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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  In recent years, work has undergone a major shift. What was once viewed as a means to an end or a way to support our families, has shifted into something greater. Today, more than ever, we seek jobs that align with our values and give us purpose. The focus on finding a personally fulfilling career is a relatively new phenomenon—it’s certainly something our parents and grandparents didn’t emphasize nearly as strongly as we do now.
But what happens when we’re at a job that no longer gives us meaning? We now face a dilemma of choosing to stay on our current path, risk switching to a new job (which may not fulfill us any more than our current one does) or go back to school for something completely different. It all comes down values Certainly, the work that we do in our day-to-day lives is an important part of who we are, and it can have a tremendous impact (positive or negative) on our level of happiness, personal fulfillment, sense of self, and overall quality of life. Unfortunately, there’s no right or wrong answer to the question of staying in a career or going back to school. Ultimately, it comes down to personal values and the weight that is placed on them. As a person ages, and has more financial commitments or is looking to take steps forward in other aspects of their life, like marriage or children, making a career shift becomes a more and more challenging decision to make. 6 things to consider before making a switch Here are some things to consider whether or not to change careers or go back to school: 1. Is age a primary barrier? If so, five words: You. Are. Still. Very. Young! Research tells us that the average person entering the workforce now will make up to seven distinct shifts in their career throughout their lifetime. A number of factors (enhanced life expectancy, changing nature of society and work, financial demands) are leading people to work years longer than their predecessors did, with the average age of retirement now closer to 70. 2. Ask yourself if you could truly and sincerely see yourself in your current career for the rest of your life? If that thought evokes considerable distress, you have your answer. 3. Consider how imminent other future changes are. It is certainly responsible to be planning for your future, but do you have immediate plans to make significant changes in your life? You are doing an injustice to yourself if you delay making a career transition because of future unknowns that may or may not happen as you have planned. 4. Maintenance of your current lifestyle (and financial obligations) is a very real consideration. Are there ways to be creative in working around this as a barrier? For example, consider getting a roommate to help with the mortgage or other bills while you go back to school. Starting a part-time program of study that allows you to continue to work and earn a salary may be a nice balance that fits with maintaining your current lifestyle, while continuing to pursue alternate career aspirations. 5. Modern technology now allows for a range of learning environments This includes virtual and online, which allows much more flexibility in terms of options to learn and upgrade skills. Consider doing some online searches to see what programs and certificates may align. Many online training opportunities have a lot of flexibility in terms of scheduling and allowing extended time windows for course completion. 6. Meet with a career counsellor at a local college or university. This may help provide you with a range of creative options: For example, obtaining a specialized certificate or upgrading in a particular area may be enough to open other career doors, without having to start from scratch. Remember that career shifts are common and it is never too late to make a change if done so thoughtfully. Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Emory Oakley. Emory is a writer and LGBTQ+ educator who regularly discusses the intersections of queer identities and mental health. On the morning of February 1st, my mother would smile and like a giddy teenager as she lined up the cereal boxes and state: “it’s only twenty-seven days until my birthday.” As if we hadn’t performed this ritual for as long as we could remember. She was always enthusiastic to celebrate regardless of whether or not she had an actual birthday that year. In reality, the entire last week of the month was all about her. Of course, the leap years were the biggest, but every other year was almost the same. Since there was no actual day to celebrate, “why not celebrate on February 28th and March 1st?” You might think this would be incredibly annoying, and while it was to some extent, it was impossible to be annoyed for long.
