Dealing with Grief During the Holidays

Dealing with Grief During the Holidays

Grief, following the death of someone we care about, takes a huge emotional toll on us. Somewhat surprisingly, many of us believe it shouldn’t take that long to “get over” the grief we experience. This is due to, at least in part, the fact that we’re given a relatively short amount of time to grieve – for example, only a handful of days off work, and often very little reprieve from other day-to-day demands of life. But grief is much more complicated than that and dealing with grief during the holidays can be particularly challenging.

How We Experience Grief

Grief is an incredibly personal process, and although the length of time that grief affects each of us will vary the first year is typically the most difficult. It’s the year of “firsts” as we have to experience each occasion for the first time without that special person. The first birthdays, the first Mother’s/Father’s Day and the first holiday season.
Know that it won’t always feel as hard as it does the first year. This person will continue to be someone you think of, they will have a presence in your memory, and they will be dearly missed, but it won’t always feel as challenging or deeply saddening as it does the first year.

So how do you get through the holidays, particularly that first year, when you’re feeling sadness and loss while also feeling you should be happier or celebrating?

How to Deal with Grief During the Holidays 

First, have an open and candid discussion with family (making sure the conversation is age-appropriate for children).

• Be honest. Help them understand the sadness that’s felt this year and that celebrating may feel a bit more challenging despite the family’s love for the holiday season.
• Be candid in conveying things may be a little lower key than usual, but that shouldn’t take away from them having fun or attempting to enjoy themselves. You may be surprised to learn that they also feel awkward about how to approach the season and may welcome the ability to speak openly about this.

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2. Second, find a way to honour and incorporate the memory of your loved one in the season’s celebrations.

• Involve the family in this discussion. If there are children, ask them how they think the loved one would like to be remembered, and what things could be done as a family to remember them.
• Consider lighting a candle; pull out some of their favourite holiday decorations; go to a place or engage in an activity they loved; or visit their grave or a place where positive memories were shared.

Final Thoughts

​Often a big factor that holds us back from wanting to celebrate after a loved one passes relates to guilt – guilt at being happy when our loved one is no longer here. We may feel like we don’t have the right to celebrate when their life has ended, or somehow feel we are betraying their memory if we are having fun. Know that none of these things are true. Enjoying and celebrating the present, with the family who’s there, in no way negates the love for the loved one that has passed.
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The best way to honour the memories of those we have lost is to maximize our enjoyment of our loved ones while they are alive.
 
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated.