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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I have a close friend I’ve known for 20 years who still can’t control her temper. Once or twice a year she completely loses it – yelling, screaming at me, an adult version of what you expect from a four-year-old’s tantrum. Later she’s ashamed and mortified. What can she do? What can I do? The answer: No matter how hard we wish, we simply do not have the ability to change other people. The only person we have control over is ourselves, and that alone can be difficult to do even in the best of times. So, there are only two things you can do: Monitor – and, more importantly, modify – your responses to your friend’s tantrums, and offer to support her if she wants to make changes. One of two things usually explains the presence of longstanding, ingrained behaviours that have lasted decades; the most likely situation is that your friend’s intermittent outbursts are working for her. Ostensibly, they allow her to communicate her distress to those around her. Likely, her outbursts have the actual effect of modifying the behaviours of those in her environment. But unfortunately, the negative consequences (feeling shame, feeling mortified) haven’t been sufficient in motivating her to make changes to her behaviour. Another less likely, but certainly tenable, possibility is that she truly has wanted to change, but hasn’t found the tools she needs to do it. By tools, I mean alternate strategies to manage and cope with trigger factors, and effective ways to communicate how she is feeling to others. Tantrum-like behaviour, for children and adults alike, is really just communication behaviour. Psychological or substance-use factors can certainly contribute (a personality disorder, or alcohol or drug use), but essentially she is making a decision to act or react in a particular way. Ask yourself: How do you respond to her behaviour? It sounds as though, at some level, you have tolerated her actions. What factors trigger her to react this way to you? What do you do (or not do) after she reacts this way? And, have you given her feedback about the impact on you? What contribution do you make to the situation, if any? I do not ask this in a blaming way, but I want to ensure that you are not engaging in similarly inappropriate behaviour toward her. Assuming that you do not play any significant role in her behaviour, you need to have a very blunt conversation with your friend. Let her know in no uncertain terms that the way she acts is unacceptable, and although you have tolerated it, you will not continue to do so. Let her know that you value her friendship and are prepared to help her develop skills that can better control her anger. Offer to help her understand what her triggers are, and seek professional help from a mental-health professional with expertise in anger-management skills. The Anger Management Sourcebook, by Glenn Schiraldi and Melissa Kerr, offers cognitive-behavioural strategies that teach people to identify personal triggers of anger – and better cope with those feelings. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I am admittedly a moody person – I can go from joyous to grumpy in a matter of hours without any real reasons. My wife recently sat me down and addressed this: she thinks it’s a sign of a mental disorder. Can’t someone just ‘be moody’? Do I really need to see a shrink? The answer: Great question. Changes in mood or emotional states are a normal part of the human experience for all of us. There are very adaptive reasons we experience a range of mood states – both those that feel positive, as well as those that may feel negative. Our emotions serve a motivating function, and they can communicate important things to both ourselves and to others around us about experiences we are dealing with. A number of factors can impact our mood: overall life situations, current stressors, or the amount of sleep we have had, to just name a few. Certainly there are also individual differences in personalities – where some of us tend to be happier or more even-keeled regardless of what is going on around us, others are more susceptible to more frequent shifts in their mood. So, the simple answer is that yes – sometimes people can just “be moody”. That said, frequent changes in mood can sometimes be a sign of a more serious psychological health condition that needs attention (such as a depression, an anxiety disorder, or a personality disorder). Other times, moodiness may warrant attention even if there is no underlying clinical condition. There are a few situations in which seeking some additional assistance may be warranted: 1) If the mood issues are creating some distress or negative impact in terms of your happiness, enjoyment, or overall quality of life; 2) If the mood issues are significant impacting other relationships in your life (e.g., with friends, your partner, or other family); or 3) If the mood issues are impacting your ability to effectively carry out other important responsibilities in your life, such as your ability to do your job or your ability to parent. You describe the changes in terms of extremes – “joyous” to “grumpy” with no reason can be completely normal for most of us on occasion. Now, if these changes are occurring on a regular basis and are consistently unpredictable it may be helpful to understand why. Certainly moods can sometimes change without any real reason, but often there are contributors (such as our stress levels, behaviours, or ways we are thinking) that can be the culprit. I would also pay attention to the fact that your wife is raising this as an issue – irrespective of whether there is or is not any underlying psychological condition, your mood changes seem to be having an impact on the quality of your marital relationship, and it would be helpful to understand why or how this is happening. This doesn’t mean that you are fully to blame, but any time any of our behaviours are impacting our partner it is important to try to work to collectively solve issues in a way that the overall quality of the relationship may be enhanced. Ask your wife how she is impacted by your admitted moodiness, and what you (and she) can both do that may work to improve things for both of you. You may find an initial consultation session with a professional who has expertise in couples/relationship issues may be helpful for both of you. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My colleague received a promotion I thought I should have gotten. Frankly, I’m not impressed with his “work ethic,” but he’s good at playing office politics. How can I get over my disappointment and act civilly around him when I feel he’s dogging it? The answer: Actual or perceived unfairness in the workplace, particularly when it pertains to important outcomes such as a promotion, can have a tremendous impact on your job satisfaction. It is normal to feel disappointed, frustrated and perhaps even angry. What is great is that you seem to have a mature perspective on the situation, and I commend you for wanting to work to overcome your disappointment and also to figure out how to deal civilly with your colleague. I would suggest a few things. First, think about what it is that your colleague did (or didn’t do) that may have contributed to him getting the promotion. As human beings, we tend to enter a state of cognitive constriction when faced with a stressful situation – we paint the entire situation or object of our discontent with broad strokes. This means that you may be very naturally focusing only on your colleague’s negative attributes. Try to articulate the behaviours and approaches that may have contributed to him obtaining the promotion. Writing these down can help bring some objectivity to the situation. Be precise. I don’t mean to negate the impact of his astuteness in playing office politics, but it may be that there were some things that he was doing that truly did enhance his chances at getting the promotion. This information may equip you to know how to approach your position in future, and may lessen the negative emotions you are feeling toward him. Request a meeting with your manager/supervisor or the human resources professional that made the hiring decision. Express that you want to determine what you can do differently and which areas you can improve upon. Indicate that you are committed to your job, and that you would like to move ahead in the company. If it seems appropriate given your relationship with the person you are speaking to, you could respectfully convey that you thought you were a strong candidate for the position. Ask what you could have done that would have helped you land the promotion. Avoid bad-mouthing your colleague. Stay focused on your areas of improvement. Ask for actionable feedback, both positive and negative. Then request a follow-up meeting to evaluate how you are doing. When interacting with your colleague, be very mindful of your internal evaluations about him. It is stunning how powerful our thoughts can be in shaping both our behaviours as well as our emotional reactions to others. For example, if you find you are repeatedly saying things to yourself such as “he’s such a jerk, he didn’t deserve that promotion” when you see him, that will likely shift your demeanour in a more negative direction. Catch those thoughts, and replace them with more objective, non-judgmental ones, such as “I feel strongly that he didn’t deserve the promotion, but he got it and I need to move forward. Rather than focusing on him, I am going to focus on what I can do differently.” This may sound simple, but our thoughts can be very powerful in shifting our mood. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  How to Practice Self-Compassion
We often hear that we need to be kinder and less critical of ourselves, but that’s easier said than done. Often, our self-critical thoughts have been developed over so many years that we hardly even notice them happening anymore. Or, at times, we may believe we need this type of ‘tough love’ in order to motivate ourselves to be better (that we will be ‘soft’ if we are too kind to ourselves). This is untrue. Repeated criticism results in increased levels of cortisol and adrenaline, which leads to the body trying to protect itself by beginning to shut down (e.g., depression). So, it’s important to be aware of those critical voices and challenge them when they come up. Engaging in the practice of challenging those self-critical voices is an act of self-compassion. What is Self-Compassion? Self-compassion is expressing kindness towards oneself, especially during times of pain and suffering. It includes:
There are three elements to self-compassion: 1 - Self-Kindness
2 - Common Humanity
3 - Mindfulness
What’s the difference between self-compassion and self-esteem? Sometimes people equate self-compassion with self-esteem which can make it difficult to believe that one can improve their skills when it comes to self-compassion. So, it’s important to know the difference. Self-esteem is typically used to describe a person’s feeling of self-worth, and while this is important, many people have a challenging time making significant changes to their self-esteem. Self-compassion on the other hand isn’t a judgement of self-worth or rooted in your value, it’s simply the act of treating yourself with kindness, care, and support. These are things you can do independent of self-esteem. Self-compassion offers the same well-being benefits without all the pitfalls such as fewer social comparisons, is less contingent on self-worth, has no association with narcissism, and buffers against negative effects of low self-esteem in adolescents. Self-compassion is also linked to better overall coping and resilience, as well as provides individuals with some of the following benefits:
