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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My family is dealing with very difficult neighbours. It’s causing us so much stress that we are considering moving from our great neighbourhood to a nearby community. At the same time, my wife and I have anxiety over uprooting our young children. I’m tormented over what will be best for our family in the long run. Should we stay or move? The answer: There are two distinct, yet overlapping issues you are faced with: One, the immediate concern of how to effectively approach and personally cope with the situation regarding your neighbours; and two, whether moving your family is the right long-term solution to a possible perpetual problem. It’s going to be difficult to come to a balanced decision about the second issue until you sort out the first. All too often, we tend to adopt knee-jerk reactions when we are put in high-stress situations. In-the-moment-solutions that we come up with seem to be the only viable options we have. Unfortunately, however, our decision-making when under high emotional distress is often skewed, and we don’t consider all of the pertinent factors that would help make a more rational decision. This happens as stressful situations elicit a fight-or-flight response in us, which is a very strongly engrained, adaptive response that ensures survival. However, unless you and your family are in acute danger or threatening situation from your neighbours (which doesn’t sound to be the case), the response may be mismatched to the situation. Start by thinking rationally about your situation. Writing down the issues can often help provide some perspective. Be specific and detailed in outlining the issues you have with your neighbours. Sit down with your wife and do the following:
Currently you are only weighing the pros and cons of a move as being the only solution, but there may be other less intrusive options. Ultimately, if you have exhausted all other realistic possibilities, and if the issues with your neighbours are significant in severity and impact, a move may be the decision you and your wife arrive at for the long-term. Keep in mind that you may encounter a similar problem in a new neighbourhood and that a moving each time is not an effective long-term coping strategy. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Online Counselling Security: Is it Secure and Confidential?
Online counselling provides people with a unique opportunity to easily and efficiently access therapy sessions from the comfort of their own home. In some cases, it may encourage people to seek support who may not otherwise – because of a busy life and logistical demands. But here we are addressing the concerns of online counselling security and the big question – is online counselling secure and confidential? Having a therapy session from the comfort of your own couch is appealing to many, it also brings up natural concerns around security. Security and confidentiality are both important aspects of therapy so it’s a good thing to be thinking about when considering virtual sessions. At Dr. Joti Samra, R.Psych. & Associates, security and confidentiality are very important to us and here we will discuss how we approach these topics in our practice. Confidentiality Confidentiality, for anyone who has not previously been to therapy, is a critical aspect of the therapeutic relationship. Best practice and ethical guidelines for psychologists and counsellors are very clear that information between a client and a therapist cannot be shared with anyone, barring any concerns of safety or acute risk. Confidentiality is an important part of therapy as it ensures people are comfortable sharing personal details about their lives without fear of that information being shared elsewhere. Before starting therapy, the therapist ensures the client understands what confidentiality means, as well as what the limits to confidentiality are and an informed consent form is signed. Just because virtual counselling services are conducted online does not mean they cannot be held to the same standards. We are committed to protecting our patients’ privacy and ensuring that our telehealth services meet the standards for psychological health services via telecommunications, as set out by the Canadian Psychological Association. This includes ensuring that information is kept confidential and that clients fully understand and provide informed consent to treatment. Online Counselling Security When it comes to online services it’s impossible to completely mitigate security risk, but it’s important everyone understands the risks before making a choice. We utilize encrypted secure platforms for the storage of all clinical and identifying information (client’s name, personal information, and clinical charts). We are happy to ensure our clients are comfortable with the process and welcome any questions or concerns about how we approach security. Are you ready to book your online therapy session? If so, get it touch! We’re also happy to provide more information if you have any questions. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I have a friend who is a bit of a control freak. Whenever we’re making plans, she needs to organize. How do I get her to loosen her grip and allow other people to have input and make decisions? The answer: None of us have the power to make anyone else do something or become someone they’re not. So the goal of having her “loosen her grip” is likely going to fail if you target that directly. What we all can do is be mindful of our own limits and boundaries and behave in a way that demonstrates behaviours consistent with how we want to live, and do not inadvertently (or directly) reinforce behaviours in others that we do not want to see. Start by reflecting on what it is that you mean when you say she’s a “control freak.” Global and judgmental phrases (even if they are limited to what you are saying in your own head) are often unhelpful and rarely lead to productive solutions to interpersonal behaviours. Shifting the language we use when we speak to ourselves is much more than just semantics – it has a strong impact on how we view others and, more importantly, shapes our behaviour. What is your friend doing that makes you view her as a control freak? Be specific. Does she want to take the lead in planning where you go? Do things have to be on her schedule? Is she unwilling to entertain others’ suggestions? Imagine that you videotaped your friend’s interactions and were describing only what you could see her doing or saying that makes you think she has a high need for control. This is key: You want to describe her behaviour without being clouded by your assumptions (which may be inaccurate) of what you think her motives are. Also pay attention to what you may be doing to reinforce her behaviour. Do you tend to acquiesce to her suggestions? Do you defer taking the lead in suggesting things to do? Does she take the lead in planning because you are leaving plans until the last minute? Once you’ve examined what she is doing that bothers you and what your contribution may be, articulate for yourself what it is that you would like to see done differently. Write these things down. We get an objectivity when we write things that is different than just letting thoughts swim in our head. Use statements that are focused on things within your control (“I would like to meet for dinner at restaurants that I choose at least half of the time we get together.”). When you have articulated what changes you would like to see, start to shift your behaviour to facilitate this happening. For example, the next time you make plans to get together, suggest where you would like to go and what you would like to do. If she pushes back or tries to convince you otherwise, give her gentle yet respectful feedback (“The last number of times we got together I went to the places you chose, and I’d really love it for us to go to a place I choose this time.”). If she continues to push back, you may need to provide stronger feedback (“I feel frustrated that our plans are almost always what you want to do. It’s really important to me to make sure we both have a say in what we do when we get together. Would it be okay if I made our plans this time?”). Let her know your friendship is important to you and you want the two of you to find a balance that works for both. Ask her for her input as to how she thinks both of you could have your needs met. And involve her in the problem-solving process (“How do you think we can arrive at something that works for both of us?”) as this is more likely to contribute to her level of engagement. Remain respectful yet assertive. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I have been a career woman for over two decades, but I’ve recently been fired (I deserved it, and the industry knows it – no one will hire me now.) I’ve had thoughts of picking up and moving across the world – I’ve got no roots in Canada – but is that just a flighty response? Should I start over at 39? The answer: You are engaging in very black-and-white, catastrophic mindset – a normal way to a view a situation when emotions are high – but I wonder how realistic and accurate your thoughts that “the industry knows it” and “no one will hire me now” are. Ask yourself a few questions: What is the evidence that these thoughts are true? What would I say to a friend in the same situation? Thoughtfully answering these questions may help you to arrive at more balanced, accurate thoughts. That said, losing one’s job falls at the top of the list of stressful life events. You are likely experiencing a range of intense emotions, including worry/anxiety, confusion, sadness, or even anger. Your reaction may be amplified by feelings of guilt (our ability to accept difficult situations is even more challenging when we feel – accurately or not – that our actions contributed directly to the situation). Furthermore, working in a smaller or specialized industry area may worsen the impact if you feel that the news of the firing has spread. My very first suggestion is avoid making any rash decision until you’ve had some time to allow the intensity of your reactions settle. Emotionally-driven decisions often tens to be impulsive. Intense emotions also naturally lead us to experience an intense stress reaction – also known as the “flight, fight or freeze” response. This refers to the three ways we respond when under an acute stressor: by fighting back (retaliating, aggressing), by flight (fleeing, avoiding), or by freezing (becoming immobilized). Your urge to pick up and move across the world sounds like a knee-jerk response to avoid your current situation. This may, right now, feel like the only viable solution. Avoidance actually works as a short-term strategy: it removes us from our present distressing situation and can temporarily reduce any fear/anxiety. This isn’t a long-term strategy, however, as it does not tackle the issues that contributed to the situation to begin with. I don’t mean to suggest that moving away is necessarily the wrong solution. What I am suggesting is that you want to ensure that you are mindful that any decision you do make is approached in a thoughtful, informed manner and not driven by avoidance. I would suggest giving yourself a few weeks to allow the intensity of the situation to go down. Speak to a trusted colleague in the industry may help provide some perspective. Then brainstorm all the possible options you have (in addition to leaving the country) and generate the pros and cons of each before making any decision. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Healthy solitude is beneficial for our well-being. But it can be challenging to set aside time to be alone when we’re in a relationship—especially one with kids.
Time apart can give couples a chance to recharge, to devote time and attention to their own needs separate from the demands of others, and to appreciate their partner. However, if we’re on the receiving end and our partner is getting more time alone than we like or need ourselves, this can lead to resentment. Relationship units In every relationship, there are four separate units we need to identify and nurture: the couple unit, the family unit (including kids and other extended family members), and each partner as an individual unit. When any of these areas are not given adequate time, attention or nurturance, the other units suffer. Relationships, where both couples are aligned with their respective ‘alone time’ needs, are easy to manage. However, if there’s some element of actual or perceived unfairness in the amount or quality of alone time one partner needs or takes, this can lead to resentment. If this occurs, there are a couple of options to reinstate equality: the person taking more time away can be requested to stop, or the person taking less time away can find ways to understand their partner’s reasons and needs, while exploring why this bothers them and working to fill up their own solo time. Generally – and assuming there aren’t trust or other significant issues at play – the latter is a more solution-focused approach. But, this doesn’t mean it will be easy – so, what can we do to manage associated negative emotions? Managing negative emotions First, it is never wrong to feel what we feel. Rather than just expressing those negative emotions (or stewing about them), it’s important to invite those emotions in as a way to enhance our self-reflection about our own relationship needs. Once we do that, we can mobilize those emotions and use them to arrive at a solution-focused outcome. Second, keep in mind that communication is always key. Before you initiate a conversation with your partner about your thoughts and feelings, consider where the resentment is coming from. Is the resentment stemming from jealousy because you want more alone time? Or, is it about wanting to spend more of that alone time with your partner? Consider asking these questions:
Once you have clarified what you feel resentful about missing, set aside uninterrupted time to have an open, authentic conversation with your partner about how you are feeling. Approach the conversation from a place of curious inquiry – try to (neutrally and non-judgmentally) understand what your partners needs are and why the value their alone time so much. Then, brainstorm solutions together that can help both of you have your respective needs met, while minimizing either of you feeling resentful about the others’ needs. Distance makes the heart grow fonder Taking time for ourselves is good self-care. But how much time we need is an individual preference. Have an honest conversation with yourself and your partner about alone time. After all, when our needs are being met, our relationships are happier, healthier, and last longer. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m hearing more and more about relationship agreements – like the one between Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg and his wife – in which partners commit to certain behaviours in a formal document. Do you think this is healthy for a relationship or is it just weird? The answer: Virtually every type of relationship – whether it’s romantic, a friendship or one between a parent and child – has a set of norms. These are implicit or explicit “agreements” that usually develop naturally over time. For couples, these agreements may include such things as who is responsible for which chores, how much alone time/couple time they spend, who handles the finances and so on. These agreements are usually implicit; they tend to be more explicitly articulated when things aren’t working well in some areas. This often manifests in the form of conflict, disagreements or arguments. Healthy couples will, throughout the course of their relationship, negotiate and renegotiate their terms depending on what is happening in their individual and collective lives. For example, when a couple has a baby, often there is a dramatic shift in roles and responsibilities, and a natural and organic shift in relationship “agreements.” These norms or agreements are a healthy part of a relationship. All of us value some element of predictability and control in our lives, and there is something to be said for having relationship expectations articulated, assuming that they are fair, acceptable and demonstrate respect for each partner. The notion of a formal relationship document – a written contract that sets out these details – takes the notion of informal agreements to a whole other level. Certainly the increased complexity of relationships and their configurations necessitates the growing use of written, legally binding documents (i.e., cohabitation and prenuptial agreements) to protect respective partners’ interests in situations of a dissolution, divorce or death. With the divorce rate being as high as it is, couples meeting and and living together or getting married in older age, and the increasing prevalence of blended families, having these types of agreements is prudent – not doing so can have a significant