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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’ve always been a sensitive and emotional person. While I don’t think it’s a negative thing, I do find that I take a lot of comments seriously and personally. Often people may be joking, but somehow I interpret their statements negatively. How can I embrace my sensitivity without going overboard? The answer: I like that you have established a useful and realistic goal for yourself – to embrace a trait you have that, while not all negative, has some downsides for you in certain situations. Any personality trait or attribute exists along a continuum, and we all tend to have a set-point range where we fall along that continuum. The contributing factors are multiple, and ultimately a combination of nature and nurture: the personality and genetics we came into this world with; our early childhood environment; and important life events and circumstances (both positive and negative). Like you, I am high on the sensitivity scale. There are a great things that come along with this – sensitive people are more likely to experience intense positive emotions, tend to connect with others’ emotional experiences on a deeper level, are more attune to changes in others’ moods and, and have a strong ability to empathize with others. However, as you have recognized there are also downsides to being highly sensitive and emotional. You are more likely to personalize things, interpret things with negative intent when it may not exist, and overreact negatively to what may be a perceived insult. I suspect you are also likely to ruminate over things that have been said or done by others, have a hard time letting go of the past, and experience deeper hurt when it comes to conflict in interpersonal relationships. When it comes to our emotional reactions, the single most important factor that shapes how we react is our thoughts. If you are walking down the street, wave to an acquaintance you recently met at a party who ignores you, and think “I must have said something she didn’t like when we met” you are likely going to react negatively. If instead you think (as people who are high in emotional resiliency would) “she didn’t recognize me, seeing me here is out of context” or “she looked preoccupied with a phone call she was on” you will probably have little to no emotional reaction. Identify the automatic thoughts and interpretations that come up for you in situations where you react to others’ comments. Then ask yourself a few key questions: Is the thought/interpretation you are having realistic and accurate? What is the evidence that what you are thinking is not true? What alternative explanations could there be for the comment that was made? Then actively work on replacing the automatic negative/personalized thoughts with thoughts that are more accurate to the situation, based on a review of all of the evidence. I believe a core part of our life’s work is to continue to build awareness of who we are, recognize the patterns and behaviours we engage in that may be negatively impacting us or those around us, and work to continually improve areas of weakness. And you are right – the goal is to not do away with fundamental elements that make you who you are, but rather to embrace those attributes in a way that the positives are maximized and the negatives are minimized so that you are living an overall happier life. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  We spend a significant portion of our days working, so relationships with our colleagues can be important to maintain for our overall mental health. Conflict with colleagues, as well as actual or perceived unfairness in the workplace, particularly when it pertains to important outcomes such as a promotion, can have a tremendous impact on job satisfaction. It is normal to feel disappointed, frustrated, and perhaps even angry.
What happens when we experience co-worker related stress? As human beings, we tend to enter a state of cognitive constriction (or tunnel vision) when faced with a stressful situation – particularly when it has to do with another person. We tend to paint the entire situation or object of our discontent with broad strokes. This manifests as us being much more likely to only focus on the negative attributes of situations – leading to a snowball-effect over time, where our emotions become more and more negative and difficult to manage over time. How to deal with unfair treatment What are some ways you can manage a situation where you feel you’ve been unfairly treated by another at work?
How do you approach this colleague if there are still negative feelings toward them?
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I have a really hard time saying no to people but realize it’s time to be more assertive. Are there specific strategies to help me do this? The answer: Assertiveness – being able to respectfully communicate your ideas, feelings and needs, while at the same time balancing the needs of others – is often easier in theory than in actuality. Assertive behaviour is quite different from passive behaviour (not standing up for your rights, or not expressing your needs and feelings) and aggressive behaviour (pushing for your own needs at the expense of others, or not allowing others to express their needs). What makes it so hard to be assertive? Our upbringing, values and personality all play a role. If you grew up in a home where you were not permitted to express your needs, or if those requests were met with an aggressive, dominating or abusive response, chances are over time you learned to quiet your own voice. If you place strong value on “maintaining the peace” when it comes to relationships, you may (incorrectly) view an expression of your needs as being incompatible to that end goal. Or, if you are shy and introverted, it may be hard for you to voice your desires in interpersonal situations. Societal stereotypes and cultural expectations also factor in – for example, women often have a harder time being assertive in some situations than men, and individuals from certain backgrounds, such as Asian cultures, may be taught that being assertive is a non-desirable trait. What you need to keep in mind is that assertive behaviour is fundamentally respectful behaviour – it balances your rights with the rights of others, without putting one above the other. People often feel better about themselves when they are assertive, and others will demonstrate more respect for the person too. And remember, being assertive is not incompatible with being kind or empathetic. Here are five tips on how to build your assertiveness and learn to say no: 1. Identify the situations in which you would like to be more assertive. Being able to anticipate the scenarios where you would like to change your behaviour is the first step. 2. Identify your personal barriers. Think about the reasons it is hard for you to say no, and ask yourself if those assumptions are valid and accurate. Challenging the thoughts that interfere with your ability to say no can help you move forward; for example, if you believe that saying no makes you difficult to get along with, ask yourself if that is really true, and find other pieces of evidence that are incompatible with that belief. 