples are able to come to a mutually acceptable decision to agree to disagree on important relationship points. The bigger issue is the manner in which the two of you are communicating – or not communicating – about these differences. You make the assumption that his disinterest with marriage is reflective of his inability to get over his past. There is a good chance that this is a faulty interpretation. Have you tried to ask him about his reasons for not wanting to get married? Perhaps his experience was that the legal entity of marriage offered no added value to his past relationship? Perhaps it added financial and logistical complexity that he does not want to deal with again in your current situation? Perhaps he perceived marriage as having a constraining, negative and destructive influence on his relationship? Conversely, does he understand (and have you been able to fully articulate) the reasons you want to get married again? Do you feel that marriage would offer you a commitment and stability that isn’t currently in your relationship? Ask yourself if there are things he can do or say that would provide you the key elements you think marriage would offer. It could be that the bigger issue is not the difference of opinions on marriage, but other fundamental difficulties in your relationship that need to be solved. I would encourage you to have an open conversation about your positions on marriage. You both need to truly understand each other’s perspectives and ensure you have the same long-term vision of your relationship for it to work. Remember that getting married is no guarantee that the relationship will be a fulfilling or lasting one – similarity and respect for your individual and joint values and goals are. Ultimately the issue of marriage may become a deal-breaker for one of you, but try to be open to the idea that you can both have what you want in a relationship in the absence of it. Who knows, open conversation may even result in one of you making a willful shift in your ideals. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My parents have never emotionally supported me and see me as a disappointment because I am divorced, yet I feel a responsibility to maintain regular contact and be there to help them with whatever they need (attending medical appointments, booking their travel). I’m 44 years old, live my life according to good values and am a mom myself, so why do I constantly take the role of unassertive doormat in my family? The answer: The interesting thing about families is that we might not always like them, but we often have a love for them that supersedes all else. Unfortunately, we don’t choose our family, yet are stuck with them for the long haul, warts and all. It still never ceases to amaze me how, despite being adults, virtually all of us (myself included) tend to play out the dynamics and roles in our families that we adopted when we were children. My role, for example – which continues through to this day – was to be “the mature, responsible one,” and behaviours that were tolerated among my younger siblings were (and are) completely unacceptable coming from me. As children, regardless of age, most of us have a strong need to be accepted by our parents. We want them to unconditionally love and accept us, and we want to make them proud. Unfortunately, we often have little control over how our parents, or any other person in our life for that matter, view us. We can, however, actively do things to buffer the impact that our parents’ potentially negative views have on us. There’s a quote from self-help author Dr. Wayne Dyer that I love: “What other people think of me is none of my business.” The only thing you can do is live your life in a way that stays consistent with your values, with no regrets. You sound like a values-driven person who places strong emphasis on taking responsibility for your parents. It sounds important to you to do things to help them, in spite of not receiving their recognition or appreciation. The reality is that your parents won’t always be here. Don’t compromise what you value – providing them with support when needed – out of anger or spite. Continue to be the bigger person. The best advice I have is to do what you do for them without expectation. Often we feel disappointed in others because we expect them to respond differently than how our past experience tell us they’ll react. Strike a balance between your needs and theirs. Be mindful of not bending over backward at the expense of other things you want to do in your life. It may be that you always have been at their beck and call, so therefore they expect you to always be so. Do not feel that you always have to immediately respond to their requests. Adding in a delay to requests may make them appreciate what you do for them more than they currently do. Finally, choose to have friends and others in your life that provide you with the emotional support that you need. The social supports that we have around us provide the best buffer against other less than ideal relationships in our life. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  How to be a Great Listener: Tips on Strengthening Relationships
Have you ever struggled with effectively communicating in a relationship? Do you often feel others aren’t listening well to you? Well – one of the best things we can do when we feel someone in our life isn’t listening to us well, is to focus on being a better listener toward them. Communication in our relationships is everything – and unfortunately, most of us aren’t ever formally taught how to communicate in an effective way. One of the key components of being a good communicator is being a good listener – and I’ve got 7 tips that can help! I encourage you to think about which tips you are great at, and which you could maybe tweak up a bit How to Be a Great Listener