How to Practice Self-Compassion It’s important to remember that self-compassion is going to take practice – it isn’t something you are going to develop or improve on overnight. That being said, it’s a practice that is worth investing in knowing the numerous benefits for your overall physical and psychological health, wellness and resilience. But how do we start practicing self-compassion? A great place to start is with mindfulness. To be compassionate towards yourself, you need to be mindful of your pain and suffering; recognize it, allow yourself to feel it, and embrace it. Mindfulness is a practice that helps you to become more attuned with your emotions and will help you to more easily identify the moments where self-compassion is needed and where your voice is the most self-critical. Once you’ve begun to recognize your self-critical voice, you can start to practice making changes to it and providing yourself with self-compassion in those moments instead. 6 ways to practice self-compassion:
By Emory Oakley. Emory is a writer and LGBTQ+ educator who regularly discusses the intersections of queer identities and mental health.  The Power of Emotional Vulnerability in Building Relationships
He looks at me and his expression is unclear, not angry but not easily pinned down. In the back of my head, I can’t help but think he’s mad at me. I have no reason to believe he’s upset but my insecurity tells me that eventually, everyone is going to leave. I easily believe they’re going to see the worst side of me and no longer want to be a part of my life. This time, instead of allowing these harmful thoughts to circle through my brain and ruin the evening with my partner, I smile. I ask him for a kiss and to remind me that he loves me. For many people, it’s automatic to attempt to avoid negative or painful emotions. This type of reaction is human nature, we want to avoid things that hurt and that includes our feelings. Although this can be helpful, at times, often it’s important for us to acknowledge and express our feelings. As well as be emotionally vulnerable with ourselves and the people in our lives. In past relationships, I’ve allowed my insecurity to take hold in a way that resulted in pushing them away. My fear of them leaving became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Though over time, and with years of therapy, I was able to acknowledge my feelings and vulnerabilities to myself. Which eventually allowed me to express them to my partner. Now, even though it’s still hard to admit, I can tell my partner when I am hurt, or sad, or feeling insecure and express how together we can manage those feelings to preserve our relationship. Emotional Vulnerability When some people think about emotional vulnerability, they automatically see it as a bad or scary thing but it doesn’t have to be. What is emotional vulnerability? It’s the ability or willingness to acknowledge (and potentially express) one’s emotions. Particularly those emotions that are difficult or painful. Emotions such as shame, sadness, anxiety, insecurity, etc. Though it’s important to note that acknowledging does not mean wallowing or becoming fixated. It has been defined by Brene Brown as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” The Benefits of Emotional Vulnerability One way to convince ourselves to make small changes in our behaviour when it comes to emotional vulnerability is to outline and understand the benefits of doing so. 1 - It strengthens Relationships Vulnerability helps to build trust and intimacy in relationships. Relationships, whether romantic, platonic, or intimate, are built on trust. Being emotionally vulnerable helps a person to build relationships more quickly. 2 - It improves Self-Awareness When you acknowledge your own emotions and are vulnerable with yourself, you learn things about your own behaviours and defence mechanisms. Acknowledgement and understanding is the first step in making change. How to Be More Emotionally Vulnerable Even if you’re convinced that being more emotionally vulnerable is valuable, you may not know where to start or what you can do to become more emotionally vulnerable. And it may feel scary at first. How do we acknowledge our emotions? First, we must observe and label our emotions. Observing our emotions is simply labelling the emotion without thinking about how we act, behave or react to our emotions, or how we think about our emotions. This means simply stating I feel sad right now or I feel angry right now – full stop. Next, we have to validate our emotions. This means reminding ourselves that it’s okay to feel whatever emotion we are feeling even if we don’t want to feel it. Then we practice. Once we are more comfortable with being more emotionally vulnerable with ourselves, we can be more emotionally vulnerable with others. What can we do to practice being emotionally vulnerable? One way to practice being emotionally vulnerable is to write down your feelings (or say them out loud). Writing down your feelings, like in a journalling practice, can help to create a habit of thinking about and articulating your emotions. Another way to practice emotional vulnerability is going to therapy. For many of us, our habits and defence mechanisms, like emotional avoidance, have become so ingrained that it’s easy to completely miss them. A therapist or counsellor is an objective third party who is able to point out these habits and help you to recognize and make changes in these behaviours. How I Learned to Be More Emotionally Vulnerable When I first started seeing a therapist I was even harder on myself than I am now. But I struggled to make any changes in my thinking or behaviour because I failed to notice the bad habits. One of the habits I used to have was continually saying I feel weird. Weird does not mean anything concrete and does not help me to deal with how I am feeling. My therapist continually pointed out when I did this and forced me to accurately articulate my feelings no matter how uncomfortable it made me. This helped me to not only realize how often I was resorting to this bad habit but encouraged me