Written by Xavier Mercader Men and Mental Health: The Burden of Toxic Masculinity
Studies suggest men are less likely to seek support when it comes to mental health related issues. But, do we not suffer from stress or anxiety (among others), just as much as our female counterparts? Of course we do. So why is it that some men are still reluctant to seek help? Toxic Masculinity The main reason is societal stereotypes of what’s supposed to be “manly”. As men, some of us still feel some sort of social pressure in the idea that men are supposed to be “strong”, both physically and mentally. Therefore, showing signs of mental distress may be considered a weakness in the eyes of some people. There’s an old song I like that says, “in the days of my youth, I was told what it is to be a man. Now I’ve reached the age, I’ve tried to do all those things the best I can.” Ironically enough, the man singing this song was Robert Plant, from Led Zeppelin, who has always been playful and open about his sexuality. Fortunately, that “toxic masculinity” image has been changing and evolving over the years. Now, in 2023 we are starting to be able to see masculinity differently as well as have a different relationship with masculinity. We know we don’t need to watch sports and drink beer. We don’t need to make more money than our partner or be the sole economic provider in our household. And, we don’t need to suppress our feelings. Yet, we still have a ways to go when it comes to wholeheartedly accepting these ideals. These types of archaic stereotypes can play a role in our everyday life. They can impact what we do and stop doing, in fear of what’s (supposedly) expected of us as men. This is often because we feel our masculinity is challenged by what society dictates is “normal”. My Relationship with Masculinity One way I experienced it was while taking care of my toddler. After 8 months of maternity leave, my wife started work again. So, I cut my hours and changed my shift, to take care of our daughter. My wife’s scientific career is important to her and I supported her decision to go back to work early. While still on maternity leave, my wife and I would take our little one to the playground on the weekend. But the first time I took my daughter to the playground by myself I felt out of place. (That going alone, as a man wasn’t the norm.) Picture a guy with long hair and earring, wearing a biker jacket, a Motorhead t-shirt and leather boots, taking his 8-month-old daughter (dressed as cute as a baby can be), to the swings. Not only that, but I was also the only father on the playground. And, as silly as it may sound, I felt insecure. Of course, nobody was paying attention to me, but I felt uncomfortable because I fell outside the stereotype of a father. Traditionally, these roles are reversed in most families. I’m sure if we ask, most men will agree that a father taking his child to the playground should be normal. But (sadly) numbers never lie, and they were telling me I was down 5 to 1, not just that day, but for months. Should I have stopped taking my daughter to the playground because of my insecurity? Of course not! She loves the swings, so I took her anyway. Sure I felt out of place the first few times, but I realized I should stop seeing moms or dads (or the lack of them), and see parents. Though it’s impossible not to wonder where the other fathers are. Men and Mental Health So, how does toxic masculinity relate to mental health and what can we do about it? A culture of toxic masculinity results in men trying to hide and bury our mental struggles. Though this will only create unsolved issues; producing a snowball effect. And like a snowball rolling downhill, that small problem we didn’t want to talk about, will keep growing until it explodes. I’m sure many, if not all, of us, have seen this type of explosion happen before. It’s understandable that taking the step to seek the help of a professional may seem like a lot if you’re not used to asking for help. But there are smaller steps we can take to work towards seeking the help we need:
Final Thoughts As the father of a young daughter, I want to see more men breaking down the ideas of toxic masculinity. I want to see more fathers spending one on one time with their children and opening up about their feelings, without feeling judged. When we are able to express our feelings and deal with our mental health we become better fathers, better partners, better family members and better men. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My wife is fundamentally against the idea of counseling – she’s depressed, unsatisfied with life and has serious body image issues. But I think she needs to see an expert. How can I convince her it’s a good idea? The answer: It can frustrating and saddening for any of us to see someone we love being unhappy and struggling with life. We can often feel helpless in not being able to improve our loved one’s emotional state, particularly if we feel we have exhausted the avenues we have available to us. Certainly there can be a number of positive benefits that many people can experience from seeing and receiving treatment from an objective, neutral and trained mental health professional. That being said, the first point I would like to underscore is that it is not your role to “convince” your wife to seek out counseling. Your role as a partner is, first and foremost, to serve as a source of unconditional support. I do not mean at all to convey that she does not need or would not benefit from counseling, but the way that you approach this discussion is key. All too often I see well-meaning partners who will “tell” or “try to convince” their partner to seek out counselling, but this message can be interpreted as critical (rather than supportive). I would suggest that you start by have a genuine, heart-to-heart conversation with her. If possible, be mindful of timing this conversation on a day and time when both of you have dedicated and uninterrupted time to speak, free of other distractions. Convey your love and concern for her. Focus on communicating how you feel, and be specific about what you have noticed (e.g., “I feel saddened when I see you looking upset and tearful…”). Avoid making assumptions about how she is feeling (e.g., “I think you are depressed and need help”) as this may come