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By Emory Oakley. Emory is a writer and LGBTQ+ educator who regularly discusses the intersections of queer identities and mental health.  The Power of Emotional Vulnerability in Building Relationships
He looks at me and his expression is unclear, not angry but not easily pinned down. In the back of my head, I can’t help but think he’s mad at me. I have no reason to believe he’s upset but my insecurity tells me that eventually, everyone is going to leave. I easily believe they’re going to see the worst side of me and no longer want to be a part of my life. This time, instead of allowing these harmful thoughts to circle through my brain and ruin the evening with my partner, I smile. I ask him for a kiss and to remind me that he loves me. For many people, it’s automatic to attempt to avoid negative or painful emotions. This type of reaction is human nature, we want to avoid things that hurt and that includes our feelings. Although this can be helpful, at times, often it’s important for us to acknowledge and express our feelings. As well as be emotionally vulnerable with ourselves and the people in our lives. In past relationships, I’ve allowed my insecurity to take hold in a way that resulted in pushing them away. My fear of them leaving became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Though over time, and with years of therapy, I was able to acknowledge my feelings and vulnerabilities to myself. Which eventually allowed me to express them to my partner. Now, even though it’s still hard to admit, I can tell my partner when I am hurt, or sad, or feeling insecure and express how together we can manage those feelings to preserve our relationship. Emotional Vulnerability When some people think about emotional vulnerability, they automatically see it as a bad or scary thing but it doesn’t have to be. What is emotional vulnerability? It’s the ability or willingness to acknowledge (and potentially express) one’s emotions. Particularly those emotions that are difficult or painful. Emotions such as shame, sadness, anxiety, insecurity, etc. Though it’s important to note that acknowledging does not mean wallowing or becoming fixated. It has been defined by Brene Brown as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” The Benefits of Emotional Vulnerability One way to convince ourselves to make small changes in our behaviour when it comes to emotional vulnerability is to outline and understand the benefits of doing so. 1 - It strengthens Relationships Vulnerability helps to build trust and intimacy in relationships. Relationships, whether romantic, platonic, or intimate, are built on trust. Being emotionally vulnerable helps a person to build relationships more quickly. 2 - It improves Self-Awareness When you acknowledge your own emotions and are vulnerable with yourself, you learn things about your own behaviours and defence mechanisms. Acknowledgement and understanding is the first step in making change. How to Be More Emotionally Vulnerable Even if you’re convinced that being more emotionally vulnerable is valuable, you may not know where to start or what you can do to become more emotionally vulnerable. And it may feel scary at first. How do we acknowledge our emotions? First, we must observe and label our emotions. Observing our emotions is simply labelling the emotion without thinking about how we act, behave or react to our emotions, or how we think about our emotions. This means simply stating I feel sad right now or I feel angry right now – full stop. Next, we have to validate our emotions. This means reminding ourselves that it’s okay to feel whatever emotion we are feeling even if we don’t want to feel it. Then we practice. Once we are more comfortable with being more emotionally vulnerable with ourselves, we can be more emotionally vulnerable with others. What can we do to practice being emotionally vulnerable? One way to practice being emotionally vulnerable is to write down your feelings (or say them out loud). Writing down your feelings, like in a journalling practice, can help to create a habit of thinking about and articulating your emotions. Another way to practice emotional vulnerability is going to therapy. For many of us, our habits and defence mechanisms, like emotional avoidance, have become so ingrained that it’s easy to completely miss them. A therapist or counsellor is an objective third party who is able to point out these habits and help you to recognize and make changes in these behaviours. How I Learned to Be More Emotionally Vulnerable When I first started seeing a therapist I was even harder on myself than I am now. But I struggled to make any changes in my thinking or behaviour because I failed to notice the bad habits. One of the habits I used to have was continually saying I feel weird. Weird does not mean anything concrete and does not help me to deal with how I am feeling. My therapist continually pointed out when I did this and forced me to accurately articulate my feelings no matter how uncomfortable it made me. This helped me to not only realize how often I was resorting to this bad habit but encouraged me to more accurately describe my feelings. Eventually, I was able to make significant changes in my thinking and gained the tools I needed to better manage my feelings. One of those important tools was to be more emotionally vulnerable with myself and with others. Therapy changed my life. Are you looking to get more support? Check out the counselling services with the