Final Thoughts Social relationships are an important part of our lives as humans are social beings. One of the most important aspects of maintaining strong relationships is effective communication. Many people have difficulties with communication because they forget about the importance of active listening. Follow these tips to strengthen your relationships and reap the benefits of enhanced connection! By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m finally back at work after taking most of the summer off – I took relaxing very literally. But now reality is setting in at the office and I’m completely unmotivated to do real work. How can I get myself back on track after such a long break? The answer: Ahh the joys of summer – sun, relaxation and reduced workload. My first reaction is envy. I want to know what you do for a living as I want that job that gives me the summer off! For all of us, getting back into the flow of regular life and work responsibilities after any extended break can be tough. As humans we are innately hedonistic and naturally gravitate toward things that feel pleasurable, enjoyable, and evoke a positive emotional state. We are also master acclimatizers. We physiologically and behaviourally adjust to whatever environment we are placed in. This is true for both relaxing situations or intense work situations. The changes can be subtle and happen without any conscious awareness. They are multi-factorial, impacting our general mood state and our levels of energy, attention and focus. And they often occur gradually. I find it can take me a few days into a vacation (or longer if I’ve been in a very intense work situation) to subjectively start to feel “zenned out”. I end up sleeping way more than is usual (or needed), maybe even napping. I definitely don’t feel as sharp mentally as I do when I’m in work mode. Depending on the length of your holiday, it may take from a few days to a few weeks to make the full transition out of vacation mode. Your lack of motivation is likely much more attributable to the lower energy level and reduced focus you had during your vacation than it is to anything else. I’m going to make the assumption that you are not independently wealthy and work out of necessity, choice, or both. It can be easy (especially on the heels of an extended vacation) to get stuck in the trap of ruminating on the reasons you have to work. Not only does this type of thinking do nothing to change the situation, but it breeds negative emotions. Shifting your focus to the choice elements can help you feel more engaged, more quickly. Remind yourself why you are doing the work that you do. Putting pen to paper can be useful. Ask yourself, why did you choose the job you are in? What do you love most about it? How does it contribute to your sense of meaning and purpose? How does your job allow you to achieve your personal and financial goals? And, perhaps most importantly, where and when is the next vacation your job is going to allow you to take? If you find the feeling of low motivation persists, it may be a sign that you need to think seriously about whether the job or career you are in is a good fit for you and is truly making you happy. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My father overworks himself because he was laid off a number of years ago and he hasn’t made as much money, or pension, since then. He feels like he needs to work six days a week, and take any overtime offered by his current job, to make as much money as he can before retiring in a few years. But I see how tired and quiet the long days are making him, and he is becoming a wreck behind the wheel, driving too slowly and missing familiar turns in traffic. How can I get him to recognize that his health is more important than work? The answer: It can be upsetting to watch your father overwork himself at an age when you would hope he has the luxury to slow down and relax in anticipation of enjoying his upcoming retirement years. It’s interesting how difficult it can be to cope with a transition in roles: as our parents get older, as children we end up inevitably being placed into the caretaking/protective roles our parents once served for us. There are two distinct issues – your father’s decision (albeit not necessarily by voluntary choice) to work an inordinate number of hours to plan for his future, and the possible safety risks posed to both himself and others on the road. It can be helpful to parcel these two issues out and address them separately. Confounding them will probably lead to frustration for both of you, and may place your father in a defensive position. Try to understand where your dad is coming from. It can feel awful to be in a position where you are uncertain about your future, particularly as we age. Your father is probably worried and anxious about the future, as well as frustrated or even anger at himself or his past circumstances. The reality is he may well need to be working the level he is to have a future that he once imagined. During a time when you are both feeling relaxed, start a conversation with your dad about his future. Talk generally about what his hopes and dreams are for retirement. This may help you get a picture of what he is working toward. Then gently inquire about whether the means he is currently adopting (i.e., hours worked) are necessary to achieve those goals. Offer to help him with his planning – you may suggest that he may find it helpful to sit down with a financial advisor who can help him map out his plans in