By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
My friends are getting a divorce and I’m afraid I’ll be caught in the middle. Even though I didn’t initially know my girlfriend’s soon-to-be ex-husband, I have formed a close relationship with him during their relationship. Now, I’m worried my girlfriend will expect me to support her fully through this. How do I avoid taking sides, will I still be alienating both of them? The answer: Having a strong bond with two friends who are in the process of divorcing is a very tricky situation to be in, and it’s wise that you are considering how to thoughtfully navigate these waters. This is a very emotionally tumultuous time for both of your friends, and a period during which they will be leaning on those close to them for support and friendship. One or both of them may have expectations of which mutual friends will side with whom, and it would be not at all unusual if they have a hypersensitivity to any signs of actual or perceived betrayal from their friends. The best way to approach this, given you have a feeling of loyalty to both, is to put the issues on the table and have a candid conversation with each of your friends (individually) about the position you feel you are in, and how to move forward in a way that is respectful and helpful to each of them. As your initial friendship was with your girlfriend, I would start by speaking to her. Think about how you would feel if you were in her situation; I certainly know if I were her, I would appreciate and feel respected to have you approach me first. Put out there the truth of how you feel – that you value your friendship, that (as she is aware) you have also over the years formed a friendship with her husband, and that you feel stuck in the middle. Let her know you want to support her but aren’t sure how to best do this in a way that no one gets hurt. Ask her what her expectations are. The best-case situation is that she understands the position that you are in, and doesn’t hold it against you that you also have a friendship with her husband. The two of you can then come to some agreements about how you can offer her support, while still maintaining your friendship with her ex. I’ve been in this situation myself, and I found the best thing I could do was let each friend know that I was there to listen to them if they needed support, that I would maintain the confidentiality of what each of them told me, and that I would not engage in conversation where one partner wanted to extract information from me about the other (e.g., who they are dating, what they are saying about the other, etc.). If both parties are mature and empathetic to your position, this can work well. Your primary challenge will be to ensure that you stick to the boundaries you have established, and be mindful and attentive if either friend strays from the agreed-upon parameters. It would be natural if you found yourself siding a bit more with one friend over the other, but you will have to rigidly adhere to not verbalizing this if you hope to maintain both friendships in the long term. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth Online Counselling Services: Understanding Your Options
Online counselling services are becoming more and more popular as our lives get busier and we become more technologically connected. Online counselling provides a unique opportunity to people with busy schedules or other concerns that prevent them from being able to access in-office treatment. If you’re interested in online counselling it may be difficult to know where to start as there are already many different services available, often at vastly different price points. Types of Online Counselling Services So, what types of online counselling services exist? And how do you know which services are best for you? Here we will talk about the different types of online counselling services and their pros and cons. 1. Apps (standalone use)
2. Apps (community-based support/chat rooms – for example: Healthful Chat)
3. Apps with coaching supports (example: Better help)
4. Online counselling Service
What is continuity of care? Continuity of care is the consistency and effectiveness of treatment over time. With mental health services, this includes the work a person does with their individual practitioner over time, as well as the focus on working with other members of the individuals’ health care team (if/as needed). When services don’t have this continuity, there’s something that’s lost in the therapeutic experience. That’s not to say these types of services don’t have a place. They’re effective in providing crisis management, for example supporting a person through the process of panic attacks. It’s important to understand the differences between these services to determine which is most appropriate based on your goals and financial needs. Are you ready to book your online counselling session? If so, get it touch! We’re also happy to provide more information if you have any questions. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I find that when something’s bothering me (such as something my brother-in-law says or slacker behaviour by a co-worker) I get really fixated on it and keep turning it over and over in my head. How do I move my mind off it and stop obsessing? The answer: Spending more time than usual thinking about situations that are upsetting or annoying is a very natural human reaction. Rumination (repetitive, obsessive thoughts) and the associated emotional responses (worry, anxiety, anger) serve a useful function. The function of virtually every emotional state is threefold: (1) to validate to ourselves that something is happening that affects something important to us; (2) to communicate to others that we need support or that their behaviour has been inappropriate; (3) and to motivate action. So let’s take a look at the situation relating to your “slacker” co-worker. Your obsessive thoughts (and the associated emotions) may be functioning in the following way: (1) to validate to yourself that you value a strong work ethic and take pride in your work, and you do not respect people who do not hold this same view; (2) your behaviour at work (intentionally or not) may be communicating to your boss that you need him or her to intervene, or you may be communicating to your co-worker that his or her behaviour is unacceptable because it affects your ability to do your job well; (3) it may motivate you toward the action of approaching your boss or another co-worker to seek advice, or to talk directly to the co-worker in question about his or her behaviour and how it is affecting you. An important question to ask yourself is this: Is your rumination serving any of the above useful functions. If so, your job is to understand the function it is serving, and then ask yourself if there anything you can do about it. If yes, take the appropriate action. If no, then your job is to find a way to move on. There are a few strategies that can help. First, increase your awareness to the thoughts you are having (we can’t change thoughts unless we are aware that we are having them in the first place). Then write down your thoughts. It is amazing how powerful thoughts can become when we are caught in the trap of silent rumination. Putting those thoughts on paper is a technique that can help take their power away. Once you have written your thoughts down, ask yourself if the thoughts are realistic and accurate. For example, if you have the thought “my co-worker is a total good-for-nothing and can never do anything right” this is likely not fully realistic nor accurate. For any unrealistic or inaccurate thoughts, come up with more realistic ones (e.g., “my co-worker has not pulled his or her weight on this big project, but generally does a decent job when assigned tasks”). Then actively remind yourself to challenge and replace your negative, extreme thoughts. This takes practice, but over time your mood will improve and the ruminative thoughts will decrease. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I’ve always been a sensitive and emotional person. While I don’t think it’s a negative thing, I do find that I take a lot of comments seriously and personally. Often people may be joking, but somehow I interpret their statements negatively. How can I embrace my sensitivity without going overboard? The answer: I like that you have established a useful and realistic goal for yourself – to embrace a trait you have that, while not all negative, has some downsides for you in certain situations. Any personality trait or attribute exists along a continuum, and we all tend to have a set-point range where we fall along that continuum. The contributing factors are multiple, and ultimately a combination of nature and nurture: the personality and genetics we came into this world with; our early childhood environment; and important life events and circumstances (both positive and negative). Like you, I am high on the sensitivity scale. There are a great things that come along with this – sensitive people are more likely to experience intense positive emotions, tend to connect with others’ emotional experiences on a deeper level, are more attune to changes in others’ moods and, and have a strong ability to empathize with others. However, as you have recognized there are also downsides to being highly sensitive and emotional. You are more likely to personalize things, interpret things with negative intent when it may not exist, and overreact negatively to what may be a perceived insult. I suspect you are also likely to ruminate over things that have been said or done by others, have a hard time letting go of the past, and experience deeper hurt when it comes to conflict in interpersonal relationships. When it comes to our emotional reactions, the single most important factor that shapes how we react is our thoughts. If you are walking down the street, wave to an acquaintance you recently met at a party who ignores you, and think “I must have said something she didn’t like when we met” you are likely going to react negatively. If instead you think (as people who are high in emotional resiliency would) “she didn’t recognize me, seeing me here is out of context” or “she looked preoccupied with a phone call she was on” you will probably have little to no emotional reaction. Identify the automatic thoughts and interpretations that come up for you in situations where you react to others’ comments. Then ask yourself a few key questions: Is the thought/interpretation you are having realistic and accurate? What is the evidence that what you are thinking is not true? What alternative explanations could there be for the comment that was made? Then actively work on replacing the automatic negative/personalized thoughts with thoughts that are more accurate to the situation, based on a review of all of the evidence. I believe a core part of our life’s work is to continue to build awareness of who we are, recognize the patterns and behaviours we engage in that may be negatively impacting us or those around us, and work to continually improve areas of weakness. And you are right – the goal is to not do away with fundamental elements that make you who you are, but rather to embrace those attributes in a way that the positives are maximized and the negatives are minimized so that you are living an overall happier life. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. By Dr. Joti Samra, CEO & Founder of the Psychological Health & Safety (PH&S) Clinic and MyWorkplaceHealth The question:
I think I have seasonal affective disorder. How do I know for sure? The answer: Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), more commonly known as “the winter blues,” is a type of depression that impacts about two to three per cent of the general population. Many of us find that our mood and energy levels are affected by the weather: Warmer, sunnier days tend to lift our moods, while cold, rainy, dark days can make us feel gloomier. For a certain percentage of people, the weather (and in particular seasonal variations in light that come along with shorter days) has a more significant impact and can lead to the development of a particular subtype of clinical depression. You may have SAD if you notice the following: – A distinct seasonal pattern to your mood (i.e., very little or no depression symptoms during spring or summer months, when the days are longer) – Persistently low, depressed mood that lasts for usually two to three months during winter months. November to February are the peak months. – Depression symptoms (such as low mood, changes in appetite or weight, decreased energy or fatigue, sleep changes, avoidance of social situations) in the absence of other identifiable triggers or causes – Improved mood if you are in a sunnier climate during the usual “high risk” winter months We don’t understand very well why some people are so much more affected than others by weather and sunlight, but there seems to be a stronger biological/genetic component than with other types of depression. There are a number of very effective strategies that can help lessen the impact of SAD: – Make a point to spend more time outdoors during peak light hours (10am to 2pm), even if it’s only for 10 to 15 minutes during a coffee or lunch break. – Arrange your home and work environments (if possible) to maximize your exposure to direct sunlight: Leave blinds and curtains open and try to be around windows that allow in natural light. – By hypervigilant about taking care of yourself in the fall months, before the usual season dips in mood occur (i.e., exercise, eat a healthy diet, drink alcohol in moderation). – Talk to a physician about the use of a light box; many people find that 10 to 20 minutes of artificial “light therapy,” usually prescribed to be taken first thing in the morning, has significant benefit. In addition to the above, approaches that are effective for general depression, such as cognitive-behavioural therapy from a psychologist or psychiatric medication treatment, are also of significant value. Useful information on Seasonal Affective Disorder and light therapy can be found at the Mayo Clinic site. Excerpted from Dr. Joti Samra’s “Ask the Psychologist” weekly column in The Globe and Mail. |
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