A lot of things from my childhood have been forgotten but not those birthday celebrations. I couldn’t tell you which events happened which year or what years were the biggest parties, but I do remember my mother’s enthusiasm. And everyone would have said she was the life of the party. She would inevitably be found in the kitchen – wine glass in hand, small ice cubes clinking against the glass as she danced lazy circles around the furniture or other party-goers. If you could really call what she did dancing. When she really got into it she would do this thing that can only be described as a jump-shuffle-dance. With her feet together, knees bent and ass sticking out, she shuffled backwards, sort of like a reverse bunny hop or maybe a two-footed moonwalk. It was impossible not to watch her when she danced, not only because it was quite funny to watch, but the way her face shone with joy demanded attention. When Everything Changed My mother died just before I turned eighteen years old and three weeks after I graduated from high school. That was more than ten years ago now, but as February 29th approaches I feel heavy. It’s a heaviness that even now as I write this I am having a difficult time describing. It feels almost like something’s missing in my life but not in a way that feels tangible to me. This is because my mother has never been a part of my adult life. Since graduating from high school I’ve come out as queer and transgender. I’ve legally changed my name and have grown into an entirely different version of myself. One that my mother never got to meet. So, while she’s missing from my life now and that burdens my heart significantly, I also don’t know what her being in my life would look like anymore. This is a completely different type of sadness. Does grief last ten years or more?For the last handful of years, I had a hard time describing the feelings I’ve had about my mother as grief. The way I feel now feels nothing like the first few years did. My mother had been sick for a long time before she died and I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to say goodbye. Unfortunately, these things did little to actually prepare me for her absence. The last year, maybe more, was spent making trips back and forth from the hospital. Picking mom up and bringing her home for dinner, or for weekend visits, when she was healthy enough. Then suddenly everything changed. My family home turned into nothing more than a few two by fours and a roof- a place to sleep and eat but it no longer felt like a home. That first year, grief pooled under my tongue, it felt like I couldn’t speak or swallow. I became well acquainted with the feeling of tears welling in my cheekbones, learned to lock jaw keep them out when I could. I told myself to be strong. That my younger sibling needed me to be strong. But as I look back now I realize how much this prevented me from healing. I needed to feel my feelings in order to let them go. Everything was a challenge that year and it felt like I was doing everything alone. The first Christmas felt hollow, I didn’t want to celebrate as there was no reason to anymore, and when we got to the first February I was barely able to function. I somehow managed to maintain my grades in university and show up at work but I was just going through the motions. Doing just enough to exist but nothing more. The First Leap Year The first leap year was 2012, almost three years after my mother passed. I was twenty years old and by then I felt like things had changed, that I’d grown up enough. I was able to look back on the amazing things about my mother and smile rather than just seeing hospital beds and blue gowns. But something about that February broke me open. I felt the hole in my life again and I was completely unprepared to deal with it. The Second Leap Year The next leap year was 2016, and this time everything was different. I’d come out as queer, been through years of therapy and was coming to terms with my gender identity. This time I felt like a new person. It had been years since grief had taken hold of me and I finally felt like I was figuring out how to be an adult. But when February rolled around I felt guilty. It felt like I was forgetting and that made me feel nauseous. It took more effort than I would have liked to conjure the image of my mothers’ smile and I could barely remember the sound of her laughter. It felt like everything was fading and I spent weeks angry at myself for letting go. I didn’t want to forget but I also didn’t want to cling to the sadness that had burdened me so significantly years before. So, I made the decision to write. I’ve been a writer for as long as I can remember, and there is something cathartic about having a place to put your feelings outside of yourself. But this time instead of writing into the sadness – I chose another path. That month I created a chapbook of poems that I titled Unsent Letters. It contained eight poems written as if they were letters to my mother describing my life and how things had changed. In those poems, I was able to come out to her and tell her I wasn’t her little girl anymore. It provided me with healing I never could have anticipated. Of course, I wish I could have spoken those words to her and that she could have met this version of me, but it was the closest I was ever going to get. Grief After 10 Years Now, things continue to change when it comes to my grief. I have casual depression. I call it casual because it doesn’t have a significant impact on my day-to-day