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By Dominic Brennan, RCC  My Anger and My Frustrations:
When we are frustrated at something or someone, we may get angry if we don’t know how to deal with it. But also, when we are angry at something or someone, the after-feeling can often be frustrating, particularly that we’ve let anger take over and it’s happened again. So frustrating! Then, we may get angry at ourselves again for letting that happen. So, we get angry when we’re frustrated, and get frustrated when we get angry. Confusing isn’t it? It’s definitely a loop. If we don’t deal with one issue, anger or frustration, then it’s highly unlikely we can deal with the other. And if we don’t deal with either, it can lead to depression; which can present as anger turned inwards at ourselves. If we don’t deal with anger and frustration it can lead to; depression, broken relationships, getting fired, regretting, resentment, getting into trouble, upsetting those close to us, damaging those who look at us as role models, and so the list goes… Anger and Masculinity There are numerous ups and downs in our life that may frustrate us and make us angry. Generally, if a man wants to appear powerful and masculine we may feel we want to show anger, as we don’t want to appear weak. That’s frustrating right?! On the other hand, frustration is often coming from a place of uncertainty, insecurity and when we sense our (or someone else’s) inability to fulfil our needs, which can be very frustrating. That’s a reason to be angry right?! There is a lot of talk surrounding the fact that anger and frustration are normal emotions, which in principle I have to agree with. However, when we really talk of anger and frustration it’s important to talk about the impact it has on ourselves and those around us. What we should do is normalize it to a point that it does not hurt us or those around us but instead, opens doors for a new way of communicating and being assertive. It’s also worth pointing out that anger and frustration do have a negative effect on our body. A raised heart rate and then negative energy can all lead to physiological issues with our health. Is it worth it? No, it’s not – believe me! Managing Anger and Frustration So, we can start by reminding ourselves there is nothing wrong with anger and frustration, as it’s a normal part of our emotional experience. However, there is a healthy way and an unhealthy way to deal with these emotions. A good place to start is understanding where our frustrations and anger typically arise. Uncovering your reasons for AngerAs we unpack our emotions, let’s look at what would be some general issues and examples of things that may make us angry or frustrated. I need to perform a certain way. Why can’t they do it this way? They have no idea what I am talking about? I’m being threatened! Look at the way they work? I’m not heard and my point of view is never taken seriously or listened to! I told them before! There’s no intimacy between us! Those demands are unrealistic! I’m never allowed time for myself! That’s not fair! I didn’t deserve that! I’m being targeted! Can’t they see what I’m contributing! I never get recognized for what I do! I need to stand up for myself and show them I’m a man and who is the boss! I’m doing more than others! They have no right! I’m stressed! There are plenty more examples that can be added here for sure and it is a good exercise for you to do so. What’s on your list? One way to start the process of uncovering your reasons for anger and frustration is by identifying what you feel is wrong. The list is the beginning of understanding the triggers for your anger and frustration. Managing Triggers Knowing the things that typically trigger your anger response can help you to identify them early and prevent the development of anger as a result of the trigger. So, once you know your triggers it’s important to learn to recognize these early on so you can take action and engage your coping skills. There are many different coping skills that can help to manage your triggers and a therapist can be helpful in helping you to identify the tools that are most effective for you. I love to think about it in terms of do I react or do I respond. A reaction is something that is almost immediate and without thought. Reacting can often get us in trouble. Responding on the other hand takes a little more time, and unless we find ourselves in a dangerous situation where reacting will save our life (fight or flight response), responding is the more appropriate technique to engage. How to respond effectively In order to respond effectively, we may need to take a step back in order to approach the situation more calmly and rationally. This could involve taking a moment to practice mindfulness and do some deep breathing. Or it could involve having a diversion or distraction to buy ourselves time to come back to the situation in a calmer state. For me, every time I get angry with my partner, or situation at home, I take my dog for a walk and practice deep breathing along the journey as I capture my thoughts and plan my response. It’s good to plan timeouts and diversions in advance with those at home so they know we are safe and just taking time away to cool off. After we have engaged in one of these practices and are feeling calmer, we can return to the issue that was causing us anger or frustration. Plan to return to the issue in 30 minutes to an hour, as important issues must never be ignored. When returning to the issue it is time to be rational, respect everyone’s boundaries, and be assertive in our communication – these are also skills we can practice with a counsellor. Final Thoughts Dealing with triggers is just one of the coping skills you can learn. Learning about dealing with emotions, developing a set of anger management skills, practicing assertive communication, stress exploration, and challenging our thoughts along the way can all be helpful to manage our anger and help us to become more effective communicators. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  As it becomes more common and easier to talk about mental health-related issues, more and more people are seeking support from mental health professionals. However, many people are still uncertain or wary of the process and are unsure about whether or not therapy will work for them.
