|
By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  How to support a friend or loved one who is suicidal
A friend or loved one is an important resource and source of support for those who are feeling suicidal. Even if you don’t feel as prepared to support someone you care about through these times, there are ways you can be supportive. Just know that you don’t always have to know exactly what to say or do. Often being present with someone is enough to keep them distracted and safe. As well as being aware of warning signs of when they’re high risk can help ensure they get the support they need during a crisis. The most important thing is to be there for your friend or loved one, and listen without judgment. Validate that their pain is real, and remind them that you are there for them. Ask them what they need, and what would be most helpful for them. If you feel additional support is needed, don’t hesitate to encourage them to seek professional help—and offer to help them do it. Steps to Support a Friend Who is Suicidal So, what are the things you can do to support someone who is suffering from mental health challenges and may be considering suicide? 1 Know the signs. Admitting to someone that you’re struggling is a challenging thing for many people, but sharing that you’re thinking of suicide is often even harder. Many people hold back admitting their thoughts of suicide out of fear of how people will react. So, knowing the signs can help you to provide the appropriate support. Most of the signs are around hopelessness; some of these signs include a preoccupation with death, getting their affairs in order, saying goodbye and withdrawing from others. 2 Listen attentively and without judgement. If someone does come to you with their thoughts of suicide, try to remain calm and listen to them attentively and without judgment. Focus on just being with the individual and allowing them an opportunity to express their emotions without interrupting or giving advice. 3 Start the conversation. Suicide is incredibly challenging to talk about or even raise – so if you are concerned, you can be helpful by asking your loved one gently but directly if they’re suicidal. This lets them know that it’s okay to talk about it with you and creates a space where they can express their thoughts. Be direct and ask if the person is considering suicide rather than hinting at it or implying it. 4 Evaluate their risk. Once someone has shared their thoughts of suicide, it is important to determine their level of immediate risk; are they just thinking that death may be a nice option if it somehow just happened (passive suicidal ideation) or are they actively wanting to do something to hurt themselves (active suicidal ideation)? There are a few questions you can ask to determine their level of risk:
5 How to take action.
Final Thoughts Know that there is only so much you can do to support someone and it can feel defeating if you have done everything you can but the person you care about is still struggling. Do everything you can, but know you can’t do everything. Make sure that you, as a support system/caregiver, are also making time to take care of yourself. Giving to others can be emotionally draining and you are only able to continue to help if you take care of yourself first. Note: if you are struggling to provide support and don’t know what to do at any point, you can also call the suicide crisis line for information, resources and suggestions that can help you to support your loved one. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
At 29, I’m what you’d call “on-paper” successful. I’m in advertising, and I’ve jumped companies more than I count, because I’m always seeking a better pay, better title. Is there anything wrong with that? I just got a promotion, but I’ve already applied at another competing agency. My friends say this is an indication of some deep level of unhappiness – what do you think? The answer: Let me ask you a simple question: do you feel happy in your life right now? The fact that you are driven and wanting to move up in your career at such a young age is not necessarily any indication of any deep-rooted level of unhappiness. Generation Y’ers such as yourself switch jobs more often than any of the generations preceding them. A big part of this is attributable to the nature of work, which has changed tremendously over the past several decades. With technological changes and the associated virtual absence of geographic limits or boundaries, job jumping is much easier due to so many options and possibilities for work than ever before. That said, your friends (and you) are both questioning whether there is anything wrong with what you are doing, so there may be more behind this than meets the eye. You say you are “on-paper” successful. How would you rate your level of success in other parts of your life, such as friendships, intimate relationships, health/fitness, personal development, religion/spirituality? Does your