By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I have been a career woman for over two decades, but I’ve recently been fired (I deserved it, and the industry knows it – no one will hire me now.) I’ve had thoughts of picking up and moving across the world – I’ve got no roots in Canada – but is that just a flighty response? Should I start over at 39? The answer: You are engaging in very black-and-white, catastrophic mindset – a normal way to a view a situation when emotions are high – but I wonder how realistic and accurate your thoughts that “the industry knows it” and “no one will hire me now” are. Ask yourself a few questions: What is the evidence that these thoughts are true? What would I say to a friend in the same situation? Thoughtfully answering these questions may help you to arrive at more balanced, accurate thoughts. That said, losing one’s job falls at the top of the list of stressful life events. You are likely experiencing a range of intense emotions, including worry/anxiety, confusion, sadness, or even anger. Your reaction may be amplified by feelings of guilt (our ability to accept difficult situations is even more challenging when we feel – accurately or not – that our actions contributed directly to the situation). Furthermore, working in a smaller or specialized industry area may worsen the impact if you feel that the news of the firing has spread. My very first suggestion is avoid making any rash decision until you’ve had some time to allow the intensity of your reactions settle. Emotionally-driven decisions often tens to be impulsive. Intense emotions also naturally lead us to experience an intense stress reaction – also known as the “flight, fight or freeze” response. This refers to the three ways we respond when under an acute stressor: by fighting back (retaliating, aggressing), by flight (fleeing, avoiding), or by freezing (becoming immobilized). Your urge to pick up and move across the world sounds like a knee-jerk response to avoid your current situation. This may, right now, feel like the only viable solution. Avoidance actually works as a short-term strategy: it removes us from our present distressing situation and can temporarily reduce any fear/anxiety. This isn’t a long-term strategy, however, as it does not tackle the issues that contributed to the situation to begin with. I don’t mean to suggest that moving away is necessarily the wrong solution. What I am suggesting is that you want to ensure that you are mindful that any decision you do make is approached in a thoughtful, informed manner and not driven by avoidance. I would suggest giving yourself a few weeks to allow the intensity of the situation to go down. Speak to a trusted colleague in the industry may help provide some perspective. Then brainstorm all the possible options you have (in addition to leaving the country) and generate the pros and cons of each before making any decision. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m hearing more and more about relationship agreements – like the one between Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg and his wife – in which partners commit to certain behaviours in a formal document. Do you think this is healthy for a relationship or is it just weird? The answer: Virtually every type of relationship – whether it’s romantic, a friendship or one between a parent and child – has a set of norms. These are implicit or explicit “agreements” that usually develop naturally over time. For couples, these agreements may include such things as who is responsible for which chores, how much alone time/couple time they spend, who handles the finances and so on. These agreements are usually implicit; they tend to be more explicitly articulated when things aren’t working well in some areas. This often manifests in the form of conflict, disagreements or arguments. Healthy couples will, throughout the course of their relationship, negotiate and renegotiate their terms depending on what is happening in their individual and collective lives. For example, when a couple has a baby, often there is a dramatic shift in roles and responsibilities, and a natural and organic shift in relationship “agreements.” These norms or agreements are a healthy part of a relationship. All of us value some element of predictability and control in our lives, and there is something to be said for having relationship expectations articulated, assuming that they are fair, acceptable and demonstrate respect for each partner. The notion of a formal relationship document – a written contract that sets out these details – takes the notion of informal agreements to a whole other level. Certainly the increased complexity of relationships and their configurations necessitates the growing use of written, legally binding documents (i.e., cohabitation and prenuptial agreements) to protect respective partners’ interests in situations of a dissolution, divorce or death. With the divorce rate being as high as it is, couples meeting and and living together or getting married in older age, and the increasing prevalence of blended families, having these types of agreements is prudent – not doing so can have a significant impact on the financial situation of one or both parties. But formalizing in writing the very natural parts of a relationship adds a clinical, cold level to the natural fluidity that can make relationships so wonderful. Drawing up formal relationship agreements is really a statement that speaks to the importance a couple put on one another. But how is this executed in real life? Consider the much-publicized requirement that Priscilla Chan put on Mark Zuckerberg to commit in writing to one date night and 100 quality minutes together a week out of his apartment or Facebook office. What happens if one person is in the hospital for pneumonia for a week? What if a family member dies? What if there is an urgent, non-negotiable work or personal commitment one week? Does 400 minutes one week cancel out what is required for the remaining month? Can you “bank” relationship commitments? Although relationship agreements may work for some couples, articulating roles, responsibilities and each others’ expectations is likely much more effectively done the good old fashioned way – over time and through discussion. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’ve already failed at my New Year’s resolution (to lose weight – I’ve caved to my dessert addiction and gained a pound since January 1). I can’t stop kicking myself and feel like I will never be able to stop gaining. What can I do psychologically to help my willpower? The answer: The start of a new year seems to be a perfect time to make changes in one’s life. About half the population makes New Year’s resolutions, with the most common resolutions relate to weight loss, exercising more, quitting smoking, and improving one’s financial situation. However, research indicates that by July, the overwhelming majority of individuals fail in sticking to their resolution or even remember what they promised to resolve. First of all, keep in mind that you are not alone in both making a resolution and feeling you have failed. Second – and much more importantly – you are taking a very extreme view in your belief that gaining two pounds represents failure of your goal! You simply don’t yet have enough information to evaluate how you have done. So, you need to begin by putting the small amount of “weight gain” you have had in perspective, which likely amounts to nothing more than water retention. Then, take the following steps to increase the likelihood of sticking to this, or any other resolution: Pick an attainable goal The goal should be something that, based upon the life you are living, is something that you can achieve. Ensure that your goal is measureable. To change your goal, you will have to know where you are headed, and how to determine if you are getting/have gotten there. Ensure the goal is realistic and time-limited. You may want to lose 30 pounds, but a realistic goal may be to lose 15 pounds this year and 15 pounds the following year. Set a specific period of time in which you will accomplish your goal. As you accomplish your time-limited steps, you can reward yourself for successes. Remember that small change is better than no change. Get supports as you start to make the change. Identify Barriers Anticipate setbacks. If you have tried to make this change in the past, what got in the way of the change being successful before? Problem-solve the barriers that you have encountered in the past. Identify the pros of not changing the behaviour (this can often help you appreciate why the change has not yet happened). Identify the cons of changing (the reasons the change may be difficult to do). Establish a specific contingency plan for each of the barriers you identify. Implement Change Obtain a baseline of your behaviour. Track your usual activity for a week. This can often help you to identify patterns in your day and help identify times when it would be easier to implement the change. Be aware of the powerful impact that conditioning plays in activity and behaviour. Actively work to change habits that you may have gotten into that are not conducive to achieving your goal. Approach behavioural change gradually. Make small, specific changes. Make a schedule with yourself to build the activity into your day-to-day life. Revisit & Revise Do not get discouraged by setbacks. If you are not on track with the changes you identified, work to identify the barriers. Were your expectations too high? Was the specific goal you set too ambitious? Revise your goal as necessary. Expect & visualize success. Reward yourself Set milestones that can help you track your progress. Ensure that you schedule in regular rewards for each milestone that you achieve. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
When we fight, I feel like my boyfriend’s goal is to “win” the argument. How can I help him realize this doesn’t help either of us? The answer: Disagreeing with loved ones (whether a partner, friend, or family member) is a normal part of every human relationship. In fact, we tend to argue more with those that are closer to us, often as they tend to see both the good and bad parts of us, they see us during times of stress, and often our defences are much lower with the people we love. Fighting with your partner can be really upsetting, and the frustration is further amplified when one or both partners feel the other is not “fighting fair.” Longterm success of your relationship really depends on how you fight – arguments are healthy when they are focused on coming to effective solutions (ideally) or agreeing to disagree. The reality is that often the way we fight is much more important to the quality of a relationship than what we fight about (many couples I see for couples treatment will recall precise details on the days, times and outcomes of arguments, but it is stunning how often they will forgot what started the fight or what they were fighting about!). I would first ask you to identify (for yourself) how your boyfriend’s style is unhelpful or ineffective. Try thinking of two or three recent arguments you had. Is he focusing on irrelevant issues/parts of the issue that created the disagreement? Is he inappropriately criticizing you? Is he bringing up issues from the past that are not tied to the issue at hand? Is he trying to intimidate you verbally or nonverbally (e.g., getting loud, inappropriate)? I would also ask you to identify what contribution you may be having to the argument that leads him to feel he needs to just focus on “winning”. For example, if he “loses” a fight is that brought up to him in the future? Is he reminded about it incessantly? Does he feel he needs to “win” to be heard? Then, have an open conversation with your boyfriend when you are getting along well, not in the middle of an argument. Start by