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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Ahh, the joys of vacation! For many of us, vacations represent no alarm clocks and schedules, limited to no work, and minimized chores and responsibilities. For all of us, getting back into the flow of regular life and work responsibilities after an extended break can be tough. As humans, we are innately hedonistic and naturally gravitate toward things that feel pleasurable, enjoyable, and evoke a positive emotional state. We are also master acclimatizers. We physiologically and behaviourally adjust to whatever environment we are placed in. This is true for both relaxing situations or intense work situations.
It can take a few days to get into vacation mode (or longer if you’ve been in a very intense work situation). You might be sleeping way more than is usual (or needed), maybe even napping. You likely don’t feel as sharp mentally as you do when in work mode. The changes can be subtle, gradual, and happen without any conscious awareness – and they can have an impact on our general mood state and our levels of energy, attention, and focus. Because of this, it may take a few days to a few weeks to make the full transition out of vacation mode. Generally, the lack of motivation we may feel when getting back to work is much more attributable to the lower energy level and reduced focus that the body adjusted to than it is to anything else. Refocusing our energy and motivation It can be easy (especially on the heels of an extended vacation) to get stuck in the trap of ruminating on the reasons we are required to work. Not only does this type of thinking do nothing to change the situation, but it breeds negative emotions. Shifting the focus to the choice elements can help us feel more engaged, more quickly. So, we need to remind ourselves why we are doing the work that we do. Put pen to paper and consider asking these questions:
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
It’s clear to our entire family that my adult sister has big emotional issues, but she won’t recognize this fact. How do I deal with her mood swings in a loving way, but also not promote further outbursts that seem to only be brought on for attention? The answer: Speaking to anyone who is in denial about their personal issues is difficult in the best of times. But the challenges become particularly amplified when a relationship with an immediate family member is potentially at stake. A sibling bond is unique and special in so many ways, given the shared experiences – after all, no one better understands parents and family issues better than someone who was raised in the same environment. Yet our sibling relationships are often the most complex as well, particularly when elements such as competition, jealousy or insecurity play a role. You care about your sister and want to be supportive, yet seem to be struggling with being available as a support for her, but also establishing boundaries for what behaviours of hers you will tolerate. The first thing you want to do is offer to provide support to your sister, if you haven’t already done this. (“I’m concerned about you, and want to help however I can.”) When communicating with her, ensure that she doesn’t feel ganged-up on by the family. Speaking to her one-on-one, without others there, is the most respectful way to approach this. Don’t be blaming or accusatory, and stick to the facts of what you observe, as well as the impact on you. (“I felt extremely hurt when you yelled at me last week for disagreeing with your opinion on what we should do for dinner.”) Ask her what you can do differently to help improve the relationship. Ask yourself what your contribution to her outbursts may be. When there is a long history of problematic behaviour in a relationship, friends and family members often, without even realizing it, react in sarcastic or passive-aggressive ways, given their understandably pent-up frustration. Be mindful of patterns that trigger her. Are there certain topics that push her buttons which you can simply avoid (say, talking about careers or relationships)? Identify your hard and fast boundaries in the relationship. For example, you may decide that you will no longer tolerate her yelling or using profanity in disagreements. Figure out what your response will be (for example, ending the visit). Verbalize what you are doing and why. (“I find myself getting very upset when you swear at me, and I’m choosing not to be around you if that’s how the conversation is going to go, so I am leaving.”) Then, consistently stick to this. Often, emotional outbursts get reinforced because the family doesn’t implement consequences to the behaviour. Your establishment of clear and consistent boundaries may serve as a catalyst for her to change. Finally, realize that the only actions you can control are those of your own. We are stuck with the family we have for the long haul, but remember that we can maintain love for them – without always having to like them. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  We know sleep is a critical contributor to our overall state of physical and psychological health. One of the most important functions of sleep involves allowing our bodies and our brains to recover and recharge. Sleep is even more important for children, as it directly impacts mental and physical development The topic of children and sleep can be a challenging one though. Children don’t typically understand the importance of sleep and aren’t intrinsically wired to maintain a sleep schedule and structure without external guidance. So, as a child develops, it’s up to their caregivers to manage their sleep schedule and ensure they’re getting enough sleep. Managing children’s sleep problems can be hard enough but teenagers may be even more challenging. We will also address teenagers’ sleep challenges here.
Children and sleep Sleep patterns and needs change drastically across age ranges. For instance, those who have experienced a newborn know that sleep happens whenever the child feels like it, making the parents’ sleep schedule highly irregular. Fortunately, between the age of 6 months to 2 years, children typically begin to develop more of a regular sleep pattern. Once this happens, it’s possible to start implementing proper sleep hygiene principles. Sleep Hygiene for Children Here are 5 effective sleep tips for children aged 2-13 years that can help children with sleep problems:
Sleep hygiene is always the best place to start when it comes to managing sleep challenges but what if it isn’t enough? What if sleep hygiene doesn't work? Sleep hygiene should always be tried first when it comes to sleep challenges. For children and adults alike, maintaining consistently good sleep hygiene is typically enough to help with sleep problems. It’s important to note that sleep hygiene will likely take a few weeks, or longer, to have a noticeable impact on your child’s sleep. So be patient and consistent with their bedtime routine. If your child still has sleep problems (such as not being able to fall asleep, or waking up in the night) some other home treatment options have been found to be effective. For example, research has found white noise played over the course of the night was able to help children with ADHD get to sleep faster and stay asleep longer. Weighted blankets are also demonstrating some preliminary and promising effects on sleep for children with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Teenagers and Sleep Another age category that tends to have significant sleep challenges is teenagers. Despite the traditional angsty know-it-all attitude and resistance some teens may have to regular sleep, their brains are still developing as well as their bodies changing, so sleep is just as important during these years as it was when they were younger. What impacts teenagers’ sleep? Many of us can remember being a teenager and wanting to stay up excessively late, resisting structure and schedule in terms of sleep. And, as a result, feeling constantly sleep-deprived or irritated and grumpy as a result. This is not just rebellious teenager behaviour. Research has shown in the teen years circadian rhythms change drastically, as do hormones. Teenagers don’t just want to stay up longer, their body is telling them to. All the while their schooling starts just as early, if not earlier than it did when they were younger. The net result is sleep-deprivation, as environmental expectations make getting the required amount of sleep more difficult. So, how can we support our teenagers in getting better sleep?We may think that allowing them to sleep in on the weekends to catch up on sleep is the best thing we can do. It isn’t. Letting them sleep in actually makes things worse, as this disrupts the body’s internal clock even more. Remember – a consistent bedtime and wake up time is an important aspect of sleep hygiene – and as such, keeping a consistent schedule is still the best thing for teenagers. Since their circadian rhythms are changing and impacting the time they want to sleep, it can be helpful to adjust this sleep rhythm. This can be done by adjusting their light exposure, such that light is increased in the mornings and decreased at nighttime. Effectively adjusting light exposure involves (1) exposing oneself to natural light (even it it’s cloudy) shortly upon waking up in the morning, and (2) removing light in the evenings by ensuring lights are dimmed. There are blackout blinds/curtains, and discouraging use of screens like smartphones, TV’s and computers before bed. Final Thoughts If your child or teenager still has significant sleep problems or other contributing health issues (physically or emotionally), it’s recommended you speak to a medical professional. Sleep is a very important and incredibly complex process, so when presented with recurrent issues it should be addressed by a qualified healthcare professional and not self-diagnosed or self-medicated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  A divorce, particularly when children are involved, can be one of the hardest life experiences to deal with. Certain times of the year – holidays, birthdays, etc. – amplify the pain that comes along with not having the same once-intact family configuration. Parents typically make arrangements that determine which holidays or portions of holidays they will be able to spend with their children. This often leaves one parent alone and it can be challenging for that parent to not focus on the sadness and loneliness. The first few holidays following a divorce will be the most challenging as the family establishes a new normal around the occasion. So, let’s talk about how to manage family holidays following a divorce.
