By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My friend treats her dog more like a child than a pet. When I invite her over, she’s always angling to bring the dog along. I don’t always want it around, and she doesn’t stay behind to clean up the dog hair – how do I say no? The answer: There are three distinct issues that you are raising: your friend’s attachment to her dog, the nature and quality of the time the two of you spend together, and the respect she demonstrates to your home when she does bring her dog. These issues need to be separated and addressed individually. It may be that your frustration is compounded because you are considering all of these issues as one. The first relates to your friend’s relationship with her pet. You say that she treats the dog more like a child than a pet. Many pet owners feel extremely strong bonds with their pets, and people who don’t have pets, or those with less intense bonds, often have a hard time understanding this. Your friend may feel that her dog has been unconditionally there for her during difficult times, and provides her with unwavering affection and support. You may not agree or understand where your friend is coming from, but, frankly, the depth of her relationship with her pet is not your concern. Second, you raise the issue of your friend always wanting to bring her dog when she visits. This is not dissimilar to a situation in which a friend is always wanting visits to include her partner or child. I would guess that your concern here relates much more to your desire to have one-to-one quality time with your friend, uninterrupted by attention that likely becomes somewhat divided when her dog is there. A general rule when wanting something to be different in a relationship is to express to others what you do want, rather than what you don’t want. So, rather than letting saying you don’t always want her dog around, let her know what you are missing. Be specific in your request. You could say to her something like: “I really miss our one-to-one time together … I know you love [dog’s name], but I sometimes feel like we can’t hang out the way we used to when [he/she] is around because, understandably, [he/she] needs your attention too. Would it be okay if we sometimes hung out without [him/her]?” The final issue you raise relates to the respect that is demonstrated in your home when she does bring her dog. First, you must decide if you don’t ever want her dog in your home. If so, suggest meeting at her place or at an outside, neutral location when visits include her dog. If you are okay with her bringing her dog some of the time, then you need to directly yet respectfully address this issue as soon as possible. The next time you plan a visit with your friend and she is coming over with her dog, say something like: “I’m really looking forward to seeing you on Saturday. I was just meaning to mention that the last time you were here I noticed that there was a bunch of dog hair everywhere after you left. I’m happy to have you both over but would love if you could just stay to clean up the hair after.” There is no need to apologize. You will probably feel better after you directly address these issues with your friend. Be friendly and respectful in your language and tone, and remain open to the fact that she may not be aware of the impact that her behaviour has had. Then give her a chance to change her behaviour. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The answer:
May-December relationships can certainly work, but they are not without their challenges. Relationships, even in the best of circumstances, are difficult. And a significant age discrepancy amplifies a number of issues. Some of the more common difficulties that arise with large age gaps include: differences in hobbies, interests and social activities; a lack of things in common with a partner’s friends; having vastly different financial or career position, focus and drive; discrepancies in energy, including sex drive; health issues; and generational differences in life view and direction. One of the biggest potential areas of discord in couples that are decades apart in age is how they see their future, including having kids. The only thing you can do is have a very open and honest conversation with the woman you are dating. It sounds like she is viewing your relationship as committed, or at least hoping it goes a direction that is even more committed than it may be now. It is unfair for you to mislead her. If you are very clear that you do not want or foresee wanting children, you need to let her know in no uncertain terms. This may not be an easy conversation, and the reality is that it may be a deal breaker in terms of things moving forward for the two of you. You need to honestly ask yourself whether having children is something that you might change your mind about if you were with someone you loved who envisions having kids. But remember that rarely are we able to be happy in the long term if we compromise on something that is a substantive issue, such as expanding our family to include children. The best you can do is talk to your girlfriend about how you really feel. Let her know that you are into her, that you know she wants children but be candid about the fact that you do not want them and it is not something you will change your mind about (if that is in fact the case). She needs to go into the relationship with eyes wide open and make a decision whether continuing to invest her time and energy is worth it. Similarly, you need to decide whether being with someone who wants dramatically different things in life than you do will work for you. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I manage a team of about 10. One member of the team likes to dominate the conversation during meetings to the point that I can’t hear what others have to say. I suspect this person is insecure in some way. Do you have any tips on how I can get them to quiet down but not discourage them in the process? The answer: Being a manager or a leader can be a challenging role in the best of times. Concurrently managing team/group dynamics can be even more difficult, particularly when there is an individual who demonstrates behaviour that is disruptive to the rest of the team. It is important to identify and curb this behaviour early on, to avoid having other members of the team get frustrated, discouraged or disengaged. Although it may be tempting to wait to see if this person’s behaviour naturally changes over time, chances are it won’t – and it is important for you to have the conversation sooner rather than later. Here are some tips on how to approach the conversation with this team member:
Also, it is important to always keep some notes documenting any performance meeting. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. The question:
I count every calorie that I consume. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that – I just don’t ever want to be overweight. My parents/friends think it’s unhealthy and could lead to an eating disorder. What’s your stance? The answer: Issues around shape, weight and eating behaviours exist on a continuum. On one end, people may be completely unconcerned about their shape or weight, and eat with little concern or worry for what they are eating or how many calories they are consuming. On the other extreme, individuals may meet criteria for a bona fide eating disorder. The two most common types of eating disorders are: – Anorexia nervosa, which has the hallmark features of lower than average body weight (lower than 85 per cent of expected body weight) and an intense fear of weight gain. There is often significant restriction of food intake and excessive exercise. Misuse of laxatives, diuretics or enemas may occur. There may occasionally be elements of binge-eating or purging. – Bulimia nervosa, which has the hallmark features of recurrent binge-eating behaviours (i.e., eating a markedly high quantity of food during discrete periods of time, with an associated lack of control during the binge) as well as purging behaviours to prevent weight gain (e.g., self-induced vomiting, fasting, excessive exercise, or use of diuretics, laxatives or enemas). Calorie counting can be a feature of both of these types of eating disorders, but is often more characteristic of anorexia. In my opinion, excessive focus on calorie counting could certainly be a possible (but not necessary) precursor to more significant problems. That being said, being mindful of what you are eating, staying within recommended health guidelines for caloric intake, and wanting to maintain a healthy body weight are all positive health behaviours. There are a few things that I would wonder about: first, you say that you count “every calorie” that you consume. This sounds a bit worrisome if only for the rigidity around it. If you were forced to not count every calorie (but rather just approximate intake) would this create distress? Could you, rather than focusing on calorie counting, simply focus on ensuring that you are eating in moderation and eating healthy foods? Perhaps allow a change in your weight (e.g., more than a 5 pound gain) to serve as an indicator that you may need to slightly modify your eating behaviours (rather than excessively focusing on every calorie)? If any of these things sound difficult to do, I would wonder if there is perhaps an over-focus on calories, and if shape/weight plays a more significant role for you beyond just a normal, healthy focus on weight. I also wonder what leads your friends and family to be concerned: are there indications of other behaviours (extreme fluctuations in weight, emotional distress, over focus on food, shape or weight, excessive exercise, etc.) that they are concerned about? If the answer is yes I would suggest you think about at least having an initial consultation with a trained mental health professional with expertise in eating disorders that could help you to identify whether there is anything to be concerned about. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I recently had a panic attack for the first time, after a period of severe stress. It’s only happened once but now I’m worried that it could happen again. Do you have any tips on coping with panic attacks? How do I fight off stress so that it doesn’t get to that point? The answer: A panic (or anxiety) attack can be one of the most terrifying events a person can experience. These attacks are associated with a number of emotional and behavioural symptoms that may include:
There are effective steps you can take to help shorten the length and intensity of a panic attack, and in some cases prevent it from happening at all. First, make sure that what you are having is in fact a panic attack and not some other physical health issue, such as a thyroid or heart problem. Speak to your family doctor about your symptoms. Once you know that what you’re experiencing is a true panic attack, the most effective approach is to first reduce your general stress and then identify and challenge anxiety-provoking thoughts. Start by listing all the things you feel some stress about right now. Organize these by common areas of your life:
Once you have this list, ask yourself what you can do about each of these problems. Think about all of the possible solutions (remember, you are just brainstorming, so list every possible solution). Write down the pros and cons of each solution, then choose (and take!) some action. Taking action will help reduce your stress. When you are feeling anxious, it can be helpful to pay attention to your thoughts and ask yourself, “What specifically am I predicting will happen?” In the midst of a panic attack, people tend to have exaggerated, unrealistic thoughts. Challenging this faulty way of thinking can help tremendously. You may, for example, have the fear that you will pass out. Ask yourself how likely this is to happen, how often it has actually happened in the past year and if it were to actually happen, how would you deal with it. Asking yourself these questions when you start to feel a panic attack coming on can help reduce the intensity of that attack. One of the most effective treatments for panic attacks is cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), typically delivered by a clinical psychologist. Most people experience significant improvement from eight to 12 sessions of CBT. Contact your provincial psychological association and ask for a list of registered psychologists with expertise in CBT. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My parents are aging and showing signs of slowing down mentally. I’m concerned about Alzheimer’s some time down the road, but they don’t even notice it. They say I’m overreacting. How can I get them to acknowledge that they may need help sooner rather than later? The answer: Having a discussion with a parent about age-related changes can be one of the most difficult conversations you may have. A myriad of factors are probably converging to make this hard: your desire to be respectful and kind toward your parents; the challenge in having them recognize and accept changes that may truly be subtle and unbeknownst to them; pride on your parents’ part; and, possibly some sadness and worry about the changes you are witnessing. Your attempts to have a conversation about the changes with your parents have been met with some resistance, which is not an unexpected parental response. There are reasons for this: there may be changes that you are noticing that your parents are either (a) unwilling to see or (b) truly don’t recognize; or, you are in fact overreacting. The best first step is to get a professional opinion on whether the concerns you have are warranted. I suggest making a detailed list of the changes you are observing. Be as specific and comprehensive as possible, and articulate it in writing. Be objective in your descriptions: (“last week, mom asked me five times when I am next coming over, even though virtually every week I go over on Sundays”) – rather than making judgments or assumptions (“mom is losing her memory”). Then, make an appointment with your family doctor to obtain an opinion on whether there is cause for concern. Assuming there are red flags, the next step would be to gently start more dialogue with your parents while keeping in mind you may need to have multiple conversations. Approach your discussions from a position of care and concern, don’t blame or point the finger, and be mindful of not conveying any frustration you may be experiencing. Be specific in expressing the concerns you have, staying away from judgmental or labelling language. It is important to let your parents know that although these are difficult conversations to have, you are motivated by love and concern for them. Be sure you take the time to allow them to express their feelings and perspective as well. Let your parents have control in the conversation by asking them what they think would be good next steps (“what can I do to help?”; “what are you most comfortable with doing?”). Recognize that they may be frustrated, sad, or angry about changes that they are noticing but finding hard to accept as they transition to another stage in their life – from that of caretaker to possible dependent. You may also find it helpful to enlist the support of another relative or family friend whom they trust. If you continue to be met with resistance, I would suggest making an appointment with your parents’ family doctor to communicate your concerns. The doctor cannot, without your parents’ permission, release any information to you, but you are able to share information with the doctor that may be helpful for planning purposes. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I am a healthy, active 30-year-old woman. I have not slept through the night in over a year – I always wake up two or three times a night, restless and annoyed and unable to get back to sleep. Do you have tips/mental strategies for falling back to sleep easily? And what can I do to treat this? (I’d prefer not to take sleeping pills). The answer: Chronic sleep problems are very common and impact up to one-third of the population at any point in time. A much higher percentage of people will experience more short-term/transient sleep problems (often tied to particular events that are happening in their life, that resolve when those stressors resolve). The good news is there are very effective cognitive and behavioural strategies that can dramatically improve sleep length and quality. “Insomnia” is a broad term and can include trouble falling asleep, trouble staying asleep and/or early-morning awakening. There are a number of “usual suspects” that reliably and predictably impact our sleep:
You indicate you are healthy and active, which is great (as regular exercise will help improve the quality of sleep). But if you have not had a physical over the last year, I would encourage you to see your family doctor to ensure there is no other medical contribution (anaemia is a very common cause of sleep disruption for women in their menstruating years). If you are taking any prescription medications you may also inquire about whether they have any impact on sleep cycle/quality. Assuming there are no physical causes to your sleep problems, I would do an inventory of current stressors in your life. Worries and anxieties are a huge cause of sleep disruption. Identifying the stressors and taking an active, problem-solving approach to target those stressors would be important. It sounds counter-intuitive, but setting some dedicated “worry time” an hour or more before sleep can be helpful. Set aside 15-20 minutes to sit somewhere quiet (not your bedroom) and spend time thinking about and writing down all the worries that are on your mind that day. Ask yourself “what can I do about this right now”; if there is action to take, take it…usually though there is no immediate action that can be taken, and scheduling a time to deal with the problem can help get it out of your mind temporarily. Engaging in good sleep hygiene behaviours is important (sleep hygiene – like dental hygiene – refers to behaviours that promote good sleep and prevent later sleep problems). Finally, I am glad to hear you say that you are reluctant to take sleeping medications – although they can help with sleep for the short-term, sleep medications are habit-forming, they do not address the core issues that are contributing to sleep problems, and prescribing guidelines only recommend their usage for short, time-limited periods (usually 7-10 days only). The Canadian Sleep Society has some excellent, publicly available brochures on sleep. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m in my first real same sex relationship. After hiding my sexuality for years, I am finally ready to admit I am a lesbian. The woman I’m with doesn’t want to define me as her ‘girlfriend’ as she’s not admitting that she’s a lesbian. But we hang out every day, and I’m in love with her. My friends are worried about the lack of labels and defined commitment – I’m not, but should I be? The answer: The road to acknowledging and openly coming out about your sexuality can be a challenging and emotional one – so congratulations on taking what were likely some very difficult steps. It can be a wonderful and liberating feeling to no longer have to hide a core part of who you are from others. It may feel both exciting and scary to start to now embark on dating and relationships. Many individuals will say that starting to date after they first come out feels like adolescence all over again – which can be fun but also nerve-wracking at the same time! It is natural to be experiencing a range of emotions, including some nervousness, anxiety or insecurity. You may be having a number of questions about what you want out of a relationship and a partner. Defining and putting labels on the relationship is only important as it isto you – this is true for anyone, whether in a same or opposite sex relationship. You need to first ask yourself what it is that you want in a relationship at this stage of your life. As you well know from personal experience, the journey one takes to get to the point of coming out is a very personal one and can be made complicated by a number of factors. It sounds like you are at a stage where you are ready to openly and fully be in a relationship. You need to ask yourself whether you will truly be happy with someone who is at a different stage of acceptance about their sexuality. Selfishly, will you get what you need and want from this woman? You say this is your first “real” same-sex relationship. What is that you mean by “real”? You say that you hang out every day and that you are in love with her. Is there physical intimacy in your relationship? How does she feel about you? How does she define your relationship and how would she describe you and your relationship to others? You also say friends of yours are worried. Assuming that these are friends that love and care for you, and that have your best interests at heart, I wonder about where their concerns are coming from. I would ask them. Perhaps they have a perspective on your wants and desires that is hard for you to see right now. Although I don’t by any means want to convey that you should just blindly listen to your friends, often those we care about can see things that we are unwilling or unable to see when decisions get clouded by what our love for another. Ensure that you are getting what you need and what would make you truly happy in a relationship. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My husband is overprotective of our teen daughter. I worry about her as well but he is downright irrational. How can I get him to relax and give her independence? The answer: The reality is that there are some worries about a teenage daughter that are different than the concerns that come along with parenting a teenage boy – concerns about safety and risk. Fathers often tend to be more protective of girls, and will often cite “knowing what teen boys are like” as an explanation. First, ask yourself whether the issues you are having with your husband truly have to do with his overprotective stance toward your daughter, or whether other difficulties the two of you are having are influencing your feelings. I mention this as it is not uncommon for couples to have other underlying marital issues that manifest as parenting-related differences. If there are other relationship issues, you may want to focus on what those are and try to identify ways to talk about and address the non-parenting related challenges. If the issues are primarily stemming from differences in parenting approach, address this issue directly. Start by having a calm conversation with your husband. Time the conversation for when you are getting along with each other, and not in the midst of a disagreement. Have the conversation privately, without your daughter present. Parents should always present a united front when speaking to their children about rules, responsibilities and expectations. Ask your husband what his concerns are. Be open to at least understanding (not necessarily agreeing with) where he is coming from. When parents are being overly strict or setting rigid rules, this is often coming from a place of fear and concern about their child’s well-being and welfare. Try to take a problem-solving approach. Understand what steps can be taken to alleviate the concerns he has. For example, his concerns about her safety when out at night may translate into a black and white approach where he says she simply can’t go out at night. Instead, you may try to come up with some less rigid options that satisfy both of you. Gradually provide your daughter more and more responsibility in a way that your husband’s concerns about her are put at ease. You may decide to establish a curfew that is much earlier than what you think is reasonable or age-appropriate, but then discuss how to gradually modify this over time as your daughter builds up her trust and your husband builds up his comfort. You may ask her to provide a text update every hour on the hour when she is out, and then gradually reduce the frequency or expectation of contact over time. Decisions about what age-appropriate activities are for your daughter (e.g., when dating is appropriate, what curfew is appropriate) are very personal and family-specific decisions and there are no easy answers to these issues. You will both need to compromise and may need to agree to disagree on some points about what rules are appropriate for your daughter. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Living at home, as an adult, can be challenging – particularly when it’s due to familial or cultural expectations, responsibilities, or need. Many people experience difficulties with juggling the devotion and feelings of responsibility they have to their family’s expectations with trying to maintain some semblance of an independent life.
It is reasonable to feel conflicted or burdened by the responsibility while others are focusing their energy on building their careers, having fun, fostering intimate partnerships, and possibly thinking about starting their own families. Living at home – particularly when it’s expected or required, rather than wanted – can thwart these efforts. So, what can you do? When it comes to your needs, honesty is the best policy Your guiding motto needs to be the age-old adage of honesty being the best policy. If you’re not upfront about your needs, frustration and resentment may build up. Before you have a conversation with your family about your frustration and independence it’s important that you first determine what your needs are.
The heart to heart Once you have come up with some solutions that work for you, have a heart to heart with your family. Here are some ways to do this:
Remember that ultimately you have a choice in what you choose to do – supporting your family and having some independence do not have to be mutually exclusive options. Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. |
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