letting him know that you feel your recent arguments have not ended up well, and that your hope is that the two of you either come to effective solutions or respectfully agree to disagree when you are fighting. Be specific about the things that you observe him to be doing that you think get in the way (don’t blame, just try to be very objective and specific, using examples). Let him know that you realize some of your behaviours may also be contributing (and again, be objective and specific about the things you do). Let him know that you care about him and you want both of you to come to more effective resolutions. Ask him if there are things he thinks you could do differently during arguments. Then make an action plan – where both of you agree to specifically change one or two things about how you approach your next argument. Remember: all communication is bidirectional, and both individuals in an argument play a part in the end result. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question: Why do people like Valentine’s Day? I hate it. Not because I’m single, I’ve actually been happily married to my wife for six years. But she always gets upset when I don’t go all out or seem sincere enough on this one annual occasion. I’m a good husband, I think, and she tells me that I do loving things for her all the time during the other 364 days. So what gives? Why do people get so caught up in a single day that (I think) isn’t all that special? The answer: There’s no special occasion that men and women disagree about more than Valentine’s Day! You are like many men that I hear from: frustrated and confused about the (seemingly) disproportionate emphasis that their female partners place on this day relative to other days of the year. So, here’s the answer to your question in a nutshell: Women like Valentine’s Day for reasons that are, in spirit, not dissimilar to the reasons they like other special occasions. The day is a celebration of something very special in their lives – love. An informal poll of my female friends was unanimous: This is a day that women want to feel extra loved, appreciated and special to their partners. Chalk it up to the childhood dreams many of us women have about fairy-tale happy endings and knights in shining armour. It’s perhaps a little silly, and usually far from the reality of life, but certainly something that makes us feel warm and fuzzy inside. Here’s what I suggest: Rather than getting caught up worrying about why so many other people like this day, why don’t you ask your wife what it is that she values about the day? After all, it’s her opinion that matters the most. Ask her how she would like to celebrate. Then communicate – non-defensively – how you feel about the occasion. It may be that you are putting undue pressure on yourself and thinking she expects something much grander than what is actually the case. In his fantastic book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, Dr. Gary Chapman writes about the differences couples encounter when they are speaking different “love languages.” He articulates the importance of understanding your partner’s primary love language (i.e. quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service or physical touch) as a way to improve and strengthen your relationship. Special occasions – and the associated celebration of them – often speak to the different love languages couples have, and the differences partners have about how the other communicates their love. So, smile. Enjoy the day. Go the extra mile for your wife on this day, then ask yourself: Something that makes her feel extra happy and special can’t be all bad, can it? Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Every couple is faced to some degree with fundamental differences in terms of beliefs and values. Successful couples are able to respectfully negotiate, comprise on or resolve difficult issues. Many couples, however, are unable to work past major differences despite their best efforts. Others attend to differences in a very mindful way, yet for a range of reasons may decide that they are too great to overcome.
Solvable issues or perpetual issues? Dr. John Gottman, an internationally renowned marital researcher, has written an excellent book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (which I often recommended even to couples who aren’t married or cohabitating). In this book, he defines issues that lead to relationship conflict as falling into one of two categories: solvable issues or perpetual issues. When we are faced with challenges or differences in a relationship, the first task is to identify whether or not the differences comprise perpetual or solvable issues. Perpetual issues relate to conflicts that will never disappear from the relationship. They stem from fundamental differences in personality and beliefs. Beliefs regarding the value of all life forms, including animals, for example, may be a perpetual issue that leads to different dietary choices. If one is a vegetarian because of their beliefs about animal rights, this is likely a perpetual issue. Solvable issues, on the other hand, are logistical or practical concerns that have workable solutions. The manner in which a couple handles grocery shopping and meal preparation, for example, would be a solvable issue. If one person is a vegetarian because they think it’s healthier, and there is no other underlying values driver, this is likely a solvable issue. Every relationship has perpetual issues. So the make-or-break factor is not whether an issue is perpetual or solvable, but rather how the solvable ones are worked out and how the perpetual ones are managed and ultimately accepted by each partner. How to work through all types of issues So, how do we maintain relationships when there are core differences?
