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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My mother-in-law is hypercritical of my husband in front of us both. My husband is understandably upset by this and I have to admit it’s starting to get to me as well. Is it in my place to say something? Or does it need to come from him? The answer: Being unfairly criticized by anyone (a boss, a partner, a friend) is upsetting no matter what the circumstances. Throw into the mix being an adult child who is being criticized in front of his partner, and you have a situation that will, not surprisingly, trigger a range of negative emotions, including embarrassment, shame, sadness and anger. In-law relationships can be one of the most sensitive relationships to navigate around. No matter how close you are with your in-laws, the reality is most people need to approach potential difficulties with their partner’s family even more gently than they would with their own. Recognizing that your mother-in-law is being hypercritical is an important first step. If you haven’t already done so, let your husband know you are aware that her behaviour is unfair and inappropriate, and that it upsets you. You may want to tell him that you can understand how uncomfortable it may make him feel, and reassure him that your opinion of him is not affected in any way by what she says. Encourage and support your husband to talk directly to his mother. You may want to try to understand what gets in the way of him expressing to her how hurtful her behaviour is. Is he worried he may hurt her feelings? Has he just tolerated her behaviour most of his life? Is he not sure what exactly to say to her? You could help your husband brainstorm ways to address his mother’s behaviour toward him (ideally without you present, as this may make it more likely that she is responsive to his feedback). If your husband finds it difficult (or ineffective) to talk to his mother, you may want to (only with your husband’s permission) have a one-on-one conversation with her, explaining to her how upsetting her behaviour is to him. Finally, if despite both of your best efforts her behaviour isn’t changing (which it may not) you could try to minimize her comments. When she starts to criticize your husband, try changing the topic (you may try this gently, or be more blatant about it if her criticisms are highly inappropriate). Or, counterbalance what she is saying with positive things about your husband – so if she is criticizing his parenting behaviour, you could give examples of how he is a wonderful father. Dr. John Gottman’s The Relationship Cure is an excellent book that provides useful strategies to repair and strengthen a range of relationships in our lives. The book helps us understand the unhelpful patterns that we can get into in our important relationships, and provides useful strategies for approaching our key relationships in helpful ways. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My four-year-old categorically ignores me. I think my requests are age-appropriate: put your shoes on, wash your hands etc. I’ve tried explaining that if we don’t get these things done we can’t do the fun things such as going to the park. I had expected this behaviour might occur when he grew older, but at the age of four he already seems so distant from me. I hate that these beautiful sunny days are being spent battling over putting on shoes on rather than playing together. What can I do? The answer: Dealing with a defiant toddler can be challenging and frustrating, not to mention time-consuming. Intervening at this young age is great, as it can help to set some behavioural patterns and expectations that will continue as he gets older. The requests you are describing are age-appropriate (assuming that he is within normal developmental milestones). Keep in mind that a child’s behaviour is dependent upon a complex interplay of a few key factors: – Temperament/personality: certain kids are simply more compliant, easygoing and easier to parent – Developmental/emotional issues: children that are delayed developmentally for a range of issues or that are dealing with clinically significant emotional issues tend to display more behavioural difficulties (speak to a pediatrician or child psychologist if you have any concerns that there are any out of the ordinary health issues that may be contributing) – Behavioural expectations: this involves both the manner in which requests are made, as well as the rewards and consequences provided for behaviour that is consistent or inconsistent with those requests As a parent, the area of behavioural expectations is the one that you have most control over. Here are a few tips: – Take note of times and situations where your son is more likely to pay attention; you may notice some patterns in the factors that are more likely to lead to him listening to and complying with a request. Then, try to emulate those factors whenever possible. – When making requests, ensure that his attention is focused on you and that there are minimal distractions (i.e., no other children around, TV or radio is off, no toys in his hand). When making a request, be aware of your non-verbal behaviours (position yourself so you are facing your son eye-to-eye; make the request in a soft, gentle tone; remain calm and encouraging) and repeat the request if necessary. – Ask him to repeat your request (to ensure comprehension) – Reward him when behaviour is consistent with what you requested. Avoid rewards such as food or candy; the best reinforcers are interpersonal reinforcers (i.e., giving him a hug, smiling, thanking him, telling him you are proud of him). – Ensure there is a consequence when he is not compliant. Verbalize why the consequence is being given in a calm voice, and then provide a consequence. Consequences can involve taking a toy away, not engaging in something he finds enjoyable (e.g., going to the park), or expressing some verbal or nonverbal disapproval. Avoiding communicating frustration or anger. Contrary to popular belief, punishment is not the most effective behavioural strategy and can lead to a number of other negative sequelae. Be mindful of not inadvertently providing positive reinforcement at the same time you are providing a consequence (e.g., do not smile while providing a consequence). – Consistency is absolutely key. Ensure that you are as consistent as you possibly can be with rewards and consequences. This is essential, particularly in the early stages of trying to shape or modify certain behavioural patterns. It can be very difficult to do, particularly when parents are faced with multiple competing demands and when the consequences (e.g., not going to play outside in nice weather) also negatively impacts you. However, consistency is perhaps the single most important factor under your control, and has a significant impact on shaping children’s behavioural patterns. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I recently have had a string of deaths in the family, all from cancer. Now I stress out about every little bump on my body. I’ve been to the doctors, who say I’m fine, but I’m still anxious all the time. What can I do to not feel crazy? The answer: My sincere condolences on the deaths in your family. I’ve had multiple family members deal with cancer diagnoses, some at a very young age, and can personally appreciate the significant emotional toll it takes on everyone, including close family and friends. To be feeling stressed and worried about your health is very normal given the circumstances. Our emotions – positive and negative – all serve a purpose. They provide us with validation about things that are important to us, they motivate us toward action, and they communicate things to people around us. In your case, your anxiety is providing your brain and body a few messages: First, cancer is a reality that could affect anyone. And secondly, there is value in being attentive to your health, and obtaining a professional opinion on risks or concerns you may have. Your worry is also helping to communicate to your loved ones – from whom you may need support – that you are feeling sad about those you’ve lost and that you have concerns about your own health and possible mortality. In all cases, there is a shelf life on the value our worry has. Worry (or any other negative emotion) is helpful insofar as it serves a useful function. It sounds as though you are recognizing that you are past a stage that is helpful. You have sought medical advice, which I will assume has included a comprehensive medical checkup from a physician you trust, and had your concerns allayed. To be in a state where you are overly stressing or ruminating about any minor change or bump even when you have been told there is nothing to be concerned about is clearly not serving a useful role, and it is impacting your quality of life. Once worry starts, it can easily grow exponentially simply being fed by our (often unrealistic) thoughts. So, it’s important to actively work on challenging your thoughts and making them more realistic. Ask yourself (and write down) the answers to the following key questions when you find yourself getting caught in a state of worry:
I’ve co-authored a book that you can download for free titled Positive Coping with Health Conditions. It offers useful, evidence-based chapters on relaxation strategies, managing worry, and managing depressive thinking (which can often be a side effect of worry). These chapters offer cognitive and behavioural strategies that have been proven to reduce worry. Another great book is Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think, by Drs. Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m in my late 20s and have been married for close to two years. About 6 months ago, my in-laws decided to downsize and bought a townhouse on our street. While I respect and care for my husband’s family, I don’t appreciate living so close to his parents. I don’t feel like we have the same privacy any more. They show up unannounced and my husband is always visiting there. No one seems to think it’s an issue but me. How can I make this living situation work without building resentment? Or is it time for us to move? The answer: Uh oh, sounds like a case of too close for comfort is brewing. Navigating the waters with family – particularly in-laws – requires a tremendous amount of patience, tact and compromise. It is good that you are recognizing the potential for issues early on, before they have a detrimental impact on your relationship with your husband and his parents. There used to be a time when extended families, or living in close proximity to one another was the norm. This has shifted dramatically for a range of societal reasons. There are certainly benefits to having family live close by, such as having social supports nearby, being able to stay connected and foster a closer relationship, and being able to mutually support each other (e.g., as parents age, or if you and your husband have children). There is also, as you are recognizing, the potential for things to go awry, such as the invasion of your privacy and independent space, perhaps unrealistic expectations on everyone’s end of how much contact there should be, and a reduction in the one-to-one quality time you and your husband spend together. This can lead to frustration, resentment, and anger. You need to start by having an open conversation with your husband, being respectful and sensitive to the fact that these are his parents. Ask him how he feels about how things are going with the new living arrangement (he may surprise you by also feeling torn about how to deal with the proximity). Let him know what your concerns are. Start by emphasizing that you have two important goals: one, that you and he continue to have a strong and happy relationship with his parents; and two, that you want to ensure you and he – as your own family unit – continue to thrive as a couple and don’t have unnecessary conflict over family. Be mindful of focusing on the positives that there inevitably are of having them close by, as I suspect it is not all negative. I would suggest giving it a fair go of continuing to live where you do, but establishing some