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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m curious about therapy, but not ready to commit to seeing someone on a regular basis. My aunt keeps encouraging me to read different self-help books. I assume it will be very difficult to follow through on all the advice in these books. Are they useful or a waste of my time? The answer: Fantastic question. You, like many people who have not tried therapy before, have some hesitations and apprehensions about making a regular commitment to undergoing treatment. This can be understandable if you have no reference point for what therapy may look like, if you have limited funds or coverage for treatment (this is unfortunately the biggest barrier for most people), or if you are not yet emotionally prepared to start to peel away the layers on some significant issue(s) in your life. Undertaking some self-directed work, with the aid of self-help books, can certainly be a great place to start. A plethora of self-help books exist on every topic under the sun. It can be overwhelming to know what to get given the range of books that are available. Start by doing your research. Look for recommendations from friends, read online reviews of books, and also look to reputable psychological/mental health websites that offer suggestions. If you visit my website and go to Individual/Employee Resources, you will see that I have listed a range of freely available and downloadable treatment materials that I have co-authored (on depression, coping with chronic health conditions, dealing with suicidality). I have also listed useful websites that offer other recommendations, as well as a list – by topic – of books and treatment manuals that I recommend. There are a few guidelines to follow as you are undertaking your search: find books that have been around for some time and that have solid reviews behind them; look for books authored by licensed professionals (where the author is described as being “registered” or “licensed” in their jurisdiction of practice) and look for words such as “evidence” or “research-based.” This will help ensure you are accessing high-quality resources. Certainly the level of benefit you obtain from self-help materials depends on a combination of the nature of your presenting issues, and the severity of those issues. Research supports the benefit of self-guided work (through self-help or self-management) of the common mental health conditions (depression and anxiety) when those issues are in the mild to moderate range of severity. As presenting issues move into more serious levels – for example, if you are experiencing a significant impact on your ability to fulfill your day-to-day obligations and tasks – then self-help materials are most helpful when they are augmented by the assistance of a health professional who helps you work through your difficulties. Also remember that you can meet a therapist once or twice to get further information without necessarily having to undertake an intensive course of treatment. In my practice, I see many high-functioning individuals who find a session every four to six weeks is enough to help keep them on track with other work they are doing independently in between our sessions. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
Lately I’ve been feeling uninterested in socializing. All I want to do is stay home and have netflix marathons. I’ve been feeling like this for about two months. Should I be worried I’m no longer wanting to spend time with friends and family – which I used to enjoy? The answer: All of us can benefit from the occasional TV binge. It can give us time to unwind from the day-to-day grind of our lives and give us an opportunity to recharge. However, if your tendency to avoid people has been going on for weeks or months on end, there may be cause for concern. Periods of feeling down or sad are common for all of us; most of the time when we feel this way, we aren’t depressed. Usually, mood changes will go away on their own within a few days or weeks, especially as stressors that commonly cause these mood changes start to resolve. For some people, mood issues may continue for weeks or longer. If you find that you have been feeling sad or down and have had little interest in things you normally enjoy, like spending time with friends, for an extended period, it’s possible you are struggling with an emotional problem like depression. Depression is one of the most common psychological health conditions and affects one out of four people over the course of their lifetime. Contrary to popular belief, depression doesn’t always mean feeling sad or tearful – for some people, a “depressed” mood may feel like irritability or frustration, and for others it may be associated with feeling “flat” or feeling “nothing.” Depression comes along with other problems that may include:
If you are feeling any of the above – particularly if you are having dark thoughts – you should speak to your family doctor or a psychologist or psychiatrist. There are very effective treatments for depression, including cognitive-behavioural therapy, interpersonal therapy and, for some people, medication therapy. With time and the right treatment, you can get better. You may be able to access free services through your local mental health agency (see www.cmha.ca for a Canadian Mental Health Association office near you). By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
