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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m not proud to admit it, but I faked orgasms with my last boyfriend for two years. I’m starting to pursue a new relationship. I want to figure out why I did this, how common this is for women, and how I can prevent doing in the future. Can you help? The answer: Your sex life can be a source of tremendous pleasure and fulfillment, but can also become a source of discontent and unhappiness if there are parts of the relationship that are not going well. For many women, the feeling of having to fake an orgasm can be a source of guilt, shame or disappointment. First, it is important to keep in mind that only about 30 per cent of women can regularly experience an orgasm through intercourse. A much higher percentage can experience orgasm through a combination of manual/oral stimulation from their partner or masturbation. It may be that you need to have open communication with your next partner about the ways in which you are most likely to orgasm, and work to actively create these situations. Sex is one of the most difficult topics for many couples to discuss. Focusing discussions on the things that you like and enjoy (rather than speaking about what doesn’t work for you) can be a positive way to approach these conversations. About 10-20 per cent of women report never experiencing an orgasm. This can be related to a number of factors, many of which are psychologically based. A range of past experiences, including abusive and traumatic sexual experiences can contribute. If this is the case, seek out professional help from someone who is trained in sexual therapy and/or trauma. Many women are able to overcome these barriers with the support of a caring, trusting and patient therapist and partner. If you have been able to experience orgasms in the past, you may want to ask yourself the following questions to better understand what factors contributed for you: – Did lack of emotional intimacy/connection to your partner play a role? – Was there a lack of trust (emotionally or physically) with your partner? – Did you feel a pull to please your partner (and have him feel you were satisfied, even if you weren’t)? – Did you (and/or your partner) put his sexual needs above yours? – Did you feel you were disappointing your partner by not being able to orgasm, hence feeling pressure to fake it? – Do you enjoy sex? Answering these questions can help you understand what some of your barriers were, and can help you to think about how to approach your next intimate relationship. In addition to the above, other contributing factors can include: ongoing/unaddressed stressors in your life; untreated depression or anxiety; physical health problems (e.g., chronic pain); or side effects of medications (e.g., reduced libido is one of the most commonly reported side effects of antidepressant medications). Reading more about sexuality, exploring ways that you can orgasm on your own (e.g., through masturbation), seeking professional help, and being mindful of the type of partner you select may all be important ways that you can move forward to build a more fulfilling sex life. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  How to Determine Our Values for more Values-Based Living
Are you ever faced with a decision that feels impossible to make? Most of us probably have at one point or another. Sometimes this difficulty in decision making is a result of competing values. For example, you have a big work presentation tomorrow and you really value work, but your kid comes home from school and had a bad day and could use some support and you also value your family. This decision requires you to decide which you value more. For some, making that decision may be easy, for others, it’s less black and white. When we live in such a way that’s aligned with our values, we feel good, like our life has a purpose. Not only that, living a life based on our values can improve our overall well-being. In other words, when we act in alignment with our values, we experience a host of other benefits including, contentment, satisfaction, happiness, and inner strength. The opposite is also true. When we do not live our lives in a way that is consistent with our values, we feel uneasy, disconnected, restless, and overall unhappy. Oftentimes, we don’t know why our life feels ‘off’. So, it’s important to understand our values in order to help us determine what is important to us and therefore do our best to live in a way that is consistent with our values. But, how do we determine our values? What are Values? First, let’s define what a value really is. Values are your deepest desires for how you want to behave as a human. According to psychologist Barb Markway and Celia Ampel in The Self-Confidence Workbook, values are “the principles that give our lives meaning and allow us to persevere through adversity.” That being said, values are not something that’s imposed on us, such as rules we must follow, they’re chosen freely. It’s also important to make the distinction between values and goals. Values are how we want to live our lives, while goals are the specific ways in which we intend to execute our values. A goal is something we can aim for and accomplish while values are ongoing and provide us with direction. How to Determine Our Values There are numerous ways to go about discovering what your values are but here we will explore a few of these methods to get you started on the journey. 1 Start with a core list of values.