to more accurately describe my feelings. Eventually, I was able to make significant changes in my thinking and gained the tools I needed to better manage my feelings. One of those important tools was to be more emotionally vulnerable with myself and with others. Therapy changed my life. Are you looking to get more support? Check out the counselling services with the Psychological Health & Safety Clinic and sign up for a free consult today. Talking to a professional really can change your life (and it doesn’t have to be scary). By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My friend has been pining over a guy who is stringing her along. It’s been over a year now. How do I convince her it’s time to move on? The answer: Unfortunately, when it comes to matters of the heart, there is very little if anything that any of us can do to “convince” someone to feel (or not feel) a certain way. That said, watching someone you love and care about be in a relationship with someone who is not treating them well, or where they are not getting what they deserve, can be nerve-wracking and frustrating. Remember that your primary role as a friend is to love and unconditionally support her and her decisions. At the same time, be honest about how you feel. You don’t have to pretend that you like the guy she is interested in. If you haven’t already done so, let your friend know that you love her. Describe the type of person you would like to see her with, and communicate why that is important to you (e.g., “you are such a kind and caring person, you deserve to be with a guy who is there for you when you are having a bad day, not someone who takes a week to get back to you”). Let her know that you are there for her and will always support her decisions, but that as her friend you want to also be honest about how you feel. You can be specific about the types of behaviours you see this guy engaging in that worry or concern you. Convey that you understand she cares for this guy. Try not to be overly critical, as bad-mouthing him may alienate your friend, or lead to her feeling that you are criticizing her. Try to understand what it is that is keeping her hooked with this guy: attempt to genuinely understand things from her perspective. Be open to the fact that there are elements of the ‘relationship’ that are working well for her. Ask if she is happy and okay with the situation. If the answer is yes, your job as a friend may be to simply accept her decisions and not judge. If the answer is no, try to understand what is keeping her engaged. Does she feel like she doesn’t deserve any better? Is she insecure? Is she having a hard time meeting other people? If so you may want to try to focus on talking about these things with her, and being a supportive friend that helps her to problem-solve ways to overcome the barriers that keep her in this relationship. Ultimately, though, remember that it remains her decision, and that your role is to support and accept (not necessarily agree with) your friend’s decisions. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My 22-year-old son is dating a girl who his highly dependent on him. He struggles on and off with a marijuana addiction and is trying to get back on his feet. She is seeking therapy for a variety of reasons herself. How do I persuade them that it’s healthier to take some time apart so that they can first sort their own lives out individually. The answer: Find me a land where a parent can convince a 22-year-old of anything – particularly when it comes to their dating life – and then I’ll talk to you about a bridge I’ve got to sell … In all seriousness, you need to first and foremost revise the intended outcome you are wishing for when it comes to talking to your son. You cannot, and will not be able to convince him to do something he doesn’t want to do. If you approach him with a particular agenda front and centre in your mind, you – and most likely he – will both get frustrated, and you may push him further away. As a parent of a young adult, your role is quite simple: to provide love and support, to guide as best as you can, and to be there for him when he falls. I can certainly understand your desire for him to take some time away from his girlfriend who sounds troubled herself so that he can focus on getting himself better. As an objective party, you probably see the relationship as an added stressor to his life. But, you need to bite your tongue on this one. What you need to focus on is providing support and guidance around ways that he can work to get back on his feet. Does he recognize his addiction issues? Has he sought treatment – not only for his use of marijuana, but for the likely depression or anxiety issues that may be accompanying his reliance on the substance? It is clear from the addiction literature that more often than not, addiction issues are masking other more significant underlying emotional issues. Try to speak to him about those issues (if he’s willing to share with you), or guide him toward existing resources in the community. Educating yourself is also important. The Canadian Mental Health Association has national and local offices across the country, and can offer you referrals and resources that may assist. Here to Help is a fantastic website that offers a range of information, including materials for family members who are struggling with knowing how to support a loved one who is dealing with a substance use or mental health issue. If you work on educating yourself and support him in his own recovery, he will probably gain clarity as he gets better and start to make better personal and life decisions for himself. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Edgar Watson Howe says, “there is only one thing people like that is good for them; a good night’s sleep.” Sleep plays a vital role in our health. We need it to survive – the same way we need water, oxygen, and food. Yet, about one-third of working adults struggle with chronic sleep difficulties.
