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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I recently have had a string of deaths in the family, all from cancer. Now I stress out about every little bump on my body. I’ve been to the doctors, who say I’m fine, but I’m still anxious all the time. What can I do to not feel crazy? The answer: My sincere condolences on the deaths in your family. I’ve had multiple family members deal with cancer diagnoses, some at a very young age, and can personally appreciate the significant emotional toll it takes on everyone, including close family and friends. To be feeling stressed and worried about your health is very normal given the circumstances. Our emotions – positive and negative – all serve a purpose. They provide us with validation about things that are important to us, they motivate us toward action, and they communicate things to people around us. In your case, your anxiety is providing your brain and body a few messages: First, cancer is a reality that could affect anyone. And secondly, there is value in being attentive to your health, and obtaining a professional opinion on risks or concerns you may have. Your worry is also helping to communicate to your loved ones – from whom you may need support – that you are feeling sad about those you’ve lost and that you have concerns about your own health and possible mortality. In all cases, there is a shelf life on the value our worry has. Worry (or any other negative emotion) is helpful insofar as it serves a useful function. It sounds as though you are recognizing that you are past a stage that is helpful. You have sought medical advice, which I will assume has included a comprehensive medical checkup from a physician you trust, and had your concerns allayed. To be in a state where you are overly stressing or ruminating about any minor change or bump even when you have been told there is nothing to be concerned about is clearly not serving a useful role, and it is impacting your quality of life. Once worry starts, it can easily grow exponentially simply being fed by our (often unrealistic) thoughts. So, it’s important to actively work on challenging your thoughts and making them more realistic. Ask yourself (and write down) the answers to the following key questions when you find yourself getting caught in a state of worry:
I’ve co-authored a book that you can download for free titled Positive Coping with Health Conditions. It offers useful, evidence-based chapters on relaxation strategies, managing worry, and managing depressive thinking (which can often be a side effect of worry). These chapters offer cognitive and behavioural strategies that have been proven to reduce worry. Another great book is Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think, by Drs. Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m in my late 20s and have been married for close to two years. About 6 months ago, my in-laws decided to downsize and bought a townhouse on our street. While I respect and care for my husband’s family, I don’t appreciate living so close to his parents. I don’t feel like we have the same privacy any more. They show up unannounced and my husband is always visiting there. No one seems to think it’s an issue but me. How can I make this living situation work without building resentment? Or is it time for us to move? The answer: Uh oh, sounds like a case of too close for comfort is brewing. Navigating the waters with family – particularly in-laws – requires a tremendous amount of patience, tact and compromise. It is good that you are recognizing the potential for issues early on, before they have a detrimental impact on your relationship with your husband and his parents. There used to be a time when extended families, or living in close proximity to one another was the norm. This has shifted dramatically for a range of societal reasons. There are certainly benefits to having family live close by, such as having social supports nearby, being able to stay connected and foster a closer relationship, and being able to mutually support each other (e.g., as parents age, or if you and your husband have children). There is also, as you are recognizing, the potential for things to go awry, such as the invasion of your privacy and independent space, perhaps unrealistic expectations on everyone’s end of how much contact there should be, and a reduction in the one-to-one quality time you and your husband spend together. This can lead to frustration, resentment, and anger. You need to start by having an open conversation with your husband, being respectful and sensitive to the fact that these are his parents. Ask him how he feels about how things are going with the new living arrangement (he may surprise you by also feeling torn about how to deal with the proximity). Let him know what your concerns are. Start by emphasizing that you have two important goals: one, that you and he continue to have a strong and happy relationship with his parents; and two, that you want to ensure you and he – as your own family unit – continue to thrive as a couple and don’t have unnecessary conflict over family. Be mindful of focusing on the positives that there inevitably are of having them close by, as I suspect it is not all negative. I would suggest giving it a fair go of continuing to live where you do, but establishing some clear boundaries. Try to articulate what you specifically want. For example, rather than saying to your husband “I don’t want you going over there every other night” say, “I’d like you and I to have dinner together on weekdays so that we can catch up and spend time together.” If your in-laws drop by unexpectedly, you could say, “we love seeing you, but we’d really appreciate if you could call first just to make sure we are free to visit and not in the middle of something.” If subtle attempts to shift expectations don’t work, then your husband is the one who needs to have a more direct conversation with his family about setting the parameters for behaviour. If you start that discussion, there is the high likelihood you will be viewed as the “bad guy.” Be patient and give it a period of about six months to see if things get better. If not, then you may need to have discussions with your husband about whether moving is logistically the best option to maintain the overall happiness of everyone in your family. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Having a baby can be one of the happiest moments in a person’s life … yet it’s also high on the list of most stressful life events.