2 Think about the people you admire most.
3 Think about a defining moment.
4 Listen to yourself.
5 See a career counsellor.
Final Thoughts on Values Our values have a significant impact on our daily lives and our everyday decisions. In order to live in a way that aligns with our values, we must first understand what they are. Determining our values doesn’t have to be challenging but it does require us to be open, vulnerable, and honest with ourselves. Determining our values can really go a long way in supporting our psychological health and wellness. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
When I can’t sleep, is it better to get up and try to take my mind off things or stay in bed? The answer: One of my favourite quotes is from writer Edgar Watson Howe: “There is only one thing people like that is good for them; a good night’s sleep.” Sleep is a core need that we have – just like water, oxygen or food. Yet about one-third of Canadians struggle with chronic sleep difficulties. We all know when we have a solid, deep sleep that we feel golden: mood is positive, energy is high, we are much more focused and attentive, and generally more resilient to day-to-day stressors. Conversely, when we are lacking in sleep, multiple areas of function are affected. We are more likely to feel irritable or annoyed, experience changes in appetite and be much more distracted. One of the most common sleep problems is insomnia – characterized by difficulty falling asleep, not being able to stay asleep and/or early-morning awakenings. The most effective treatment for insomnia is cognitive-behavioural therapy that focuses on behavioural sleep patterns, thoughts and worries – including worries about sleep. If you can’t fall asleep within 15-20 minutes, get out of bed and do not go back until you are sleepy (not just tired). Anxiety is a normal part of life, but also one of the strongest factors that influences sleep. If you find that worries are preventing you from sleeping, it can be helpful to keep a “worry log” – get out of bed, write down your concerns and ask yourself three key questions: 1. What is the evidence for this worry? 2. What is the problem to be solved? 3. What can I do right now? Although this can feel difficult to do, it is highly important as staying in bed and worrying associates anxious thoughts with sleep time – and over time, your bed becomes linked with worries and can evoke these thoughts as soon as you get into bed. If you are having trouble identifying the root of your sleep problems, keep a diary for one to two weeks (e.g., track your diet, work and leisure activities, level of stress and bed/wake times). This can help identify patterns and factors that are affecting sleep that you may not be aware of. Here are some tips to improve your sleep: • Have a consistent, fixed wake-up time – even on weekends – to build a steady sleep pattern. • Expose yourself to outside light (e.g., open blinds) upon waking. • If you are having sleep problems, do not nap! Naps interfere with the restorative value of sleep later at night. The best strategy is to get into bed earlier that evening. • Do not have caffeine after noon to 1 p.m. (the half-life of caffeine is five hours – which means that five hours after having caffeine, 50 per cent is still left in your body; it takes another five hours for the caffeine to be reduced in half again to 25 per cent). • Do not smoke or exercise two to three hours before bedtime. • Reduce or eliminate alcohol use. Even one drink interferes with sleep quality and makes sleep less restorative. • Create a bedtime routine that is relaxing; have decaffeinated tea, warm milk or a warm bath. Make a clear distinction between daytime (alert) activities and bedtime (relaxing) ones. • Make your bedroom environment comfortable and conducive to sleep. Get comfortable pillows and bedding, darken the room and keep the temperature moderate. • Restrict your bed for two activities: sleep and sex. Do not watch TV, eat, talk on the phone, argue or use your computer while in bed. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’ve started a new position, one that I called my dream job six months ago. Now that I’m here, I’m not feeling fulfilled and I get quite anxious every time I come into the office. My family and friends expect me to be excited, but I hate it. Can I just quit already? The answer: One of my favourite quotes is from the renowned Dr. Sigmund Freud: “love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness”. For many of us, our livelihood is an integral part of our overall sense of happiness and well-being. Work – when it is going well – provides us with a sense of purpose and meaning. Our job can help us feel confident and competent, intrinsically rewarding. It also serves as an important source of social connection. When our work is not going well, however, it can be a source of significant distress and unhappiness. You describe your position as being your “dream job” six months ago. What has changed for you? It certainly could be that your work/career goals have shifted over the past half year. It may be that you had an unrealistic or over-idealized view of what the position would entail, and that you are now seeing that it wasn’t all you thought it would be. Maybe you didn’t have enough information on what the position would entail and that your perceptions were skewed based on that. All of these can certainly be factors that would contribute to a mismatch between your expectations and the reality of the position you are now finding yourself in. Also, I wonder if there are other factors that may be contributing to you not feeling fulfilled or anxious. Are there other things happening in your life that may be contributing and increasing your overall stress levels? Are there certain elements of the position (including co-worker/supervisor relationships) that are exacerbating issues for you and making you feel anxious about going to work? Are you struggling with learning the ropes at the new position? If any of these are the case, it may be that problem-solving some of the workplace issues may help you to feel more at ease and better enjoy your job. One of the things that can be very helpful is to make a list of your essential work “needs” (i.e., the absolute ‘must-have’s’ for you – which may include things like geographical location, benefits packages, salary, etc.) and your work “wants” (i.e., the ‘icing-on-the-cake’ that would make a good job great, but aren’t necessary for you to feel fulfilled). Take a look at this list and see how many of these needs and wants are being met in your current position. If you find there is a big mismatch, consider looking for another position that is a better fit to your list. At the end of the day, you need to make a decision that is best for you – irrespective of the expectations of family and friends (as they are not walking in your shoes). Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I only want to take medication during more difficult or stressful moments in my life. Is it harmful to go on and off medication for my mood depending on how I’m feeling? The answer: It really depends. It depends on what medications you are taking; on their intended usage; on how you do when you are off the medications; and on your long-term personal and health goals. Your medication usage should always be discussed with an appropriate professional (family physician, pharmacist, or psychiatrist). The first consideration is the class of medications. Certain medications (anxiolytics, sleeping medications) are intended for short-term, as-needed usage (listed as “prn” on the prescription). They are often medications that lead to increased tolerance over time and as such it is generally recommended that you only take them when needed. Other medications (antidepressants, mood stabilizers, antipsychotics) are intended for longer-term (at minimum several months usage). Going on and off these medications impacts their effectiveness, as it often takes weeks for the medication to build up in the body to what is called a therapeutic or effective level. The intended or prescribed usage of a medication is also important – for example, an antipsychotic when used to target psychotic symptoms needs to be taken daily to be effective. An antipsychotic medication in low dosages may also be prescribed for sleep, and as such daily usage may not be necessary. It is vital that you speak to your doctor or pharmacist about the usage. Pay attention to how you do when you are on versus off medications. When you have gone off medication in the past, do you feel better and are side effects lessened? Does your mood remain stable? Or does mood become worse, is quality of life lessened, and is there an impact on your ability to carry out other day-to-day functions and obligations? Consider your longer-term personal and health goals. Is your ultimate goal to try to remain off medications? Are you trying to get pregnant? Do you have other health considerations that may be negatively impacted by the medications you are taking? All of these are important factors in your bigger-picture decision-making . Be mindful that no medication is benign. All prescription medications have an impact on important organ systems, with heart, kidney and liver being the main body systems affected. Side effects are significant for many medications. And, most medications result in increased tolerance over time and associated withdrawal symptoms when one attempts to reduce or stop usage. Many people are also able to effectively manage mood in the long-term without medications – through diet, exercise, sleep hygiene, and use of other evidence-based, non-pharmacological interventions (e.g., cognitive behavioural therapy). Ultimately, most of us continue to engage in a behaviour if the overall benefits outweigh the cons, and as such your medication usage needs to be a decision that is informed by multiple factors, including candid and informed communication with your treatment providers. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Emory Oakley. Emory is a writer and LGBTQ+ educator who regularly discusses the intersections of queer identities and mental health. Originally published on his personal blog.  September Sadness: 7 Tips on Managing Seasonal Affective Disorder
My mental health always seems to shift in September. It’s currently only the first week of Septemeber and even though the weather is still relatively good in Vancouver I have experienced a sudden and somewhat drastic drop in my mood. The problem with this is it always takes me a while to figure out its depression, or more specifically a result of seasonal affective disorder. Managing the impacts of seasonal affective disorder can be challenging but know you are not alone. The Diagnosis The challenging thing is that depression does not manifest as sadness for me most of the time. The most prominent symptoms I experience are feeling lethargic, fatigued or just generally slowed down, unmotivated and unable to concentrate, and feelings of being unworthy or worthless (often as a direct result of my productivity). As a result, I don’t initially recognize these symptoms as related to my depression. I simply feel negative about myself and my ability to perform at the level I’m used to. I also often feel guilty for what I consider being an extra burden to those around me because I perceive myself as being extra needy (hint: it’s okay to have needs and sometimes need extra support around our mental health). After I’ve experienced these symptoms for a while and spend more time attending to the feelings I am having it finally seems to click – like ‘oh yeah this is my depression settling back in’. The fun doesn’t stop there. When I do finally realize this is related to my depression, not as a result of my personal failing, I have a hard time giving myself the space I need. What I mean is rather than being gentle with myself I get annoyed that ‘I didn’t see this coming sooner’. Because if I had I could ‘prepare’ (yes this happens every year around this