Effects of a good (and bad) sleep After a long and restful sleep, we wake up feeling energized. Our mood is positive, we’re focused and attentive, and we’re generally more resilient against day-to-day stressors. But when we are lacking in sleep, we’re more likely to feel irritable, annoyed, experience changes in appetite, and be much more distracted. One of the most common sleep problems is insomnia, which is characterized by difficulty falling asleep, not being able to stay asleep, and/or early-morning awakenings. The most effective treatment for insomnia is cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT). CBT is an evidence-based treatment approach that focuses on changing behavioural patterns, thoughts, and worries – including worries about sleep. Aside from scheduling an appointment with your therapist or learning a few CBT techniques on your own, what can we do to sleep better? Discover the root cause of poor sleep Before implementing tips to enhance your sleep hygiene, it’s important to consider if there are any confounding variables that may be contributing. 1. Are any physical conditions or factors, including medication side effects, playing a role? If you aren’t sure about underlying health conditions or if your medication is affecting your sleep, book an appointment to speak with your medical doctor. 2. Do you find yourself excessively worrying or ruminating before bed? A certain amount of stress and anxiety is a normal part of life, but also one of the strongest factors that influence sleep. If you find yourself excessively thinking or ruminating at night, and that’s preventing you from sleeping, it can be helpful to keep a worry log. To do this, write down all the potential worries that may keep you up at night. Recording these an hour or two before bed can serve a preventative role. If, once in bed, you still find yourself worrying, get out of bed, write down your concerns, and ask yourself three key questions:
3. Are you unsure of what is keeping you up at night? If you are having trouble identifying the root of your sleep problems, keep a diary for one to two weeks. Track your diet, work, and leisure activities, and level of stress and sleep/wake times. This can help identify patterns and factors that are affecting sleep that you may not otherwise be aware of. 10 ways to improve your sleep hygiene Once you have done the above, it’s time to implement good sleep hygiene principles. Here are 10 tips to help you sleep better, more often.