focus on work interfere with your ability to be able to be focused on and have other important parts of your life fulfilled? Think about what your motivations are for being so driven to seek out numerous promotions and job changes. Do you find you are easily bored if you are at one place too long? Do you feel drawn to the excitement and frenzy of moving up quickly and then going on to the next job? Is it a way to distract from other parts of your life that are important to you, but that perhaps are harder to fix? If you feel happy in your life, enjoy your career, and find that you are able to still have time to build other elements of your life that you value and that are important to you, you are in a great position. If you find that your career focus is interfering with other elements of your life that you value and that are important to you, you may need to revisit and revise the way you have been approaching your career and life. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
For the last year my son has been living with me and my current wife. He was taken away from his biological mother’s home because of physical and emotional abuse. Now my son and my wife have power struggles. Anything is a fight, even simple things like doing his chores. And it just gets worse if I try to intervene. It is hard to choose sides: my wife who I love, or my son who is my life. I can’t choose, and it’s harder and harder to have a good home. What can I do to fix this? The answer: I spent a number of years working in child protection, both with parents who perpetrated abuse, as well as with child victims and their non-abusive families. The most important thing is for you to be patient and to be unconditionally there for your son. It will take him time to adjust to a new environment, but most children will test the waters for months or even years before they trust there is consistency and stability in their new environment. And remember that you also do not have to choose sides – your wife holds a certain role in your life, and your son holds another. As you’ve seen with him, the impact of any kind of abuse – physical, sexual, verbal or emotional – can be devastating, particularly when it’s directed toward a child during their formative years. Children manifest the impacts of abuse in myriad ways. Some tend to internalize the effects and withdraw (low mood, isolation, worry, anxiety). Physical symptoms (tummy aches, headaches, generally not “feeling well”) can be common manifestations. Others tend to externalize and demonstrate mood lability – that is, up-and-down mood swings, anger, verbal (and even physical) aggression. These behaviours, particularly aggressive behaviours, serve a self-protective goal: They protect children from being hurt again. All of these behaviours have an underlying thread of emotional pain and fear. As the abuse was perpetrated by his mother, it also is very likely that your son is experiencing difficulties in trusting female caregivers. Your son has had his worldview of them shaped by his previous experiences. He has associated a mother figure with someone who inflicts hurt and harm, and they cannot be trusted to be nurturing and protective. This is all translates into rebellion against your wife’s parenting attempts. Furthermore, he may be viewing your attempts to intervene as an implicit message that you do not understand or support him. The way that you should approach this depends on where your son is at developmentally. Ensure that you are spending one-on-one time with him, and try to understand how is doing emotionally. If he is capable of verbalizing his behaviours, find out what is motivating them. Are there certain triggers (the words your wife uses, or non-verbal behaviours such as her tone or stance) that he is reacting to? What changes would make the relationship more comfortable for him? Speak to your wife separately; I assume that she is not engaging in any inappropriate behaviour. Tell her that you love her and are motivated to do what you can to improve the situation between her and your son. Pay attention to whether there are behaviours she may inadvertently be engaging in that are triggering your son. She is likely – and understandably – frustrated with your son’s behaviours and may be implicitly communicating her frustration. Ensure that she knows you are there to support her, as she may be feeling isolated and helpless. Establish age-appropriate consequences for your son’s behaviours. It is very natural to want to overcompensate for his biological mother’s past abuse by being overly lax with consequences, but children need structure and natural outcomes to behaviours both good and bad. Contact the child protection agency that has been involved with your son to see if counselling supports are available for him – and also importantly, for your family. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dominic Brennan, RCC  Everyday personal and workplace stress. The choice is yours!
I was wondering the other day if my everyday personal and workplace stress could talk to me, what it would say? But I guess, if I’m under stress, I wouldn’t take the time to listen. I’m a closed system, I’m a man and I’m probably the victim here! It’s got nothing to do with me! If only everyone knew what I was going through! I’m smart and I have got it together, they don’t! That’s how we mostly cope with stress, I guess, and it gets us through but at a cost, sometimes a very high cost. It wrecks our work, our personal life and ultimately our own health and well-being. It can even be fatal or lead to incarceration by doing something we regret. The stress emotions take over. It happens every day, globally and it’s not culture-bound. Hello and welcome to my first blog. My name is Dominic Brennan and I am a Registered Clinical Counsellor with Dr. Joti Samra, R.Psych & Associates. I’m hoping I can connect with men through my blogs. With this quick read, I aim to bring awareness to various issues men face. My Experience with Stress Myself, having risen through the corporate ranks to senior positions, where I was in charge of thousands of employees and managing billions of dollars worth of assets, I experienced a lot of workplace-related stress. Then I switched careers into mental health and wellness, and that along with a cross-culture marriage and raising two children motivates me to work with men on issues surrounding mental health and wellness. I feel it’s the time to support men on their journey, as, without mentors, coaches, and the willingness to listen, I would not be where I am today. Not without stress, but managing it so that it works for me in a healthy way. Let’s go back to the first thought about what my stress would say if it could talk to me. Dominic, if only they knew what I was going through! Why can’t they think like me! They have no idea what they’re talking about! Look at them! I need to show how good I am! It’s my bosses that have no idea what they are talking about! Our clients are so unreasonable! My partner has no idea what I am doing for the family and our well-being! The kids and pets need too much from me sometimes! I wish my mates thought like me! I don’t need to talk to anyone about my issues as I’m fine! I can teach them a thing or two! What a bunch of cowards and weaklings they are! The list could probably go on. I’m sure I have missed many (unhelpful) self-talks! The Impacts of Stress When stress talks to us in these ways, it’s dominating and controlling us. Most of the negative things happening in our life can be underlined with the word stress. This type of stress, particularly when it’s ongoing, can lead to; angry outbursts and being argumentative, alcohol/ drug misuse, excessive worry and/or anxiety, overeating or undereating, disturbed sleep or insomnia, broken relationships at home and at work, physical pain, health conditions such as heart disease and cancer, and overall poor quality of life. This can lead to eternal unhappiness, grumpiness and resentment! When overly stressed and not managing it effectively we may get nasty; we get mad at things regardless of how small, we miss golden opportunities of career growth, miss the opportunity of having a loving relationship and family. As a result, we live with the hope that other people will see things the way we do which leads to huge amounts of frustration and banging our heads against the wall. Phew! That even stresses me out to think about. Time for a drink perhaps?!!! (Just kidding: of note, alcohol is not an effective coping response and often creates more issues than it solves.) Managing Personal and Workplace Stress Well, what can we do about it? The first thing is to go back to the first question raised. What would stress say to me and then ask what is stress doing in my life? For most of us, stress is having all the negative impacts on us mentioned above. It not only negatively impacts our mental wellness but our physical health as well. What we need is the skills to more effectively manage our stress as well as the opportunities to discuss our feelings. For us men, we often don’t want to hear from anyone that we need counselling, not from a loved one or from company human resources. We don’t want to hear that we need to talk to someone about our anxiety and/or stress or that we have to seek anger management support, mandated, or not. We have it together, we believe. And again, we are back to the closed system, that many men seem to be. Where do we men go from here? To be stress free! I feel most of the time counselling isn’t the right word for issues men face. Generally, I feel men simply need an open ear to process what’s going on in their lives. While also learning to let the person give food for thought, provide potential solutions and options for consideration, and perhaps some cognitive restructuring (that must be from a professional by the way). Opening up about challenges in our lives helps men manage their stress and reduce it to a level that doesn’t hurt us or those around us but rather lifts us up, and motivates us to see another way of doing things. Positives Associated with Opening Up The few men that aren’t closed systems, either naturally or have had the right support, tend to be leaders at work and in their families. They’re generally mentally healthy and resilient, they lift others up, they’re able to discuss experiences and roadblocks, they’re able to receive feedback, and find solutions from others about how to become what they want to become and be in a position of acceptance. Yes, we can live in the present and not be overly stressed about what’s happened in the past or what may happen in the future. Yes, we can get on with everyone if we want to and know how to. Some seem to have it all together naturally, and yet they still seek mentorship, feedback, coaching and support on their journey to keep them on track. Their success is a direct result of this support (they didn’t do it alone). We can all be more stress-free if we become less of a closed system and allow the spirit of “It’s Good to Talk!” into our lives. Final Thoughts Stress is a natural part of our lives both at home and at work. While a small amount of stress can be motivating, when we don’t effectively manage our stress or talk about our challenges, it can easily become overwhelming and damaging in our lives. For men, counselling may not be the most effective word when it comes to dealing with stress and other challenges they face but opening up can make a significant difference in all of our lives. The right professional is there to help you see there are choices on how we live our lives and if you’re interested in changing, they can help you make that change. The choice is yours! By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I have a really hard time saying no to people but realize it’s time to be more assertive. Are there specific strategies to help me do this? The answer: Assertiveness – being able to respectfully communicate your ideas, feelings and needs, while at the same time balancing the needs of others – is often easier in theory than in actuality. Assertive behaviour is quite different from passive behaviour (not standing up for your rights, or not expressing your needs and feelings) and aggressive behaviour (pushing for your own needs at the expense of others, or not allowing others to express their needs). What makes it so hard to be assertive? Our upbringing, values and personality all play a role. If you grew up in a home where you were not permitted to express your needs, or if those requests were met with an aggressive, dominating or abusive response, chances are over time you learned to quiet your own voice. If you place strong value on “maintaining the peace” when it comes to relationships, you may (incorrectly) view an expression of your needs as being incompatible to that end goal. Or, if you are shy and introverted, it may be hard for you to voice your desires in interpersonal situations. Societal stereotypes and cultural expectations also factor in – for example, women often have a harder time being assertive in some situations than men, and individuals from certain backgrounds, such as Asian cultures, may be taught that being assertive is a non-desirable trait. What you need to keep in mind is that assertive behaviour is fundamentally respectful behaviour – it balances your rights with the rights of others, without putting one above the other. People often feel better about themselves when they are assertive, and others will demonstrate more respect for the person too. And remember, being assertive is not incompatible with being kind or empathetic. Here are five tips on how to build your assertiveness and learn to say no: 1. Identify the situations in which you would like to be more assertive. Being able to anticipate the scenarios where you would like to change your behaviour is the first step. 2. Identify your personal barriers. Think about the reasons it is hard for you to say no, and ask yourself if those assumptions are valid and accurate. Challenging the thoughts that interfere with your ability to say no can help you move forward; for example, if you believe that saying no makes you difficult to get along with, ask yourself if that is really true, and find other pieces of evidence that are incompatible with that belief. 3. Specifically articulate what you would like to say and think about why that is important to you. One of the hardest things about saying no is that “no” alone doesn’t capture the spirit of why you need to be assertive, and it can sometimes come across as rude. So, if you have made plans with a friend to see a show on Sunday night, rather than just saying “no,” add in the reason: “I’d love to see you, but I’m going to have to decline. I’ve realized I really need to get a decent night’s sleep before the work week starts, otherwise I’m wrecked for the day! How does the Tuesday early show work?” 4. Get feedback from a trusted friend. Receiving an objective opinion on how you want to communicate your needs can help you reshape your words/messaging if needed. Ask for feedback your words, tone and posturing. Non-verbal communication is hands down the most important part of how we communicate. 5. Practice, practice, practice! Visualize yourself saying no, practice in front of the mirror, and try it out in neutral situations that have a low risk for harm (with wait staff at a restaurant, a sales clerk at a store). Practice makes perfect, and part of the challenge is just becoming comfortable saying words that may feel unfamiliar to you. Then, go for it. Try saying no in situations that matter to you – you will probably learn very quickly that the sky will not fall down once you begin asserting your needs. The only qualification is that if you have taken a very passive role in certain relationships, it may take others a little bit of getting used to the new you. Note: If you are in any abusive relationship, assertive behaviour may not be sufficient to protect yourself. In this situation, seek out professional help and advice on how to proceed. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Psychiatric medications are one of the most commonly prescribed classes of medication. Every year, up to 1 out of 5 adults will be prescribed medications for mood and often end up taking them for the long-term. Medications can be helpful when symptoms of anxiety or depression – the most common mental health issues – are acute and severe. However, long-term use is often not required, needed or even recommended. If we are taking medications for mood, and as symptoms improve, it’s wise to consider whether ongoing use is needed – particularly given the unpleasant side effects. Any changes to medications should always be discussed with your physician, but it can be helpful to go into these conversations armed with information.
