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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m a guy who loves his girlfriend, but that doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to other women. I’m in my 20s and making good money. Is it a bad idea to sow my wild oats now, before I’m fully committed? The answer: Umm … the fact that you are asking whether you should “sow your wild oats” – with your financial situation being one of the highlighted reasons why – tells me you need to do some serious thinking about what you want at this point in your life, and what you want to do about your relationship. Out of fairness to your girlfriend, this is something you should figure out sooner rather than later. There’s no judgment here: How you approach dating, and whether you have regrets about not dating more people before becoming more committed, is something only you can answer. Some people can be immensely happy, fulfilled and have no regrets despite having only one partner in their life; others feel that the best thing they could have done was to get dating “out of their system” before they got married or started a family. Don’t become overly distressed just at being attracted to someone. I see many people in my patient practice that are in loving, committed relationships, and who remain faithful to their partners, but find themselves attracted to others. These feelings are a natural part of being human; they often pass and usually mean nothing. It’s not whether you are attracted to other people that’s a problem – it’s what you do based on the attraction. Ask yourself: Do you find yourself getting too caught up in the attraction? Do you start to fantasize about being with someone else on a regular basis? Do you have thoughts of wanting to cheat on your girlfriend? If so, these are strong signs that you are not ready to be settling down at this stage in your life.You say you love your girlfriend. Do you picture being with her long-term? Could you imagine yourself married to her, or having children with her? Does the thought of her in your foreseeable future create positive feelings (comfort, peace, security, happiness, joy)? Or do you find yourself feeling anxious or stifled when you imagine this? And finally, how do you feel when you think about ending the relationship with your girlfriend? How do you feel when you envision her dating someone else? Keep in mind that dating life may not be what you imagined it to be, that you’d need to have a clear break in your relationship in fairness to your girlfriend. Realize that she will likely move on and may not be there if you were to decide to go back to her. Ultimately you need to trust your gut feeling and go with what seems to be the right thing for you. If it is dating other people, end things with your girlfriend in a respectful way and move on. You’re better ending things now when you are still young, and before things get more serious. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Emory Oakley. Emory is a writer and LGBTQ+ educator who regularly discusses the intersections of queer identities and mental health. How To Be A Good Trans Ally – Learning About Gender
I’m a transgender male and use the pronouns he/him/his or they/them/theirs. I’ve been out as transgender for five years and started my medical transition three years ago (when I started testosterone). Accurate pronoun use is always important, but it can be particularly important during the first few stages of transition because it helps a person feel validated in their gender as well as accepted. When someone is referred to with the wrong pronoun, it can make them feel disrespected, invalidated, dismissed, alienated, or dysphoric (often all of the above). One of the first questions cisgender people generally ask when the topic of pronouns is brought up is; how am I supposed to know which pronouns to use? How To Be A Good Trans Ally 1) Start by educating ourselves about the use of pronouns. In school, we’re taught about the use of pronouns in a binary manner: he/she for individuals, and they/them for plural. But this language needs to be updated to include the use of singular they/them pronouns. They/them pronouns are used for individuals who identify as non-binary, genderqueer, genderfluid or whoever chooses to use them. 2) Do not make assumptions about what pronouns a person uses.Just because someone presents a particular way, doesn’t mean they use the pronouns we assume they do. It can be helpful to practice using they/them pronouns and defaulting to using they until you find out what pronouns a person uses. Alternatively, you can default to simply using the person’s name. 3) If you’re unsure of someone’s pronouns, ask. Try one of these options: “Hey, what are your pronouns?”, “What pronouns do you use?”, “I was just wondering how you’d like me to address you.”, “I just want to make sure I’m using the correct language to refer to you.” Note: Avoid language around preference; pronouns are not a preference, they’re a requirement. 4) Start with yourself. An even easier way to start a conversation about pronouns is to start with yourself. Do this by introducing yourself with your name and pronouns, then give the other person the opportunity to do so as well. For example, I would say, “Hi, I’m Emory, I use he/him pronouns.” Doing this in a group setting where everyone states their name and pronouns, regardless of gender identity, can help to make the experience less tokenizing for trans people. It’s a good approach to give pronouns first, so it’s not required for others to ask or make the wrong assumptions. 5) Names are incredibly important. Not every trans person has legally changed their name but that does not mean you have the right to call them by their birth name (even if you know it). Respect the name they told you to call them by. If you’re struggling to make the change practice in the mirror or with another friend. 6) Be aware of gendered language. Pronouns aren’t the only important aspects of gendered language. Some examples of regularly used gendered language include “Good Morning, ladies!” or “you guys”. Even using phrases we may think are more inclusive like “ladies and gentlemen” can be problematic. It’s important to be conscious of language and the assumptions we are making based on that language. Often the language we think is inclusive isn’t, due to the fact that it doesn’t include anyone who falls outside of the binary. Here are some examples of more gender-inclusive language:
Other Important Things to Note About Gender Gender and pronoun use is an important part of being a good trans ally. Here are some other things that may come up as you learn about gender identity and appropriate pronoun use so you can avoid some simple mistakes.