across as accusatory or judgmental. Ask what you can do to help and support her. Focus on directing the conversation toward what she feels she needs, and what she thinks would be helpful. You say she is “fundamentally against” the idea of counseling, and I would try to understand where this comes from. Has she had negative or unhelpful experiences with mental health professionals in the past? Does she feel shame or stigma about having to seek out help? Is she unclear about what role a professional would play? Does she feel hopeless that treatment would not help? This may provide a better understanding of where she is coming from, and may help guide you towards ways that you can more effectively support her. Finally, offer to go with her to an initial appointment, no-strings attached. Maybe she’s afraid and unsure about the process. Let her know that you see this as a family issue, and that if she is feeling unwell emotionally that impacts you. Emphasize that your goal is to help and support her, in whatever way possible. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth As humans, virtually all of our traits – even the ones we value – can cause difficulties in particular situations. For example, being sensitive and having strong emotional reactions is not in and of itself problematic – these traits also lead us to be high empathy and experience joyfulness and happiness.
However, being high in interpersonal sensitivity can make us more sensitive in our reactions to benign joking or teasing. This can directly impact our self-esteem and our relationships with others (like those doing the joking, for example). While we may not be able – or even want – to completely change these traits, we are often able to make conscious decisions that help us deal with these situations better. Where does sensitivity come from? Any personality trait or attribute exists along a continuum, and we all tend to have a set-point range where we fall along that continuum. The contributing factors are multiple, and ultimately a combination of nature and nurture:
Being sensitive is neither bad nor good, it just is There are great things that come along with being sensitive – sensitive people are more likely to experience intense positive emotions, tend to connect with others’ emotional experiences on a deeper level, are more attuned to changes in others’ moods, and have a strong ability to empathize with others. However, there are also downsides to being highly sensitive and emotional. Sensitive people are more likely to personalize things, interpret things with negative intent when it may not exist, and overreact negatively to what may be a perceived insult. They are also likely to ruminate over things that have been said or done by others, have a hard time letting go of the past, and experience deeper hurt when it comes to conflict in interpersonal relationships. Our thoughts shape our reactions When it comes to our emotional reactions, the single most important factor that shapes how we react is our thoughts and interpretations about the situation. If you are walking down the street, wave to an acquaintance you recently met at a party who ignores you, and think “I must have said something she didn’t like when we met” you are likely going to react negatively. If instead, you think (as people who are high in emotional resilience would) “she didn’t recognize me, seeing me here is out of context” or “she looked preoccupied with a phone call she was on” you will probably have little to no emotional reaction. So, how can we have better control over our emotional reactions, particularly as they relate to emotional sensitivity? 1. Identify the automatic thoughts and interpretations that come up for you in a particular trigger situation. What are you thinking, perceiving and believing? Be as specific as possible. 2. Ask yourself a few key questions:
3. Actively work on replacing the automatic negative/personalized thoughts with thoughts that are more accurate to the situation, based on a review of all of the evidence. A core part of our life’s work is to continue to build awareness of who we are, recognize the patterns and behaviours we engage in that may be negatively impacting us or those around us, and work to continually improve areas of weakness. The goal is not to do away with fundamental elements that make you who you are, but rather to embrace those attributes in a way that the positives are maximized and the negatives are minimized so that you are living an overall happier life. Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Supporting LGBTQ+ People in the Workplace
LGBTQ+ individuals experience discrimination and harassment in the workplace. This directly and negatively impacts LGBTQ+ individuals’ mental health. So, when talking about workplace mental health, we need to pay special attention to groups, like the LGBTQ+ community, to actively work against this treatment to create psychologically safe spaces for all individuals. Facts About LGBTQ+ Workers The LGBTQ+ community has higher rates of unemployment, with rates spiking even higher for trans and nonbinary people. But unemployment is not the only issue. A U.K. report, one of the first of its kind, found that 7 in 10 LGBTQ+ people have been sexually harassed at work and two-thirds did not report it to their employer. The Williams Institute on Sexual Orientation Law and Public Policy found 15% to 43% of gay and transgender workers faced some sort of workplace discrimination in the U.S.. Though it is important to note that the experience of discrimination and harassment is not consistent across the queer community:
Many organizations have come to understand the experiences that LGBTQ+ individuals face in the workplace and have created specific policies to be more inclusive. Some of these include; healthcare coverage for same-sex spouses, protocols for gender transition, and paid parental leave for same-sex couples and adoptive parents. Inclusive Workspaces – Supporting LGBTQ+ People in the WorkplaceThough creating inclusive workplace policies is a great first step, it’s just that – a first step. Workplace policies are not enough on their own to create safe and inclusive workplace environments and culture. So, what can companies and colleagues do to create a safe and inviting workplace for members of the LGBTQ+ community?