What causes anxiety and depression? For most people, the emergence of anxiety or depression symptoms is the result of a complex interplay of multiple factors, which include:
The way we think about the world (our thoughts) and the way we cope with stress (our actions and behaviours) also play an important role in whether – and to what degree – we will manifest the emotional state of depression. Although there is little empirical support that anxiety or depression are exclusively caused by a biochemical imbalance, biochemistry does play a role. The efficacy data on the use of antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications are also very clear: they are most effective and recommended when symptoms are moderate to severe – primarily to assist with improving what is called the vegetative (or physiological) symptoms that accompany anxiety and depression – such as sleep or changes in appetite. When symptoms are less intense, non-pharmacological interventions such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) are recommended. Contrary to popular belief, long-term, permanent use of psychiatric medications is not recommended or even needed – and can lead to other side effects and problems. In fact, an extended duration of time during which mood is consistently stable, combined with significant changes in psychosocial circumstances and external stressors is often an indication that psychiatric medication use can be reduced, if not eliminated altogether. Safely reducing or eliminating medications If you feel that you are ready to reduce or eliminate the psychiatric medications that you are taking, here are three things to keep in mind before making any decisions on your own. Enlist the support of a mental health professional who can offer insights into the psychosocial factors that played a contributing or exacerbating role for you. They can also help build a relapse prevention plan – with a heavy focus on preventative strategies that can help you manage symptoms from a non-pharmacological perspective. Any reduction of medications should be done in close consultation with a physician so that the side effects of both the reduction in medication, as well as close monitoring of symptoms can be conducted. Then, if you decide that reducing the medication is the right next step for you, make sure to involve your partner or get the support of a close friend or family member. Having the support of another can help you to identify and manage any symptoms that emerge as a result of the tapering off process. Remember that not everyone is reliant on medications for their lifetime, but there is no shame if they are required. Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I recently had my second child – shouldn’t this be a happy time for a mother? But I feel lost. It’s like I’m not living my own life any more. Is that normal? What should I do? The answer: Having a baby can be one of the happiest moments in life … yet it is also high on the list of stressful life events. Most women experience myriad emotions after giving birth – excitement, happiness, elation and joy. In addition to the usual (expected) positive emotions, many women also experience low or sad mood, tearfulness, frustration or a sense of emptiness. These negative emotions are often a surprising reaction to what most feel should be a unilaterally happy event. This experience, however, is extremely common. As many as 75 per cent of moms will experience the “baby blues,” which in addition to low mood can also include a general feeling of flatness or emptiness. Unfortunately, however, many feel a sense of shame in terms of talking about their negative emotions. There are a number of factors that contribute to the baby blues. The delivery and postpartum process leads to significant hormonal changes. Progesterone levels – which play a role in mood, energy and libido, among other things – decrease dramatically to allow milk production to begin. There is a significant increase in adrenalin during delivery, and then a crash afterward. This, combined with the physical demands of birth and the associated sleep deprivation, understandably leads to a major impact on mood. In addition, there are substantive life changes that come along with the responsibility of caring for another human life. This can be compounded by already having one baby and can, not uncommonly, lead moms to feel overwhelmed and lost. Most women find that their mood will lift within a few weeks as they get used to the baby and their new schedule, as hormone levels stabilize, and as mom and baby get into a routine. Talking about how you are feeling to those that are close to you can help. Joining a moms’ baby group in your community can provide you with additional support and may help you feel that what you are experiencing is normal. Ask those close to you for help in day-to-day things that feel overwhelming (housecleaning, grocery shopping, meal preparation). Build in short windows of time in which your partner or other trusted friend or family member can watch the baby while you get some time to yourself. Build in self-care activities, such as taking an uninterrupted bath, going for a walk or getting a massage. If you are persistently feeling low, flat or empty for more than a month, you may benefit from seeking professional assistance. About one of 10 women will develop clinical levels of depression that are important to treat early on. Ask yourself if you are feeling low or flat more often than not for weeks or longer. Do you have a loss of interest in usual activities and things that you would normally enjoy? Are you experiencing significant appetite changes, persistent anxiety or pervasive irritability? If so, speaking to your nurse, midwife, doula or family doctor is important. They may suggest a referral to a mental health professional, such as a psychologist or psychiatrist. If at any point you feel you are at risk to harm yourself or your baby, immediately seek help and call 911. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth
The question: I told a friend about a job I was applying for. The opportunity excited her, and she asked if she could apply too. I said okay, but I’m really ticked now and feel like I can’t trust her. Can our friendship be salvaged? The answer: Let me get this straight: You tell your friend about the job that you want; she directly approaches you and asks for your permission to apply; you say yes, but now you don’t trust her? I am confused! I’m unclear how or why this has created a trust issue – trust is broken when one deceives, misleads or betrays us. Unless I’m missing something, none of these instances apply to this situation. It sounds as though you are more upset with yourself than anything else, and that your frustration with the decisions you made (to tell your friend about the job, to say yes she could apply) is being projected on her. Ask yourself honestly whether the issue relates to anything your friend has done or said. I suspect the decision you are most upset about is, in the spur of the moment, replying “okay” when she asked about applying as well. Ask yourself why you said “okay” when you more likely meant to say “no,” so that you don’t do it again if you are ever in another similar situation. Are you a people-pleaser who easily succumbs to others’ requests? Do you hate disappointing your friends? Do you find it uncomfortable when someone is upset with you? Once you identify what the factors are, you will know how to move forward in an effective manner. Now, whether or not you can salvage your friendship – yes, of course you can. The best policy is honesty – you don’t want to move forward in your friendship with the elephant still in the room. Be proactive, short and to the point. Tell your friend there’s something that is bugging you, and take responsibility for your contribution. You could say something like: “I have to just put something out there about the job we both applied for. I know when you asked me about applying, I said ‘yes,’ but I realized after that I was actually super excited about the job and really wanted it. So I said ‘yes’ when I didn’t really mean it. That’s my fault, and I really respect that you asked if it was okay if you could apply. Anyway, I don’t want the job to get in the way of our friendship and I want to move on. I just wanted to let you know where I was at.” Then, do move on. For all of us, hindsight is always 20/20. Pay attention to the lessons you have learned about yourself. And above all, don’t let a job get in the way of a friendship that you value. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The Question:
My friend is convinced she has wrinkles and needs to get botox. She has absolutely no wrinkles that I can see (in fact, her skin is wonderful). I am concerned about her warped perception of her appearance. Why can’t she be happy with how she naturally looks? The Answer: A woman's relationship with her appearance is one of the most complicated relationships she will encounter in her lifetime. The relationship is mitigated by a number of factors, that includes a strong sense of self, confidence in other traits and attributes she possesses, and her overall sense of happiness. Our modern day society, however, is wreaking havoc on the self-image of even the most secure women, and I am seeing in increasing number of particularly younger, objectively attractive women in my practice who are consumed with undergoing procedures to further enhance how they look. I think this is an artifact of a number of factors. We live in the age of a technological revolution where we are literally bombarded with myriad images, on every medium and form, that set expectations for what society’s ostensible “standards” are for beauty. One would be hard pressed to find a television show or film without a star that has either privately or – as is the current trend – publicly pronounced the cosmetic surgeries she has had. Gone is the shame and stigma with undergoing enhancement procedures. And, gone are the days where cosmetic surgeries were only for the very rich and famous. The last decade has witnessed an explosion of the range of available cosmetic procedures and clinics, and the drastic drop in costs has made many of these services accessible to the every-woman. Virtually all of us engage in some element of appearance enhancement – ranging from the clothes we wear, the grooming practices we engage in, and the makeup we put on. A decision to engage in something more significant (and arguably not benign in terms of long term health impacts) is a very personal decision. As a friend, your job is to support and not judge your friend for the very personal decision she is making; however, as a friend, it is also your job to (respectfully and kindly) express the concern you have to her. Start a dialogue with her about her reasoning for wanting to get botox. Most importantly, listen to her reasons, as that may give you an indication whether her decision is a temporary knee-jerk reaction to fleeting insecurity or unhappiness, or if it is a well-thought out, considered decision to engage in a procedure, fully understanding the potential risks. If the former, try to listen to support your friend as best as you can and ask her what you can do to help. Encourage her to defer the decision until she is in a better place emotionally. If the latter, focus on keeping your opinions to yourself, and maintaining the friendship. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My common-law partner and I have both had previous marriages. I’ve always wanted to marry again, but he refuses to even speak about the possibility. He pulls away emotionally and physically each time I’ve asked. Why can’t he get over the past and start fresh with me? I’m ready to be a wife again. The answer: For all of us, what we value and want in life is shaped significantly by our past experiences. Our history makes us who we are and – right or wrong – has a bearing on the future decisions we make. There’s no area in which this applies more than in our relationships. Humans are, to the core, social beings. We want, need and thrive from our social connections. Family, friends and intimate relationships are all important, yet distinct elements in the social network that surrounds us. Of our varied connections, intimate relationships are perhaps the most complex, confusing and crazy-making. These are also the relationships that have the potential to bring us an immense happiness and joy. Unfortunately, today’s relationships are more complex (for a range of societal reasons) than the relationships of decades ago. People are much more likely to see divorce as an acceptable option to a failing relationship; both men and women are waiting longer to get married; women are willfully not having children; and many choose co-habitation in the absence of legally being married. I don’t see your biggest issue as being the difference in value you and your partner place on the legal institution of marriage. Many couples are able to come to a mutually acceptable decision to agree to disagree on important relationship points. The bigger issue is the manner in which the two of you are communicating – or not communicating – about these differences. You make the assumption that his disinterest with marriage is reflective of his inability to get over his past. There is a good chance that this is a faulty interpretation. Have you tried to ask him about his reasons for not wanting to get married? Perhaps his experience was that the legal entity of marriage offered no added value to his past relationship? Perhaps it added financial and logistical complexity that he does not want to deal with again in your current situation? Perhaps he perceived marriage as having a constraining, negative and destructive influence on his relationship? Conversely, does he understand (and have you been able to fully articulate) the reasons you want to get married again? Do you feel that marriage would offer you a commitment and stability that isn’t currently in your relationship? Ask yourself if there are things he can do or say that would provide you the key elements you think marriage would offer. It could be that the bigger issue is not the difference of opinions on marriage, but other fundamental difficulties in your relationship that need to be solved. I would encourage you to have an open conversation about your positions on marriage. You both need to truly understand each other’s perspectives and ensure you have the same long-term vision of your relationship for it to work. Remember that getting married is no guarantee that the relationship will be a fulfilling or lasting one – similarity and respect for your individual and joint values and goals are. Ultimately the issue of marriage may become a deal-breaker for one of you, but try to be open to the idea that you can both have what you want in a relationship in the absence of it. Who knows, open conversation may even result in one of you making a willful shift in your ideals. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
PH&S ClinicEnhancing psychological health, wellness and resilience Archives
August 2024
Mental Health
All
|
RSS Feed