Psychological Health & Safety Clinic and sign up for a free consult today. Talking to a professional really can change your life (and it doesn’t have to be scary). By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My 22-year-old son is dating a girl who his highly dependent on him. He struggles on and off with a marijuana addiction and is trying to get back on his feet. She is seeking therapy for a variety of reasons herself. How do I persuade them that it’s healthier to take some time apart so that they can first sort their own lives out individually. The answer: Find me a land where a parent can convince a 22-year-old of anything – particularly when it comes to their dating life – and then I’ll talk to you about a bridge I’ve got to sell … In all seriousness, you need to first and foremost revise the intended outcome you are wishing for when it comes to talking to your son. You cannot, and will not be able to convince him to do something he doesn’t want to do. If you approach him with a particular agenda front and centre in your mind, you – and most likely he – will both get frustrated, and you may push him further away. As a parent of a young adult, your role is quite simple: to provide love and support, to guide as best as you can, and to be there for him when he falls. I can certainly understand your desire for him to take some time away from his girlfriend who sounds troubled herself so that he can focus on getting himself better. As an objective party, you probably see the relationship as an added stressor to his life. But, you need to bite your tongue on this one. What you need to focus on is providing support and guidance around ways that he can work to get back on his feet. Does he recognize his addiction issues? Has he sought treatment – not only for his use of marijuana, but for the likely depression or anxiety issues that may be accompanying his reliance on the substance? It is clear from the addiction literature that more often than not, addiction issues are masking other more significant underlying emotional issues. Try to speak to him about those issues (if he’s willing to share with you), or guide him toward existing resources in the community. Educating yourself is also important. The Canadian Mental Health Association has national and local offices across the country, and can offer you referrals and resources that may assist. Here to Help is a fantastic website that offers a range of information, including materials for family members who are struggling with knowing how to support a loved one who is dealing with a substance use or mental health issue. If you work on educating yourself and support him in his own recovery, he will probably gain clarity as he gets better and start to make better personal and life decisions for himself. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My mother-in-law is hypercritical of my husband in front of us both. My husband is understandably upset by this and I have to admit it’s starting to get to me as well. Is it in my place to say something? Or does it need to come from him? The answer: Being unfairly criticized by anyone (a boss, a partner, a friend) is upsetting no matter what the circumstances. Throw into the mix being an adult child who is being criticized in front of his partner, and you have a situation that will, not surprisingly, trigger a range of negative emotions, including embarrassment, shame, sadness and anger. In-law relationships can be one of the most sensitive relationships to navigate around. No matter how close you are with your in-laws, the reality is most people need to approach potential difficulties with their partner’s family even more gently than they would with their own. Recognizing that your mother-in-law is being hypercritical is an important first step. If you haven’t already done so, let your husband know you are aware that her behaviour is unfair and inappropriate, and that it upsets you. You may want to tell him that you can understand how uncomfortable it may make him feel, and reassure him that your opinion of him is not affected in any way by what she says. Encourage and support your husband to talk directly to his mother. You may want to try to understand what gets in the way of him expressing to her how hurtful her behaviour is. Is he worried he may hurt her feelings? Has he just tolerated her behaviour most of his life? Is he not sure what exactly to say to her? You could help your husband brainstorm ways to address his mother’s behaviour toward him (ideally without you present, as this may make it more likely that she is responsive to his feedback). If your husband finds it difficult (or ineffective) to talk to his mother, you may want to (only with your husband’s permission) have a one-on-one conversation with her, explaining to her how upsetting her behaviour is to him. Finally, if despite both of your best efforts her behaviour isn’t changing (which it may not) you could try to minimize her comments. When she starts to criticize your husband, try changing the topic (you may try this gently, or be more blatant about it if her criticisms are highly inappropriate). Or, counterbalance what she is saying with positive things about your husband – so if she is criticizing his parenting behaviour, you could give examples of how he is a wonderful father. Dr. John Gottman’s The Relationship Cure is an excellent book that provides useful strategies to repair and strengthen a range of relationships in our lives. The book helps us understand the unhelpful patterns that we can get into in our important relationships, and provides useful strategies for approaching our key relationships in helpful ways. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m in my late 20s and have been married for close to two years. About 6 months ago, my in-laws decided to downsize and bought a townhouse on our street. While I respect and care for my husband’s family, I don’t appreciate living so close to his parents. I don’t feel like we have the same privacy any more. They show up unannounced and my husband is always visiting there. No one seems to think it’s an issue but me. How can I make this living situation work without building resentment? Or is it time for us to move? The answer: Uh oh, sounds like a case of too close for comfort is brewing. Navigating the waters with family – particularly in-laws – requires a tremendous amount of patience, tact and compromise. It is good that you are recognizing the potential for issues early on, before they have a detrimental impact on your relationship with your husband and his parents. There used to be a time when extended families, or living in close proximity to one another was the norm. This has shifted dramatically for a range of societal reasons. There are certainly benefits to having family live close by, such as having social supports nearby, being able to stay connected and foster a closer relationship, and being able to mutually support each other (e.g., as parents age, or if you and your husband have children). There is also, as you are recognizing, the potential for things to go awry, such as the invasion of your privacy and independent space, perhaps unrealistic expectations on everyone’s end of how much contact there should be, and a reduction in the one-to-one quality time you and your husband spend together. This can lead to frustration, resentment, and anger. You need to start by having an open conversation with your husband, being respectful and sensitive to the fact that these are his parents. Ask him how he feels about how things are going with the new living arrangement (he may surprise you by also feeling torn about how to deal with the proximity). Let him know what your concerns are. Start by emphasizing that you have two important goals: one, that you and he continue to have a strong and happy relationship with his parents; and two, that you want to ensure you and he – as your own family unit – continue to thrive as a couple and don’t have unnecessary conflict over family. Be mindful of focusing on the positives that there inevitably are of having them close by, as I suspect it is not all negative. I would suggest giving it a fair go of continuing to live where you do, but establishing some clear boundaries. Try to articulate what you specifically want. For example, rather than saying to your husband “I don’t want you going over there every other night” say, “I’d like you and I to have dinner together on weekdays so that we can catch up and spend time together.” If your in-laws drop by unexpectedly, you could say, “we love seeing you, but we’d really appreciate if you could call first just to make sure we are free to visit and not in the middle of something.” If subtle attempts to shift expectations don’t work, then your husband is the one who needs to have a more direct conversation with his family about setting the parameters for behaviour. If you start that discussion, there is the high likelihood you will be viewed as the “bad guy.” Be patient and give it a period of about six months to see if things get better. If not, then you may need to have discussions with your husband about whether moving is logistically the best option to maintain the overall happiness of everyone in your family. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My teenage daughter is always late, and it drives me crazy. She’s not a bad kid at all. But the moment I ask her what time she’ll be home, what time I can pick her up, what time she’ll be ready for dinner, she is never on time. The added frustration is that she’s not late by hours or anything – more like 20 to 30 minutes. So she always chalks it up as no big deal. Why can’t she see how wrong it is to be late? What can I do? The answer: As human beings, we are pretty simple creatures – much of our behaviour is driven by the consequences that follow. We continue to do things that feel good and are followed by positive outcomes (positive reinforcement), or the removal of a negative outcome such as nagging (negative reinforcement). Conversely, we tend to gravitate away from things that are followed by negative consequences (punishment) or when something that was previously reinforcing is removed altogether (extinction). Of all of the reinforcement schedules, positive reinforcement is the most powerful and, contrary to popular belief, punishment is the most problematic. It can lead to other negative responses such as resentment or anger, particularly when it relates to parenting. Not surprisingly, consequences that immediately follow behaviours (short-term consequences) tend to be more powerful predictors of behaviour than those that are delayed by hours, days or years (long-term consequences) – particularly for kids and adolescents, where the ability to delay gratification is still being developed. The issue you are faced with is not how to convince your daughter that her behaviour is wrong – after all, “wrong” places a judgmental value on a behaviour that, as you have said yourself, is not bad so much as it is frustrating. And – as anyone with