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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  We spend a significant portion of our days working, so relationships with our colleagues can be important to maintain for our overall mental health. Conflict with colleagues, as well as actual or perceived unfairness in the workplace, particularly when it pertains to important outcomes such as a promotion, can have a tremendous impact on job satisfaction. It is normal to feel disappointed, frustrated, and perhaps even angry.
What happens when we experience co-worker related stress? As human beings, we tend to enter a state of cognitive constriction (or tunnel vision) when faced with a stressful situation – particularly when it has to do with another person. We tend to paint the entire situation or object of our discontent with broad strokes. This manifests as us being much more likely to only focus on the negative attributes of situations – leading to a snowball-effect over time, where our emotions become more and more negative and difficult to manage over time. How to deal with unfair treatment What are some ways you can manage a situation where you feel you’ve been unfairly treated by another at work?
How do you approach this colleague if there are still negative feelings toward them?
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated.  Dealing with Grief During the Holidays
Grief, following the death of someone we care about, takes a huge emotional toll on us. Somewhat surprisingly, many of us believe it shouldn’t take that long to “get over” the grief we experience. This is due to, at least in part, the fact that we’re given a relatively short amount of time to grieve – for example, only a handful of days off work, and often very little reprieve from other day-to-day demands of life. But grief is much more complicated than that and dealing with grief during the holidays can be particularly challenging. How We Experience Grief Grief is an incredibly personal process, and although the length of time that grief affects each of us will vary the first year is typically the most difficult. It’s the year of “firsts” as we have to experience each occasion for the first time without that special person. The first birthdays, the first Mother’s/Father’s Day and the first holiday season. Know that it won’t always feel as hard as it does the first year. This person will continue to be someone you think of, they will have a presence in your memory, and they will be dearly missed, but it won’t always feel as challenging or deeply saddening as it does the first year. So how do you get through the holidays, particularly that first year, when you’re feeling sadness and loss while also feeling you should be happier or celebrating? How to Deal with Grief During the Holidays First, have an open and candid discussion with family (making sure the conversation is age-appropriate for children).
2. Second, find a way to honour and incorporate the memory of your loved one in the season’s celebrations.
Final Thoughts Often a big factor that holds us back from wanting to celebrate after a loved one passes relates to guilt – guilt at being happy when our loved one is no longer here. We may feel like we don’t have the right to celebrate when their life has ended, or somehow feel we are betraying their memory if we are having fun. Know that none of these things are true. Enjoying and celebrating the present, with the family who’s there, in no way negates the love for the loved one that has passed. The best way to honour the memories of those we have lost is to maximize our enjoyment of our loved ones while they are alive. Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Spending Less Time with Family Over the Holidays
When big changes happen in your life, like a new relationship, getting engaged, getting married, having children, other things in your life are also going to change – one of those things is holiday traditions. You will, over time, create new traditions with your family – that is, both your extended families and, down the road, your nuclear family if you choose to have kids. So, spending less time with your family over the holiday may make sense but talking about it isn’t necessarily easy. Family Relationships and Shame There’s no shame in wanting to change holiday traditions or wanting to spend more time with your partner’s family over your own. Though do note that shame is one of the most toxic and harmful emotions we can experience. It makes us feel inferior, worthless and wrong and is often associated with a critical voice that tells us we should feel or act in a way that’s different than how we actually have. How to Manage the Changing Traditions this Holiday Season So, the first step in managing new traditions is to work on rephrasing how you feel. If you still want to maintain a relationship with your own family it may feel challenging to tell them you’d like to spend less time with them during the holidays. So, the way you break the news to them can make all the difference. Ask yourself two questions:
You want them to first understand the decision isn’t an easy one for you and that you have mixed emotions about your decision (small white lies don’t hurt in these situations); and second, not begrudge you for your decision. When we struggle with how to approach a conversation, a number of factors get in the way. We don’t know what to say or how to say it; we get caught up in over-thinking the talk, worrying about all the possible – and often unlikely – outcomes; we let our own emotions, like anxiety or fear, get the way; we can’t decide what we really want; or we find that external factors, like how your family may react, are an impediment. We have an element of control over all but the last of these factors. Tips on how to have this conversation with your family:
Final Thoughts It’s also important to note that no one should feel obligated to spend time with family over the holidays. Just because we are related to someone does not mean that having a relationship with them is necessary or even healthy. So, if any members of your family are abusive, toxic or otherwise problematic you are not obligated to spend time with them – even during the holidays. Also, it’s always important to take care of ourselves, and this is particularly true during the holiday season, with the holidays being emotionally charged in a number of ways and the days being shorter which can have an impact on our psychological health and wellness. So, make sure to take care of yourself this Christmas and engage in parties and traditions that are going to be healthy for you. Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  How to support a friend or loved one who is suicidal
A friend or loved one is an important resource and source of support for those who are feeling suicidal. Even if you don’t feel as prepared to support someone you care about through these times, there are ways you can be supportive. Just know that you don’t always have to know exactly what to say or do. Often being present with someone is enough to keep them distracted and safe. As well as being aware of warning signs of when they’re high risk can help ensure they get the support they need during a crisis. The most important thing is to be there for your friend or loved one, and listen without judgment. Validate that their pain is real, and remind them that you are there for them. Ask them what they need, and what would be most helpful for them. If you feel additional support is needed, don’t hesitate to encourage them to seek professional help—and offer to help them do it. Steps to Support a Friend Who is Suicidal So, what are the things you can do to support someone who is suffering from mental health challenges and may be considering suicide? 1 Know the signs. Admitting to someone that you’re struggling is a challenging thing for many people, but sharing that you’re thinking of suicide is often even harder. Many people hold back admitting their thoughts of suicide out of fear of how people will react. So, knowing the signs can help you to provide the appropriate support. Most of the signs are around hopelessness; some of these signs include a preoccupation with death, getting their affairs in order, saying goodbye and withdrawing from others. 2 Listen attentively and without judgement. If someone does come to you with their thoughts of suicide, try to remain calm and listen to them attentively and without judgment. Focus on just being with the individual and allowing them an opportunity to express their emotions without interrupting or giving advice. 3 Start the conversation. Suicide is incredibly challenging to talk about or even raise – so if you are concerned, you can be helpful by asking your loved one gently but directly if they’re suicidal. This lets them know that it’s okay to talk about it with you and creates a space where they can express their thoughts. Be direct and ask if the person is considering suicide rather than hinting at it or implying it. 4 Evaluate their risk. Once someone has shared their thoughts of suicide, it is important to determine their level of immediate risk; are they just thinking that death may be a nice option if it somehow just happened (passive suicidal ideation) or are they actively wanting to do something to hurt themselves (active suicidal ideation)? There are a few questions you can ask to determine their level of risk:
5 How to take action.
Final Thoughts Know that there is only so much you can do to support someone and it can feel defeating if you have done everything you can but the person you care about is still struggling. Do everything you can, but know you can’t do everything. Make sure that you, as a support system/caregiver, are also making time to take care of yourself. Giving to others can be emotionally draining and you are only able to continue to help if you take care of yourself first. Note: if you are struggling to provide support and don’t know what to do at any point, you can also call the suicide crisis line for information, resources and suggestions that can help you to support your loved one. |
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