Supporting LGBTQ+ Co-workers Oftentimes when we find out a co-worker is part of the LGBTQ+ community, we want to show our support but don’t know the best way to do so. What are some (potentially well-meaning) things that shouldn’t be done in the workplace when it comes to LGBTQ+ co-workers?
As we learn about the queer community and the diversity of people within the community, it’s natural to want to know more. The number of recognized identities is growing and it can seem intimidating and complicated to those who are not part of the LGBTQ+ community. It’s a great thing to be eager and willing to learn, and education is an important part of creating a more safe and inclusive environment for everyone. You might know someone who identifies within the LGBTQ+ community and figure they’re the best person to ask those burning questions. They might be, but they also may not. So, let’s talk about asking questions as this in an important part of supporting LGBTQ+ people in the workplace. What To Consider Before Asking Questions Before asking questions consider a few things:
Get Consent First It’s important to not only be cautious of who you’re asking, but also the questions you ask. It’s equally as important to ask for consent before asking a question. Asking for consent can be as simple as “can I ask you a question about X?” and waiting for an answer. It’s also important to be prepared to hear and respect the answer ‘no’. Questions Not to ask your LGBTQ+ Co-workers Here is a list of things to consider, as well as explanations as to why questions can be challenging to receive for those in the LGBTQ+ community.
Final Thoughts Supporting LGBTQ+ people in the workplace doesn’t have to be challenging. Start with good intentions on fostering an inclusive space, educate yourself on the LGBTQ+ community and the issues they face in the workplace, and do want you can to create that safe space. Ensure policies are updated and followed, lead by example and train and workers within your organization. If you’re motivated to learn more about the LGBTQ+ community consider checking out sites like TheSafeZoneProject for terminology, PFLAG a website for families and friends of LGBTQ+ people, or GLAAD, an organization devoted to shaping conversations about LGBTQ+ folks. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Coping with Suicidal Thoughts
If you’re thinking about suicide, you’re not alone. Many people have thoughts of suicide, for a number of reasons. Thoughts of suicide can be very scary and coping with suicidal thoughts may seem impossible. You probably feel hurt, confused, overwhelmed and hopeless about your future. You may feel sadness, grief, anger, guilt, shame, or emptiness. It’s easy to think that nothing can be done to change your situation. Your feelings may seem like they are just too much to handle right now. It’s important to know that thinking about suicide does not mean that you will lose control or act on these thoughts. Having thoughts of suicide does not mean you are weak, or ‘crazy’. Many people think about suicide because they are looking for a way to escape the pain they’re feeling. Even though your situation seems hopeless and you wonder if you can stand another minute of feeling this bad, there are ways to get through this and feel better. You don’t have to face this situation alone. Help is available. Coping with Suicidal Thoughts Right Now If you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts now and are possibly feeling unsafe, here are some things you can do right now.