At the risk of sounding biased, I firmly believe we can all benefit from the support, perspective, and guidance of an objective, competent, and specialized professional for various issues at different points in our lives. This is true for any area of life with which we are struggling – physical health (physician), our taxes (accountant), selling a home (realtor), or our emotional health (psychologist/clinical counsellor). Research indicates that individuals with the most common types of psychological concerns (i.e., uncomplicated depression, anxiety, and relationship difficulties) experience significant benefit after an average of 12 to 16 treatment sessions. Individuals with more complicated histories or concerns (such as childhood history of trauma or chronic suicidality) experience benefit with about 24 sessions. But, what if you’ve already started therapy and are feeling like it isn’t working for you? It is wise to pay attention to the feeling you have that your current therapy is not helping, as that is giving you an important message that you need to do something different. The beneficial impact of therapy is dependent on a number of important factors. Here are a few things to consider: 1. The professional relationship As with any other relationship with a professional, a good fit between you and the service provider is important. Even more so with a therapist/client relationship, given that people are exposing themselves emotionally and are addressing issues such as fears, insecurities, and other core vulnerabilities. Things to keep in mind when assessing fit with a psychologist or other mental health professional are their approach, style, and personality. 2. Consider the issues you came to therapy to address Some practitioners have specialized areas of focus in terms of the types of clients and treatment modalities they use, whereas others are more general. Consider why you came to therapy and find out if the therapist you are seeing has expertise in dealing with your specific issues. 3. Competence levels In every single profession, individuals range in terms of their competence levels. Ensure the psychologist is up to date on advances in treatment approaches and takes an evidence-based treatment approach (which means providing treatment techniques that research has shown are effective). Ask the psychologist directly about the types of treatment approaches they use and the rationale for them. 4. Communicate your feelings about treatment to the psychologist A good psychologist will not get defensive, and will openly address your frustration with the lack of progress. They should suggest a different treatment approach, or suggest an alternate type of treatment and/or alternate professional. If, after considering the above, you feel that there are still no shifts or improvements, I would suggest seeking out a different provider, rather than giving up on therapy – as the research is very clear: therapy works! Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of a Globe and Mail “Ask the Psychologist” column authored by Dr. Samra, and has been edited and updated. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’ve been divorced for a few years and have two children, 10 and 8. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about a year and half. I want to introduce my children to her, but I’m unsure if it’s too soon. My girlfriend wants to meet them as well and is very supportive. But I fear putting them in an uncomfortable emotional state, if perhaps something doesn’t work out or they struggle with the new person in my life. What should I do? The answer: It is extremely difficult for many people to gauge just what the right timing is for introducing a new partner into the lives of their children. Concern about distressing your kids, worry about their reaction and acceptance, and the uncertainty of your future with your partner are all very common, natural and valid concerns. But, here’s the bottom line: there is never going to be the perfect time to take this pivotal step. There are, however, multiple considerations for you to be mindful of before you proceed: how serious your relationship with your girlfriend is and whether you picture her in your future; the willingness, interest and expectations she has about being a part of your children’s lives; and the developmental and emotional state of your children. A year and a half is a pretty substantial period of time to be together. Ask yourself candidly where you see the relationship going – are you in love with her? Do you picture her in your foreseeable future? And most importantly do the two of you have shared values when it comes to the big ticket items – love, respect, kindness, fidelity? Her willingness and support when it comes to meeting your children is a positive sign. If you haven’t already, be sure that you have a discussion with her about your worries. Ask her what her expectations are for the role she wants in their lives. Does this match up with what you desire? Are there any hurdles you anticipate when it comes to your children’s biological mother’s acceptance of your girlfriend, and if so are you in a position to have a respectful, helpful conversation with your ex about how she feels about this next step? Are you able to enlist her support in speaking to your kids (if this is at all possible, it can be extremely helpful). There’s no perfect age for kids to be introduced to a new partner. Most children – kids, teens, and adults alike – are likely to have some mixed and negative feelings about the introduction of a new partner. The best thing you can do is prepare your children and given them some amount of control over the process. For all of us, having some element of control (even just perceived control) and predictability over potentially upsetting events helps us cope better. Let them know you have someone important in your life that you would like them to meet. Follow their lead with questions – and answer as honestly as you can (Is she your girlfriend? How long have you known her? Is she going to live with us?). Then let your children know you would like them to meet her. Be careful to not place them in the position of making a decision about whether or not they want to meet her (as that would place an undue burden on them) but where and when would work (“would you like her to come to our house for dinner one day, or would you like to meet her at the park?”). Reassure them that it’s ok if they feel confused about her being in your life. Make sure that throughout the process, you communicate two key messages: that your love for them will not in any way be impacted, and that your girlfriend will not take the place of their mother. Keep in mind that there is never any certainty about the future of any relationship, that your children will probably be upset for some period of time but they will adjust, and that you have a right to move forward in your personal life as well. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Vanessa Rouzier, RCC  Mindfulness can be defined as the action to observe what is happening while it is happening, in a non-judgmental and non-reactive way. While practicing mindfulness, you learn to pay attention to external stimuli (what you see, hear, touch, smell or taste) as well as internal stimuli (your body sensations, emotions and thoughts). One way to practice mindfulness is through mindful eating.
Science tells us being intentionally and actively mindful has so many positive benefits on our psychological health. These include, but are not limited to; reduction of stress, reduced rumination, decreased symptoms of depression & anxiety, less emotional reactivity & more effective emotion regulation, increased focus, enhanced cognitive flexibility, and improved working memory. Mindfulness is a skill we can learn to foster, enhance and implement across all areas of our life. Why apply mindfulness to eating? In a society of performance, where we always feel the need to do and have more, it’s easy to become disconnected from our experience of eating. This can lead to poor eating habits. We are eating mindlessly when we finish a bag of chips or cookies without realizing it, when we don’t really taste our food, or when we grab something to eat by habit without considering whether or not we are hungry. Mindfulness eating can help you slow down, fully engage with the experience of eating, and become more aware of the biological signals of hunger and satiety. It can take a couple of minutes for your brain to receive the signal from the digestive system that you’re full. As a result, when you the time to eat and be fully present during a meal you will notice when you’re full which helps you avoid eating more than what your body needs. The general idea is to learn to trust your body as a guide for when, why, what and how to eat. Strategies to be a Mindful Eater 1) Truly engage in the experience of eating
2) Slow down!
3) Notice how you feel
Final thoughts If you made an eating choice that triggered physical or emotional discomfort, don’t be hard on yourself. Try to see this experience as an opportunity to learn about yourself and what your body needs. Change can take time and practice. Have some self-compassion as you learn to engage with mindful eating habits and become a more mindful eater. |
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