Family Holidays Following a Divorce

By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth

A divorce, particularly when children are involved, can be one of the hardest life experiences to deal with. Certain times of the year – holidays, birthdays, etc. – amplify the pain that comes along with not having the same once-intact family configuration. Parents typically make arrangements that determine which holidays or portions of holidays they will be able to spend with their children. This often leaves one parent alone and it can be challenging for that parent to not focus on the sadness and loneliness. The first few holidays following a divorce will be the most challenging as the family establishes a new normal around the occasion. So, let’s talk about how to manage family holidays following a divorce.

Missing the kids – and the sadness and loneliness that comes along with that – is not an emotion to shove away. Our emotions are a signal to our brain and body that we are experiencing something that impacts an important part of our life, and what we value. Those emotions validate how important the kids are, how important family is, and that we wish the situation were different. All too often we want to shove away our negative emotional states. But that rarely turns out well, as emotions often rear their heads later on. Our emotions also provide us with the motivation to take some kind of action, to do something differently.

So, how do parents manage holidays, especially when a divorce may mean spending them alone? 

How to Manage Family Holidays Following a Divorce

1. The goal should not be to get over missing the children (as that’s a normal reaction from a loving parent) but rather to find a “new normal.” This won’t happen immediately, and having that expectation will only make the situation harder.
   So first: Accept that this will be a difficult year, but it will get better with time (it may sound clichéd, but time does always heal).
2. Consider speaking with the other parent about a compromise regarding the holidays. Let them know the intent is not to renege on the agreement, but the sadness of not being able to see them is more challenging than anticipated. Maybe there is some flexibility on the time spent with the children. If not, there may be some alternatives, for example; speaking to them on the phone or via Skype, or choosing to celebrate another day entirely. Holidays, like Christmas, are really just an arbitrary day.
3. Be proactive in planning how to spend time alone on the holiday. It may feel natural to withdraw and isolate, but that will just amplify the low mood. Even though it may not feel like it at all, there is tremendous value in being around people, especially those we love and care about, to help us through these first holidays. At the very least, make plans with other family and friends.

Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated.