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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My 22-year-old son is dating a girl who his highly dependent on him. He struggles on and off with a marijuana addiction and is trying to get back on his feet. She is seeking therapy for a variety of reasons herself. How do I persuade them that it’s healthier to take some time apart so that they can first sort their own lives out individually. The answer: Find me a land where a parent can convince a 22-year-old of anything – particularly when it comes to their dating life – and then I’ll talk to you about a bridge I’ve got to sell … In all seriousness, you need to first and foremost revise the intended outcome you are wishing for when it comes to talking to your son. You cannot, and will not be able to convince him to do something he doesn’t want to do. If you approach him with a particular agenda front and centre in your mind, you – and most likely he – will both get frustrated, and you may push him further away. As a parent of a young adult, your role is quite simple: to provide love and support, to guide as best as you can, and to be there for him when he falls. I can certainly understand your desire for him to take some time away from his girlfriend who sounds troubled herself so that he can focus on getting himself better. As an objective party, you probably see the relationship as an added stressor to his life. But, you need to bite your tongue on this one. What you need to focus on is providing support and guidance around ways that he can work to get back on his feet. Does he recognize his addiction issues? Has he sought treatment – not only for his use of marijuana, but for the likely depression or anxiety issues that may be accompanying his reliance on the substance? It is clear from the addiction literature that more often than not, addiction issues are masking other more significant underlying emotional issues. Try to speak to him about those issues (if he’s willing to share with you), or guide him toward existing resources in the community. Educating yourself is also important. The Canadian Mental Health Association has national and local offices across the country, and can offer you referrals and resources that may assist. Here to Help is a fantastic website that offers a range of information, including materials for family members who are struggling with knowing how to support a loved one who is dealing with a substance use or mental health issue. If you work on educating yourself and support him in his own recovery, he will probably gain clarity as he gets better and start to make better personal and life decisions for himself. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Edgar Watson Howe says, “there is only one thing people like that is good for them; a good night’s sleep.” Sleep plays a vital role in our health. We need it to survive – the same way we need water, oxygen, and food. Yet, about one-third of working adults struggle with chronic sleep difficulties.
Effects of a good (and bad) sleep After a long and restful sleep, we wake up feeling energized. Our mood is positive, we’re focused and attentive, and we’re generally more resilient against day-to-day stressors. But when we are lacking in sleep, we’re more likely to feel irritable, annoyed, experience changes in appetite, and be much more distracted. One of the most common sleep problems is insomnia, which is characterized by difficulty falling asleep, not being able to stay asleep, and/or early-morning awakenings. The most effective treatment for insomnia is cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT). CBT is an evidence-based treatment approach that focuses on changing behavioural patterns, thoughts, and worries – including worries about sleep. Aside from scheduling an appointment with your therapist or learning a few CBT techniques on your own, what can we do to sleep better? Discover the root cause of poor sleep Before implementing tips to enhance your sleep hygiene, it’s important to consider if there are any confounding variables that may be contributing. 1. Are any physical conditions or factors, including medication side effects, playing a role? If you aren’t sure about underlying health conditions or if your medication is affecting your sleep, book an appointment to speak with your medical doctor. 2. Do you find yourself excessively worrying or ruminating before bed? A certain amount of stress and anxiety is a normal part of life, but also one of the strongest factors that influence sleep. If you find yourself excessively thinking or ruminating at night, and that’s preventing you from sleeping, it can be helpful to keep a worry log. To do this, write down all the potential worries that may keep you up at night. Recording these an hour or two before bed can serve a preventative role. If, once in bed, you still find yourself worrying, get out of bed, write down your concerns, and ask yourself three key questions:
3. Are you unsure of what is keeping you up at night? If you are having trouble identifying the root of your sleep problems, keep a diary for one to two weeks. Track your diet, work, and leisure activities, and level of stress and sleep/wake times. This can help identify patterns and factors that are affecting sleep that you may not otherwise be aware of. 10 ways to improve your sleep hygiene Once you have done the above, it’s time to implement good sleep hygiene principles. Here are 10 tips to help you sleep better, more often.