functions, but it does make me feel lethargic and heavy some days. And I often feel a weight of sadness that is not caused by anything I can put my finger on. My depression gets worse in the cold, grey winter months or maybe it’s just harder for me to manage in the darkness. But in February, even though the clouds are lifting in Vancouver and the sun is starting to shine, I feel heavy. Sort of like I imagine a knight would feel in plated armour, my motions are slower and where I place my energy has to be more calculated. I tire sooner and I feel like I am not able to do as much and I dislike feeling that way. But it doesn’t feel like sadness. So today I remind myself that sadness does not always show up as tears. That my sadness over losing my mother has changed from a deep sense of grief into a vague sense of emptiness and longing. Both of these feelings are valid and have been a significant part of my process. But dealing with grief is never easy, so let’s talk about grief in a more practical way – and what we can do to manage it best we can. What is grief? And how does it change over time?Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering a person feels when something or someone they love is taken away. It’s common to experience all kinds of difficult and unexpected emotions, from shock or anger to disbelief, guilt, and profound sadness. The pain of grief can also disrupt our physical health, making it difficult to sleep, eat, or even think straight. These are normal reactions to loss – and the more significant the loss, the more intense the grief will be. The most important thing to know about grief is that there is no one way to grieve. And there certainly isn’t a benchmark for what is normal when it comes to grieving. As time passes, the loss doesn’t disappear completely and it probably never will but it changes. How to manage grief Most of us have probably heard of the stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. While many people do experience these, calling them stages can be problematic for many. Grief is not something neat and tidy – and it is rare for anyone to experience these ‘stages’ in sequential order and in the way that they’re described to us. So, don’t worry so much about the stages or what you ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ be feeling when it comes to grief. My thoughts on dealing with grief I have learned a lot about the grieving process over the years and here is what I think about how to manage grief.
Final Thoughts Remember that grief looks different for everyone and despite the fact that we are only given a short amount of time off work for grieving, that does not mean the grieving process is or should be over at the end of that allotted time. The first year is going to be the hardest because you have an entire year of first experiences without that person. If you are dealing with grief, no matter what stage you’re at or how much time has passed, and you need support- reach out. Sign up today for a no-commitment referral with a therapist at Dr. Joti Samra & Associates. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My husband takes vacations on his own. He does also go on holidays with my daughter and me, but I’m feeling a little resentful of his solo time off. Am I wrong to feel that way? The answer: There is a lot to be said for the value and importance of couples – particularly those with kids – having time away from each other. Time apart can give people a chance to recharge, to devote time and attention to one’s own needs separate from the demands of others, and to appreciate their spouse. Whenever I see couples in my patient practice, I explain to them that there are four separate units they need to pay attention to and nurture: the couple unit, the family unit (including kids and other extended family members), and each partner as an individual unit. When any of these areas are not given adequate time, attention or nurturance, the other units suffer. Now, how much energy and attention is given (or needs to be given) to each of these is based on a number of factors, not least of which is what each couple or family’s needs are as well as what logistically and pragmatically works for them. You ask if you are wrong to feel resentful of your husband’s solo time off. I feel very strongly that we are never wrong to feel what we feel. A better question to ask is why are you feeling the way that you do, and what can you do that can improve the situation. Resentment at its heart has an element of actual or perceived unfairness. So it seems that you feel the fact that he gets solo vacations is unfair, and I’m making the assumption that you are not getting similar time off yourself. Assuming there are no other concerns that you have about his vacations away (such as potential infidelity), there is one of two things that can be done to level the playing field: He can stop taking his time away or you can find ways to get your own solo time. I would lean toward the latter as being the best solution. I would speak openly with your husband about this. But before you have the conversation, ask yourself what it is specifically that you want. Do you want time away by yourself? With girlfriends or family? Do you wish you had vacations with him only, without your daughter? What is it about the time away that you value most? Is it time away from regular routine and responsibilities? Perhaps an opportunity for you to recharge? Bonding time with friends or your husband? Articulate what you feel resentful about missing. Then speak to your husband about how the two of you can work as a family to ensure you also create this time for yourself. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