clear boundaries. Try to articulate what you specifically want. For example, rather than saying to your husband “I don’t want you going over there every other night” say, “I’d like you and I to have dinner together on weekdays so that we can catch up and spend time together.” If your in-laws drop by unexpectedly, you could say, “we love seeing you, but we’d really appreciate if you could call first just to make sure we are free to visit and not in the middle of something.” If subtle attempts to shift expectations don’t work, then your husband is the one who needs to have a more direct conversation with his family about setting the parameters for behaviour. If you start that discussion, there is the high likelihood you will be viewed as the “bad guy.” Be patient and give it a period of about six months to see if things get better. If not, then you may need to have discussions with your husband about whether moving is logistically the best option to maintain the overall happiness of everyone in your family. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My teenage daughter is always late, and it drives me crazy. She’s not a bad kid at all. But the moment I ask her what time she’ll be home, what time I can pick her up, what time she’ll be ready for dinner, she is never on time. The added frustration is that she’s not late by hours or anything – more like 20 to 30 minutes. So she always chalks it up as no big deal. Why can’t she see how wrong it is to be late? What can I do? The answer: As human beings, we are pretty simple creatures – much of our behaviour is driven by the consequences that follow. We continue to do things that feel good and are followed by positive outcomes (positive reinforcement), or the removal of a negative outcome such as nagging (negative reinforcement). Conversely, we tend to gravitate away from things that are followed by negative consequences (punishment) or when something that was previously reinforcing is removed altogether (extinction). Of all of the reinforcement schedules, positive reinforcement is the most powerful and, contrary to popular belief, punishment is the most problematic. It can lead to other negative responses such as resentment or anger, particularly when it relates to parenting. Not surprisingly, consequences that immediately follow behaviours (short-term consequences) tend to be more powerful predictors of behaviour than those that are delayed by hours, days or years (long-term consequences) – particularly for kids and adolescents, where the ability to delay gratification is still being developed. The issue you are faced with is not how to convince your daughter that her behaviour is wrong – after all, “wrong” places a judgmental value on a behaviour that, as you have said yourself, is not bad so much as it is frustrating. And – as anyone with a teen can attest – you can try to talk, talk, talk all you want to convince your teen that you are right, but that and a toonie may only get you a cup of coffee on a good day. What you need to do is ask yourself how you are reinforcing her behaviour. And then stop. Immediately. Put yourself in your daughter’s shoes for a moment. If you were her, and you were picked up on time, dinner was ready and waiting, and not a moment of your precious teenage time was spent waiting around for the parental chauffeur-chef, what motivation would you have to change? For the next month, do the following: Since she is consistently 20 to 30 minutes late, don’t show up for at least 35 to 45 minutes after she had requested a pick-up (assuming, of course, none of these are safety-sensitive situations, such as a late-night party). If she provides a time for dinner and doesn’t show up, put away her food when she is late, so that she can warm it up on her own when she gets home. Be consistent in your behaviour, and execute it with a smile on your face. It likely won’t take too long before she realizes waiting around may be a bigger deal than she thought. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. The question:
I’ve been taking a low dose birth control pill for about a year now and I’m wondering how much of an effect the hormones can have on my mood. I’ve always suffered from mild anxiety, but lately I just don’t feel like myself. I could be fine one minute and the next I feel a rush of anxious energy, worry and sadness. Could it be the pills and should I stop taking them? The answer: Virtually any pharmaceutical – particularly one that is focused specifically on hormonal regulation – has the potential to impact mood. Sadness, anxiety, as well as irritability or sleeplessness are among the most common potential consequences. Speaking to your family doctor about the changes you have noticed is an important first step. There may be a pill that is a better fit for your body, or alternative forms of birth control may be options to consider. It is equally important for you to consider other situational or life events that may be impacting your anxiety. Interestingly, as humans we generally tend to be pretty poor and often inaccurate in our attributions of what factors affect our emotional and physical health. This can be chalked up to a case of being “too close to home” when it comes to factors that affect us. You say you’ve always suffered from mild anxiety – do you have a sense of what factors (situations, scenarios, concerns, people) contribute to the anxiety for you? Putting pen to paper and articulating in writing the personal contributors is a good way to gain some insight. What is going on in your life right now? Pay attention to changes that may be exacerbating your anxiety. Relationship conflict, work stress and financial concerns tend to be the most common culprits. Even positive life events – such as a having a baby, getting a promotion, or moving – tax our physical and emotional resources and can lead to our body feeling “stressed” (our body doesn’t discriminate between good stress and bad stress!). How is your health generally? Have you been exercising? Eating relatively balanced meals? Getting adequate amounts of sleep? Targeting these areas if they have fallen short, and also minimizing alcohol use, is important. The best way to make sense of triggers and contributing factors to your mood is to keep a daily diary for a week or two. Start from when you wake up, and make an hourly (or close to) entry of the following: your mood, what you are doing, and any particular thoughts you are aware you have been having. Review this with your family doctor, and ensure you have had an up to date physical examination as other health issues (e.g., anemia, thyroid dysregulation) could also be playing a role. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. The question:
Should I date my co-worker and mix business with pleasure? I take my work seriously but I’m torn because I don’t want to pass up the opportunity of meeting someone great either. Office romances seem to work for some, but could I be complicating matters? The answer: Ah, the office romance: tempting, and (potentially) highly troublesome. Good on you for approaching this cautiously and thoughtfully – as the best thing you can do is weigh the pros and cons and have an open conversation with your co-worker/romantic interest before anything ensues. There are a number of considerations when it comes to work, the object of your affection, and your knowledge of yourself. With respect to work, how closely do the two of you work together and what is your professional relationship? Dating a co-worker who works on a different floor in a company of 300 is different than dating someone whose cubicle is next to yours in a startup company of 10. What is your reporting relationship? If either of you are in a position of power (i.e., supervisory or potentially evaluative role), it’s probably best to not go down that road. And, how important is this position to you? Are you on a time-limited contract where you see an end in sight to your position, or is this a permanent role and an employer you foresee staying with for the long-term? What do you know about your co-worker? What are the qualities that you are attracted to? Is this someone who makes dating co-workers a habit? Is it just a short-term infatuation/physical attraction, or from the information you have is this truly someone you could see in your life for a period of time? Finally, be brutally honest with yourself and how you are in relationships. Past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour, so ask yourself how you have dealt with relationships that didn’t work out in the past. Are you someone who is able to stay grounded and remain cordial with those you have dated? Are you someone who becomes overly attached very quickly, and becomes highly emotional or upset when even short-term dating situations don’t work out? If, after considering the above, you feel that the benefits of pursuing this relationship outweigh the potential cons, have a candid conversation with your co-worker. Lay the concerns you have out on the table and listen to their perspective. If you both decide to proceed, be mindful of going slow and steady, given the stakes are higher if things don’t work out. Also try to hold off on getting physically involved until you know there is compatibility in terms of personalities and short and long-term relationship goals. The reality is that the workplace often becomes the predominant place we meet people (both friends and romantic interests), particularly as we move out of our 20s. And as a result, why pass up something that potentially could be highly fulfilling and meaningful. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. The question:
When we got married my husband said he wanted to have kids. Now, several years into our marriage he has decided that kids are not part of his future. I still desperately want to have children. Knowing that there isn’t much to compromise on this, what should I do? Do I wait for him to potentially change his mind (which he has said could happen but could not) or start filling out the divorce papers? The answer: Every couple faces two types of issues in their relationship: solvable and perpetual problems. Solvable issues for one couple can be perpetual issues for another, and vice versa. An important part of resolving conflict in a relationship involves accurately identifying which type of problem you are facing, as that determines how to move forward. Often, couples confound the two, and reach a stalemate if they are approaching the issue with a mismatched approach. Solvable problems are those that have potential workarounds, meaning a solution can be both found and maintained with appropriate dialogue. These are about a situational issue, and often don’t have deeper meaning when it comes to one or both partners’ personality or fundamental needs. Perpetual problems are those that relate to fundamental differences in personalities or lifestyle needs. Research demonstrates that couples need to initiate effective dialogue about their perpetual issues to effectively move forward, otherwise they become engaged in gridlocked conflict. There are two important things you have mentioned: that your husband has previously voiced a desire for children, and he also indicates that he may change his mind. Have the two of you been able to have effective dialogue about what has lead him to change his mind yet be somewhat open to this changing in the future? Are there other factors at play, such as job uncertainty, concerns about finances, or other core relationship problems that the two of you have? If there are contributing factors to his decision that are solvable, the approach would be to target those first. Or, is his stance on children independent of the quality of your relationship or other extrinsic factors? If it boils down to a fundamental difference in your lifestyle needs for the future, the two of you have some more difficult discussions and decisions to make. Ultimately, it comes down to weighing how much importance each of you places on your relationship over children. One of you either has to accept the other’s position (which could lead to long-term resentment and contempt in the relationship) or make a decision to end the relationship. One thing is for certain, forcing the issue of kids if your partner is strongly voicing he doesn’t want them is a no-win situation. I’ve seen many couples where the husband eventually succumbs even though he has repeatedly voiced not wanting children, and this more often than not leads to significant problems in the long-term. Emotional disengagement, lack of emotional and physical intimacy, and lack of involvement in child-rearing are all potential consequences. Dr. John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert is an excellent book that I would recommend you and your husband read through together to help you navigate the tricky waters of having these conversations. If you find the two of you are unable to effectively move forward, I would suggest seeing a couples therapist to exhaust all other options before you consider potentially making the difficult decision to end your marriage. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My husband takes vacations on his own. He does also go on holidays with my daughter and me, but I’m feeling a little resentful of his solo time off. Am I wrong to feel that way? The answer: There is a lot to be said for the value and importance of couples – particularly those with kids – having time away from each other. Time apart can give people a chance to recharge, to devote time and attention to one’s own needs separate from the demands of others, and to appreciate their spouse. Whenever I see couples in my patient practice, I explain to them that there are four separate units they need to pay attention to and nurture: the couple unit, the family unit (including kids and other extended family members), and each partner as an individual unit. When any of these areas are not given adequate time, attention or nurturance, the other units suffer. Now, how much energy and attention is given (or needs to be given) to each of these is based on a number of factors, not least of which is what each couple or family’s needs are as well as what logistically and pragmatically works for them. You ask if you are wrong to feel resentful of your husband’s solo time off. I feel very strongly that we are never wrong to feel what we feel. A better question to ask is why are you feeling the way that you do, and what can you do that can improve the situation. Resentment at its heart has an element of actual or perceived unfairness. So it seems that you feel the fact that he gets solo vacations is unfair, and I’m making the assumption that you are not getting similar time off yourself. Assuming there are no other concerns that you have about his vacations away (such as potential infidelity), there is one of two things that can be done to level the playing field: He can stop taking his time away or you can find ways to get your own solo time. I would lean toward the latter as being the best solution. I would speak openly with your husband about this. But before you have the conversation, ask yourself what it is specifically that you want. Do you want time away by yourself? With girlfriends or family? Do you wish you had vacations with him only, without your daughter? What is it about the time away that you value most? Is it time away from regular routine and responsibilities? Perhaps an opportunity for you to recharge? Bonding time with friends or your husband? Articulate what you feel resentful about missing. Then speak to your husband about how the two of you can work as a family to ensure you also create this time for yourself. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
When is retail therapy unhealthy? The answer: “Retail therapy” is a tongue-in-cheek term we tend to use (especially us women) to refer to shopping behaviour that has the primary aim of improving our emotional state. Getting something new that we like can naturally make us feel good – particularly when it is something that may contribute to enhancing our self-esteem or confidence, such as clothes, shoes or makeup. The natural little high that comes along with this is very normal and for the majority of people will not become problematic. But some people may find that they have an urge to shop when they are sad, depressed, anxious or even angry. Although this can lead to a temporary lift in mood, often our decision-making is poor when we are experiencing negative emotions and we may make choices we later regret. There are three key questions to ask yourself to determine whether your shopping behaviour is unhealthy: 1. Do you get the urge to shop particularly when you are experiencing negative emotions? 2. Do you find it difficult to resist the urge to shop during these times? 3. Is your behaviour resulting in negative results effects (e.g., are you getting yourself into financial debt; do you feel guilty afterward; is it creating conflict with your partner)? If you answer yes to one or more of these questions, you are likely engaging in shopping behaviour that is unhealthy. There are a few things that you can do to work on this. First, articulate the negative effects of your behaviour. Write them down and be specific. Put this list somewhere visible. Second, identify which particular moods tend to increase the likelihood that you will engage in “retail therapy.” Work to regulate these negative emotions. Seek treatment for underlying mood issues if these have been unaddressed. Try instead different activities that will intrinsically improve your mood, such as visiting with a friend or going for a walk. Third, Third, consider what environmental triggers urge you to shop (e.g., a fight with your partner, a bad day at work). Work on a solution to these situations because targeting the underlying cause will be more effective than focusing strictly on the shopping behaviour. Fourth, put a price to your behaviour. What is this costing you on a monthly basis? And how is that interfering with other short- and long-term financial goals you have? Finally, make a commitment to change your behaviour. Be specific about what you are going to do. And start immediately. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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