more detail. Keep the conversation light and supportive, and be mindful that he probably will have a lot of pride around these issues. In a separate conversation, express your concerns about his health. Describe what you are seeing – be specific and objective (for example, have you directly observed his driving difficulties?). Tell him directly how you feel – that you are worried and want to see him as healthy as possible. Ask if there are things that you can do that may help. Offer to go to his family physician with him to talk about possible causes and contributions. It’s amazing how often parents – or any family member for that matter – will be more willing to heed the advice from a professional. If he is resistant, and you have concerns about his driving, you have an obligation to inform his family doctor. Consent issues do you not apply here – meaning that if you have some concern of risk, it is in your right to call his physician (the doctor cannot release any information back to you without your father’s consent). You can’t magically get your father to value his health more than work, but you can guide him toward possible solutions that improve his situation, and most importantly make it safe for him and others around him. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I just had a baby and despite support from my husband and family, I feel completely overwhelmed. My doctor says these “baby blues” are normal. Are they? The answer: Having a baby falls at the top of the list when it comes to major life stressors, and feeling completely overwhelmed after the birth of a baby is so very common. So rest assured that you are not alone in how you are feeling. Many women will feel low, down, sad or tearful after the birth of a baby. Up to three quarters of women will experience these “baby blues” that typically last a few days to a few weeks. This is a very normal response to a significant life change which does resolve over time. This can feel highly confusing and upsetting to moms, though, as feeling low seems to be so at odds with the joy and happiness that one expects should be associated with having a baby. The baby blues are attributable to a number of factors. First, there are significant hormonal changes that occur in the days following delivery (progesterone levels decrease significantly to allow milk production to begin). There is an adrenaline crash following birth. This, combined with sleep deprivation very understandably leads to changes in mood. In addition, the reality of having a baby and having full responsibility for another life can feel overwhelming and anxiety provoking. But these are very normal feelings and they will resolve. Speak to your nurse, midwife or family doctor. Attend a parenting group where you can get the support of other new moms, or speak to a trusted friend or family member that already has had a child. The majority of women will start to find their mood improves within a few days or weeks, as they start to get more sleep and as hormonal changes start to regulate. About 10 per cent of women, however, will go on to develop post-partum depression, which refers to clinical levels of depression following the birth of a baby. If you are experiencing pervasive sadness or loss of interest in your usual activities for more than a month after your baby’s birth, more often than not, and this is also associated with changes in your appetite, recurrent crying episodes, and anxiety or irritability, seek help. Speak to a health professional such as your nurse, midwife, or family doctor. A referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist may help. There are a number of risk factors that can increase the likelihood of post-partum depression: a family history of depression; your own previous history of depression; and lack of social supports. If at any point you consider harming yourself or your baby, seek immediate help by calling 911. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. The question:
Lately my sleep has been terrible. Sometimes I have trouble falling asleep, and other times I wake up around 4 AM and can’t get back to sleep. What’s going on? The answer: First of all, you’re not the only one struggling with this. Up to one-third of the population has chronic sleep problems, which can include trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, and waking up too early. Here are some tips to help you get a better night’s rest: Schedule “worry time” Worries – about work, relationships, finances – can contribute to difficulty falling asleep, or can wake you up in the middle night. Unfortunately, just trying to force yourself to “stop thinking” does not work very well. It can be helpful to schedule a dedicated time to worry, 15 to 20 minutes, one to two hours before getting into bed. Find a quiet space, out of your bedroom. During your “worry time,” write down all the worries you have that day. Ask yourself “What can I do about this now?” Take a solution-focused approach. If there is something to be done immediately, do it. If not, schedule a time for the next day or later in the week. Set a regular schedule It’s more important to establish a fixed wake-up time than a regular bedtime. We can control what time we wake up, but we can’t make ourselves fall asleep. If you are having sleep problems, eliminate daytime naps as these decrease the restorative value – or quality – of your sleep at night. Reduce sleep-interfering activities In the several hours before bedtime, you should reduce (and ideally eliminate) caffeine, alcohol and tobacco use, and avoid strenuous exercise. Use your bed for two activities only – sleep and sex (no watching TV or working on your laptop in bed!). Make your bedroom sleep-inducing Create a pleasant environment for sleep. Get a comfortable pillow. Use blinds or heavy curtains to create a dark room. Turn off phone ringers. Make “going to bed” a soothing experience Set a pre-sleep routine that you follow each night, as this signals to your brain and body that it’s time to quiet down. This may include some form of meditation or relaxation, a warm bath or herbal tea. Get yourself ready for the next day, dim the lights and then mentally “put away” any ongoing problems or upcoming tasks. Get out of bed if you can’t sleep. Don’t get into bed unless you are sleepy. If you have trouble falling asleep within about 20 minutes (or wake and can not go back to sleep) stay out of bed until you feel sleepy. Remember, don’t do anything stimulating when you get out of bed. Challenge worries about sleep You may be kept awake by worries about not being able to sleep, or about the effect of a poor night’s sleep. Move your clock out of sight so that you are not “clock-watching.” Remind yourself that you can make it through a day even if you have had little sleep. It can be tempting to rely on medications (prescription or over-the-counter) for sleep but these are a short-term solution only and guidelines do not recommend their use for longer than one to two weeks at most. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My friend just had her first baby. I told her to call if she needs anything, but we haven’t been in touch much lately. Should I keep approaching her in case she really does need help, or give her some space and trust she’ll contact me when the time is right? I don’t have children, so I’m not really sure what to do. The answer: As the only childless friend among a group of women who have all had their first rugrats pop out over the last year, I get the feeling of helplessness that comes along with not knowing quite what to do. My simple answer: Ask her what she needs from you. Having a baby – particularly the first one – is a huge life transition. It can feel overwhelming, and it often takes months for first-time moms to adjust to their new life and schedule. Adjusting to her newfound role of being completely responsible for another person’s life is a huge transition. Learning all the intricacies associated with parenthood, not to mention the inevitable challenges of feedings and multiple diaper and outfit changes, can fill the days in a way that most moms never expect or predict. All of this is compounded by a level of sleep deprivation that most women haven’t before experienced. If your friend is like most moms, a combination of all of the above is likely responsible for the reduced contact you have had from her. I confess, I never fully appreciated the demands until I saw some of my own (highly competent, high-functioning, multitasking) friends repeatedly describe how they have no idea where the days go the first few months after giving birth. I had to tell myself the reduced contact was not at all personal, and instead a side effect of them being thrown into a 24/7 job that comes with no orientation manual! The first month post-birth is particularly challenging. Most moms will experience the “baby blues” which, in addition to low mood, can include a feeling of emptiness or flatness. Withdrawal from others is a natural response within these early days and weeks. On a positive note, the overwhelming majority of mothers will find their mood improves within the first month, once the myriad hormonal changes that occur postpartum stabilize. If she’s like many new moms, she may not even have a sense of the infrequency of your contact. (Think of times when you have been extremely busy or preoccupied with something that takes most of your attention, and how you lose sense of how fast time has gone). Strike a balance between maintaining regular contact with her (so that she knows you are there for her) with letting her have space to adjust and grow. In our current day and age, e-mailing and texting is a great way to stay in regular contact. In your communication with her, try to not add to her present burden. Instead, validate how challenging things may be feeling (“Thinking of you, let me know if there’s anything I can do”). If you have any reason to suspect that she is significantly struggling with persistently low or depressed mood, reach out to her more strongly than you may otherwise (about 1 in 10 women will develop clinically significant levels of depression). Social support is tremendously important and serves as one of the best buffers against chronic mood issues. Let her know you are concerned about her and want to help. If you have significant concern, speak to her partner or a family member that can help. If there is ever any concern about her risk to herself or to her baby, immediately call 911. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Recently, I heard a variant of the “don’t let a few seconds ruin your day” message that really resonated with me – it was about not letting 5 minutes ruin or taint the rest of your day. Now the message isn’t a new one, and it’s one I regularly teach – but something about this really clicked. I think it’s because I realized the day-to-day frustrations that have the potential to impact me do in actuality take up more than just a few seconds: a frustrating interaction with someone, a conversation about something upsetting, even spilling something on yourself as you head out the door already late. I think (most days!) I’m calm enough that it’s not just something that happens for a few seconds that has the potential to ruin my day – it’s something that takes up a decently substantive amount of bandwidth…up to 5 minutes.