When is retail therapy unhealthy? The answer: “Retail therapy” is a tongue-in-cheek term we tend to use (especially us women) to refer to shopping behaviour that has the primary aim of improving our emotional state. Getting something new that we like can naturally make us feel good – particularly when it is something that may contribute to enhancing our self-esteem or confidence, such as clothes, shoes or makeup. The natural little high that comes along with this is very normal and for the majority of people will not become problematic. But some people may find that they have an urge to shop when they are sad, depressed, anxious or even angry. Although this can lead to a temporary lift in mood, often our decision-making is poor when we are experiencing negative emotions and we may make choices we later regret. There are three key questions to ask yourself to determine whether your shopping behaviour is unhealthy: 1. Do you get the urge to shop particularly when you are experiencing negative emotions? 2. Do you find it difficult to resist the urge to shop during these times? 3. Is your behaviour resulting in negative results effects (e.g., are you getting yourself into financial debt; do you feel guilty afterward; is it creating conflict with your partner)? If you answer yes to one or more of these questions, you are likely engaging in shopping behaviour that is unhealthy. There are a few things that you can do to work on this. First, articulate the negative effects of your behaviour. Write them down and be specific. Put this list somewhere visible. Second, identify which particular moods tend to increase the likelihood that you will engage in “retail therapy.” Work to regulate these negative emotions. Seek treatment for underlying mood issues if these have been unaddressed. Try instead different activities that will intrinsically improve your mood, such as visiting with a friend or going for a walk. Third, Third, consider what environmental triggers urge you to shop (e.g., a fight with your partner, a bad day at work). Work on a solution to these situations because targeting the underlying cause will be more effective than focusing strictly on the shopping behaviour. Fourth, put a price to your behaviour. What is this costing you on a monthly basis? And how is that interfering with other short- and long-term financial goals you have? Finally, make a commitment to change your behaviour. Be specific about what you are going to do. And start immediately. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  We’ve all heard the advice of striving for work-life balance. This suggests, for most of us, that work is tipping the scales and we need to spend more time on other aspects of our non-work personal lives – and in some cases to ‘get a life’. The reality of modern-day work structure – right or wrong – is that we now work longer hours than ever. The modern-day work environment and global economy, combined with technology which now allows us to work 24/7, along with the cost of living makes it increasingly more difficult to achieve balance: if we look at this as an actual scale, for most of us, work is going to significantly tip the scales based simply on the number of hours we spend working.
Work-life balance also suggests that portions of our lives should be separated into different sections but it isn’t always that simple. Many of us choose our profession based on something we are passionate about or we feel gives us meaning. Therefore, it isn’t always easy to separate work and life. So, rather than striving for work-life balance, we should be thinking about achieving work-life harmony. This means arranging the different aspects of our lives so that they work together in harmony – like an orchestra. What can we do to achieve work-life harmony? 1. Make conscious choices Conductors create great harmonies by getting different instruments in the orchestra to work together effectively and by emphasizing different instruments at different times. For us, this means ensuring we make conscious choices about the activities we engage in, including work, and what is important to us. This also means attempting to have a plan in regards to the time we spend. Whenever possible make conscious decisions about how much we are going to work and how we are going to spend the rest of our time. 2. Work with passion When possible work in a field that we can be passionate about, or find aspects of our current position that we love. Research suggests that we are happier and more invested in our work when we can find meaning in that work. 3. Prioritize working with people we like Since we are spending a significant portion of time with our co-workers, our relationship with them can affect how we feel throughout the day. We are likely to be happier if we enjoy the people we are working with. This could mean choosing to spend more time with the people we like and get along with at work or building better relationships with the people we work with. Alternatively, if we are working with people we don’t get along with we should attempt to manage those relationships or conflicts better, or even consider switching work environments, if possible. 