a teen can attest – you can try to talk, talk, talk all you want to convince your teen that you are right, but that and a toonie may only get you a cup of coffee on a good day. What you need to do is ask yourself how you are reinforcing her behaviour. And then stop. Immediately. Put yourself in your daughter’s shoes for a moment. If you were her, and you were picked up on time, dinner was ready and waiting, and not a moment of your precious teenage time was spent waiting around for the parental chauffeur-chef, what motivation would you have to change? For the next month, do the following: Since she is consistently 20 to 30 minutes late, don’t show up for at least 35 to 45 minutes after she had requested a pick-up (assuming, of course, none of these are safety-sensitive situations, such as a late-night party). If she provides a time for dinner and doesn’t show up, put away her food when she is late, so that she can warm it up on her own when she gets home. Be consistent in your behaviour, and execute it with a smile on your face. It likely won’t take too long before she realizes waiting around may be a bigger deal than she thought. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Feeling Suicidal? How to ask for help
Over the last decade, conversations about mental health and suicide prevention have become more prevalent. More people are becoming aware of the importance of mental health on our overall health. But unfortunately, we still have a long way to go and stigma is still affecting our ability to ask for help when we’re feeling suicidal or struggling at all. It’s important to remember that mental illness or thoughts of suicide are not a sign of weakness or a reflection on your character, and asking for help is an incredible show of strength. Know that you deserve support regardless of what in your brain is telling you otherwise. Also, know that help is available. Even if the first person you reach out to is not as helpful as you hoped, try again. Not everyone has the ability to be supportive and that is not a reflection on you. If you don’t have someone in your personal life you rely on, know that there are always crisis lines and professionals who have the training to provide you with the support you need. Don’t give up on support altogether, even if it takes some time to garner it. How to ask for help when you’re suicidal Many of us may struggle with asking for help when we’re suicidal because we don’t know what to say. We may not know how to express the feelings we are experiencing, and we may not know what we need or what type of support someone is able (or willing) to offer. These conversations are never going to be perfect, and we are never going to find the perfect words – but saying something is better than nothing. So, here are some suggestions on how to start these conversations and help to keep yourself safe. “I am really struggling and don’t feel safe right now, can you stay on the phone with me until I calm down?”
“I am feeling [depressed/suicidal] and I don’t know what to ask for, but I don’t want to be alone right now.” “I’m struggling right now, but I’m not ready to talk about it. Will you help to distract me?”
“I’ve been struggling with my mental health and what I’ve been trying isn’t working. Will you help me make a better plan?” (set a particular time and date to do it)
“Can you check in with me [at a particular time / every day] just to make sure I’m alright?”
“I’ve been really low. Can you remind me of something you like about me?”
Final Thoughts Asking for help when you’re suicidal can be challenging. Often it can be helpful to be blunt and say that you are feeling suicidal so the person you are reaching out to for support can better support you. It’s not easy to ask for help, but it is strong and it is brave and hopefully, the more we talk about suicide the easier it will be for people to ask for help. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My husband has always been short-tempered, but he has become increasingly angry over the past few months. He takes it out on our pre-teen children – he has never gotten physical and does not swear or get otherwise verbally abusive. But he gets easily annoyed and frustrated, and will raise his voice and get upset with them to the point that they don’t want to be around him. His responses are out of proportion to the situations. How can I help him see the damage he is causing? The answer: Anger is a normal, healthy emotion that we all experience at times. Like any other emotion, anger exists on a continuum with varying degrees of severity. The range of emotions may include minor annoyance, irritation or frustration, all the way up to fury or rage. It is important to distinguish the emotional experience of anger (which can be appropriate in some circumstances) from the outward expression of anger (which is often inappropriate, and can lead to damaging, destructive or abusive situations). Anger can serve a useful function in some situations: namely when we are in situations where we are being disrespected, threatened/attacked, or when our boundaries are being crossed. Anger can become unhealthy and problematic when it is mismatched to the severity of a situation, or when it is inappropriately expressed or negatively impacting others – like the situation you seem to be describing with your husband. In these latter types of situations, anger often is a “secondary emotion” – meaning that it may be a sign of another underlying “primary emotion”. Insecurity, fear/anxiety, and depression can often manifest as anger, particularly for men. Given that you have described a recent change in your husband’s behaviour, it may be likely that his anger is reflective of some other emotional experience or stressor. Given that your husband’s behaviour is having a negative impact on your young children, you need to address this with him immediately. You may want to start by having a general discussion about changes you’ve observed over recent months. Be specific and objective in describing the behaviour you have seen, and avoid making assumptions or laying blame (as this will likely just lead to him feeling defensive). Let him know that you want to work with him as a family to create a more supportive and caring environment for your children. Describe the impact it’s having on your children. Ask if he’s noticed that things have felt different or ‘off’ recently, and if there are things that have been bothering him over recent months that you may be unaware of. Take a problem-solving approach where you work with your husband to identify factors that may be contributing to his anger (and work on solving those). Also, try to agree upon some immediate strategies to minimize the impact of his mood on your children (e.g., ask him to go for a short walk to relax before he comes home from work and sees the family). You should remain unapologetic in your expression of behaviours that need to change. Know that there are a range of effective strategies for managing anger, including: identifying trigger factors/situations (and working to reduce those); working to solve underlying issues (e.g., untreated depression or anxiety); learning and implementing relaxation strategies; reducing alcohol or other non-prescription substance use; changing thoughts/interpretations that lead to angry thoughts; and learning more effective/healthy communication styles (e.g., assertive, rather than aggressive communication styles). Note: If there is ever any indication of emotional, verbal or physical abuse – toward you or children – it is important first and foremost to ensure safety of everyone involved. Remove yourself and your children from any potentially dangerous or threatening situation and call The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) for resources in your area. There are a number of useful books on anger management that may be helpful for individuals that are dealing with anger problems, as well as for their loved ones to better understand anger patterns and triggers. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I have a friend who I’ve known almost my whole life. A while ago, he asked me to wire him money because he “lost his wallet” – and not a small amount. Then he dropped out of sight. It turns out his life was nosediving because of alcohol and he wound up homeless. Now he’s getting back on his feet again. I’m happy for him, but now I’m unemployed and want my money back. How do I approach him? The answer: There is some wisdom in the old adage that money and friends don’t mix. More often than not, mixing the two can create rifts in a friendship and add an awkwardness that wasn’t there before. Now, in your situation, you did what a good friend does – in fact what a great friend does: You supported your friend when he needed it. Although you later realized that he was struggling with substance use and likely myriad other difficulties, you put your trust in him and gave when you thought he needed it. It is your friend’s turn to now support you. The best way to approach him is clearly and directly. Here are some tips you can follow when making your request: Describe the past situation: “You may remember that in [month/year] I lent you [x dollars] when you had called and let me know that you lost your wallet. I really wanted to help you out, so was happy to do so. I know you’ve gone through a lot since that time, and I am really happy that you are getting back on your feet again.” Describe your current situation (not necessary but it may help to give context): “Unfortunately, I recently lost my job and am struggling financially.” Make your request (be specific, and provide timelines): “So, I need the full amount of what I lent you back, ideally by the end of the month.” Be reasonably flexible and allow your friend to respond: “I realize that this is likely not something you were planning for. What are your thoughts on being able to get the full amount back to me within that time period?” Then negotiate a reasonable resolution that is acceptable to both of you. Be specific. Ask yourself what you are willing to accept and convey that clearly to your friend. For example, if you need the money within the month and he proposes to pay you six months down the road, let him know that won’t work for you and why. Tell him that you do not want money to get in the way of your friendship and that you are hopeful you can arrive at a resolution that works for both of you. Do not apologize (as that dilutes the request) and do not be overly wordy. If your friend is not willing to give your money back or work to get it to you within the limits he has, unfortunately, it may be that you just have to learn a very valuable lesson from this and decide how, or in what capacity, you want to keep this friend in your life moving forward. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Navigating Valentine’s Day when partners don’t agree about its significance
For heterosexual couples, there’s no special occasion that men and women disagree about more than Valentine’s Day! Many men that I hear from are frustrated and confused about the (seemingly) disproportionate emphasis that their female partners place on this day relative to other days of the year. Why do women like Valentine’s Day and place more importance on it? Let’s talk about it! Note this article is not intended to exclude same-sex couples, but rather to address some of the significant sex differences that do exist between men and women when it comes to Valentine’s Day. Why do women like Valentine’s Day? So, let me explain why I think women like Valentine’s Day. They like Valentine’s Day for reasons that are, in spirit, not dissimilar to the reasons they like other special occasions. The day is a celebration of something very special in their lives – love. An informal poll of my female friends was unanimous. This is a day that women want to feel extra loved, appreciated and special to their partners. Chalk it up to the childhood dreams many of us women have about fairy-tale happy endings and knights in shining armour. It’s perhaps a little silly, and usually far from the reality of life, but certainly, something that makes many feel warm and fuzzy inside. How to navigate Valentine’s Day without feeling like you’re letting your partner down Here’s what I suggest:
Love Languages In his fantastic book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, Dr. Gary Chapman writes about the differences couples encounter when they are speaking different “love languages.” He articulates the importance of understanding your partner’s primary love language (i.e. quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service or physical touch) as a way to improve and strengthen your relationship. Special occasions – and the associated celebration of them – often speak to the different love languages couples have, and the differences partners have about how the other communicates their love. So, smile. Enjoy the day. Go the extra mile for your partner on this day, then ask yourself: Something that makes her feel extra happy and special can’t be all bad, can it? By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’ve always been a sensitive and emotional person. While I don’t think it’s a negative thing, I do find that I take a lot of comments seriously and personally. Often people may be joking, but somehow I interpret their statements negatively. How can I embrace my sensitivity without going overboard? The answer: I like that you have established a useful and realistic goal for yourself – to embrace a trait you have that, while not all negative, has some downsides for you in certain situations. Any personality trait or attribute exists along a continuum, and we all tend to have a set-point range where we fall along that continuum. The contributing factors are multiple, and ultimately a combination of nature and nurture: the personality and genetics we came into this world with; our early childhood environment; and important life events and circumstances (both positive and negative). Like you, I am high on the sensitivity scale. There are a great things that come along with this – sensitive people are more likely to experience intense positive emotions, tend to connect with others’ emotional experiences on a deeper level, are more attune to changes in others’ moods and, and have a strong ability to empathize with others. However, as you have recognized there are also downsides to being highly sensitive and emotional. You are more likely to personalize things, interpret things with negative intent when it may not exist, and overreact negatively to what may be a perceived insult. I suspect you are also likely to ruminate over things that have been said or done by others, have a hard time letting go of the past, and experience deeper hurt when it comes to conflict in interpersonal relationships. When it comes to our emotional reactions, the single most important factor that shapes how we react is our thoughts. If you are walking down the street, wave to an acquaintance you recently met at a party who ignores you, and think “I must have said something she didn’t like when we met” you are likely going to react negatively. If instead you think (as people who are high in emotional resiliency would) “she didn’t recognize me, seeing me here is out of context” or “she looked preoccupied with a phone call she was on” you will probably have little to no emotional reaction. Identify the automatic thoughts and interpretations that come up for you in situations where you react to others’ comments. Then ask yourself a few key questions: Is the thought/interpretation you are having realistic and accurate? What is the evidence that what you are thinking is not true? What alternative explanations could there be for the comment that was made? Then actively work on replacing the automatic negative/personalized thoughts with thoughts that are more accurate to the situation, based on a review of all of the evidence. I believe a core part of our life’s work is to continue to build awareness of who we are, recognize the patterns and behaviours we engage in that may be negatively impacting us or those around us, and work to continually improve areas of weakness. And you are right – the goal is to not do away with fundamental elements that make you who you are, but rather to embrace those attributes in a way that the positives are maximized and the negatives are minimized so that you are living an overall happier life. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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