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By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I have a friend who I’ve known almost my whole life. A while ago, he asked me to wire him money because he “lost his wallet” – and not a small amount. Then he dropped out of sight. It turns out his life was nosediving because of alcohol and he wound up homeless. Now he’s getting back on his feet again. I’m happy for him, but now I’m unemployed and want my money back. How do I approach him? The answer: There is some wisdom in the old adage that money and friends don’t mix. More often than not, mixing the two can create rifts in a friendship and add an awkwardness that wasn’t there before. Now, in your situation, you did what a good friend does – in fact what a great friend does: You supported your friend when he needed it. Although you later realized that he was struggling with substance use and likely myriad other difficulties, you put your trust in him and gave when you thought he needed it. It is your friend’s turn to now support you. The best way to approach him is clearly and directly. Here are some tips you can follow when making your request: Describe the past situation: “You may remember that in [month/year] I lent you [x dollars] when you had called and let me know that you lost your wallet. I really wanted to help you out, so was happy to do so. I know you’ve gone through a lot since that time, and I am really happy that you are getting back on your feet again.” Describe your current situation (not necessary but it may help to give context): “Unfortunately, I recently lost my job and am struggling financially.” Make your request (be specific, and provide timelines): “So, I need the full amount of what I lent you back, ideally by the end of the month.” Be reasonably flexible and allow your friend to respond: “I realize that this is likely not something you were planning for. What are your thoughts on being able to get the full amount back to me within that time period?” Then negotiate a reasonable resolution that is acceptable to both of you. Be specific. Ask yourself what you are willing to accept and convey that clearly to your friend. For example, if you need the money within the month and he proposes to pay you six months down the road, let him know that won’t work for you and why. Tell him that you do not want money to get in the way of your friendship and that you are hopeful you can arrive at a resolution that works for both of you. Do not apologize (as that dilutes the request) and do not be overly wordy. If your friend is not willing to give your money back or work to get it to you within the limits he has, unfortunately, it may be that you just have to learn a very valuable lesson from this and decide how, or in what capacity, you want to keep this friend in your life moving forward. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Managing Suicidal Thoughts: How to prevent them in the future
Suicidal ideation, plans and attempts are common: conservatively, 1 out of 10 adults will consider suicide as an option at some point in their life. Despite how common suicide thoughts are, there are effective, evidence-based approaches to managing suicidal thoughts and reducing their frequency in the future. Managing Suicidal Thoughts
Preventing Suicidal Thoughts But, what can we do to decrease the chances of feeling suicidal in the future? 1 - Get treatment for mental health problems: It is important to get treatment for depression, anxiety, and alcohol and drug problems. Just seeing your family doctor may not be enough. It can help to see a mental health specialist, such as a psychologist or a psychiatrist. You can get referrals from your doctor or learn how to find a specialist from one of the referral lines listed on the last page. If you are already receiving treatment, speak up if your treatment plan is not working. 2 - Identify high-risk triggers or situations: Think about the situations or factors that increase your feelings of despair and thoughts of suicide. Work to avoid those situations. For example, going to a bar and drinking with friends may increase feelings of depression. If this is a trigger for you, avoid going to a bar or seeing friends who drink. 3 - Self-care: Taking good care of yourself is important to feel better. It is important to do the following:
4 - Follow through with prescribed medications: If you take prescription medications, it is important to make sure you take them as your doctor directed. Speak to your doctor if medications aren’t working or if side effects are causing you problems. If you have just begun taking antidepressants, it is important to know that the symptoms of depression resolve at different rates. Physical symptoms such as energy or sleep may improve first. Improvement in mood may be delayed. Speak to your doctor if you are feeling worse. 5 - Structure and routine: Keep a regular routine as much as possible, even when your feelings seem out of control. Here are some tips for creating structure in your life:
6 - Do things you enjoy: When you are feeling very low, do an activity you enjoy. You may find that very few things bring you pleasure. Think of things you used to enjoy doing at times you didn’t feel so depressed or suicidal. Do these things, even if they don’t bring you enjoyment right now. Giving yourself a break from suicidal thoughts can help, even if it’s for a short time. 7 - Think of personal goals: Think of personal goals you have for yourself, or that you’ve had in the past. Some examples are: to read a particular book; travel; get a pet; move to another place; learn a new hobby; volunteer; go back to school; or start a family. Final Thoughts If you’ve been feeling suicidal know that you’re not alone. And just because you’ve felt suicidal doesn’t mean those thoughts will last forever. Taking small steps toward improving your mental wellness can help to prevent suicidal thoughts from returning. And remember there is help if you need it. If you or someone you love is at immediate risk of suicide, call 9-1-1. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I love being single, every day of the year except Valentine’s Day. For 24 hours I feel like I need another person in my life. It’s an awful feeling. What do you recommend I do to avoid this? I can’t do another ‘single’s party’ or first date. It all seems so fake. The answer: Ask yourself this: why does feeling that you need another person seem awful? Think about why you are rejecting any notion of being in a couple. As humans we are social creatures, who both need other people in our life, and need to be needed by others. Think about what this is about for you – do you feel it is a sign of weakness to need another? Is this a barrier for you in terms of actively pursuing or acting on a connection with someone? That said, certain days of the year can feel particularly difficult if you are single – and Valentine’s Day falls at the top of that list. This of course is not surprising given that it is the day of the year that has an explicit focus on couples, relationships and ideas of never-ending romantic love. Other special days such as Christmas, New Year’s and birthdays are also ones that can be hard hitters. Many single people will describe just wishing that those days would hurry up and be over, as they feel particularly lonely on those days, much more than they may at any other time of the year. Making yourself do something to rebel against the idea of Valentine’s Day often doesn’t work. A ‘single’s party’ for example can ironically have the opposite effect and further amplify your single status; and, having a first date just for the sake of a date certainly can feel fake and forced. Instead, think about just doing something for yourself that is a treat or makes you feel special – a massage, an indulgent gift, or a short trip away. Try to understand what it is that you are reacting you – you say that you “love” being single every other day but feeling “awful” on Valentine’s Day. There appears to be a disconnect for me in the intensity of the feelings you are having. You are wishing that your relationship status was different, and perhaps you aren’t loving being single as much as you feel at times. This may be hard to admit or acknowledge to yourself, but may be important information in that it may motivate you to make some active changes in your life that can help you to work on changing your relationship status. For the interim, to get through the day, remember that Valentine’s Day is a day just like any other (also true for the other holidays!). This can be hard to do when we are bombarded by images of flowers, balloons, chocolates and other testimonials attesting to one’s love for another person every which way we look – TV, stores, and even in your office. But it is just one day and there are 364 others that are not surrounded with multiple images of coupledom. Remind yourself that your negative feelings will abate (as they always do) and that the 24 hours will be over before you know it. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth  Navigating Valentine’s Day when partners don’t agree about its significance
For heterosexual couples, there’s no special occasion that men and women disagree about more than Valentine’s Day! Many men that I hear from are frustrated and confused about the (seemingly) disproportionate emphasis that their female partners place on this day relative to other days of the year. Why do women like Valentine’s Day and place more importance on it? Let’s talk about it! Note this article is not intended to exclude same-sex couples, but rather to address some of the significant sex differences that do exist between men and women when it comes to Valentine’s Day. Why do women like Valentine’s Day? So, let me explain why I think women like Valentine’s Day. They like Valentine’s Day for reasons that are, in spirit, not dissimilar to the reasons they like other special occasions. The day is a celebration of something very special in their lives – love. An informal poll of my female friends was unanimous. This is a day that women want to feel extra loved, appreciated and special to their partners. Chalk it up to the childhood dreams many of us women have about fairy-tale happy endings and knights in shining armour. It’s perhaps a little silly, and usually far from the reality of life, but certainly, something that makes many feel warm and fuzzy inside. How to navigate Valentine’s Day without feeling like you’re letting your partner down Here’s what I suggest:
Love Languages In his fantastic book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, Dr. Gary Chapman writes about the differences couples encounter when they are speaking different “love languages.” He articulates the importance of understanding your partner’s primary love language (i.e. quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service or physical touch) as a way to improve and strengthen your relationship. Special occasions – and the associated celebration of them – often speak to the different love languages couples have, and the differences partners have about how the other communicates their love. So, smile. Enjoy the day. Go the extra mile for your partner on this day, then ask yourself: Something that makes her feel extra happy and special can’t be all bad, can it? |
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