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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I recently have had a string of deaths in the family, all from cancer. Now I stress out about every little bump on my body. I’ve been to the doctors, who say I’m fine, but I’m still anxious all the time. What can I do to not feel crazy? The answer: My sincere condolences on the deaths in your family. I’ve had multiple family members deal with cancer diagnoses, some at a very young age, and can personally appreciate the significant emotional toll it takes on everyone, including close family and friends. To be feeling stressed and worried about your health is very normal given the circumstances. Our emotions – positive and negative – all serve a purpose. They provide us with validation about things that are important to us, they motivate us toward action, and they communicate things to people around us. In your case, your anxiety is providing your brain and body a few messages: First, cancer is a reality that could affect anyone. And secondly, there is value in being attentive to your health, and obtaining a professional opinion on risks or concerns you may have. Your worry is also helping to communicate to your loved ones – from whom you may need support – that you are feeling sad about those you’ve lost and that you have concerns about your own health and possible mortality. In all cases, there is a shelf life on the value our worry has. Worry (or any other negative emotion) is helpful insofar as it serves a useful function. It sounds as though you are recognizing that you are past a stage that is helpful. You have sought medical advice, which I will assume has included a comprehensive medical checkup from a physician you trust, and had your concerns allayed. To be in a state where you are overly stressing or ruminating about any minor change or bump even when you have been told there is nothing to be concerned about is clearly not serving a useful role, and it is impacting your quality of life. Once worry starts, it can easily grow exponentially simply being fed by our (often unrealistic) thoughts. So, it’s important to actively work on challenging your thoughts and making them more realistic. Ask yourself (and write down) the answers to the following key questions when you find yourself getting caught in a state of worry:
I’ve co-authored a book that you can download for free titled Positive Coping with Health Conditions. It offers useful, evidence-based chapters on relaxation strategies, managing worry, and managing depressive thinking (which can often be a side effect of worry). These chapters offer cognitive and behavioural strategies that have been proven to reduce worry. Another great book is Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think, by Drs. Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m in my late 20s and have been married for close to two years. About 6 months ago, my in-laws decided to downsize and bought a townhouse on our street. While I respect and care for my husband’s family, I don’t appreciate living so close to his parents. I don’t feel like we have the same privacy any more. They show up unannounced and my husband is always visiting there. No one seems to think it’s an issue but me. How can I make this living situation work without building resentment? Or is it time for us to move? The answer: Uh oh, sounds like a case of too close for comfort is brewing. Navigating the waters with family – particularly in-laws – requires a tremendous amount of patience, tact and compromise. It is good that you are recognizing the potential for issues early on, before they have a detrimental impact on your relationship with your husband and his parents. There used to be a time when extended families, or living in close proximity to one another was the norm. This has shifted dramatically for a range of societal reasons. There are certainly benefits to having family live close by, such as having social supports nearby, being able to stay connected and foster a closer relationship, and being able to mutually support each other (e.g., as parents age, or if you and your husband have children). There is also, as you are recognizing, the potential for things to go awry, such as the invasion of your privacy and independent space, perhaps unrealistic expectations on everyone’s end of how much contact there should be, and a reduction in the one-to-one quality time you and your husband spend together. This can lead to frustration, resentment, and anger. You need to start by having an open conversation with your husband, being respectful and sensitive to the fact that these are his parents. Ask him how he feels about how things are going with the new living arrangement (he may surprise you by also feeling torn about how to deal with the proximity). Let him know what your concerns are. Start by emphasizing that you have two important goals: one, that you and he continue to have a strong and happy relationship with his parents; and two, that you want to ensure you and he – as your own family unit – continue to thrive as a couple and don’t have unnecessary conflict over family. Be mindful of focusing on the positives that there inevitably are of having them close by, as I suspect it is not all negative. I would suggest giving it a fair go of continuing to live where you do, but establishing some clear boundaries. Try to articulate what you specifically want. For example, rather than saying to your husband “I don’t want you going over there every other night” say, “I’d like you and I to have dinner together on weekdays so that we can catch up and spend time together.” If your in-laws drop by unexpectedly, you could say, “we love seeing you, but we’d really appreciate if you could call first just to make sure we are free to visit and not in the middle of something.” If subtle attempts to shift expectations don’t work, then your husband is the one who needs to have a more direct conversation with his family about setting the parameters for behaviour. If you start that discussion, there is the high likelihood you will be viewed as the “bad guy.” Be patient and give it a period of about six months to see if things get better. If not, then you may need to have discussions with your husband about whether moving is logistically the best option to maintain the overall happiness of everyone in your family. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Having a baby can be one of the happiest moments in a person’s life … yet it’s also high on the list of most stressful life events.
Most women experience myriad emotions after giving birth – excitement, happiness, elation and joy. In addition to the usual (expected) positive emotions, many women also experience low or sad mood, tearfulness, frustration or a sense of emptiness. These negative emotions are often a surprising reaction to what most feel should be a unilaterally happy event. This experience, however, is extremely common. As many as 75% of moms will experience the “baby blues,” which in addition to low mood can also include a general feeling of flatness or emptiness. Unfortunately, however, many feel a sense of shame in terms of talking about these negative emotions. What causes the baby blues? There are a number of factors that contribute to the baby blues:
But, what are some things new mothers can do to help lift their mood following childbirth? Managing Negative Emotions Following Childbirth Here are five tips for managing negative emotions following childbirth:
When should mothers get further support? If a new mother is persistently feeling low, flat or empty for more than a month, they may benefit from seeking professional assistance. About one in 10 women will develop clinical levels of depression that are important to treat early on. Here are some questions a new mother can ask herself to determine whether or not she needs the extra support:
If at any point you feel you are at risk to harm yourself or your baby, immediately seek help and call 911. Remember it is normal to feel low or have negative emotions after child birth, and it’s good to talk about it. It always helps to get support early. Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My teenage daughter is always late, and it drives me crazy. She’s not a bad kid at all. But the moment I ask her what time she’ll be home, what time I can pick her up, what time she’ll be ready for dinner, she is never on time. The added frustration is that she’s not late by hours or anything – more like 20 to 30 minutes. So she always chalks it up as no big deal. Why can’t she see how wrong it is to be late? What can I do? The answer: As human beings, we are pretty simple creatures – much of our behaviour is driven by the consequences that follow. We continue to do things that feel good and are followed by positive outcomes (positive reinforcement), or the removal of a negative outcome such as nagging (negative reinforcement). Conversely, we tend to gravitate away from things that are followed by negative consequences (punishment) or when something that was previously reinforcing is removed altogether (extinction). Of all of the reinforcement schedules, positive reinforcement is the most powerful and, contrary to popular belief, punishment is the most problematic. It can lead to other negative responses such as resentment or anger, particularly when it relates to parenting. Not surprisingly, consequences that immediately follow behaviours (short-term consequences) tend to be more powerful predictors of behaviour than those that are delayed by hours, days or years (long-term consequences) – particularly for kids and adolescents, where the ability to delay gratification is still being developed. The issue you are faced with is not how to convince your daughter that her behaviour is wrong – after all, “wrong” places a judgmental value on a behaviour that, as you have said yourself, is not bad so much as it is frustrating. And – as anyone with a teen can attest – you can try to talk, talk, talk all you want to convince your teen that you are right, but that and a toonie may only get you a cup of coffee on a good day. What you need to do is ask yourself how you are reinforcing her behaviour. And then stop. Immediately. Put yourself in your daughter’s shoes for a moment. If you were her, and you were picked up on time, dinner was ready and waiting, and not a moment of your precious teenage time was spent waiting around for the parental chauffeur-chef, what motivation would you have to change? For the next month, do the following: Since she is consistently 20 to 30 minutes late, don’t show up for at least 35 to 45 minutes after she had requested a pick-up (assuming, of course, none of these are safety-sensitive situations, such as a late-night party). If she provides a time for dinner and doesn’t show up, put away her food when she is late, so that she can warm it up on her own when she gets home. Be consistent in your behaviour, and execute it with a smile on your face. It likely won’t take too long before she realizes waiting around may be a bigger deal than she thought. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. The question:
I’ve been taking a low dose birth control pill for about a year now and I’m wondering how much of an effect the hormones can have on my mood. I’ve always suffered from mild anxiety, but lately I just don’t feel like myself. I could be fine one minute and the next I feel a rush of anxious energy, worry and sadness. Could it be the pills and should I stop taking them? The answer: Virtually any pharmaceutical – particularly one that is focused specifically on hormonal regulation – has the potential to impact mood. Sadness, anxiety, as well as irritability or sleeplessness are among the most common potential consequences. Speaking to your family doctor about the changes you have noticed is an important first step. There may be a pill that is a better fit for your body, or alternative forms of birth control may be options to consider. It is equally important for you to consider other situational or life events that may be impacting your anxiety. Interestingly, as humans we generally tend to be pretty poor and often inaccurate in our attributions of what factors affect our emotional and physical health. This can be chalked up to a case of being “too close to home” when it comes to factors that affect us. You say you’ve always suffered from mild anxiety – do you have a sense of what factors (situations, scenarios, concerns, people) contribute to the anxiety for you? Putting pen to paper and articulating in writing the personal contributors is a good way to gain some insight. What is going on in your life right now? Pay attention to changes that may be exacerbating your anxiety. Relationship conflict, work stress and financial concerns tend to be the most common culprits. Even positive life events – such as a having a baby, getting a promotion, or moving – tax our physical and emotional resources and can lead to our body feeling “stressed” (our body doesn’t discriminate between good stress and bad stress!). How is your health generally? Have you been exercising? Eating relatively balanced meals? Getting adequate amounts of sleep? Targeting these areas if they have fallen short, and also minimizing alcohol use, is important. The best way to make sense of triggers and contributing factors to your mood is to keep a daily diary for a week or two. Start from when you wake up, and make an hourly (or close to) entry of the following: your mood, what you are doing, and any particular thoughts you are aware you have been having. Review this with your family doctor, and ensure you have had an up to date physical examination as other health issues (e.g., anemia, thyroid dysregulation) could also be playing a role. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. The question:
Should I date my co-worker and mix business with pleasure? I take my work seriously but I’m torn because I don’t want to pass up the opportunity of meeting someone great either. Office romances seem to work for some, but could I be complicating matters? The answer: Ah, the office romance: tempting, and (potentially) highly troublesome. Good on you for approaching this cautiously and thoughtfully – as the best thing you can do is weigh the pros and cons and have an open conversation with your co-worker/romantic interest before anything ensues. There are a number of considerations when it comes to work, the object of your affection, and your knowledge of yourself. With respect to work, how closely do the two of you work together and what is your professional relationship? Dating a co-worker who works on a different floor in a company of 300 is different than dating someone whose cubicle is next to yours in a startup company of 10. What is your reporting relationship? If either of you are in a position of power (i.e., supervisory or potentially evaluative role), it’s probably best to not go down that road. And, how important is this position to you? Are you on a time-limited contract where you see an end in sight to your position, or is this a permanent role and an employer you foresee staying with for the long-term? What do you know about your co-worker? What are the qualities that you are attracted to? Is this someone who makes dating co-workers a habit? Is it just a short-term infatuation/physical attraction, or from the information you have is this truly someone you could see in your life for a period of time? Finally, be brutally honest with yourself and how you are in relationships. Past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour, so ask yourself how you have dealt with relationships that didn’t work out in the past. Are you someone who is able to stay grounded and remain cordial with those you have dated? Are you someone who becomes overly attached very quickly, and becomes highly emotional or upset when even short-term dating situations don’t work out? If, after considering the above, you feel that the benefits of pursuing this relationship outweigh the potential cons, have a candid conversation with your co-worker. Lay the concerns you have out on the table and listen to their perspective. If you both decide to proceed, be mindful of going slow and steady, given the stakes are higher if things don’t work out. Also try to hold off on getting physically involved until you know there is compatibility in terms of personalities and short and long-term relationship goals. The reality is that the workplace often becomes the predominant place we meet people (both friends and romantic interests), particularly as we move out of our 20s. And as a result, why pass up something that potentially could be highly fulfilling and meaningful. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  How to Manage Feelings of Frustration
With all of the busyness of life, frustration can be a frequently occurring emotion, particularly when we are dealing with competing life and work demands. Here, we’ll address what causes us to feel frustration, how to manage feelings of frustration to decrease our frustration levels. What is frustration? Frustration is the feeling of being upset or annoyed, particularly because of our inability to change or achieve something. When we experience frustration, we often forget the cause of these feelings are often completely out of our control – and the ‘out of our control’ contributors to frustration often can even further amplify the feelings of frustration! (Isn’t that just frustrating?) How can we all better manage frustration?