Missing the kids – and the sadness and loneliness that comes along with that – is not an emotion to shove away. Our emotions are a signal to our brain and body that we are experiencing something that impacts an important part of our life, and what we value. Those emotions validate how important the kids are, how important family is, and that we wish the situation were different. All too often we want to shove away our negative emotional states. But that rarely turns out well, as emotions often rear their heads later on. Our emotions also provide us with the motivation to take some kind of action, to do something differently. So, how do parents manage holidays, especially when a divorce may mean spending them alone? How to Manage Family Holidays Following a Divorce
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I hate giving and receiving gifts. It seems so materialistic to me – but everyone around me seems to just love it at this time of year. Is there something wrong with me? How can I mentally get behind the idea of gift giving? The answer: Christmas has become an increasingly commercialized holiday: you are not alone in your feelings about gifts. I would challenge your perception that everyone around you seems to love it at this time of year – although many people outwardly may seem to love the holiday season and all the associated traditions. I think if you were to ask people, you’d be surprised at how many share your sentiments. The Christmas holiday itself is religious – but more broadly is viewed by even those with non-religious views as being a time of celebration, love, and giving. The gift component can take away from the true spirit and intent of Christmas, particularly when an emphasis is placed on what one “wants” and is “getting”. The reality is that the holiday season can also become a hugely taxing time of year from a financial perspective. Unfortunately, the focus on gift giving adds to the social pressure that many feel to “keep up with the Joneses”. The net effect is that individuals often get in real financial debt, which is one of the biggest reasons why the Christmas holidays (and the January aftermath) become the most stressful time of year for many. Instead of trying to accept something that is inconsistent with your beliefs, speak openly with your loved ones and others that you exchange gifts with about how you feel. I think you may be surprised at the reaction that you get. Do not be shy about expressing your underlying reasons, which stem from the values you hold. Indicate that you feel that the holiday season and gift-giving is becoming overly materialistic, and that you would like to think of adding some new traditions this year. Propose setting a monetary limit or gifts, or only giving hand-made gifts. Suggest keeping the gift giving for children only. Think about having a Secret Santa gift exchange (where everyone brings one gift, and each person receives only one). Or, propose adopting a family in need and providing gifts to that family. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m a guy who loves his girlfriend, but that doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to other women. I’m in my 20s and making good money. Is it a bad idea to sow my wild oats now, before I’m fully committed? The answer: Umm … the fact that you are asking whether you should “sow your wild oats” – with your financial situation being one of the highlighted reasons why – tells me you need to do some serious thinking about what you want at this point in your life, and what you want to do about your relationship. Out of fairness to your girlfriend, this is something you should figure out sooner rather than later. There’s no judgment here: How you approach dating, and whether you have regrets about not dating more people before becoming more committed, is something only you can answer. Some people can be immensely happy, fulfilled and have no regrets despite having only one partner in their life; others feel that the best thing they could have done was to get dating “out of their system” before they got married or started a family. Don’t become overly distressed just at being attracted to someone. I see many people in my patient practice that are in loving, committed relationships, and who remain faithful to their partners, but find themselves attracted to others. These feelings are a natural part of being human; they often pass and usually mean nothing. It’s not whether you are attracted to other people that’s a problem – it’s what you do based on the attraction. Ask yourself: Do you find yourself getting too caught up in the attraction? Do you start to fantasize about being with someone else on a regular basis? Do you have thoughts of wanting to cheat on your girlfriend? If so, these are strong signs that you are not ready to be settling down at this stage in your life.You say you love your girlfriend. Do you picture being with her long-term? Could you imagine yourself married to her, or having children with her? Does the thought of her in your foreseeable future create positive feelings (comfort, peace, security, happiness, joy)? Or do you find yourself feeling anxious or stifled when you imagine this? And finally, how do you feel when you think about ending the relationship with your girlfriend? How do you feel when you envision her dating someone else? Keep in mind that dating life may not be what you imagined it to be, that you’d need to have a clear break in your relationship in fairness to your girlfriend. Realize that she will likely move on and may not be there if you were to decide to go back to her. Ultimately you need to trust your gut feeling and go with what seems to be the right thing for you. If it is dating other people, end things with your girlfriend in a respectful way and move on. You’re better ending things now when you are still young, and before things get more serious. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Emory Oakley. Emory is a writer and LGBTQ+ educator who regularly discusses the intersections of queer identities and mental health. How To Be A Good Trans Ally – Learning About Gender
I’m a transgender male and use the pronouns he/him/his or they/them/theirs. I’ve been out as transgender for five years and started my medical transition three years ago (when I started testosterone). Accurate pronoun use is always important, but it can be particularly important during the first few stages of transition because it helps a person feel validated in their gender as well as accepted. When someone is referred to with the wrong pronoun, it can make them feel disrespected, invalidated, dismissed, alienated, or dysphoric (often all of the above). One of the first questions cisgender people generally ask when the topic of pronouns is brought up is; how am I supposed to know which pronouns to use? How To Be A Good Trans Ally 1) Start by educating ourselves about the use of pronouns. In school, we’re taught about the use of pronouns in a binary manner: he/she for individuals, and they/them for plural. But this language needs to be updated to include the use of singular they/them pronouns. They/them pronouns are used for individuals who identify as non-binary, genderqueer, genderfluid or whoever chooses to use them. 2) Do not make assumptions about what pronouns a person uses.Just because someone presents a particular way, doesn’t mean they use the pronouns we assume they do. It can be helpful to practice using they/them pronouns and defaulting to using they until you find out what pronouns a person uses. Alternatively, you can default to simply using the person’s name. 3) If you’re unsure of someone’s pronouns, ask. Try one of these options: “Hey, what are your pronouns?”, “What pronouns do you use?”, “I was just wondering how you’d like me to address you.”, “I just want to make sure I’m using the correct language to refer to you.” Note: Avoid language around preference; pronouns are not a preference, they’re a requirement. 4) Start with yourself. An even easier way to start a conversation about pronouns is to start with yourself. Do this by introducing yourself with your name and pronouns, then give the other person the opportunity to do so as well. For example, I would say, “Hi, I’m Emory, I use he/him pronouns.” Doing this in a group setting where everyone states their name and pronouns, regardless of gender identity, can help to make the experience less tokenizing for trans people. It’s a good approach to give pronouns first, so it’s not required for others to ask or make the wrong assumptions. 5) Names are incredibly important. Not every trans person has legally changed their name but that does not mean you have the right to call them by their birth name (even if you know it). Respect the name they told you to call them by. If you’re struggling to make the change practice in the mirror or with another friend. 6) Be aware of gendered language. Pronouns aren’t the only important aspects of gendered language. Some examples of regularly used gendered language include “Good Morning, ladies!” or “you guys”. Even using phrases we may think are more inclusive like “ladies and gentlemen” can be problematic. It’s important to be conscious of language and the assumptions we are making based on that language. Often the language we think is inclusive isn’t, due to the fact that it doesn’t include anyone who falls outside of the binary. Here are some examples of more gender-inclusive language:
Other Important Things to Note About Gender Gender and pronoun use is an important part of being a good trans ally. Here are some other things that may come up as you learn about gender identity and appropriate pronoun use so you can avoid some simple mistakes.
Final Thoughts Learning to be more gender-inclusive can feel daunting because it seems like there’s so much to learn. And for many, the learning process must begin with unlearning ideas about gender and the gender binary. But using the correct name and pronouns is a huge part of being a good trans ally and can make a huge difference in trans peoples lives. So, it’s important to educate yourself and continue to practice with inclusive language. I hope now that you know how to use pronouns correctly, doing so isn’t as scary or as challenging as you originally thought. All it really takes is good intentions and breaking down your assumptions about gender. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
After being happily divorced for 35 years, I met a man my age (I’m 65) who is also divorced. We’ve been dating for almost 2 years now and I think I’m in love. The problem? He has a very good female friend that he’s known for decades. She’s also divorced and they have never been anything more than friends. Strangely, she has made it clear to him and to me that she hates the idea of me being in his life. She is very dependent on him to help her at home, which I don’t object to. But he does spend far too much time with her when he’s not helping with the chores. While I don’t suspect him of infidelity, I’m beginning to think he has more complex feelings for her than he’s let on. At this age, am I just being petty and suspicious? The answer: Our emotional reactions serve as a temperature gauge of how we feel about circumstances in our lives. When they’re positive, our emotions help validate that things are as we wish them to be; when negative or distressing, they give us a sign that something important to us is being threatened in some capacity. It’s important to pay attention to what you perceive to be potentially threatened, then (importantly) ask yourself: Is your reaction accurate and valid given the situation? Jealousy is one of the most toxic emotions we can experience. It often has a very intense, almost obsessive flavour to it. Feelings of jealousy are most commonly triggered when we have the perception that we will lose someone or something that we are strongly attached to. Anxiety, fear and insecurity are often associated emotions. It can be hard to shake jealousy, and once we are sucked into its vacuum, we tend to – often disproportionately – view behaviours of others as being evidence that supports our belief. You certainly aren’t being petty: Your emotions relate to a relationship in your life that is clearly an important one. Whether or not you are being suspicious depends on whether your interpretations (“She hates the idea of me being in his life,” or, “He has more complex feelings for her than he’s let on”) are accurate, or whether they are misinterpretations of an otherwise benign relationship. You need to have an open and honest conversation with your partner. Approach the conversation in a non-accusatory manner. If you jump into it already thinking he is guilty of something inappropriate, you will shut down the lines of communication quickly. Let him know that you trust him and don’t suspect he has been unfaithful. Ask him to describe his feelings for his friend (without making assumptions). Convey how you feel about the situation and listen. It may be that he has very little sense of how his relationship with his long-time friend has been affecting you. Ultimately, the two of you need to come to some agreements. You need to have respect for a friendship that has been in his life for decades before you entered it, and he needs to set some parameters with his female friend that demonstrate respect for you. For example, he can tell her that he is unwilling to tolerate any negative or disparaging comments about your relationship. Don’t forget that she has been in his life for a very long time. If he wanted a relationship with her, he likely would have long before you came into his life. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I have a close friend I’ve known for 20 years who still can’t control her temper. Once or twice a year she completely loses it – yelling, screaming at me, an adult version of what you expect from a four-year-old’s tantrum. Later she’s ashamed and mortified. What can she do? What can I do? The answer: No matter how hard we wish, we simply do not have the ability to change other people. The only person we have control over is ourselves, and that alone can be difficult to do even in the best of times. So, there are only two things you can do: Monitor – and, more importantly, modify – your responses to your friend’s tantrums, and offer to support her if she wants to make changes. One of two things usually explains the presence of longstanding, ingrained behaviours that have lasted decades; the most likely situation is that your friend’s intermittent outbursts are working for her. Ostensibly, they allow her to communicate her distress to those around her. Likely, her outbursts have the actual effect of modifying the behaviours of those in her environment. But unfortunately, the negative consequences (feeling shame, feeling mortified) haven’t been sufficient in motivating her to make changes to her behaviour. Another less likely, but certainly tenable, possibility is that she truly has wanted to change, but hasn’t found the tools she needs to do it. By tools, I mean alternate strategies to manage and cope with trigger factors, and effective ways to communicate how she is feeling to others. Tantrum-like behaviour, for children and adults alike, is really just communication behaviour. Psychological or substance-use factors can certainly contribute (a personality disorder, or alcohol or drug use), but essentially she is making a decision to act or react in a particular way. Ask yourself: How do you respond to her behaviour? It sounds as though, at some level, you have tolerated her actions. What factors trigger her to react this way to you? What do you do (or not do) after she reacts this way? And, have you given her feedback about the impact on you? What contribution do you make to the situation, if any? I do not ask this in a blaming way, but I want to ensure that you are not engaging in similarly inappropriate behaviour toward her. Assuming that you do not play any significant role in her behaviour, you need to have a very blunt conversation with your friend. Let her know in no uncertain terms that the way she acts is unacceptable, and although you have tolerated it, you will not continue to do so. Let her know that you value her friendship and are prepared to help her develop skills that can better control her anger. Offer to help her understand what her triggers are, and seek professional help from a mental-health professional with expertise in anger-management skills. The Anger Management Sourcebook, by Glenn Schiraldi and Melissa Kerr, offers cognitive-behavioural strategies that teach people to identify personal triggers of anger – and better cope with those feelings. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I am admittedly a moody person – I can go from joyous to grumpy in a matter of hours without any real reasons. My wife recently sat me down and addressed this: she thinks it’s a sign of a mental disorder. Can’t someone just ‘be moody’? Do I really need to see a shrink? The answer: Great question. Changes in mood or emotional states are a normal part of the human experience for all of us. There are very adaptive reasons we experience a range of mood states – both those that feel positive, as well as those that may feel negative. Our emotions serve a motivating function, and they can communicate important things to both ourselves and to others around us about experiences we are dealing with. A number of factors can impact our mood: overall life situations, current stressors, or the amount of sleep we have had, to just name a few. Certainly there are also individual differences in personalities – where some of us tend to be happier or more even-keeled regardless of what is going on around us, others are more susceptible to more frequent shifts in their mood. So, the simple answer is that yes – sometimes people can just “be moody”. That said, frequent changes in mood can sometimes be a sign of a more serious psychological health condition that needs attention (such as a depression, an anxiety disorder, or a personality disorder). Other times, moodiness may warrant attention even if there is no underlying clinical condition. There are a few situations in which seeking some additional assistance may be warranted: 1) If the mood issues are creating some distress or negative impact in terms of your happiness, enjoyment, or overall quality of life; 2) If the mood issues are significant impacting other relationships in your life (e.g., with friends, your partner, or other family); or 3) If the mood issues are impacting your ability to effectively carry out other important responsibilities in your life, such as your ability to do your job or your ability to parent. You describe the changes in terms of extremes – “joyous” to “grumpy” with no reason can be completely normal for most of us on occasion. Now, if these changes are occurring on a regular basis and are consistently unpredictable it may be helpful to understand why. Certainly moods can sometimes change without any real reason, but often there are contributors (such as our stress levels, behaviours, or ways we are thinking) that can be the culprit. I would also pay attention to the fact that your wife is raising this as an issue – irrespective of whether there is or is not any underlying psychological condition, your mood changes seem to be having an impact on the quality of your marital relationship, and it would be helpful to understand why or how this is happening. This doesn’t mean that you are fully to blame, but any time any of our behaviours are impacting our partner it is important to try to work to collectively solve issues in a way that the overall quality of the relationship may be enhanced. Ask your wife how she is impacted by your admitted moodiness, and what you (and she) can both do that may work to improve things for both of you. You may find an initial consultation session with a professional who has expertise in couples/relationship issues may be helpful for both of you. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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