impact on the financial situation of one or both parties. But formalizing in writing the very natural parts of a relationship adds a clinical, cold level to the natural fluidity that can make relationships so wonderful. Drawing up formal relationship agreements is really a statement that speaks to the importance a couple put on one another. But how is this executed in real life? Consider the much-publicized requirement that Priscilla Chan put on Mark Zuckerberg to commit in writing to one date night and 100 quality minutes together a week out of his apartment or Facebook office. What happens if one person is in the hospital for pneumonia for a week? What if a family member dies? What if there is an urgent, non-negotiable work or personal commitment one week? Does 400 minutes one week cancel out what is required for the remaining month? Can you “bank” relationship commitments? Although relationship agreements may work for some couples, articulating roles, responsibilities and each others’ expectations is likely much more effectively done the good old fashioned way – over time and through discussion. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Laura Booiman, CBT Therapist The Science of Self-Care
There is a lot of talk about self-care these days. When thinking of self-care, one might imagine bubble baths, facials and cozying up with your favourite book in front of a fire. However, the stereotypes that are often associated with self-care give this fundamentally important habit a bad rap. While self-care may sound like a luxury, recent scientific studies suggest that it is actually non-negotiable, if we are looking to live long and healthy lives. Below we are going to outline some common myths around the practice of self-care, discuss what the most recent research tells us, and give you some easy, take-home examples that you can incorporate into your daily life. Myths about Self-Care:
What the Research Tells Us:
Practical Ways you can Practice Self-Care:
Final Thoughts about The Science of Self-care Remember, self-care doesn’t have to be perfect. As a clinician, I often tell my clients that it is not about the act itself, but setting the intention. If you slip up, be kind to yourself, and set the intention for self-care at a certain time of day that feels more manageable to you. If this blog resonated with you and you would like to speak with Laura or one of our associates for further support, please Contact Us. Laura Booiman, MSc. (she/her/hers) is a CBT Therapist at Dr. Joti Samra, R.Psych. & Associates. Her clinical training focuses on providing evidence-based cognitive-behavioural treatments to a variety of client’s psychological health needs, including: generalized anxiety disorders; depression; navigating life transitions; and managing stress (generalized and school). Check out her full bio here. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’ve already failed at my New Year’s resolution (to lose weight – I’ve caved to my dessert addiction and gained a pound since January 1). I can’t stop kicking myself and feel like I will never be able to stop gaining. What can I do psychologically to help my willpower? The answer: The start of a new year seems to be a perfect time to make changes in one’s life. About half the population makes New Year’s resolutions, with the most common resolutions relate to weight loss, exercising more, quitting smoking, and improving one’s financial situation. However, research indicates that by July, the overwhelming majority of individuals fail in sticking to their resolution or even remember what they promised to resolve. First of all, keep in mind that you are not alone in both making a resolution and feeling you have failed. Second – and much more importantly – you are taking a very extreme view in your belief that gaining two pounds represents failure of your goal! You simply don’t yet have enough information to evaluate how you have done. So, you need to begin by putting the small amount of “weight gain” you have had in perspective, which likely amounts to nothing more than water retention. Then, take the following steps to increase the likelihood of sticking to this, or any other resolution: Pick an attainable goal The goal should be something that, based upon the life you are living, is something that you can achieve. Ensure that your goal is measureable. To change your goal, you will have to know where you are headed, and how to determine if you are getting/have gotten there. Ensure the goal is realistic and time-limited. You may want to lose 30 pounds, but a realistic goal may be to lose 15 pounds this year and 15 pounds the following year. Set a specific period of time in which you will accomplish your goal. As you accomplish your time-limited steps, you can reward yourself for successes. Remember that small change is better than no change. Get supports as you start to make the change. Identify Barriers Anticipate setbacks. If you have tried to make this change in the past, what got in the way of the change being successful before? Problem-solve the barriers that you have encountered in the past. Identify the pros of not changing the behaviour (this can often help you appreciate why the change has not yet happened). Identify the cons of changing (the reasons the change