Final Thoughts Personally, I find when my frustration levels increase, it’s usually because I’m feeling disorganized in life. So, what I do is intentionally reduce ‘extra’ demands in my life – which usually relates to non-essential or non-energizing social commitments – and use that time to catch up on housework, do laundry, get caught up and organized with paperwork that clutters my office, and do some meal planning so that I have one less To Do during the week. I also then commit no-alarms on Saturdays and Sundays so that I can catch up on much-needed sleep debt! We are only in charge of what we can control, so do what you can, and don’t sweat the small things! The question:
When we got married my husband said he wanted to have kids. Now, several years into our marriage he has decided that kids are not part of his future. I still desperately want to have children. Knowing that there isn’t much to compromise on this, what should I do? Do I wait for him to potentially change his mind (which he has said could happen but could not) or start filling out the divorce papers? The answer: Every couple faces two types of issues in their relationship: solvable and perpetual problems. Solvable issues for one couple can be perpetual issues for another, and vice versa. An important part of resolving conflict in a relationship involves accurately identifying which type of problem you are facing, as that determines how to move forward. Often, couples confound the two, and reach a stalemate if they are approaching the issue with a mismatched approach. Solvable problems are those that have potential workarounds, meaning a solution can be both found and maintained with appropriate dialogue. These are about a situational issue, and often don’t have deeper meaning when it comes to one or both partners’ personality or fundamental needs. Perpetual problems are those that relate to fundamental differences in personalities or lifestyle needs. Research demonstrates that couples need to initiate effective dialogue about their perpetual issues to effectively move forward, otherwise they become engaged in gridlocked conflict. There are two important things you have mentioned: that your husband has previously voiced a desire for children, and he also indicates that he may change his mind. Have the two of you been able to have effective dialogue about what has lead him to change his mind yet be somewhat open to this changing in the future? Are there other factors at play, such as job uncertainty, concerns about finances, or other core relationship problems that the two of you have? If there are contributing factors to his decision that are solvable, the approach would be to target those first. Or, is his stance on children independent of the quality of your relationship or other extrinsic factors? If it boils down to a fundamental difference in your lifestyle needs for the future, the two of you have some more difficult discussions and decisions to make. Ultimately, it comes down to weighing how much importance each of you places on your relationship over children. One of you either has to accept the other’s position (which could lead to long-term resentment and contempt in the relationship) or make a decision to end the relationship. One thing is for certain, forcing the issue of kids if your partner is strongly voicing he doesn’t want them is a no-win situation. I’ve seen many couples where the husband eventually succumbs even though he has repeatedly voiced not wanting children, and this more often than not leads to significant problems in the long-term. Emotional disengagement, lack of emotional and physical intimacy, and lack of involvement in child-rearing are all potential consequences. Dr. John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert is an excellent book that I would recommend you and your husband read through together to help you navigate the tricky waters of having these conversations. If you find the two of you are unable to effectively move forward, I would suggest seeing a couples therapist to exhaust all other options before you consider potentially making the difficult decision to end your marriage. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Self-Compassion Journaling – Journaling Prompts
Journaling can be a great way to set aside a specific time to engage in self-reflection. It gives you the opportunity to explore your emotions while also identifying patterns. When it comes to self-compassion, it gives you the opportunity to identify areas for growth and self-acceptance in our lives in an intentional way. It can also be a healthy and therapeutic way of expressing yourself, which can improve mood and help to de-stress. So, here we are going to talk about self-compassionate journaling and how to incorporate it into your life including journaling prompts How to Start Journaling Beginning any routine can be challenging, so it’s best to start with tangible ways of incorporating it into your daily routine. This can include picking a time to engage in a journaling practice, set a notification in your phone to remind you, and have a list of prompts prepared so if you don’t naturally have anything to write about, you have an alternative writing topic. Journaling Prompts that Focus on Self-Love Here is a list of prompts that can help you start thinking about self-compassion and the ways you can re-engage with self-love.
Final Thoughts Journaling is just one way to practice self-compassion, so if journaling isn’t for you, or you struggle to keep it as part of your routine, that’s okay. In most cases these things take practice, so it can be easy to get discouraged. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Managing Self-Critical Voices
We all have that little voice in our heads. Sometimes it can be really helpful and motivate us to accomplish our goals, but other times it can be overly critical. When our self-talk becomes overly critical, it not only has a negative impact on our minds but also on our bodies as well as the people around us. So, it’s important to learn to manage our self-critical voices and practice being more self-compassionate Negative self-talk increases a person’s risk of experiencing mental health challenges. It increases people’s stress levels, makes them feel hopeless, and increases feelings of depression. It also leads to limited thinking, lowered abilities to see and in turn capitalize on opportunities as well as increased perfectionism. When these self-critical voices are expressed outwardly, they can also damage relationships. How to Manage Self-Critical Voices and Negative Self-Talk There are numerous ways to manage and change our self-critical voices and not all of them will work for everyone. We have provided some starting points for changing the sound of the inner critic. 1 Point out your critic.
2 Be curious.
3 Give the critic a name.
4 Try to use more neutral language.
5 Say the thought out loud.
6 Challenge your inner critic.
Final Thoughts You deserve compassion and there is no reason why you cannot provide it to yourself. Also, remember these skills take practice. So, as you’re starting this process, don’t beat yourself up when you catch yourself being judgmental. Notice it, the same way you would notice your mind wandering in mindfulness practice, be compassionate and empathetic with yourself and take one small step toward self-compassion. We can all learn to manage our self-critical voices and practice being more compassionate. |
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