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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My family loves the holidays. But last year, my mother passed away around this time, which was an incredibly sad time for everyone. I took it especially hard. Now that it’s a year later, there’s a weird feeling in the air, for me at least, that the holidays won’t be the same ever again. My husband and two daughters are usually a very festive family, but I’m worried I’ll forever associate her death with the holidays. I don’t want to be a drag. How can I grieve for and remember my mother, without depressing the spirit of the season? The answer: My sincere condolences on the loss of your mother. Nine years ago my father died – unexpectedly and at a very young age – around this time of the year, so I can understand how difficult this is not only from a professional perspective, but also from a personal one. The death of someone dear to us takes a huge toll on the happiness and joy we may usually experience around the holidays. I can promise you it won’t always feel as hard as it does this year. You will always think of and remember your mom, and miss her presence, but you won’t always feel the depth of sadness that you are right now. The year of “firsts” is always the most difficult: the first birthdays, the first Mother’s Day – and the first holiday season. Give yourself permission to be easy on yourself this year. Two things I would suggest: First, have an open and candid discussion with your husband and your daughters. This conversation should be age-appropriate, given the developmental stage your girls are at. Be honest. Let them know that you know how much your family loves the holidays, but this year you are feeling sad and not in a very celebratory mood. Be candid in conveying that you want them to have fun, but you want things to be a little lower key than usual. You may be surprised to learn that they also feel awkward about how to approach the season and may welcome you speaking openly about this, particularly if they have observed the impact your mother’s death has had on you over the past year. Second: Find a way to honour and incorporate the memory of your mother in the season’s celebrations. Involve your girls in this discussion. Ask them how they think Grandma would like to be remembered, and what things you could do as a family to remember her. You could light a candle; pull out some of her favourite Christmas decorations; go to a place or engage in an activity she loved; or visit her grave or a place where you have shared positive memories with her. Often a big factor that holds us back from wanting to celebrate after a loved one passes relates to guilt – guilt at being happy when our loved one is no longer here. We may feel like we don’t have the right to celebrate when their life has ended, or somehow feel that we are betraying their memory if we are having fun. Know that none of these things are true. Enjoying and celebrating the present, with your family who is with you, in no way negates the love you’ve had for your mother. The best way to honour the memories of those we have lost is to maximize our enjoyment of our loved ones while they are alive. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I divorced my wife earlier this year. We had been married nine years and have two young children, but it just wasn’t working out. We agreed she gets to have the children this Christmas. But there’s honestly nothing I loved more than Christmas morning with my children. I’m not looking forward to Dec. 25 any more. I don’t know how to get over missing them – and how can I even start a new tradition if I’m alone? The answer: A divorce, particularly when children are involved, can be one of the hardest life experiences to deal with. Certain times of the years (holidays, birthdays) amplify the pain that comes along with not having your once-intact family configuration. Your goal should not be to get over missing them (as that is a normal reaction from a loving parent) but rather to find a “new normal.” This won’t happen immediately, and having that expectation will only make the situation harder. So first: Accept that this will be a difficult year, and you will likely feel sad and miss your kids – but it will get better with time (it may sound clichéd, but time does always heal). Missing your kids – and the sadness and loneliness that comes along with that – is not an emotion to shove away. Our emotions are a signal to our brain and body that we are experiencing something that impacts an important part of our life and what we value. Those emotions validate that how much your kids mean to you, how much family means to you, and that you wish the situation to be different. All too often we want to shove away our negative emotional states. But that rarely turns out well, as emotions often rear their heads later on. So allow yourself – give yourself permission – to experience the sadness this year. Our emotions also provide us with the motivation to take some kind of action, to do something differently. You said that you and your wife agreed that she gets to have the children this Christmas. Could you have an honest conversation with her about how you are feeling? Let her know that your intent is not to renege on your agreement, but you didn’t realize how sad you’d feel about not seeing the kids this year. Ask her if there is some compromise the two of you could come to: Maybe you could have some time with them in the afternoon or evening? Let her know that you will be flexible with her time with them when it comes to next Christmas. If this is unacceptable to her for whatever reason, perhaps you could find a way to speak to them by phone or Skype during the day? Or, choose another day to be your family Christmas day – Dec. 25 is just an arbitrary day, after all. For example, if the kids are with you on Boxing Day, you could celebrate Christmas that date instead. I would encourage you to be proactive in planning how you will spend your time on Christmas. You may have a natural urge to withdraw and isolate yourself, but that will just amplify your low mood. Even though you may not feel like it at all, there is tremendous value in being around people you love and care about to help you through this first Christmas. At the very least, make plans with other family and friends. You’ll feel much better for it. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m extremely shy and worried about the upcoming holiday season and all the socializing that comes with it. Usually I skip most events but this year I can’t get out of the work holiday party. How do I cope? The answer: Such social events can be a tremendous source of stress if you tend to be shy or introverted. So know that you are not alone in feeling this way. Although the natural urge is to skip events that create anxiety, avoidance of these situations counter-intuitively makes anxiety worse in the long-term (even though it can work to reduce the anxiety in the short-term). Avoiding things that feel uncomfortable tricks our mind into thinking that there is something harmful or dangerous about the situation, which is usually not the case. Rest assured that there are a number of things you can do to help make the evening go more smoothly. First, ask yourself what specifically are you nervous about? For most people a significant source of stress relates to making “small talk” with people, particularly those they don’t know well. People like to talk about themselves, so a good strategy is to go to the party prepared with questions you can ask others (this can help take the spotlight off of you). You could have questions prepared such as “I don’t know much about what you do in the company; tell me a bit about your position.” Ask what others have planned for the holidays. If they have kids, ask about their children. Worrying about “looking” anxious can be another source of anxiety. It can feel difficult to look calm when you are at an event you wish you could leave. Be mindful of making eye contact with others. Smile. Ensure good posture with your shoulders back and head up. Positioning your body and doing things that make you look more confident can help you feel more confident. Hold a glass in your hand (with water or a non-alcoholic beverage) and take a sip if there is a break in the conversation. This can help a pause feel more natural, and can also give your hands something to do. Although it can be tempting to rely on alcohol as it seems to help with tension and anxiety, ensure your alcohol intake is moderate. If guests are allowed, take a partner or close friend with you, or, if you can, make plans to attend with a colleague that you know well. A person you are comfortable with can help serve as a buffer and lessen your anxiety. For more tips, consider The Shyness & Social Anxiety Workbook, by Martin M. Anthony and Richard P. Swinson. It provides step-by-step techniques to manage anxiety in social situations using proven cognitive-behavioural principles. Finally, feel free to arrive late and leave the party early – there’s no rule that says you have to stay the entire time. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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