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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
At 29, I’m what you’d call “on-paper” successful. I’m in advertising, and I’ve jumped companies more than I count, because I’m always seeking a better pay, better title. Is there anything wrong with that? I just got a promotion, but I’ve already applied at another competing agency. My friends say this is an indication of some deep level of unhappiness – what do you think? The answer: Let me ask you a simple question: do you feel happy in your life right now? The fact that you are driven and wanting to move up in your career at such a young age is not necessarily any indication of any deep-rooted level of unhappiness. Generation Y’ers such as yourself switch jobs more often than any of the generations preceding them. A big part of this is attributable to the nature of work, which has changed tremendously over the past several decades. With technological changes and the associated virtual absence of geographic limits or boundaries, job jumping is much easier due to so many options and possibilities for work than ever before. That said, your friends (and you) are both questioning whether there is anything wrong with what you are doing, so there may be more behind this than meets the eye. You say you are “on-paper” successful. How would you rate your level of success in other parts of your life, such as friendships, intimate relationships, health/fitness, personal development, religion/spirituality? Does your focus on work interfere with your ability to be able to be focused on and have other important parts of your life fulfilled? Think about what your motivations are for being so driven to seek out numerous promotions and job changes. Do you find you are easily bored if you are at one place too long? Do you feel drawn to the excitement and frenzy of moving up quickly and then going on to the next job? Is it a way to distract from other parts of your life that are important to you, but that perhaps are harder to fix? If you feel happy in your life, enjoy your career, and find that you are able to still have time to build other elements of your life that you value and that are important to you, you are in a great position. If you find that your career focus is interfering with other elements of your life that you value and that are important to you, you may need to revisit and revise the way you have been approaching your career and life. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
For the last year my son has been living with me and my current wife. He was taken away from his biological mother’s home because of physical and emotional abuse. Now my son and my wife have power struggles. Anything is a fight, even simple things like doing his chores. And it just gets worse if I try to intervene. It is hard to choose sides: my wife who I love, or my son who is my life. I can’t choose, and it’s harder and harder to have a good home. What can I do to fix this? The answer: I spent a number of years working in child protection, both with parents who perpetrated abuse, as well as with child victims and their non-abusive families. The most important thing is for you to be patient and to be unconditionally there for your son. It will take him time to adjust to a new environment, but most children will test the waters for months or even years before they trust there is consistency and stability in their new environment. And remember that you also do not have to choose sides – your wife holds a certain role in your life, and your son holds another. As you’ve seen with him, the impact of any kind of abuse – physical, sexual, verbal or emotional – can be devastating, particularly when it’s directed toward a child during their formative years. Children manifest the impacts of abuse in myriad ways. Some tend to internalize the effects and withdraw (low mood, isolation, worry, anxiety). Physical symptoms (tummy aches, headaches, generally not “feeling well”) can be common manifestations. Others tend to externalize and demonstrate mood lability – that is, up-and-down mood swings, anger, verbal (and even physical) aggression. These behaviours, particularly aggressive behaviours, serve a self-protective goal: They protect children from being hurt again. All of these behaviours have an underlying thread of emotional pain and fear. As the abuse was perpetrated by his mother, it also is very likely that your son is experiencing difficulties in trusting female caregivers. Your son has had his worldview of them shaped by his previous experiences. He has associated a mother figure with someone who inflicts hurt and harm, and they cannot be trusted to be nurturing and protective. This is all translates into rebellion against your wife’s parenting attempts. Furthermore, he may be viewing your attempts to intervene as an implicit message that you do not understand or support him. The way that you should approach this depends on where your son is at developmentally. Ensure that you are spending one-on-one time with him, and try to understand how is doing emotionally. If he is capable of verbalizing his behaviours, find out what is motivating them. Are there certain triggers (the words your wife uses, or non-verbal behaviours such as her tone or stance) that he is reacting to? What changes would make the relationship more comfortable for him? Speak to your wife separately; I assume that she is not engaging in any inappropriate behaviour. Tell her that you love her and are motivated to do what you can to improve the situation between her and your son. Pay attention to whether there are behaviours she may inadvertently be engaging in that are triggering your son. She is likely – and understandably – frustrated with your son’s behaviours and may be implicitly communicating her frustration. Ensure that she knows you are there to support her, as she may be feeling isolated and helpless. Establish age-appropriate consequences for your son’s behaviours. It is very natural to want to overcompensate for his biological mother’s past abuse by being overly lax with consequences, but children need structure and natural outcomes to behaviours both good and bad. Contact the child protection agency that has been involved with your son to see if counselling supports are available for him – and also importantly, for your family. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dominic Brennan, RCC  Everyday personal and workplace stress. The choice is yours!