may be difficult to do). Establish a specific contingency plan for each of the barriers you identify. Implement Change Obtain a baseline of your behaviour. Track your usual activity for a week. This can often help you to identify patterns in your day and help identify times when it would be easier to implement the change. Be aware of the powerful impact that conditioning plays in activity and behaviour. Actively work to change habits that you may have gotten into that are not conducive to achieving your goal. Approach behavioural change gradually. Make small, specific changes. Make a schedule with yourself to build the activity into your day-to-day life. Revisit & Revise Do not get discouraged by setbacks. If you are not on track with the changes you identified, work to identify the barriers. Were your expectations too high? Was the specific goal you set too ambitious? Revise your goal as necessary. Expect & visualize success. Reward yourself Set milestones that can help you track your progress. Ensure that you schedule in regular rewards for each milestone that you achieve. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Darby Eakins, CBT Therapist and certified Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Advisor The Slow Slide into Burnout: A Personal Story
The Crash At first, I was convinced I had food poisoning. Then, fatigue overtook me that was so intense I wondered if I was severely physically ill. “Could it be cancer?” For three days, I could do little more than move from my bed to the washroom and back. My body felt weighted down, I moved slowly, I had a hard time thinking in full sentences. Usually high energy, multi-tasking and energetic, I was a shell of my typical self. I was too tired to even watch Netflix. Sometimes I just stared out the window. Sometimes minutes crawled by. Other times, I lost hours that felt like a blink of the eye. I didn’t know what I wanted at any given moment. “Am I hungry?” (Shrug). “Am I sleepy?” (Shrug). And so it went. I did not cry, at least not at first. I did not have a panic attack. I did not do the things you see on TV when someone crashes and burns. I just stopped. My body would not let me move forward any longer. My brain felt like it was soaked in molasses. I was exhausted. But I was so exhausted, I couldn’t even muster the acknowledgement of my own exhaustion. I just stopped. Like a computer that gets overloaded and freezes, I needed a reboot. “What’s wrong with me? Could this be depression?” Ultimately, I was experiencing burnout (solidified by a trifecta of moral distress, vicarious trauma and compassion fatigue), and it took me 3 months before I was able to resume work again, and another many months to achieve optimal functioning afterward. A Slow BurnIn hindsight, I can see the flags waving to get me to notice what was happening, as I ground myself to a pulp trying to keep my high-wire juggling act going. It happens slowly. Starts with a little misstep here and there, a little lost sleep, a little extra stress, but every time I noticed I was off-balance, I made an excuse and brushed it aside. Have you ever been to one of those “build-your-own frozen yogurt” shops? Where you can select from a range of toppings to add? Have you ever got to the end and put your overloaded cup on the scale to see you owe $30. It was just coconut sprinkles at first, and then the berries, and then the chocolate…oooh, there’s candy! My burnout was like that. Each topping of stress, just a little on top until my cup was overloaded. First, I missed a couple of workouts. “Oh, I’ll get back on track after this big meeting.” Then I stopped running and working out entirely. Then, I stopped packing lunches, or even taking a lunch. Instead, grabbing whatever was fastest to stuff down between meetings. “Oh, this month has been busy, but it will be better next month.” Then I stopped taking breaks altogether. Then I started checking emails before and after work. Then responding to emails after the kids were in bed. Then taking calls and emails on weekends. Then saying “yes” to new projects. Then extending my work days to “catch up.” Then I stopped sleeping. Then I was working until 3 am some nights. Then I was actually trying to be in multiple places at once by responding to emails while on video conferences, or taking meetings in my car while I drove between cities. Just one more topping of stress on top of the other, constantly telling myself “oh it’s just a little on top.” The Tightrope ActI was so excited about a newly created management position, that I returned to work early from maternity leave when my second child was 7 months old. The scope was massive, the expectations high (and sometimes unclear, often shifting). I was up to the task. I was a brand new manager, leading a team of professionals in a subject matter that was new to me. I was up to the task. In the midst of this all, we purchased and moved into a new home with our two young sons – ages 1 and 4. By the end of my first year in the position, I was running several large scale projects, leading a team of professionals, and redesigning various program deliveries in a highly politicized context. I cared deeply about the work I was doing and told myself “eye on the prize” aiming to make a positive impact for the organization. Yet, I was still getting up multiple times in the night with my baby to nurse for the first year of my the position (often checking emails on my work phone, while my baby nursed). The more depleted I became, the more I rationalized. I didn’t know how to ask for help or what to do. I thought it was my own issue and I just needed to learn how to be a better manager. “It’s just a learning curve.” “The organization is just in a time of transition.” “Next month will be better.” “Toughen up.” “Get more efficient.” “Carve out more time.” “Be more productive with the time you have.” “Once this project is done, things will be better.” But I failed to realize that running at 150% at all times, with no balance in wellness is not sustainable. I failed to notice that with each passing month, things got worse, not better. The Perfect Storm No one thing caused me to experience burnout, but an accumulation of things resulted in the perfect storm for my crash: poor leadership and expectations, a lack of support for my growth and development, minimal recognition or reward, minimal involvement or influence, a workload that far exceeded my capacity, depleted harmony between my work and personal life, a sense of isolation and a culture that had constantly changing norms and values all combined with my high work ethic, deep passion for my work, and strong professional conscientiousness and perfectionism over time to completely deplete my resources. Rebooting I took time away from work, I rested, I healed, and I got better. The resources that helped me heal was an interdisciplinary support network, including a robust and well-organized disability management program, a supportive counsellor through the company’s Employee Family Assistance Program, a strong support from my family physician and my family support network, and subsequent leadership coaching provided to me when I returned to work. Almost 2 years after my burnout experience, I’ve now experienced the power of the National Psychological Safety Standard as a practitioner, but also as an employee who benefited from an effective recovery process after experiencing burnout. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
When we fight, I feel like my boyfriend’s goal is to “win” the argument. How can I help him realize this doesn’t help either of us? The answer: Disagreeing with loved ones (whether a partner, friend, or family member) is a normal part of every human relationship. In fact, we tend to argue more with those that are closer to us, often as they tend to see both the good and bad parts of us, they see us during times of stress, and often our defences are much lower with the people we love. Fighting with your partner can be really upsetting, and the frustration is further amplified when one or both partners feel the other is not “fighting fair.” Longterm success of your relationship really depends on how you fight – arguments are healthy when they are focused on coming to effective solutions (ideally) or agreeing to disagree. The reality is that often the way we fight is much more important to the quality of a relationship than what we fight about (many couples I see for couples treatment will recall precise details on the days, times and outcomes of arguments, but it is stunning how often they will forgot what started the fight or what they were fighting about!). I would first ask you to identify (for yourself) how your boyfriend’s style is unhelpful or ineffective. Try thinking of two or three recent arguments you had. Is he focusing on irrelevant issues/parts of the issue that created the disagreement? Is he inappropriately criticizing you? Is he bringing up issues from the past that are not tied to the issue at hand? Is he trying to intimidate you verbally or nonverbally (e.g., getting loud, inappropriate)? I would also ask you to identify what contribution you may be having to the argument that leads him to feel he needs to just focus on “winning”. For example, if he “loses” a fight is that brought up to him in the future? Is he reminded about it incessantly? Does he feel he needs to “win” to be heard? Then, have an open conversation with your boyfriend when you are getting along well, not in the middle of an argument. Start by letting him know that you feel your recent arguments have not ended up well, and that your hope is that the two of you either come to effective solutions or respectfully agree to disagree when you are fighting. Be specific about the things that you observe him to be doing that you think get in the way (don’t blame, just try to be very objective and specific, using examples). Let him know that you realize some of your behaviours may also be contributing (and again, be objective and specific about the things you do). Let him know that you care about him and you want both of you to come to more effective resolutions. Ask him if there are things he thinks you could do differently during arguments. Then make an action plan – where both of you agree to specifically change one or two things about how you approach your next argument. Remember: all communication is bidirectional, and both individuals in an argument play a part in the end result. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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