time). But, that is why I am writing this article. To give myself, and others who may experience similar things, some perspective on the experience. What would it look like if I did prepare? Of course, I don’t actually know how preparing for this would be for me because I’ve never attempted to do it. It does always somehow catch me by surprise. But I imagine if I did attempt to prepare it would impact my summer negatively. I would be dreading the coming of September more and worry about the incoming feelings (yes I also have anxiety). Why September?This year I was thinking, why September? particularly since the weather has been pretty good here. It doesn’t make sense that my depression would be starting to settle in yet. Seasonal affective disorder specifically may be more a result of the days getting shorter than the overall amount of sunshine. In the Northern Hemisphere, the days begin to get shorter at the end of June – summer solstice; the longest day of the year. This year on June 21st in Vancouver we had 16.15 hours of daylight (5:06 am – 9:21 pm) while on September 1st we had 13.24 hours of daylight (6:29 am – 7:53 pm). This is nearly a 3-hour difference. By the end of September, we are already down to 11.4 hours of daylight (a 4.75-hour difference from June) and the shortest day being approximately 8 hours of daylight (December 21st). Yes, it is technically a bigger leap from now to December in terms of total hours of daylight but that does not take the sunrise time into effect. In the summer sunrise is before or around 6 am, in September sunrise is between 6:30 and 7:00 am, while in December sunrise isn’t until closer to 8 am. This greatly impacts how much of that sunlight you are actually experiencing. And in September a sunset between the hours 7:00 and 8:00 pm absolutely begins to impact the number of hours you’re able to enjoy after work. But there may be more to it than simply daylight. Although this in itself is evidence enough for me to feel better about my experience. Back to school is a factor, potentially even if you’re not still in school. If you are in school the added workload and stress and simply the change can make this time of year more challenging. But for those of us who aren’t in school September still symbolizes a time of change and many of us feel a sudden and profound shift as we enter this new month. We see and hear all the back to school ads, people start to talk about fall, and it already feels like the end of summer even though it doesn’t technically end until the end of September. What Can We Do About it?If you’re September or fall blues are a result of seasonal affective disorder (SAD) here are some tips. But know that it’s okay if your productivity drops as a result of these symptoms. It’s okay if all you managed to do today was get out of bed and feed yourself. Life is hard, especially this year, and you deserve to give yourself gentleness. Also, remember that you are valuable and worthy of love regardless of how productive you are. 7 Tips for Managing Seasonal Affective Disorder:
Also, remember that if your symptoms are severe enough that they are preventing you from being able to get out of bed or impacting your ability to perform every day activities for a long period of time you may want to speak to your doctor or a mental health professional. Managing Seasonal Affective Disorder - What Works For Me I do try to do all of the things listed above but it isn’t always easy. Lately, my morning routine has consisted of what I call coffee walks. I literally take my coffee and walk around my neighbourhood for a few minutes. When I return home I try to eat (food in the morning is my biggest struggle) then since I work from home I try to do one activity that is good for my body (read exercise) often it is simply a set of push-ups or pull-ups but lately, it has been yoga. The next thing is to get into work mode (I work from home as a freelance content creator). Since my work is contract work there is no set structure to my day and I often have many projects on the go it’s easy to find my list of tasks overwhelming and not know where to start. So, I find that breaking my tasks down into days can help. On particularly bad days I break my days down even further. During my workdays, I also try to take regular breaks that are healthy for me. It’s super tempting to spend my breaks on social media (which I am absolutely guilty of doing some days) but the better thing to do is have a healthy meal, go for a short walk, stretch, or do something else for my body (I like push-ups). It’s also important to remember to be gentle with yourself. If you’re having a particularly challenging day it’s okay to give up on the task you’re trying to complete and try again tomorrow. It’s okay if all you did today was survive. Final thoughts Managing seasonal affective disorder can be challenging, particularly when it feels like it hits you all of a sudden and somewhat out of the blue (before the weather really starts to change). But you don’t have to tackle it alone. Even those who aren’t diagnosed with depression or seasonal affective disorder are also going through a shift during this time of year for a number of reasons. Having someone to talk to and strategize with can make all the difference (therapy changed my life). Contact us at the Psychological Health & Safety Clinic to book an appointment. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’ve known a woman for seven years now. For the first three years we were romantically involved in an on-again/off-again relationship. She was the one who determined the on/off. I was deeply in love with her, but she was not with me. She married another man, but after six months contacted me, said he was abusive and that she should have given us a chance. She filed for divorce, asked me if I would have a family and a home with her. I immediately accepted, but shortly after she dumped me again. Months later she announced she’d met her life partner and hoped I’d be happy for her. It was devastating to me. She has contacted me again after four years, telling me exactly the same thing as before. I’m her true love, she made a mistake, she had a child with the wrong man, etc. I still have feelings for her, but how do I deal with this? What is making her tick? The answer: Well, I think we should start by talking about what isn’t making her tick – love, respect or empathy for you and your feelings. This woman seems to be completely oblivious to the depth of feelings that you have proclaimed for her. A fundamental aspect of true love for another person is wanting the best for them, and putting their needs ahead of or, at minimum, equal to those of your own. Her declarations of love to you seem to be guided solely by the fact that she is now single and desperately wanting a relationship. This woman has a sweetheart deal when it comes to you: she establishes the parameters for the relationship; she calls you when it’s on her terms; she decides when you will be in a romantic relationship versus simply friends; and, for all intents and purposes, she has effectively contributed to you being in a place where you haven’t been able to move on with someone else. Any time any of us are in a situation of unrequited love, or when we have been hurt by another, we tend to do one of a few things: blame the other person and project our anger toward them; blame ourselves for not being “good enough”; or excuse their behaviour by becoming overly empathetic to their plight at the expense of putting our own needs far below theirs. But relationships are bidirectional, and the blame rarely lies exclusively with another person. To effectively move forward emotionally, you need to look at the reasons you have allowed yourself to remain so engaged in this hurtful dynamic. Why did you allow her to establish the on/off nature of the relationship when clearly this wasn’t what you wanted? Why did you remain with her – and in fact go back to her – even though you knew she wasn’t in love with you the way that you were with her? And why are you even allowing her to engage with you now, despite the years of hurt you have endured? To move forward, you need to assert your position and gain control back. Likely, this is going to mean ending all communication with this woman. Given the depth of your feelings, maintaining a friendship most likely won’t work. Express why you are ending communication with her– writing a letter or an e-mail may allow you to explain the impact her flightiness has had on you. Then, stick to moving on and allowing yourself to be open to meeting someone who can provide you the kind of love you deserve. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My sister is a successful 26-year-old grad student. Lately she’s become more introverted, started sleeping more and become melancholy. Is this clinical depression? She’s started taking antidepressants but I’m worried that it requires more than a prescription. What do you recommend? The answer: You’re smart to be concerned about your sister (as unfortunately, many well-meaning friends and family will avoid addressing a loved one’s mood issues, even when they see that person possibly struggling). Certainly withdrawal/avoidance behaviours, increased sleep and low, melancholy mood can be signs of possible clinical depression (although an accurate diagnosis always requires proper assessment by a physician or psychologist). Since she’s started taking antidepressants, I am assuming that she has seen either a family physician or a psychiatrist who evaluated her and made a determination that medication would be helpful. Your thought that she needs more than antidepressants is intuitive – and accurate. The majority of individuals with depression require more than just medications. The research indicates that for mild levels of depression, the most effective treatment is self-directed “self-management” approaches (where an individual reads about effective mood management strategies and implements them on their own, or with the support of a loved one); for moderate levels of depression, self-management approaches combined with treatment by a qualified mental health professional who provides an evidence-based psychological treatment is recommended. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and interpersonal therapy (IPT) are the two types of “talk therapy”, typically delivered by a registered psychologist, which have strong empirical support for being effective for depression. As individuals develop more severe levels of depression, the evidence suggests that the most effective treatment often requires a combination of time-limited pharmaceutical intervention as well as psychological treatment. We know that the “depressed state” is a result of five main things: – Life situations or stressors (certainly being in graduate school is a significant stressor) – Thinking patterns (people tend to think more negatively about themselves, others, and feel hopeless about the future; thinking patterns are more self-critical and unfair/unrealistic) – Behavioural patterns (people tend to withdraw, isolate, and when feeling low or depressed do less of the things they do when they are feeling well, which makes mood issues even worse) – Physiology (changes in neurochemistry, as well as altered sleep, energy and appetite patterns) – Emotions (which may be much broader than just depressed or low mood, and often includes significant anxiety, worry, discouragement or irritability/anger) Medications help primarily with the physiological symptoms, whereas psychological treatments can help with the other areas. I would encourage you to speak openly with your sister. Take a gentle and supportive approach and let her know that you just want to be there to support her in whatever way you can, given that you have noticed she is just not her usual self. You may encourage her to see someone at the health or counseling services department at her university, as students can often receive free or low-cost services through their university. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My boss is incredibly skinny – I think she has an eating disorder (she only has one or two bites at any lunch that I’ve seen). Is it wildly inappropriate for me to ask her about that? I’m worried about her. The answer: Lower than average body weight (less than 85 per cent of one’s expected body weight based on their sex and height) and significant restriction of food intake are two hallmarks of anorexia nervosa, a rare but serious eating disorder. In addition, individuals have an intense fear of weight gain. They may excessively exercise and may misuse laxatives, diuretics or enemas. There may occasionally be elements of binge-eating or purging. Food restriction can also be associated with bulimia nervosa, which has the hallmark features of recurrent binge-eating behaviours (i.e., eating a markedly high quantity of food during discrete periods of time, with an associated lack of control during the binge) as well as purging behaviours to prevent weight gain (self-induced vomiting, excessive exercise or use of diuretics, laxatives or enemas may occur). Keep in mind that being skinny and eating small quantities of food for lunch may or may not indicate that your boss has an eating disorder. She may have a small build, have health issues that explain her low weight or be eating larger quantities of food at other times. That being said, you may still feel concerned. Your question then of how – if at all – to approach this with your boss is a difficult one. The fact that she is your boss makes this much more complicated than if she were a friend or a family member. You need to remain mindful of a number of issues. What type of relationship do the two of you have? Your concern makes me think that you may have some level of friendship or closeness with her that is beyond a formal employer/employee relationship. What is your guess about how she might react to you bringing this up? Would you be placing your position in jeopardy if you were to overstep what in some situations may be very clear workplace boundaries? Given your worries, you may want to consider very gently and respectfully expressing them to her. Keep in mind that she may feel not at all comfortable having this discussion with you because you are her employee, which is perfectly understandable and acceptable. If you do decide to approach her, make sure that you have some dedicated time to speak, that you are in a private location away from other employees and that it is not at the beginning or in the middle of a busy work day. Be very honest. State that you have felt nervous or unsure about how to approach this conversation and that you respect her privacy, but that you care about her and are concerned. Be specific, but qualify this by acknowledging that you may be way off base. Indicate that you notice she has lost weight (if this is accurate) and that she eats very small quantities of food. Ask her if there is anything you can do that could be of assistance, and if so what would be helpful. If she does not want to have this conversation, respect her wish and apologize for overstepping any boundaries. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I feel like I’m self-sabotaging my weight loss. I know what it takes to lose the weight. At 34, I’m not obese – but I’m chunky, and I’ve been skinny a number of times – but always put it back on. I can tell myself I’ll only have salad before I go out for dinner with friends, but inevitably end up eating junk and drinking beer. Why do I do this? Can you recommend mental strategies so I can get skinny and stay that way? The answer: An immediate observation: you say you are “chunky” and that you have been “skinny” on a number of occasions in the past, but have unable to maintain that weight. Rather than thinking in terms of any extremes, the first mental shift you need to make is to establish a realistic and healthy weight goal – both for the short-term and long-term. If you are aiming for a goal that is unhealthy or unrealistic, you are setting yourself up for failure. And unfortunately, this can contribute to a yo-yo effect in terms of both dieting behaviours and weight fluctuations, as you have described. You can easily find body mass index (BMI) calculators online which can provide you a reasonable approximation of what a healthy weight range should be for your height and sex. Speaking to a physician, dietitian or nutritionist can also help provide you with some guidance. Once you have revised your target goal, remind yourself that slow and steady definitely wins the race. Guidelines suggest that it is unhealthy to lose any more than 1 to 2 pounds per week – so keep this and your current weight in mind when establishing a weight loss goal. The principles of weight loss are not complicated, and as you have said you know what it takes to lose weight. Weight loss requires increasing activity, and decreasing caloric intake (through a combination of reducing the amount of food eaten and making healthier food choices). Be mindful of the types of limits and expectations you put on yourself – often, these are the biggest psychological barriers to not being able to stick to weight loss strategies: Black or white thinking when it comes to weight or diet changes is never effective – which is part of the reason diets fail more often than not. Try to not make “all-or-nothing” statements such as “I will only eat a salad when I go out for dinner” or “I will never eat junk food”. Instead, make realistic goals you can stick to, such as “I won’t eat junk food after such-and-such a time at night” or “I will limit alcohol intake when out with friends to a maximum of two drinks”. These goals are much more realistic, and you are more likely to be successful in sticking to them as you are not depriving yourself. Remember, you can always revise and refine your goals if you aren’t reaching your target weight loss. Finally remind yourself that weight changes take time. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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