3. Specifically articulate what you would like to say and think about why that is important to you. One of the hardest things about saying no is that “no” alone doesn’t capture the spirit of why you need to be assertive, and it can sometimes come across as rude. So, if you have made plans with a friend to see a show on Sunday night, rather than just saying “no,” add in the reason: “I’d love to see you, but I’m going to have to decline. I’ve realized I really need to get a decent night’s sleep before the work week starts, otherwise I’m wrecked for the day! How does the Tuesday early show work?” 4. Get feedback from a trusted friend. Receiving an objective opinion on how you want to communicate your needs can help you reshape your words/messaging if needed. Ask for feedback your words, tone and posturing. Non-verbal communication is hands down the most important part of how we communicate. 5. Practice, practice, practice! Visualize yourself saying no, practice in front of the mirror, and try it out in neutral situations that have a low risk for harm (with wait staff at a restaurant, a sales clerk at a store). Practice makes perfect, and part of the challenge is just becoming comfortable saying words that may feel unfamiliar to you. Then, go for it. Try saying no in situations that matter to you – you will probably learn very quickly that the sky will not fall down once you begin asserting your needs. The only qualification is that if you have taken a very passive role in certain relationships, it may take others a little bit of getting used to the new you. Note: If you are in any abusive relationship, assertive behaviour may not be sufficient to protect yourself. In this situation, seek out professional help and advice on how to proceed. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My parents have never emotionally supported me and see me as a disappointment because I am divorced, yet I feel a responsibility to maintain regular contact and be there to help them with whatever they need (attending medical appointments, booking their travel). I’m 44 years old, live my life according to good values and am a mom myself, so why do I constantly take the role of unassertive doormat in my family? The answer: The interesting thing about families is that we might not always like them, but we often have a love for them that supersedes all else. Unfortunately, we don’t choose our family, yet are stuck with them for the long haul, warts and all. It still never ceases to amaze me how, despite being adults, virtually all of us (myself included) tend to play out the dynamics and roles in our families that we adopted when we were children. My role, for example – which continues through to this day – was to be “the mature, responsible one,” and behaviours that were tolerated among my younger siblings were (and are) completely unacceptable coming from me. As children, regardless of age, most of us have a strong need to be accepted by our parents. We want them to unconditionally love and accept us, and we want to make them proud. Unfortunately, we often have little control over how our parents, or any other person in our life for that matter, view us. We can, however, actively do things to buffer the impact that our parents’ potentially negative views have on us. There’s a quote from self-help author Dr. Wayne Dyer that I love: “What other people think of me is none of my business.” The only thing you can do is live your life in a way that stays consistent with your values, with no regrets. You sound like a values-driven person who places strong emphasis on taking responsibility for your parents. It sounds important to you to do things to help them, in spite of not receiving their recognition or appreciation. The reality is that your parents won’t always be here. Don’t compromise what you value – providing them with support when needed – out of anger or spite. Continue to be the bigger person. The best advice I have is to do what you do for them without expectation. Often we feel disappointed in others because we expect them to respond differently than how our past experience tell us they’ll react. Strike a balance between your needs and theirs. Be mindful of not bending over backward at the expense of other things you want to do in your life. It may be that you always have been at their beck and call, so therefore they expect you to always be so. Do not feel that you always have to immediately respond to their requests. Adding in a delay to requests may make them appreciate what you do for them more than they currently do. Finally, choose to have friends and others in your life that provide you with the emotional support that you need. The social supports that we have around us provide the best buffer against other less than ideal relationships in our life. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  How to be a Great Listener: Tips on Strengthening Relationships
Have you ever struggled with effectively communicating in a relationship? Do you often feel others aren’t listening well to you? Well – one of the best things we can do when we feel someone in our life isn’t listening to us well, is to focus on being a better listener toward them. Communication in our relationships is everything – and unfortunately, most of us aren’t ever formally taught how to communicate in an effective way. One of the key components of being a good communicator is being a good listener – and I’ve got 7 tips that can help! I encourage you to think about which tips you are great at, and which you could maybe tweak up a bit How to Be a Great Listener
Final Thoughts Social relationships are an important part of our lives as humans are social beings. One of the most important aspects of maintaining strong relationships is effective communication. Many people have difficulties with communication because they forget about the importance of active listening. Follow these tips to strengthen your relationships and reap the benefits of enhanced connection! |
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