So, do we have a future? Every relationship is faced with challenges. It’s how the people involved are able to respectfully negotiate, comprise on or resolve difficult issues that determine the longevity and health of that relationship. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I keep having violent dreams that wake me up in the middle of the night. What’s going on? The answer: We don’t understand very well why we dream, whether dreams have meaning, and why some people have vivid dreams, while others rarely can remember having a dream at all. We do know from studies that look at dream content that we tend to consistently have and remember more negative dreams than positive ones. Some theories suggest that there is an adaptive function to having threatening dreams – it helps us simulate threatening events and situations (in a safe environment) with the result of helping us be more cognitively prepared for threats when they come up in real life. There are a few reasons you may be having violent dreams. It may be that you are currently under a high level stress or that you are (or feel you may be) in a threatening situation that you need to get out of. Consider the current stressors in your life and think about ways you can get help with these difficulties. Individuals who have experienced traumatic events (abuse, assault, life-threatening situations including accidents or illnesses) are at higher risk for having nightmares. A mental health professional can help you work past traumas. Violent dreams can also be the result of a sleep disorder, known as parasomnia. Speak to your family physician if you are having recurrent violent dreams as an overnight sleep study, called a polysomnography, may be helpful to determine the cause. Finally, side effects of a number of medications can include violent dreams and nightmares (as many medications affect the stage of sleep in which we dream – the REM, or rapid eye movement, stage). Changing medications or dosages may help to solve the problem. Independent of the specific cause, there are a number of pre-sleep rituals that may help minimize the intensity or frequency of your violent dreams. Try to minimize talking or thinking about stressful situations before bed. Relaxation or meditation strategies can help to slow your mind and body down. Have a warm bath, or listen to soothing music to distract your mind. Avoid reading books or watching TV or movies with upsetting content. If you are woken by a violent dream, get out of bed and practice some deep breathing and do something relaxing, such as listening to soothing music or having a warm glass of milk, before you get back into bed. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I am a 30-year-old successful female, dating a guy who doesn’t seem to be too serious about us. I don’t want to waste more time on casual relationships, but I don’t want to come off sounding like I am desperate or crazy. My question is how do you assess whether a guy is interested in the traditional marriage, kids, moving in together routine without scaring the heck out of him and send him running for the hills? The answer: Asking him directly is much better than trying to somehow assess what he is thinking! The very simple answer to your question is to talk to him: ask, matter-of-factly what he pictures in terms of a relationship right now. If he is at a place in his life where he knows what he wants, he will directly answer questions about marriage and kids without getting scared away in the least. Now, there are a few more elements to your question that make the “simple answer” one that you should pause on for a minute before asking. You say you don’t want to “waste” more time on casual relationships, which suggests that you have a sense of urgency to change your situation. I would ask yourself sincerely whether you feel that you are in fact at a stage in your life where you actually want to have a more significant relationship, or if you are being driven by wanting something (anything) that is the opposite of the life you have been living. It may sound like semantics, but it is an important question to clarify in your mind. Secondly, you seem to already have some valuable insight that is helping you to answer your question: you say that the relationship doesn’t seem to be too serious, and that it also doesn’t seem that it will become that way. I would pay attention to the pieces of information that are leading you to feel this way. I would trust the feelings that you are having, as they are likely coming from a range of sources (both what he is or has conveyed verbally, and his actions). It is human nature to want to try to impose an ideal picture of what you would like to see in a relationship (while ignoring some other clear signs that give you the opposite message). Although things could certainly change, the feelings that you are having right now are probably an important sign of something important you are picking up on, so don’t ignore these. You sound like a driven individual and I wonder if you view your personal life similar to the way you have viewed your work life (i.e., set a goal and then tick off achieving it). It may be that you need to consider the way you are approaching your relationship goals and perhaps take a slightly different strategy, as there is a strong return on investment for you to be devote time into finding the right partner for you (this is not, contrary to your current feeling, a “waste” of time in the least). And, it may sound cliché, but the right partner for you will not be scared off by candid questions about their picture for a long-term relationship. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My family loves the holidays. But last year, my mother passed away around this time, which was an incredibly sad time for everyone. I took it especially hard. Now that it’s a year later, there’s a weird feeling in the air, for me at least, that the holidays won’t be the same ever again. My husband and two daughters are usually a very festive family, but I’m worried I’ll forever associate her death with the holidays. I don’t want to be a drag. How can I grieve for and remember my mother, without depressing the spirit of the season? The answer: My sincere condolences on the loss of your mother. Nine years ago my father died – unexpectedly and at a very young age – around this time of the year, so I can understand how difficult this is not only from a professional perspective, but also from a personal one. The death of someone dear to us takes a huge toll on the happiness and joy we may usually experience around the holidays. I can promise you it won’t always feel as hard as it does this year. You will always think of and remember your mom, and miss her presence, but you won’t always feel the depth of sadness that you are right now. The year of “firsts” is always the most difficult: the first birthdays, the first Mother’s Day – and the first holiday season. Give yourself permission to be easy on yourself this year. Two things I would suggest: First, have an open and candid discussion with your husband and your daughters. This conversation should be age-appropriate, given the developmental stage your girls are at. Be honest. Let them know that you know how much your family loves the holidays, but this year you are feeling sad and not in a very celebratory mood. Be candid in conveying that you want them to have fun, but you want things to be a little lower key than usual. You may be surprised to learn that they also feel awkward about how to approach the season and may welcome you speaking openly about this, particularly if they have observed the impact your mother’s death has had on you over the past year. Second: Find a way to honour and incorporate the memory of your mother in the season’s celebrations. Involve your girls in this discussion. Ask them how they think Grandma would like to be remembered, and what things you could do as a family to remember her. You could light a candle; pull out some of her favourite Christmas decorations; go to a place or engage in an activity she loved; or visit her grave or a place where you have shared positive memories with her. Often a big factor that holds us back from wanting to celebrate after a loved one passes relates to guilt – guilt at being happy when our loved one is no longer here. We may feel like we don’t have the right to celebrate when their life has ended, or somehow feel that we are betraying their memory if we are having fun. Know that none of these things are true. Enjoying and celebrating the present, with your family who is with you, in no way negates the love you’ve had for your mother. The best way to honour the memories of those we have lost is to maximize our enjoyment of our loved ones while they are alive. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I divorced my wife earlier this year. We had been married nine years and have two young children, but it just wasn’t working out. We agreed she gets to have the children this Christmas. But there’s honestly nothing I loved more than Christmas morning with my children. I’m not looking forward to Dec. 25 any more. I don’t know how to get over missing them – and how can I even start a new tradition if I’m alone? The answer: A divorce, particularly when children are involved, can be one of the hardest life experiences to deal with. Certain times of the years (holidays, birthdays) amplify the pain that comes along with not having your once-intact family configuration. Your goal should not be to get over missing them (as that is a normal reaction from a loving parent) but rather to find a “new normal.” This won’t happen immediately, and having that expectation will only make the situation harder. So first: Accept that this will be a difficult year, and you will likely feel sad and miss your kids – but it will get better with time (it may sound clichéd, but time does always heal). Missing your kids – and the sadness and loneliness that comes along with that – is not an emotion to shove away. Our emotions are a signal to our brain and body that we are experiencing something that impacts an important part of our life and what we value. Those emotions validate that how much your kids mean to you, how much family means to you, and that you wish the situation to be different. All too often we want to shove away our negative emotional states. But that rarely turns out well, as emotions often rear their heads later on. So allow yourself – give yourself permission – to experience the sadness this year. Our emotions also provide us with the motivation to take some kind of action, to do something differently. You said that you and your wife agreed that she gets to have the children this Christmas. Could you have an honest conversation with her about how you are feeling? Let her know that your intent is not to renege on your agreement, but you didn’t realize how sad you’d feel about not seeing the kids this year. Ask her if there is some compromise the two of you could come to: Maybe you could have some time with them in the afternoon or evening? Let her know that you will be flexible with her time with them when it comes to next Christmas. If this is unacceptable to her for whatever reason, perhaps you could find a way to speak to them by phone or Skype during the day? Or, choose another day to be your family Christmas day – Dec. 25 is just an arbitrary day, after all. For example, if the kids are with you on Boxing Day, you could celebrate Christmas that date instead. I would encourage you to be proactive in planning how you will spend your time on Christmas. You may have a natural urge to withdraw and isolate yourself, but that will just amplify your low mood. Even though you may not feel like it at all, there is tremendous value in being around people you love and care about to help you through this first Christmas. At the very least, make plans with other family and friends. You’ll feel much better for it. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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