My Anger and My Frustrations: What do I do to manage it

By Dominic Brennan, RCC

My Anger and My Frustrations:

When we are frustrated at something or someone, we may get angry if we don’t know how to deal with it. But also, when we are angry at something or someone, the after-feeling can often be frustrating, particularly that we’ve let anger take over and it’s happened again. So frustrating! Then, we may get angry at ourselves again for letting that happen. So, we get angry when we’re frustrated, and get frustrated when we get angry. Confusing isn’t it? It’s definitely a loop. If we don’t deal with one issue, anger or frustration, then it’s highly unlikely we can deal with the other. And if we don’t deal with either, it can lead to depression; which can present as anger turned inwards at ourselves. 

If we don’t deal with anger and frustration it can lead to; depression, broken relationships, getting fired, regretting, resentment, getting into trouble, upsetting those close to us, damaging those who look at us as role models, and so the list goes…
Anger and Masculinity There are numerous ups and downs in our life that may frustrate us and make us angry. Generally, if a man wants to appear powerful and masculine we may feel we want to show anger, as we don’t want to appear weak. That’s frustrating right?! On the other hand, frustration is often coming from a place of uncertainty, insecurity and when we sense our (or someone else’s) inability to fulfil our needs, which can be very frustrating. That’s a reason to be angry right?! 
    
There is a lot of talk surrounding the fact that anger and frustration are normal emotions, which in principle I have to agree with. However, when we really talk of anger and frustration it’s important to talk about the impact it has on ourselves and those around us. What we should do is normalize it to a point that it does not hurt us or those around us but instead, opens doors for a new way of communicating and being assertive. 

It’s also worth pointing out that anger and frustration do have a negative effect on our body. A raised heart rate and then negative energy can all lead to physiological issues with our health. Is it worth it? No, it’s not – believe me!    

Managing Anger and Frustration

So, we can start by reminding ourselves there is nothing wrong with anger and frustration, as it’s a normal part of our emotional experience. However, there is a healthy way and an unhealthy way to deal with these emotions. A good place to start is understanding where our frustrations and anger typically arise.

Uncovering your reasons for AngerAs we unpack our emotions, let’s look at what would be some general issues and examples of things that may make us angry or frustrated. 

I need to perform a certain way. Why can’t they do it this way? They have no idea what I am talking about? I’m being threatened! Look at the way they work? I’m not heard and my point of view is never taken seriously or listened to! I told them before! There’s no intimacy between us! Those demands are unrealistic! I’m never allowed time for myself! That’s not fair! I didn’t deserve that! I’m being targeted! Can’t they see what I’m contributing! I never get recognized for what I do! I need to stand up for myself and show them I’m a man and who is the boss! I’m doing more than others! They have no right! I’m stressed! 

There are plenty more examples that can be added here for sure and it is a good exercise for you to do so. What’s on your list?

One way to start the process of uncovering your reasons for anger and frustration is by identifying what you feel is wrong. The list is the beginning of understanding the triggers for your anger and frustration.

Managing Triggers

Knowing the things that typically trigger your anger response can help you to identify them early and prevent the development of anger as a result of the trigger. So, once you know your triggers it’s important to learn to recognize these early on so you can take action and engage your coping skills. 

There are many different coping skills that can help to manage your triggers and a therapist can be helpful in helping you to identify the tools that are most effective for you. 

I love to think about it in terms of do I react or do I respond. A reaction is something that is almost immediate and without thought. Reacting can often get us in trouble. Responding on the other hand takes a little more time, and unless we find ourselves in a dangerous situation where reacting will save our life (fight or flight response), responding is the more appropriate technique to engage.

How to respond effectively

In order to respond effectively, we may need to take a step back in order to approach the situation more calmly and rationally. This could involve taking a moment to practice mindfulness and do some deep breathing. Or it could involve having a diversion or distraction to buy ourselves time to come back to the situation in a calmer state. For me, every time I get angry with my partner, or situation at home, I take my dog for a walk and practice deep breathing along the journey as I capture my thoughts and plan my response. It’s good to plan timeouts and diversions in advance with those at home so they know we are safe and just taking time away to cool off. 

After we have engaged in one of these practices and are feeling calmer, we can return to the issue that was causing us anger or frustration. Plan to return to the issue in 30 minutes to an hour, as important issues must never be ignored. When returning to the issue it is time to be rational, respect everyone’s boundaries, and be assertive in our communication – these are also skills we can practice with a counsellor. 

Final Thoughts

Dealing with triggers is just one of the coping skills you can learn. Learning about dealing with emotions, developing a set of anger management skills, practicing assertive communication, stress exploration, and challenging our thoughts along the way can all be helpful to manage our anger and help us to become more effective communicators.