Once you feel like you are out of immediate danger of harming yourself you can take the time to consider long term solutions to coping with suicidal thoughts. Make A Safety Plan Making a safety plan can be very helpful in getting you through those distressing times where you feel unsafe. Having a plan ahead of time ensures you know who you can call and have those people prepared to support you, as well as what activities and places can help you to get through the worst moments. One of the best people to make a safety plan with is a professional, as they are familiar with the process and can help you to brainstorm ideas for the plan when you’re feeling hopeless. If you’re not already connected with a registered psychologist or counsellor we suggest you do so. With the help of professionals and the support of family and friends, you can learn about what is causing your suffering and how you can change or manage it. If you or someone you love is at immediate risk of injury or death, call 911. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Breathing Exercises to Manage Stress
Breathing exercises can be very helpful tools for managing symptoms when our “fight-flight-freeze” stress response is triggered. And the great thing about breathing techniques is they’re easy – once we master the steps. One of my go-to breathing exercises, which we teach to many clients in our clinical practice group, is “four stage breathing”. This is a variant of the more common box breathing approach. Both can be equally effective approaches – it’s just about finding a style that works for you! What is Four Stage Breathing? Four stage breathing is a type of breathing technique that slows down our breathing actively and intentionally. It’s called four stage breathing as there are – surprise! – four stages to each full breath: two parts to the inhale, and two parts to the exhale. Why do breathing exercises work? And why is it important? Stress triggers our “fight-flight-freeze” response and when this response is triggered, we tend to shallow breathe. So why is shallow breathing a problem? Shallow breathing can lead to a whole host of physiological symptoms – including for example, changes in body temperature, lightheadedness or dizziness, or feelings of derealization or depersonalization (where distance/perception can be altered). These symptoms can mimic anxiety – and so shallow breathing can inadvertently make subjective feelings of anxiety or stress worse. Four stage breathing helps anxiety by providing control over the physiological symptoms – and this, in turn, helps calm the emotional symptoms. The Technique: How to do Four Stage Breathing First, ensure you are breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. This naturally slows down the pace of our breathing. Second, make each full breath last at least 10 seconds – 5 seconds on the inhale, and 5 seconds on the exhale. Break each inhale and exhale into two parts: On the first inhale, fill up most of your lungs; on the second inhale, think about ‘topping up’ your lungs with air. On the first exhale, push out most of the air, and on the second exhale think about fully emptying your lungs. This helps to maximize our lung capacity. Repeat this cycle for 3-5 minutes. When you are first learning four stage breathing, it’s important to practice when you are already relatively calm or feeling low stress – this can help build mastery. Then, over time, use it as a tool when you feel your stress or anxiety increasing. How I incorporate Four Stage Breathing into my life
There is a very strong evidence-base on the benefits of breathing to reduce the frequency and intensity of the physiological symptoms associated with stress and anxiety-related. I encourage you to try four stage breathing regularly for a week – just a handful of times a day, for just a handful of minutes at a time and see how you feel. Remember: when we are experiencing stress, the best thing we can do is focus on the things within our domain of control and breathing is one of them. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My daughter and I are close, but we can’t seem to communicate well. She’s in her 30s, but as long as I can remember we lose our temper or snap at each other over the smallest or biggest things. This starts to get embarrassing when we’re among family or friends and can’t seem to talk politely. I’ve tried to talk to her about it but usually the changes are short-lived. Is it just too late and are we too set in our ways to change the behaviour? The answer: None of us are ever too set in our ways to change our behaviour – we have free will over our actions and full control over the way that we choose to conduct ourselves with others. Now, does this mean that changing the patterns of communication you and your daughter have will be easy or happen overnight? Of course not. Family interactions are often the toughest to change. The dynamics that exist in families are long-standing, and the communication that we adopt is often established at a very young age. The more time that passes, the more resistant to change these patterns become. Interestingly enough, we also tend to feel most helpless or give up the easiest when it comes to changing our family relationships. Strange, isn’t it, when most of us consider these to be among the most important and defining relationships in our life? Start by stepping back and get a big-picture perspective on the reasons your communication is so poor. Is the way you communicate with each other similar to how you interact with others in your life? Does your communication represent a more pervasive style each of you has with others or is it limited to your relationship only? What types of issues trigger conflict? Do you each react to in-the-moment situations, or are there bigger underlying issues that have remained unsaid or unaddressed between the two of you? Keep in mind that there is only one person’s behaviour you have control over – yours. You cannot, no matter how much you wish, force your daughter to act or react in a different manner. Be brutally honest with yourself about the elements you are contributing the situation. Ask a family member or friend whom you trust to weigh in objectively. What nonverbal behaviours (tone, posture, facial expressions) change for you when you are around your daughter? Are there hot-topic buttons that you purposely or inadvertently push? How do you respond when she gets snappy? Once you have identified the verbal and nonverbal behaviours you bring to the mix, have a discussion with your daughter. Express to her that you want your style of communication to change. Let her know what you will work on adjusting (be specific and detailed). Ask her what else you can do that would make things better for her (there are likely things you do or say that trigger her that you may be unaware of). Be mindful of not reinforcing her behaviour. For example, if she gets short with you, do not engage or escalate your response – simply stay silent or walk away (assuming the behaviour does not violate a personal boundary or become abusive – in which case you would need to establish parameters). Even if your daughter is unwilling to take a look at her contribution, it is almost impossible for her behaviour to not naturally start to change once you truly commit to changing yours. After all, communication is inherently bidirectional, and our responses are shaped significantly by the responses of those we are interacting with. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Ahhh, relationships…
No matter what gets people through the therapy door, relationship-related challenges are often what keep people in the room – whether it’s our family relationships, social or work relationships, or our intimate relationships. Our intimate relationships, in particular, can be so beautiful, and also a source of such angst – particularly when we are with someone who we may know is not the right fit for us, or who isn’t as invested in us as we are in them. When they just aren’t that into you We often intuitively know if someone is as “into us” as we are into them – but often we ignore these feelings. We may hold out hope that the person’s feelings will change or grow, we may try to convince ourselves that we don’t care as much as we do and can keep it casual, we may blame ourselves for not being ‘good enough,’ or we may excuse their behaviour by becoming overly empathetic to their plight to ‘figure things out’ at the expense of putting our own needs far below theirs. Moving forward from unrequited love When relationships are not mutually beneficial, it’s important to understand the reasons why and take steps to move forward emotionally. So, what can you do to move forward?
