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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I can’t control my tongue with my spouse. I’ve got a quick temper, and sometimes I’ll just snap and say hurtful things I don’t really mean. How can I get this under control? The answer: Start by memorizing this: Can’t lives on won’t street. The word “can’t” must be reserved for the impossible. Learning to control one’s temper and change behaviour may be challenging at times, but it is not impossible. Often our behaviour doesn’t change because we make ourselves believe it can’t. So you need to first believe that you are able to change. All of us think about changing our behaviour when, for some reason, the cons of that behaviour outweigh the pros. Articulate why you now feel motivated to change. What is the negative impact on your spouse (hurt feelings), yourself (guilt) and the long-term health of your relationship? Think about why you respond to your spouse this way. Behaviours frequently are maintained because there is some short-term gain. How does your spouse react when you get upset? Does he or she give in to your demands, get quiet or leave you alone? Are there other, more respectful, ways you can communicate to achieve the desired end? Be honest with yourself about why you react the way you do. You say you’ve got “a quick temper.” Where does this come from? Often the way that we respond to others (especially those close to us) is rooted in our family of origin – i.e. the ways in which others treated us or the ways we saw our parents treat each other. Has this been a long-term way that you react to many different people in your life? What specifically do you feel you are reacting to? Remember that there is nothing wrong with feeling upset or angry. Anger is a normal, healthy part of the human experience and can serve a function in some situations. It provides us with useful information about our environment and is experienced when we feel disrespected, attacked or threatened, or when our boundaries are being crossed. Sometimes anger can be a “secondary emotion,” and is the manifestation of an underlying primary emotion that is more difficult to acknowledge or express (such as fear, hurt or insecurity). As you recognize, it is important to distinguish the emotional experience of anger (which may be appropriate) from the behavioural manifestation. Anger and its manifestations can become problematic when there is a mismatch between the trigger situation and the response, or when it is inappropriately expressed or done in a way that is hurtful to others. Whatever the contributors and reasons, it seems that you acknowledge that your response to your spouse is unfair and that you need to change your communication style. So make the commitment. Ask yourself what you will do differently. Be clear, specific and precise. Make yourself accountable by explicitly telling your spouse what you will be doing differently and ask your spouse to call you out when you don’t adhere to those goals. To work further on your anger issues, here are a few books you may find useful: The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner is a classic book on anger written for women. Beyond Anger: A Guide for Men by Thomas Harbin takes a no-nonsense approach to anger in men. Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames by Thich Nhat Hanh takes a mindfulness/Buddhist approach to managing anger. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My father-in-law suffers from depression. He admits this but he hates what he calls the “medical model”, including psychologists, and refuses to see a professional. Is there any way to help him with his depression? The answer: Although as a society we are gradually improving in our awareness and understanding of psychological health conditions, unfortunately a considerable amount of stigma continues. Stunning, given that the statistics indicate that one out of four Canadians (or more) will at some point in their lifetime struggle from a diagnosable depression or anxiety disorder. Individuals from certain demographic groups – including older adults, men, and those from certain cultural backgrounds – tend to have even more difficulty than the average person in both admitting to and seeking assistance for mental health issues. Often this comes from a combination of not fully understanding what psychological health difficulties mean or entail; feelings of shame or embarrassment; feeling that one is “weak” for having emotional difficulties; and hopelessness that their difficulties are not getting better. Your father-in-law admitting that he he has depression is a positive step. His statements of “hating” the “medical model” may be grounded in a lack of understanding of what treatments look like, and a lack of hope that treatment could be helpful. I wonder what he means by “the medical model”. Certainly the traditional medical model view of mental health issues (i.e., that a biochemical imbalance unilaterally leads to illness) is not supported by the research. The evidence is very clear: that, like most physical health conditions, psychological difficulties such as depression are the result of a complex interplay of a number of factors: Genetics/family history, early childhood experiences, stressful life events, personality factors, our ways of thinking, and the behaviours and actions we engage in all play an important role in whether or not any one of us develops depression. Start by speaking to your father-in-law and indicating you are worried about him. Acknowledge that you understand he has strong feelings about the medical model, but that you understand there may be other effective treatments out there that may help him that maybe he could think about exploring. Try to understand what exactly he is resistant to. Is he worried about taking medications and becoming “addicted” or having side effects? Has he tried treatments before that were ineffective? Is he nervous about sharing private issues with someone? If you can better understand his apprehension, you may get useful information that can help you know how to better support him. You may also find it helpful to read more about ways to support a family member with depression. You can find useful links to a number of free, evidence-based individual and family resources for depression on at the Psychological Health & Safety Clinic. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My friend was a few months along in her pregnancy when she recently had a miscarriage. How do I support her without being intrusive or overbearing? The answer: Miscarriages are, unfortunately, relatively common. Up to one out of five women will experience a miscarriage, with the large number occurring within the first seven weeks of gestation, not uncommonly before the woman even knows she is pregnant. In spite of the frequency, the loss of a pregnancy – particularly several months into the term – can be a huge emotional loss. A number of factors impact a woman’s reaction to a miscarriage: how far along she was in the pregnancy; her age; how long she had been trying to get pregnant; whether she has other children; and whether she has had difficulties with fertility. Current or pre-existing mood issues, such as depression or anxiety, may also be exacerbated or triggered post-miscarriage. All too often, people don’t know what to say to someone who has experienced a loss, and instead they stay silent. Or conversely, as you are worried, they may inadvertently amplify difficulties by becoming overly intrusive. The best thing for you to do is to gently speak to your friend and ask her what would be helpful. Let her know you love her, and want to support her the best you can. Explain your worry explicitly – tell your friend that you respect her need for privacy and personal grieving, and that you want to ensure you aren’t being intrusive or overbearing. Finally, let her know you are there to listen. And do just that: listen. Don’t try to tell her you understand what it feels like (as this can be perceived as invalidating, particularly if you haven’t experienced a miscarriage yourself). Resist the urge to problem-solve or to be Pollyannaish in your advice. For example, saying things such as “look on the bright side, you are so young and can try again!” will probably not be helpful and could make her feel even less understood. Ask her what you can do to help. She may very much welcome logistical or pragmatic assistance: You can prep meals for her, clean her home, offer to watch her other children if she has them. You can also suggest to attend a doctor or midwife’s appointment with her to get more information on next steps and options. Pay attention to what she says and try to honour it. Often, even when we mean well, we offer the kind of support to others that we ourselves would want, without being attune to the unique needs the other person has. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’m gay, and no one in my life knows. Not my family, not my best friend – no one. I’m okay with who I am, but I am terrified to talk about it. I’d like to start with my mom – she’s going to be the most difficult, I think – very conservative values (but never outwardly homophobic). Do you have suggestions on how to have this conversation? The answer: Coming out can be hugely stressful, scary and challenging. Ironically, this process may feel most difficult when it comes to speaking to the people who are closest to you. I am happy to hear that you feel confident in your sexuality: Self-acceptance is a huge first step. The next steps toward coming out are also key; we are by nature social beings, and both need and thrive off social connections. Having the support and acceptance of those that mean the most to you is integral. You say that your mom will likely be the most difficult to talk to. My gentle suggestion would be to first come out to other family members or friends who you anticipate may be more approachable. This can help prepare you for how conversations may go, and more importantly put in place a support system for when you do talk to your mom. When you do speak with her, understand that she may express a range of reactions. In the best-case scenario, she may surprise you, and the conversation may go much easier than you anticipate. However, many parents – despite their best intentions and love for their children – may express sadness, frustration, confusion or anger when their child comes out. Keep in mind that the intensity of any negative emotions she expresses will likely dissipate over time, and may in large part be a knee-jerk reaction to hearing something unexpected. When you do decide to speak to her, have the conversation when you are both free of distractions and can have dedicated, uninterrupted time. Pick a day in which you are feeling reasonably rested and well from a physical and emotional standpoint. Start by telling her that you need to speak to her about something important and personal, and that you would like her to first listen and try not to interrupt or react. Let her know that you love her and that you realize what you are telling her may be hard for her to hear or accept. And then speak openly and honestly from your heart. Try to describe to her what the journey has been like for you and also express how important her support is to you. Coming out may be a difficult journey, so do take care of yourself emotionally and physically throughout this time. Engage in good self-care when it comes to sleep and diet. Exercise and minimize use of alcohol. Build a network of support that can be there for you as you start having these conversations. There are a range of community agencies and professionals that can help support you through this process. PFLAG Canada (pflagcanada.ca) is a national organization that offers support and referrals, and is available 24/7. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  As our world has become busier and more technologically connected, our lives have increasingly become more virtual and remote. We are now able to access a breadth of services – including health services – from the comforts of home. In the last number of years, there has been an explosion of online (virtual) health services – including online counselling services through video. This enhances our ability to prioritize taking care of our psychological health in spite of the myriad demands of modern-day life.
So, what is online video counselling? Online counselling involves providing mental health services over the internet (i.e online counselling). This allows people to connect with qualified mental health professionals from the comfort of their own home and without the hassle of commuting to an office. Dr. Joti Samra, R.Psych. & Associates is pleased to offer video counselling treatment services to individuals, couples and families for a range of life difficulties, including but not limited to:
Treatment approaches & modalities The way our stress reveals itself depends on myriad factors, including our childhood history; personality and genetic predispositions; how we observed our parents dealing with stress; and whether or not overt emotional displays were viewed as ‘acceptable’ ways to communicate stress in our family. Individual differences exist in the degree and intensity to which emotional issues manifest physically, but the most common physical symptoms are stomach/gastrointestinal problems (tension, nausea, constipation, diarrhea), pain (headaches, back pain, chest tightness), appetite changes and sleep problems. What can we do about it? Our team uses the following evidence-based approaches in both in-office and online counselling sessions:
With the Psychological Health & Safety Clinic, online counselling works (almost!) the same as it would for in-office sessions. To get started you would submit a referral request and rather than clicking on a preferred location, indicate your preference for online counselling (Check virtual health). Once the referral is received you will be matched with the most appropriate clinician for your psychological health needs. Our clinicians are masters-level counsellors who work under the treatment plan oversight of Dr. Samra. Once booked, you will be provided with instructions and support on setting up your virtual health software platform – all you need is a laptop or desktop computer, a private space to hold your session and a stable and secure WIFI connection! All online counselling services use a secure, encrypted videoconferencing platform. |
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