I was wondering the other day if my everyday personal and workplace stress could talk to me, what it would say? But I guess, if I’m under stress, I wouldn’t take the time to listen. I’m a closed system, I’m a man and I’m probably the victim here! It’s got nothing to do with me! If only everyone knew what I was going through! I’m smart and I have got it together, they don’t! That’s how we mostly cope with stress, I guess, and it gets us through but at a cost, sometimes a very high cost. It wrecks our work, our personal life and ultimately our own health and well-being. It can even be fatal or lead to incarceration by doing something we regret. The stress emotions take over. It happens every day, globally and it’s not culture-bound. Hello and welcome to my first blog. My name is Dominic Brennan and I am a Registered Clinical Counsellor with Dr. Joti Samra, R.Psych & Associates. I’m hoping I can connect with men through my blogs. With this quick read, I aim to bring awareness to various issues men face. My Experience with Stress Myself, having risen through the corporate ranks to senior positions, where I was in charge of thousands of employees and managing billions of dollars worth of assets, I experienced a lot of workplace-related stress. Then I switched careers into mental health and wellness, and that along with a cross-culture marriage and raising two children motivates me to work with men on issues surrounding mental health and wellness. I feel it’s the time to support men on their journey, as, without mentors, coaches, and the willingness to listen, I would not be where I am today. Not without stress, but managing it so that it works for me in a healthy way. Let’s go back to the first thought about what my stress would say if it could talk to me. Dominic, if only they knew what I was going through! Why can’t they think like me! They have no idea what they’re talking about! Look at them! I need to show how good I am! It’s my bosses that have no idea what they are talking about! Our clients are so unreasonable! My partner has no idea what I am doing for the family and our well-being! The kids and pets need too much from me sometimes! I wish my mates thought like me! I don’t need to talk to anyone about my issues as I’m fine! I can teach them a thing or two! What a bunch of cowards and weaklings they are! The list could probably go on. I’m sure I have missed many (unhelpful) self-talks! The Impacts of Stress When stress talks to us in these ways, it’s dominating and controlling us. Most of the negative things happening in our life can be underlined with the word stress. This type of stress, particularly when it’s ongoing, can lead to; angry outbursts and being argumentative, alcohol/ drug misuse, excessive worry and/or anxiety, overeating or undereating, disturbed sleep or insomnia, broken relationships at home and at work, physical pain, health conditions such as heart disease and cancer, and overall poor quality of life. This can lead to eternal unhappiness, grumpiness and resentment! When overly stressed and not managing it effectively we may get nasty; we get mad at things regardless of how small, we miss golden opportunities of career growth, miss the opportunity of having a loving relationship and family. As a result, we live with the hope that other people will see things the way we do which leads to huge amounts of frustration and banging our heads against the wall. Phew! That even stresses me out to think about. Time for a drink perhaps?!!! (Just kidding: of note, alcohol is not an effective coping response and often creates more issues than it solves.) Managing Personal and Workplace Stress Well, what can we do about it? The first thing is to go back to the first question raised. What would stress say to me and then ask what is stress doing in my life? For most of us, stress is having all the negative impacts on us mentioned above. It not only negatively impacts our mental wellness but our physical health as well. What we need is the skills to more effectively manage our stress as well as the opportunities to discuss our feelings. For us men, we often don’t want to hear from anyone that we need counselling, not from a loved one or from company human resources. We don’t want to hear that we need to talk to someone about our anxiety and/or stress or that we have to seek anger management support, mandated, or not. We have it together, we believe. And again, we are back to the closed system, that many men seem to be. Where do we men go from here? To be stress free! I feel most of the time counselling isn’t the right word for issues men face. Generally, I feel men simply need an open ear to process what’s going on in their lives. While also learning to let the person give food for thought, provide potential solutions and options for consideration, and perhaps some cognitive restructuring (that must be from a professional by the way). Opening up about challenges in our lives helps men manage their stress and reduce it to a level that doesn’t hurt us or those around us but rather lifts us up, and motivates us to see another way of doing things. Positives Associated with Opening Up The few men that aren’t closed systems, either naturally or have had the right support, tend to be leaders at work and in their families. They’re generally mentally healthy and resilient, they lift others up, they’re able to discuss experiences and roadblocks, they’re able to receive feedback, and find solutions from others about how to become what they want to become and be in a position of acceptance. Yes, we can live in the present and not be overly stressed about what’s happened in the past or what may happen in the future. Yes, we can get on with everyone if we want to and know how to. Some seem to have it all together naturally, and yet they still seek mentorship, feedback, coaching and support on their journey to keep them on track. Their success is a direct result of this support (they didn’t do it alone). We can all be more stress-free if we become less of a closed system and allow the spirit of “It’s Good to Talk!” into our lives. Final Thoughts Stress is a natural part of our lives both at home and at work. While a small amount of stress can be motivating, when we don’t effectively manage our stress or talk about our challenges, it can easily become overwhelming and damaging in our lives. For men, counselling may not be the most effective word when it comes to dealing with stress and other challenges they face but opening up can make a significant difference in all of our lives. The right professional is there to help you see there are choices on how we live our lives and if you’re interested in changing, they can help you make that change. The choice is yours! By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I have a really hard time saying no to people but realize it’s time to be more assertive. Are there specific strategies to help me do this? The answer: Assertiveness – being able to respectfully communicate your ideas, feelings and needs, while at the same time balancing the needs of others – is often easier in theory than in actuality. Assertive behaviour is quite different from passive behaviour (not standing up for your rights, or not expressing your needs and feelings) and aggressive behaviour (pushing for your own needs at the expense of others, or not allowing others to express their needs). What makes it so hard to be assertive? Our upbringing, values and personality all play a role. If you grew up in a home where you were not permitted to express your needs, or if those requests were met with an aggressive, dominating or abusive response, chances are over time you learned to quiet your own voice. If you place strong value on “maintaining the peace” when it comes to relationships, you may (incorrectly) view an expression of your needs as being incompatible to that end goal. Or, if you are shy and introverted, it may be hard for you to voice your desires in interpersonal situations. Societal stereotypes and cultural expectations also factor in – for example, women often have a harder time being assertive in some situations than men, and individuals from certain backgrounds, such as Asian cultures, may be taught that being assertive is a non-desirable trait. What you need to keep in mind is that assertive behaviour is fundamentally respectful behaviour – it balances your rights with the rights of others, without putting one above the other. People often feel better about themselves when they are assertive, and others will demonstrate more respect for the person too. And remember, being assertive is not incompatible with being kind or empathetic. Here are five tips on how to build your assertiveness and learn to say no: 1. Identify the situations in which you would like to be more assertive. Being able to anticipate the scenarios where you would like to change your behaviour is the first step. 2. Identify your personal barriers. Think about the reasons it is hard for you to say no, and ask yourself if those assumptions are valid and accurate. Challenging the thoughts that interfere with your ability to say no can help you move forward; for example, if you believe that saying no makes you difficult to get along with, ask yourself if that is really true, and find other pieces of evidence that are incompatible with that belief. 3. Specifically articulate what you would like to say and think about why that is important to you. One of the hardest things about saying no is that “no” alone doesn’t capture the spirit of why you need to be assertive, and it can sometimes come across as rude. So, if you have made plans with a friend to see a show on Sunday night, rather than just saying “no,” add in the reason: “I’d love to see you, but I’m going to have to decline. I’ve realized I really need to get a decent night’s sleep before the work week starts, otherwise I’m wrecked for the day! How does the Tuesday early show work?” 4. Get feedback from a trusted friend. Receiving an objective opinion on how you want to communicate your needs can help you reshape your words/messaging if needed. Ask for feedback your words, tone and posturing. Non-verbal communication is hands down the most important part of how we communicate. 5. Practice, practice, practice! Visualize yourself saying no, practice in front of the mirror, and try it out in neutral situations that have a low risk for harm (with wait staff at a restaurant, a sales clerk at a store). Practice makes perfect, and part of the challenge is just becoming comfortable saying words that may feel unfamiliar to you. Then, go for it. Try saying no in situations that matter to you – you will probably learn very quickly that the sky will not fall down once you begin asserting your needs. The only qualification is that if you have taken a very passive role in certain relationships, it may take others a little bit of getting used to the new you. Note: If you are in any abusive relationship, assertive behaviour may not be sufficient to protect yourself. In this situation, seek out professional help and advice on how to proceed. |
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