Good luck with moving on and finding the love you deserve! Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth People often turn to their friends for support with difficulties in their romantic relationship and bluntly ask for their opinion. Rarely, if ever, does any good come from providing candid opinions about others’ relationships – particularly when the stakes are high (if they’ve been together for a long time or have children, for example). Some of the difficult-category questions we receive may range from ‘do you like my partner’ to ‘should I stay with them’ or ‘do you think they are cheating?’.
The best general advice? Keep your unfiltered and unedited opinions to yourself. And if you feel tempted to do otherwise, rewind and repeat that mantra. Brutal honesty is not always the best policy When asked for a candid opinion from someone you care about, you want to be truthful. However, brutal honesty is not always the best policy, especially when there’s the potential to provide advice or input a friend may not be willing or open to receive. Sometimes not providing our honest opinions can feel misleading or untruthful; however, if any of us went through life fully verbalizing the “bubble above our head,” it’s likely most of our relationships would end. We make the best decisions for ourselves Ultimately the people in a relationship are the ones that have to decide what to do next, and they are ultimately the only people who can come to a resolution about how their relationship should unfold. So, when asked for advice in these types of situations your role is twofold: to provide friends support when they ask for it and help guide them toward making the best decision for themselves. What are some ways we can approach situations where we are asked for our candid, unfiltered advice – and we know that advice is probably not what our friend wants to hear?
Remember, when it comes to other people’s relationships, good questions asked are better than candid opinions given! Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Taking Medications for Sleep – Do They Work?
Do you struggle with sleep difficulties? Too much on your mind or too much on the go? This is a common problem in the fast-paced world we are living in. Many people are plagued with stress and worry thoughts that make it difficult to fall asleep. Have you used or considered using sleep medication to help you sleep? Many of us have because it seems like a simple and easy solution to our challenges. But are medications for sleep really a good solution? Should you take sleeping pills?Sleep medication, both prescription and non-prescription, should only be used in conjunction with making lifestyle changes and should only be used intermittently, for a short duration of approximately 5-10 days. More extended use leads to drug tolerance, dependence, withdrawal effects, side effects, and rebound insomnia (where sleep problems after medication cessation become worse than they were prior to taking medications). When taking sleep medications, it’s important to note that you should never mix them with alcohol, and you should always ensure you have allowed for at least 7-8 hours to sleep after taking medication, as it can affect your ability to function the next day. What about melatonin? I’m sure you’re thinking, ‘what about melatonin? It is natural isn’t it?’ Yes, melatonin is the key hormone that increases sleepiness. About 50% of people with sleep problems can benefit from up to 3mg of melatonin, taken 0.5 to 1.0 hours before bedtime. But, just because melatonin is a natural hormone doesn’t mean it should be used regularly. Melatonin can cause some side effects including:
It can also interact with other medications. So, the answer to the question should you take sleeping pills? It should also be used sparingly and in conjunction with lifestyle changes, good sleep hygiene, and CBT. Cognitive-behavioural treatment (CBT) is the most effective treatment for sleep problems, as well as associated mood and worry or anxiety issues, all of which commonly impact our ability to sleep. It may also be helpful to talk to your family physician to ensure there are no other underlying issues that may be impacting your sleep. If you’re still struggling with sleep difficulties, sign up for a video consultation with a counsellor at the Psychological Health and Safety Clinic. |
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