It’s clear to our entire family that my adult sister has big emotional issues, but she won’t recognize this fact. How do I deal with her mood swings in a loving way, but also not promote further outbursts that seem to only be brought on for attention? The answer: Speaking to anyone who is in denial about their personal issues is difficult in the best of times. But the challenges become particularly amplified when a relationship with an immediate family member is potentially at stake. A sibling bond is unique and special in so many ways, given the shared experiences – after all, no one better understands parents and family issues better than someone who was raised in the same environment. Yet our sibling relationships are often the most complex as well, particularly when elements such as competition, jealousy or insecurity play a role. You care about your sister and want to be supportive, yet seem to be struggling with being available as a support for her, but also establishing boundaries for what behaviours of hers you will tolerate. The first thing you want to do is offer to provide support to your sister, if you haven’t already done this. (“I’m concerned about you, and want to help however I can.”) When communicating with her, ensure that she doesn’t feel ganged-up on by the family. Speaking to her one-on-one, without others there, is the most respectful way to approach this. Don’t be blaming or accusatory, and stick to the facts of what you observe, as well as the impact on you. (“I felt extremely hurt when you yelled at me last week for disagreeing with your opinion on what we should do for dinner.”) Ask her what you can do differently to help improve the relationship. Ask yourself what your contribution to her outbursts may be. When there is a long history of problematic behaviour in a relationship, friends and family members often, without even realizing it, react in sarcastic or passive-aggressive ways, given their understandably pent-up frustration. Be mindful of patterns that trigger her. Are there certain topics that push her buttons which you can simply avoid (say, talking about careers or relationships)? Identify your hard and fast boundaries in the relationship. For example, you may decide that you will no longer tolerate her yelling or using profanity in disagreements. Figure out what your response will be (for example, ending the visit). Verbalize what you are doing and why. (“I find myself getting very upset when you swear at me, and I’m choosing not to be around you if that’s how the conversation is going to go, so I am leaving.”) Then, consistently stick to this. Often, emotional outbursts get reinforced because the family doesn’t implement consequences to the behaviour. Your establishment of clear and consistent boundaries may serve as a catalyst for her to change. Finally, realize that the only actions you can control are those of your own. We are stuck with the family we have for the long haul, but remember that we can maintain love for them – without always having to like them. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I hate giving and receiving gifts. It seems so materialistic to me – but everyone around me seems to just love it at this time of year. Is there something wrong with me? How can I mentally get behind the idea of gift giving? The answer: Christmas has become an increasingly commercialized holiday: you are not alone in your feelings about gifts. I would challenge your perception that everyone around you seems to love it at this time of year – although many people outwardly may seem to love the holiday season and all the associated traditions. I think if you were to ask people, you’d be surprised at how many share your sentiments. The Christmas holiday itself is religious – but more broadly is viewed by even those with non-religious views as being a time of celebration, love, and giving. The gift component can take away from the true spirit and intent of Christmas, particularly when an emphasis is placed on what one “wants” and is “getting”. The reality is that the holiday season can also become a hugely taxing time of year from a financial perspective. Unfortunately, the focus on gift giving adds to the social pressure that many feel to “keep up with the Joneses”. The net effect is that individuals often get in real financial debt, which is one of the biggest reasons why the Christmas holidays (and the January aftermath) become the most stressful time of year for many. Instead of trying to accept something that is inconsistent with your beliefs, speak openly with your loved ones and others that you exchange gifts with about how you feel. I think you may be surprised at the reaction that you get. Do not be shy about expressing your underlying reasons, which stem from the values you hold. Indicate that you feel that the holiday season and gift-giving is becoming overly materialistic, and that you would like to think of adding some new traditions this year. Propose setting a monetary limit or gifts, or only giving hand-made gifts. Suggest keeping the gift giving for children only. Think about having a Secret Santa gift exchange (where everyone brings one gift, and each person receives only one). Or, propose adopting a family in need and providing gifts to that family. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m a guy who loves his girlfriend, but that doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to other women. I’m in my 20s and making good money. Is it a bad idea to sow my wild oats now, before I’m fully committed? The answer: Umm … the fact that you are asking whether you should “sow your wild oats” – with your financial situation being one of the highlighted reasons why – tells me you need to do some serious thinking about what you want at this point in your life, and what you want to do about your relationship. Out of fairness to your girlfriend, this is something you should figure out sooner rather than later. There’s no judgment here: How you approach dating, and whether you have regrets about not dating more people before becoming more committed, is something only you can answer. Some people can be immensely happy, fulfilled and have no regrets despite having