Most women experience myriad emotions after giving birth – excitement, happiness, elation and joy. In addition to the usual (expected) positive emotions, many women also experience low or sad mood, tearfulness, frustration or a sense of emptiness. These negative emotions are often a surprising reaction to what most feel should be a unilaterally happy event. This experience, however, is extremely common. As many as 75% of moms will experience the “baby blues,” which in addition to low mood can also include a general feeling of flatness or emptiness. Unfortunately, however, many feel a sense of shame in terms of talking about these negative emotions. What causes the baby blues? There are a number of factors that contribute to the baby blues:
But, what are some things new mothers can do to help lift their mood following childbirth? Managing Negative Emotions Following Childbirth Here are five tips for managing negative emotions following childbirth:
When should mothers get further support? If a new mother is persistently feeling low, flat or empty for more than a month, they may benefit from seeking professional assistance. About one in 10 women will develop clinical levels of depression that are important to treat early on. Here are some questions a new mother can ask herself to determine whether or not she needs the extra support:
If at any point you feel you are at risk to harm yourself or your baby, immediately seek help and call 911. Remember it is normal to feel low or have negative emotions after child birth, and it’s good to talk about it. It always helps to get support early. Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My teenage daughter is always late, and it drives me crazy. She’s not a bad kid at all. But the moment I ask her what time she’ll be home, what time I can pick her up, what time she’ll be ready for dinner, she is never on time. The added frustration is that she’s not late by hours or anything – more like 20 to 30 minutes. So she always chalks it up as no big deal. Why can’t she see how wrong it is to be late? What can I do? The answer: As human beings, we are pretty simple creatures – much of our behaviour is driven by the consequences that follow. We continue to do things that feel good and are followed by positive outcomes (positive reinforcement), or the removal of a negative outcome such as nagging (negative reinforcement). Conversely, we tend to gravitate away from things that are followed by negative consequences (punishment) or when something that was previously reinforcing is removed altogether (extinction). Of all of the reinforcement schedules, positive reinforcement is the most powerful and, contrary to popular belief, punishment is the most problematic. It can lead to other negative responses such as resentment or anger, particularly when it relates to parenting. Not surprisingly, consequences that immediately follow behaviours (short-term consequences) tend to be more powerful predictors of behaviour than those that are delayed by hours, days or years (long-term consequences) – particularly for kids and adolescents, where the ability to delay gratification is still being developed. The issue you are faced with is not how to convince your daughter that her behaviour is wrong – after all, “wrong” places a judgmental value on a behaviour that, as you have said yourself, is not bad so much as it is frustrating. And – as anyone with a teen can attest – you can try to talk, talk, talk all you want to convince your teen that you are right, but that and a toonie may only get you a cup of coffee on a good day. What you need to do is ask yourself how you are reinforcing her behaviour. And then stop. Immediately. Put yourself in your daughter’s shoes for a moment. If you were her, and you were picked up on time, dinner was ready and waiting, and not a moment of your precious teenage time was spent waiting around for the parental chauffeur-chef, what motivation would you have to change? For the next month, do the following: Since she is consistently 20 to 30 minutes late, don’t show up for at least 35 to 45 minutes after she had requested a pick-up (assuming, of course, none of these are safety-sensitive situations, such as a late-night party). If she provides a time for dinner and doesn’t show up, put away her food when she is late, so that she can warm it up on her own when she gets home. Be consistent in your behaviour, and execute it with a smile on your face. It likely won’t take too long before she realizes waiting around may be a bigger deal than she thought. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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