Final Thoughts Learning to be more gender-inclusive can feel daunting because it seems like there’s so much to learn. And for many, the learning process must begin with unlearning ideas about gender and the gender binary. But using the correct name and pronouns is a huge part of being a good trans ally and can make a huge difference in trans peoples lives. So, it’s important to educate yourself and continue to practice with inclusive language. I hope now that you know how to use pronouns correctly, doing so isn’t as scary or as challenging as you originally thought. All it really takes is good intentions and breaking down your assumptions about gender. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
After being happily divorced for 35 years, I met a man my age (I’m 65) who is also divorced. We’ve been dating for almost 2 years now and I think I’m in love. The problem? He has a very good female friend that he’s known for decades. She’s also divorced and they have never been anything more than friends. Strangely, she has made it clear to him and to me that she hates the idea of me being in his life. She is very dependent on him to help her at home, which I don’t object to. But he does spend far too much time with her when he’s not helping with the chores. While I don’t suspect him of infidelity, I’m beginning to think he has more complex feelings for her than he’s let on. At this age, am I just being petty and suspicious? The answer: Our emotional reactions serve as a temperature gauge of how we feel about circumstances in our lives. When they’re positive, our emotions help validate that things are as we wish them to be; when negative or distressing, they give us a sign that something important to us is being threatened in some capacity. It’s important to pay attention to what you perceive to be potentially threatened, then (importantly) ask yourself: Is your reaction accurate and valid given the situation? Jealousy is one of the most toxic emotions we can experience. It often has a very intense, almost obsessive flavour to it. Feelings of jealousy are most commonly triggered when we have the perception that we will lose someone or something that we are strongly attached to. Anxiety, fear and insecurity are often associated emotions. It can be hard to shake jealousy, and once we are sucked into its vacuum, we tend to – often disproportionately – view behaviours of others as being evidence that supports our belief. You certainly aren’t being petty: Your emotions relate to a relationship in your life that is clearly an important one. Whether or not you are being suspicious depends on whether your interpretations (“She hates the idea of me being in his life,” or, “He has more complex feelings for her than he’s let on”) are accurate, or whether they are misinterpretations of an otherwise benign relationship. You need to have an open and honest conversation with your partner. Approach the conversation in a non-accusatory manner. If you jump into it already thinking he is guilty of something inappropriate, you will shut down the lines of communication quickly. Let him know that you trust him and don’t suspect he has been unfaithful. Ask him to describe his feelings for his friend (without making assumptions). Convey how you feel about the situation and listen. It may be that he has very little sense of how his relationship with his long-time friend has been affecting you. Ultimately, the two of you need to come to some agreements. You need to have respect for a friendship that has been in his life for decades before you entered it, and he needs to set some parameters with his female friend that demonstrate respect for you. For example, he can tell her that he is unwilling to tolerate any negative or disparaging comments about your relationship. Don’t forget that she has been in his life for a very long time. If he wanted a relationship with her, he likely would have long before you came into his life. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I have a close friend I’ve known for 20 years who still can’t control her temper. Once or twice a year she completely loses it – yelling, screaming at me, an adult version of what you expect from a four-year-old’s tantrum. Later she’s ashamed and mortified. What can she do? What can I do? The answer: No matter how hard we wish, we simply do not have the ability to change other people. The only person we have control over is ourselves, and that alone can be difficult to do even in the best of times. So, there are only two things you can do: Monitor – and, more importantly, modify – your responses to your friend’s tantrums, and offer to support her if she wants to make changes. One of two things usually explains the presence of longstanding, ingrained behaviours that have lasted decades; the most likely situation is that your friend’s intermittent outbursts are working for her. Ostensibly, they allow her to communicate her distress to those around her. Likely, her outbursts have the actual effect of modifying the behaviours of those in her environment. But unfortunately, the negative consequences (feeling shame, feeling mortified) haven’t been sufficient in motivating her to make changes to her behaviour. Another less likely, but certainly tenable, possibility is that she truly has wanted to change, but hasn’t found the tools she needs to do it. By tools, I mean alternate strategies to manage and cope with trigger factors, and effective ways to communicate how she is feeling to others. Tantrum-like behaviour, for children and adults alike, is really just communication behaviour. Psychological or substance-use factors can certainly contribute (a personality disorder, or alcohol or drug use), but essentially she is making a decision to act or react in a particular way. Ask yourself: How do you respond to her behaviour? It sounds as though, at some level, you have tolerated her actions. What factors trigger her to react this way to you? What do you do (or not do) after she reacts this way? And, have you given her feedback about the impact on you? What contribution do you make to the situation, if any? I do not ask this in a blaming way, but I want to ensure that you are not engaging in similarly inappropriate behaviour toward her. Assuming that you do not play any significant role in her behaviour, you need to have a very blunt conversation with your friend. Let her know in no uncertain terms that the way she acts is unacceptable, and although you have tolerated it, you will not continue to do so. Let her know that you value her friendship and are prepared to help her develop skills that can better control her anger. Offer to help her understand what her triggers are, and seek professional help from a mental-health professional with expertise in anger-management skills. The Anger Management Sourcebook, by Glenn Schiraldi and Melissa Kerr, offers cognitive-behavioural strategies that teach people to identify personal triggers of anger – and better cope with those feelings. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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