4. Stay active and get rest Exercise and sleep have a positive impact on our brain function and our productivity at work. While our busy lives don’t always make it easy for us to get the optimal amount of activity or rest (in addition to everything else), something is better than nothing. Consider starting small and finding ways to incorporate movement into the workday (such as walking or biking to work, using a stand-up desk or exercise ball instead of a standard chair, or incorporating a walking meeting into your schedule). Sleep is especially important when it comes to our focus, productivity, and creativity at work. Establishing a sleep routine – where we go to bed at the same time every night and wake up at the same time every morning – can help us achieve a more restful sleep. If a routine isn’t possible, there are a number of ways to increase our sleep hygiene that may be easier to incorporate into your schedule. 5. Don’t let obstacles or limitations overwhelm Obstacles and setbacks are a part of everyone’s lives but how we deal with them has a significant effect on our attitude as well as whether or not we are able to overcome them. Remaining optimistic and positive in the face of limitations and obstacles helps us become more resilient. While remaining positive or optimistic in all situations can be difficult, sometimes it’s about finding one small, good thing in the tough moments that are out of our control. For example, many of us commute to work. There are times that we are in a rush and we get stuck in traffic. Rather than allowing this to anger us and start our day off negatively, we can refocus our energy on music, or an audiobook or podcast to bring harmony back into that moment. Shifting our focus from balance to harmony We’ve been conditioned to think that true happiness lies in achieving a balance between our work and our personal lives. But with technology and the shift of work from something that pays our bills to a passion project, balance no longer means what it did 10 years ago. Instead, work-life harmony allows us to think about our lives differently. It becomes less about tipping an imaginary scale and more about the imaginary orchestra you can create. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Female Caregiver Stress: Tips to Take Care of Yourself
There is this idea that women are natural caregivers. Whether or not this is true, in our current society women tend to be responsible for most unpaid labour, such as caregiving for elderly family members and children as well as domestic responsibilities. Although caregiving can be incredibly rewarding, it can also be stressful – female caregiver stress is very common. It’s important for caregivers to remember to take care of themselves in order to be able to effectively care for others in their life. Signs of Female Caregiver Stress It’s easy for caregivers to neglect their own health when they’re focused on caring for others. But long-term stress can have a negative impact on a person’s physical and mental wellness. So, it’s important to pay attention to signs of stress, such as:
Tips to Take Care of Yourself – Managing Caregiver Stress
Remember that you’re not alone. It’s common for caregivers to have a challenging time asking for help which can lead to feeling further isolated, frustrated and even depressed. Final Thoughts While it can be rewarding to be a caregiver, it can also be incredibly challenging and cause a significant amount of stress, especially for female caregivers. This year has been particularly hard on everyone so it’s more important than ever to ensure that we prioritize our own needs so we are better able to support our loved ones. Remember it does not mean you have failed or that you’re weak if you need to reach out for support. We always manage things better as a community. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Feeling Suicidal? How to ask for help
Over the last decade, conversations about mental health and suicide prevention have become more prevalent. More people are becoming aware of the importance of mental health on our overall health. But unfortunately, we still have a long way to go and stigma is still affecting our ability to ask for help when we’re feeling suicidal or struggling at all. It’s important to remember that mental illness or thoughts of suicide are not a sign of weakness or a reflection on your character, and asking for help is an incredible show of strength. Know that you deserve support regardless of what in your brain is telling you otherwise. Also, know that help is available. Even if the first person you reach out to is not as helpful as you hoped, try again. Not everyone has the ability to be supportive and that is not a reflection on you. If you don’t have someone in your personal life you rely on, know that there are always crisis lines and professionals who have the training to provide you with the support you need. Don’t give up on support altogether, even if it takes some time to garner it. How to ask for help when you’re suicidal Many of us may struggle with asking for help when we’re suicidal because we don’t know what to say. We may not know how to express the feelings we are experiencing, and we may not know what we need or what type of support someone is able (or willing) to offer. These conversations are never going to be perfect, and we are never going to find the perfect words – but saying something is better than nothing. So, here are some suggestions on how to start these conversations and help to keep yourself safe. “I am really struggling and don’t feel safe right now, can you stay on the phone with me until I calm down?”