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My mother-in-law is hypercritical of my husband in front of us both. My husband is understandably upset by this and I have to admit it’s starting to get to me as well. Is it in my place to say something? Or does it need to come from him? The answer: Being unfairly criticized by anyone (a boss, a partner, a friend) is upsetting no matter what the circumstances. Throw into the mix being an adult child who is being criticized in front of his partner, and you have a situation that will, not surprisingly, trigger a range of negative emotions, including embarrassment, shame, sadness and anger. In-law relationships can be one of the most sensitive relationships to navigate around. No matter how close you are with your in-laws, the reality is most people need to approach potential difficulties with their partner’s family even more gently than they would with their own. Recognizing that your mother-in-law is being hypercritical is an important first step. If you haven’t already done so, let your husband know you are aware that her behaviour is unfair and inappropriate, and that it upsets you. You may want to tell him that you can understand how uncomfortable it may make him feel, and reassure him that your opinion of him is not affected in any way by what she says. Encourage and support your husband to talk directly to his mother. You may want to try to understand what gets in the way of him expressing to her how hurtful her behaviour is. Is he worried he may hurt her feelings? Has he just tolerated her behaviour most of his life? Is he not sure what exactly to say to her? You could help your husband brainstorm ways to address his mother’s behaviour toward him (ideally without you present, as this may make it more likely that she is responsive to his feedback). If your husband finds it difficult (or ineffective) to talk to his mother, you may want to (only with your husband’s permission) have a one-on-one conversation with her, explaining to her how upsetting her behaviour is to him. Finally, if despite both of your best efforts her behaviour isn’t changing (which it may not) you could try to minimize her comments. When she starts to criticize your husband, try changing the topic (you may try this gently, or be more blatant about it if her criticisms are highly inappropriate). Or, counterbalance what she is saying with positive things about your husband – so if she is criticizing his parenting behaviour, you could give examples of how he is a wonderful father. Dr. John Gottman’s The Relationship Cure is an excellent book that provides useful strategies to repair and strengthen a range of relationships in our lives. The book helps us understand the unhelpful patterns that we can get into in our important relationships, and provides useful strategies for approaching our key relationships in helpful ways. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My four-year-old categorically ignores me. I think my requests are age-appropriate: put your shoes on, wash your hands etc. I’ve tried explaining that if we don’t get these things done we can’t do the fun things such as going to the park. I had expected this behaviour might occur when he grew older, but at the age of four he already seems so distant from me. I hate that these beautiful sunny days are being spent battling over putting on shoes on rather than playing together. What can I do? The answer: Dealing with a defiant toddler can be challenging and frustrating, not to mention time-consuming. Intervening at this young age is great, as it can help to set some behavioural patterns and expectations that will continue as he gets older. The requests you are describing are age-appropriate (assuming that he is within normal developmental milestones). Keep in mind that a child’s behaviour is dependent upon a complex interplay of a few key factors: – Temperament/personality: certain kids are simply more compliant, easygoing and easier to parent – Developmental/emotional issues: children that are delayed developmentally for a range of issues or that are dealing with clinically significant emotional issues tend to display more behavioural difficulties (speak to a pediatrician or child psychologist if you have any concerns that there are any out of the ordinary health issues that may be contributing) – Behavioural expectations: this involves both the manner in which requests are made, as well as the rewards and consequences provided for behaviour that is consistent or inconsistent with those requests As a parent, the area of behavioural expectations is the one that you have most control over. Here are a few tips: – Take note of times and situations where your son is more likely to pay attention; you may notice some patterns in the factors that are more likely to lead to him listening to and complying with a request. Then, try to emulate those factors whenever possible. – When making requests, ensure that his attention is focused on you and that there are minimal distractions (i.e., no other children around, TV or radio is off, no toys in his hand). When making a request, be aware of your non-verbal behaviours (position yourself so you are facing your son eye-to-eye; make the request in a soft, gentle tone; remain calm and encouraging) and repeat the request if necessary. – Ask him to repeat your request (to ensure comprehension) – Reward him when behaviour is consistent with what you requested. Avoid rewards such as food or candy; the best reinforcers are interpersonal reinforcers (i.e., giving him a hug, smiling, thanking him, telling him you are proud of him). – Ensure there is a consequence when he is not compliant. Verbalize why the consequence is being given in a calm voice, and then provide a consequence. Consequences can involve taking a toy away, not engaging in something he finds enjoyable (e.g., going to the park), or expressing some verbal or nonverbal disapproval. Avoiding communicating frustration or anger. Contrary to popular belief, punishment is not the most effective behavioural strategy and can lead to a number of other negative sequelae. Be mindful of not inadvertently providing positive reinforcement at the same time you are providing a consequence (e.g., do not smile while providing a consequence). – Consistency is absolutely key. Ensure that you are as consistent as you possibly can be with rewards and consequences. This is essential, particularly in the early stages of trying to shape or modify certain behavioural patterns. It can be very difficult to do, particularly when parents are faced with multiple competing demands and when the consequences (e.g., not going to play outside in nice weather) also negatively impacts you. However, consistency is perhaps the single most important factor under your control, and has a significant impact on shaping children’s behavioural patterns. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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