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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
We recently moved to a new neighbourhood, which means my daughter will be starting Grade 9 without the comfort of having her friends there too. She’s terrified of starting high school without familiar faces and as much as I try to reassure her that she will make new friends she is still extremely unhappy. What do I do? The answer: The transition to high school can be a difficult one for many teens – the shift from being a big fish in a little pond to a little fish in a big pond can feel intimidating and overwhelming. Add on to that the differing demands of high school, teenage hormones, and the absence of other stabilizing factors (friends) and a potential recipe for unhappiness can be brewing. For all of us, situations feel particularly stressful when they are (1) unpredictable and (2) out of our control. Try to be mindful of ways you can foster a sense of predictability and control for your daughter. As a parent your urge is to want to protect your child from any hurtful situation, and often the approach parents take is to try to reassure through telling (e.g., “you will make new friends;” “you’ll be fine;” “it’s not as scary as you think”). Unfortunately, this is not the most effective strategy. Think about times you were in a stressful or upsetting situation – likely, someone telling you it would be better didn’t work. Not only can this approach feel like it is minimizing the concerns we have, but it can feel invalidating of the feelings we are having. (Most people take this approach by the way – not out of ill will, but from a lack of awareness of knowing what to do or say.) All of us have a core fundamental need to feel understood and validated, particularly when feeling stressed. So start by focusing on simply listening to your daughter. Do not interrupt and do not problem-solve – just ask open-ended questions to understand what she is most scared about (“help me understand what you are most scared about and what you think it will be like”). Try to get her to be as specific as possible and to go through all the worst-case scenarios she is imagining (e.g., “I won’t have anyone to eat lunch with”). You must resist the urge to tell her she is inaccurate or that what she is fearing won’t happen. Instead, ask her how likely she thinks it is that those situations will arise. And ask her what makes her think that is going to happen. Try to get her to verbalize the worst outcome and ask her to think about what the most likely situation may be. Ask her to be specific about what she is most worried about (“if you got to school, and you had no one to eat lunch with, what is most upsetting about that to you?”). Have her think about how she would deal with the worst imagined situation (“if you were all alone at lunch, what things do you think you could do to make the situation better?”). Encourage her to talk to family friends or cousins that are a bit older and can provide her some words of advice and comfort, as that may help. Then, just be there for her as a listening ear particularly during the first few days and weeks of high school. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Susi Bolender, RCC Vulnerability and Letting Go
In a time of uncertainty, our brains are hardwired for wanting to establish some control. Unfortunately, so much of life is beyond our control which leaves us feeling stressed out, anxious, and even depressed. For many of us, the idea of letting go is counterintuitive and opens us up to feeling vulnerable. But there’s nothing wrong with being vulnerable, in fact, being vulnerable is not only good for us but also helps us to form connections and improve our relationships. Brene Brown and Vulnerability At TEDxHouston in June 2010, Brené Brown did a groundbreaking talk on courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. This talk not only launched her work into the mainstream, but has spread the mission to own our stories and create meaning from experiences that are holding us back throughout the world. (You can watch the TEDx talk here). In 2018, I was fortunate enough to travel to Houston to train in two of her programs: The Daring Way and Rising Strong. The Daring Way focuses on courage-building, shame resilience, and uncovering the power of vulnerability. Rising Strong has the following objectives:
Through these programs, participants are encouraged to give themselves permission. Permission to be curious and open-minded, to take time to explore their feelings, to dig deep and not have all the answers, but instead find courage as they develop a way to own their stories and write endings in a way that feels best for them. During these programs, it’s also important to be mindful about being connected to how we’re feeling and intentional about breathing to develop stability as we work through the corners of our life experiences and relationships with others. We can think about vulnerability in terms of how we choose to understand and tell our story. What is Vulnerability We all have beliefs about what vulnerability means. It’s often connected to the idea of weakness – in other words, the belief that being emotional is a sign of weakness and that emotions shouldn’t be discussed openly. Most people don’t know how to talk about emotions. And, to be honest, we’re often too busy to even know how we feel. We may subconsciously think, ‘what we don’t know can’t hurt us’ – but just because we don’t acknowledge our emotions, doesn’t mean they aren’t impacting us. These ideas about vulnerability keep us cut off from developing meaningful bonds with people in our lives. They keep us separate, alone and fearful of connection. Vulnerability is defined by Brene Brown as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” The idea that vulnerability is weakness is the opposite of her message. Rather, viewing risking our vulnerability as being courageous is a way to build our confidence and deepen our relationships with ourselves and others. What prevents us from being vulnerable?As mentioned previously, when we are faced with uncertainty, it’s automatic for us to want to maintain control. This is the opposite of being vulnerable. Being vulnerable can be scary and it can open us up to the risk of getting hurt. As a result, many of us put up armour in order to avoid feeling vulnerable. Which, according to Brené, revolves around one of three methods:
In her work, Brené also talks about the idea of hustling for worthiness. In Gifts of Imperfection (a must-read, in my opinion!), Brené explains the idea of how we try to aim for perfection unnecessarily. Instead, we can start to get curious about why we behave the way we do and adjust our perspectives to open up to see that courage comes from the ability to practice being vulnerable. How to be more Vulnerable and Let Go
Participating in this program supports people to let go of perfectionism, fear, grief, sadness and self-judgement. We learn how to set boundaries with integrity and be generous with others to expect their best rather than fear their worst. There is also an opportunity to understand grief, loss, forgiveness, longing and feelings of being lost in your life. Some of these are very difficult and not often discussed, but vital in the process of letting go and developing vulnerability in owning our stories. Anxiety and criticism are other areas of focus and how we unhook from those powerful ways that we stay small. Result of the ProgramThe program is 16 lessons which can be done over 8 weeks. It culminates with a new, better-feeling story of our lives. A story that we created in a way that took ownership of our experiences, rather than let our experiences take over. The work helps us develop our vulnerability and see it as courage, to let go of old patterns and ways of thinking and live as the owner of our lives rather than a bystander. There are very few clinicians trained in the Daring Way and Rising Strong curriculum in Canada and fewer in British Columbia. I went to Houston, Texas in 2018 to have a fully immersive experience learning the material. I didn’t know what to expect, but participating in the training was life-changing. Working through these programs has helped me and so many of the people I am fortunate to support through their growth and change. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I had a huge fight with my daughter. She had only moved out last September to go to university in another province, and was home for the holidays. She hasn’t had a great first semester, and perhaps we were being a bit too critical of her while she was here. We ended up having a bit of a blowout on the way to the airport. She rushed to her flight and I feel we didn’t get a chance to properly make up. I communicate the best when the other person is in the same room as me – how do I best reconcile with my daughter if she’s miles away? The answer: Expressing how you feel to a loved one – particularly when hurt feelings or conflict has arisen – is so very important. Surprisingly, however, most of us struggle to effectively communicate with those closest to us. We tend to have the most apprehension and hesitation about talking – and making sure we say just the right words – to those that know us best. This is often because of the history (good and bad) we have with those we love; the vulnerability we feel around those whose love and acceptance we desire; and the consequences we fear of being rejected by those we care about. It’s important for you to communicate how you feel to your daughter as soon as possible. Time unnecessarily prolongs hurt feelings and may lead to needless animosity that grows. Avoiding the uncomfortable can also result in an easily solvable conflict becoming a larger-than-anticipated source of negative feelings in your relationship with your daughter. For many of us, communicating an apology in person often feels easier. Because non-verbal signals (gestures, body language, touch, voice tone) comprise a more important part of our communication than the actual words we say, in-person discussions about serious topics are almost always preferable. Sitting face to face with someone provides us with important feedback on how the person we are speaking to is receiving our apology. As this isn’t possible for you right now, you need to go with a less comfortable means of communicating with your daughter – via Skype or phone would be my first recommendation (to retain some element of non-verbal communication); by e-mail or by text would be my second. Open up the lines of communication with a very simple message: “I’m sorry about the blowout we had. I love you and wish I could apologize in person.” Provide a specific apology for the things you said or did that you regret. Then listen to your daughter’s perspective. Make a concerted effort to understand how she is feeling and the challenges she is facing. Find out how you can best support her. Ask her what you can do to repair things, and how the two of you can move forward in a way where both your needs are being met. Have trust that the foundation of your relationship is a strong one, and that you will be able to effectively move on from this fight. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question: Everything makes me cry: corny movies, sad books, even greeting cards. Am I weird?