This past week, I challenged myself to reflect on the power I gave 5 minutes. I had a frustrating interaction regarding an ongoing issue with a toxic family member – someone who has by all objective indices behaved and spoken in highly offensive and disrespectful ways, on many occasions, over the course of now several years. Unfortunately – as with many of our extended family members, simply removing them from our immediate presence doesn’t eliminate the insidious impact they can continue to have through their words and statements, and this individual’s behaviour continues to be tolerated, reinforced and enabled by others – and the ripple effect on my immediate family unit (my hubby and I) continues. I found myself, after another (new) trigger this past week, ruminating & repeating the multi-year history with this individual in my mind. While working, while cleaning the house, while eating – both inside my own head, and in my conversations with my other half. I then caught myself – I was allowing the 5 minutes of the new trigger to impact my entire day (‘days’ plural, in fact). The trigger was a new one – but it’s not the trigger that kept the momentum going. It was my repetition of all the litany of past things this individual has said and done, and the associated hopeless realization that I have zero ability to change it – and that the people who do have control have little to no interest in working to resolve or repair the situation. And so although the (5 minute) trigger, via a third party, was something I had zero control over – the rest of the hours of bandwidth and energy this person was taking up was only happening as I allowed it. So I made a firm commitment to allow myself to focus on the 5 minute trigger only – and exhausted thinking and venting about it – but vowed to become much more diligent with myself in not allowing the hamster wheel to give any more power than needed. Through the weekend I had to many times catch myself, but it’s amazing the freedom we can have once we can start to gain better, intentional control over where we allow our thoughts to go. This week I invite you to consider the following: Each time an annoying, irritating, frustrating, discouraging thing happens, pause and and ask yourself “how will I choose to let this 5 minutes impact the rest of my day?” By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I think I’m honestly addicted to my Smartphone. Why do I check my work email all the time – even when I’m out with friends? How can I stop? The answer: What a great question! I’m happy to give you some tips. Just give me a minute – a few urgent texts just popped up. Sorry, where were we?! Being continuously distracted by emails, text messages and calls seems to be an unfortunate reality for many of us. There is no question that the changing nature of work – and advances in technology – have had a tremendous impact on our personal lives. The first step is becoming aware of the problem, which you are. Unless we have some recognition of a problem even existing, we can’t change. Before you start to make any dramatic changes, think about why this is bothering you. Articulate your personal reasons for wanting to change, and the consequences of not changing. Write down a list of pros and cons of constantly checking your work emails. How is this affecting your relationships and stress levels? Articulating the negative impacts on your life can help make you feel more committed to changing and can provide you with clear reasons that may serve an important motivating role for you Think about the positives that come along with checking work emails, as you say, “all the time”. Do you find you are actually saving time? Are you receiving positive reinforcement from those you work with and for? The reality is that at some level, off-hours checking of your smart phone probably has some positive benefits. Thinking about the pros can help guide you toward creative solutions. For example, if your daytime workload is lessened by responding to emails during off-hours times, you may find that waking up an hour early to spend dedicated time dealing with emails before the workday begins is much more preferable than having several hours of personal time being intermittently disrupted by work. Here are some additional tips that can help: 1. Speak to your manager or supervisor and negotiate appropriate guidelines for email checking and response times. Remember – very few of us are in professions where immediate responses to emails are required, and often our usage of work emails is driven more by our own expectations and habits than it is by extrinsic expectations put on us. 2. Establish very clear parameters for acceptable email usage – and leverage the support of family and friends to call you on times you are becoming unduly preoccupied with work emails during personal time. 3. Set your smart phone so that email alerts are on silent during off-work hours. Or, better yet, leave your smart phone at home or out of sight when it is personal/social time! Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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