only one partner in their life; others feel that the best thing they could have done was to get dating “out of their system” before they got married or started a family. Don’t become overly distressed just at being attracted to someone. I see many people in my patient practice that are in loving, committed relationships, and who remain faithful to their partners, but find themselves attracted to others. These feelings are a natural part of being human; they often pass and usually mean nothing. It’s not whether you are attracted to other people that’s a problem – it’s what you do based on the attraction. Ask yourself: Do you find yourself getting too caught up in the attraction? Do you start to fantasize about being with someone else on a regular basis? Do you have thoughts of wanting to cheat on your girlfriend? If so, these are strong signs that you are not ready to be settling down at this stage in your life.You say you love your girlfriend. Do you picture being with her long-term? Could you imagine yourself married to her, or having children with her? Does the thought of her in your foreseeable future create positive feelings (comfort, peace, security, happiness, joy)? Or do you find yourself feeling anxious or stifled when you imagine this? And finally, how do you feel when you think about ending the relationship with your girlfriend? How do you feel when you envision her dating someone else? Keep in mind that dating life may not be what you imagined it to be, that you’d need to have a clear break in your relationship in fairness to your girlfriend. Realize that she will likely move on and may not be there if you were to decide to go back to her. Ultimately you need to trust your gut feeling and go with what seems to be the right thing for you. If it is dating other people, end things with your girlfriend in a respectful way and move on. You’re better ending things now when you are still young, and before things get more serious. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
After being happily divorced for 35 years, I met a man my age (I’m 65) who is also divorced. We’ve been dating for almost 2 years now and I think I’m in love. The problem? He has a very good female friend that he’s known for decades. She’s also divorced and they have never been anything more than friends. Strangely, she has made it clear to him and to me that she hates the idea of me being in his life. She is very dependent on him to help her at home, which I don’t object to. But he does spend far too much time with her when he’s not helping with the chores. While I don’t suspect him of infidelity, I’m beginning to think he has more complex feelings for her than he’s let on. At this age, am I just being petty and suspicious? The answer: Our emotional reactions serve as a temperature gauge of how we feel about circumstances in our lives. When they’re positive, our emotions help validate that things are as we wish them to be; when negative or distressing, they give us a sign that something important to us is being threatened in some capacity. It’s important to pay attention to what you perceive to be potentially threatened, then (importantly) ask yourself: Is your reaction accurate and valid given the situation? Jealousy is one of the most toxic emotions we can experience. It often has a very intense, almost obsessive flavour to it. Feelings of jealousy are most commonly triggered when we have the perception that we will lose someone or something that we are strongly attached to. Anxiety, fear and insecurity are often associated emotions. It can be hard to shake jealousy, and once we are sucked into its vacuum, we tend to – often disproportionately – view behaviours of others as being evidence that supports our belief. You certainly aren’t being petty: Your emotions relate to a relationship in your life that is clearly an important one. Whether or not you are being suspicious depends on whether your interpretations (“She hates the idea of me being in his life,” or, “He has more complex feelings for her than he’s let on”) are accurate, or whether they are misinterpretations of an otherwise benign relationship. You need to have an open and honest conversation with your partner. Approach the conversation in a non-accusatory manner. If you jump into it already thinking he is guilty of something inappropriate, you will shut down the lines of communication quickly. Let him know that you trust him and don’t suspect he has been unfaithful. Ask him to describe his feelings for his friend (without making assumptions). Convey how you feel about the situation and listen. It may be that he has very little sense of how his relationship with his long-time friend has been affecting you. Ultimately, the two of you need to come to some agreements. You need to have respect for a friendship that has been in his life for decades before you entered it, and he needs to set some parameters with his female friend that demonstrate respect for you. For example, he can tell her that he is unwilling to tolerate any negative or disparaging comments about your relationship. Don’t forget that she has been in his life for a very long time. If he wanted a relationship with her, he likely would have long before you came into his life. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I have a close friend I’ve known for 20 years who still can’t control her temper. Once or twice a year she completely loses it – yelling, screaming at me, an adult version of what you expect from a four-year-old’s tantrum. Later she’s ashamed and mortified. What can she do? What can I do? The answer: No matter how hard we wish, we simply do not have the ability to change other people. The only person we have control over is ourselves, and that alone can be difficult to do even in the best of times. So, there are only two things you can do: Monitor – and, more importantly, modify – your responses to your friend’s tantrums, and offer to support her if she wants to make changes. One of two things usually explains the presence of longstanding, ingrained behaviours that have lasted decades; the most likely situation is that your friend’s intermittent outbursts are working for her. Ostensibly, they allow her to communicate her distress to those around her. Likely, her outbursts have the actual effect of modifying the behaviours of those in her environment. But unfortunately, the negative consequences (feeling shame, feeling mortified) haven’t been sufficient in motivating her to make changes to her behaviour. Another less likely, but certainly tenable, possibility is that she truly has wanted to change, but hasn’t found the tools she needs to do it. By tools, I mean alternate strategies to manage and cope with trigger factors, and effective ways to communicate how she is feeling to others. Tantrum-like behaviour, for children and adults alike, is really just communication behaviour. Psychological or substance-use factors can certainly contribute (a personality disorder, or alcohol or drug use), but essentially she is making a decision to act or react in a particular way. Ask yourself: How do you respond to her behaviour? It sounds as though, at some level, you have tolerated her actions. What factors trigger her to react this way to you? What do you do (or not do) after she reacts this way? And, have you given her feedback about the impact on you? What contribution do you make to the situation, if any? I do not ask this in a blaming way, but I want to ensure that you are not engaging in similarly inappropriate behaviour toward her. Assuming that you do not play any significant role in her behaviour, you need to have a very blunt conversation with your friend. Let her know in no uncertain terms that the way she acts is unacceptable, and although you have tolerated it, you will not continue to do so. Let her know that you value her friendship and are prepared to help her develop skills that can better control her anger. Offer to help her understand what her triggers are, and seek professional help from a mental-health professional with expertise in anger-management skills. The Anger Management Sourcebook, by Glenn Schiraldi and Melissa Kerr, offers cognitive-behavioural strategies that teach people to identify personal triggers of anger – and better cope with those feelings. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I am admittedly a moody person – I can go from joyous to grumpy in a matter of hours without any real reasons. My wife recently sat me down and addressed this: she thinks it’s a sign of a mental disorder. Can’t someone just ‘be moody’? Do I really need to see a shrink? The answer: Great question. Changes in mood or emotional states are a normal part of the human experience for all of us. There are very adaptive reasons we experience a range of mood states – both those that feel positive, as well as those that may feel negative. Our emotions serve a motivating function, and they can communicate important things to both ourselves and to others around us about experiences we are dealing with. A number of factors can impact our mood: overall life situations, current stressors, or the amount of sleep we have had, to just name a few. Certainly there are also individual differences in personalities – where some of us tend to be happier or more even-keeled regardless of what is going on around us, others are more susceptible to more frequent shifts in their mood. So, the simple answer is that yes – sometimes people can just “be moody”. That said, frequent changes in mood can sometimes be a sign of a more serious psychological health condition that needs attention (such as a depression, an anxiety disorder, or a personality disorder). Other times, moodiness may warrant attention even if there is no underlying clinical condition. There are a few situations in which seeking some additional assistance may be warranted: 1) If the mood issues are creating some distress or negative impact in terms of your happiness, enjoyment, or overall quality of life; 2) If the mood issues are significant impacting other relationships in your life (e.g., with friends, your partner, or other family); or 3) If the mood issues are impacting your ability to effectively carry out other important responsibilities in your life, such as your ability to do your job or your ability to parent. You describe the changes in terms of extremes – “joyous” to “grumpy” with no reason can be completely normal for most of us on occasion. Now, if these changes are occurring on a regular basis and are consistently unpredictable it may be helpful to understand why. Certainly moods can sometimes change without any real reason, but often there are contributors (such as our stress levels, behaviours, or ways we are thinking) that can be the culprit. I would also pay attention to the fact that your wife is raising this as an issue – irrespective of whether there is or is not any underlying psychological condition, your mood changes seem to be having an impact on the quality of your marital relationship, and it would be helpful to understand why or how this is happening. This doesn’t mean that you are fully to blame, but any time any of our behaviours are impacting our partner it is important to try to work to collectively solve issues in a way that the overall quality of the relationship may be enhanced. Ask your wife how she is impacted by your admitted moodiness, and what you (and she) can both do that may work to improve things for both of you. You may find an initial consultation session with a professional who has expertise in couples/relationship issues may be helpful for both of you. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My colleague received a promotion I thought I should have gotten. Frankly, I’m not impressed with his “work ethic,” but he’s good at playing office politics. How can I get over my disappointment and act civilly around him when I feel he’s dogging it? The answer: Actual or perceived unfairness in the workplace, particularly when it pertains to important outcomes such as a promotion, can have a tremendous impact on your job satisfaction. It is normal to feel disappointed, frustrated and perhaps even angry. What is great is that you seem to have a mature perspective on the situation, and I commend you for wanting to work to overcome your disappointment and also to figure out how to deal civilly with your colleague. I would suggest a few things. First, think about what it is that your colleague did (or didn’t do) that may have contributed to him getting the promotion. As human beings, we tend to enter a state of cognitive constriction when faced with a stressful situation – we paint the entire situation or object of our discontent with broad strokes. This means that you may be very naturally focusing only on your colleague’s negative attributes. Try to articulate the behaviours and approaches that may have contributed to him obtaining the promotion. Writing these down can help bring some objectivity to the situation. Be precise. I don’t mean to negate the impact of his astuteness in playing office politics, but it may be that there were some things that he was doing that truly did enhance his chances at getting the promotion. This information may equip you to know how to approach your position in future, and may lessen the negative emotions you are feeling toward him. Request a meeting with your manager/supervisor or the human resources professional that made the hiring decision. Express that you want to determine what you can do differently and which areas you can improve upon. Indicate that you are committed to your job, and that you would like to move ahead in the company. If it seems appropriate given your relationship with the person you are speaking to, you could respectfully convey that you thought you were a strong candidate for the position. Ask what you could have done that would have helped you land the promotion. Avoid bad-mouthing your colleague. Stay focused on your areas of improvement. Ask for actionable feedback, both positive and negative. Then request a follow-up meeting to evaluate how you are doing. When interacting with your colleague, be very mindful of your internal evaluations about him. It is stunning how powerful our thoughts can be in shaping both our behaviours as well as our emotional reactions to others. For example, if you find you are repeatedly saying things to yourself such as “he’s such a jerk, he didn’t deserve that promotion” when you see him, that will likely shift your demeanour in a more negative direction. Catch those thoughts, and replace them with more objective, non-judgmental ones, such as “I feel strongly that he didn’t deserve the promotion, but he got it and I need to move forward. Rather than focusing on him, I am going to focus on what I can do differently.” This may sound simple, but our thoughts can be very powerful in shifting our mood. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My friend has been pining over a guy who is stringing her along. It’s been over a year now. How do I convince her it’s time to move on? The answer: Unfortunately, when it comes to matters of the heart, there is very little if anything that any of us can do to “convince” someone to feel (or not feel) a certain way. That said, watching someone you love and care about be in a relationship with someone who is not treating them well, or where they are not getting what they deserve, can be nerve-wracking and frustrating. Remember that your primary role as a friend is to love and unconditionally support her and her decisions. At the same time, be honest about how you feel. You don’t have to pretend that you like the guy she is interested in. If you haven’t already done so, let your friend know that you love her. Describe the type of person you would like to see her with, and communicate why that is important to you (e.g., “you are such a kind and caring person, you deserve to be with a guy who is there for you when you are having a bad day, not someone who takes a week to get back to you”). Let her know that you are there for her and will always support her decisions, but that as her friend you want to also be honest about how you feel. You can be specific about the types of behaviours you see this guy engaging in that worry or concern you. Convey that you understand she cares for this guy. Try not to be overly critical, as bad-mouthing him may alienate your friend, or lead to her feeling that you are criticizing her. Try to understand what it is that is keeping her hooked with this guy: attempt to genuinely understand things from her perspective. Be open to the fact that there are elements of the ‘relationship’ that are working well for her. Ask if she is happy and okay with the situation. If the answer is yes, your job as a friend may be to simply accept her decisions and not judge. If the answer is no, try to understand what is keeping her engaged. Does she feel like she doesn’t deserve any better? Is she insecure? Is she having a hard time meeting other people? If so you may want to try to focus on talking about these things with her, and being a supportive friend that helps her to problem-solve ways to overcome the barriers that keep her in this relationship. Ultimately, though, remember that it remains her decision, and that your role is to support and accept (not necessarily agree with) your friend’s decisions. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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