“I am feeling [depressed/suicidal] and I don’t know what to ask for, but I don’t want to be alone right now.” “I’m struggling right now, but I’m not ready to talk about it. Will you help to distract me?”
“I’ve been struggling with my mental health and what I’ve been trying isn’t working. Will you help me make a better plan?” (set a particular time and date to do it)
“Can you check in with me [at a particular time / every day] just to make sure I’m alright?”
“I’ve been really low. Can you remind me of something you like about me?”
Final Thoughts Asking for help when you’re suicidal can be challenging. Often it can be helpful to be blunt and say that you are feeling suicidal so the person you are reaching out to for support can better support you. It’s not easy to ask for help, but it is strong and it is brave and hopefully, the more we talk about suicide the easier it will be for people to ask for help. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My husband has always been short-tempered, but he has become increasingly angry over the past few months. He takes it out on our pre-teen children – he has never gotten physical and does not swear or get otherwise verbally abusive. But he gets easily annoyed and frustrated, and will raise his voice and get upset with them to the point that they don’t want to be around him. His responses are out of proportion to the situations. How can I help him see the damage he is causing? The answer: Anger is a normal, healthy emotion that we all experience at times. Like any other emotion, anger exists on a continuum with varying degrees of severity. The range of emotions may include minor annoyance, irritation or frustration, all the way up to fury or rage. It is important to distinguish the emotional experience of anger (which can be appropriate in some circumstances) from the outward expression of anger (which is often inappropriate, and can lead to damaging, destructive or abusive situations). Anger can serve a useful function in some situations: namely when we are in situations where we are being disrespected, threatened/attacked, or when our boundaries are being crossed. Anger can become unhealthy and problematic when it is mismatched to the severity of a situation, or when it is inappropriately expressed or negatively impacting others – like the situation you seem to be describing with your husband. In these latter types of situations, anger often is a “secondary emotion” – meaning that it may be a sign of another underlying “primary emotion”. Insecurity, fear/anxiety, and depression can often manifest as anger, particularly for men. Given that you have described a recent change in your husband’s behaviour, it may be likely that his anger is reflective of some other emotional experience or stressor. Given that your husband’s behaviour is having a negative impact on your young children, you need to address this with him immediately. You may want to start by having a general discussion about changes you’ve observed over recent months. Be specific and objective in describing the behaviour you have seen, and avoid making assumptions or laying blame (as this will likely just lead to him feeling defensive). Let him know that you want to work with him as a family to create a more supportive and caring environment for your children. Describe the impact it’s having on your children. Ask if he’s noticed that things have felt different or ‘off’ recently, and if there are things that have been bothering him over recent months that you may be unaware of. Take a problem-solving approach where you work with your husband to identify factors that may be contributing to his anger (and work on solving those). Also, try to agree upon some immediate strategies to minimize the impact of his mood on your children (e.g., ask him to go for a short walk to relax before he comes home from work and sees the family). You should remain unapologetic in your expression of behaviours that need to change. Know that there are a range of effective strategies for managing anger, including: identifying trigger factors/situations (and working to reduce those); working to solve underlying issues (e.g., untreated depression or anxiety); learning and implementing relaxation strategies; reducing alcohol or other non-prescription substance use; changing thoughts/interpretations that lead to angry thoughts; and learning more effective/healthy communication styles (e.g., assertive, rather than aggressive communication styles). Note: If there is ever any indication of emotional, verbal or physical abuse – toward you or children – it is important first and foremost to ensure safety of everyone involved. Remove yourself and your children from any potentially dangerous or threatening situation and call The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) for resources in your area. There are a number of useful books on anger management that may be helpful for individuals that are dealing with anger problems, as well as for their loved ones to better understand anger patterns and triggers. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I keep having work dreams. Or should I say, nightmares. How can I make them stop? The answer: Ah, the dreaded workmare. Unfortunately, I have no magic wand to make work-related nightmares stop. The key is to first understand what factors contribute to the types of dreams we all have, as well as the function they serve. The next step is to then work to alleviate the causal factors. Scientific understanding about dreams and their associated meaning is, on the whole, pretty poor. What we do know is that our most vivid and memorable dreams occur during our deepest stage of sleep, known as the REM (rapid eye movement) stage. We also know that there are differences from person to person on how much we dream, or whether we even recall our dreams. The frequency and content of our dreams can be influenced by factors such as what we have eaten on a given day, how much alcohol we have drunk and myriad other physiological factors (for example, nightmares can be a side effect of some medications). We also know – most importantly – that our day to-day life situations have a significant impact on the content and intensity of our dreams. Stressful and, in extreme cases, traumatic life situations are among the most significant psychosocial factors that affect our dreams. Studies that have examined dream content show that we tend to have and recall more negative dreams than positive ones, with the underlying theory being that there is an adaptive function to have threatening dreams. Namely, having nightmares can help us to simulate actual or perceived threatening situations in a safe environment, allowing us to be more psychologically and cognitively prepared for the threats when they come up in life. Pay attention to what stresses you at work but also in your personal life. High levels of stress, as well as perceptions that we are in situations that are unpredictable and over which we have little control, can play a role. Make a list of all the significant stressors in your life. Order these from most stressful to least. Then ask yourself the following questions: Do I have any control over this stressor? What specific action can I realistically take that may help alleviate my stress? Then make an action plan to reduce the stressors over which you have some control. Stress builds when we become passive and immobilized, and taking some action (even if it’s not the “perfect” one) can help tremendously. In addition, having a consistent pre-sleep ritual can help to reduce the intensity and frequency of your nightmares. First, minimize talking or thinking about stressful situations right before bed. Relaxation or meditation strategies can help to slow down both your mind and body. Have a warm bath or listen to soothing music to distract your mind. Avoid reading books or watching TV or movies with upsetting content. If you are woken by a nightmare, get out of bed (staying there will help associate the nightmare with your bed). Do deep, diaphragmatic breathing for five to 10 minutes and then do something relaxing, such as having a warm glass of milk, before you get back into bed. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My mother criticizes my weight every time I see her. I am overweight, but am well aware. Her comments do not help! How can I deal with her? The answer: Our relationship with our mother can be one of the most complex bonds we have. When the relationship is strong, positive and loving it can be a source of tremendous happiness and validation. When the relationship (or elements of the relationship) are less than ideal it can be a source of sadness, anxiety or even anger. As children, we are of course reliant on our parental figures for food, caretaking, safety and security. As we become older and independent, we no longer rely on our parents for these basic needs. Despite this, our need for acceptance and validation often remains strong, even as adult children. As such it can often be difficult to speak directly or assertively to our mothers about difficult topics. A certain amount of “motherly critique” is a normal part of the mother/child relationship. However, repeat criticisms about weight are both unhelpful and disrespectful, and can be damaging to your self-esteem and confidence. The best advice is to address your mother’s criticisms directly and assertively. Let your mother know that her comments are unhelpful, unnecessary and hurtful. Clearly let her know that you would like her to stop making these comments. Respectfully state the consequences if her statements don’t stop. For example, you could let her know that you need to end your visit with her if she begins to criticize you unfairly. The difficult (but important) part will be for you to follow through with the consequences if her behaviour does not change. Here are some tips for speaking with your mother in an assertive way: – Clearly describe the statements she makes that you find hurtful. Be objective, specific, and avoid being judgmental or criticizing her back. – Express how her statements impact you. Don’t assume that she will necessarily understand what the effect has been on you until you tell her. – Directly state what you need to see in terms of her behaviour change. Tell her clearly that you would like her to stop making comments about your weight. – Assert the consequences if her behaviour does not stop. – Express how much you value your relationship with her, and let her know that you are hopeful that things can continue to improve between the two of you. Remember to be clear, direct and do not make any apologies for establishing boundaries in your relationship with her. |
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