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My mother-in-law is hypercritical of my husband in front of us both. My husband is understandably upset by this and I have to admit it’s starting to get to me as well. Is it in my place to say something? Or does it need to come from him? The answer: Being unfairly criticized by anyone (a boss, a partner, a friend) is upsetting no matter what the circumstances. Throw into the mix being an adult child who is being criticized in front of his partner, and you have a situation that will, not surprisingly, trigger a range of negative emotions, including embarrassment, shame, sadness and anger. In-law relationships can be one of the most sensitive relationships to navigate around. No matter how close you are with your in-laws, the reality is most people need to approach potential difficulties with their partner’s family even more gently than they would with their own. Recognizing that your mother-in-law is being hypercritical is an important first step. If you haven’t already done so, let your husband know you are aware that her behaviour is unfair and inappropriate, and that it upsets you. You may want to tell him that you can understand how uncomfortable it may make him feel, and reassure him that your opinion of him is not affected in any way by what she says. Encourage and support your husband to talk directly to his mother. You may want to try to understand what gets in the way of him expressing to her how hurtful her behaviour is. Is he worried he may hurt her feelings? Has he just tolerated her behaviour most of his life? Is he not sure what exactly to say to her? You could help your husband brainstorm ways to address his mother’s behaviour toward him (ideally without you present, as this may make it more likely that she is responsive to his feedback). If your husband finds it difficult (or ineffective) to talk to his mother, you may want to (only with your husband’s permission) have a one-on-one conversation with her, explaining to her how upsetting her behaviour is to him. Finally, if despite both of your best efforts her behaviour isn’t changing (which it may not) you could try to minimize her comments. When she starts to criticize your husband, try changing the topic (you may try this gently, or be more blatant about it if her criticisms are highly inappropriate). Or, counterbalance what she is saying with positive things about your husband – so if she is criticizing his parenting behaviour, you could give examples of how he is a wonderful father. Dr. John Gottman’s The Relationship Cure is an excellent book that provides useful strategies to repair and strengthen a range of relationships in our lives. The book helps us understand the unhelpful patterns that we can get into in our important relationships, and provides useful strategies for approaching our key relationships in helpful ways. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My four-year-old categorically ignores me. I think my requests are age-appropriate: put your shoes on, wash your hands etc. I’ve tried explaining that if we don’t get these things done we can’t do the fun things such as going to the park. I had expected this behaviour might occur when he grew older, but at the age of four he already seems so distant from me. I hate that these beautiful sunny days are being spent battling over putting on shoes on rather than playing together. What can I do? The answer: Dealing with a defiant toddler can be challenging and frustrating, not to mention time-consuming. Intervening at this young age is great, as it can help to set some behavioural patterns and expectations that will continue as he gets older. The requests you are describing are age-appropriate (assuming that he is within normal developmental milestones). Keep in mind that a child’s behaviour is dependent upon a complex interplay of a few key factors: – Temperament/personality: certain kids are simply more compliant, easygoing and easier to parent – Developmental/emotional issues: children that are delayed developmentally for a range of issues or that are dealing with clinically significant emotional issues tend to display more behavioural difficulties (speak to a pediatrician or child psychologist if you have any concerns that there are any out of the ordinary health issues that may be contributing) – Behavioural expectations: this involves both the manner in which requests are made, as well as the rewards and consequences provided for behaviour that is consistent or inconsistent with those requests As a parent, the area of behavioural expectations is the one that you have most control over. Here are a few tips: – Take note of times and situations where your son is more likely to pay attention; you may notice some patterns in the factors that are more likely to lead to him listening to and complying with a request. Then, try to emulate those factors whenever possible. – When making requests, ensure that his attention is focused on you and that there are minimal distractions (i.e., no other children around, TV or radio is off, no toys in his hand). When making a request, be aware of your non-verbal behaviours (position yourself so you are facing your son eye-to-eye; make the request in a soft, gentle tone; remain calm and encouraging) and repeat the request if necessary. – Ask him to repeat your request (to ensure comprehension) – Reward him when behaviour is consistent with what you requested. Avoid rewards such as food or candy; the best reinforcers are interpersonal reinforcers (i.e., giving him a hug, smiling, thanking him, telling him you are proud of him). – Ensure there is a consequence when he is not compliant. Verbalize why the consequence is being given in a calm voice, and then provide a consequence. Consequences can involve taking a toy away, not engaging in something he finds enjoyable (e.g., going to the park), or expressing some verbal or nonverbal disapproval. Avoiding communicating frustration or anger. Contrary to popular belief, punishment is not the most effective behavioural strategy and can lead to a number of other negative sequelae. Be mindful of not inadvertently providing positive reinforcement at the same time you are providing a consequence (e.g., do not smile while providing a consequence). – Consistency is absolutely key. Ensure that you are as consistent as you possibly can be with rewards and consequences. This is essential, particularly in the early stages of trying to shape or modify certain behavioural patterns. It can be very difficult to do, particularly when parents are faced with multiple competing demands and when the consequences (e.g., not going to play outside in nice weather) also negatively impacts you. However, consistency is perhaps the single most important factor under your control, and has a significant impact on shaping children’s behavioural patterns. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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