The answer: Last time I checked, “weird” was not a category in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders … so being overly emotional is likely not a symptom of that. But in all seriousness, being easily brought to tears can be reflective of a number of things. First, it is important to appreciate that there are tremendous individual differences in our baseline levels of sensitivity, in the types of triggers that lead us to have emotional responses and in how those responses manifest outwardly (tears, anger, avoidance and so on). Is your tearfulness a transient state that’s tied to a situational event or a more long-standing trait? Are you someone who has always been sensitive, even as a young child? I’m not suggesting that you should dismiss your responses if you have always been this way, but it can at least help provide some understanding. What is the intensity with which are you are reacting? Are you starting to uncontrollably cry your eyes out at every long-distance phone plan commercial? Or are you simply finding emotions swell up easily for you (e.g., you get a tear in your eye but are able to maintain composure and easily refocus)? The former would be disruptive to your life; the latter, likely not so much. If the intensity is significant, pay attention to whether your tearfulness has been tied to any recent situational factors, such as changes in medications or health status, chronic sleep difficulties or, if you’re a woman, pregnancy or your menstrual cycle. If so, you may want to speak to your family physician to see if there is a medical or physiological contribution. Are there some significant changes in your life, such as death or illness of a loved one, dissolution of a major relationship, a coming wedding or an impending move? Often big life changes and stressors (even those that are positive) can affect our emotional threshold and make us more sensitive than usual. Ask yourself: Is your crying associated with significant mood changes, such as persistent sadness, loss of interest in activities that usually make you happy or overwhelming fear or anxiety? Are you isolating yourself, feeling less energetic than usual, experiencing sleep disruptions (sleeping more than usual or being unable to sleep) or noticing major changes in appetite or body weight? If so, your tearfulness may be reflective of an underlying mood disorder such as a depression or anxiety, and speaking to a mental health professional such as a psychologist can help guide you toward taking steps to improve your state of mind. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. The question:
I’m a 33-year–old woman, and I am smitten with a man. The problem is, he told mutual friends a month ago that he wasn’t interested in a relationship – but we email, text and flirt almost daily. We have so much in common and I feel challenged. Am I an idiot to let this go on – or will he come around? The answer: Being smitten with a man and engaging in flirtation with him in no way makes you an idiot! It is all part of being human and being attracted to someone. I think the subtext of your question however is more along the lines of “am I thinking our flirtation means more than he thinks it does”. This of course is a valid (and protective) question to ask yourself as it can potentially save you from feeling disappointed or hurt down the road. I have one question for you – and be brutally honest when you answer it: what do you really expect from him and the relationship? You say you have much in common and you feel challenged. I’m certainly not disputing that you may have things in common; clearly there is some level of friendship and attraction that is leading to almost daily contact. But I wonder about your perception of feeling challenged by him. Ask yourself if you feeling challenged by him is simply an artifact of him being unavailable for a relationship. You indicate that he has made it clear that he is not interested in a relationship. His behaviour seems to be inconsistent with what he has said, so I can appreciate this may be confusing. Did he indicate to mutual friends he doesn’t want to be in a relationship at all? That he doesn’t want a relationship with you specifically? Rather than trying to play a guessing game about where he is currently at based on hearsay from others, you may want to simply ask him directly. You have frequent enough contact that you probably can safely interject this question at some point in your communications. Then, take what he says at face value. All too often women tend to hold onto beliefs or hopes that they can somehow change a man and make him want to settle down, even when the complete opposite has been verbalized. (Men do this as well – but in my experience women do this more frequently.) Feeling “smitten” with him and hoping he will “come around” makes me think that you are already starting to feel invested emotionally in the hope that things will develop into something more than they have. It’s okay to continue to email, text and flirt daily if you are able to do so while keeping yourself emotionally distant, and if you are okay with the relationship never developing into anything more than it currently is. But, if you are secretly hoping that somehow he will change, I would suggest you curb the amount of contact and invest energy into someone who is wanting to pursue an actual relationship. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. They have been married for six years and have a child. From what she’s told me about their relationship, it seems like all the signs are pointing to infidelity: things have gone downhill fast and there is no intimacy. She’s asked me what my thoughts are. I think she would be better off without him, but how can I tell her the truth about my feelings? I don’t want to lie. The answer: Keep your opinions to yourself. And if you feel tempted to do otherwise, rewind and repeat that mantra to yourself. Rarely, if ever, does any good come from providing candid opinions about others’ relationships – particularly when the stakes are high given that there is a marriage and a child involved. I understand that your opinion is being sought and that, as a friend, you want to be truthful. However, brutal honesty is not always the best policy. You can still be forthright without necessarily revealing the entirety of your thoughts – this is not being dishonest. You’re simply being a helpful friend by respecting both the relationship and acknowledging that ultimately your girlfriend has to arrive at a decision about what to do next. If any of us went through life fully verbalizing the “bubble above our head,” it’s likely most of our relationships would end. The main consideration here is that you both have a suspicion, but no hard facts about whether or not he is cheating. They are ultimately the only people who can come to a resolution about how their relationship should unfold. As a result, there is little to no value in sharing your opinions. Your role therefore is twofold: to provide her support and help guide her toward making the best decision for herself and their child. Listen to your friend’s concerns and ask her what is making her feel suspicious. Discuss with her the options she thinks she has – waiting and seeing how things transpire, starting a conversation with him, getting more information on her suspicions, etc. Let her know that you will support her however you can, but that you are not in her shoes and that it’s not your place to tell her what to do. There are only two circumstances in which providing your candid thoughts would make sense: if you had objective, first-hand evidence that he was cheating, or if it was the early stages of a new relationship where the potential risks of providing your blunt opinion were low. Meddling in a marriage on limited information does not fit within either one of those situations. |
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